12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Ah Peace ... bless your kind soul ... yes ... enduring through this stuff ... accepting what is in the moment ... recognizing where we have been ... acknowledging what has gotten better ...

 

I am sorry to hear you are still moving through this stuff ... it does get gradually better ... seems some us have to live with this stuff for a while longer than some other folks ... seems that is just they way things are ... some heal quickly, some take a while longer, and some take a while longer yet ...

 

It is good to hear from you when you can post ... hope the rest of your summer brings more healing ... it will, my friend ... we just have to stay tuned for the next segment ...

 

[[No...]]

Green ... I know that my thinking gets attached to the "this is the way it is going to be forever" ... how many times over the last four years have I been in that place ... and every time things shift a little further towards wherever it is I am going ...

 

Another lesson I have learned is that there doesn't seem to be much I can "do" to affect this process other than accepting where I am in the moment and waiting a while longer for the mad demon to change the channel again ...

 

Tough to do for us Type A sort of folks ...

 

There are some folks who had this kind of sleep time shift ... it goes on for a while and then moves back to what we would expect to be normal ...

 

Hang on ... as I know you will ... 

[[No...]]

12 AM here ... hot and sticky and humid in the middle of the night ... went to sleep at 6 PM and slept for a few hours ...

 

Doing pretty much okay, just feel like a sticky, smelly clam because of this weather ... we seem to get a stretch of this every year ... lasts a few days and then we move towards Fall ... looks like this bit of yuk will break in a couple of days ...

 

Haven't done a night owl bit for a few weeks ... hope we all have a good weekend ... 

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... yep ... the feeling that this is the last of it ... and this lingering last gasp of the drug ... sure does seem like it has gone on forever ... a little longer now and we may be out of the last of it ...

 

[[Gr...]]

Green--surely I'll be well by then.....surely I'll be well by then.....surely I'll be well by then.....I think I FINALLY got the idea to just stop promising myself this because I was clearly in no condition to do so.  It is just completely out of my control.  A few times when I'd be well and make the mistake of spontaneously agreeing to something that sounded great to do while I was well,  would quickly re-think it and cancel.  I could never just "wait and see."  I could only get the relief of having the stress removed if I cancelled as soon as I realized I wasn't confidently well.  My husband has gotten really good at understanding this and since he's not one to be wanting to do a bunch of stuff anyway, he mostly hasn't minded my cancellations!   Now that I've gotten to be an expert at refusing to put anything on the calendar, the way it works for me is that if I do have a slight wave I can think, "Okay?  So what!  You can't fool me!  Ha ha, I didn't make any plans."  In this way there's absolutely no room for beating myself up.  In the meantime I've had many many lovely moments that have occurred quite spontaneously. The trick for me is to literally go moment to moment, and I've learned that it's as important to be ready to seize the day when I'm well as it is to declare myself sick and lie down.  Today I managed to get my grandson up to my mom's apartment for a visit and now I'm happily working in the yard. In spite of what you've heard about the entire Northwest being on fire, it's cool and lush and green where we are.

 

You're not an immature baby!  But this is a rocky road we're on.  I think you can make it easier for yourself if you don't set yourself up with expectations that will probably lead to disappointment.  For me, this was a huge conflict with my mother because her idea of how to heal is to make plans to give yourself something to look forward to.  I could never get her to understand that in benzo withdrawal, it just doesn't work that way.  She finally seems to get it, at least a little, but I'm loathe to dig deeper and let her reveal that she actually doesn't!  She has hip replacement surgery coming up and my sis-in-law has stepped up and said she'd be her main "coach" through the ordeal.  I'm grateful for this and glad to just declare myself not ready to deal with things like this.  My husband and I will do what we can, but I wasn't going to commit to staying at her apartment for ten days, being away from my husband.

 

I'm proud of what I've accomplished on my good days since my ankle healed (and also, actually last summer before I fell into the  hole of fatigue in the fall) and my only "disappointment" is that this happened at all and that healing takes so long.

 

The bike trip was a nice idea but it's just not in the cards yet for you.  It will be later.  Beating yourself up won't help a thing.  Can you try being as nice to yourself as you would be to somebody else?

 

FJ, maybe I'm wrong, but people seem to benefit from the rehab?  A lot of the nursing homes here, on my coast, are devoting whole floors to rehab and have a lot of young people recovering from surgeries.  Columbia has a rehab that has a car!  My GF's mom went for a hip replacement - many years of steroids for asthma -- and she did the rehab, fairly young, she was, and they made good use of her time there.  She didn't lay around.  She learned practical stuff, like getting in and out of the car, etc.

The problem is, somebody has to haul your mom  to and from PT.  That's a pain.  I helped my friend out after her double knee replacement, and it was a lot.

 

good luck

[[Gr...]]

I'm just stopping by to say thank you. I am not well, but I continue to hold on like the rest of you and know it would have been impossible if not for the love on this thread. It is a special place on bb. I have been held and calmed through so many intense waves, months and months of them. Now, when in a wave, I'm better at accepting them and believing they'll pass. I still have some cognitive issues, mood issues, and mild dr, some fatigue and stiffness. Those are with me all of the time, but I am so grateful for the symptoms that have receded. I can't express my gratitude for the heartfelt support during all these many months. I'll still be checking in, but I just wanted to gush about how amazing you all are to walk through this and to support one another along the way. It doesn't happen enough, but it happens right here.

 

Peace2

 

Peace, I'm sorry you're still struggling.  School starting soon, too.  But if you keep up with the thread, you know people start to feel better, hopefully sooner rather than later for you.  You know you are Coop's favorite, Mighty Girl.  Keep on keeping on, kid, no matter what.  we take some time to cry now and then, have a tantrum or two, now and then, and then we get up and we keep on keeping on, that's what we do.  And we'll get there.

 

[[Gr...]]

Green ... I know that my thinking gets attached to the "this is the way it is going to be forever" ... how many times over the last four years have I been in that place ... and every time things shift a little further towards wherever it is I am going ...

 

Another lesson I have learned is that there doesn't seem to be much I can "do" to affect this process other than accepting where I am in the moment and waiting a while longer for the mad demon to change the channel again ...

 

Tough to do for us Type A sort of folks ...

 

There are some folks who had this kind of sleep time shift ... it goes on for a while and then moves back to what we would expect to be normal ...

 

Hang on ... as I know you will ... 

 

Nova, thank you so much.  It's not just the sleep.  I got ahead of myself, I wanted to be better so I could go on a cycling trip in October, and that's not happening.  I was having a meltdown because I wanted what I wanted, and I wanted it now.  Withdrawal does not work that way!  I know better.  But I am, after all, human, and human beings get depressed, frustrated, pissed off, etc.  I didn't want to be zen and accepting.  I wanted to be better right now

 

So thank you for your kindness, even as you struggle with your own stuff.  That is what makes this thread so great, that we can be there for each other. Thank you for being there for me.

 

BTW, on that depression you spoke of, I've been moody, irritable, crying jags.  Maybe it's a symptom?  Hopefully it passes soon.

 

feel better, Nova

[[Fi...]]

Green--well, exactly.  My mother is totally missing the point that it might actually be good for her.  Forget whatever actual rehab stuff is going on, in that place she would befriend everyone there.  She's never been in the hospital but  that she came out of it with all the nurses as her friends.  But do you think she will hear one word hinting of this from me?  No, she will not.  Apparently the doc sat there and told her and my SIL that people heal better if they're at home, cared for by a loved one, so that's what they're going on.  When my husband and I tried to point out that the SUV my SIL drives will be harder for her to get in and out of than if she let SIL drive her lower slung car, she wouldn't hear it.  So we're trying to just stay clear, but fear that if things don't go well, they'll be calling on us to pick up the pieces.  And I imagine this looks to others like why am I not doing my duty and taking care of my mother in the first place?  But, you know, maybe they'll surprise us and it will go better than our dire imaginings.  It looks like the date of her discharge will fall right at the third year anniversary of my knee surgery, which I dread.  I have done a tailspin at each significant anniversary despite my effort to ignore them.

 

PS--just read your last couple of posts.  I hope by my saying that I haven't been disappointed during this I'm not saying I haven't cried my head off in sheer rage over and over!  I just meant I haven't set myself up for being disappointed about specific events.  I am actually still full of a significant amount of anger over the whole thing.

[[No...]]

Green ... I feel this "getting ahead of ourselves" is not all a goofy thing ... as well as accepting what is in the moment we also need to look forward ... I think they call it hope ... that old donkey covered many miles walking towards that carrot ...

 

And hope can often carry some disappointment ...

 

You, and all of us, are doing the best we can with what we have ... and in addition to all our rants, and tantrums, and banging about, we are doing this with a lot of grace and compassion ... towards ourselves and others ...

 

A blessing from the wisdom traditions reminds us that we are the ones we have been waiting for ... and, we will dance again ... in the sunshine and the rain ... 

[[Gr...]]

Green--well, exactly.  My mother is totally missing the point that it might actually be good for her.  Forget whatever actual rehab stuff is going on, in that place she would befriend everyone there.  She's never been in the hospital but  that she came out of it with all the nurses as her friends.  But do you think she will hear one word hinting of this from me?  No, she will not.  Apparently the doc sat there and told her and my SIL that people heal better if they're at home, cared for by a loved one, so that's what they're going on.  When my husband and I tried to point out that the SUV my SIL drives will be harder for her to get in and out of than if she let SIL drive her lower slung car, she wouldn't hear it. So we're trying to just stay clear, but fear that if things don't go well, they'll be calling on us to pick up the pieces.  And I imagine this looks to others like why am I not doing my duty and taking care of my mother in the first place?  But, you know, maybe they'll surprise us and it will go better than our dire imaginings.  It looks like the date of her discharge will fall right at the third year anniversary of my knee surgery, which I dread.  I have done a tailspin at each significant anniversary despite my effort to ignore them.

 

PS--just read your last couple of posts.  I hope by my saying that I haven't been disappointed during this I'm not saying I haven't cried my head off in sheer rage over and over!  I just meant I haven't set myself up for being disappointed about specific events.  I am actually still full of a significant amount of anger over the whole thing.

 

That thar, that I bolded up above?  That's the kind of thing I steer clear of post withdrawal, and you're smart to do the same.  They'll figure it out.  she'll be fine

[[Gr...]]

Green ... I feel this "getting ahead of ourselves" is not all a goofy thing ... as well as accepting what is in the moment we also need to look forward ... I think they call it hope ... that old donkey covered many miles walking towards that carrot ...

 

And hope can often carry some disappointment ...

 

You, and all of us, are doing the best we can with what we have ... and in addition to all our rants, and tantrums, and banging about, we are doing this with a lot of grace and compassion ... towards ourselves and others ...

 

A blessing from the wisdom traditions reminds us that we are the ones we have been waiting for ... and, we will dance again ... in the sunshine and the rain ... 

 

Nova, right now hope is on a collision course with acceptance!  They are not getting along well at all!

 

You're right though, withdrawal has made me kinder and more compassionate not only to others, but to myself, more than ever in my life. 

I'm not ready to give up the tantrum right now though

Let's hope for sleep.

[[No...]]

Green ... I think we are all members of TA ... Tantrums Anonymous ... and ... nothing to give up ... they too will fade away ...

 

I am off for more zzzz ...

 

Have a good rest ...

[[Fi...]]

Green-  is your mother still living?

[[Gr...]]

Green ... I think we are all members of TA ... Tantrums Anonymous ... and ... nothing to give up ... they too will fade away ...

 

I am off for more zzzz ...

 

Have a good rest ...

]

You, too, Nova.

[[Gr...]]

Green-  is your mother still living?

 

No, she died in '97, cancer.  She was 60

[[...]]

Thank you Coop for your never ending support and encouragement. It is great you are seeing such progress and I understand your relief at being diagnosed with a hernia. Crazy I know, however going through wd, anything else is easy, maybe?

 

Cannot believe the topic that has been discussed. it is so relevant to me right now as I made plans for a friend and her family to come over for something to eat tonight. I did this while having a 'sunbreak' in the week and now I am wondering how I am going to make the chilli as my fatigue is worse than ever and last night I cried so many tears as I don't feel like I've made any progress, infact in some ways I feel worse. I seemed to manage more at the beginning of the year; I started a new job then!!!!  The last 2 days my moods have been swinging all over, you know the type that make you feel like you are going crazy and convinced you have some degenerative stuff going on. Oh and I also made plans to go to a spa on tuesday with my daughter. Even that's freaking me out!!!! I'm not handling this very well at the moment, just want a bit of my life back    So grateful for this place 

[[No...]]

Hi Marj ... situation normal ... generally freaked out ... hmmm ... and the degenerative stuff ... and the mood swings ...

 

And you will get through this stuff ... you know that ...

 

If your guest(s) have an idea what you are going through right now, perhaps you can celebrate tonight with "freak out chilli" ... I have made a few batches of that along the way ...

 

The spa may be a different kettle of fish ... maybe you can just do what you can with it and enjoy being with your daughter ...

 

We seem to make these plans knowing somehow that a bit of normalcy can be soothing ... 

[[No...]]

FYI ...

 

Got hold of a copy of Whitaker's new book ... "Psychiatry Under The Influence" ... read half of it this morning ...

 

Clear ... easy to read ... and direct ...

[[...]]

Nova, you are inspirationable and a true gent. I've put the chilli in the slow cooker and now I'm going for a walk to the shop (2 miles) as I need some more tomatoes. when I get back I'm going to make key lime pie. My friend does know and is great. I would love to have all my buddies here over too. I love you all 

 

Hope you are having a reasonable day Nova, It's humid here today.

[[Fi...]]

Green-sorry you lost your mother so young.  (Now that I'm 64, 60 seems frightfully young!)  It seems like people who lose their parents relatively young get one kind of grief--those who wind up  seeing them into old age face a different challenge.

[[be...]]

Morning all,

A nice cool morning here and I got out early to the farmers market. I got lots and lots of apples.

I spending the day with my daughter making applesauce and apple butter..maybe a few apple pies.

 

My symptoms are low for now, still have the leg issues but the nerve pain is better. Last night I had a mini panic attack. I think I've been over doing it a little and just need a " sit on the couch day".

Our fall weather is approaching and I feel the need to get out and enjoy what warm days we have left.

I'm sooooooo not looking forward to winter!!!!  The farmers almanac predicted another bad winter here..but our weather man said it will be a mild winter...hmm...we'll see.

 

Ok, enough rambling. Hope you all have the best day you can.

[[No...]]

Beulah ... apple butter ... if you need a taste tester I know where one lives ...

 

Enjoy your day ... and ... we still have another month of summer to go ... then Fall ... the brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ... 

[[Si...]]

Hi everyone, I've been busy so haven't been on much. Slept just ok last night. 5 hours, but that's much better than none. I was glad too because we had a road race today that was for lung cancer. One of our friends was diagnosed with stage 4 last year. He has been having targeted genetic treatment, which had been working good for him. He's not out of the woods yet. It's also what ultimately lead to my step-dad's passing. I walked most of the 5k. I actually took a 15 minute nap when I got home I was so tired. Which I think is the first nap I've had in 5 months.

 

Last night we went to see my nephew play in the band for his school's first football game. They traveled for 3-½ hours for the game. The band performed really well. My head pressure was really jacked up and had the jitters. I'm glad we went though and my sister's son I know was glad to see us. Now I'm at home and a bit depressed. Oh well, I'll have to just keep on trucking. Maybe a movie and some snuggle time with the wife later will help. Hope everyone is having a nice (as possible) Saturday.

[[Gr...]]

Green-sorry you lost your mother so young.  (Now that I'm 64, 60 seems frightfully young!)  It seems like people who lose their parents relatively young get one kind of grief--those who wind up  seeing them into old age face a different challenge.

 

losing a parent deeply impacts us whenever it happens. 

[[Gr...]]

Morning all,

A nice cool morning here and I got out early to the farmers market. I got lots and lots of apples.

I spending the day with my daughter making applesauce and apple butter..maybe a few apple pies.

 

My symptoms are low for now, still have the leg issues but the nerve pain is better. Last night I had a mini panic attack. I think I've been over doing it a little and just need a " sit on the couch day".

Our fall weather is approaching and I feel the need to get out and enjoy what warm days we have left.

I'm sooooooo not looking forward to winter!!!!  The farmers almanac predicted another bad winter here..but our weather man said it will be a mild winter...hmm...we'll see.

 

Ok, enough rambling. Hope you all have the best day you can.

 

B, I can't do another bad winter, either!  I cannot deal with the piles of snow and nowhere to put it.

I'm glad you and Nova feel hints of fall, I love fall.  Here where I am it's still very warm, the only sign is the days are getting shorter

 

You're sounding better and better.