12-18 month support

[[Lo...]]

Nova, here is a big hug to get you to the market. 

 

I went to the beach again, played and swimming  with my younger niece. I  played  feeling normal. It was great.

 

I at a croissant with chocolate on the way to the beach. I am so curious about food and it's nice to be able to eat on whim. Very nice.

 

Of course, I got bumps all over my face because of it. 

 

Last night, I went to the movies for the first time in two years and we also spoke to old friends.

 

That feeling of malevolence, has lifted. Not totally, but it's so much better.

 

I know there is still much healing to do, but it simply isn't the same sad place I was in, a week ago.

 

Might get worse in the next two weeks when the sale of the house will be final and we go on packing and moving.

 

I have such a hard time with my bladder, it's incredible.

 

Now, this can change on a dime, totally. But now, I know it's not real, I know there is light waiting for me.

 

Please remind me, when I forget it, wil you Nova ? And you too Green ?

 

Green glad to hear you are thinking about a success story. I will write one when it's not so  hard to write anymore ! 

 

Seriously, for me it's too soon.

 

Sky this is awesome news! I'm glad you got out and enjoyed yourself!!!! AMEN!!!

[[Aq...]]

Aquaval--yours is my story exactly.  Even though I'm healed, I still find I do best to avoid stress and often stress is being with certain family members.  I have been on what I call my "No Plans Plan" for a year and a half and I like it.  I know it probably looks weird to my extended family and others--how come I say I can't commit to something when they just saw me looking fine the other day?  But I quit caring what people thought a long time ago.  I'm my chief caretaker, and my caretaker says, "Do not stress this girl!"  A couple of months back we had a family funeral a five-hour drive away.  I was so relieved to be well and able to say, "Well, of COURSE we'll be going to this.  Why wouldn't we?"  But then as the time came closer and another small wave hit, I realized it wouldn't be good for me to try it and we bailed.  It was the right decision, even though I know everyone missed seeing my husband.  And you're right that it can be good stress that sets you off as well as bad stress.  I'm determined to keep to this plan until I'm 100% 100% of the time.  And actually, as a post-script, living this way has made me realize how many of the things I used to agree to do were not things I wanted to do anyway!  I now have a lot of catching up to do in terms of reclaiming my life, and I'm determined that I'm going to be the one in charge of setting the priorities!

 

Thanks for this.  Really helpful.  So, you consider yourself healed, even though this still happens?  Did it happen before the benzo craziness?  It did not at all for me.  I am just curious.  Thanks.

[[Fi...]]

Aquaval--yours is my story exactly.  Even though I'm healed, I still find I do best to avoid stress and often stress is being with certain family members.  I have been on what I call my "No Plans Plan" for a year and a half and I like it.  I know it probably looks weird to my extended family and others--how come I say I can't commit to something when they just saw me looking fine the other day?  But I quit caring what people thought a long time ago.  I'm my chief caretaker, and my caretaker says, "Do not stress this girl!"  A couple of months back we had a family funeral a five-hour drive away.  I was so relieved to be well and able to say, "Well, of COURSE we'll be going to this.  Why wouldn't we?"  But then as the time came closer and another small wave hit, I realized it wouldn't be good for me to try it and we bailed.  It was the right decision, even though I know everyone missed seeing my husband.  And you're right that it can be good stress that sets you off as well as bad stress.  I'm determined to keep to this plan until I'm 100% 100% of the time.  And actually, as a post-script, living this way has made me realize how many of the things I used to agree to do were not things I wanted to do anyway!  I now have a lot of catching up to do in terms of reclaiming my life, and I'm determined that I'm going to be the one in charge of setting the priorities!

 

Thanks for this.  Really helpful.  So, you consider yourself healed, even though this still happens?  Did it happen before the benzo craziness?  It did not at all for me.  I am just curious.  Thanks.

 

That's kind of hard to answer in that yes, I consider myself healed enough that I wrote my success story to hopefully inspire others, but apparently every last little  symptom is not entirely in my rearview mirror.

 

I think what you're really asking though, is if we're going to be ourselves again, and the answer is a resounding YES!  If you didn't have these problems before benzos, you will not have them when you're fully healed.  Benzos don't damage our brains permanently into having problems we never had before.

 

Before all this I guess I would have been considered a bit high-strung.  Otherwise my PCP wouldn't have prescribed me the Xanax for a trip to China without my even asking.  And I was on Propranolol for 25 years to prevent migraines by keeping me from getting whipped up in the first place.  But now I'm off the prop, off everything, and I actually think I'm calmer than ever.  Maybe it's some hard-won wisdom and maturity?  Sometimes I'll think okay, here is where I'd like to pop a Xanax.  But now I much prefer the idea that my brain is relearning how to put out the proper "calm-down" chemicals.

 

When I have a less than excellent day and just feel symptomatic enough to feel vulnerable, I make a point of avoiding stressors as best I can.  When  that switch flips (and I like that metaphor as it seems to fit perfectly) and I am graced with my full complement of the needed transmitters, I go right back to my old default mode of hustling around, getting things done and "thinking of others."

 

So what I'm saying is that I'm confident you will be yourself again.  How long that will take I can't say.  This all seems to take way longer than any of us would like!

 

 

[[Aq...]]

Amen!  Thank you for the post.  I appreciate it.

[[Gr...]]

Green ... yep ... my mood is affected by the physical stuff ... likely the same for many of us ...

 

And ... this outside weather is a real thick, foggy, humid, drippy drag on my mood ... this type of pea soup weather never seemed to bother me much before, would just shrug and keep going ... I seem to have added it to my "barriers" list ... must get out my eraser and start eliminating that stuff from the list ...

 

Okay, I am a little depressed around the edges ... who wouldn't be ... and since I was not born Prozac deficient I shall just muddle through ...

 

Off to the meat and veggie market ... won't bother with a shower this morning, will just take my soap and towel with me ... should entertain the other bus passengers and sidewalk gawkers ...

 

Okay ... mini rant over ...

 

It's Friday ... and there is no ice on the sidewalks ... who could ask for more? ... 

 

Nova, my mood has been all over the place.  Hope this settles down for you soon.  I know it will.  BTW, I meant to compliment you on leek n potato soup with bacon bits.  Now that sounds good.  and I'm not a soup person. 

 

Hoping for better days for us both.

[[Gr...]]

Nova, here is a big hug to get you to the market. 

 

I went to the beach again, played and swimming  with my younger niece. I  played  feeling normal. It was great.

 

I at a croissant with chocolate on the way to the beach. I am so curious about food and it's nice to be able to eat on whim. Very nice.

 

Of course, I got bumps all over my face because of it. 

 

Last night, I went to the movies for the first time in two years and we also spoke to old friends.

 

That feeling of malevolence, has lifted. Not totally, but it's so much better.

 

I know there is still much healing to do, but it simply isn't the same sad place I was in, a week ago.

 

Might get worse in the next two weeks when the sale of the house will be final and we go on packing and moving.

 

I have such a hard time with my bladder, it's incredible.

 

Now, this can change on a dime, totally. But now, I know it's not real, I know there is light waiting for me.

 

Please remind me, when I forget it, wil you Nova ? And you too Green ?

 

Green glad to hear you are thinking about a success story. I will write one when it's not so  hard to write anymore ! 

 

Seriously, for me it's too soon.

 

Sky, no I'm not thinking of a success story!  As you say, this changes on a dime, now I'm fixated on the fear that my days and nights are mixed up forever!

 

But, most important, I want to say how happy I am that you are enjoying life to the fullest!  Oh, my friend, how happy I am for you.  You have suffered terribly, didn't complain enough, I think, and now things are getting better.  So happy for you.

Swimming, eating choc. croissants!  Does it get any better?  Yay for you!

 

[[Co...]]

Marj.  You are preserving so determinedly through this....my heart goes out to you.  This is going to get better. You have so much on your plate. I look for your posts each day to see how you are doing. Energy is a big issue in w/d....we use such a great deal of energy trying to endure our sx, living as much of our lives as we can in the midst of sx, faking it until we make it, and waking up too many days tired due to insomnia. ..  You are doing a great job keeping it going..  You are going to make it through to the end of this.  I am wishing you some rest and some sunbreaks.....coop

[[Gr...]]

Some good news going around here a bit! Makes me very happy. 

 

My latest is that I feel like I finally made a bit of a baseline improvement finally.  Since about 3 weeks ago, my headaches are quite a bit less, and my normal daily life has improved.  Less dizzy, a bit less fatigued, sleeping has improved.  However, it all comes rushing back the second I have any kind of commitment come up: a lunch (yes, even with friends/family), dinner, something for work.  It's so frustrating!!!  I can feel nearly normal one second and then I get a text from someone asking to meet for lunch and then EVERYTHING comes back.  Ears full, dizzy, racing thoughts, faint feeling.  I just had lunch with my parents and I thought I was going to die!!  This even happens with something exciting, like watching a race on TV.

 

Anyone have something similar like this? It's like my nervous system still can't handle stress at all.  Hey, at least when things are calm and there are no obligations, things settle down a bit.

 

Aq, so happy for your improvement!  and you're right where I was when I improved, at 18.5.

 

as for the extreme reaction to any stimulus, emotion, yes, I've gotten that, sometimes still do.  And MikeJee has it a lot more. so it's normal healing.

[[Gr...]]

I'm still sleeping 7 a.m. to 3 p.m.  I'm grateful for the sleep but have a very strong fear attached to this, that it's a permanent sleep disorder.  As I write, I realize how silly that sounds, that so many things have happened to so many people in withdrawal, and they all pass.  So I guess my fear is probably a symptom because it's starting to dominate my thoughts, and I'm having a hard time getting through the night.  I don't live alone, so if I get up I have to tiptoe, turn off the T.V. b/c my kids have to get up for work.  No, I do not like being up all night.  It's too lonely and isolating and my thoughts go dark.  And I'm running out of midnight distractions.  sick of watching stuff and reading.

other than that, a little fatigue, not every day.  I would be doing more if I weren't waking up at 3:30. 

I guess that's it, I'm feeling better and sleeping through it, it's so late when I get up, that by the time I get going, the day is gone.  It's starting to get me down.  I have this feeling as though I'm really starting to feel a lot better, to heal, and I got robbed because I can't enjoy it.

 

Sorry for the Debby Downer post, but that's where I'm at today.

 

Feel better, everyone.

[[Co...]]

Some good news going around here a bit! Makes me very happy. 

 

My latest is that I feel like I finally made a bit of a baseline improvement finally.  Since about 3 weeks ago, my headaches are quite a bit less, and my normal daily life has improved.  Less dizzy, a bit less fatigued, sleeping has improved.  However, it all comes rushing back the second I have any kind of commitment come up: a lunch (yes, even with friends/family), dinner, something for work.  It's so frustrating!!!  I can feel nearly normal one second and then I get a text from someone asking to meet for lunch and then EVERYTHING comes back.  Ears full, dizzy, racing thoughts, faint feeling.  I just had lunch with my parents and I thought I was going to die!!  This even happens with something exciting, like watching a race on TV.

 

Anyone have something similar like this? It's like my nervous system still can't handle stress at all.  Hey, at least when things

 

......Aqua, A year ago ( or even six months ago) I could have written exactly the same post. .I was seeing some improvement in my baseline and as long as I stayed close to my safe zone ( my house..  sometimes my bed) , I had periods of calmness and managed my sx  . I clung to my distractions and my limited rote routine. ....But ....if someone wanted to come over or wanted me to go out and do something all my anxiety, d/r, cog fog, dread and disconnect came back. Sometimes it would all come back just talking to someone on the phone. Many of us have experienced this. Months ago Drew had dread talking to clients on the phone, several months ago just talking gave me anxiety/dread. ....It goes away. For me it started to gradually go away somewhere between months 18-21..  ..It sounds like you are doing great and making progress on your baseline. That's where I saw my progress....over time on my baseline because individual days could be so unpredictable and up and down. I started comparing months instead of days.  Good for you...keep it going... you are going to get through this all the way to healing. .. coop

[[Fi...]]

Green--when I was first coming off of ten days of Xanax after a trip to China and thinking it was just jet lag, I had terrible insomnia.  My doc told me to go outside in the morning light to reset the inner clock.  I've read other stuff about the magic of morning light (something about the slant of the rays) for upping your metabolism.  I know you said you'd tried to stay up the other day and it didn't work, but I wonder if you made a point of this business of getting out in the light.  I can't believe this is permanent for you.  Our bodies and brains don't want to be like this.  Seems like it would be worth a try. 

[[...]]

wondering if anyone had a burning tailbone??  it is such extreme pain.  also burning knees, elbows and hips.  I am having a hard time posting this last 2 months as everything has gotten so much worse.  so afraid this will never end.  Please tell me if anyone had this?  thank you so very much

[[Co...]]

Green.  This sure sounds like your one last sx that is standing between you and almost done healing. You with the sleep sx, Drew with the head sx and me with reflux that won't give up. All of feel like we would be 90%-95% there if it wasn't for one last big sx. My reflux is back today and as you say, dominating my otherwise normal thinking..  and engaging my health fear like your fear of becoming a permanent creature of the night.  I hear ya on the tired and bored of whatever distractions are available in the middle of the night. I have watched every possible sitcom rerun from 330 am -7am..  I can't stand looking at my smart phone anymore in the dead of night...  You are right Green.  It's one last w/d attack. .. I think it's going to turn around for you.. These last sx seem to hang on and hang on .  Thinking of you Green.  Wishing you some decent sleep ....in the night ....coop

[[Gr...]]

Green--when I was first coming off of ten days of Xanax after a trip to China and thinking it was just jet lag, I had terrible insomnia.  My doc told me to go outside in the morning light to reset the inner clock.  I've read other stuff about the magic of morning light (something about the slant of the rays) for upping your metabolism.  I know you said you'd tried to stay up the other day and it didn't work, but I wonder if you made a point of this business of getting out in the light.  I can't believe this is permanent for you.  Our bodies and brains don't want to be like this.  Seems like it would be worth a try.

 

Ty, FJ, but I had too bad a day, felt really so sick the whole day, that I'm going to give it some time before I try again.  I know about the benefits of light, that's why I make it a point to get sun each day.

This is intense.  It's probably a stage in healing, and I'm just not there yet, things are still sorting out.  And I still have pretty significant fatigue, boaty, nausea, on and off. so I'm just not there yet.  But thank you.

[[Gr...]]

Green.  This sure sounds like your one last sx that is standing between you and almost done healing. You with the sleep sx, Drew with the head sx and me with reflux that won't give up. All of feel like we would be 90%-95% there if it wasn't for one last big sx. My reflux is back today and as you say, dominating my otherwise normal thinking..  and engaging my health fear like your fear of becoming a permanent creature of the night.  I hear ya on the tired and bored of whatever distractions are available in the middle of the night. I have watched every possible sitcom rerun from 330 am -7am..  I can't stand looking at my smart phone anymore in the dead of night...  You are right Green.  It's one last w/d attack. .. I think it's going to turn around for you.. These last sx seem to hang on and hang on .  Thinking of you Green.  Wishing you some decent sleep ....in the night ....coop

 

Coop, thank you for that!  I forgot you were getting up in the middle of the night!  I've been pretty good about keeping the fears at bay, but this one is making me crazy.  It doesn't matter that I know differently, logically, the fear sneaks in and hammers away.  We need to get our groove back, find that low and slow place, and keep on keeping on.  whatever is happening is healing, and being scared to death and negative doesn't change a thing.

 

Coop, the hiatal hernia, as much problem as it's causing, you can't be sure you need a repair until withdrawal is over, can you?  because most of us are getting reflux --  I know I am.  it's worse now than it was, but it's hard to figure out if it's coming from the gut because I have so much on and off boatiness, that it makes me nauseous.

And yet healing is happening, underneath all of this craziness!

 

Feel better, Coop, really hoping the reflux gives you a break.

 

BTW, if it helps, Ive been waking up feeling like I need two Nexium instead of one.  Nausea, queasy.  so it's going around, it's just not my worst sx so I don't pay as much attention to it.  but I've had bad gastritis in the past, and it has very nasty, debilitating symptoms. 

 

Feel better, Coop, and everyone else.

[[Fi...]]

Well, maybe it is just your last wacky WD symptom that will insist on doing its thing until it's done!  So many of the symptoms are like that.  Nothing to do but just endure.  But if you do decide to try to reset your sleeping by drastic measures, just be sure you incorporate that really early morning light. It's not just getting out in the sunshine sometime during the day.  There's something about the earliest "blue" light and actually looking into it.  Something about your retina registering it.

[[Co...]]

wondering if anyone had a burning tailbone??  it is such extreme pain.  also burning knees, elbows and hips.  I am having a hard time posting this last 2 months as everything has gotten so much worse.  so afraid this will never end.  Please tell me if anyone had this?  thank you so very much

 

.....Elle.  buring sensations are very common in w/d....At 6.5 ( ?)  months off you are barely through acute. My acute sx actually showed up in months 3-7... ( hardly any sx months 1-3.. thought it was going to be a walk in the park)  Things did get worse for me in month 6 but started lessing in intensity at month 7.5.  The fear and anxiety of things getting worse is part of w/d....You are going to come through this and be ok, but it takes time ...time..  time and lots of distraction and support. I am so sorry you are in the thick of it...Beulah had a terrible time with nerve pain and burning legs and feet. She is much better now. ...How is your stomach pain?.. I hope it improved. ..  Thinking of you Elle and wishing you better days....coop

[[Gr...]]

Well, maybe it is just your last wacky WD symptom that will insist on doing its thing until it's done!  So many of the symptoms are like that.  Nothing to do but just endure.  But if you do decide to try to reset your sleeping by drastic measures, just be sure you incorporate that really early morning light. It's not just getting out in the sunshine sometime during the day.  There's something about the earliest "blue" light and actually looking into it.  Something about your retina registering it.

 

I know, FJ, I saw something about a blue light on a sleep disorder page.  I'm going to give it some time.

 

I think I'm having a hard time because I'm disappointed I can't go on the cycling trip I had rescheduled.  Back in March, when I rescheduled this thing, I remember thinking, surely I'll be healed by then!  Silly girl.  I'll get over it.  probably do better once I just cancel instead of hoping and hanging on.  it's making it hard to deal with withdrawal, because I don't have that low and slow acceptance thing.  withdrawal is impossible if you try to fight or hurry it.  I don't know why I'm fixated on this.  there will be plenty of trips when I heal.  Im being an immature baby. :'(

[[Fi...]]

Green--surely I'll be well by then.....surely I'll be well by then.....surely I'll be well by then.....I think I FINALLY got the idea to just stop promising myself this because I was clearly in no condition to do so.  It is just completely out of my control.  A few times when I'd be well and make the mistake of spontaneously agreeing to something that sounded great to do while I was well,  would quickly re-think it and cancel.  I could never just "wait and see."  I could only get the relief of having the stress removed if I cancelled as soon as I realized I wasn't confidently well.  My husband has gotten really good at understanding this and since he's not one to be wanting to do a bunch of stuff anyway, he mostly hasn't minded my cancellations!   Now that I've gotten to be an expert at refusing to put anything on the calendar, the way it works for me is that if I do have a slight wave I can think, "Okay?  So what!  You can't fool me!  Ha ha, I didn't make any plans."  In this way there's absolutely no room for beating myself up.  In the meantime I've had many many lovely moments that have occurred quite spontaneously. The trick for me is to literally go moment to moment, and I've learned that it's as important to be ready to seize the day when I'm well as it is to declare myself sick and lie down.  Today I managed to get my grandson up to my mom's apartment for a visit and now I'm happily working in the yard. In spite of what you've heard about the entire Northwest being on fire, it's cool and lush and green where we are.

 

You're not an immature baby!  But this is a rocky road we're on.  I think you can make it easier for yourself if you don't set yourself up with expectations that will probably lead to disappointment.  For me, this was a huge conflict with my mother because her idea of how to heal is to make plans to give yourself something to look forward to.  I could never get her to understand that in benzo withdrawal, it just doesn't work that way.  She finally seems to get it, at least a little, but I'm loathe to dig deeper and let her reveal that she actually doesn't!  She has hip replacement surgery coming up and my sis-in-law has stepped up and said she'd be her main "coach" through the ordeal.  I'm grateful for this and glad to just declare myself not ready to deal with things like this.  My husband and I will do what we can, but I wasn't going to commit to staying at her apartment for ten days, being away from my husband.

 

I'm proud of what I've accomplished on my good days since my ankle healed (and also, actually last summer before I fell into the  hole of fatigue in the fall) and my only "disappointment" is that this happened at all and that healing takes so long.

 

The bike trip was a nice idea but it's just not in the cards yet for you.  It will be later.  Beating yourself up won't help a thing.  Can you try being as nice to yourself as you would be to somebody else?

[[Te...]]

Ellie...

 

I have burning elbows .....burning gums,mouth,throat.......lips......mine seems to come and go.....but I do notice it in my joints.....it's soooo uncomfortable.....

Hugs! TM

[[Aq...]]

Some good news going around here a bit! Makes me very happy. 

 

My latest is that I feel like I finally made a bit of a baseline improvement finally.  Since about 3 weeks ago, my headaches are quite a bit less, and my normal daily life has improved.  Less dizzy, a bit less fatigued, sleeping has improved.  However, it all comes rushing back the second I have any kind of commitment come up: a lunch (yes, even with friends/family), dinner, something for work.  It's so frustrating!!!  I can feel nearly normal one second and then I get a text from someone asking to meet for lunch and then EVERYTHING comes back.  Ears full, dizzy, racing thoughts, faint feeling.  I just had lunch with my parents and I thought I was going to die!!  This even happens with something exciting, like watching a race on TV.

 

Anyone have something similar like this? It's like my nervous system still can't handle stress at all.  Hey, at least when things

 

......Aqua, A year ago ( or even six months ago) I could have written exactly the same post. .I was seeing some improvement in my baseline and as long as I stayed close to my safe zone ( my house..  sometimes my bed) , I had periods of calmness and managed my sx  . I clung to my distractions and my limited rote routine. ....But ....if someone wanted to come over or wanted me to go out and do something all my anxiety, d/r, cog fog, dread and disconnect came back. Sometimes it would all come back just talking to someone on the phone. Many of us have experienced this. Months ago Drew had dread talking to clients on the phone, several months ago just talking gave me anxiety/dread. ....It goes away. For me it started to gradually go away somewhere between months 18-21..  ..It sounds like you are doing great and making progress on your baseline. That's where I saw my progress....over time on my baseline because individual days could be so unpredictable and up and down. I started comparing months instead of days.  Good for you...keep it going... you are going to get through this all the way to healing. .. coop

 

 

Coop. You rock.  Thank you!

[[Gr...]]

wondering if anyone had a burning tailbone??  it is such extreme pain.  also burning knees, elbows and hips.  I am having a hard time posting this last 2 months as everything has gotten so much worse.  so afraid this will never end.  Please tell me if anyone had this?  thank you so very much

 

Elle, hi.  you just got off in January?  Yes, I had very painful tailbone pain, I could barely sit, terribly painful trying to get up.  Yes, I had it, I've heard of other ppl having it, and it does pass.  It came and went for awhile, and then eventually disappeared.  Good luck to you.  don't worry.  slow down.  it all passes after awhile. 

[[Gr...]]

Green--surely I'll be well by then.....surely I'll be well by then.....surely I'll be well by then.....I think I FINALLY got the idea to just stop promising myself this because I was clearly in no condition to do so.  It is just completely out of my control.  A few times when I'd be well and make the mistake of spontaneously agreeing to something that sounded great to do while I was well,  would quickly re-think it and cancel.  I could never just "wait and see."  I could only get the relief of having the stress removed if I cancelled as soon as I realized I wasn't confidently well.  My husband has gotten really good at understanding this and since he's not one to be wanting to do a bunch of stuff anyway, he mostly hasn't minded my cancellations!   Now that I've gotten to be an expert at refusing to put anything on the calendar, the way it works for me is that if I do have a slight wave I can think, "Okay?  So what!  You can't fool me!  Ha ha, I didn't make any plans."  In this way there's absolutely no room for beating myself up.  In the meantime I've had many many lovely moments that have occurred quite spontaneously. The trick for me is to literally go moment to moment, and I've learned that it's as important to be ready to seize the day when I'm well as it is to declare myself sick and lie down.  Today I managed to get my grandson up to my mom's apartment for a visit and now I'm happily working in the yard. In spite of what you've heard about the entire Northwest being on fire, it's cool and lush and green where we are.

 

You're not an immature baby!  But this is a rocky road we're on.  I think you can make it easier for yourself if you don't set yourself up with expectations that will probably lead to disappointment.  For me, this was a huge conflict with my mother because her idea of how to heal is to make plans to give yourself something to look forward to.  I could never get her to understand that in benzo withdrawal, it just doesn't work that way.  She finally seems to get it, at least a little, but I'm loathe to dig deeper and let her reveal that she actually doesn't!  She has hip replacement surgery coming up and my sis-in-law has stepped up and said she'd be her main "coach" through the ordeal.  I'm grateful for this and glad to just declare myself not ready to deal with things like this.  My husband and I will do what we can, but I wasn't going to commit to staying at her apartment for ten days, being away from my husband.

 

I'm proud of what I've accomplished on my good days since my ankle healed (and also, actually last summer before I fell into the  hole of fatigue in the fall) and my only "disappointment" is that this happened at all and that healing takes so long.

 

The bike trip was a nice idea but it's just not in the cards yet for you.  It will be later.  Beating yourself up won't help a thing.  Can you try being as nice to yourself as you would be to somebody else?

 

FJ, thank you for your support.  I don't have an issue with cancelling this, meaning disappointing anyone, I'm going to lose the money no matter what, which I don't really care about --  there's just this thing going on, me thinking I might be able to pull this off, because things can change on a dime. If I could keep that attitude, it would be fine to wait until the last minute.  I might have to cancel just to I don't drive myself nuts.

 

Wow, hip replacement, that's major.  Ppl I know are going into nursing facilities for rehab.  is she doing that?

[[Fi...]]

Green--re rehab and hip replacement-- that's the thing.  When I had my knee replacement, we had to go to classes and were told that unless we had somebody to commit to be there for us 24/7 for ten full days, we had to go to rehab.  Lucky for me, I had my husband.  He didn't even go to the grocery store unless a friend was here babysitting me.  My mom was no help at all in my recovery, and I shouldn't even get started about the ways my detox from drugs embarrassed her.  The worst crisis of my life and she flat out has not been here for me.  So now, she has this surgery.  Many of her friends have gone to the rehab places and done just fine, but naturally she thinks nursing home=old people and even though she's 88, she doesn't quite have a grip on that.  (and is actually probably better off for still thinking young!)  So when my sis-in-law offers to stay with her so she won't have to suffer the indignity of a rehab facility, of course she takes her up on it.  I tried to gently let my SIL off the hook, saying that even if I were well, I wouldn't be offering to do this nursing duty.  She gave me a lecture about family values and how we have to do whatever is best for my mom.  Sorry, I'm not there yet, putting my mom at the top of my list, and her lecture really pushed me off the cliff.  So, we'll see how this goes!  Hips are reportedly a piece of cake compared to knees.

 

That's a bummer if you lose money on your cycling trip deal.  We ate a couple of sets of tickets to concerts, but when I was struck down with a chest thing two days before we were going to Hawaii in Feb of 2014, my husband was able to get back every nickel, including slack key guitar concert tickets.  I still remember the doc at Immediate Care urging me to go, saying the sun and sand would cure me.  In what universe??  Sick is sick.  It has bugged me throughout this that people somehow think if you got in a nicer setting with some sunshine, you'd be cured.  It almost sounds like they don't really believe how deathly ill you are.  I was glad we cancelled that trip.  Before the next Christmas, a gym buddy of mine tried to tough out a trip to Hawaii with her family, got on the plane with the flu and died in Maui about ten days later.  I am not a big believer in trying to travel while  ill!

 

Your post made me think about how I've lived through this.  I'm glad for the stuff I've gotten done when I felt up to it--remodelling projects etc. But to me those are different than things that are SUPPOSED to be fun, like vacation trips.  People feel differently about this, of course.  You're glad you went to Atlanta.  HealingHope is glad she took the school trip with her daughter.  I would have voted against both of those, but then, I'm a travel wimp! 

 

I'm not you, but in your situation, the minute I cancelled the trip I'd be feeling the relief.  Worrying about whether you're going to be able to do it is stressful and I have really become completely stress averse!!   I'm sure you'll figure out what's right for you.

[[pe...]]

I'm just stopping by to say thank you. I am not well, but I continue to hold on like the rest of you and know it would have been impossible if not for the love on this thread. It is a special place on bb. I have been held and calmed through so many intense waves, months and months of them. Now, when in a wave, I'm better at accepting them and believing they'll pass. I still have some cognitive issues, mood issues, and mild dr, some fatigue and stiffness. Those are with me all of the time, but I am so grateful for the symptoms that have receded. I can't express my gratitude for the heartfelt support during all these many months. I'll still be checking in, but I just wanted to gush about how amazing you all are to walk through this and to support one another along the way. It doesn't happen enough, but it happens right here.

 

Peace2