12-18 month support

[[mr...]]

sky

 

I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to miss a thing.  I know the best thing for me would be to keep a balance in my life, including lots of down time.  And yet I find myself pushing the limits constantly.  I just want to be ok and get to do normal things without consideration of the consequences.  But there are always consequences.

 

It's like I want to fly and even tho my cage has certainly gotten bigger, I'm still in a cage.  When things are going well I just want it continue forever.  But it can't and it doesn't.  I lost so much and I want to fill this amazingly big hole.  But I can't and it often feels like I never will. 

 

What a tricky place to be. 

 

WWWI

 

I like how you said that!

 

Mrs.

[[Wi...]]

sky

 

I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to miss a thing.  I know the best thing for me would be to keep a balance in my life, including lots of down time.  And yet I find myself pushing the limits constantly.  I just want to be ok and get to do normal things without consideration of the consequences.  But there are always consequences.

 

It's like I want to fly and even tho my cage has certainly gotten bigger, I'm still in a cage.  When things are going well I just want it continue forever.  But it can't and it doesn't.  I lost so much and I want to fill this amazingly big hole.  But I can't and it often feels like I never will. 

 

What a tricky place to be. 

 

WWWI

 

I like how you said that!

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

Fi-I just hang around threads I know I'm welcome. 

[[Gr...]]

FJ....yes, I think you are right...up until about 2 or 3 months ago family relationships.. or even any kind of surface social relationship just wasn't on the radar. Surviving day to day was all I could do and I was trapped and consumed by sx.

  ..Now things are better...I still have wavy anxious or physically painful days but somehow I can feel good healing underneath it. In months 4-12 I was just lost in it ...and my perceptions of my family relationships were totally skewed by my very real suffering.

....Yes, I have also had to take ' breaks' from a few social relationships. ...I hope things ease up with your mother. I honestly don't expect anyone to understand any of this except the people on this forum. I try not to take in anything that someone might say to me. I have learned to keep my conversations upbeat and neutral ( fake it until you make it kind of thing). I bring it to the forum and I fortunately have one friend who is supporting her husband through Depakote w/d so she totally gets it ...but even with her I lean gently because she can only take so much . Of course it's a different thing with spouses. In some was living by myself through this has been a good thing. I have been able to be completely focused on what I need to do to get through the day. I don't know how HH, Jenny and Peace do it with little children .

  ..You sound good FJ.. Thank goodness the expectations of Christmas are easing up.  Next year will be better yet...coop

 

Coop,

 

You sound great, again, my mirror image in symptoms.  Yes, I'm only now dealing with relationships.  Before this, like you, I was just trying to survive.  And living with my two boys is almost as good as living alone, they do their own thing, they're young guys.  Yes, I needed to be alone to deal with this, too.

 

Back to the church on Christmas eve.  Do you think you're just not that crazy about their church?  And the lack of tolerance for your faith?  Maybe you're reacting to a perceived intolerance of your faith, Buddhism?  Maybe that's a decision of self care, not putting yourself where you're not comfortable.  I'm doing that plenty. Liberating.

 

Glad to hear you're doing well.

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning ...

 

I have been alternating between effortless and weathering for several days. The intensity of cycling symptoms followed by periods of release leaves me with the feeling of being disconnected from my surroundings. The benzo lie of relapse is buzzing around like an annoying mosquito that I keep swatting at but missing.

 

The re-emergence of symptoms that have been dormant is unsettling for me and I am feeling my mental and physical stamina being drained. My experience of the non-linearity of my recovery disrupts my sense of coherence.

 

I am in a place of getting my daily chores done and doing a lot what I call just breathing. Going slow and self-calming are the order of my days.

 

Perhaps the long cold that is almost completely gone called on much of my physical resources for a while. No matter, my sense of innate well-being and steadfastness will see me through this stretch of feeling down. It always does.

 

I am reading your posts and holding your stories in my heart as best I can. This feeling of being disconnected disrupts my sense of focus and feels isolating.

 

An image that arrived a while ago is sustaining for me. Holding it in my imagination is soothing.

 

Many, many candles ... all different sizes and colors ... all of them lit and shining their healing light into the individual spaces where we live ... and although the candles are preciously unique ... the flame of each candle is the same ... the light that shows us the way and the warmth that soothes us on our journey ... this flame of life, it always has been, and always will be ... may it be so ...

 

And, this is the season of light ... we have experienced the lessening of light for the past many days ... now the light is growing stronger once again ... the ebb and flow of the seasons ...

 

No matter our circumstances in the moment ... we bless ourselves and each other with the flame of our candle ...

 

Be well ...

 

Michael

 

 

Michael,

 

What symptoms are you dealing with?

[[Gr...]]

Hi everybody, impossible to catch up with the thread so I will just post an update and try to take it from here.

 

Brutal moods swings but at least the depression does not stay long, when it's there it's hard though, hard for those around me. My anxiety too is hard to handle.

 

I want to do so much, I forget I am still quite sick. I get tired so easily, but I don't want to miss a thing, a walk, anything. I have missed so much in the last ten years, make it 20 !  But after the first hours before breafast I have not much enery left.

 

I tried to watch Iron Man 3, a couple of nights ago. Mr SKy said I loved Iron Man, but I can't remember. I could not understand a thing of it.

 

BUt yesterday, I watched " Saving Mr BAnks ". THis meant a lot to me. WHen I was in acute, some people I know were meeting up to see it together and I sort of dreamed of being able to do that, so this film reminded me of how far I have come. I enjoyed it, I even understood it !!

 

OK, so now I am going to take my doggy out for a walk. Hope you are all having a better time.

 

Sky, I don't know if you see it, but I do, the improvement.  The healing seems slow and barely perceptible, but it's happening.  You have come a very long way, baby!

 

I can't wait 'til you get home!  I know it shouldn't make a difference to me from here, lol, but it does.

 

Enjoy your holiday

[[He...]]

Buddies-- I may have to stop posting for awhile.  I thought I was doing my best to write encouraging and supportive posts to people and haven't really been asking for encouragement for myself since I'm starting to get well.  It's healing for me to feel that others are helped by what I have to say.  A couple of people on another thread started sniping at me today, though, when I suggested Cool seek a counsellor--something that helped me and also something I've previously suggested to others.  This reminds me of the mean girls in junior high and it's not good for me.  I still need to steer clear of stress and toxic people.  Please PM me if you want support.

 

FJ,

Please don't stop posting! Maybe just stay on "our" thread for a while? I rarely venture on the main boards for that very reason.

 

[[He...]]

Hi Buddies,

 

Just a quick report on a fun night. I went to the Blazers-Knicks game. It was loud and chaotic, and our seats were in the middle of a row....and I didn't freak out! Whoop!! I was rather worried because I was wavy today on our road trip. But I was OK!

 

This felt like a big test, and I passed. It'll be interesting how I sleep tonight. Hoping for lots of ZZZZZs!!

 

Love to you all. Praying for your healing.

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi, hope you all had a nice holiday.

 

I haven't been around as much.  Like Coop, I still have significant symptoms, but I feel  a lot better, so I'm trying to go and do while the going and doing is good. 

 

This is where I'm at.  Still have moderate cog fog, a little DP/DR.  Body aches.  But I can push this achy body into motion, and it goes.  I feel a little anxiety under the surface, followed by flushes.  nothing that pans out, no panic attacks.  sleep is crazy.  I'm up most of the night.  it's 3:30 a.m. now.  I'm not falling asleep until 5:30, 6 a.m.  then waking up somewhere between 11 and 1.  I'm not depressed, but certainly not light-hearted.  I feel heavy, my body, my mood. 

 

I read all the posts, I hope everyone starts feeling better soon.

[[No...]]

HH ... a pro basketball game ... are you kidding me? ... way to go ... and after a five car ride ... just reading your post gives me shivers ...

 

Hope you got some sleep and have a great time ...

 

[[No...]]

FJ ... I very, very, very seldom travel the big board ... sometimes I want to, and I just don't anymore ... for me, this thread and maybe a blog or two ...

 

[[No...]]

Green ... my light sensitivity and sound sensitivity have come back ... also lots of tummy turmoil ... startle reflex running very high ...

 

Yes, the heaviness ... feel like I am dragging myself around sometimes ... remarkably the tinnitus seems to be on holiday ... go figure ...

 

[[pe...]]

In some ways I feel like my healing is backwards. I've managed to push myself throughout this nightmare. I've worked and shown up at social things for my sons and family. But suddenly I don't have to show up, it's winterbreak. And all I want to do is lie in bed and feel sorry for myself because I can. It's really quite terrible as I can see how one becomes totally agoraphobic and removed from the world. But I kind of want to give into it. I wonder how long it would last, this falling away from the world. If we just get better as our brains heal over time, then eventually I'd be pulled to leave my bed and get on with my life, right. Ugh. This is all very depressing. It doesn't help that I heard from an old bb friend who is 16 months off and starting both a pain medication and an AD. Tough stuff.

 

Anyone have any sunshine or thoughts to help me out of this funk?

Thanks,

Peace2

[[He...]]

Hi, hope you all had a nice holiday.

 

I haven't been around as much.  Like Coop, I still have significant symptoms, but I feel  a lot better, so I'm trying to go and do while the going and doing is good. 

 

This is where I'm at.  Still have moderate cog fog, a little DP/DR.  Body aches.  But I can push this achy body into motion, and it goes.  I feel a little anxiety under the surface, followed by flushes.  nothing that pans out, no panic attacks.  sleep is crazy.  I'm up most of the night.  it's 3:30 a.m. now.  I'm not falling asleep until 5:30, 6 a.m.  then waking up somewhere between 11 and 1.  I'm not depressed, but certainly not light-hearted.  I feel heavy, my body, my mood. 

 

I read all the posts, I hope everyone starts feeling better soon.

 

Hi Sue,

I am so very glad to hear that you are getting our and doing more things! Such PROOF of healing.

 

I can relate to what you said about not feeling depressed, but "heavy".  That is a great description of how I feel when weathering my symptoms...emotionally heavy. A big part of mine, I realized yesterday while in the car, is caused by these horrible thoughts. What-if thoughts of something bad happening. I'm not sure how to turn them off, but they are weighing me down and feeding my anxiety.  I don't know, after typing that out, maybe I AM feeling some depression....but it's not deep and constant.

 

Has your sleep always been a challenge, or is this something new courtesy of withdrawal?

 

We ARE getting through this, my friend! Slowly, but surely, we are getting through this and will come out victorious on the other side.

 

Big hugs to you! 

HH

[[Sk...]]

In some ways I feel like my healing is backwards. I've managed to push myself throughout this nightmare. I've worked and shown up at social things for my sons and family. But suddenly I don't have to show up, it's winterbreak. And all I want to do is lie in bed and feel sorry for myself because I can. It's really quite terrible as I can see how one becomes totally agoraphobic and removed from the world. But I kind of want to give into it. I wonder how long it would last, this falling away from the world. If we just get better as our brains heal over time, then eventually I'd be pulled to leave my bed and get on with my life, right. Ugh. This is all very depressing. It doesn't help that I heard from an old bb friend who is 16 months off and starting both a pain medication and an AD. Tough stuff.

 

Anyone have any sunshine or thoughts to help me out of this funk?

Thanks,

Peace2

 

Peace, sorry, I don't think I have any sunshine. It is ok to feel tired and removed, just don't feel guilty about it. It's not your fault you feel this way at a time when everybody wants to gather and do things. If it reassures you, this feeling lifts magically.

 

You should be kinder on yourself, and by saying this to you, I am really saying it to me !!

 

When you heal, 100%, then you get to beat yourself up. Even then, it is debatable, but you know what I mean.

 

YOu have done so much, you have forced yourself out there  at work, in a job in which one is constantly under scrutiny. I know how hard what you did was and you went and did it all the same, because you had to.

 

So, make a deal with yourself, spend some alone time, feeling sorry for yourself, whatever,  then, when the time is up(  set the alarm clock! ) you go back to your family. It seems like a good compromise, I don't know if it's feasible for you.

 

A hug, and don't worry.  You are doing great and you will not be needing any medications for depression.

 

Take care,

 

Sky

 

[[pa...]]

Peace, I think another factor in your exhaustion with this process is that even though we are feeling better, our tolerance for the symptoms is less because it has been going on for far too long.  If this is a two year process for you, then you are already half way there, and the 2nd year will be easier than the first.  If you need to isolate for a bit and lick your wounds, then do it.  And don't feel guilty about it either.

[[be...]]

Buddies-- I may have to stop posting for awhile.  I thought I was doing my best to write encouraging and supportive posts to people and haven't really been asking for encouragement for myself since I'm starting to get well.  It's healing for me to feel that others are helped by what I have to say.  A couple of people on another thread started sniping at me today, though, when I suggested Cool seek a counsellor--something that helped me and also something I've previously suggested to others.  This reminds me of the mean girls in junior high and it's not good for me.  I still need to steer clear of stress and toxic people.  Please PM me if you want support.

 

Please don't let the toxic people here keep you from posting, toss them over your shoulder like a grain of salt.A lot of people here suffer with benzo rage, I had it at one time. We are all very sensitive at times and some remarks can be hurtful and hateful.

I get a lot from your posts as well as the others on this thread.

Hugs

 

 

[[He...]]

In some ways I feel like my healing is backwards. I've managed to push myself throughout this nightmare. I've worked and shown up at social things for my sons and family. But suddenly I don't have to show up, it's winterbreak. And all I want to do is lie in bed and feel sorry for myself because I can. It's really quite terrible as I can see how one becomes totally agoraphobic and removed from the world. But I kind of want to give into it. I wonder how long it would last, this falling away from the world. If we just get better as our brains heal over time, then eventually I'd be pulled to leave my bed and get on with my life, right. Ugh. This is all very depressing. It doesn't help that I heard from an old bb friend who is 16 months off and starting both a pain medication and an AD. Tough stuff.

 

Anyone have any sunshine or thoughts to help me out of this funk?

Thanks,

Peace2

 

Hi Peace,

 

First of all, BIG hugs to you!!

 

I think what you are feeling is normal. Normal for withdrawal and normal for grieving. BOTH of which take time to get through.

 

When I was a few weeks shy of hitting the year mark it was in June and school had been out about a week. I felt depression crashing down on me. I actually DID stay in bed for 2 days, much of it crying. I had thoughts of not being able to drag myself out, but I did, and you will, too. I think it's ok to allow yourself that time to shelter away from everything for a bit, but then I think it's equally, if not more important, to get back up and start going again. I think for those of us who can be prone to depression it's vital to be active and around people, at least that's how it is for me.  I hit a big, big wave around my year mark and I heard from many who had similar experiences. They suck tremendously, but we KNOW that waves pass.

 

You ARE getting better, Peace. It may not feel like it to you now, but it is very evident in your posts. You are incredibly strong and that strength is going to pull you through. The nice thing about this strength? It's ALWAYS there....even when you are feeling weak and scared.

 

You've got this. 

 

 

[[pe...]]

Well! You've all got me feeling the love. I will be rereading your posts today. Thank you for standing by me. It's a long journey and I'm so grateful not to be doing it alone!

 

Peace2

[[No...]]

Hi Peace ... having some alone time every now and then often helps me to re-connect ... sometimes a bit of time when I can just let go for a while ... we are all strong, determined and focused ... sometimes putting that aspect of ourselves aside and just going ahhhhhhhhhh for a while can be restorative ... I need to remember every time I breathe in and get another breath of stamina, I need to follow it with a breathing out and releasing ...

 

Be well ...

 

Michael

 

[[Gr...]]

Green ... my light sensitivity and sound sensitivity have come back ... also lots of tummy turmoil ... startle reflex running very high ...

 

Yes, the heaviness ... feel like I am dragging myself around sometimes ... remarkably the tinnitus seems to be on holiday ... go figure ...

 

 

Nova,

 

I swear we're doing the first year over, only way milder, but still packing a punch.  I'm right there with ya.  Lots of nausea last three days, I thought I was getting a 24 hour bug and then realized it was my old friend.  IBS sx came back.  I can only hope the 2 year thing holds, and if it doesn't, that the volume on third year sx will be so low I will be able to pay it no mind.

 

I just had a PM from EastCoast.  She's 26 or 27 months out, I think.  She's totally better, she's even sleeping 7 hours a night.  That's near and dear to my heart!

 

I try hard to be optimistic, but this heaviness, tiredness, is getting to me.  Feel better.

 

 

[[Gr...]]

In some ways I feel like my healing is backwards. I've managed to push myself throughout this nightmare. I've worked and shown up at social things for my sons and family. But suddenly I don't have to show up, it's winterbreak. And all I want to do is lie in bed and feel sorry for myself because I can. It's really quite terrible as I can see how one becomes totally agoraphobic and removed from the world. But I kind of want to give into it. I wonder how long it would last, this falling away from the world. If we just get better as our brains heal over time, then eventually I'd be pulled to leave my bed and get on with my life, right. Ugh. This is all very depressing. It doesn't help that I heard from an old bb friend who is 16 months off and starting both a pain medication and an AD. Tough stuff.

 

Anyone have any sunshine or thoughts to help me out of this funk?

Thanks,

Peace2

 

I looked at your signature, Jan 13 is a year.  Where you are now was my darkest hour.  When it lifted, a few days into the 13th month, I turned a corner, saw major healing.  I am a lot better than I was.  My level of function improved dramatically.  And it held.  There is still more healing in this second year, but it's doable.

 

As far as the pain meds, Coop, Jenny, me, we all have the pain.  There were a few kind of bad days, but then it mostly simmers down.  It's common in the second year.  If you haven't used pain meds or ADs by now, you won't need to in the second year.

 

Peace, the second year is a pain in the ass, we're annoyed we feel symptoms.  Like Sky said, she's ready to get up and go, but her body is holding her back.  But this is healing!  Even I know it. 

 

You've been through a lot.  Go slow, be gentle with yourself.

[[Gr...]]

Hi, hope you all had a nice holiday.

 

I haven't been around as much.  Like Coop, I still have significant symptoms, but I feel  a lot better, so I'm trying to go and do while the going and doing is good. 

 

This is where I'm at.  Still have moderate cog fog, a little DP/DR.  Body aches.  But I can push this achy body into motion, and it goes.  I feel a little anxiety under the surface, followed by flushes.  nothing that pans out, no panic attacks.  sleep is crazy.  I'm up most of the night.  it's 3:30 a.m. now.  I'm not falling asleep until 5:30, 6 a.m.  then waking up somewhere between 11 and 1.  I'm not depressed, but certainly not light-hearted.  I feel heavy, my body, my mood. 

 

I read all the posts, I hope everyone starts feeling better soon.

 

Hi Sue,

I am so very glad to hear that you are getting our and doing more things! Such PROOF of healing.

 

I can relate to what you said about not feeling depressed, but "heavy".  That is a great description of how I feel when weathering my symptoms...emotionally heavy. A big part of mine, I realized yesterday while in the car, is caused by these horrible thoughts. What-if thoughts of something bad happening. I'm not sure how to turn them off, but they are weighing me down and feeding my anxiety.  I don't know, after typing that out, maybe I AM feeling some depression....but it's not deep and constant.

 

Has your sleep always been a challenge, or is this something new courtesy of withdrawal?

 

We ARE getting through this, my friend! Slowly, but surely, we are getting through this and will come out victorious on the other side.

 

Big hugs to you! 

HH

 

HH,

 

I don't remember if sleep was a problem before.  I started antidepressants, then had problems sleeping, then the Xanax.  that was a long time ago.  Who knows now, lol.  I had a PM from EastCoast, though, saying she now sleeps 7 hours, so I'm encouraged.  Also, I am getting 5-6 hours, except in waves, just have days and nights mixed up.

 

I think you're doing really well.  You tackle withdrawal, you don't want to let it slow you down, steal your life, and mostly you've been successful, you've held onto your life and activities.  Which is very good.  I just now have started to push.  And sometimes there's a price, I feel the stress, more symptoms.  I still think it's better to go out there and live, but we do pay a price for overdoing it.  I don't think it retards healing, though, I think we just feel it.  I do, but it's worth it, we have to live.

 

You're not protracted, you're fine, we all are.  It's just time.

[[je...]]

Hi peace,

Everything you are experiencing sounds like normal w/d stuff to me. I think at one time or another we have all felt that way. I'm having a hard time this week as well, having the kids around with all this lack of structure and boredom is not good for me. I need my normal everyday routine... I have noticed sooo many BB who I thought had go on to heal have actually reinstated benzos or some other psych drug. It's so sad that these people haven't been able to stay off everything, they will probably be sick and on pills for life. We should all be proud of ourselves. Jenny

[[pe...]]

So much I want to respond to. But I'm supposed to be sleeping. I have a raging sinus infection, which has been the least of my problems but it's ramping up. Both my husband and I are Leary of me taking anything including antibiotics. So he's got me drinking warm apple cider vinegar with honey (yuck) and using the neti pot every 4 hours. I hope it works. Is my fear of antibiotics reasonable? I'm going to try these remedies until Wednesday.

 

Jenny- we should he proud of ourselves for sticking it out. I think it's a tremendous help to have each other for clarity and encouragement. My family is also overwhelmingly opposed to my taking meds at this point and that helps keep me on the path.

 

Green- thank you. Thanks for sharing your message from easy coast. That's the good stuff, the messages from the other side. I'm so lucky to have all of you a bit ahead of me, shining the light. Really hoping everyone's second year is a cakewalk compared to the first.

 

To everyone else, I feel positively held by your words today. Thank you for that.

 

Off to try to sleep away my sinus infection....

Peace2