12-18 month support

[[BJ...]]

Peace, you are a real trooper for handling your job while going through this.  I have a teaching license and totally get your trepidation going back.  That is a high energy job for sure that I know would be quite difficult for anyone going through this process.  For those of us that are working, simply functioning on just an average level often takes a Herculean effort.  I sincerely wish the best for you this school year and hopefully the job itself will provide enough distraction to carry you through the rough seas you're sailing through right now.

 

As for me and my woes, I'm pretty down right now.  It's hard to eat and I didn't get a second of sleep last night.  Feels like I have a touch of reflux and some recurrent muscle tightness I'm having trouble eliminating.  I have this weird sternum pain that is awful.  Anxiety is high.  My quality of life is absolutely shot to hell right now.  There doesn't feel like there's any comfort for me.  I'm scared to death and on the verge of a complete breakdown.  It's really hard to go forward and be motivated.

 

Thanks for all the words of encouragement in previous posts. 

[[Co...]]

Good Morning ... restful sleep seems to be at a premium for me these last few days ...

 

This head pressure and sinus stuff and boatiness is getting a little irritating ... oh well ...

 

Monday it is ... time for a walk before it heats up to where I do not feel comfortable outside ... 

 

......Nova...thank you for your kindness and support....Yes , the air show was so much fun. My oldest grandson ( 12) wants to be a pilot and already knows so much about planes ....He can take junior flight school next summer and is chomping at the bit...

......Nova I would gladly give you half of my good days if such a thing was possible. ....I am so wishing you better days with your 'bounce'..  I know it's coming ...As you say, " better...but not better enough"... Glad you got out this morning. ....I was furniture shopping the other day and sat in a recliner that was about 10 times more cushy than my tempurpedic bed....If I had one of those I would sleep in all the time too.

......Feel better my dear friend...  love to you......coop

[[No...]]

Sky ... we are who we are during this stuff ... and you are doing a good job ... some days it seems we are just feeling a little disconnected and crazy ... it is what it is ...

 

Staring at a pile of boxes ... having my stuff dis-sorted ... would make me unsettled as well ...

 

As an old mentor said ... smile and dial ... and eat ice cream ... 

[[Co...]]

Peace.....you are not alone in this....ever. We love you ....you have been here for all of us for 2 years....remember...." no body is going to be left behind" ...Green gave us that mantra months and months ago.....We are for for each other until it's over.....I am so sorry that you are having sad times. I have to believe that you are close though. HH and Jenny had one of thier worst waves between months 18-20 and then made a gradual but steady turn around. Month 20 was terrible for me... now things ( month 22) are feeling promising.. 

.....Pm me any time MightyGirl.  You are right....pain meds and ADs .are more of the same for those of us who are sensitive...and eventually you have to come off of those too. So glad you have a supportive hubby. I still get ' crying at the kitchen table ' mornings too.....but seldom and momentary....

  .Thinking of you Peace.....love to you friend....this has an end and you are going to get there.....coop

[[Co...]]

Marj.....well, that's no way to have vacation ...so sorry it was wavy....Month 16 was very wavy for me, and I think Drew is in month 16 too and getting hit with waves. I had about a 3.5 month wave on wave ....like acute 2 between months 16- 20....It seems common to have a really tough patch towards the end and then things start improving to a much better place.

......You are doing an great job of seeing it through . I know you walk almost every day. I have to get out each morning with my dog too, and I think it has been a help. There have been so many mornings in which I just didn't feel like it...but had to anyway... often I felt better by the time I got in. On terrible bed days I was proud that at least I did that much if nothing else. .. I don't think I could have worked though. You are strong and determined .. you are going to get through this and never look back.  Love to you Marj...Wishing you much better days.  coop

[[Co...]]

Sky....thank you so much for your kind words. Congratulations on making it through 22 months..  I know you are going through a huge transition right now with moving. So glad you have Mr. Sky.  You have had such a long travel Sky, with almost daily sx... I can see the improvement in your posts. Moving is such a huge thing....makes us crazy in 'normal' times....You have been such a constant support to us . ....You are healing.  You have a brand new life in front of you and you are going to be ready for it..  Thank you for being here for us Sky.  Love to you.  coop

[[dr...]]

Bj-the sternum stuff I had too.  It was like a pressure there for me.  I thought it was heart related along with all the chest wall pain and other stuff.  Nothing of the sort.  it all left me.  Just hang on and don't over analyze it.

 

Coop--keep the good reports coming...

 

 

Hope everyone else is doing well but hard for me to respond.  Woke uop with a slight pressure headache and that morphed into  heart palps, breathlessness, and crazy chemical anxiety. I remember someone saying they had the most awful mornings aroung this time.  Well I am there.  Just trying to stay grounded as I know it will pass.  Had it many times before but the breathlessness sucks as does everything else. 

 

I am encouraged by the healing taking place on this thread.  Even though we are all different there seems to be some baseline timeframes that are turning points. 

[[Co...]]

Bjames..  I can't believe your post... I could have ( and probably did) written it myself in May/June .. months 17/18 for me....exactly the same thing....breathing anxiety, reflux, pain at the upper belly and sternum..  terrible poop problems....trip after trip to the clinic.  I had a cough with mine which I learned from the gastrointerologist is ' silent' reflux....BJ.  it took some time, but it is better now.. still babying it along but it better....took a few months.

......There seems to be a handful of you ....all in the second half of the second year really suffering long going tough waves. It seems almost classic w/d..  A tough tough wave late in year 2 that gives way to big improvement. I am wishing that improvement for all of us. 

.....I am thinking of you BJ and sending love to you.  Feel better friend... coop

[[Sk...]]

Sky ... we are who we are during this stuff ... and you are doing a good job ... some days it seems we are just feeling a little disconnected and crazy ... it is what it is ...

 

Staring at a pile of boxes ... having my stuff dis-sorted ... would make me unsettled as well ...

 

As an old mentor said ... smile and dial ... and eat ice cream ... 

 

Nova, I am doing the ice cream part, and also the smiling, come to think of it. My back is covered !

[[Co...]]

Drew, ....the morning chemical stuff...so sorry...your mind set is so good, ..." it's hard but I have been her a million times and it always passes"....It seems like once you get to that place og acceptance it takes some of the punch out it....of course all bets are off in a panic attack. It was really hard for me to get to that place....and still is if my sx are intensely physical...even moderately intense. ...You have held steady through some of the worst longest lasting sx...I have learned so much from you. Are you still going to see the headache specialist?.    I also got a re-run of the morning anxiety, breathlessness and intrusive thoughts in month 19/20... after it had disappeared for a few months....waking up can still be a little chemical but it goes away as soon as I get up. ...I honestly don't think I could endure months and months of headaches.  The physical sx put me in a twirl....It amazes me how much courage .....daily courage and determination this takes. If we were not strong and brave and strong before this we are by the time we are done with this.

.......Wishing you a good day ....without headaches .... coop

 

[[dr...]]

thx coop    I hold it together by shoestrings...like I am doing now.  the palps ahve subsided for a bit but now I have heavy DR.  Just trying to stay grounded and not let the crazy thoughts cause panic. 

 

The headache center is having trouble with my doc on the referral.  Calling to try and clear up.  argh...

[[BJ...]]

I appreciate the kind words.  I probably am overthinking this, but these last few weeks have been the pits without any return to the baseline, which is about 60% healed.  I thought I was turning a corner from this latest tsunami, but after last night I'm right back in the dumps.  The sternum pain is the main culprit.  Either by moderate reflux or chronic hyperventilation, my intercostals are very sore in the sternum.  I just took an Aleve so hopefully that helps some.  I constantly remind myself that benzo withdrawal has no pattern, and that the array of symptoms are wide-spread, but sometimes it can still get the best of me.  It seems impossible that there are so many ways to feel crummy that just pile on, but it's true.  It's just hard to accept.  I have been checked for heart conditions, athsma, and the reflux is generally under control and really mild, and otherwise I'm completely healthy.  How can we all be healthy and feel this way!!!!  It's ridiculous.

 

Maybe if I didn't have to deal with stressful work projects without a day off for two weeks I would feel a bit better.  Somehow I'll survive.

 

Best wishes to all for the rest of the day.

[[be...]]

Hey all,

Whew, had some computer problems for a few days. We had another bad storm here with more downed trees and no electric for a day and a half. When they got the electric back on everybody was having problems with the internet service. I would log onto here and start to type and the internet would go down. I think it's ok now.

 

But anyway, Coop, I read your post and I'm so happy you are feeling better...does my heart good.

Nova, I seen you are still in the soup a little, it's ok..so am I ..but we really are getting there.

 

I've been waving in and out for the past week but the waves are getting less intense. The muscles aren't cooperating..no surprise though. Still having some nerve pain in the legs and head pressure.

Same ole same ole stuff.

 

My granddaughter started back to school today she is a big sixth grader. My daughter came over and brought breakfast after the bus ran. It was nice to have some mother daughter time alone with no kid interruptions, we haven't had any days like this for a while because of her mommy duties.

 

Hey Coop, we also took our granddaughter to a hot air balloon show and the air show is next weekend.

 

Sky, I'm making meatloaf, boiled potatoes with carrots and celery and pumpkin bread.

 

We gotta keep on keeping on!! Many hugs to all.

 

 

[[Gr...]]

I thought yesterday I was in  a bad place, but today, I can see it's worse.

 

THey came and moved some stuff, took away quite a lot of furniture. I know it had to be done, but I am feeling bitchy and full of self pity, just the same !

 

My vibrations have gotten worse, guess it was the mild contribution I gave. Too much excitement and exercise ? Who knows.

The thread is so quiet, suppose it means people are feeling better and living their lives. High time, too ! 

 

No, Sky, I'm still here!  Like you, the house was too much for me!  I had to get up for the installation guys, water heater.  I didn't sleep a wink, woke up too early, had to move stuff in the basement so they could get to the work area.  And it left me feeling like I had pure adrenaline running through my veins!  I couldn't believe how revved and sick I felt.  I didn't know what to do, so I ate some carbs.  a bagel. choked it down.  I don't know why I thought of that, but it worked.  but still, rough couple of days.

 

it's so weird, there are improvements, but I am :  feeling bitchy and full of self pity, just the same   So glad you put that out there.  That's exactly where I'm at.

[[Gr...]]

http://www.crunkfeministcollective.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/balloons.jpg

 

HAPPY 22ND ANNIVERSARY, SKY![move][/move]

[[Gr...]]

Hi Everyone.  I skimmed what I missed but it's too much to respond to.  And it's expired feelings, anyway, lol

 

I have no idea where the hell I'm at!  I feel healing, but I also feel wavy.  The most significant thing I feel is bitchy and very sorry for myself  (TY, Sky, for nailing that emotion)

 

I have such a mixed bag of feelings I almost didn't want to post, I wanted to slink away in a corner like a dog and lick my self pity wounds.  A variation on everyone is healing but me!  self pity.  not good in withdrawal. 

in other ways I'm doing amazingly well, mentally mostly.  still struggling with sleep, on and off good days/ bad days, with good days being almost normal, except for strength and energy and waking up so late, and bad days being pretty bad.  So I'm a mixed bag, not hopeless, but oh, so tired of waiting to be better, in a funk, tired of -- of all of it.

 

I didn't want to post negative, but I needed to be honest. 

 

Keep on healing.

[[No...]]

Green ... yep ... this mixed bag of physical stuff and feelings ...

 

Been in this space for almost a week ... don't know if I am punched, bored, or screwed ...

 

So I don't "engage" much ... no point in blowing something up ... 

 

Nothing to do except maybe eat a bagel and let time pass ... 

[[Sk...]]

http://www.crunkfeministcollective.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/balloons.jpg

 

HAPPY 22ND ANNIVERSARY, SKY![move][/move]

 

Thanks Green, I love balloons !

 

One of my regrets on leaving, is that there is this balloon shop that has just opened right downstairs, it really appealed to the little girl inside me ! 

[[Sk...]]

Hi Everyone.  I skimmed what I missed but it's too much to respond to.  And it's expired feelings, anyway, lol

 

I have no idea where the hell I'm at!  I feel healing, but I also feel wavy.  The most significant thing I feel is bitchy and very sorry for myself  (TY, Sky, for nailing that emotion)

 

I have such a mixed bag of feelings I almost didn't want to post, I wanted to slink away in a corner like a dog and lick my self pity wounds.  A variation on everyone is healing but me!  self pity.  not good in withdrawal. 

in other ways I'm doing amazingly well, mentally mostly.  still struggling with sleep, on and off good days/ bad days, with good days being almost normal, except for strength and energy and waking up so late, and bad days being pretty bad.  So I'm a mixed bag, not hopeless, but oh, so tired of waiting to be better, in a funk, tired of -- of all of it.

 

I didn't want to post negative, but I needed to be honest. 

 

Keep on healing.

 

You did very well  in telling us all about it.

 

Mixed bag, sounds like a great definition.

 

Wd turns us all in aspiring writers, we are trying to capture that elusive symptom with the perfect definition/ expression so that others will understand what is happening! 

 

Here it is very hot, I went out with my bike to the countryside to get some cool air. There was a beautiful moon.  I had a giggling fit because of something mr Sky told me, I laughed so much I got tears in my eyes. And I lived to tell the story ! These days, in wd, that is not something to be taken for granted.

 

Tomorrow, the moving guys, are coming here early to take away, my beloved bikes, my desk ( Wednesday, I will be having lessons with cardboard boxes as a desk ! ) and the fridge.

 

We are already using cardboard boxes as bedside tables.

 

Friday, all this will be taken by truck to Cremona, our destination.

 

It's becoming almost an adventure.

 

That must be why I am getting so many intrusives that jerk me awake, too much adventure for my debilitated brain ! 

 

Everybody, I am going to bed, hope you guys get some breaks.

 

Heal on. 

[[dr...]]

Wow-unrelenting day.  Have breathing issues that feel like I'm not getting enough air.  It waxes and wanes.  These first post migraine days are terrible.  Now I'm questioning wether it's the migraine supplement I started which I said I wouldn't. Lol

 

I had these bad days post migraine the whole time. They are literally my worst days of withdrawal.  Finished work and got a haircut. I didn't even leave early or cxl anything. Another day in the books.

[[dr...]]

Ok...everything morphed again....breathing issues and anxiety gone!  Back with head pain and weird brain. Oh my, this is weird. 

 

I spoke w my therapist and we agreed I'm sticking with the migraine supplement unless I get way worse.  A big key to me is trying to get a handle on the migraines since they set off a cascade of other stuff.  It takes about two months to work but some relief is achieved by around 80% of people. 

 

This day and week has been one of my worst in a while. Probably two weeks or so

[[Ko...]]

Hi guys & gals,

 

I'm reporting in after a week. I'm still in the same awful wave that is causing me body pain around stomach &ribs, burning & aching in legs and feet, burning around neck and glands. Also, edema comes and goes. My benzo belly actually grows bigger (extends out) when I have edema. I feel swollen all over. Because of all this pain I can't sleep. So that makes the pain even worse. Then of course I'm still boaty 24/7.  The good thing is my mental state is good. I can read, focus etc. If I get less than 2 hrs sleep then I do get cog fog. Won't drive when I'm in that state, to dangerous.  I'm starting my 22nd month tomorrow.

 

Are any of you suffering with all this severe body pain?

 

Beula - I think you suffer with painful legs.  Is it ok if I PM you?

 

Green- so sorry you're suffering. As you told me, this won't last. But it sure is a real pisser.

 

Coop- glad you're making good progress.

 

Nova- sounds like your in an out of your wave. It's got to be frustrating. I know you've got to be close to the end. Thanks for all your positive responses. Every little bit helps.

 

I know I left people out, but I just can't keep up only reading once a week.  Just know so I'm wishing the best for all of you.

[[No...]]

Korbe ... as you say ... severe pain is a pisser ... I haven't gone down that road so I can only imagine, no I can't ... I can't even imagine ...

 

Hang on my friend ... this will get better ...

 

I am still floating in and out of these symptoms ... and my functioning is good ... no fog lately ...

 

Hope you have a much better week ... 

[[No...]]

Drew ... wishing you a better day today ... you are certainly getting knocked about lately ... 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... shallow sleep again ... seems I am only floating on the surface ...

 

Dare I say it? ... haven't had the shake and bake anxiety for a few days ...

 

This is getting better ... now if that beast would just stop pulling on my pant leg and growling I would be a happy camper ...

 

This up/down, on/off stuff and moodiness is wearing thin ...

 

Have a good Tuesday everyone ...