12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Peace ... how are you getting on? ...

 

I am in the crapper again with the head stuff and general muscle stuff ... it just keeps coming and going ... sort of hoping it will get lost one day and not find its way back to me ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[Pu...]]

Peace ... how are you getting on? ...

 

I am in the crapper again with the head stuff and general muscle stuff ... it just keeps coming and going ... sort of hoping it will get lost one day and not find its way back to me ...

 

Be Well ... 

 

I'm having a bad head day. Really dizzy and depressed. I haven't felt this way during the withdrawal. I'm pretty scared right now. 

[[No...]]

PugLover ... hmmm ... dizzy and depressed ... and scared ...

 

I know where you are ... and it can be unpleasant ... and it is the healing process ... our bodies know what they are doing ... and often we just haven't got a clue what is happening ... recovery from these drugs is something utterly foreign to us ...

 

And it can be confusing and scary ... and for a while things may be very intense ...

 

And you are doing well, you got off the drug, stayed off the drug, and you are healing ...

[[Pu...]]

PugLover ... hmmm ... dizzy and depressed ... and scared ...

 

I know where you are ... and it can be unpleasant ... and it is the healing process ... our bodies know what they are doing ... and often we just haven't got a clue what is happening ... recovery from these drugs is something utterly foreign to us ...

 

And it can be confusing and scary ... and for a while things may be very intense ...

 

And you are doing well, you got off the drug, stayed off the drug, and you are healing ...

 

I'm crying reading your response. Thank you!!!! I just have a tremendous fear that these new symptoms will stay forever.

[[Pu...]]

PugLover ... hmmm ... dizzy and depressed ... and scared ...

 

I know where you are ... and it can be unpleasant ... and it is the healing process ... our bodies know what they are doing ... and often we just haven't got a clue what is happening ... recovery from these drugs is something utterly foreign to us ...

 

And it can be confusing and scary ... and for a while things may be very intense ...

 

And you are doing well, you got off the drug, stayed off the drug, and you are healing ...

 

PS, my therapist gave me a piece of paper last week with the Chartres Cathedral on it like your avi!

[[No...]]

PugLover ... yep ... we all have that fear from time to time ... the fear that this will never end ... the fear that everyone else will heal except me ... the fear that I cannot survive this ...

 

The fear is real ... what the fear is telling us is not ... the fear is simply another symptom that you are healing ... and, as with all these symptoms, it seems all we can do is accept that things are fundamentally okay ... and in the meantime it can feel like hell on wheels ...

 

The Chartres picture is of the Labyrinth on the floor of the cathedral ...

 

It reminds me that even though things are rough, and sometimes they feel so confusing, I know, in my bones, that all will be well in time ...

 

I can choose whether I experience this process as a Labyrinth or a Maze ...

 

The Labyrith is a healing path ... wandering round and round ... it has a distinct beginning and a distinct end ... and along the path there are benches where I can rest .. and vistas I can connect with ... I started along this path with the intention to heal ... and I will heal ...

 

The Maze is a trick, a lie ... I go round and round and get nowhere ... no place to rest ... constant frustration ... always feeling discouraged and lost ...

 

And ... I can choose how I experience this process ... and yes, there are very hard hours, very hard days ... and there are times of rest ...

[[Pu...]]

PugLover ... yep ... we all have that fear from time to time ... the fear that this will never end ... the fear that everyone else will heal except me ... the fear that I cannot survive this ...

 

The fear is real ... what the fear is telling us is not ... the fear is simply another symptom that you are healing ... and, as with all these symptoms, it seems all we can do is accept that things are fundamentally okay ... and in the meantime it can feel like hell on wheels ...

 

The Chartres picture is of the Labyrinth on the floor of the cathedral ...

 

It reminds me that even though things are rough, and sometimes they feel so confusing, I know, in my bones, that all will be well in time ...

 

I can choose whether I experience this process as a Labyrinth or a Maze ...

 

The Labyrith is a healing path ... wandering round and round ... it has a distinct beginning and a distinct end ... and along the path there are benches where I can rest .. and vistas I can connect with ... I started along this path with the intention to heal ... and I will heal ...

 

The Maze is a trick, a lie ... I go round and round and get nowhere ... no place to rest ... constant frustration ... always feeling discouraged and lost ...

 

And ... I can choose how I experience this process ... and yes, there are very hard hours, very hard days ... and there are times of rest ...

 

Thank you!!!!!! You are amazing!!!!?

[[pe...]]

Peace ... how are you getting on? ...

 

I am in the crapper again with the head stuff and general muscle stuff ... it just keeps coming and going ... sort of hoping it will get lost one day and not find its way back to me ...

 

Be Well ... 

 

Hi nova,

I had one of those sobbing at the kitchen table kind of days. Where my husband assured me it's getting better and asked me to hold on a little longer. Holding. And if I should make it through this it will be in no small part because of his support and your support and green and coop. Because your hearts are amazing.

 

I'm sorry you still get the head stuff and the muscle stuff. You've had enough stuff! I guess we all have. I hope it gets lost for good soon soon soon.

 

Chatting with you is good for me. Grounding. Reassuring. Oh the magic that is you, dear Nova.

Sleep well.

 

Side note. My sons always get dressed before bed since they have a hard time getting up in the morning. My four year old found some corduroy pants and I can hear him coming in those whistle britches from a mile away. Made me smile.

 

Peace2

[[No...]]

Hi Peace ... ah ... the whistling chords ...

 

I used to have a pair of shoes with some kind of soles that if they got the least bit damp the would squeal and squeak on the tile floors ... made a wonderful sound ... loved those shoes ...

 

Hmmm ... the sobbing at the kitchen table kind of day ... yuk ... and ... that's okay ... we need to do whatever we can to hold on with whatever we can ... that is the remedy for this process ... Time ...

 

I am actually in pretty good shape ... very functional ... and ... this physical stuff is draining ... day in and day out ... and it is exhausting ...

 

Oh well ... it is what it is until it isn't ...

 

Hope you have a good week ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[Co...]]

Drew...I could have written your post ....word for word when I was at 16 months....especially the part about new sx appearing and although some sx disappearing, the remains few were intense and persistent. May was month 16/17 for me. That's when a lot of the acute sx lessened for me, but the new one.....intense 24/7 health fear landed on me like a brick building ....along with reflux and breathing anxiety ...also new sx. The lingering sx of d/r and cog fog hung on with varying frequency....I also couldn't be comfortable or feel free of sx enough to freely go about without not knowing if I would get hit or not....Months 16-20 were my worst months of year 2..  Now at the beginning of month 22 things are so much better.  They got better gradually in a stutter manner...but really over a pretty short time period....maybe a month or 5 weeks...

....I am so glad that the visual migraines are letting up...You have come through waves that would put a y ody on thier knees....and you keep going. I have so much respect for you Drew....I can't imagine you ever living a Monk's life....and you won't have to.....coop

[[Co...]]

Hi 12-18 buddies....

....I have been off the thread for a couple of days....yed, Drew, living my life...I always hesitate about posting improvements because I know others are still in the thick of things....but I also know that when I am in the thick of things hearing the progress of others gives me encouragement and hope.

  .. I am continuing to feel steady healing. I posted some of the details in my progress journal...

    I think the encouragement that I want to hang on to and pass along is that my improvements seem to be following a similar pattern as HH and Jenny. Somewhere around 22-24  months ( give or take)....things shift . ..I am not sx free...and I don't think I am going to wake up some morning soon with miraculous 100% healed....but it is getting better every day in one way or another My baseline is holding at 80%-85%...This week my energy has picked up. I am still tired by 4pm but my energy up until then is so much better.

...My ex and I took our 3 grandsons to an air show yesterday. I didn't get any dread or anxiety or thoughts of sudden heart attack or stroke before going....a little nervousness that was consistent with my pre-benzo normal nervousness. ...There was noise ( huge noise), chaos, a million people...a long afternoon going all over the air field...tired hungry kids...I had one fleeting mild panic ( lasted about 15 seconds) and some head pressure that faded in and out throughout the afternoon....that was it...

....I honestly thought I would never ever be at this place. Four weeks ago I didn't think I would be here. I am holding my breath waiting for another wave to wash me out to sea but I am holding on. I think the biggest difference for me in the last few weeks is that I am getting come and go sx....as opposed to waves..

....I hope this encourages everyone who is feeling rolled over by waves right now. ....You really don't know when you will start feeling better....Wishing everyone sunbreaks and better days......coop

[[Co...]]

I appear to be coming out of this latest monster wave that's spanned more than two weeks, though I need more time to pass along with feeling a bit better to confirm.  I realize the dragon can return at any minute.  Breathing is returning to normal and the chest soreness is much improved, though I'd like it to get to the point where I'm not dwelling about it anymore.  That's hard to do.  I can only hope things keeping going in the current direction.

 

Be well, buddies.

...BJames.....I  so happy to hear that you are surfacing from that wave....I hope it holds too...You had a tough go of it and getting a break to catch your breath will go a long way....Wishing you some decent sunbreaks and better days....coop

[[Co...]]

I just wrote this very bleak post on my log. This thing seems bleak today. I'm having awful intrusive thoughts again after a break from all that. Depression and intrusive thoughts are the symptoms that rock me the most, make me feel crazy and broken. I never thought it would take this long. Never. I'm off to figure out how to get through the next few hours. How do we do this?

 

Peace2

 

......Peace, I am so sorry that you got hit like this. ...The intrusive bleak thoughts are so crushing. ...It has to be exhausting to try to work while slogging through thoughts with a life and will of thier own....MightyGirl....I am thinking of you and hoping this lifts soon. ...coop

[[Co...]]

Peace ... how are you getting on? ...

 

I am in the crapper again with the head stuff and general muscle stuff ... it just keeps coming and going ... sort of hoping it will get lost one day and not find its way back to me ...

 

Be Well ... 

.....Nova....damn! ....I don't want to hear this for you....Are your mornings holding together?....It is, as Marj so described this stinkin' process....a s***show......feel better dear friend....hoping tomorrow is a better day for you....coop

[[Co...]]

Hi, can I join this thread? I am 366 days out today & realizing I'll be in this much longer than a year. I've never joined any of the individual support groups so I'm not sure how this works? Is it ok if I am posting here? Thank you.

 

.....Angelprint.....Anyone can be here....this is a very supportive group of lovely caring buddies. You will find friends here to walk along with....I would not have made it through month 7 without this group....so jump on....no need to march through hell alone ....coop

[[dr...]]

Just checked in before bed to see how you were doing Coop.  Woohoo for you is what I say!

The happiness I get from seeing you really starting to live again is huge.

 

I had a migraine (without the aura). The headaches have really been beating me up.  I'm going to start taking butterbur and feverfew which they sell combined for migraine prevention.  Many people have had good luck without side effects.  I've been okay with a few targeted supps but I will start slow.  I've added back D, fish oil, C, and tryptophan and introduced them one at a time.  Each time no increase in symptoms.  Just the daily regular grind.  Onward. 

[[No...]]

Coop ... your post is balm to my tired eyes ...

 

An air show ... holy tilting wings woman ... just thinking about an air show sends me into a goofy tailspin ...

 

The energy you have sounds wonderful ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[No...]]

Drew ... yes ... onward ... 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... restful sleep seems to be at a premium for me these last few days ...

 

This head pressure and sinus stuff and boatiness is getting a little irritating ... oh well ...

 

Monday it is ... time for a walk before it heats up to where I do not feel comfortable outside ... 

[[Sk...]]

Hi 12-18 buddies....

....I have been off the thread for a couple of days....yed, Drew, living my life...I always hesitate about posting improvements because I know others are still in the thick of things....but I also know that when I am in the thick of things hearing the progress of others gives me encouragement and hope.

  .. I am continuing to feel steady healing. I posted some of the details in my progress journal...

    I think the encouragement that I want to hang on to and pass along is that my improvements seem to be following a similar pattern as HH and Jenny. Somewhere around 22-24  months ( give or take)....things shift . ..I am not sx free...and I don't think I am going to wake up some morning soon with miraculous 100% healed....but it is getting better every day in one way or another My baseline is holding at 80%-85%...This week my energy has picked up. I am still tired by 4pm but my energy up until then is so much better.

...My ex and I took our 3 grandsons to an air show yesterday. I didn't get any dread or anxiety or thoughts of sudden heart attack or stroke before going....a little nervousness that was consistent with my pre-benzo normal nervousness. ...There was noise ( huge noise), chaos, a million people...a long afternoon going all over the air field...tired hungry kids...I had one fleeting mild panic ( lasted about 15 seconds) and some head pressure that faded in and out throughout the afternoon....that was it...

....I honestly thought I would never ever be at this place. Four weeks ago I didn't think I would be here. I am holding my breath waiting for another wave to wash me out to sea but I am holding on. I think the biggest difference for me in the last few weeks is that I am getting come and go sx....as opposed to waves..

....I hope this encourages everyone who is feeling rolled over by waves right now. ....You really don't know when you will start feeling better....Wishing everyone sunbreaks and better days......coop

 

Coop, I am going to say this until I am blue in the face, your positive updates are always welcome !

 

This thread is a little like a friendship, through thick and thin, what kind of friends would not want to hear about your good times ?

 

Your good times give us fuel for this last sprint towards healing.

 

We don't only want to moan, here , even though apearances might be against us.

 

Nova, so glad to see you, sorry to hear things are quite bad for you.

 

I am in the thick of packing and moving things.

 

I actually do very little, compared to mr Sky. WHat I do do, is make things harder for him, by being in such anguish over every single thing and then, by being a little slow witted.

 

I get so scared if I think of all we have to do. Just looking at those boxes sends me in terror.

 

At night, I have been woken up during the night, by ugly, ugly intrusive thoughts, which risk to become nightmares.

 

I keep myself awake and guide my thoughts towards sweet and fluffy thoughts, but some nights it's hard.

 

I get a not in my stomach, just looking at the boxes with our stuff. It's benzo anxiety and it will pass. Probably the reason for my troubled sleep, too.

 

Wish I could be more helpful in all of this, but that's how it is for now.

 

Where is Beulah ? Hope you are ok girl, what are you cooking ?

 

Drew, thanks so much for taking the time to post your update from your log. It's a great post and captures more or less where we all are at, or have been until just recently. 

 

Everybody, heal on. We are almost there. 

[[...]]

Coop, I'm so extremely happy for you and you MUST post positively as it reminds us, encourages us. To hear that someone who has suffered so much is having a near normal day is wonderful. I so need it today as I feel like I have been in a wave forever. My anxiety is awful today and making my head foggy. I don't know if it's because I'm back at work tomorrow, however my week off has not been nice, apart from taking my daughter to the spa. Since then it's been awful. Maybe being back at work will help as I've managed it so far. I just wish these thoughts that are invading my brain telling me I'm never going to get better would just leave  :'( Much love to you Coop 

[[pe...]]

Coop! I'm so glad to hear that you're seeing the light. What a blessing! And please share, light is needed in the darkness.

 

Marj- I really feel your posts. This is hard hard stuff. 

 

I am on the brink of another school year and feel all my summer gains slipping away. I am falling into a depression because I simply can not do this work with any degree of ease. There is a degree of being on your toes required in the classroom and my brain is like lead. I can forgive myself this when I'm just tackling the dishes or folding laundry. I can feel helpful doing simple chores and at work I just am never on point and am wondering if I ever will be.  I understand that I'm officially protracted. It just feels like a life sentence.

 

My oldest son looked at me this morning and asked, as he does so often and with concern, "Are you sad?" Yes. I am and it's so hard to explain to him and to myself. It's just something my body does. This inexplicable sadness. It has to be a wave. I've noticed so many success stories mention starting an ad or a pain med. I wish that were an option, some magic solution. 

 

Stay with me friends. I'm gonna need you as much now in my 20th month as ever!

 

Peace2

[[Pu...]]

Coop, I'm so extremely happy for you and you MUST post positively as it reminds us, encourages us. To hear that someone who has suffered so much is having a near normal day is wonderful. I so need it today as I feel like I have been in a wave forever. My anxiety is awful today and making my head foggy. I don't know if it's because I'm back at work tomorrow, however my week off has not been nice, apart from taking my daughter to the spa. Since then it's been awful. Maybe being back at work will help as I've managed it so far. I just wish these thoughts that are invading my brain telling me I'm never going to get better would just leave  :'( Much love to you Coop 

 

My anxiety has been insane since yesterday. Waaaa!

[[...]]

Peace,

 

Firstly, you are not protracted. 18-24 months is the typical healing time and you have seen improvements which again is typical for this stage. You sound like me, a worrier and those worries are magnified so much in wd. We have a lot on our plate, kids, working through this and now you have the daunting task of returning to work after your summer break. Anyone is apprehensive about going back to work after some time off so we, especially you after all summer are in a spin about it. All the what ifs are ravaging our minds. I bet once you get back after some settling, you will see your improvements return. You can do this, just tell yourself what you have accomplished so far OMG, it is amazing. Like Coop says you are a Mighty Girl, you are an inspiration. I know the depression is the worst and it comes from the negative thoughts doubting ourselves constantly and then beating ourselves up for not being the 'superwomen' we used to be. Those thoughts are not us, they are trying to sabotage us, we can't help it at the moment and when they are gone, good riddance.  We are recovering and will make it. I write this for me too as I do all the self beating too. We will transform into better versions of ourselves. We can do it 

[[Sk...]]

Coop! I'm so glad to hear that you're seeing the light. What a blessing! And please share, light is needed in the darkness.

 

Marj- I really feel your posts. This is hard hard stuff. 

 

I am on the brink of another school year and feel all my summer gains slipping away. I am falling into a depression because I simply can not do this work with any degree of ease. There is a degree of being on your toes required in the classroom and my brain is like lead. I can forgive myself this when I'm just tackling the dishes or folding laundry. I can feel helpful doing simple chores and at work I just am never on point and am wondering if I ever will be.  I understand that I'm officially protracted. It just feels like a life sentence.

 

My oldest son looked at me this morning and asked, as he does so often and with concern, "Are you sad?" Yes. I am and it's so hard to explain to him and to myself. It's just something my body does. This inexplicable sadness. It has to be a wave. I've noticed so many success stories mention starting an ad or a pain med. I wish that were an option, some magic solution. 

 

Stay with me friends. I'm gonna need you as much now in my 20th month as ever!

 

Peace2

 

Peace, I am saying this only once.

 

YOU ARE NOT P-R-O-T-R-A-C-T-E-D !

 

Sorry for yelling, but I get upset when my buddies are upset. 

 

Look at Coop, she is almost healed.

 

You just have  a lot going on in your life at the moment. THis depression is chemical, it's not you.

 

You did this last year, and according to me, last year was so much harder. I wondered how you were going to do it, children are so fast and you really need to be on your toes with them.

 

But you did it.

 

Why should this year be any different ? It won't be easy, but somehow, you will manage and your son will be so proud of you when  you are healed.