12-18 month support

[[dr...]]

Green ... don't count on the mail ... I am sending it pony express ... this really cute guy rides his horse to New York once a week ...

 

Yep ... I don't know what any of this means ... other than we are getting better ... and I know that is true because I read it on the back of a cereal box ...

 

Went for a three hour walk this morning ... in general felt like crap ... and there were good moments ... so ... sitting on my duff or walking?, a no brainer ...

 

This past weekend really got under my finger nails ... and twisted a bit ... so ... onward and upward ... 

 

Good for you.  I am waiting for the cute cowboy.  Although, in withdrawal, I don't have much use for cute cowboys!   I will snatch my mail and slam the agoraphobic door in his face. 

 

Omg green!!!  You made me crack up.

 

 

Oh well...today is now a doozy. My late afternoon glutamate storm is here. Can't think, brain weird, and all the other fun stuff. Off to meditate.

[[Fi...]]

Okay, you guys are all discussing panic attacks and I would be very happy if you would weigh in on my situation and tell me--is this an anxiety attack?  Here's what happens every time--it starts with a pain on the left side of my back and it's like my chest clutches up.  The pain runs up to my right jaw, which is of course freaky since that's usually included in the descriptions of heart attacks.  I feel like my body is suddenly flooded with the scary chemicals that just make you feel awful.  They can run from five minutes to my longest, which was a half hour.

 

The weird part is that these almost always happen when I'm doing really well, never when I'm in any kind of panicky situation or even under stress.  The longest one hit in the parking lot of the park at Hanalei Bay after floating around all afternoon in bliss.  Drew--you know right where I'm talking about, right?

 

Anyway, in withdrawal, the first one of these hit just a few days after I cold turkeyed the Xanax.  I was sleeping alone because of my insomnia issues.  It was the worst one ever--my entire torso just cramped up.  The weird part though, is that my thought was--I know what this is!  Wow! I really am addicted to Xanax.  Because the thing is, I'd had this three or four times in the previous years.  I never told my docs, only my husband.  I had them infrequently enough that I remember where each and every attack occurred--at the drinking fountain at the gym, at my office desk, just sitting on the sofa talking to my husband.  Of course how did I deal with it?  I'd take a Xanax!  And then I'd be fine so I thought that proved it was "all in my head."  Now of course I'm thinking this was a sign of tolerance and it was just Xanax saying, "Hey, take more of me!  It's been too long!"

 

So, in a way, when this happened after going on the Xanax, I was thrilled.  Felt like I'd figured it out and now I  wouldn't have these anymore.  Because I'm so overthetop about this and have always kept charts, I can look and see where I had these in past years.  I called it "weird back pain" because of course I never had any concept of a panic attack.  Certainly never had this happen before I took Xanax. 

 

So I keep looking forward to these being gone.  I had three bad ones in the fall of 2013 when I first went off, then it didn't happen again until February.  I think the intensity of them is diminishing and they never last more than five or ten minutes.  As you all know, when you feel like you're having a heart attack, that is way too long.  I keep thinking I'm done with them since I'm pretty much symptom free, but I had another one about two weeks ago, which came six weeks after the previous one.  Five minutes and then I went on to have a most excellent day.

 

So, are these panic attacks?  I always made a point of NOT panicking.  Never went to the ER because I knew it would be gone by the time I got there anyway and there'd be nothing to show them.  I very much look forward to having these completely in the rear view mirror and of course every once in awhile I worry I have something completely unrelated to Xanax.  But then I remember the history--never having this before Xanax and how it was so intense as soon as I quit--and I think that WD is the likely explanation here.

 

So--you guys are the experts.  Are these panic attacks?  Have some of you seen them diminish?  I first joined the board because I thought what Healing Hope was describing sounded like this, but later she said, meh, not so much.  So, what do you think?  Thanks.

[[dr...]]

Sounds like a panic attack.  It seems the pain is what sets them off and then your fight or flight kicks in.  Maybe your body now associated that pain w that panic sensation and keeps repeating it. Does it feel like your going to die with that initial rush?  My hr skyrockets, tummy drops out, shaking, etc,...

 

A panic attack in itself isn't really long. As nova mentions, when you feed the fear and start worrying about having them is when the trouble starts.

 

Yes...I miss that bay.

[[Fi...]]

Oh, yeah, Drew.  I feel like death is imminent.  But somehow my brain has always done a good job of overriding that physical sensation.  I just lie down on my heating pad, try to breathe deep and NOT exacerbate the whole thing.  Of course it's nice when my husband is there to keep saying, "It's just the chemicals, it'll be over soon,"  but I've ridden out many of them by myself.  I just find them EXTREMELY UNPLEASANT and want to stop having them for good!  Maybe it doesn't even look that dramatic when it's happening because once I had one in my mother's presence.  I had always feared this as I thought she'd call 911.  I had driven her to the next town to shop for dishes for her new apartment.  Since we'd arrived safely and had no problem parking, it wasn't like anything was going wrong.  But this started happening.  My mother started yelling at me to breathe deep.  I said between clenched teeth, "I AM breathing deep."  Then she said, "Okay, well, I'm going in to start looking for dishes.  I love you, honey."  Ha!  Guess I didn't look that distressed!

[[dr...]]

That's them. That's what I went on the benzos for. Funny...I don't even fear them anymore but now I'm a hot mess with everything else.  Ugh.

I can fake out most people. I've died hundreds of times in front of clients and dates. 

 

I think I got glutened.  Tried being careful at Chinese but alas...they gots me. I went to drink yogi stomach ease tea and that has gluten. Grrr.  Ginger tea w lemon for me.  I'm ready to write today off as another one in the books. 

[[Fi...]]

Drew--see, for me these things have been like one every two months or so.  I REALLY feel for you if these hit on a daily basis.  It sucks big time.

[[Gr...]]

Nova, thank you.  I passed everything along in an email.  now the ball is in his court. 

 

cowboy.  I've got Bon Jovi's Dead or Alive playing over and over.  r u getting even for Rawhide?

 

Feel better, everyone.

 

and Sky, beaches are overrated because the sharks are biting!

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... another night of stilted sleep ... short and messy ...

 

Oh Well ... a good walking day once the sun comes up ... 

[[Ko...]]

FJ,

 

Sounds to me like its a panic attack. Does your heart race too? If you're still having them it's probably residual withdrawal stuff that you'll probably have for awhile.  I'm glad they don't happen often and your enjoying life.

 

Thanks for your input on pain.  I agree with everything you said. I had decided to just try to go without aspirin or Advil.  I use ice for pain or a hot shower. You're right the pain meds don't really help the nerve pain.

 

Thank you for sticking with us even though you've basically healed. I always appreciate your very useful comments. You're a good person.

[[...]]

FJ, these do sound like mini panics and probably residual sx. The best is that you don’t take a pill like you used to do  and they will eventually disappear. It sounds like your brain is continuing to heal and possibly your tolerance to stress is still a bit wobbly. Having long stretches of feeling 100% is what you need to focus on. All well and good from me who had reasonable day yesterday and now today Arghhhh. I’m trying my hardest to accept and not freak out

[[...]]

Hi everyone,

 

Got through my first day back at work with anxiety and irritated nerves but all in all I have had so much worse days. Had a dental appointment (a crown) with numbing. Today is a difficult one rigid neck and top of back, other painful muscles especially shoulders and arms, fatigue, however anxiety has come down and head pressure is a 5, didn’t have any yesterday until after dental procedure 

 

All this we have to endure day in day out, month after month truly is at times a living hell and even though I would not wish any of this anyone I am so reassured that we all have similar sx . THEY WILL ALL GO AWAY.

Just imagine a life without this crap.

 

[[be...]]

Okay, you guys are all discussing panic attacks and I would be very happy if you would weigh in on my situation and tell me--is this an anxiety attack?  Here's what happens every time--it starts with a pain on the left side of my back and it's like my chest clutches up.  The pain runs up to my right jaw, which is of course freaky since that's usually included in the descriptions of heart attacks.  I feel like my body is suddenly flooded with the scary chemicals that just make you feel awful.  They can run from five minutes to my longest, which was a half hour.

 

The weird part is that these almost always happen when I'm doing really well, never when I'm in any kind of panicky situation or even under stress.  The longest one hit in the parking lot of the park at Hanalei Bay after floating around all afternoon in bliss.  Drew--you know right where I'm talking about, right?

 

Anyway, in withdrawal, the first one of these hit just a few days after I cold turkeyed the Xanax.  I was sleeping alone because of my insomnia issues.  It was the worst one ever--my entire torso just cramped up.  The weird part though, is that my thought was--I know what this is!  Wow! I really am addicted to Xanax.  Because the thing is, I'd had this three or four times in the previous years.  I never told my docs, only my husband.  I had them infrequently enough that I remember where each and every attack occurred--at the drinking fountain at the gym, at my office desk, just sitting on the sofa talking to my husband.  Of course how did I deal with it?  I'd take a Xanax!  And then I'd be fine so I thought that proved it was "all in my head."  Now of course I'm thinking this was a sign of tolerance and it was just Xanax saying, "Hey, take more of me!  It's been too long!"

 

So, in a way, when this happened after going on the Xanax, I was thrilled.  Felt like I'd figured it out and now I  wouldn't have these anymore.  Because I'm so overthetop about this and have always kept charts, I can look and see where I had these in past years.  I called it "weird back pain" because of course I never had any concept of a panic attack.  Certainly never had this happen before I took Xanax. 

 

So I keep looking forward to these being gone.  I had three bad ones in the fall of 2013 when I first went off, then it didn't happen again until February.  I think the intensity of them is diminishing and they never last more than five or ten minutes.  As you all know, when you feel like you're having a heart attack, that is way too long.  I keep thinking I'm done with them since I'm pretty much symptom free, but I had another one about two weeks ago, which came six weeks after the previous one.  Five minutes and then I went on to have a most excellent day.

 

So, are these panic attacks?  I always made a point of NOT panicking.  Never went to the ER because I knew it would be gone by the time I got there anyway and there'd be nothing to show them.  I very much look forward to having these completely in the rear view mirror and of course every once in awhile I worry I have something completely unrelated to Xanax.  But then I remember the history--never having this before Xanax and how it was so intense as soon as I quit--and I think that WD is the likely explanation here.

 

So--you guys are the experts.  Are these panic attacks?  Have some of you seen them diminish?  I first joined the board because I thought what Healing Hope was describing sounded like this, but later she said, meh, not so much.  So, what do you think?  Thanks.

 

FJ- Very interesting, this is what I call panic by association. I remember my first panic attack, about 20 yrs. ago I was driving home from my parents house, we had just had lunch together. I had a half drive back home and while driving on the freeway my stomach started cramping really badly..I felt trapped and filled with panic because my pain level was so high and I had to keep driving.

I starting sweating and breathing heavy..felt like I was going to pass out. I managed to get to the nearest exit and call my husband to get me.

My stomach continued to hurt for another day and I figured out it was the lunch I had eaten.

I had never been scared to drive freeways before this incident..but developed panic because of it.

It's kind of which came first..the chicken or the egg.

 

Now fast forward years later to xanax withdrawal...totally different panic attacks. Out of the blue at home I would get fast heartbeat, shortness of breath, hyperventilating and numb..no pain..just freaked  out by it all. The panic continued throughout the wd gradually fizzing out the further out I got.

One day I had to drive the freeway while still in withdrawal because an emergency came up. I could feel a panic coming on and felt like I was going to pass out.. I pulled my car over to the side of the road and passed out from hyperventilating...it was so scary. I'm sure I was out only a few seconds but I was fine when I came to. I continued driving.. still felt a little panic but was able to reach my destination feeling relieved. Called the husband again to come get me.

 

All of this was getting to much for me to handle..so I retired myself from driving for two years.

After my healing from withdrawal I was able to drive anywhere anytime without panic..but a low level of fear about it followed me for years.

 

Now, this withdrawal..have not drove for 2 years..not because of panic..but the fear of panic returning and muscle issues.

 

I think panic comes in all forms and ranges of severity...but one thing I know for sure..a person stands a very good chance of developing panic while in withdrawal from benzos.

 

While I know that I will drive again without fear of panic..it's just a shame this had to happen again.

I think in time your panic will leave..but you will have to figure out which comes first..the chicken or the egg.

 

 

 

 

[[be...]]

Good Morning ... another night of stilted sleep ... short and messy ...

 

Oh Well ... a good walking day once the sun comes up ... 

 

Sorry about the broken sleep. A nice walk sounds good..maybe a little whistle to keep you in step.

Have a good walk.

[[be...]]

Hi everyone,

 

Got through my first day back at work with anxiety and irritated nerves but all in all I have had so much worse days. Had a dental appointment (a crown) with numbing. Today is a difficult one rigid neck and top of back, other painful muscles especially shoulders and arms, fatigue, however anxiety has come down and head pressure is a 5, didn’t have any yesterday until after dental procedure 

 

All this we have to endure day in day out, month after month truly is at times a living hell and even though I would not wish any of this anyone I am so reassured that we all have similar sx . THEY WILL ALL GO AWAY.

Just imagine a life without this crap.

 

 

Marj, I have to say..you are sounding better. Yep, we all have similar symptoms. They say misery loves company. 

I often try to imagine my life without this crap..a dream come true for all of us.

Yes, it will all go away in time.

[[dr...]]

good morning all...I will join nova in the Crappy Sleep Cafe   It really doesn't matter if it's not one thing it's another.  My brain was trying to tell me it's not withdrawal and this is me this am.  Pushing those thoughts out of my brain with self talk.  At work and passing the day.  Hope everyone does ok today.

[[Fi...]]

Marj, Beaulah and Korbe--thanks for your panic attack stories and Korbe, thank you especially for your kind words.  I'm glad you're not offended by the idea of NOT taking pain meds.  Sometimes I think people who do take stuff, especially if they're on opioids, feel that somebody suggesting the meds might be making them worse is really saying they don't acknowledge that they have very real pain.  And of course this is not the case at all!

 

Last evening I had call to heed the words of my own little essay on pain.  It was so lovely and cool out, I decided to ditch doing the dishes and get out for some work in the woods.  I'm a little desperate, psychologically, to feel I can get control over everything that's been neglected around here the past three years.  About an hour into this happy work, I disturbed a hornet nest and got four stings as they chased me away.  Now this is always pain with an emotional connection, because after the first sting, you're thinking Okay, okay....I'm leaving already.  Knock it off.  But the little buggers CHASE you. Seriously, sometimes I feel like I can't win for losing!  It was feeling well enough to get out there on the last day of January that landed me with a broken ankle.  This time I was picking my way so carefully, watching where I put each footstep, not wanting to turn my ankle or get into wasps.  This has happened before so really, I was worrying about wasps in the very moments just as they got me.  It wasn't like I was being careless.  So that's how far worrying got me!  Well, I'm taking this as a message from the universe to stay out of the woods until fall when they're done with their business.  It's not like there's not a lot of other things that need my attention!

 

These stings really hurt, but you know, it IS just pain. The nerve stabs keep going for hours.  But it's not a warning.  It's not a sign of a dread disease.  I don't need the doctor.  I put meat tenderizer on the stings and I took a couple of Benadryl.  Since I haven't taken any of that in years, it really knocked me out.  Better this morning.  Now it will probably just itch. 

 

Beaulah--I have a cousin who has a first panic  attack story almost exactly like yours except she was driving on an LA freeway.  Maybe she ran out of gas.  Anyway, she tells me she takes nothing (she's been hearing about my horror show) but to this day, she can't go out and drive like it's no big deal.  And she's the mother of three amazing boys and has a PhD from Stanford in Psychology.  Has run various businesses.  She told me an interesting story about a class she took where they were going  through all the meds for depression and anxiety.  At the end she raised her hand and  said, "What about cognitive behaviour therapy?"  The teacher said, "Oh, yes, that's actually what works best."  And yet no class time was devoted to it!

 

Somebody asked about heart stuff during my attacks.  I think one time when I did put on my cuff during one of these, nothing weird was going on.  I've had a few incidents of racing heart, but separate from these attacks.  Seems like I'm done with that, although when the clinic that did my surgery called saying I should make a three year appointment, it did seem like kind of a post traumatic stress syndrome thing because my heart started racing right out of the gate.  The idea of sitting in a room with the doctor who so casually prescribed my Oxycodone and even doubled my dose at one point......not gonna happen!

 

Well, I'm feeling pretty good this morning, so I guess I'll just see how I might try to get my life back on track without getting into any further trouble!

 

Thanks again for your replies.  Hang in there and very soon you, too, will move into the "trouble with re-entry" phase! :D

[[be...]]

Finally- No class time for CBT..Big Pharma must have paid for his education and training.

[[be...]]

Morning all,

 

I seem to be moving out of the " mother" of all waves. I got really discouraged in my thinking that this shouldn't be happening at 2 yrs. off..little do I know. Since this withdrawal journey began my husband has been by by side and never gone for more than a few hrs. to run errands. The other day when my tsunami of a wave began I asked him if he would spend a couple of days at our daughters..that I needed some alone time for the healing of the wave...and I don't know why. He was concerned and didn't want to leave me alone..but I convinced him that everything would be ok and he could call me when he wanted.

For two days I cried, prayed, cursed, paced, took many baths, played music to soothe my soul.

While I think the alone time helped me I still had the fear of being alone...and not understanding why I need the time..maybe emotional healing ..I don't know.

I don't feel like I came out on top..but I guess I did..I fought for my life..and Won!!!

 

We all know it's not over till it's over...so much truth.  🎶 This is my fight life🎶

 

......Oh, Beulah....dear dear friend....I  so sorry that you got " drug through the thorny wastelands by your hair"..  ..sounds like a dark dark night of the soul. Glad you cried and wailed and gnash ed your teeth.. .W/D really drags us around and the intrusive thoughts and fears re-opens old wounds and grief. If I was in your city I would have brought lavender honey tea and lemon cookies and left them at your door....know that in my mind I did that.  I so sincerely hope this is the infamous tsunami wave before complete healing. I am so glad that you feel like it is spinning itself out.  Much love to you Beulah......coop

 

Coop, In my mind the lavender tea that you dropped off helped move out the acute wave.Thank you!!

[[be...]]

Hey you guys, we had some bad storms here yesterday that blew down a few trees where I live.

My son in law was going this weekend to cut wood for their fireplace and the land owner was charging a hefty price for a cord of wood.

The cleanup crew that came early this morning, I spoke with them and asked what they had planned to do with the trees..they said they are cutting and chipping them. I asked them if I was allowed to have any of the wood..they said I would have to ask the office. I called the office and they said my son in law could take all he wanted..to just get it cleaned up quickly. I called my sil and he left work and is out there cutting free wood now. Mother nature paid it forward!!

 

I did some talking to complete strangers this morning and got something accomplished.Would I have done this a month or two ago...nope ..I would have asked my husband to speak to them, but he was still in bed so I took charge.

It's the small changes that I'm noticing in my healing..sometimes they are so small I don't notice them right away.

 

Small healings over time equal to greater ones down the road.

[[No...]]

Hi Drew ... sitting here wondering why I can't have two passable days in a row ... walked to the grub shop and back early this morning, all okay ... went for another walk a little later and kaboom ... leg cramps ... neck tight like a rock ... and boatiness ... stumbled home ... and I was not whistling ...

 

So ... just hung out this afternoon ...

 

Hope your day evens out ...

[[Gr...]]

Hello, buddies.

 

Beulah, you sound so good.  Your good days and bad days are night and day.  I can actually hear them.  And Nova, they're getting very stingy with the good days!

 

I read everybody's stuff.  I'm going to make a quick post and try to get out for a walk, which has not been happening for some reason, in spite of my best intentions.  this is def a game change from whatever I was dealing with before.  As always, it feels like 1 step fwd and 2 back, they say waves and windows; it always feels like chutes and ladders to me. (FJ)

 

My insomnia has cemented into a new sleeping pattern, operative word is sleep, I am sleeping, and I wasn't before.  I think Korbe and I are on the same page with this.  Sleep is def not happening until morning has started.  that's 8 o'clock a.m. today, until 2 p.m.  and now I'm not so physically fatigued as I am reluctant to "go out there."  it's such a strong aversion to going out, I'd say it was agoraphobia back for a visit, but it's not fear based, because when I have to go, I can go, just not that much.  Maybe it's like the fear of driving, like Beulah described,  because there are times I go out and I feel so bad I have to come limping home (Nova).  (like my citations? )

anyway, it feels like healing, although it's def impacting the very simple life and routine I had eked out.  The healing is I'm sleeping deeply, soundly, and dreaming. I wake up refreshed.  this is huge, I can't ignore this.  (but during late night and early a.m. hours I'm still getting uncomfortable akathisia and revving from cortisol)  then it stops and I'm able to sleep, 8 a.m. And the downside is, this is like working nights, I couldn't show up for anything before 3 p.m. without destroying my day, and I'm not willing to do that

so my story is I work nights, can't do anything early in the day, and I'm settling down to wait this out.

 

I'm so pissed off at big pharma that I'm going to heal so I can be an activist with Korbe, writing letters.  I really want to set cars on fire,  but I think I'm too old for that, lol

 

Have a better day, everyone.  I really need to try to get out today.

[[dr...]]

Green-when does it get easier?

 

My whole morning was and still is chemical anxiety.  Crawling out of my skin and my brain is weird.  These are the days where I retreat home and pull the covers over my head.  Nothing seems to help or change it.  For some reason it always seems to start letting up in early afternoon and I hope today is no different.

 

I decided no retreat yet and am at the gym and will meditate for a bit.  I've had lots of thoughts that this is the real me now(the voice is strong)but then I get hissing in my ear and I've never had that before tapering.  I did take 5mg of propronolol as the racing heart is an added bonus I can do without. 

 

Take care all.

[[...]]

Drew, I'm asking the same questions. All the fears, worries that this will never get better. This is normally my better part of the day (evening), the head pressure is on full throttle and lots of other symptoms. I'm 16 months tomorrow and cant believe this even with all the reassurance. Feel brain dead.

[[Sk...]]

Hey you guys, we had some bad storms here yesterday that blew down a few trees where I live.

My son in law was going this weekend to cut wood for their fireplace and the land owner was charging a hefty price for a cord of wood.

The cleanup crew that came early this morning, I spoke with them and asked what they had planned to do with the trees..they said they are cutting and chipping them. I asked them if I was allowed to have any of the wood..they said I would have to ask the office. I called the office and they said my son in law could take all he wanted..to just get it cleaned up quickly. I called my sil and he left work and is out there cutting free wood now. Mother nature paid it forward!!

 

I did some talking to complete strangers this morning and got something accomplished.Would I have done this a month or two ago...nope ..I would have asked my husband to speak to them, but he was still in bed so I took charge.

It's the small changes that I'm noticing in my healing..sometimes they are so small I don't notice them right away.

 

Small healings over time equal to greater ones down the road.

 

Beulah, that sounds really great.

 

We've got to get that husband of yours to sleep in a little more often then ! 

 

Great to hear you facing the elements, speaking to strangers, 

[[Sk...]]

Hi Drew ... sitting here wondering why I can't have two passable days in a row ... walked to the grub shop and back early this morning, all okay ... went for another walk a little later and kaboom ... leg cramps ... neck tight like a rock ... and boatiness ... stumbled home ... and I was not whistling ...

 

So ... just hung out this afternoon ...

 

Hope your day evens out ...

 

May I join in ? Me too, two passable days in a row, usually means hell to pay.