12-18 month support

[[dr...]]

Peace-we can all relate to you.  You are doing this.  It is the blind faith that is most difficult for me right now.  At times I can feel and accept that I will heal like everyone else and other times like now I am questioning everything.  while driving into work today I was just concentrating on when I would be back home to the house.  That led me to wonder how many of us here spend most of our time in the house?  I go to work and handle any obligation but I am afraid to make any other plans.  I am basically couch bound at home.  Is this normal? i think most of us do.  I am depressed on that thought.  Just surviving and not thriving.  Is this me and if not I too see many people fail or suffering years out. 

I do work every day, go for walks, can eat out, perform on stage, and other things but my level of comfort is low.  Am I doing more or less than most?  I don't know... what is the right amount? should I say I am healing my brain and this is enough.  Don't feel guilty about being a slug.

 

 

What is my old panic disorder and what is withdrawal?  All I know with this EKG scare sent my mind into an irrational loop of death.  I realize now that my baseline can handle no stress out of the ordinary.  I got walloped.  Even in the mornings when I wake up with mind racing with anxiety and fast heartbeat my mind goes to death. I tell myself over and over it is an irrational thought that I will drop dead in the next week and several drs have told me that this situation is not a sign of imminent death.  Yet my mind keeps holding onto the one in million chance I will die or I had a heart attack and didn't know it.    At this point, I have decided there isn't much to do about my thoughts because they are so irrational and I know they are.  I put it down to be a symptom of withdrawal.

I actually am not panicky now just have the above thoughts that keep intruding into my mind.  Benzo lies

 

In a way I am strong and try not to let this rule me although it does.  My GF and I decided to try and have a kid.  I know they say you shouldn't make any big decisions withdrawal but that isn't always possible. I am 46 and she is turning forty so we can't wait to much longer.  I am sort of scared but I think this would be normal at any time.  I know I would be a great dad

 

HH_a knicks game!  you're insane in a good way  

 

comments welcome as this was a very therapeutic post for me today.

 

PS-yesterday was eight months off for me and loving mom

[[dr...]]

Green and nova I hope your symptoms lessen asap for you both

[[No...]]

Drew ... the looping thoughts ... nothing I can do about them ... I just try to let them be ... maybe it is something like the mind crying out for help during this recovery stuff ... some sort of temporary disconnect between body and mind ... hell, I don't know ... anyhow, that's what I tell myself ... whoever that is sometimes ...

 

For me, this can often seem like a convention of chaos ... and I just try to turn away for a while until things settle down ... I depend on the rhythm ... the one that is always the same ... symptoms ... intrusive thoughts ... turn away ... things settle down ... over and over and over again ...

 

And we each have our own ways of dealing with engaging the outside world and our responsibilities ... I have been called lazy ... I have been told I try too hard ... some have said I need to do more ... others say I need to do less ... some say I am confrontational ... others say I am too passive ... bolliwocks to the bunch of them ... I do what I can in the moment ... and try not to worry about the past or the future ...

 

Follow your heart ... you would make a wonderful father ...

 

[[pe...]]

Drew-

Thank you. I think we all are characters in the same story, with similar questions. Is this me? Will this end? And we ask them over and over until the answers are clearly no and yes respectively. And medical anything in withdrawal is positively the worst for many if us. I'm afraid of going to the doctor for an infection. I'm afraid of going to the dentist! Because what if they find something or what if they don't? What if the treatment makes everything worse?

 

Despite your intrusive thoughts, you are doing a good job of acting rationally. My therapist says- we are not responsible for our thoughts but we are responsible for our actions. I think this is an important reality check for me in withdrawal because I think son pretty messed up things....

 

Hold on, Drew. There are better days ahead. And you clearly have that suspicion because you're moving towards having a child. I agree with Nova. You've got to follow your heart on this one. And you would be a great dad. Agree with that too.

 

Peace2

[[He...]]

I like what your therapist has to say about the intrusive thoughts, Peace. I am still dealing with them and wondering if they will ever go away. But, you're right, we are ALL dealing with stuff and it will eventually go away. I just would LOVE to drive somewhere and not imagine an impending accident, or hear my daughter cough and not imagine a fatal disease, or feel something different and wonder if I'm going to collapse down dead. I do hold on to the fact that when I'm in a true window those thoughts are not there.

 

Drew, wow! Thinking about a baby! That is exciting news. What wonderful hope for the future. I think it sounds like you do quite a lot, actually. You work, perform on stage, go out for walks, go on social outings, ect. Some couch time in between all that is A-OK in my book (said from lying down in the hotel bed at 12:45pm while everyone is out....lol!) Sometimes we just need to recharge.

 

Jenny, you've been hearing about a lot of people who have reinstated? That is discouraging!

 

I can't wait to get to the point of drinking coffee with caffeine, having too many beers on occasion, and not thinking about withdrawal! To stop doing the mental body scan thing, checking how I'm feeling...which often causes anxiety and subsequent symptoms to pop up. I think this will happen, but the key is TIME. It's important not to give up prematurely and get back on meds, which would only set us back to square one. I KNOW these will all happen because I used to say I can't wait until I like take a nap, or sleep through the night, or be able to eat whatever I want.....and those have all happened.

 

Today, my agenda is watching my daughter play basketball (the tournament we came for starts today), dinner with the teams, and who knows what else. Last year at this tournament I was suffering through heavy anxiety, this year it's mild. Right now I am lounging until it's time to start getting ready. I'm by myself and feeling peaceful.

 

Love to you all,

HH

 

PS... Peace, I have taken antibiotics a few times during withdrawal and was ok with them. I hope the Neti-pot works for you! I have a few friends who swear by them. Feel better!

[[Sk...]]

Drew, Lovingmom, congrats for your 8 months, this is huge.

 

Drew, you are one of the few people who seems to be able to do the right thing even in wd. I don't know how you do it. This is not a rash decision, it will take some time and by then you will be so much better. 

How nice of you to put your wd on hold, on the backburner, in order  to think about having  a family.  In wd, selfishness or selfcentredness, is dominant but you  have managed to keep it in check.

 

You will be a great father.

[[je...]]

Hi HH-- sadly yes, I've been reading on the main board and it seems many members can't take the mental torture so they reinstate. I know of one member who used to be with us on the 6-12 month thread, he was having a bout of insomnia and gave up and started taking serequol.. I haven't heard from him since. I honestly think more people than we realize end up back on benzos or some ad or psych drug.. Its so sad because they are really messing up their brains and kindling themselves.  Geez can I really relate on the body scanning thing. I'm so sick of thinking about sx all the time. I lay in bed and just scan my entire body for sx , its ridiculous. Anyhow, you sound a lot better today and that is good news.  Jenny

 

Drew-- I think you'd make a great dad, this is exciting stuff!

[[He...]]

Jenny,

I WAS doing better....until I started getting absolutely brought to my knees by anxiety and fear. Right now I'm in my way to the game, shaking, feeling like I'm going to throw up, and convinced I'm seconds away from death. Seriously?!?

 

I wonder if I'm reacting to going back to the same place where I struggled through so much last year? I can understand the pull of reinstatement at times like this.

 

 

[[63...]]

I just wanted to chime in real quick to let you all know how much I enjoyed all the posts from today....you are speaking to a larger audience than just those you are responding to in the thread ...

 

I read his 12-18 month thread almost daily even though I'm in the 6-12 month group. It helps me keep perspective on the length of the healing process, and thus, not to feel too discouraged by waves that catch me by surprise.

[[dr...]]

In the hope of doing a positive post I want to list my symptoms which have left me or reduced a lot..unless in a major wave...

 

Tinnitus

Head pressure

Migraine/bad headaches

Nightmares

Morning confusion

Burning skin

Numbness

Nerve pain

Tremors

Twitches

 

Things I'm still dealing with

Anxiety/panic

Nausea/bad tummy

Broken sleep

Morning blahs of racing heart and mind

Ocd type stuff

Health anxiety

Some isolated muscle pain but much less

Low threshold to stress

Severe fatigue

[[He...]]

This round of anxiety does not seem to want to pass. Shaking and freaking out for 3 hours now. God, I Hate this!  :'(

[[dr...]]

Hh-hoping your anxiety/fear passes soon. 

[[pe...]]

HH  - I'm hoping it's already gone and if it's still raging then I'm sure it's almost over. You got this, mama. You've seen it come and go before. It is awful and it is scary. But it is not you. They are symptoms that are bringing you always closer to real and permanent healing. Alternate nostril breathing is calming and focuses your mind. Hold the left nostril closed with your finger. Inhale through your right nostril, exhale through your left. Inhale left, exhale right. Inhale right, exhale left and repeat for twenty or more breaths.

 

Stay in touch,

Peace2

[[je...]]

Hope your feeling better HH 

 

I'm in some weird wave today... Dp/dr, constant intrusive thoughts that something else is wrong with me and I'm never getting better, feel a tad crazy... I feel like throwing a temper tantrum. I just want to feel healthy and happy, not this constant blah with constant body scanning..  Thanks for letting me vent.

Welcome Robert 

[[pe...]]

Hi Jenny,

I feel the same way today. 

I'm getting used to hiding in my house and can't fathom going to work next week. I'm cognitively aware(finally) of how hard and messed up this really is. Let me sit in my pajamas all day watching Say Yes to the Dress and the rest of the world can go on without me!

 

I hope this passes quickly for you. You're one of my heroes. I expect this wave to be short and sweet for you. You have come soooooooo far. I remember the early days and how hard they were for you for looooong stretches. You got this. And we'll be here for you no matter how long it takes.

 

I'm sure it doesn't help to have the boys home all day. I'm not sure how we're making it. It's largely because both hubby and I are teachers and both home for break. Could NEVER do it on my own.

 

Love you,

Peace2

[[He...]]

Thanks guys!

 

Good grief, I went from good to BAD today. I went to the game and kept the official scorebook, the whole time shaking and darn near freaking out. I then had to stay through the boys' game and go to dinner with the team because we were about 20 mins from our hotel room. I finally got back to the room about an hour ago, took a hot shower, and climbed into bed. Still VERY edgy and fearful, but not quite as frantic.

 

Do any of you take Benadryl as a way to calm down during panic episodes? I took one halfway through the boys' game and took another about 20 mins ago. A friend of mine suggested it many months ago, but I haven't used one more than about 3 times.

[[He...]]

Peace,

Thanks for the alternate nostril breathing idea! I'm going to try it.

[[je...]]

Thank you peace  I'm just not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel today, feels like I'm stuck this way. I have never in my life taken such good care of myself with diet/exercise and yet still feel this level of crap... And yes my boys are driving me nuts and I just want to hide in my bedroom and watch a bunch of mindless TV.  Love ya, jenny

[[je...]]

HH, I tried benadryl once when I was in a lot of anxiety and it did help. Made me very groggy, but the next day I did not feel good at all, I felt sick and wavy.

[[He...]]

Thanks Jenny,

I hope that's not the case for tomorrow.  :'(  It doesn't seem to be helping and I don't like the idea much anyway....

 

This wave will NOT stay broken. Surge after surge.  I'm sorry you are feeling crappy too! May tomorrow be a better day for us all.

 

 

[[He...]]

I'm sorry I'm blowing up the thread tonight, but I am really struggling. This anxiety is so physical...shaking (like I would be if I were freezing cold type of shaking), burning skin, head pressure, nausea.  And it has so much fear with it! I don't even think I could take any Vitamin C right now because I'd probably throw it up.

 

This has been going on for HOURS!  It has to stop at some point, right?  :'(

 

This is the stuff that freaks me out so badly with this w/d process.....I just don't understand these huge chemical storms this far out. Where do they come from? 

 

 

 

 

[[dr...]]

Hh-I took it a few times but all that stuff gave me bad dreams and dehydrated me. I also noticed I was much jumper the next day. Like restless wise.  I'm so sorry you and Jenny are getting hit. 

[[He...]]

Drew,

Have you ever has a panic attack that had lasted for hours? I cannot pull out of this one.  I'm almost to the point of having my husband take me to the ER for the first time ever......

 

 

[[dr...]]

I would not say a straight panic attack but I've had such high anxiety with several waves of panic over several hours.  Probably the same thing?  Too much benadryl can turn paradoxical.  Be careful.

[[He...]]

I only took two 25mg pills, one about 4 1/2 hours ago and the other about 2 hours ago, but I think it's adding to my panic rather than relieving it.

 

This sucks!  :'(