12-18 month support

[[Fi...]]

HH-- thank you for this link.  This must be new on this doc's site!  I thought we were all referring to what he'd put up several years ago about opioids.  Must go read....

[[He...]]

HH-- thank you for this link.  This must be new on this doc's site!  I thought we were all referring to what he'd put up several years ago about opioids.  Must go read....

 

You're welcome.  I wish I could go see this doctor in person! 

I have been reading more about opioid recovery when I come across articles.  You are amazingly strong to be dealing with both issues simultaneously!! Just the benzo recovery can bring me to my knees at times. 

[[Fi...]]

HH--I'm no braver than you!  Having experienced both benzo and opioids  withdrawal and even though I'm not always sure which is from which, I really think the mental benzo tortures are the worst, and I didn't have them as bad as you all.  Between the two I've had my fill of feeling suicidally depressed at least once every two weeks for two years  :'( but I've been spared this all-pervasive fear you write off and the DR.

 

I was really glad to read this section of the doc's website, which seems to be an update.  Yes, couldn't we all have done so much better with a guy like this holding our hands?  It made it so much worse actually feeling at odds with every doctor I encountered.  I'm pretty sure that part of the problem is that in Canada and Great Britain they are busier trying to figure out how to help people whereas here in the US, it's all about what insurance will cover and won't cover.

 

I find his passage reassuring.  We're all going to get well!  People should read this passage and not be like the woman he writes about who was put back on more meds just as she was probably about to get better.

[[Co...]]

Oh My Goodness.  HH...THANK YOU  so much for that link. Ativan is what I am w/ding from and that article is a life line for me! Even though I am significantly better than I was this time last year, sx and waves remain and at times I am discouraged thinking that maybe where I am now is as good as I am going to get. .  Thank you thank you thank you.

    I also just read an article ( sorry I can't find it now for the link) , that suggests that many clinical depressions heal themselves within 2 years and psychotropic drugs initially were prescribed to keep patients alive until their depressions healed. As antidepressants became more popular and widely used physicians began just leaving their patients on them to prevent further episodes of depression. It has never been proved that remaining on antidepressants prevent further episodes of depression. Rather , when left on antidepressants over a period of time, coming off of them results in all of the w/d misery that we here know all too well.

....Interesting that the 24 month theme appears in different resources regarding psychological and w/d .

.....I never in a million years thought I could do this for 24 months...like a lot of us I gave it 6 months...now I think 6 months isn't much of anything ...lol

...thanks so much again HH.. that article is going to get me through the next 9/10 months.  coop

[[je...]]

I remember plopping on my bed in hysterics because I read it could take  me a year to deal with w/d. Here I am at 15 months still dealing with this... Never ever did I think it could take this long to w/d from a prescribed drug. Unbelievable!

[[He...]]

I remember plopping on my bed in hysterics because I read it could take  me a year to deal with w/d. Here I am at 15 months still dealing with this... Never ever did I think it could take this long to w/d from a prescribed drug. Unbelievable!

 

I NEVER in a million years believed that I would deal with it much more than a few months.  My taper was relatively uneventful and I didn't start getting really hit with waves significant enough to feel the need to document them until about 2 months out.  Here I am, hitting 18 months in 5 days, and in the throes of a wave. 

 

Unbelievable is right!     

[[dr...]]

I just think it's better we kept adjusting our expectations.  Like you said Jenny one year is bad...imagine if you read two years!  Add in my two year taper and I'm losing four-five years.  I have to think about everything I'll be gaining on the back end because my life was just existing numb from activity to activity.  Now, when I feel good I savor the moments.  I think being able to really savor and enjoy life can be gift from all this suffering.

[[Fi...]]

Coop--all the stuff about psych drugs actually hurting rather than helping in the long run is very well documented in the book Anatomy of an Epidemic.  I've given a copy of it to each of my three grown kids.  I want them armed with the truth in case any idiot doctors try to steer them wrong!

 

Hey, let's all try to think of this long long time frame as the parameters within which we might still see more healing instead of thinking that another year is another year as bad as the past one, because that just ain't true!

[[Co...]]

Drew.  You are a beacon of positive . .. Yep the good days are so much sweeter than I ever knew . I used to just take it for granted that most days were good good days,barring the random curve balks that throws your way. The things that happen ...and then you get over them . The unpredictability of w/d has definitely made me treasure and savor the simplest of things like being able to go to my grandsons' classrooms to volunteer without giving it a second thought. Just waking up without head pressure and swaying is a reason to be happy. A day without intrusI've death/dying and health fears is a day to rejoice. .. The fact that I have come through this without reinstating is unbelievable. It is only due to the information and support found on this site that I got through even tapering.

. ..HH... your tapering/jump was much like mine. I didn't experience any real w/d sx until about 6/8 weeks out month 4 was a nightmare from the seventh level of hell.  what a surprise. At week 5 I was thinking, " I've got this!.. Easy peasy, I am going to be one of the lucky ones.  I will be done in 6 months"...  wow!. 

[[He...]]

 

Hey, let's all try to think of this long long time frame as the parameters within which we might still see more healing instead of thinking that another year is another year as bad as the past one, because that just ain't true!

 

This is so very true!! Even in the midst of my feeling crappy today and full of fear, I realize that I would have called this a "light wave" last year...and probably would have rated it neutral. That is amazing to me!! Now, compared to my current baseline, I would rate it about a negative times 10.

 

My baseline feels so good, so normal, so content.  2015 will bring more of this to all of us!

[[Wi...]]

So I have a question for my "crew" here.  Now that you are not in the very earliest of acute w/d, are your waves fairly random or is there a connection to an upsurge of stress?

[[li...]]

 

Hey, let's all try to think of this long long time frame as the parameters within which we might still see more healing instead of thinking that another year is another year as bad as the past one, because that just ain't true!

 

This is so very true!! Even in the midst of my feeling crappy today and full of fear, I realize that I would have called this a "light wave" last year...and probably would have rated it neutral. That is amazing to me!! Now, compared to my current baseline, I would rate it about a negative times 10.

 

My baseline feels so good, so normal, so content.  2015 will bring more of this to all of us!

 

Healing, very well said! I have felt like this all day -- wavy. But you are so right about the extent of the depth of it. Here is the one catch for me...When I start to get upset about how long I have been dealing with this w/d crap ( and probably feeling sorry for myself I must admit) I start to get really depressed about it. So I guess I have to learn to just accept this and move on. Anyway today is the real first day I have felt depression in a while and that fact makes me even more depressed if that makes sense? So I guess I will just take care of myself and pray that tomorrow is just a new day. Sept 19, 2014 was my jump date. Was this all worth it -- since I am in a bit of a wave I will question it all but I know that the fight was well worth it. Well just here and sending my love to all of you.

 

Life

[[He...]]

Hi WWW,

Yes, yes, and yes.    My waves are foremost connected with my hormones.  I started noticing the pattern about 4 months off, my worst waves were always hitting me a day or two before my period started.  I do have some reactivity to stress, but it's not too bad.  Normal stress no longer sets me off, just BIG stressors....and the ones I have dealt with would cause anyone to be freaked out, so it's hard to tell what's w/d and what's normal.  I will also get some random waves thrown in on occasion, but not as many as I used to.

 

The one thing that is different about my waves, now, at 18 months, is that they are shorter and less intense.  As much as my wave was awful today, I realize that I would have called it a "neutral day" last year. 

 

How are your waves?  Have they changed?

[[li...]]

Drew.  You are a beacon of positive . .. Yep the good days are so much sweeter than I ever knew . I used to just take it for granted that most days were good good days,barring the random curve balks that throws your way. The things that happen ...and then you get over them . The unpredictability of w/d has definitely made me treasure and savor the simplest of things like being able to go to my grandsons' classrooms to volunteer without giving it a second thought. Just waking up without head pressure and swaying is a reason to be happy. A day without intrusI've death/dying and health fears is a day to rejoice. .. The fact that I have come through this without reinstating is unbelievable. It is only due to the information and support found on this site that I got through even tapering.

. ..HH... your tapering/jump was much like mine. I didn't experience any real w/d sx until about 6/8 weeks out month 4 was a nightmare from the seventh level of hell.  what a surprise. At week 5 I was thinking, " I've got this!.. Easy peasy, I am going to be one of the lucky ones.  I will be done in 6 months"...  wow!.

 

Coop I had the same type of w/d.! I was fine early on and wondering if "that's all?" and then bam. So nice to hear from you and we all must make something good out of all this...  a retreat, a book, Oprah!?

 

Life

[[He...]]

 

Hey, let's all try to think of this long long time frame as the parameters within which we might still see more healing instead of thinking that another year is another year as bad as the past one, because that just ain't true!

 

This is so very true!! Even in the midst of my feeling crappy today and full of fear, I realize that I would have called this a "light wave" last year...and probably would have rated it neutral. That is amazing to me!! Now, compared to my current baseline, I would rate it about a negative times 10.

 

My baseline feels so good, so normal, so content.  2015 will bring more of this to all of us!

 

Healing, very well said! I have felt like this all day -- wavy. But you are so right about the extent of the depth of it. Here is the one catch for me...When I start to get upset about how long I have been dealing with this w/d crap ( and probably feeling sorry for myself I must admit) I start to get really depressed about it. So I guess I have to learn to just accept this and move on. Anyway today is the real first day I have felt depression in a while and that fact makes me even more depressed if that makes sense? So I guess I will just take care of myself and pray that tomorrow is just a new day. Sept 19, 2014 was my jump date. Was this all worth it -- since I am in a bit of a wave I will question it all but I know that the fight was well worth it. Well just here and sending my love to all of you.

 

Life

 

Life,

It's good to hear from you!  I'm sorry that you are hurting today, but you sound SO GOOD now when you post.  So much healing has gone on!! 

This has definitely been worth the fight.  We get our lives back.  What a gift!

Love to you,

HH

[[He...]]

An update on my day: After my frantic morning, my fear has calmed down and I feel fine, with some residual chest tightness remaining. I am headed out to a basketball game and I'm looking forward to it.

What a crazy, crazy ride.

 

Wishing you all a peaceful evening!

[[Wi...]]

Hi WWW,

Yes, yes, and yes.    My waves are foremost connected with my hormones.  I started noticing the pattern about 4 months off, my worst waves were always hitting me a day or two before my period started.  I do have some reactivity to stress, but it's not too bad.  Normal stress no longer sets me off, just BIG stressors....and the ones I have dealt with would cause anyone to be freaked out, so it's hard to tell what's w/d and what's normal.  I will also get some random waves thrown in on occasion, but not as many as I used to.

 

The one thing that is different about my waves, now, at 18 months, is that they are shorter and less intense.  As much as my wave was awful today, I realize that I would have called it a "neutral day" last year. 

 

How are your waves?  Have they changed?

I know for a lot of women that hormones can really make a mess of this for them.  I'm on continuous BC so have no cycle because of horrendous PMS long before w/d. Can't even imagine PMDD and w/d. I really empathise with you.

 

I learned an interesting lesson about some of the morning stuff, for me anyway. I was taking unisom at night and have been for years.  Turns out it can cause night terrors.  As a result I've been experimenting without it and while mornings still are challenging, I think the unisom is contributing to how bad my mornings have been. 

 

But yes for me stress is directly related to how severe most symptoms are.  The low level fear is still a constant tho.  Never can get away from that one.

 

 

WWWI

[[dr...]]

Hey guys n gals...I think my wave broke....had morning anxiety and 5:30 wake up but nothing since then. Did a walk no problems and no obsessive thoughts of death, pounding heart, chest pains, googling symptoms, or heart worries. Also no cycling of fear at all today.  Hope it lasts.  Was afraid to post earlier. 

[[He...]]

Hey guys n gals...I think my wave broke....had morning anxiety and 5:30 wake up but nothing since then. Did a walk no problems and no obsessive thoughts of death, pounding heart, chest pains, googling symptoms, or heart worries. Also no cycling of fear at all today.  Hope it lasts.  Was afraid to post earlier. 

 

Awesome news!! 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ...

 

I have been alternating between effortless and weathering for several days. The intensity of cycling symptoms followed by periods of release leaves me with the feeling of being disconnected from my surroundings. The benzo lie of relapse is buzzing around like an annoying mosquito that I keep swatting at but missing.

 

The re-emergence of symptoms that have been dormant is unsettling for me and I am feeling my mental and physical stamina being drained. My experience of the non-linearity of my recovery disrupts my sense of coherence.

 

I am in a place of getting my daily chores done and doing a lot what I call just breathing. Going slow and self-calming are the order of my days.

 

Perhaps the long cold that is almost completely gone called on much of my physical resources for a while. No matter, my sense of innate well-being and steadfastness will see me through this stretch of feeling down. It always does.

 

I am reading your posts and holding your stories in my heart as best I can. This feeling of being disconnected disrupts my sense of focus and feels isolating.

 

An image that arrived a while ago is sustaining for me. Holding it in my imagination is soothing.

 

Many, many candles ... all different sizes and colors ... all of them lit and shining their healing light into the individual spaces where we live ... and although the candles are preciously unique ... the flame of each candle is the same ... the light that shows us the way and the warmth that soothes us on our journey ... this flame of life, it always has been, and always will be ... may it be so ...

 

And, this is the season of light ... we have experienced the lessening of light for the past many days ... now the light is growing stronger once again ... the ebb and flow of the seasons ...

 

No matter our circumstances in the moment ... we bless ourselves and each other with the flame of our candle ...

 

Be well ...

 

Michael

 

[[Sk...]]

Hi everybody, impossible to catch up with the thread so I will just post an update and try to take it from here.

 

Brutal moods swings but at least the depression does not stay long, when it's there it's hard though, hard for those around me. My anxiety too is hard to handle.

 

I want to do so much, I forget I am still quite sick. I get tired so easily, but I don't want to miss a thing, a walk, anything. I have missed so much in the last ten years, make it 20 !  But after the first hours before breafast I have not much enery left.

 

I tried to watch Iron Man 3, a couple of nights ago. Mr SKy said I loved Iron Man, but I can't remember. I could not understand a thing of it.

 

BUt yesterday, I watched " Saving Mr BAnks ". THis meant a lot to me. WHen I was in acute, some people I know were meeting up to see it together and I sort of dreamed of being able to do that, so this film reminded me of how far I have come. I enjoyed it, I even understood it !!

 

OK, so now I am going to take my doggy out for a walk. Hope you are all having a better time.

[[He...]]

Good Morning ...

 

I have been alternating between effortless and weathering for several days. The intensity of cycling symptoms followed by periods of release leaves me with the feeling of being disconnected from my surroundings. The benzo lie of relapse is buzzing around like an annoying mosquito that I keep swatting at but missing.

 

The re-emergence of symptoms that have been dormant is unsettling for me and I am feeling my mental and physical stamina being drained. My experience of the non-linearity of my recovery disrupts my sense of coherence.

 

I am in a place of getting my daily chores done and doing a lot what I call just breathing. Going slow and self-calming are the order of my days.

 

Perhaps the long cold that is almost completely gone called on much of my physical resources for a while. No matter, my sense of innate well-being and steadfastness will see me through this stretch of feeling down. It always does.

 

I am reading your posts and holding your stories in my heart as best I can. This feeling of being disconnected disrupts my sense of focus and feels isolating.

 

An image that arrived a while ago is sustaining for me. Holding it in my imagination is soothing.

 

Many, many candles ... all different sizes and colors ... all of them lit and shining their healing light into the individual spaces where we live ... and although the candles are preciously unique ... the flame of each candle is the same ... the light that shows us the way and the warmth that soothes us on our journey ... this flame of life, it always has been, and always will be ... may it be so ...

 

And, this is the season of light ... we have experienced the lessening of light for the past many days ... now the light is growing stronger once again ... the ebb and flow of the seasons ...

 

No matter our circumstances in the moment ... we bless ourselves and each other with the flame of our candle ...

 

Be well ...

 

Michael

 

 

Hi Michael,

I'm glad to read your post, I was thinking about you. I'm in the same place of vascilating between weathering and effortless, it's exhausting when I am in the weathering mode. This cycling must be the last of our bodies sorting themselves out. After an effortless evening, and a good night's sleep, I am back to weathering right now. I'm in a car for a 5-hour road trip. White-knuckling it, trying to deep breathe, trying to unclench my abdominal muscles.

At least I know that this will cycle back down, and thankfully, time spent in effortless outweighs the time spent in weathering.

 

I love the candle vision. I'm clinging to that right now. Healing light.

 

Take care.

[[Fi...]]

Buddies-- I may have to stop posting for awhile.  I thought I was doing my best to write encouraging and supportive posts to people and haven't really been asking for encouragement for myself since I'm starting to get well.  It's healing for me to feel that others are helped by what I have to say.  A couple of people on another thread started sniping at me today, though, when I suggested Cool seek a counsellor--something that helped me and also something I've previously suggested to others.  This reminds me of the mean girls in junior high and it's not good for me.  I still need to steer clear of stress and toxic people.  Please PM me if you want support.

[[Wi...]]

sky

 

I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to miss a thing.  I know the best thing for me would be to keep a balance in my life, including lots of down time.  And yet I find myself pushing the limits constantly.  I just want to be ok and get to do normal things without consideration of the consequences.  But there are always consequences.

 

It's like I want to fly and even tho my cage has certainly gotten bigger, I'm still in a cage.  When things are going well I just want it continue forever.  But it can't and it doesn't.  I lost so much and I want to fill this amazingly big hole.  But I can't and it often feels like I never will. 

 

What a tricky place to be. 

 

WWWI

[[mr...]]

Buddies-- I may have to stop posting for awhile.  I thought I was doing my best to write encouraging and supportive posts to people and haven't really been asking for encouragement for myself since I'm starting to get well.  It's healing for me to feel that others are helped by what I have to say.  A couple of people on another thread started sniping at me today, though, when I suggested Cool seek a counsellor--something that helped me and also something I've previously suggested to others.  This reminds me of the mean girls in junior high and it's not good for me.  I still need to steer clear of stress and toxic people.  Please PM me if you want support.

 

FJ, I wouldn't take it too personally, friend

 

Sometimes in the throws of withdrawal, folks can feel a bit "snappy" -- I think they call it "benzo rage", actually! Anyways, I've both reacted with this and also been reacted to by it in my time here. I just step back and take a break from the thread it occurred, or I'll also shoot an apologetic PM to whoever was offended or hurt by what I said. Oftentimes, I may not be "wrong"...but I'd rather have peace. So, I'll apologize and try to see it through their eyes, or give them the benefit of the doubt. Usually, things settle very quickly afterwards. Many times, the "offendee" also apologizes too...we both realize that we overreacted & such, lol

 

Long story short, lol...it'll blow over soon We like ya, and like having ya around Do what you feel is best for you, of course I just wanted to know that I like ya around

 

Mrs.