12-18 month support

[[Sk...]]

You are right, of course you are.

 

I just feel awful, afraid I am making further mistakes. Maybe some regrets, who knows what is actually going on inside my head ?

 

And moving stuff around the house ?

 

On the best of days, it terrifies me ! So, you can imagine now !

 

Good to hear somebody else feels the same way.

 

 

[[No...]]

Sky ... perhaps the only thing we can be sure is going on inside our heads is that we are healing ...

 

When that is over then it may be time to try to sort things out ... in the meantime ... we just keep moving on ...

 

Perhaps the regrets and the mistakes we feel we have made will not feel so large and overwhelming down the road ... 

[[BJ...]]

Checking in, I have seen minor improvement today in symptoms.  Hyperventilation is an ongoing problem I'm trying to fix through various breathing exercises.  I still have a ways to go until I'm out of this wave, but thankfully there's been some relief.  I'm exhausted.

[[No...]]

BJ ... good to hear you are getting some relief ...

 

Just a thought ... have you tried any herbal teas, particularly chamomile ... some folks find it helpful, I know I do ... and some folks cannot tolerate it ... just like most of the other stuff ...

 

Breathing exercises can be helpful ...

 

Hope you get out of this wave soon ... 

[[No...]]

Good Evening ... had a moderately miserable day ... lots of this contraction stuff going on ... breathing, chest, head and guts ...

 

Oh well ... another day in the books ... 

[[BJ...]]

BJ ... good to hear you are getting some relief ...

 

Just a thought ... have you tried any herbal teas, particularly chamomile ... some folks find it helpful, I know I do ... and some folks cannot tolerate it ... just like most of the other stuff ...

 

Breathing exercises can be helpful ...

 

Hope you get out of this wave soon ... 

 

Yes, the tea does definitely help.  Now I'm dealing with some lung inflammation and intercostal pain from the strained breathing.  I just have struggled to control the panic.  It's tough to work through this when the body is begging for mercy but I'm forced to push through circumstances beyond my control.  Chest wall pain stinks.  If I can just get take it easy tomorrow at work I'm hoping I'll be a lot better by Monday.  Many, many times I've endured hard periods in the past and made it through.  The hard part about this is pretending I'm fine around everybody when in reality I'm suffering.  When I make it through this I'm going to be so relieved.

 

Thanks for the support, Nova.  Take care of yourself.

[[No...]]

BJ ... one of our standby sayings ... "fake til we make it" ...

 

That kind of chest pain is horrible ... mine went away some months ago ... and never came back ...

 

Have a good day tomorrow ... 

[[Sk...]]

I thought yesterday I was in  a bad place, but today, I can see it's worse.

 

THey came and moved some stuff, took away quite a lot of furniture. I know it had to be done, but I am feeling bitchy and full of self pity, just the same !

 

My vibrations have gotten worse, guess it was the mild contribution I gave. Too much excitement and exercise ? Who knows.

 

The thread is so quiet, suppose it means people are feeling better and living their lives. High time, too ! 

[[No...]]

Good Morning, Sky ... sorry you are feeling grumpy ...

 

Moving ain't fun ... that is probably where this set of vibrations are coming from ... too much energy ...

 

I didn't sleep much ... the weather cooled off last night ... going for walk and see what is happening out there ... 

[[Sk...]]

Nova, hope the  walk helps you a little and gives you some relief.

[[...]]

Hi Sky,

 

Yes the thread is quiet and I wish I was doing better. I have been in a continuous wave for over a week and my last 2 days have been filled with so much stress too. Today I feel my sanity is in question and I have vibrations too. I understand where you are and its a horrible fragile place. Yesterday I walked about 5 miles with my daughter after much crying in the morning. The job thing with her worked out in the end as she was offered a different job. The damage has been done though and I need to recover from this. I cannot believe how I am reacting to things.

 

It must be a relief for you to have the move behind you. Feel better 

[[Sk...]]

Hi Sky,

 

Yes the thread is quiet and I wish I was doing better. I have been in a continuous wave for over a week and my last 2 days have been filled with so much stress too. Today I feel my sanity is in question and I have vibrations too. I understand where you are and its a horrible fragile place. Yesterday I walked about 5 miles with my daughter after much crying in the morning. The job thing with her worked out in the end as she was offered a different job. The damage has been done though and I need to recover from this. I cannot believe how I am reacting to things.

 

It must be a relief for you to have the move behind you. Feel better 

 

Marj, it will take a few days for your body to absorb the stress you have been through.  Sorry to hear you are going through this.

 

If it's of any comfort to you, events like these, will make you stronger when you heal when dealing with stressors in your life.

 

Glad to hear your daughter is getting a job  and the situation is solved. Even if you are paying a high price.

 

My moving is hardly behind me, I am still at the beginning,  so I guess I will be more or less in your situation for a while ! 

 

It's not you that is reacting to things, is your brain, a hurt brain, who is reacting to these events.

 

We have to both remind ourselves of this, otherwise we will feel too silly !

[[...]]

Hi Sky,

 

Yes the thread is quiet and I wish I was doing better. I have been in a continuous wave for over a week and my last 2 days have been filled with so much stress too. Today I feel my sanity is in question and I have vibrations too. I understand where you are and its a horrible fragile place. Yesterday I walked about 5 miles with my daughter after much crying in the morning. The job thing with her worked out in the end as she was offered a different job. The damage has been done though and I need to recover from this. I cannot believe how I am reacting to things.

 

It must be a relief for you to have the move behind you. Feel better 

 

Marj, it will take a few days for your body to absorb the stress you have been through.  Sorry to hear you are going through this.

 

If it's of any comfort to you, events like these, will make you stronger when you heal when dealing with stressors in your life.

 

Glad to hear your daughter is getting a job  and the situation is solved. Even if you are paying a high price.

 

My moving is hardly behind me, I am still at the beginning,  so I guess I will be more or less in your situation for a while ! 

 

It's not you that is reacting to things, is your brain, a hurt brain, who is reacting to these events.

 

We have to both remind ourselves of this, otherwise we will feel too silly !

 

 

Sky, those words mean so much and help me. Last night I felt a little better although exhausted hoping things would be better today, alas no and you are right it may take a while to settle. In the mean time so many tears.

 

You are doing amazing to move house in the midst of this. Your strength is admirable. I hope it goes as smoothly as possible 

[[Fr...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

Although I don't post much here at all anymore I do check on you all and am happy to see many of you have improved recently.

 

I am still very sick overall and don't have much to post.  Around 12 months out, some of the severe wd symptoms eased off and I had breaks where I really felt healing was happening between the hideous waves.  Lately, I get so few breaks and just hang on marking off the days of my life.  Each evening, I feel like, whew, I made it past another day.  I wish I could fast-forward my life to a better time.  The life I live right now is quite awful, spending most days in bed or working at my desk.  I am at 18 months but did take Elavil off and on for nerve pain until last October.  Baylissa says to begin counting once you're off everything, so if I count from there, I'm at 10 months out from all drugs.

 

I get extreme pain, extreme depression with feelings of wanting death, internal anxiety, head blaring, a cns that feels way overcharged, inability to exercise at all (yet I do feel energetic), a feeling like I can't take it anymore.  This goes on and on with only small reprieves.  I used to get really pure windows but they went away gradually in the last 6 months.

 

For support, I talk with my therapist who went through this herself over 10 years ago.  Every week, she tells me that everyone heals, everyone, even if it seems to take forever, and years.  She has never seen anyone not get well eventually.  I need to hear that because in between appointments, I do get despondent and lose all hope.  This degree of illness both mentally and physically is unfathomable.

 

I also started talking with Baylissa Fredericks for support once in a while and she says the same to me.  I joined Facebook to follow Baylissa's Facebook page called Bloom in Wellness for daily support.  Many people from here are also on FB groups.  Beating Benzos is KernowBeth's page that has encouraging posts if any of you wish to join.  Baylissa is on vacation while she moves, until September 1.  We all hope she will resume her page and counseling to help many of us who talk with her for support through this.  Kernowbeth was doing really well until a recent wave.  Her blog is called Beating Benzos and is quite informative and well written.

 

Did all of you read the news article about Luke Montagu winning a large lawsuit?  It is a well written article.  Yay to him for winning such a tough case.  Hopefully it will set a precedent for others to win too.

 

Cases here scare me.  I read margaretisabel's progress log and worry about her.  If anyone here prays, let's pray for her regularly.  She has been suffering for almost 44 months now with no relief.  I worry about how long one can go on and the ability to cope when not seeing any appreciable changes.

 

So that's why I remain quiet.  What is there to say?  We soldier on as best we can.

 

Keep healing everyone.  I'm so excited to see many of you feeling better.  According to all my resources we do all heal.  If anyone knows of people far out who have healed or who are at least feeling somewhat better but who don't report it here, I 'd love to hear about that.  I would be happy to just feel better even if not back to normal.

[[No...]]

Hi Lisa ... good to hear you are on a path through this stuff that is encouraging to you ...

 

And thank you for the reassurance from those you have contacted ... that means a lot to everyone here ...

 

We each deal with the experiences of this journey in our own way ... I am so glad to read your positive post ... 

[[pe...]]

Hi Lisa,

I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are. I'm so glad you stopped in and I'm sorry for your suffering.

I hear you. I am sitting in my classroom with a head full of cotton, a lump in my throat, fatigue that has me looking for a place to lie down and tears pushing behind my eyes. It is such a long journey and it's no wonder we breathe a little deeper at the end of another day.

 

I am glad, glad, glad you have a knowing therapist and that you've been able to talk with Baylissa. Those are great places to put your energy and I'm glad you've been getting to your desk.

 

We are all in this Lisa. You are not alone. If I use Baylissa's suggestion for starting the jump from when you're off all meds, I'm only 14 months out instead of 19. Gulp. That's kind of awful but something for me to keep in mind.

 

I hope you see bright spots soon. I'll be thinking of you and hope you'll keep stopping by from time to time.

 

Love,

Peace2

[[dr...]]

Hi peace and Lisa...I'm joining you right now.  At my work desk and getting hit with adrenaline and panics.  I went for a twenty minute walk to try and break the cycle and I stopped in a store and just was sweating and dizzy.  I know it is healing and rationally not worried but the chemical fear is terrible.  Just accepting it for what it is and know it will fade.  reading passages of healing and only time will help. 

 

LOl...my assistant came by and said she could tell I was having a bad morning.  She knows my tics which are clicking my jaw and clenching my fists...ugh

[[so...]]

I hope Baylissa is wrong about when you start counting the time off drugs.  My back was hurting so badly on Wednesday that I took a muscle relaxer.  Somebody please tell me I haven't just blown 10 months of suffering for one muscle relaxer!  I'm freaking out!

[[Si...]]

Hi peace and Lisa...I'm joining you right now.  At my work desk and getting hit with adrenaline and panics.  I went for a twenty minute walk to try and break the cycle and I stopped in a store and just was sweating and dizzy.  I know it is healing and rationally not worried but the chemical fear is terrible.  Just accepting it for what it is and know it will fade.  reading passages of healing and only time will help. 

 

LOl...my assistant came by and said she could tell I was having a bad morning.  She knows my tics which are clicking my jaw and clenching my fists...ugh

 

Sorry you're having the surges. I'm getting those off and on. Probably not nearly as bad as yours though. Oh yeah, I have the fist clinching too. I don't even notice it until my wife points it out.

 

Anyway, I've been feeling a little better this past week or so. 10 days straight of sleeping every night. Sleep still a little rocky and up and down. Depression down some and the head pressure has eased off a little. I'm hoping I'm on a new baseline now after the 6 week terrible wave that beat me into a pulp. Hoping I can maintain this status quo without going through another wave until I'm nearly 100%.  I should be hitting my 16 month mark very soon. Hope everyone else is rolling with the punches today.

[[Si...]]

I hope Baylissa is wrong about when you start counting the time off drugs.  My back was hurting so badly on Wednesday that I took a muscle relaxer.  Somebody please tell me I haven't just blown 10 months of suffering for one muscle relaxer!  I'm freaking out!

 

Hi sofa, you'll be fine with a one off dose of a muscle relaxer. I'm assuming you mean an opioid type of relaxer right? They don't affect GABA receptors anyway. I think Baylissa was really meaning people that are on steady prolonged doses of certain medications.

[[so...]]

Thank you, Siggy, so much for your reassurance.  I am crying uncontrollably right now, scared to death I've got to start over now from square one.  Occasionally, for family birthdays and such, I have had a couple of glasses of champagne.  Now I'm thinking, oh dear God, I've set myself back doing that too and have sentenced myself to years more of suffering like this!

 

This just can't be right.  I've already isolated myself from my family, participating rarely in occasional celebrations.  I've given my CNS a break from ingesting a steady stream of drugs.  I haven't touched a gabapentin since November 8, 2014.  That's the drug I thought was the cause of all this because I hit tolerance with it in February 2014.  I took Ativan on a PRN basis for 3 months, and I stopped both drugs on the same day.  The typical benzo withdrawal symptoms didn't happen to me, so I have no idea what drug I'm withdrawing from.

 

Thank you again, Siggy.  I am so distraught and scared to death right now.

[[dr...]]

sofa-that def did not put you back at square one. Please cry about something more worthwhile     I twasn't the champagne or anything else you did...it is just the crapshoot of this mess.  Very low doses can induce suffering just as long as someone like me on a higher dose for years.  One of the great mysteries.  Please...do not beat yourself up

 

Siggy-it was funny...I took a 1/2 unisom which is rare for me.  I woke up with by my alarm which is unheard of.  I remarked that I had no early morning surges or yucks that I usually get to a varying degree.  I think it may have been delayed from the unisom and came on later.  Regardless as it doesn't really matter as it is what it is.  The good thing was through the worst of the panic induced fear I kept walking and knowing that it wasn't really how I felt.  I kept my eye on the prize of it passing and not dwelling on it.  I am now productive at work and a diffferent persone than two0 hours ago. 

[[so...]]

Thank you, Drew.  You have calmed me down.

 

I've taken the doxy Unisom before and it worked like a charm, so well that I stopped taking it for fear of getting hooked on it to get some sleep.  This withdrawal journey has made me paranoid about everything!

 

You are so strong, working, fighting through and breathing through each and every day.  You are truly inspiring to me, especially in my whimpering moments.

[[dr...]]

  :smitten:  We all have those whimpering moments.  I also don't think I am any stronger or going through more suffering than anyone else on this thread.  this is an epic journey of suffering and eventual rebirth for all of us.  I am glad I can inspire you though.

[[Si...]]

Thank you, Siggy, so much for your reassurance.  I am crying uncontrollably right now, scared to death I've got to start over now from square one.  Occasionally, for family birthdays and such, I have had a couple of glasses of champagne.  Now I'm thinking, oh dear God, I've set myself back doing that too and have sentenced myself to years more of suffering like this!

 

This just can't be right.  I've already isolated myself from my family, participating rarely in occasional celebrations.  I've given my CNS a break from ingesting a steady stream of drugs.  I haven't touched a gabapentin since November 8, 2014.  That's the drug I thought was the cause of all this because I hit tolerance with it in February 2014.  I took Ativan on a PRN basis for 3 months, and I stopped both drugs on the same day.  The typical benzo withdrawal symptoms didn't happen to me, so I have no idea what drug I'm withdrawing from.

 

Thank you again, Siggy.  I am so distraught and scared to death right now.

 

You're welcome! I'll re-assure you again that you will be fine. You did not set yourself back to square one, I promise.