12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Sofa ... getting through another day is progress ... one day closer ...

 

As soon as you figure out the game plan let me know ... every time I think I have it they change the "plan" ... 

[[Gr...]]

Wow seems like some of the people close to two years or just passed that are doing better. Glad to hear you may be getting near the end Coop.

 

I feel like I've been punched in both eyes after not sleeping last night. At least work was mostly smooth. Tomorrow's Friday. My sister's son is on the football team at his school. They're playing a school near where I live. So i get to see my sister and nephew tomorrow night. They live about 3-½ hours from me, so I only get to see them a few times a year.

 

I have a friend from college that I still talk to on Facebook. She posted about trying to come off of Zoloft and how she was having a terrible time with it. So I sent her a link to the surviving antidepressants website. Hopefully she won't have bad symptoms from a slow taper.

 

Sig, it's going to get better.  I know how you must be struggling with sleep deprivation.  I deal with it at home, not going to a job, and it's hell!  I don't know how you do it.  Don't worry, it's going to get better, you're going to get better. 

Also, Gwen Olsen wrote a book, Rx Drug Pusher, I think.  I thought it would be more about benzos, but it wasn't, it was about the other psych drugs, Prozac, Zoloft.  After reading it, I was horrified how many symptoms were attributed to ADs and coming off.  I don't know if reading it will help your friend support wise, but as much information as possible is always good.

 

Hope your nephew's team wins!

[[Gr...]]

Good Evening ... well ... sat here this afternoon feeling sorry for myself ... got a good way down in the dumps ... took a bit of shovelling ...

 

Climbed out a while ago ... don't feel much better ... but it was awful smelly and yucky down there ... no place for an old fella ...

 

Guess I am just having a bout of wondering when this will be over for me ... getting tired of this day in and day out stuff ...

 

Oh well ... another day in the books ... tomorrow will be its own surprise ...

 

Be Well, Folks ... 

 

Nova, I'm with you!  Trying to be positive, but it's rough.  I know I'm getting better, I can feel it, but still have plenty going on.  And if you're getting tired of day in, day out, it's because you're not feeling well!  I only get miserable when I get pounded, when I'm past my sx limit!  I used to think it was because my brain was getting better, that I couldn't handle the same old stuff anymore.  I don't think so.  On days when I feel bad enough I can't do what I did the other day, which is less than I did last year! then of course it takes its toll.  Like Jenny said, it got a lot worse before it got better.  That's what I was thinking today, because I felt worse.  Hang in there, buddy, we are going to make it, we're just taking a longer trail.

 

 

[[Si...]]

Nova yes we are on a tandem jump! Keepin it cool ... real cool.  maybe turning the page we'll read for tomorrow will be more entertaining than today.

 

Thanks sofa, hope you're doing well today.bi occassionaly go to that site too just to see how bad some if the A/D folks have it. Glad I didn't start down that road. Wish I'd taken the funicular instead of the benzo path! 

 

Green, thanks for the info and the encouragement. I'll pass the book info along. I'm sure her doc probably told her to half her dose for two weeks and then stop. She didn't come out and say it, but I'm pretty sure she's getting the full range of acute w/d.

[[Gr...]]

Sorry you're feeling yucky Nova.  This is so exhausting.  I used to feel so much better in the late afternoon, around 4pm.  That's now been pushed to 8pm.  I always tell my brain, "if you can get it right at 8pm, you can get it right, period."  My brain has a different game plan, apparently.

 

I used to feel desperate for this to be over.  Now I'm just sick and tired of it all.  I suppose that's progress?

 

I hope you have a peaceful night.

 

 

Sofa, my 'feel better' time also got pushed from 4 p to 8.  what is that about, anyway?

 

Have a good night.  (if I'm up overnight again, maybe I'll try to clean the bathroom, something productive?  Stop complaining about my lemons and make lemonade! )

[[Fi...]]

Bealah--I hear you.  There is something about a crisis with your kid that just jerks your attention away from yourself, if only temporarily.  A couple of weeks ago I was feeling like I didn't even want to see my daughter, because, unlike her brothers, she has recently distanced herself from me on this (compassion fatigue?) and although I was doing fine without her support, I felt like seeing her was a potential PTSD trigger for me.  Then she walked in, hugged me, and showed me she had developed a visible goiter on her thyroid.  Yikes!  I immediately switched into Mom-mode, which I guess is the way it's supposed to be.  We are always more concerned for the well-being and ultimate survival of our offspring than they're going to be about us.  Anyway, Monday she underwent a needle biopsy and I do think the stress of worrying about that was affecting me.  Yesterday she phoned with the news it was benign and I went back to sleeping well again!  I think we're just hard-wired as moms to get an adrenalin flow when necessary, but when your brain's done that for you (in your case) it's not surprising you'd kind of have at least a mini-crash.  Glad your son's okay.

[[so...]]

FJ, boy do I know the "Mother Anxiety Bullet Train" mode!  My daughter will be 39 in 4 days, eight months pregnant with her third child, high high risk pregnancy, due to previous blood clots that lodged in her lungs.  She shoots herself in the tummy every day with blood thinners.  She's having a very tough time with pain from a dangling polyp that her previous OBGYN cut out incorrectly and it grew back with a vengeance!  Although I stay calm and reassuring on the phone when I talk to her, my anxiety goes through the roof as soon as I hang up, and stays sky high for hours! 

 

If I could take all her pain and health issues from her and put them on myself, I would do it in a heartbeat, withdrawal issues be damned!  I've  prayed and prayed and paced and smoked and prayed every single day since January.  Then I tell myself I've already begged God daily to protect her, give her a safe delivery and a healthy little girl and God has said "Yes."  It's all I can do.  But this withdrawal anxiety beast breathes fire into my chest every time I think of her. 

 

I wish the anxiety nuclear meltdowns would stop.  Maybe they will on September 22nd.  I hope so.

 

It's very weird how this withdrawal has reduced me to a quivering bowl of jello, when I used to be the calm strong one in the family.

 

My family wants their mom back.  So do I. :'(

[[so...]]

Green, I really feel for you with the vampire clock insomnia schedule. I notice that I can't fall asleep on an empty stomach.  So, I get up, stuff down a few bites of protein and go back to bed.  I can usually fall asleep within an hour.

 

If it doesn't work tonight, I'll be cleaning my bathroom, thinking of you.  I use Scrubbing Bubbles foam, how bout you?

[[Fi...]]

Sofa--I completely get what you're saying.  My first grandchild arrived in the middle of this, and I hated that I was the weak link in the family when I needed to be one of the strong ones.  But all we can do is haul ourselves through it and look forward to eventually being the strong women we know, deep down, we are.

 

Pregnancy is nervous-making and especially when you have one that's high-risk.  But, you know what?  It's gonna be okay!  With good medical care, the outcomes are almost always favourable.  In fact, my brain is kind of a computer-storage for stories, and I  don't know of any like your daughter's where it didn't turn out fine in the end.

 

And lucky you!  Another grandbaby!

 

Of course you will still be nervous.  There's no stopping it for mothers, is there?

[[No...]]

Green ... yep ... my mood is affected by the physical stuff ... likely the same for many of us ...

 

And ... this outside weather is a real thick, foggy, humid, drippy drag on my mood ... this type of pea soup weather never seemed to bother me much before, would just shrug and keep going ... I seem to have added it to my "barriers" list ... must get out my eraser and start eliminating that stuff from the list ...

 

Okay, I am a little depressed around the edges ... who wouldn't be ... and since I was not born Prozac deficient I shall just muddle through ...

 

Off to the meat and veggie market ... won't bother with a shower this morning, will just take my soap and towel with me ... should entertain the other bus passengers and sidewalk gawkers ...

 

Okay ... mini rant over ...

 

It's Friday ... and there is no ice on the sidewalks ... who could ask for more? ... 

 

 

[[Sk...]]

Nova, here is a big hug to get you to the market. 

 

I went to the beach again, played and swimming  with my younger niece. I  played  feeling normal. It was great.

 

I at a croissant with chocolate on the way to the beach. I am so curious about food and it's nice to be able to eat on whim. Very nice.

 

Of course, I got bumps all over my face because of it. 

 

Last night, I went to the movies for the first time in two years and we also spoke to old friends.

 

That feeling of malevolence, has lifted. Not totally, but it's so much better.

 

I know there is still much healing to do, but it simply isn't the same sad place I was in, a week ago.

 

Might get worse in the next two weeks when the sale of the house will be final and we go on packing and moving.

 

I have such a hard time with my bladder, it's incredible.

 

Now, this can change on a dime, totally. But now, I know it's not real, I know there is light waiting for me.

 

Please remind me, when I forget it, wil you Nova ? And you too Green ?

 

Green glad to hear you are thinking about a success story. I will write one when it's not so  hard to write anymore ! 

 

Seriously, for me it's too soon.

 

 

[[...]]

Nova, here is a big hug to get you to the market. 

 

I went to the beach again, played and swimming  with my younger niece. I  played  feeling normal. It was great.

 

I at a croissant with chocolate on the way to the beach. I am so curious about food and it's nice to be able to eat on whim. Very nice.

 

Of course, I got bumps all over my face because of it. 

 

Last night, I went to the movies for the first time in two years and we also spoke to old friends.

 

That feeling of malevolence, has lifted. Not totally, but it's so much better.

 

I know there is still much healing to do, but it simply isn't the same sad place I was in, a week ago.

 

Might get worse in the next two weeks when the sale of the house will be final and we go on packing and moving.

 

I have such a hard time with my bladder, it's incredible.

 

Now, this can change on a dime, totally. But now, I know it's not real, I know there is light waiting for me.

 

Please remind me, when I forget it, wil you Nova ? And you too Green ?

 

Green glad to hear you are thinking about a success story. I will write one when it's not so  hard to write anymore ! 

 

Seriously, for me it's too soon.

 

 

This really is wonderful to read Sky. Cannot believe how dramatically things can change. I've been told that once healing begins it can happen quite fast (rather than a window). 

[[Co...]]

Good Evening ... well ... sat here this afternoon feeling sorry for myself ... got a good way down in the dumps ... took a bit of shovelling ...

 

Climbed out a while ago ... don't feel much better ... but it was awful smelly and yucky down there ... no place for an old fella ...

 

Guess I am just having a bout of wondering when this will be over for me ... getting tired of this day in and day out stuff ...

 

Oh well ... another day in the books ... tomorrow will be its own surprise ...

 

Be Well, Folks ... 

 

......Thinking of you Nova.  The dumps are truly just that....a big smelly dump....no 0lace for a lovely person like you, yet w/d is an equal opportunity torture....lovely people get thrown in the heap along with the junk. So glad that you and I and Green and all of us nearing the 2 year mark have been doing this long enough to know where the closest exits are..  So sorry Nova....in a million ways you do not deserve this.  .

......I am thinking of you ...there is nothing I can say that you haven't heard and said to yourself.....just know how much we love you here, what a healing presence you are , ...I will be stopping by for soup and sandwiches along with Beulah. We will be bringing jokes and crosswords and puzzles....We would love to walk with you.... Wishing you a better day today.....coop

[[Co...]]

Sky....good morning to you!...You sound wonderful dear friend. I am beyond happy for you. I can just see you on the beach eating chocolate, playing with your little niece and enjoying a movie. Sky, you have had a big shift in healing in a mere 1 or 2 weeks....I am so excited for you and your posts are yet more testimony to the fact that we do indeed heal from this agony and live our lives again. Yes, we can still get hit even in the midst of 'almost healed', but the great thing thing is we know it's coming to an end.  Your post was sunlight on my morning....love to you friend.....coop

[[Co...]]

Beulah....wow!....so sorry to hear about your son's leg... It is amazing what we can do and get through when it comes to our kids.  ...once a mom always a mom. I had the same experience with my daughter's wedding....no sx., my entire being was focused on what I had to be doing....why can't we muster that in our every day lives ...the days that have us on the couch with burning legs , health fears and reflux?...

....Let's go over to Nova's and go for a walk with him and have sandwiches and soup and do a puzzle with him...

.....Beulah, I am wishing you sunbreaks and rest today....love to you dear friend....coop

[[Co...]]

Hi everybody.  Haven't been here in a long time, but I wanted to pop in to check on dear Coop and a few others from the deep, dark days of early-mid 2014.  So glad to hear many of you are doing better!  I consider myself 100% healed BUT FOR my continued inability to handle stress, and general sense of dreading bad news.  It's murky, because I was somewhat like this before benzos, but I don't remember it being quite this intense.  Part of it also may be lingering trauma from acute.  I never realized that a human (me) could go to such a horrific place, and maybe somewhere I have a fear of going there again.  But, physically, I am at 100%, and I mostly have my sleep back, which was my biggest issue in w/d.

 

Blessings to you all, and continued healing!

 

"floc"

 

......Floc....it's great to see you !....Your post is a wonderful boost to al of us here....It is just wonderful to hear that you are 100%....I think the residual mild PTSD feeling is to be expected....we have been through hell. I am doing much better and feel about 80%-90% on most days now...give or take. I am anticipating another year of just tying up loose ends, re-entering the world of the living, and polishing up my life. I still get hit , but not as hard and have better resilience. .....I am so glad to see you wishing you nothing but 100% all the way ...every day....I will be watching for your Success story.....coop

[[Sk...]]

Sky....good morning to you!...You sound wonderful dear friend. I am beyond happy for you. I can just see you on the beach eating chocolate, playing with your little niece and enjoying a movie. Sky, you have had a big shift in healing in a mere 1 or 2 weeks....I am so excited for you and your posts are yet more testimony to the fact that we do indeed heal from this agony and live our lives again. Yes, we can still get hit even in the midst of 'almost healed', but the great thing thing is we know it's coming to an end.  Your post was sunlight on my morning....love to you friend.....coop

 

Thanks Coop, thanks everybody.

 

Definitely, something has changed. Can't quite say what.

 

As I write, I am having palps and vibrations but it's ok.

 

On our way back from the beach, we bought icicles and I enjoyed every minute of it.

 

I did some snorkeling.

 

Something has happened, and I am so greatful for it.

 

 

I am still mentally challenged and tons of other things.

 

This is going to happen to all of us here soon.

 

I have to go now, I have a Spanish session in a few minutes.

[[No...]]

Sky ... 

 

Enjoyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ... yourself ... 

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... got to the market and back ... lots of humid, thick air out there ...

 

Turned on the a/c and gonna vegetate this afternoon ...

 

Hope things are holding up for you ...

 

The Café is open ... 

[[Co...]]

Coop, I'm so happy to hear how well you are, and, oddly, as Sky did, I'm congratulating you on your hernias.  It's good to find there's a relatively innocuous reason for the GI issues.  It's when we can't find anything, or find out something terrible that it's a problem.  Call me crazy, but I would lean toward getting them taken care of, when you feel up to it.  I've known any people with those hernias, all with positive results.

 

Sky, going to the beach, and going in the water!  Hallelujah, girl friend.

 

Sig and Marj, pay attention, healing happens, for all of us.  I remember being so grateful when I read in one of Baylissa's books, that it didn't matter how sick, how severe your symptoms were, whether you were bedridden or able to work, that had no effect on healing time.  Fliprain, for instance, taking college courses after 15 months.  and she was awfully sick.

 

So happy to hear your good news today, Sky and Coop.  And Jenny.

 

Me, I've been wondering what success is.  I feel 1000% better.  I just don't have the energy, which I think probably comes over time.  A lot of people write a success story long before they're 100%, and some wait for every last symptom to disappear.

 

I would seriously consider writing one now but for the sleep issue.  i'm sleeping 8 hours a night, but my bedtime is at 8 a.m.!  I wake up well rested.  But I'm waking up 1-3 p.m.  I tried to correct it yesterday by staying up all day and going to bed earlier, 2 a.m.  All that happened was I had an awful day from sleep deprivation, and never fell asleep until 6 a.m., slept until 1:30, slept through the alarm I had set.

 

My fear is, is this going to be a permanent problem?  Do I have Delayed Sleep Phase disorder?  I googled it!  

 

And, other than that, I'm much better, but I would say I need some more time before I write a story.  I'm thinking 24-27.  but it's the insomnia/sleep issues holding me back.  The way I'm waking up now, I could get myself out the door for a job, with some planning, on a part time basis, but it would have to be working nights!  I think that's the standard I use for healing:  could I get up and go to work?  Could I get up in the morning and go on a hike?  Can I go to the gym and work out?

 

So where do you have to be to write a success story?  what constitutes success?  what is the standard for success?  for me, I would have to be able to get up in the morning and get out the door without feeling sick, be able to get to a job, an appointment, a recreational event, without feeling absolutely ill.    I can do that in the evening.

  What is your bottom line for success?

 

.....Green.  You are sounding so good. It seems like there are a few of us feeling closer , but with that 'if not for this one thing' syndrome.....I am still just happy for you that you are sleeping, but I hear you on the 'short day' offness. ...Are you naturally somewhat of a night owl?....I think in time you will swing back to where you were before w/d..  Like HH, I think you will know when to write your success story, but boy do I love hearing how right there you are!.  We are climbing out of this black hole Green..  We may not be 100% every day, but we are healed enough to claim our lives back..  I have to remind myself that even 'normal ' life has its ups and downs, goid days and bad days. ....I personally find even more encouragement in reading the posts from buddies who are consistently improving. Maybe because it gives me a clear expectation that that final healing doesn't always happen overnight and is in itself a process of of progression . I love the success stories but I still need to see the 'end of this' process unfolding  ..to relate to. ...I have read several success stories that state, " I still have a few residual sx"....I think a success story is all about...."I have my life back". For a lot of us having a few lingering sx still allows us to have our lives back, for other it means not having any sx left..  Like w/d , I think it is individual.  .it is whatever success means to the writer. I am so much better, but I know I have a ways to go before I feel a success story in me. I know I can get all of my life back even with some left over sx. I think sleep is going to take awhile longer for me too. I am still waking up at 430 sometimes and not able to go back to sleep. A few restless nights of waking up every couple of hours. I am still fatigued by 4pm and have a stray day here and there of day long crushing fatigue, that no mistake about it w/d fatigue. ...For me, I am giving it another 6-12 months of tying up loose ends, re-entry into the world of the living and polishing up my psyche and buffing up my confidence.  But I am old and move slower than people like Life ( miss that guy), who moved from Effortless Mind days right into big real life on the outside.

.....Whether you write your Success story soon or later, the real story is that you are feeling so much better, that you are picking up huge pieces of your life again,...that you have traveled this miserable hike for 2 long years without turning back....and have helped all of us along the way, reminding us that " Nobody gets left behind"... to me that is success...the Success story is the bright bow on your entire story...

......I look forward to your Success story, but I love love your posts.  coop

[[Co...]]

Sky....wonderful....just wonderful....here's to Popsicles and the beach....You deserve every bit of this ....and so much more....have the best beach day....coop

[[Fi...]]

Sky--so glad to read this.  I totally relate to the amazing feeling of just walking around, enjoying being a normal person, feeling healed.  I think it's pretty typical to seesaw back at forth even toward the end, so if you slide a bit, just try to hang onto the memory of this wonderful time, because it gives you the idea of what you're heading for, and where you will be very soon. 

[[...]]

Green ... yep ... my mood is affected by the physical stuff ... likely the same for many of us ...

 

And ... this outside weather is a real thick, foggy, humid, drippy drag on my mood ... this type of pea soup weather never seemed to bother me much before, would just shrug and keep going ... I seem to have added it to my "barriers" list ... must get out my eraser and start eliminating that stuff from the list ...

 

Okay, I am a little depressed around the edges ... who wouldn't be ... and since I was not born Prozac deficient I shall just muddle through ...

 

Off to the meat and veggie market ... won't bother with a shower this morning, will just take my soap and towel with me ... should entertain the other bus passengers and sidewalk gawkers ...

 

Okay ... mini rant over ...

 

It's Friday ... and there is no ice on the sidewalks ... who could ask for more? ... 

 

 

 

Yes me too Nova. My physical stuff has been making me fed up and irritable. Just want to scream.... Go away, enough now!!!!!! I would make some bread and take it out on the dough if I had the energy. Wow, to have some energy, that would be a blast from the past.

 

Good on you for getting to markets and back, it must be so much harder if its humid. Our weather hasn’t been anything to write home about, as in it’s pretty dire for August, lots of rain. 

 

 

 

[[Aq...]]

Some good news going around here a bit! Makes me very happy. 

 

My latest is that I feel like I finally made a bit of a baseline improvement finally.  Since about 3 weeks ago, my headaches are quite a bit less, and my normal daily life has improved.  Less dizzy, a bit less fatigued, sleeping has improved.  However, it all comes rushing back the second I have any kind of commitment come up: a lunch (yes, even with friends/family), dinner, something for work.  It's so frustrating!!!  I can feel nearly normal one second and then I get a text from someone asking to meet for lunch and then EVERYTHING comes back.  Ears full, dizzy, racing thoughts, faint feeling.  I just had lunch with my parents and I thought I was going to die!!  This even happens with something exciting, like watching a race on TV.

 

Anyone have something similar like this? It's like my nervous system still can't handle stress at all.  Hey, at least when things are calm and there are no obligations, things settle down a bit.

[[Fi...]]

Aquaval--yours is my story exactly.  Even though I'm healed, I still find I do best to avoid stress and often stress is being with certain family members.  I have been on what I call my "No Plans Plan" for a year and a half and I like it.  I know it probably looks weird to my extended family and others--how come I say I can't commit to something when they just saw me looking fine the other day?  But I quit caring what people thought a long time ago.  I'm my chief caretaker, and my caretaker says, "Do not stress this girl!"  A couple of months back we had a family funeral a five-hour drive away.  I was so relieved to be well and able to say, "Well, of COURSE we'll be going to this.  Why wouldn't we?"  But then as the time came closer and another small wave hit, I realized it wouldn't be good for me to try it and we bailed.  It was the right decision, even though I know everyone missed seeing my husband.  And you're right that it can be good stress that sets you off as well as bad stress.  I'm determined to keep to this plan until I'm 100% 100% of the time.  And actually, as a post-script, living this way has made me realize how many of the things I used to agree to do were not things I wanted to do anyway!  I now have a lot of catching up to do in terms of reclaiming my life, and I'm determined that I'm going to be the one in charge of setting the priorities!