12-18 month support

[[Co...]]

Coop, every time I break into tears this far out I know a window is waiting for me. To me it's an emotional release that won't happen in a wave because my emotions are locked up and being held hostage.

The games our brains play..I guess we have to play right back..for now.

[/quote

 

......I hope you are right Beulah... I am at my kitchen table weeping because one of the morning talk show anchors had her baby yesterday..  pictures.  adorable baby. ..The first Pres. Bushe's great grandchild.  .named Poppy after his grandchildren's endearment for him....sob sob sob....lol.....coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... I probably broke the forum last night ... I made a post and it blew up ... never did come back on line until this morning ... Halifax time ...

[[Co...]]

Nova,  I guess even the server gets fed up with the misery and up and down and all around on this forum and needs a night away from time to time.  Carry on Nova.. .coop

[[be...]]

Coop, every time I break into tears this far out I know a window is waiting for me. To me it's an emotional release that won't happen in a wave because my emotions are locked up and being held hostage.

The games our brains play..I guess we have to play right back..for now.

[/quote

 

......I hope you are right Beulah... I am at my kitchen table weeping because one of the morning talk show anchors had her baby yesterday..  pictures.  adorable baby. ..The first Pres. Bushe's great grandchild.  .named Poppy after his grandchildren's endearment for him....sob sob sob....lol.....coop

 

Ahh Coop, it's ok...cry away. You know how we weepy women are..weddings and births..oh my gosh.

Yes, I saw Poppy..a darling baby. Jenna was filling in for Kathie Lee the other day and she was having labor pains after the show.

 

FYI, I read that when women smell a newborn baby it releases happy endorphens in our brains...ahh..I miss the smell.

[[be...]]

Coop ... I probably broke the forum last night ... I made a post and it blew up ... never did come back on line until this morning ... Halifax time ...

 

Yep, I suspected you broke the forum..you little 😈. Good thing you didn't wait till tonight..how would we compare who has the best pizza on "pizza Friday".

[[No...]]

Ooops ... we had pizza Friday on Wednesday ... cataract day ... tonite ... left over meatloaf ... mash and gravy ... and carrots ...

 

For desert ... Sweet Dreams ... in other words, just look at a picture ... 

[[Gr...]]

Green, I don't know how I managed to insert my comment right in the middle of that quote..  Mrs Tech....I am not...hope you see it. . Thinking of you.....coop

 

I found your insert, Coop!

 

Since then I've had two very decent days.  Took my bicycle out, even did some distance.  In fact, the good days are so good, I know I am going to be very  bummed when my coach turns into a pumpkin

[[Sk...]]

I hate changing mood so quickly, but now, I am feeling a little better than before.

 

Earlier, desperation and doom and now, ok. How crazy is that ?

 

So tired though, hard to keep motivated.

 

Coop, I cry for the weirdest things, nothing as nice as a baby. You are in the right place. 

[[Fi...]]

Green--the coach to pumpkin metaphor is one I thought about a lot!

[[mr...]]

Hi buddies

 

I just wanted to re-post this here, in case it can help any of you

 

Keep on moving forward, buddies   Keep fighting YOUR fight, and running YOUR race!  The finish line is inevitable for those who don't quit...

 

Mrs.

 

Hi friends

 

9 months free today!  Continuing onward and watching my healing unfold

 

A brief update can be found here: http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=139727.0

 

Love to you,

 

Mrs.

 

hi mrs,

 

How many sx's do you have left?

 

 

Hiya mrtmeo!

 

From my original list of symptoms? Hmmm...let's see here:

 

Comprehensive list of symptoms experienced along the way (as best I can remember): Panic attacks, feeling on the “verge” of panic (mild & occasional, compared to how it was), “hairline” triggers to panic & fear, intrusive thoughts, generalized anxiety, fear (mild & occasional, compared to how it was), irrational fears (mild & occasional, compared to how it was), health fears (mild & occasional, compared to how it was), travel fears (mild & occasional, compared to how it was), I did not like my husband traveling, I did not like being alone, I did not like storms (mild & occasional, compared to how it was),  sensitivity to “scary” things (i.e. news reports, drama/horror/action movies/TV shows, “bad” news about others’ health, etc) (mild & occasional, compared to how it was), temptation towards agoraphobia, hopelessness, depression, fatigue, tachycardia (mild & occasional, compared to how it was), heavy nausea, watery diarrhea, loose stools, loss of appetite, weight loss, weight gain, “hypoglycemic” type feelings (I was not actually hypoglycemic), dizziness (mild & occasional, compared to how it was), "cog-fog" (mild & getting better each day), D/P / D/R (mild and rare), "boaty” feeling, sensitivity to computer screens, sensitivity to heat, sensitivity to being in the sun, sensitivity to exercise (mild), minor temporary hair loss, felt "feverish" & achey (i.e. "benzo flu"), nail ridges, my digits (fingers/toes) would easily get cold (rare & mild), tremors, shakiness, vibrations sensation (mildly, and only when I eat too much rich food or something silly like that!), sleep disturbances (very mild & intermittent), early wakings (very mild & intermittent), some difficulty falling asleep (very mild & intermittent), sweating (rare), sweating that was smelly, missed a couple menstruation cycles, irritability (mild & occasional, compared to how it was), intensified PMS cycle (rare), my menstruation cycle changed and got longer (from 29-32 days long, to 39-44 days long) <-- my menstruation cycle is completely back to normal now, cycling every 29-32 days like clockwork!)

 

I think that sounds about right!    EVERYTHING I experience now is VERY mild compared to how it was in the past!  Nonetheless, I look forward to future progress (as we all do), and will press onward to complete this journey back to 100% normal, with nothing missing or broken from pre-benzo years   It may take time and effort on my part, and I am aware of this   And I'm looking forward to doing my part to see it through to its (benzo withdrawal's) end!

 

Mrs.

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning ... looks like the server was down again ...

 

Slept some, woke up okay ... went out for a walk and had what seems like an agoraphobic response ... started as I left the apartment ... kept going, but it was an ugly walk ... bloat, anxiety, wobbly knees, short of breath ... yuk ... and the head pressure has landed ...

 

This seems a bit nuts ... oh well ... can't get a refund ... 

 

Nova, I know exactly what you are talking about.  I have had that ugly walk.  suppressing the desire to freak out.  unable to look at the other walkers?  paranoia?  and feeling very unsafe, like I need to get home as quickly as possible. plus all of the other physical symptoms.

 

Friend, there is no one on this planet who could understand what you went through going on a simple walk, which you've been doing all of your life.  can't make this stuff up.  thank God for BB

 

and I'm sorry that you're having that kind of day.  those days, those symptoms, are very upsetting.  Hoping this passes for you quickly.  These are unbelievably challenging days.

[[Gr...]]

Green--the coach to pumpkin metaphor is one I thought about a lot!

 

Feels like I'm living in a fairy tale, none of this feels real, now does it?  Hope it's over by the time I run out of metaphors.

[[Gr...]]

Hello, everyone. 

 

seems like we're all in the same place.  crazy bad walks, bursting into tears, fatigue, bland diets!

 

I will report I have had two good days, better days.  not windows.  I don't get that.  feeling significantly better, very few mental symptoms.  still falling asleep 4-5 a.m., sleeping until 3.  that's 10 hours.  waking up as close to normal as I've seen so far.  feeling droopy, a little fogged out, but able to do things around the house that have defeated me since this storm started.  And then around 6 pm I'm seeing a small window, to go out and ride my bike.  I feel a little tired, but it's a tired I can push through.  We all know the difference.  there's tired that you def don't push through.

 

when I get that 'good time' in the evening, I could clean, I could go food shopping. no.  i'm going to ride a bike or go to a show.  otherwise I can't stand this misery. 

 

I'm wondering if the Immunocal and Corvalen is helping.  I can't tell.  I do feel more 'sound of mind and body'?  could just be feeling better. 

 

I always hesitate to post when feeling better if others are suffering.  but I think we should post better days, as well.

 

feel better, everyone. 

[[Co...]]

Hello, everyone. 

 

seems like we're all in the same place.  crazy bad walks, bursting into tears, fatigue, bland diets!

 

I will report I have had two good days, better days.  not windows.  I don't get that.  feeling significantly better, very few mental symptoms.  still falling asleep 4-5 a.m., sleeping until 3.  that's 10 hours.  waking up as close to normal as I've seen so far.  feeling droopy, a little fogged out, but able to do things around the house that have defeated me since this storm started.  And then around 6 pm I'm seeing a small window, to go out and ride my bike.  I feel a little tired, but it's a tired I can push through.  We all know the difference.  there's tired that you def don't push through.

 

when I get that 'good time' in the evening, I could clean, I could go food shopping. no.  i'm going to ride a bike or go to a show.  otherwise I can't stand this misery. 

 

I'm wondering if the Immunocal and Corvalen is helping.  I can't tell.  I do feel more 'sound of mind and body'?  could just be feeling better. 

 

I always hesitate to post when feeling better if others are suffering.  but I think we should post better days, as well.

 

feel better, everyone. 

 

.....Green, please ...please keep posting your good days... .we all take so much hope and encouragement when we read that someone is kicking a wave, feeling g better, making progress, doing something they love. It's like reading a mini success story.....I absolutely love it that you are feeling better and got your bike out. ....We are inching our way out of hell. ...We are getting there..  and hearing that someone else is having a good day is like illuminaria  lighting the way.....So happy for you Green...

.....My good days have a similar pattern... yucky wake up, a few hours of fatigue and acute like sx......and then ( if I am lucky) a window opens.....I want so much more, but I will take what I can get. ....My afternoon is definitely better, I am no longer sobbing over Jenna Bush's baby... ( although there is probably reason to cry ..  being the grandchild of G. W. Bush is not going to be easy....apology if I have offended anyone)  . I caught a little energy, I ate some scrambled eggs without pain, the health fears are not screaming....just quiet constant background noise....not an effortless mind day....not really even a window, but a pretty good day considering. 

  Wish we were all done with this.......10 hours of sleep is unbelievable Green..  tell me more about the supplement that you are taking.......Hope you get to a show tonight.....coop

[[Si...]]

Hi everyone. Not anything exciting to report here. Went to bed at 10:30 last night and past out right away since I didn't sleep the night before. Sleep right through pretty much until my alarm went of at 7:15. I usually have some depression after sleeping for some reason. Had a very busy day at work, but got s lot done. Still having revving head symptoms. My one night off has brought back my insomnia feers. I was just getting to the point where I wasn't worrying as much about it.

 

Green, I'm always glad to hear of anyone on here feeling better or at least doing something normal.

 

Nova, hope your wife's eye heals quickly.

 

Mrs congrats on the 9 months!

[[Co...]]

Siggy, many of us who are close to the 2 year mile marker still wake up with some sx yuk such as depressionn, anxiety, intrusive thoughts or d/r. I still get anxiety when I first wake up, but it is not as intense or as long lasting as in the first year. It usually lifts after I have been up for a little while. Your morning depression will heal right along with everything else....just give it a little more time. ....Yay for some decent sleep!....I was wide awake until 330 and up for the day at 530.  Pretty tired today...that's unusual for me, I usually get at least 4.5 and often 5/6....

.....I think you are really doing great Siggy...As the months go along and get closer to month 18 ...19....20 things should be looking like even more healing.....Wishing you a good weekend.  with good sleep.....coop

[[BJ...]]

This is by far the worst I've felt since acute here in Month 15.  Anxiety is through the roof into another galaxy.  I've got my breathing somewhat managed.  I don't know where this has come from.  Ever since taking the Zyrtec for three days straight I haven't been right.  Has anyone else had a similar experience with horrific anxiety coming out of nowhere this far out?  It's been well over a year since I've felt this bad.  I'm praying this resolves soon.

[[Gr...]]

Hello, everyone. 

 

seems like we're all in the same place.  crazy bad walks, bursting into tears, fatigue, bland diets!

 

I will report I have had two good days, better days.  not windows.  I don't get that.  feeling significantly better, very few mental symptoms.  still falling asleep 4-5 a.m., sleeping until 3.  that's 10 hours.  waking up as close to normal as I've seen so far.  feeling droopy, a little fogged out, but able to do things around the house that have defeated me since this storm started.  And then around 6 pm I'm seeing a small window, to go out and ride my bike.  I feel a little tired, but it's a tired I can push through.  We all know the difference.  there's tired that you def don't push through.

 

when I get that 'good time' in the evening, I could clean, I could go food shopping. no.  i'm going to ride a bike or go to a show.  otherwise I can't stand this misery. 

 

I'm wondering if the Immunocal and Corvalen is helping.  I can't tell.  I do feel more 'sound of mind and body'?  could just be feeling better. 

 

I always hesitate to post when feeling better if others are suffering.  but I think we should post better days, as well.

 

feel better, everyone. 

 

.....Green, please ...please keep posting your good days... .we all take so much hope and encouragement when we read that someone is kicking a wave, feeling g better, making progress, doing something they love. It's like reading a mini success story.....I absolutely love it that you are feeling better and got your bike out. ....We are inching our way out of hell. ...We are getting there..  and hearing that someone else is having a good day is like illuminaria  lighting the way.....So happy for you Green...

.....My good days have a similar pattern... yucky wake up, a few hours of fatigue and acute like sx......and then ( if I am lucky) a window opens.....I want so much more, but I will take what I can get. ....My afternoon is definitely better, I am no longer sobbing over Jenna Bush's baby... ( although there is probably reason to cry ..  being the grandchild of G. W. Bush is not going to be easy....apology if I have offended anyone)  . I caught a little energy, I ate some scrambled eggs without pain, the health fears are not screaming....just quiet constant background noise....not an effortless mind day....not really even a window, but a pretty good day considering. 

  Wish we were all done with this.......10 hours of sleep is unbelievable Green..  tell me more about the supplement that you are taking.......Hope you get to a show tonight.....coop

 

Coop, you always manage to make me laugh out loud.  I'm on the same side of the political aisle as you, but I'm stern about leaving wives and children OUT OF IT.  I wish the press and all politicians followed that rule, too.  I didn't know Jenna Bush had a baby, how nice. 

 

Yes, I'm also catching a nice break later in the day. (for a while it was pretty bad, no breaks)  I think what I just came out of had to be a wave.  It was intense. 

 

When these waves break and I feel a little better, I start to thinking is this it, is it over now, are the waves finished?

 

Glad you have some breaks later in the day.  Sorry you can't have a decent meal.  That really stinks.  We get few/no pleasures in withdrawal.

 

The product i'm taking is Immunocal, it's whey protein.  I think the company is Immunotec.  It's for energy.  I don't know yet if it's really working.  I'm still wobbly, but when I get my couple of good hours later in the day I seem to be stronger, with more stamina.  I don't know if it's the product or my energy is returning on it's own.

And the other is Corvalen by Douglas Labs. 

These two products are recommended in the CFS community for help with energy.  the whey protein is supposed to be a precursor to glutathione. 

[[Gr...]]

Hi everyone. Not anything exciting to report here. Went to bed at 10:30 last night and past out right away since I didn't sleep the night before. Sleep right through pretty much until my alarm went of at 7:15. I usually have some depression after sleeping for some reason. Had a very busy day at work, but got s lot done. Still having revving head symptoms. My one night off has brought back my insomnia feers. I was just getting to the point where I wasn't worrying as much about it.

 

Green, I'm always glad to hear of anyone on here feeling better or at least doing something normal.

 

Nova, hope your wife's eye heals quickly.

 

Mrs congrats on the 9 months!

 

Sig, that depression on wakeup is a symptom, believe it or not.  It will leave after a while.  try to pay it no mind, if possible.  It left me, and I'm so glad.  Morning dreads, I used to call them.  gone.

 

and yes, I'm feeling a lot better.  a couple of days ago I couldn't ride that bike for love or money.  I'm riding, and even racking up some miles.  I don't know how long it will last, but it's proof healing happens.  and on any one of these days, it will last.

 

Hang in there.

[[Co...]]

This is by far the worst I've felt since acute here in Month 15.  Anxiety is through the roof into another galaxy.  I've got my breathing somewhat managed.  I don't know where this has come from.  Ever since taking the Zyrtec for three days straight I haven't been right.  Has anyone else had a similar experience with horrific anxiety coming out of nowhere this far out?  It's been well over a year since I've felt this bad.  I'm praying this resolves soon.

 

....BJ.....so sorry....believe me, this will pass....and yes ...I had a tsunami wave in May...so at about month 16/17....I felt like I had been thrown right back into intense acute. It turned my world upside down and sent me running  to at least 3 doctor's appointments. My anxiety was 24/7....my health fears multiplied by 100, d/r returned, dizziness returned , agoraphobia came back, and I picked up a brand new sx....reflux.....Things are so so much better now at month 21...For me it was a 3 month wave, having said that the entire 3 months was not as intense or as constant as it was when it hit....It sems thatany of us get hit hit with one last horrible wave somewhere between months 15 and 18 ...give or take. Keep your eye on month 18 ...there seems to be a shift somewhere around that timeframe....sx are still present , but breaks come along a little more often, things feel like they are healing and some sx drop off ..  ( they might come back from time to time)... Around month 19/20 many of my sx dropped away or lessened considerably....but I was left with a couple of persistent big sx....health fear  and anxiety.  And I picked up the said reflux..  so for me, it almost feels like a completely different process.  The big change for me is knowing without a doubt that healing is happening and I will get my life back....even though I still have sx... In month 20 I went to 2 full days of wedding events for my daughter's wedding and I was lucky enough to be in a window 90% of of that time

.....You are in a tough place right now..  it won't last. The entire goal is to survive until it passes. Try not to fight it or push too hard through it..  ...It gets better again.....Wishing you some sunbreaks .....coo

[[Co...]]

Green, ...thanks for the info.  I think I am going to try the whey .... wonder what it will do to my belly...did you have any gi issues with it?.... ..Green....you are sounding so good..  I know what you mean about holding your breath after each good or better day..  hoping it lasts.  hoping this is the exit from hell, but afraid to think it because each time the pumpkin rolls up the next day..  back to being shoeless and mired in drudgery....with a bunch of cackling voices yammering

.....We are so close Green, our ' forever' window and our normal lives are right around the corner.  ...Hope you are at a show right now...  .coop

[[BJ...]]

Thanks for the reply, Cooperten.  Thankfully the weekend is here so I don't have work to worry about.  I just need to find a way to relax, though it seems impossible right now.

[[Gr...]]

http://images.all-free-download.com/images/graphiclarge/roses_flower_love_214264.jpg

 

 

[move]HAPPY 21ST ANNIVERSARY TO GREEN!!  YAY!![/move]

[[Si...]]

Thanks everyone for the nice words. Some days the depression goes away and some days it decides it wants to beat me down. I know the low vit d I have can also contribute to depression. I'm now in my second week of prescription vit d. It can take a few months to get the levels back to normal. I was afraid I wouldn't sleep last night, but ended up being ok. Just woke up a bunch of times. We baked a small turkey breast the other night, so I've been eating that for a few days.

 

BJ it does seem like a lot of us get hit around this 15 / 16 month mark. Just try and take it easy this weekend.

[[...]]

This is by far the worst I've felt since acute here in Month 15.  Anxiety is through the roof into another galaxy.  I've got my breathing somewhat managed.  I don't know where this has come from.  Ever since taking the Zyrtec for three days straight I haven't been right.  Has anyone else had a similar experience with horrific anxiety coming out of nowhere this far out?  It's been well over a year since I've felt this bad.  I'm praying this resolves soon.

 

 

....BJ.....so sorry....believe me, this will pass....and yes ...I had a tsunami wave in May...so at about month 16/17....I felt like I had been thrown right back into intense acute. It turned my world upside down and sent me running  to at least 3 doctor's appointments. My anxiety was 24/7....my health fears multiplied by 100, d/r returned, dizziness returned , agoraphobia came back, and I picked up a brand new sx....reflux.....Things are so so much better now at month 21...For me it was a 3 month wave, having said that the entire 3 months was not as intense or as constant as it was when it hit....It sems thatany of us get hit hit with one last horrible wave somewhere between months 15 and 18 ...give or take. Keep your eye on month 18 ...there seems to be a shift somewhere around that timeframe....sx are still present , but breaks come along a little more often, things feel like they are healing and some sx drop off ..  ( they might come back from time to time)... Around month 19/20 many of my sx dropped away or lessened considerably....but I was left with a couple of persistent big sx....health fear  and anxiety.  And I picked up the said reflux..  so for me, it almost feels like a completely different process.  The big change for me is knowing without a doubt that healing is happening and I will get my life back....even though I still have sx... In month 20 I went to 2 full days of wedding events for my daughter's wedding and I was lucky enough to be in a window 90% of of that time

.....You are in a tough place right now..  it won't last. The entire goal is to survive until it passes. Try not to fight it or push too hard through it..  ...It gets better again.....Wishing you some sunbreaks .....coo

 

 

Hi everyone,

 

Firstly I must say this post helped me a lot Coop, even though it was for BJames. It means so much to have people who are further ahead to give some insight to what is happening. If I'm not making sense it's because I am not having an 'efffortless mind day'.

 

I have not had much time to post this week as I've been busy (struggling) at work and then mid week had some 1st year exam results stress with my daughter. All really good apart from one that we are having a remark because it doesn't seem right. I had to take a days leave on thursday as she was distraught and needed her Mum. I think all this has taken it's toll on me now as all the worry about her is so magnified. She is fine now but it's not that easy when you're in wd. My anxiety today is bad and I feel like I want to cry in a corner. This is just crazy; so many parents go through this and all I want to do is be a normal Mum and be strong and supportive to my kid instead of feeling like normal life situations just knock me for six, wipe me out, sending my mind to scary places.

 

I'm so sorry you are suffering too Drew and don't blame you for taking a break. I do think this is a critical time in recovery and just to say again that Bristol TP has many,many people they support at this stage 15,16,17 months - all having a shit shower with full force.

 

Nova, I read you are up and down, however you continue to write such inspiring words amongst your suffering. Also lovely to read you were supporting your wife too though her procedure. You are getting there 

 

I am going to go for a crappy walk before I go food shopping. Either that or spend the whole day in my room surviving because I'm too fatigued to do the normal household chores that we would just do without effort. I do know for now I CAN put one foot in front of the other and just ignore other people and focus on the nature.

 

Sorry for the whiny post