12-18 month support

[[Sk...]]

Hi guys & gals,

 

I'm reporting in after a week. I'm still in the same awful wave that is causing me body pain around stomach &ribs, burning & aching in legs and feet, burning around neck and glands. Also, edema comes and goes. My benzo belly actually grows bigger (extends out) when I have edema. I feel swollen all over. Because of all this pain I can't sleep. So that makes the pain even worse. Then of course I'm still boaty 24/7.  The good thing is my mental state is good. I can read, focus etc. If I get less than 2 hrs sleep then I do get cog fog. Won't drive when I'm in that state, to dangerous.  I'm starting my 22nd month tomorrow.

 

Are any of you suffering with all this severe body pain?

 

Beula - I think you suffer with painful legs.  Is it ok if I PM you?

 

Green- so sorry you're suffering. As you told me, this won't last. But it sure is a real pisser.

 

Coop- glad you're making good progress.

 

Nova- sounds like your in an out of your wave. It's got to be frustrating. I know you've got to be close to the end. Thanks for all your positive responses. Every little bit helps.

 

I know I left people out, but I just can't keep up only reading once a week.  Just know so I'm wishing the best for all of you.

 

Korbe, so sad to hear you are in so  much agony.

 

I never had the body pain you describe, only in tolerance did I have anything remotely comparable.

 

I can't imagine how you are managing it,  you are so brave.

 

Benzo belly is crazy, it has not rhyme or reason.

 

I seem to be about your age, I turned 22 recently.

 

My worst symptoms are the heart palps, vibrations, my day in day out wave and my brain was hit quite badly.

 

Wd is really so individual, every one has a different wd, it's incredible.

 

Korbe, hope things get better for you soon.

[[Sk...]]

Good Morning ... shallow sleep again ... seems I am only floating on the surface ...

 

Dare I say it? ... haven't had the shake and bake anxiety for a few days ...

 

This is getting better ... now if that beast would just stop pulling on my pant leg and growling I would be a happy camper ...

 

This up/down, on/off stuff and moodiness is wearing thin ...

 

Have a good Tuesday everyone ... 

 

Nova, dare away ! So great you are getting a break.

 

I know what you mean about this day in and day out being taxing on the nerves and life in general.

 

I am writing you from a bare house, with bare necessities.

 

I really miss my fridge, it's so hot  I could really do with a nice glass of cold water, ice cold water !

 

And they took my bikes.

 

BEfore they came, I took a nice dawn bike ride with my favorite bike. I went to check out  my favorite spots, at dawn everything looks amazing.

 

I am so tired !!!

 

The  only thing that scares me  now, is the idea of unpacking those boxes !

 

I am vibrating badly, my palps are bad, I exerted myself too much.

 

Hope to rest a little after lunch.

 

Everybody, heal away.

[[No...]]

Sky ... sorry you are having to "bare" it all ... this moving will soon be over ... as to unpacking ... no rush ... you can always draw happy faces on the boxes remaining to be unpacked ...

 

Hope you can find some quiet moments today ... perhaps a leisurely walk to an ice cream vendor ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[pe...]]

I am wishing I had more time to be here. I find such comfort but parenting and returning to full time work are getting in the way! I am grateful for your encouraging posts yesterday. I am hanging on every word. The ups and downs. The progress. I am holding all of you as I walk through this day. I am cloudy and scared by all I'm tasked to do and remember. I am letting go as best I can. Trying to forgive myself through all of this.

 

Hoping today has some bright spots for all.

So much love,

Peace2

[[Sk...]]

Sky ... sorry you are having to "bare" it all ... this moving will soon be over ... as to unpacking ... no rush ... you can always draw happy faces on the boxes remaining to be unpacked ...

 

Hope you can find some quiet moments today ... perhaps a leisurely walk to an ice cream vendor ...

 

Be Well ... 

 

Great idea, Nova ! Will do ! 

[[Sk...]]

I am wishing I had more time to be here. I find such comfort but parenting and returning to full time work are getting in the way! I am grateful for your encouraging posts yesterday. I am hanging on every word. The ups and downs. The progress. I am holding all of you as I walk through this day. I am cloudy and scared by all I'm tasked to do and remember. I am letting go as best I can. Trying to forgive myself through all of this.

 

Hoping today has some bright spots for all.

So much love,

Peace2

 

Peace, you are going to be fine.

 

Forgiving myself, is the thing I try to do  every day. I don't believe we can heal without that and it may be the most important thing of all. It can be hard, but we forgive so many people for just about anything, why be super hard on ourselves ? Definitely something that needs working on.

 

Cloudy and scared, I get that, I really do.

 

You are so doing this  !

 

[[Pu...]]

Good Morning ... shallow sleep again ... seems I am only floating on the surface ...

 

Dare I say it? ... haven't had the shake and bake anxiety for a few days ...

 

This is getting better ... now if that beast would just stop pulling on my pant leg and growling I would be a happy camper ...

 

This up/down, on/off stuff and moodiness is wearing thin ...

 

Have a good Tuesday everyone ... 

 

Nova, dare away ! So great you are getting a break.

 

I know what you mean about this day in and day out being taxing on the nerves and life in general.

 

I am writing you from a bare house, with bare necessities.

 

I really miss my fridge, it's so hot  I could really do with a nice glass of cold water, ice cold water !

 

And they took my bikes.

 

BEfore they came, I took a nice dawn bike ride with my favorite bike. I went to check out  my favorite spots, at dawn everything looks amazing.

 

I am so tired !!!

 

The  only thing that scares me  now, is the idea of unpacking those boxes !

 

I am vibrating badly, my palps are bad, I exerted myself too much.

 

Hope to rest a little after lunch.

 

Everybody, heal away.

 

I hope you feel better. I have discovered that overdoing it causes a minor setback. Rest, rest, rest!

[[no...]]

Hi all, I've not posted on this thread before but have been following for a while, feel like I know you all. I am 13 months off and having a devil of a time.. thought I had this but at 12months I got my butt kicked and can't seem to get back to where I was...

 

I vibrate inside and out.. you can put you hand on my leg and feel the vibrations, anxiety, which I never had predrug, is brutal..  and the shakes.. hmmm I look like a tweaker...

 

I was getting breaks in the evenings but a few evenings ago I went for a short hike and it's almost like my body discovered I was having a little break then... and attacked.. no more good evenings... it just goes on and on..

 

Your posts are all so encouraging to me. Many times you all express exactly what I am going through.

 

I'm not a steady poster on here, just my progress log.. just wanted to say thanks

 

Nomne

[[dr...]]

Hi all...I actually have some really big news to report although I hope I am not jinxing myself....I am in a bear of a wave and I just realized something this morning.  I thought the breathing issues were a new thing but they were always a a component of my "glutamate storms" I get in my waves.  Where everything goes wonky a few times a day.  Well...these are my typical glutamate storms but the big difference is my cognitive stuff and brain is just slightly affected.  Where last wave I could barely think.  I am clear headed while they are occurring and my chemical anxiety and fear level is much much less. 

Hard to explain but a major symptom has seemed to drop off...so excited as I've read in baylissa's book this is what happened to her.  :smitten:

 

It's crazy I feel crappy but I am happy as hell. 

[[...]]

I am wishing I had more time to be here. I find such comfort but parenting and returning to full time work are getting in the way! I am grateful for your encouraging posts yesterday. I am hanging on every word. The ups and downs. The progress. I am holding all of you as I walk through this day. I am cloudy and scared by all I'm tasked to do and remember. I am letting go as best I can. Trying to forgive myself through all of this.

 

Hoping today has some bright spots for all.

So much love,

Peace2

 

Peace, you are going to be fine.

 

Forgiving myself, is the thing I try to do  every day. I don't believe we can heal without that and it may be the most important thing of all. It can be hard, but we forgive so many people for just about anything, why be super hard on ourselves ? Definitely something that needs working on.

 

Cloudy and scared, I get that, I really do.

 

You are so doing this  !

 

 

Sky,

 

That is such a valid point about forgiving ourselves. It is something I need to do and I’m not very good at it. Giving myself a hard time comes too easy to me.

 

 

[[No...]]

Drew ... "It's crazy I feel crappy but I am happy as hell." ... I have been in this place for a while ... mostly happy ... grumpy sometimes ...

 

At one point I realized I am thinking great ... all that fog stuff just faded away ... nothing left but a few physical patterns ... and a very light touch of situational stuff ...

 

The out of the blue energy storms are gone ... just a little light vibration stuff once in a while ... although, I can still feel the tickle of an energy storm if I go to places with the Tai Chi/Qigong I am not ready for yet ...

 

[[BJ...]]

Hi all...I actually have some really big news to report although I hope I am not jinxing myself....I am in a bear of a wave and I just realized something this morning.  I thought the breathing issues were a new thing but they were always a a component of my "glutamate storms" I get in my waves.  Where everything goes wonky a few times a day.  Well...these are my typical glutamate storms but the big difference is my cognitive stuff and brain is just slightly affected.  Where last wave I could barely think.  I am clear headed while they are occurring and my chemical anxiety and fear level is much much less. 

Hard to explain but a major symptom has seemed to drop off...so excited as I've read in baylissa's book this is what happened to her.  :smitten:

 

It's crazy I feel crappy but I am happy as hell.

 

I know what you're talking about.  Despite all the recent wave of hell I'm going through, the one thing I realize that has gotten better is my cognitive skills.  Six months ago I struggled to put sentences together, which was really offputting at work.  Lately even though I've felt so crappy, I've actually been performing rather well.  I feel I can think very clearly, much better than when on the benzos to begin with.

[[Gr...]]

Green ... yep ... this mixed bag of physical stuff and feelings ...

 

Been in this space for almost a week ... don't know if I am punched, bored, or screwed ...

So I don't "engage" much ... no point in blowing something up ... 

 

Nothing to do except maybe eat a bagel and let time pass ... 

 

Nova, that's it, punched, bored or screwed.  I'm so miserable I almost can't stand myself.  And worried because the physical stuff still lingers.

time for a bagel

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning ... shallow sleep again ... seems I am only floating on the surface ...

 

Dare I say it? ... haven't had the shake and bake anxiety for a few days ...

 

This is getting better ... now if that beast would just stop pulling on my pant leg and growling I would be a happy camper ...

 

This up/down, on/off stuff and moodiness is wearing thin ...  That's where I'm at.  plus the severe sleep issues.  Moody sure does love company

 

Have a good Tuesday everyone ... 

[[Gr...]]

My mixed bag is I'm getting better, but I still have a lot going on, physical stuff, all of it.  and I'm moody as hell, as Nova notes, which I've managed to avoid all through this mess!  I had the best just survive, just keep going no matter what attitude ever.  And now I'm irritable, moody, worried this is going to go on forever, that I've healed as much as I'm going to, and this is it.  And I'm not accepting where I'm at, and that's kicking my ass.  I'm miserable, even though I mostly feel better than I have in a long time.  I don't know why.  Got a phone appointment with Baylissa, so hopefully I'll come away reassured.  I think that's what I need, reassurance.  I feel lost, like there are no sign posts this far out, no lights, and the road is unfamiliar.  I feel a little lost actually.

 

Sorry for the negative post.  I just have to post where I'm at right now, otherwise I can't post at all.

 

Feel better, all.  Korbe, you're in my prayers.

[[be...]]

Hi guys & gals,

 

I'm reporting in after a week. I'm still in the same awful wave that is causing me body pain around stomach &ribs, burning & aching in legs and feet, burning around neck and glands. Also, edema comes and goes. My benzo belly actually grows bigger (extends out) when I have edema. I feel swollen all over. Because of all this pain I can't sleep. So that makes the pain even worse. Then of course I'm still boaty 24/7.  The good thing is my mental state is good. I can read, focus etc. If I get less than 2 hrs sleep then I do get cog fog. Won't drive when I'm in that state, to dangerous.  I'm starting my 22nd month tomorrow.

 

 

Are any of you suffering with all this severe body pain?

 

Beula - I think you suffer with painful legs.  Is it ok if I PM you?

 

Green- so sorry you're suffering. As you told me, this won't last. But it sure is a real pisser.

 

Coop- glad you're making good progress.

 

Nova- sounds like your in an out of your wave. It's got to be frustrating. I know you've got to be close to the end. Thanks for all your positive responses. Every little bit helps.

 

I know I left people out, but I just can't keep up only reading once a week.  Just know so I'm wishing the best for all of you.

 

Kobe, you may pm me anytime.

[[...]]

My mixed bag is I'm getting better, but I still have a lot going on, physical stuff, all of it.  and I'm moody as hell, as Nova notes, which I've managed to avoid all through this mess!  I had the best just survive, just keep going no matter what attitude ever.  And now I'm irritable, moody, worried this is going to go on forever, that I've healed as much as I'm going to, and this is it.  And I'm not accepting where I'm at, and that's kicking my ass.  I'm miserable, even though I mostly feel better than I have in a long time.  I don't know why.  Got a phone appointment with Baylissa, so hopefully I'll come away reassured.  I think that's what I need, reassurance.  I feel lost, like there are no sign posts this far out, no lights, and the road is unfamiliar.  I feel a little lost actually.

 

Sorry for the negative post.  I just have to post where I'm at right now, otherwise I can't post at all.

 

Feel better, all.  Korbe, you're in my prayers.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh wow Green, are you writing for me  as everything you have said is a mirror of me right now apart from ''feeling better than I have in a long time'' and moody. I'm just really low and tired. It was first day back at work with very little sleep last night. I too have a consultation with Baylissa. How you get the reassurance you need 

 

 

I too am sick of the negativity and so want to be positive. Positive breeds positive. This is so hard  :'(

[[be...]]

Hi Everyone.  I skimmed what I missed but it's too much to respond to.  And it's expired feelings, anyway, lol

 

I have no idea where the hell I'm at!  I feel healing, but I also feel wavy.  The most significant thing I feel is bitchy and very sorry for myself  (TY, Sky, for nailing that emotion)

 

I have such a mixed bag of feelings I almost didn't want to post, I wanted to slink away in a corner like a dog and lick my self pity wounds.  A variation on everyone is healing but me!  self pity.  not good in withdrawal. 

in other ways I'm doing amazingly well, mentally mostly.  still struggling with sleep, on and off good days/ bad days, with good days being almost normal, except for strength and energy and waking up so late, and bad days being pretty bad.  So I'm a mixed bag, not hopeless, but oh, so tired of waiting to be better, in a funk, tired of -- of all of it.

 

I didn't want to post negative, but I needed to be honest. 

 

Keep on healing.

 

This is exactly where I'm at in my healing. I can feel healing going on but can't put my finger on what's being healed..if that makes sense. Good days sandwiched in between the bad...shake well and keep on.

 

Nothing wrong with posting negative if it's how you feel..this is what we do. Hang in there...we know it gets better.

[[Pu...]]

Hi Everyone.  I skimmed what I missed but it's too much to respond to.  And it's expired feelings, anyway, lol

 

I have no idea where the hell I'm at!  I feel healing, but I also feel wavy.  The most significant thing I feel is bitchy and very sorry for myself  (TY, Sky, for nailing that emotion)

 

I have such a mixed bag of feelings I almost didn't want to post, I wanted to slink away in a corner like a dog and lick my self pity wounds.  A variation on everyone is healing but me!  self pity.  not good in withdrawal. 

in other ways I'm doing amazingly well, mentally mostly.  still struggling with sleep, on and off good days/ bad days, with good days being almost normal, except for strength and energy and waking up so late, and bad days being pretty bad.  So I'm a mixed bag, not hopeless, but oh, so tired of waiting to be better, in a funk, tired of -- of all of it.

 

I didn't want to post negative, but I needed to be honest. 

 

Keep on healing.

 

This is exactly where I'm at in my healing. I can feel healing going on but can't put my finger on what's being healed..if that makes sense. Good days sandwiched in between the bad...shake well and keep on.

 

Nothing wrong with posting negative if it's how you feel..this is what we do. Hang in there...we know it gets better.

 

I love your signature!! I have been second-guessing my jump all day. I've been wondering if everything that I am feeling is in fact, benzo withdrawal. I know deep down in my heart that it is. I had a friend fill my head with doubt earlier - telling me that I should have been healed at 3 months. Your signature is exactly what I needed to see! Thank you!

[[No...]]

Green ... " I feel lost, like there are no sign posts this far out, no lights, and the road is unfamiliar." ...

 

Floundering ... yep ... no signposts ... limbo ... this road sure is unfamiliar ... waiting, waiting, waiting ...

 

No wonder we are moody ... 

[[No...]]

Hey PugLover ... if anyone told me when I should be "fixed" ... I would invite them to take a long walk off a short peer in stormy weather ...

 

I believe nobody knows anything about the individual aspects of this process with any certainty at all ... period ... full stop ... exclamation point ...

 

And anybody that claims to know what is going on should go on CNN and start making their first million ... there are probably several big pharma groups that want to talk to them ...

 

Seems all we know for sure is that we get off the drug, stay off the drug, and in time we will get better ... if we suspect there may be a medical issue going on we can attempt to get that checked out ...

 

Otherwise, here we all are ... just strumming along ... doing our thing ... passing time ... getting better ...

 

Okay ... that is my September rant ... I promise not to give another one for at least 30 minutes ... 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Hi all...I actually have some really big news to report although I hope I am not jinxing myself....I am in a bear of a wave and I just realized something this morning.  I thought the breathing issues were a new thing but they were always a a component of my "glutamate storms" I get in my waves.  Where everything goes wonky a few times a day.  Well...these are my typical glutamate storms but the big difference is my cognitive stuff and brain is just slightly affected.  Where last wave I could barely think.  I am clear headed while they are occurring and my chemical anxiety and fear level is much much less. 

Hard to explain but a major symptom has seemed to drop off...so excited as I've read in baylissa's book this is what happened to her.  :smitten:

 

It's crazy I feel crappy but I am happy as hell.

 

.....Drew, when my clarity started to become reliable during anxiety things began to shift towards less overall anxiety and a better sense of healing. I think Green said the same thing, once her mind came back consistently things got better in spite of sx and some wavy days. It seems like being able keep a clear head goes a long way in tolerating and enduring remaining sx and wavy days. ....You are getting there...So glad to read your post.  This tsunami wave that have been under is going to roll out.....and I will be doing a happy dance for you...

.......glutamate storms be gone!..  ..coop

 

[[Co...]]

Drew ... "It's crazy I feel crappy but I am happy as hell." ... I have been in this place for a while ... mostly happy ... grumpy sometimes ...

 

At one point I realized I am thinking great ... all that fog stuff just faded away ... nothing left but a few physical patterns ... and a very light touch of situational stuff ...

 

The out of the blue energy storms are gone ... just a little light vibration stuff once in a while ... although, I can still feel the tickle of an energy storm if I go to places with the Tai Chi/Qigong I am not ready for yet ...

 

 

......Nova....and BJames!!.....That's it exactly!  Once the mind comes back with reliable clarity other things can get worse but it all seems so much better . That was a turning point for me. Before the clarity clicked in any sx at all seemed to come with cog fog, d/r, inability to think, the feeling of trying to live with an 'under water' feeling. Like BJames, putting thoughts together in a conversation just wasn't possible half the time.

  ....Now the clarity is getting very reliable and it's making all the difference ... even with lingering sx...

...Nova, BJames and Drew.....Happy Happy clarity.  .imo it is such a good indication of more healing.....coop

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... hope things are staying good for you ...

 

I had a regular sort of so-so day ... just waiting to get out of limbo ... 

[[Co...]]

Hi guys & gals,

 

I'm reporting in after a week. I'm still in the same awful wave that is causing me body pain around stomach &ribs, burning & aching in legs and feet, burning around neck and glands. Also, edema comes and goes. My benzo belly actually grows bigger (extends out) when I have edema. I feel swollen all over. Because of all this pain I can't sleep. So that makes the pain even worse. Then of course I'm still boaty 24/7.  The good thing is my mental state is good. I can read, focus etc. If I get less than 2 hrs sleep then I do get cog fog. Won't drive when I'm in that state, to dangerous.  I'm starting my 22nd month tomorrow.

 

 

Are any of you suffering with all this severe body pain?

 

Beula - I think you suffer with painful legs.  Is it ok if I PM you?

 

Green- so sorry you're suffering. As you told me, this won't last. But it sure is a real pisser.

 

Coop- glad you're making good progress.

 

Nova- sounds like your in an out of your wave. It's got to be frustrating. I know you've got to be close to the end. Thanks for all your positive responses. Every little bit helps.

 

I know I left people out, but I just can't keep up only reading once a week.  Just know so I'm wishing the best for all of you.

 

Kobe, you may pm me anytime.

 

.....Korbe, I am just starting month 22 tomorrow and I am still getting random days ....actually mostly nights of all over body pain that makes sleep impissible. It is worse than my RA pain. It had been pretty much gone, but came back on and off in month 20.  The belly/rib/chest pain was a brand new gift from the benzo beast in month 16/17...  It is all still around on a come and go basis, but so much better in terms of frequency and intensiry.....The fact that you can concentrate and be clear enough to read a book is such a good sign. I read my first book cover to cover in 2 years just 10 days ago.. 

  .  I am so sorry you are still suffering like this Korbe....It will get better....We are getting closer, but sometimes 22 months seems like a life time. I am thinking of you and wishing you some relief and sunbreaks ... Do Epsome salts hot soaks help at all?. I use the lavender ones and it helps alot, but pretty temoray . Arnica cream also helps on the worst areas. I haven't tried it all over ( too expensive), but I run it into my shoulders, neck and knees and it does take the edge off. 

  ...feel better Korbe.  coop