12-18 month support

[[...]]

Hi everyone,

Just checking in, I'm still doing well.. I'm not 100%, but I'm more functional and I'm getting on with my life now despite some lingering sx. Mentally I'm in a much, much better place. My depression and negative thinking are gone, I'm feeling more social, I find myself feeling truly happy. I still have some physical stuff, but I feel now for me that I can now slowly start to use some supplements and try and get my body to work right again. Miss all of you, and want you all to know that it does get better! I'll be 2 years in September, and 6 months ago I thought I was getting worse, so remember things can change at any moment love, Jenny

 

 

I am reminding myself of Jenny constantly. I know she is not 100% but the fact that she felt worse 6 month ago gives me strength. I have just read Some of Jenny's journal and she reminds me of how I am now, when she felt worse. We all can be inspired by this when we feel so battle fatigued. My goodness the amount of stress I've had this last couple of weeks has wiped me out. Yesterday I was ready to give up, however I am going to try to dust myself down and move forward. God bless all you warriors 

[[...]]

Marj ... I am not an anatomist ... however ... 30 years of Tai Chi and Qigong practice has shown me that there are levels within levels within levels of stuff ...

 

And benzos are a comprehensive messer-upper of all our pathways ... regarding the side-effects of healing from benzo use, I gave up asking why many moons ago ... now, when I can, if I feel like it, I do try to follow the pathways of some of these side effects ... I cannot get "inside" and work on things yet, things are still too dynamic for me ... down the road I will be able to go back to many of the things I used to be able to do ...

 

About six years or so ago I had to stop all of my practice because the energy storms that erupted during practice were to much to handle and I had no one around here who had any idea of what I was experiencing and why these storms were occurring ...

 

It has only been in the last four or five months that I can even do a standing posture ... I can now do some low level stretching for short periods of time ... I cannot do any manipulation of stuff yet ... these practices are one of the gauges I use to know that I am getting better ... very slowly ...

 

I know my entire "nervous system" is constipated and bunged up, hence all of my musculature and all those connections are out of whack ... I am slowly working with my extremities, fingers, wrists, ankles, and knees ... staying religiously away from anything in the centre ... I do not want to experience any eruptions or short circuiting ... my body will let me know where I can go and when I can go there ...

 

In the meantime, this was a long-winded response to fascia ... 

 

 

Nova, I've heard Tai Chi is supposed to be really good, I know nothing of Qijong. I used to do yoga, however I too struggle with stiffness and balance so just gentle stretching and breathing is all I can manage. This disables us horribly in body and mind. Glad you can measure your progress though and see improvements 

[[pe...]]

I just wrote this very bleak post on my log. This thing seems bleak today. I'm having awful intrusive thoughts again after a break from all that. Depression and intrusive thoughts are the symptoms that rock me the most, make me feel crazy and broken. I never thought it would take this long. Never. I'm off to figure out how to get through the next few hours. How do we do this?

 

Peace2

[[...]]

Hi Peace,

 

It's horrible I know as I'm in the same boat. Crazy and broken, only temporarily. It's 3pm here and I've only just showered. Why am I saying it in that way? Ok, I've done well and showered and I'm going to do some weeding in my front garden or take a walk. Nothing to do but get through the day when it's like this. We're both in a wave and it stinks!! We are healing even though it doesn't feel like it. Keep your chin up 

[[Sk...]]

I just wrote this very bleak post on my log. This thing seems bleak today. I'm having awful intrusive thoughts again after a break from all that. Depression and intrusive thoughts are the symptoms that rock me the most, make me feel crazy and broken. I never thought it would take this long. Never. I'm off to figure out how to get through the next few hours. How do we do this?

 

Peace2

 

I am sorry you are feeling so bleak, it's taking us a long time. It's understandable, intrusive thoughts are A-W-F-U-L.

 

But  you are not broken or crazy, you are just coping with something huge and you are doing an amazing job.

 

Maybe if you don't think about getting through the next few hours, but just think about the next few minutes ? 

 

I was about to fall asleep when I got an intrusive that shook me awake and anguished me. So, I rushed here and I am doing this and that at my computer, in order to distract.

 

This is taking long, too long but we are really almost there, Peace !

[[pe...]]

Thank you, Marj. A shower and the garden sounds like a plan I might have to adopt for this day.  Thank you, Sky. The thoughts are awful. I take every sick news story i read and obsess over it, worrying i might do something terrible. Ive got to be so careful about what i see. Im sorry you're both having waves of symptoms as well. I am at once so grateful for my children and the push they give me and so sad that they have to live through this with me. It's hard to be back and forth with them. I feel like on better days I have to say,  "I'm better but don't get used to it."

 

I hope the day opens into better things for each of us. You both have such strength to reach out while walking through your own hard journey.

 

Peace2

 

[[BJ...]]

I appear to be coming out of this latest monster wave that's spanned more than two weeks, though I need more time to pass along with feeling a bit better to confirm.  I realize the dragon can return at any minute.  Breathing is returning to normal and the chest soreness is much improved, though I'd like it to get to the point where I'm not dwelling about it anymore.  That's hard to do.  I can only hope things keeping going in the current direction.

 

Be well, buddies.

[[No...]]

Good Evening ... getting slammed hard today ... nothing like it used to be, but physically rough ... guess maybe I am so used to this now that I just sort of shrug and make another pot of tea ...

 

Was out and about for three hours or so this morning ... and sitting on my duff the rest of the day ...

 

Feels mostly like a crazy kind of flu ... hot/cold ... lumpy throat ... crazy tinnitus ... gritty, runny eyes ... and generally just off kilter ...

 

Oh well ... it is what it is until it isn't ... 

[[No...]]

Peace ... sorry you are having a rough time ... you will get through this stretch just like all the other ones ...

 

Sky and Marj ... what can I say ... this sucks ... keep sledding ...

 

BJ ... good to hear things are lightening up for you ...

 

Everyone ... we just keep going ... good days and rough days ... 

[[He...]]

Hi Everyone,

Just stopping by and checking in.  Holy cow, there are PAGES and PAGES on this thread that I've missed....and many whom I don't recognize.  I hope you are all doing better and continuing to see improvement.  Nova, I saw that you are feeling under the weather today with the physical stuff.  Is it letting up any? 

Things are good with me, even though I've got some physical stuff going on the past couple of days.  It's nothing too bad....I thought I was fighting off a viral thing, but I'm also not sure if it's not actually somewhat of a wave.  I have aches and pains, a headache, a bit of boatiness. and my old friend the chest squeezes.  It's not surprising that I am dealing with some residual waviness now because Monday marks the start of the new school year.  My anxiety is up, though NO WHERE near as high as it has been in the past 5+ years.  It's nice to be looking forward to the new year without feeling panic!  The week before school started used to be so anxiety provoking to me!  It's still amazing to me that my anxiety is so much less than it was on Klonopin. 

 

I am excited to get this year started and watch my daughters play sports together!  My youngest is a freshman and my oldest is a senior.  A senior!  I have to admit that a few tears have already been shed.  I am so incredibly thankful that I am clear-minded and healthy for this special time.  Everything that I went through during withdrawal was worth it. 

 

Lots of love to you all! 

 

 

 

     

[[No...]]

HH ... good to hear from you ... and to hear that things keep improving ...

 

Stay in touch when you can ... it is reassuring to hear from those ahead of me ... 

[[pe...]]

Hi HH,

It's great to hear from you and wonderful to know you continue to do well and have so much to look forward to. I agree with nova, keep checking in with us. It's a blessing to have hope!

 

Enjoy those girls! A senior? That's amazing.

 

Peace2

[[...]]

Yes HH it is great to hear from you and that you are still doing well. Especially for us who are still suffering and can't see an end to this. Thanks for checking in.

 

 

I felt a bit better last night but back in it feeling just awful and don't know what to do with myself. Head pressure so bad having to lie down. I know that is not a good idea

[[Sk...]]

Hi Everyone,

Just stopping by and checking in.  Holy cow, there are PAGES and PAGES on this thread that I've missed....and many whom I don't recognize.  I hope you are all doing better and continuing to see improvement.  Nova, I saw that you are feeling under the weather today with the physical stuff.  Is it letting up any? 

Things are good with me, even though I've got some physical stuff going on the past couple of days.  It's nothing too bad....I thought I was fighting off a viral thing, but I'm also not sure if it's not actually somewhat of a wave.  I have aches and pains, a headache, a bit of boatiness. and my old friend the chest squeezes.  It's not surprising that I am dealing with some residual waviness now because Monday marks the start of the new school year.  My anxiety is up, though NO WHERE near as high as it has been in the past 5+ years.  It's nice to be looking forward to the new year without feeling panic!  The week before school started used to be so anxiety provoking to me!  It's still amazing to me that my anxiety is so much less than it was on Klonopin. 

 

I am excited to get this year started and watch my daughters play sports together!  My youngest is a freshman and my oldest is a senior.  A senior!  I have to admit that a few tears have already been shed.  I am so incredibly thankful that I am clear-minded and healthy for this special time.  Everything that I went through during withdrawal was worth it. 

 

Lots of love to you all! 

 

 

 

   

 

HH, it' s always great to get your updates, even if this time you are  feeling a little wavy.

 

BUt, it's good you posted it, so we know what to expect and how healing happens. And, even if you feel wavy, you do sound GREAT !

 

I am so happy that you will be able to follow your girls more this year, time does fly. Enjoy this year and enjoy the time with your girls.

[[Sk...]]

Yes HH it is great to hear from you and that you are still doing well. Especially for us who are still suffering and can't see an end to this. Thanks for checking in.

 

 

I felt a bit better last night but back in it feeling just awful and don't know what to do with myself. Head pressure so bad having to lie down. I know that is not a good idea

 

How do you mean lying down is not a good idea ?

 

Sorry things are so bad for you.

 

I turned 22 yesterday, but I was so busy, I wasn't really thinking about it too much. We had a pizza at a restaurant  to celebrate, our first in 22 months, so I am happy about that- despite today being super wavy.

 

Heal on, everybody !

[[dr...]]

Happy 22 sky!  What a way to celebrate. 

 

Hh-thanks for visiting.

  Coop-I pray that you ate out and about w effortless mind days.

 

 

I'm at 16 months today and here is my update on my blog for those of us who don't venture far...

 

Well...here I am and like so many others I thought I'd be way better by now. I look at this pragmatically that so many others felt the same way who have gone on to heal.  I don't doubt my healing as I can see many things from earlier withdrawal are gone or dramatically less. Unfortunately some new things came and the ones that remain are really tough. Obviously, with the thoughts of never healing(or at least me taking many years) I wonder what is me and what isn't. I know it's par for the course so nothing I can do but acknowledge these thoughts and live each day. 

 

Things that still ruin my days...

 

Headaches-one of my biggest symptoms. I get intense fast intensifying headaches that fade into a dull ache and boatiness all day.  On the plus side my visual auras migraines have not reared their ugly head for over a month.

 

Inability to handle stress-my biggest symptom!  I had this all along but it morphed into scalp pain and weird brain feelings when stimulated.  It gets me almost any time I have to have a conversation, on phones with clients, shopping, movie theaters, and meetings. It's very bothersome as where I used to get panic attacks I didn't get this weird head stuff.  Maybe since my panics are much less this is the next step in healing?  Regardless, it really effects my work.  On the plus side, it never happens w people I'm close with so I know it's stimulative anxiety.

 

Anxiety/panic-much less if not stimulated but basically if I become a monk I'd be almost healed.      I also get one or two days a week where I have that chemical anxiety feel that nothing helps. 

 

All in all at times I feel worse than ever and I think I might not be able to continue to work but I've made it this far so I'm not going to let the benzo lies make me worse. 

 

The one biggest thing I keep doing which  is to live in the moment. When I feel shitty I say I know it will be different in an hour.  When I have a bad day I try not to worry about how I will function in the future because I know that just is a waste of time. It changes so quickly.  When the time comes I'll handle the situation and day as I always do.

 

Lastly, while none of this is easy I have read that the 12-18 month period is especially hard.  We have seen in improvements but not enough to feel well.  We have been at this so long and we see others healing before us and read the horror of the protracted ahead.  We start doubting it's the drugs and think this is our life.  I'm looking forward to the healing that is in my future.

[[An...]]

Hi, can I join this thread? I am 366 days out today & realizing I'll be in this much longer than a year. I've never joined any of the individual support groups so I'm not sure how this works? Is it ok if I am posting here? Thank you.

[[...]]

Yes HH it is great to hear from you and that you are still doing well. Especially for us who are still suffering and can't see an end to this. Thanks for checking in.

 

 

I felt a bit better last night but back in it feeling just awful and don't know what to do with myself. Head pressure so bad having to lie down. I know that is not a good idea

 

How do you mean lying down is not a good idea ?

 

Sorry things are so bad for you.

 

I turned 22 yesterday, but I was so busy, I wasn't really thinking about it too much. We had a pizza at a restaurant  to celebrate, our first in 22 months, so I am happy about that- despite today being super wavy.

 

Heal on, everybody !

 

 

Sky, I mean for me, when I am in that mindset. I am so self critical in this wave that I knew lying down would make me worse. It's those horrible thoughts and my head is so foggy that I can't do much to distract and I end up getting in a state. In the end I just put my pumps on and walked for 2 hours. This wave has been such a challenge.

 

22 months  good for you. You are accomplishing so much and to be able to enjoy getting there. Keep going 

[[pe...]]

Drew- great post. I'm in the whether to work or not phase. After faking it for three years and letting the time pass, I realize there's no way to know when this ends and I'm tired.

 

Sky- congrats on 22 and pizza! We've waited so long to indulge in the little things.

 

Angel print- everyone is absolutely welcome and we even stay past the 18 month mark when we need to. Here's hoping you fly the coop way before month 18! But if not, we'll be here.

 

Hi Nova.

 

Peace2

[[...]]

Happy 22 sky!  What a way to celebrate. 

 

Hh-thanks for visiting.

  Coop-I pray that you ate out and about w effortless mind days.

 

 

I'm at 16 months today and here is my update on my blog for those of us who don't venture far...

 

Well...here I am and like so many others I thought I'd be way better by now. I look at this pragmatically that so many others felt the same way who have gone on to heal.  I don't doubt my healing as I can see many things from earlier withdrawal are gone or dramatically less. Unfortunately some new things came and the ones that remain are really tough. Obviously, with the thoughts of never healing(or at least me taking many years) I wonder what is me and what isn't. I know it's par for the course so nothing I can do but acknowledge these thoughts and live each day. 

 

Things that still ruin my days...

 

Headaches-one of my biggest symptoms. I get intense fast intensifying headaches that fade into a dull ache and boatiness all day.  On the plus side my visual auras migraines have not reared their ugly head for over a month.

 

Inability to handle stress-my biggest symptom!  I had this all along but it morphed into scalp pain and weird brain feelings when stimulated.  It gets me almost any time I have to have a conversation, on phones with clients, shopping, movie theaters, and meetings. It's very bothersome as where I used to get panic attacks I didn't get this weird head stuff.  Maybe since my panics are much less this is the next step in healing?  Regardless, it really effects my work.  On the plus side, it never happens w people I'm close with so I know it's stimulative anxiety.

 

Anxiety/panic-much less if not stimulated but basically if I become a monk I'd be almost healed.      I also get one or two days a week where I have that chemical anxiety feel that nothing helps. 

 

All in all at times I feel worse than ever and I think I might not be able to continue to work but I've made it this far so I'm not going to let the benzo lies make me worse. 

 

The one biggest thing I keep doing which  is to live in the moment. When I feel shitty I say I know it will be different in an hour.  When I have a bad day I try not to worry about how I will function in the future because I know that just is a waste of time. It changes so quickly.  When the time comes I'll handle the situation and day as I always do.

 

Lastly, while none of this is easy I have read that the 12-18 month period is especially hard.  We have seen in improvements but not enough to feel well.  We have been at this so long and we see others healing before us and read the horror of the protracted ahead. We start doubting it's the drugs and think this is our life.  I'm looking forward to the healing that is in my future.

 

 

Thanks for posting this Drew. 16 months done, never to be repeated. We are at similar stages and a lot of your update is very familiar. This is the hardest battle we or anyone has to undertake. Yes we feel weak and fragile but wow we are not beaten 

[[...]]

Hi, can I join this thread? I am 366 days out today & realizing I'll be in this much longer than a year. I've never joined any of the individual support groups so I'm not sure how this works? Is it ok if I am posting here? Thank you.

 

 

Welcome Angel, jump on board. Safety in numbers 

[[Te...]]

Hope everyone is having a great weekend...

 

Been researching anti inflammation diets....going to try really hard to follow this....going to hope giving up some more foods....may help me

 

The inflammation issue has me thinking....I guess.

 

Do any of you still battle with stiff muscles and stiff joints .....some days it's so bad....then other days it's not very noticeable ....but this weekend I feel like I'm in my 80 .......moving around in pain....ugh

 

You all have a great evening .........TM

[[Pu...]]

Is it ok if I join, too? I am almost 8 months out. I feel like an amateur compared to you brave souls! I just feel like my healing will take place between the 18-24 month mark. I'm hoping so!!!!!!!

[[No...]]

Angelprint and Puglover ... everyone is welcome here ... some of us have been around for a while ... a few of us have even been together for over a year and a half ...

 

Some have healed and moved on ... some are still waiting ...

 

Feel free to join in ... 

[[No...]]

Drew ... thanks for your update ... we just keep moving along ...