12-18 month support

[[Gr...]]

Hi everyone, I've been busy so haven't been on much. Slept just ok last night. 5 hours, but that's much better than none. I was glad too because we had a road race today that was for lung cancer. One of our friends was diagnosed with stage 4 last year. He has been having targeted genetic treatment, which had been working good for him. He's not out of the woods yet. It's also what ultimately lead to my step-dad's passing. I walked most of the 5k. I actually took a 15 minute nap when I got home I was so tired. Which I think is the first nap I've had in 5 months.

 

Last night we went to see my nephew play in the band for his school's first football game. They traveled for 3-½ hours for the game. The band performed really well. My head pressure was really jacked up and had the jitters. I'm glad we went though and my sister's son I know was glad to see us. Now I'm at home and a bit depressed. Oh well, I'll have to just keep on trucking. Maybe a movie and some snuggle time with the wife later will help. Hope everyone is having a nice (as possible) Saturday.

 

Sig, even though you don't feel like a million bucks, you're doing the next best thing, showing up for life when you can and acting as if when you can, holding on to all of those family and friend relationships.  I applaud, you, dude.  That's the best we can do in withdrawal.

 

BTW, what is targeted genetic treatment?  Sounds fascinating.

 

You, too, Marj, that's how you prevent benzo withdrawal from stealing your life, make that chili, one foot in front of the other.  you do what you can as best you can, and the wisdom to know when you can't

[[Gr...]]

FYI ...

 

Got hold of a copy of Whitaker's new book ... "Psychiatry Under The Influence" ... read half of it this morning ...

 

Clear ... easy to read ... and direct ...

 

I'm going to download that.  I read the first one.

 

PS  I was listening to Bloomberg Business News on the car radio, (cog has returned!) and they were discussing the new women's Viagra drug that was approved  OMG, if you want the bottom line on medication, listen to the business news.  These guys were openly discussing the black box warning side effects, how many and how bad they were, the fact that only one person over the sugar placebo group achieved her goal!, during clinical trials, and how many times the FDA had rejected the drug, and how the company had employed lobbyists, etc., and just kept at it.  I was shocked.  I'm always shocked.  Keep your ears open, listen and learn, people are talking,

[[Co...]]

Thank you Coop for your never ending support and encouragement. It is great you are seeing such progress and I understand your relief at being diagnosed with a hernia. Crazy I know, however going through wd, anything else is easy, maybe?

 

Cannot believe the topic that has been discussed. it is so relevant to me right now as I made plans for a friend and her family to come over for something to eat tonight. I did this while having a 'sunbreak' in the week and now I am wondering how I am going to make the chilli as my fatigue is worse than ever and last night I cried so many tears as I don't feel like I've made any progress, infact in some ways I feel worse. I seemed to manage more at the beginning of the year; I started a new job then!!!!  The last 2 days my moods have been swinging all over, you know the type that make you feel like you are going crazy and convinced you have some degenerative stuff going on. Oh and I also made plans to go to a spa on tuesday with my daughter. Even that's freaking me out!!!! I'm not handling this very well at the moment, just want a bit of my life back    So grateful for this place 

 

.....Marj.  that happened to me so many times..  I would get a window, or just a better day and make a plan with someone because I just felt so good and planning something in the near future just seemed so normal....and fun.....and then the planned day would come and I would be full of anxiety and dread and sx. I begged out of so many events with friends and family that I am lucky I have any friends left. .  This is so very common in w/d. You are right in that 15-18 month time frame. That was a hard time for me, I was feeling better but not reliably. I would feel kind of ok on one day, in acute the next and catch a window 2 days down the road, but be back in acute for a week. It was so so hard .I was so grateful for some better days but crazed by the unpredictability of it. In some ways year one was simpler... I just figured I was going to feel lousy most of the time....and I did ...with the random goid day. Year 2 cane along and 8 was getting a few more windows and goid days but nothing I could count on. ....Give it a few more months .  For me the crazy up and down and all around started to smooth out somewhat in months 20/21.  At a little more than 21.5 I can at least pretty much count on decent afternoons. The mornings can still be up and down.

    Whine and carry on all that you need to.  .that's what the thread is for. I finally just gave up planning anything for awhile and just tried to do some fun things when a good day presented itself....and I went easy...a few hours of something at a time as very often the following day would be one of fatigue and moderate sx. I fell into a ' good day/bad day ' pattern that is just now beginning to be more like 2 good days...or even 3 good days and then a day with some sx.

.    .You are going to make it through Marj.  You are holding it together really well.  It gets better after month 18.....sending love to you .....coop

[[Co...]]

Morning all,

A nice cool morning here and I got out early to the farmers market. I got lots and lots of apples.

I spending the day with my daughter making applesauce and apple butter..maybe a few apple pies.

 

My symptoms are low for now, still have the leg issues but the nerve pain is better. Last night I had a mini panic attack. I think I've been over doing it a little and just need a " sit on the couch day".

Our fall weather is approaching and I feel the need to get out and enjoy what warm days we have left.

I'm sooooooo not looking forward to winter!!!!  The farmers almanac predicted another bad winter here..but our weather man said it will be a mild winter...hmm...we'll see.

 

Ok, enough rambling. Hope you all have the best day you can.

 

.....Beulah.  applebutter... yum.  picking apples...so much fun. I love applebutter on English muffins.. I love Fall too. We go to the Orchard every year and pick apples and pumpkins with my grandsons.. It is great to see you on this morning. Sorry you are having the leg stuff going on. Seems like we just get these few last sx that won't give up... I also had a mini panic yesterday just sitting here with my daughter. There was some random commercial on tv for a stroke medication and just the word 'stroke' seemed to trigger it. It only lasted a few minutes and I knew exactly what it was and was able to just breathe right through it. It startled me though because it has been at least 6 weeks since I have had even a mini panic. It's amazing how they don't scare me so much any more. They are still not fun but I know they will pass within minutes. ....We are getting so much better at looking benzo right in the face and not being scared to death.  .Hope your day was a very good one with big warm gooey drippy slices of apple pie.  Love to you friend. .  coop

[[Co...]]

Hi everyone, I've been busy so haven't been on much. Slept just ok last night. 5 hours, but that's much better than none. I was glad too because we had a road race today that was for lung cancer. One of our friends was diagnosed with stage 4 last year. He has been having targeted genetic treatment, which had been working good for him. He's not out of the woods yet. It's also what ultimately lead to my step-dad's passing. I walked most of the 5k. I actually took a 15 minute nap when I got home I was so tired. Which I think is the first nap I've had in 5 months.

 

Last night we went to see my nephew play in the band for his school's first football game. They traveled for 3-½ hours for the game. The band performed really well. My head pressure was really jacked up and had the jitters. I'm glad we went though and my sister's son I know was glad to see us. Now I'm at home and a bit depressed. Oh well, I'll have to just keep on trucking. Maybe a movie and some snuggle time with the wife later will help. Hope everyone is having a nice (as possible) Saturday.

.....Siggy....you are doing really good for 13 (?) months.  You did a lot. .. There is no way I could have participated in a 5k run at 13 months...even from the non-running sidelines.  I am so glad that you have a supportive spouse to settle in with and shift gears to slow and low for a bit....carry on buddy, you are making good progress....hope your sleep continues to be at least good enough if not the 8/9 hours we are all hoping for......coop

[[Co...]]

Green-sorry you lost your mother so young.  (Now that I'm 64, 60 seems frightfully young!)  It seems like people who lose their parents relatively young get one kind of grief--those who wind up  seeing them into old age face a different challenge.

 

losing a parent deeply impacts us whenever it happens.

 

.....

Green....so true. My mother died at 63...she was in chemo treatment and had a brain hemorrhage....I would give anything to have her back. I would do anything to sit and have coffee with her.  Seems like she was robbed of 30 years of life.  So sorry that you lost your mom too...thinking of you sx buddy.....coop

[[Co...]]

Green ... I feel this "getting ahead of ourselves" is not all a goofy thing ... as well as accepting what is in the moment we also need to look forward ... I think they call it hope ... that old donkey covered many miles walking towards that carrot ...

 

And hope can often carry some disappointment ...

 

You, and all of us, are doing the best we can with what we have ... and in addition to all our rants, and tantrums, and banging about, we are doing this with a lot of grace and compassion ... towards ourselves and others ...

 

A blessing from the wisdom traditions reminds us that we are the ones we have been waiting for ... and, we will dance again ... in the sunshine and the rain ... 

 

Nova, right now hope is on a collision course with acceptance!  They are not getting along well at all!

 

You're right though, withdrawal has made me kinder and more compassionate not only to others, but to myself, more than ever in my life. 

I'm not ready to give up the tantrum right now though

Let's hope for sleep.

 

......." slow down girl..  ya move too fast..  Dadee dadeee dadee.....".....jk......I don't blame you. I can feel your frustration at wanting to get on that bike ...go on that hike.  go on that travel.  I know you are going to get there Green. If these last damn one or two sx would just give it up. I can feel healing right in my grasp ....and then find myself sidelined on the bed nearly everyday by 4pm.  but it used to be by noon everyday last sumner....or not even getting out of bed at all in months 4-8.  ...I am only doing half of what I want to, but I feel the rest  becoming possible. I feel like the first grader who can't stand it that she is not in 4th grade like her sister....and trying to keep up.... Green.. We are going to get ALL of our life back, not just part of it.....a little more time.  We still have 8 (?) weeks to go to month 24.  That's a lot in w/d time.  I knew you were hell bent and determined when you started going to the shows months ago when I was still calling it a touchdown if I got the dog out.    If you are awake still at 330 am my light will most likely be on..  .coop

[[Co...]]

Just an update..  My baseline seems to be holding at that 80%- 85% with some 90%  sunbreaks and a few windows thrown in. I can pretty much do all the easy stuff that I want to even with mild to moderate sx. Going shopping, visiting friends ( still not too long.  An hour to hour an a half, but I was never a long visitor), going to a movie, .  I can now read a book for hours ( last summer I couldn't concentrate for a book.. actually 3 months ago I still couldn't concentrate enough for a book), cooking ( nothing like Nova, Beulah and Drew), puttering around, going for walks with the dog, adjusting to a reflux diet, having conversations without d/r and dread.  Most of this is reliable now. I still have a random benzo flu day maybe as often as once a week, but I just go as low and slow as needed to endure it until it lifts. My mental is good  and positive ... except for when the health fear hits, then all bets are off and I am back in acute, but those health fear attacks are getting spaced out further and not lasting as long. Getting my gi sx checked out and finding only hernias went a long ways in letting go of some of the anxiety about " it must be something really really wrong" 

...I feel the healing so much more than I did just 3 months ago. Still a ways to go I know...but unless things go to hell again I am good with this ' almost there' place

.....I am so grateful for the support and friendship of every single one of you.  Wishing everyone a good and peaceful night....Siggy and Green, sending you wishes for sleep....coop

[[Fi...]]

My mother is a survivor.  She nearly died in a car accident at age fifty.  Ended up in the hospital for the better part of a year and my husband I devoted that entire year (the second year of our marriage) to her, driving an hour to visit her every day and later, when she was transferred to Portland, going the two-hour distance three times a week.  Later she survived the sinking of a boat in the Galapagos where five other people drowned.  I will never forget the phone call from Ecuador.

 

This morning started out great for me as I did my biking while reading Fran's recommended book, "Spark."  Then I jumped on the trampoline in the backyard listening to Jesse Colin Young, music from forty years ago that we were listening to at the time we got married--makes me feel young! Then backyard yoga.  Really on a roll.  Next I got into my work clothes, had my iPod set to Bonnie

Raitt and was going to try to catch up in the garden.  Honestly, the sun felt so good on my back and I just felt GREAT to be myself again.  I thought I wouldn't have any further trouble at all as long as I could just be allowed to mind my own business and not be put in stressful situations.  I'd forgotten one set of clippers so went back in the house. 

 

The phone was ringing.  It was my mother, calling from the emergency room.  She'd fallen in the parking lot at the store while buying party supplies and ripped her leg open again.  But, good news!  The paramedics were all so nice and really goodlooking! So now it was Plan B.  Picked up un-bloodied clothes at her apartment and delivered them, retrieved her groceries from the store and took them back to her apartment, went back to collect her and get her home again, picking up her antibiotics,  probiotics to counter those, and of course the Kentucky Fried Chicken for the party she's throwing tonight with her next door neighbour, a charming guy my age.  She is bummed that her hip surgery may have to be postponed but cheered that the party tonight will go on!

 

She is a great role model for keeping on keeping on, but I have thought many times lately that she will outlive me.  I was glad I felt good enough to run around and do these things to take care of her, not be the weak link in the family chain, but I would still like a little more time to get to 100% and catch up on my own life a little bit.

 

As my mom raved about how nice everybody was to her I tried to stuff down the feelings that this produces.  I mean, I think this is one of my PTSD buttons.  Because I can't help thinking how we have to go through withdrawal with very little kindness.  Almost all I had from doctors was suspicion.  How would it feel to be picked up on the pavement and immediately start having people cast aspersions on you for letting this happen?  What if people were downright mean about it?  Well, these are the thoughts I have to get over as I re-enter.  We got what we got, and I can only hope that once we're all fully healed, these things will have no power to set us off. 

 

So today was a good argument for only counting on living one day at a time, even WITHOUT WD.

 

Now we are socked in with forest fire smoke from up your way, Coop.  Is it blowing toward Spokane?  It has never been this bad in my lifetime and I was born here.

 

Life is always interesting.

[[Si...]]

Green, I'm not exactly sure how the targeted genetic treatment works. I just know they do genetic testing to see what targeted therapy my be best for that individual patient. His hospital group is at Emory here in Atlanta.

 

Thanks Coop as always. I'm nearing my 16 month mark. Hoping j sleep tonight too (as I am most nights). It does help to get out and about to keep my mind off all the craziness. Hoping everyone else has a smooth evening.

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... another night of this thick, heavy humidity and heat ... pardon the pun but not cool ... no walk this morning ... found the atmosphere almost oppressive ... and it seems it is contributing to some edema and joint pain for me ...

 

Did an upper body workout - made a loaf of bread ... 

[[Si...]]

Hi Nova sorry for the rough morning. Enjoy your bread. It's Waffles & Bacon for breakfast here. Slept about 6-½ hours last night. It's been raining hard here this morning. Cats crying to go on the patio and they can't understand how we can't turn the rain off for them. 

[[Co...]]

Nova, sounds like New Jersey in the summer....really wears on you...oppressive....perfect word for it...When I lived in Princeton , in the summers I would sweat while taking a shower. People lived inside with ac..  Sleep was very iffy. ..Sorry you are slogging through suffocating heat. ...My state is burning to the ground....fires everywhere. Where I live the smoke is so thick it seeps through closed up doors and windows. Today we can see the sky and the worst fire in my area is 35 miles away.....astonishing really.

. ...Upper body workout...me too, setting up the coffee maker.  .for my one tablespoon of decaf in a full mug of frothed milk. That's what my belly will handle and I am thankful for that.

.  .Nova, I hope you get the biggest thunder storm that pours cold cold rain. .....and some sunbreaks.  ..coop

[[Co...]]

Sig..  you are still sounding good.  16 months out and waffles and bacon ....a good way to have a Sunday...enjoy. Glad you had some decent sleep......sounds like healing..  coop

[[Sk...]]

Just an update..  My baseline seems to be holding at that 80%- 85% with some 90%  sunbreaks and a few windows thrown in. I can pretty much do all the easy stuff that I want to even with mild to moderate sx. Going shopping, visiting friends ( still not too long.  An hour to hour an a half, but I was never a long visitor), going to a movie, .  I can now read a book for hours ( last summer I couldn't concentrate for a book.. actually 3 months ago I still couldn't concentrate enough for a book), cooking ( nothing like Nova, Beulah and Drew), puttering around, going for walks with the dog, adjusting to a reflux diet, having conversations without d/r and dread.  Most of this is reliable now. I still have a random benzo flu day maybe as often as once a week, but I just go as low and slow as needed to endure it until it lifts. My mental is good  and positive ... except for when the health fear hits, then all bets are off and I am back in acute, but those health fear attacks are getting spaced out further and not lasting as long. Getting my gi sx checked out and finding only hernias went a long ways in letting go of some of the anxiety about " it must be something really really wrong" 

...I feel the healing so much more than I did just 3 months ago. Still a ways to go I know...but unless things go to hell again I am good with this ' almost there' place

.....I am so grateful for the support and friendship of every single one of you.  Wishing everyone a good and peaceful night....Siggy and Green, sending you wishes for sleep....coop

 

Coop, sounds like a great baseline to be having.

 

I still can't read books, so that is something I am really looking forward to.

[[Fi...]]

Coop--did you mean to say you CAN'T see the sky?  I'm guessing that's the case.  Here, the sun is rising day-glo orange through the smoke.  I've lived here all my life and never seen it like this.  One of my books was about the Tillamook Burn of 1933, so I did a lot of research about forest fires.  I think what we've got going on now is probably historic in terms of the most wildfire acreage burning at the same time.

 

I could get a bit panicky at not being able to take a big, deep breath.  I felt that way the one time I was in Massachusetts during a muggy summer heatwave. The idea that it wouldn't even be cooling down at night was just frightening.  And I've stood on the beach in LA, just appalled that you could face west and not be hit by a blast of fresh ocean air.  Guess I am just a lifelong Girl of the Golden West who is very much accustomed to my fresh air!

 

The wind is supposed to shift this afternoon and blow this away.  Hope that's the case.  No yoga outside in the morning light today!

[[Co...]]

Sky, ...you will soon be reading....my concentration improved only over the last three months and that was gradual and unpredictable. You are making big improvements.  I don't think I could travel about like you do....So glad to hear that you are enjoying some food treats....We are so very clise. For me, I think it will continue to be gradual. I am thinking that next summer will be mine....all mine ..  Thinking of you Sky and your day on the beach ....many more are coming your way.  ..coop

[[Co...]]

FJ, ....yes , for 2 days we literally could not see the sky. The sun was an eerie red ball behind a thick yellow smoke filled sky. I could feel the smoke on my skin and in my throat....inside. Due to winds and the locations of the fires Spokane got all the smoke drift from all directions. We were told to stay inside ....everyone , as the danger rating was reaching the 400.  Flakes of ash fell .  Very reminiscent of Mt. ST. Helens.  Today the sky is back....Fortunately for me, my son who is a firefighter was retained in our city for supervising and coordinating services so he was not called out for ground fire..  ....coop

[[Fi...]]

Coop--glad your son is parked closer to home.  We kind of fear for all the volunteers who are going to be out there now.  It's terribly dangerous work and there are going to be accidents if people don't know what they're doing.  Sounds like our smoke way down here is not as intense as what you've got going on.  Hey, how about some rain?  That would be nice!  No happening, though.

[[Gr...]]

Green-sorry you lost your mother so young.  (Now that I'm 64, 60 seems frightfully young!)  It seems like people who lose their parents relatively young get one kind of grief--those who wind up  seeing them into old age face a different challenge.

 

losing a parent deeply impacts us whenever it happens.

 

.....

Green....so true. My mother died at 63...she was in chemo treatment and had a brain hemorrhage....I would give anything to have her back. I would do anything to sit and have coffee with her.  Seems like she was robbed of 30 years of life.  So sorry that you lost your mom too...thinking of you sx buddy.....coop

Coop, you are so right, I've missed my mom terribly, particularly throughout this ordeal.  And now when I'm near the age she died, yes, it seems terribly young, that she was robbed.  Thinking of you, too, Coop

[[Gr...]]

Green ... I feel this "getting ahead of ourselves" is not all a goofy thing ... as well as accepting what is in the moment we also need to look forward ... I think they call it hope ... that old donkey covered many miles walking towards that carrot ...

 

And hope can often carry some disappointment ...

 

You, and all of us, are doing the best we can with what we have ... and in addition to all our rants, and tantrums, and banging about, we are doing this with a lot of grace and compassion ... towards ourselves and others ...

 

A blessing from the wisdom traditions reminds us that we are the ones we have been waiting for ... and, we will dance again ... in the sunshine and the rain ... 

 

Nova, right now hope is on a collision course with acceptance!  They are not getting along well at all!

 

You're right though, withdrawal has made me kinder and more compassionate not only to others, but to myself, more than ever in my life. 

I'm not ready to give up the tantrum right now though

Let's hope for sleep.

 

......." slow down girl..  ya move too fast..  Dadee dadeee dadee.....".....jk......I don't blame you. I can feel your frustration at wanting to get on that bike ...go on that hike.  go on that travel.  I know you are going to get there Green. If these last damn one or two sx would just give it up. I can feel healing right in my grasp ....and then find myself sidelined on the bed nearly everyday by 4pm.  but it used to be by noon everyday last sumner....or not even getting out of bed at all in months 4-8.  ...I am only doing half of what I want to, but I feel the rest  becoming possible. I feel like the first grader who can't stand it that she is not in 4th grade like her sister....and trying to keep up.... Green.. We are going to get ALL of our life back, not just part of it.....a little more time.  We still have 8 (?) weeks to go to month 24.  That's a lot in w/d time.  I knew you were hell bent and determined when you started going to the shows months ago when I was still calling it a touchdown if I got the dog out.    If you are awake still at 330 am my light will most likely be on..  .coop

 

Coop, is that "Feelin' Groovy" up there?  Coop, you hit it on the head, an impatience, frustration at being so close but not there yet.  but so tantalizingly close

I got over my insanity on sleeping at night.  I looked up my progress log and realized it was only for a week, falling off at 8 a.m.  Before that it was 4 a.m., which is true for so many on BB.  I just lost my mind for a little while.  I'm back on track, low and slow now.

 

Hope you're having a good weekend.

[[Gr...]]

Just an update..  My baseline seems to be holding at that 80%- 85% with some 90%  sunbreaks and a few windows thrown in. I can pretty much do all the easy stuff that I want to even with mild to moderate sx. Going shopping, visiting friends ( still not too long.  An hour to hour an a half, but I was never a long visitor), going to a movie, .  I can now read a book for hours ( last summer I couldn't concentrate for a book.. actually 3 months ago I still couldn't concentrate enough for a book), cooking ( nothing like Nova, Beulah and Drew), puttering around, going for walks with the dog, adjusting to a reflux diet, having conversations without d/r and dread.  Most of this is reliable now. I still have a random benzo flu day maybe as often as once a week, but I just go as low and slow as needed to endure it until it lifts. My mental is good  and positive ... except for when the health fear hits, then all bets are off and I am back in acute, but those health fear attacks are getting spaced out further and not lasting as long. Getting my gi sx checked out and finding only hernias went a long ways in letting go of some of the anxiety about " it must be something really really wrong" 

...I feel the healing so much more than I did just 3 months ago. Still a ways to go I know...but unless things go to hell again I am good with this ' almost there' place

.....I am so grateful for the support and friendship of every single one of you.  Wishing everyone a good and peaceful night....Siggy and Green, sending you wishes for sleep....coop

 

Coop, you sound so good!  I am so, so happy you've gotten to this place.  Yes, my friend, the worst is over, we can finally say?

 

When I stop thinking about doing things that I can't do until I'm in the 4th grade, I'm where you are.  Once I stopped overreaching, I could let myself enjoy the improvement, the healing.

[[Gr...]]

FJ and Coop, those fires sound awful!  Hopefully rain will come and soon this burning season will be over.

 

Yes, Coop, I know Princeton, NJ is my next door neighbor, and you're right, the humidity is oppressive. 

 

Adjusting to my new sleep routine, and being grateful for the sleep and feeling better, instead of wanting to skip grades and do cycling trips.

 

Have a better day, everyone.

 

 

[[Co...]]

Green, I just love you dear dear friend.  We have all lost our minds along the way, me, many times over.  I share your impatience. I don't want to sit at 'almost there'.  I want to be DONE DONE DONE.. .I want to volunteer in the classroom 3 days a week.  Go here and about without being tired and teetering on sx the next day. I would love to be facilitating attachment parenting seminars, doing yoga every day.  and I know I will get there.  In 4th grade.  .maybe if I do summer school I can go a little sooner.  I can only do low and slow so long before I get a little nuts. I am having challenges shaking the 4pm lag , but I have to remember that that was part of my pre-benzo life too... dragging and begging for coffee like a cocain addict. I was always up with running feet at 530 but no good at all to anyone by 730 and in bed by 8.. .So this 4pm lag is close to my 'before' life , just more pronounced.

.    Yep, when I look back on last summer, this is so so much better, but as Nova says, " not better enough yet".. 

.....So glad you are here.  coop

[[Fi...]]

Green and Coop--back on the subject of mothers.  If I had lost my mom when she was 50 as I almost did, I can full well picture missing her now, thinking what a support she would have been to me.  But I am dealing with REALITY here, what has actually happened, and what actually happened is that my mother, who had been a best friend and who I had supported in so many ways over the years, was NOT HERE FOR ME in this worst crisis of my life.  In fact, she made it worse.  Others who have elderly mothers will affirm this.  I think some younger people here who have mothers in their sixties have found them supportive, but for those of us who have reached the stage where our mothers are relying on US, the support isn't there.  They want us to hurry up and get well already and go back to being the good supportive daughters we've always been.

 

When you picture how you'd like to be sitting there having coffee with your mom, you're picturing her as she was back then.  You're not picturing her sitting there having joined all the people who are simply suspicious of you and who are actually rather annoyed with you.

 

People who die get a pass from having to come through for you, and if you've had people die, you get a pass from finding out how you'd have dealt with them, too.

 

We the living, get to keep trying to sort it out and do the best we can with our flawed mothers and our flawed selves.