12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Green ... sorry you chose to cancel your trip ... yes ... some of us are 90% there, just waiting for the other 10% ... it will come ...

 

Thank you for sharing your conversation with Baylissa ...

 

I had another 90/10 day ... let's see what tomorrow brings ... 

[[No...]]

Marj ... the toxic nap stuff is so discouraging ... and it does clear up ... eventually ... gradually the volume does get turned down ...

 

Hope you get some good rest ... 

[[No...]]

How are you doing Drew? ... hope things have settled down some for you ...

[[...]]

Thank you Nova, I'm going to turn in for the night, tomorrow is another day, and may it be better. Hope the rest of your day is pleasant and calm. 

[[...]]

Green, there will be plenty of other cycling trips, ones that you can enjoy 100%. There's no point in stressing about this one; you're not ready yet, never mind (I know this is easier said than done). Life is there waiting to be lived when we are all better. I know it gets disheartening..... can I, can't I and so on. You will soon.

 

I spoke to Baylissa too on Tuesday. Yes she just gets it and she can laugh about the craziness now. We will one day soon 

[[dr...]]

Wonder ova-it's scary what happens to us but we come out stronger.  Nova says it so it's true.

 

Nova-I'm okay. My day was so much better.  Still had breathing/palp issues but a  3-4 intensity instead of 9.  I was able to have phone conversations and in person conversations without my brain frying. I was happy.  I did get a very tight neck and tension headache but I'm ok w that after this week.  Expect a rebound headache after stopping supp.  Sitting on couch w heating pad and a cup of coffee( I'm weaning off) watching college football. 

 

I thought I might be able to reintroduce supps and other items at 16 months but it wasn't meant to be. 

 

I'm excited you're getting 90/10 days.  Onward

 

 

[[No...]]

Drew ... I guess it was about six or so weeks ago I recognized that the clarity had returned and stayed ... no more fading in and out ... and then about three or so weeks ago I recognized that the panic/anxiety stuff had run out of steam ... it just wasn't here ... also ... the vibrational stuff has stayed turned almost completely off ...

 

Now what I call the residual "flu" stuff is still around ... also ... I haven't used any acid reducer or ibuprofen for more than four weeks ... and I do have a stock of chamomile tea if anybody is interested ... have only used two bags in the past month ...

 

All of the suffering has dissipated from any high intensity level ... now it is just a nuisance ... still there, messy from time to time, but not really what I would call suffering any more ...

 

So ... as you say ... onward ... 

[[dr...]]

That is a most hopeful update for those of us behind you. It really seems that post 18 month area is huge for healing. So many of you in it are doing well.  I'm getting much more clarity than ever which is good but still too much muck.  The last supp debacle excluded. 

[[dr...]]

Oh...a good trusty friend of mine who is always there for me said its night and day for me from a year ago.  She was laughing saying she used to dread when my number showed up on her phone. She said also it was a long time she received a call from me post panic. Just good to hear because it's so hard to see while you're in it.  I would say I notice improvement on how I react to all the symptoms. Even during the worst of it yesterday I wasn't rationally worried.  In the past that was an ER visit.

[[No...]]

Drew ... that is so encouraging ... to hear the "night and day" comment from someone who has been there with you ...

 

The clarity stuff will keep increasing until one day you will recognize that the muck just isn't there anymore ...

 

Also ... when I have a conversation now the switch that often got thrown that signalled a disconnect occurring isn't being thrown anymore ... a sort of rise in "I can't handle this right now" just isn't there anymore ... more muck that falls away ...

 

I sometimes think there was a kind of "self-preservation" disconnect switch that got thrown regularly ... hard to describe ... sort of the idea that healing stuff was going on and there just wasn't enough energy or focus to do anything else right then ... so a kind of curtain dropped and I withdrew ...

[[Co...]]

Drew ... I guess it was about six or so weeks ago I recognized that the clarity had returned and stayed ... no more fading in and out ... and then about three or so weeks ago I recognized that the panic/anxiety stuff had run out of steam ... it just wasn't here ... also ... the vibrational stuff has stayed turned almost completely off ...

 

Now what I call the residual "flu" stuff is still around ... also ... I haven't used any acid reducer or ibuprofen for more than four weeks ... and I do have a stock of chamomile tea if anybody is interested ... have only used two bags in the past month ...

 

All of the suffering has dissipated from any high intensity level ... now it is just a nuisance ... still there, messy from time to time, but not really what I would call suffering any more ...

 

So ... as you say ... onward ... 

 

.....

Nova.....and Drew...  .this mirrors exactly my last 6 weeks.

....Nova I am so happy to hear this from you....Me too.  sx ha ginger around but manageable because of 90% improved clarity and anxiety and panics are very infrequent  and moderate at the most. .....

      Drew, .....my daughter also sees my improvements much sooner than I do.....I hope a few months of easing up on some of your commitments will give you a break and a chance to get a second wind.  coop

[[Gr...]]

Green, there will be plenty of other cycling trips, ones that you can enjoy 100%. There's no point in stressing about this one; you're not ready yet, never mind (I know this is easier said than done). Life is there waiting to be lived when we are all better. I know it gets disheartening..... can I, can't I and so on. You will soon.

 

I spoke to Baylissa too on Tuesday. Yes she just gets it and she can laugh about the craziness now. We will one day soon 

 

Marj, isn't she reassuring!  And I needed reassurance.

 

That cycling trip!  Ugh.  It was making me crazy.  I made that reservation -- my, God, I think in 2014.  I had a short window and believed I would be healed any day now, lol.  So along comes March 2014, and I'm freaking out in a major wave.  Cancellation number one.  they let me reschedule.  My thinking in March was, surely I'll be well at almost 2 years?  How could I not be!  Well, think again, lol.  Withdrawal is like horseshoes and being pregnant -- there's no such thing as almost!  You're there or you're not, lol.  And the good news is they're letting me reschedule.  That wasn't supposed to happen.  I guess I got lucky.  I knew hanging onto it was hurting me, I couldn't just let it ride, my mind was fixated on it, and it was hurting me because I wasn't in acceptance mode, and for me that is critical, and so I wasn't even enjoying the healing that was happening.

 

Marj, I'm so glad you got to speak to Baylissa, too.  She's on my side of the pond now, you know.

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Nova....good morning... enjoy your walk.  3am.  Too early.  Wishing you some naps today. . Just getting ready to get my doggie out.  Wishing you a very good day..  .coop

 

 

Coop, are you really up at 3 a.m.?  OMG :'(

[[Gr...]]

Sorry on the trip green but I'm really happy with the rest of your update.

 

I know you've been struggling.  Yes, Drew, healing is def'ly happening.  You're seeing people get better.  It's going to happen for you, and I can take as many trips as I want when I get better.  I didn't used to think like that.  I thought my life was over.  it's not.

[[Gr...]]

Green ... sorry you chose to cancel your trip ... yes ... some of us are 90% there, just waiting for the other 10% ... it will come ...

 

Thank you for sharing your conversation with Baylissa ...

 

I had another 90/10 day ... let's see what tomorrow brings ... 

 

Wow, 90.  that's so great.  I wish I could heal in percentages!  I can't do the damned math!

[[Gr...]]

Drew ... I guess it was about six or so weeks ago I recognized that the clarity had returned and stayed ... no more fading in and out ... and then about three or so weeks ago I recognized that the panic/anxiety stuff had run out of steam ... it just wasn't here ... also ... the vibrational stuff has stayed turned almost completely off ...

 

Now what I call the residual "flu" stuff is still around ... also ... I haven't used any acid reducer or ibuprofen for more than four weeks ... and I do have a stock of chamomile tea if anybody is interested ... have only used two bags in the past month ...

 

All of the suffering has dissipated from any high intensity level ... now it is just a nuisance ... still there, messy from time to time, but not really what I would call suffering any more ...

 

So ... as you say ... onward ... 

 

Nova, you have no idea how happy I was to read this.  So very happy for you.

[[Co...]]

Nova....good morning... enjoy your walk.  3am.  Too early.  Wishing you some naps today. . Just getting ready to get my doggie out.  Wishing you a very good day..  .coop

[/quote....

 

....Green, lol.....no I am not 'up' at 3am.  Just awake.  My sleep has improved for the last few nights.  If I wake up at 3 or 4 I can at least return to light sleep until 6 or so.  ...coop

Coop, are you really up at 3 a.m.?  OMG :'(

[[pe...]]

Did not look back at posts due to my 12 hour day at work and then at my children's school. But there's this: I had an awful wave for around five days. The pit of despair and I guess it lifted. And today I had the best day I've had in a long time, still weird in the head. But I could multitask and problem solve on the spot. It was amazing. So, I've never understood when people say a wave is followed by a better baseline. But maybe that's the case. I would love this to be my new baseline, can even imagine making one of Coops deals, " if it would just stay like THIS, I'd take it." But truthfully, who knows what tomorrow will bring.

 

Peace2

[[dr...]]

You are so deserving of a good day and an endless window peace.  So happy to read this

[[Wo...]]

Thanks for the words of encouragement folks. It's reassuring to hear 15-18 mo can be tough. It sucks but it is what it is. All I can do is wait I guess. It's so frustrating to feel like you're back at square one. Take care.

[[Co...]]

Did not look back at posts due to my 12 hour day at work and then at my children's school. But there's this: I had an awful wave for around five days. The pit of despair and I guess it lifted. And today I had the best day I've had in a long time, still weird in the head. But I could multitask and problem solve on the spot. It was amazing. So, I've never understood when people say a wave is followed by a better baseline. But maybe that's the case. I would love this to be my new baseline, can even imagine making one of Coops deals, " if it would just stay like THIS, I'd take it." But truthfully, who knows what tomorrow will bring.

 

Peace2

 

.....Peace!....I can't even tell you how happy I am to read this!..  Hear me sister.....you are going to have more and more of this....maybe not anything linear ....but it's all coming your way....clarity with all that problem solving and multi tasking...MightyGirl I could cry in happiness for you.  Just look at these posts.  It's true what Green told us, "  nobody gets left behind".....We are closing in on 24 months and getting our lives back.....You have had some terrible stretches, I could not be happier to see this post from you....love to you MightyGirl.......coop

[[Co...]]

Green, ...so glad to hear that things are lifting. I know how hard it must have been to let the cycling trip go for now. I really think you will be doing some rides long before your re-schedule next year. ...What a wonderful reassurance to talk to Baylissa....We are so close to being out of this hell hole.........

........coop

 

[[...]]

Happy 22 sky!  What a way to celebrate. 

 

Hh-thanks for visiting.

  Coop-I pray that you ate out and about w effortless mind days.

 

 

I'm at 16 months today and here is my update on my blog for those of us who don't venture far...

 

Well...here I am and like so many others I thought I'd be way better by now. I look at this pragmatically that so many others felt the same way who have gone on to heal.  I don't doubt my healing as I can see many things from earlier withdrawal are gone or dramatically less. Unfortunately some new things came and the ones that remain are really tough. Obviously, with the thoughts of never healing(or at least me taking many years) I wonder what is me and what isn't. I know it's par for the course so nothing I can do but acknowledge these thoughts and live each day. 

 

Things that still ruin my days...

 

Headaches-one of my biggest symptoms. I get intense fast intensifying headaches that fade into a dull ache and boatiness all day.  On the plus side my visual auras migraines have not reared their ugly head for over a month.

 

Inability to handle stress-my biggest symptom!  I had this all along but it morphed into scalp pain and weird brain feelings when stimulated.  It gets me almost any time I have to have a conversation, on phones with clients, shopping, movie theaters, and meetings. It's very bothersome as where I used to get panic attacks I didn't get this weird head stuff.  Maybe since my panics are much less this is the next step in healing?  Regardless, it really effects my work.  On the plus side, it never happens w people I'm close with so I know it's stimulative anxiety.

 

Anxiety/panic-much less if not stimulated but basically if I become a monk I'd be almost healed.      I also get one or two days a week where I have that chemical anxiety feel that nothing helps. 

 

All in all at times I feel worse than ever and I think I might not be able to continue to work but I've made it this far so I'm not going to let the benzo lies make me worse. 

 

The one biggest thing I keep doing which  is to live in the moment. When I feel shitty I say I know it will be different in an hour.  When I have a bad day I try not to worry about how I will function in the future because I know that just is a waste of time. It changes so quickly.  When the time comes I'll handle the situation and day as I always do.

 

Lastly, while none of this is easy I have read that the 12-18 month period is especially hard.  We have seen in improvements but not enough to feel well.  We have been at this so long and we see others healing before us and read the horror of the protracted ahead.  We start doubting it's the drugs and think this is our life.  I'm looking forward to the healing that is in my future.

 

Shit this captures pretty much how I feel at 15+ month.  Good to read this. 

[[No...]]

Peace ... that is great news for you ... it cheers my heart to see your post ...

 

Yes ... these walls are gradually breakdown and letting in some light for many of us ...

 

Have a quiet weekend... catch your breath a bit ... 

[[No...]]

Coop ... I see your light on ... how are things? ...

 

630 AM here ... I had a better night of broken sleep ... that sounds like an oxymoron ... 

 

Waiting for full daylight and then heading out ... cooler this morning ...