12-18 month support

[[BJ...]]

I've been dealing with pain for four years, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that nearly all of the pain meds come with consequences, and the more you take them, the more one seems to become more susceptible to pain, which is what you don't want.  Now that I'm off these meds, I still feel the pain, but I seem to be able to manage it better.  Areas in which I felt pain all the time now are desensitized and I feel very little there anymore.  The problematic areas for me I think are strongly related to posture and my neck fusion two years ago, so I'm doing the best I can to get help releasing the fascia in these areas (through various techniques of my own and by specialists) and keeping the muscles relaxed and stretched everyday.  It seems to be working.  This withdrawal process hasn't helped much as I've tended to carry a lot of stress on my shoulders and neck, which only locked the muscles up and made them difficult to keep loose over the withdrawal period.

[[Aq...]]

Well, you can  go read the protracted board, which I started doing a long time a go, but it looks like this group is probably staying right here until healed, so nobody's telling you to sign off!

 

Thank you, my post was meant to be a little tongue in cheek.    So, I am just hanging in there with all of you!

[[Lo...]]

Wow! 1000+ pages!

 

http://www.buildering.net/2011/1000cake.jpg

[[dr...]]

Hi all...my head stuff has reduced down to a minimal amount which is fantastic.  The headache center at UCSF will be able to see me in October.  I am okay with it.  I survived this long with them I am taking the canoe approach of just going with the flow. Not looking to medicate but maybe thay can suggest something I am unaware of.  The wave of late month 14 and now 15 continues on though with the regular interval of glutamate storms in early am, mid morning, and late afternoon.  I really forgot what it is like to have a day of feeling good but I know the deal.  It hits fast and hard like a flick of a switch and then takes about an hour or two to fade.  Not fretting as I'm a seasoned pro at just going about my day with this crap.  Onward.   

[[Gr...]]

I have some thoughts on pain, for what they're worth to anybody.  I came to this whole thing through massive, tortuous pain following total knee replacement surgery.  I'd had a lot of surgeries and broken bones before this, but never pain of this magnitude.  I now think it was because I was on Lexapro and a tiny dose of Xanax, and those combined to block the effects of the narcotics.  I couldn't figure out why I was having to take the maximum doses for so long just to be free of torture while other patients were just shrugging it off.

 

Continual pain is part of opioid withdrawal, and I went through a period of what's called hyperalgesia which means your body has become hyper sensitive to pain.  I had a headache for eight months that came on every day around three.  For several months I was taking the maximum doses of both ibuprofen and Tylenol, just trying for some control over it.  I was able to stop this when I figured out for myself that the pain was partly due to spiking blood pressure.  Getting my BP under control helped with the headache. 

 

As for the continual random aches and pains that we all seem to suffer with benzo withdrawal, I quit taking the OTC meds when I came to understand the bad effects they have on us, plus the fact that they really don't give that much relief, right?

 

I now believe that our brains are wired to deal with pain just as they're wired to deal with anxiety.  We do make our own natural opiates.  I began thinking of it as tolerating the pain just as you'd tolerate the anxiety without popping a benzo, just something you go through while your brain heals itself.  It saves a lot of mental energy to stop casting about for the drug that will fix you without causing side effects, since everything does.  Also, even OTC drugs can produce the same rebound pain as a narcotic.  It makes sense, after all. Your body doesn't know which analgesic has been prescribed and which was over the counter!  For me, my heating pad has been the most reliable source of comfort.  I rarely even take ibuprofen.  I got through my broken ankle in January with just a few doses. 

 

I am coming up on two years off of Xanax and two and a half years off of Oxycodone.  It's been almost three years since the surgery that plunged me into intense physical pain.  Today I felt 100% well.  No physical pain at all. Worked all day in the woods limbing trees.  Healing happens. Our brains and bodies WANT to heal.  When I was younger, I used to feel that any pain I had should be immediately medicated or operated upon. I've done a complete turnaround, realizing that pain is so much more complex.  I now know it's about our brain's wiring and that is something that will heal.

 

For those in pain, hang in there.  It does get better, with time as the only remedy.

 

Thanks FJ, a lot of good information there.

 

I just want to add, I'm certain our endorphins have gone fishing, for those of us in benzo withdrawal, at least.  I read that somewhere, and I know it to be true.  For instance, recently I've been giving in to the need to take my BP   And I notice the cuff of the BP device, when it blows up, causes this pain in my arm.  Now I know what that feels like pre-wd, and it's not painful.  so we def don't have our natural pain fighting endorphins on board.  Even a small amount of gas in my belly feels way over the top.  I remember taking a mild women's laxative early in withdrawal, and the pain had me doubled over.

 

I just wonder how long it takes for our bodies to return to normal.

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning ... "kind of like a dog who crawls into a corner until he feels better" ... bow wow ...

 

Got pretty whacked around with the physical stuff for a couple of days ... just had to wait it out ...

 

Things seemed to have cleared out and now I feel exhausted and hung over ... same old stuff, different weekend ...

 

 

It is Monday ... time for a good long walk ... hope we all have a better day ... 

 

Nova, I'm so glad the physical has passed, glad to see you back.  No, this is not fun.    I have a little blanket in the corner of my room for my dawg days.  Enjoy your walk.  Going to try to take one myself.

[[Gr...]]

Wow! 1000+ pages!

 

http://www.buildering.net/2011/1000cake.jpg

 

Love that cake!  Happy 1000 pages, 12-18.  While I never expected to be here this long, lol, I'm deeply grateful this thread was here.

[[BJ...]]

Hi all...my head stuff has reduced down to a minimal amount which is fantastic.  The headache center at UCSF will be able to see me in October.  I am okay with it.  I survived this long with them I am taking the canoe approach of just going with the flow. Not looking to medicate but maybe thay can suggest something I am unaware of.  The wave of late month 14 and now 15 continues on though with the regular interval of glutamate storms in early am, mid morning, and late afternoon.  I really forgot what it is like to have a day of feeling good but I know the deal.  It hits fast and hard like a flick of a switch and then takes about an hour or two to fade.  Not fretting as I'm a seasoned pro at just going about my day with this crap.  Onward. 

 

I dry needled the headaches right out of me by going after the traps, scm's, and levator scapulas.  It's somewhat unconventional, but got the job done.  You need a good specialist to do that sort of thing, though.  Massage is always preferable, especially if you can do it yourself, of course.

[[dr...]]

Hi all...my head stuff has reduced down to a minimal amount which is fantastic.  The headache center at UCSF will be able to see me in October.  I am okay with it.  I survived this long with them I am taking the canoe approach of just going with the flow. Not looking to medicate but maybe thay can suggest something I am unaware of.  The wave of late month 14 and now 15 continues on though with the regular interval of glutamate storms in early am, mid morning, and late afternoon.  I really forgot what it is like to have a day of feeling good but I know the deal.  It hits fast and hard like a flick of a switch and then takes about an hour or two to fade.  Not fretting as I'm a seasoned pro at just going about my day with this crap.  Onward. 

 

I dry needled the headaches right out of me by going after the traps, scm's, and levator scapulas.  It's somewhat unconventional, but got the job done.  You need a good specialist to do that sort of thing, though.  Massage is always preferable, especially if you can do it yourself, of course.

 

dry needle?  accupuncture?

[[BJ...]]

They're related, but dry needling goes right after the trigger point and disables it immediately.  It can be painful itself to go through, but the relief I got from headaches was worth it to me.  The way to tell if you need it is to simply squeeze these muscles with your fingers.  If the pain is exquisite, then it's highly likely you have them and they need to be deactivated.  We tend to tense up our muscles pretty badly going through withdrawal.  I'm wondering if I have some areas in my face that cause me sinus issues periodically.

[[dr...]]

I don't get the super painful stuff when touching but they definitely lock up.  I can feel them tightening like a vice sometimes.  Literally, I go from being fine to a rock solid neck and lower scalp area in the back of the head.  The massages are a godsend but I am only so wealthy    Today is a good day so far...only some tightness on top of head.

[[Sk...]]

Wow! 1000+ pages!

 

http://www.buildering.net/2011/1000cake.jpg

 

Love that cake!  Happy 1000 pages, 12-18.  While I never expected to be here this long, lol, I'm deeply grateful this thread was here.

 

Neither did I .

 

I kept seeing myself in August, going to the beach and being almost healed.

 

We are a lot closer to healed, make no mistake, but I had had something else in mind. So did wd. 

 

I have had some really nice days, since my arrival.  But, in all this, also lots of painful anxiety, anxiety that grabs my stomach and chest and stops my breathing and just hurts.

 

Yesterday was wavy and I had my first attack of hyperventilation. It was while discussing some anxiety generating topics with mr Sky, I was trying to get my point across and I found myself stuck hyperventilating.

 

Luckily, mr Sky did the right thing and started saying soothing things and hugging me. My doggy rushed in too, trying to give some help as well.

 

Scary, to say the least.

 

But, last time I was here was in April, for Easter and I do see some healing, quite a lot. Can't quite pin it down, but things are a little more focused.

 

I am going to bed shortly, I wish you all a better day full of healing.

[[dr...]]

Yeah..I saw the 1000 page thingy and it depressed me.  Made me think of how I said last year at my birthday that this one would be so much better(sept 28).  Right now it's more of the same.  Blah....

[[Se...]]

We are just experiencing another SNARU ... situation normal, all ramped up ...

 

In Appendix 78 of the Ashton Manual they speak about this late in the game phenomenon ... it is a special little jigger the drug companies build into these drugs to keep people from getting off them ... the SNARU molecule is attached just to the left of the 14th hydrocarbon array ...

 

The molecule is designed to activate in month 15 or 16 so that the RLM-47 step down phase is initiated ... RLM-47 initiates the RIDGAS receptor and creates the recovery experience of the endless looping of symptoms ... (RLM stands for "Really Low Morale" and RIDGAS stands for "Really, I Don't Give A Shit") ...

 

It is all really simple chemistry ... all drug developers learn this in HTSTC 101 class ... (How To Screw The Customer) ...

 

Any normal binary response merely serves to keep the person endlessly looping until they run thru the Red Door kicking and screaming ...

 

The only known antidote for SNARU got lost when they were re-formulating the recipe for Benzo Con Carne ... someone dropped the chit in the sauce and just kept on stirring ...

 

So ... the only thing left to report is ... hope we all have a good evening ... the red door is never locked ... 

 

OMG - lololooool, nova.    Golden. 

 

When our senses of humour reappear, it's marvelous (miraculous), isn't it?  Even though they play hide 'n seek repeatedly during this process.  We'll have them back for good one day.  Guaranteed.

 

Looks like many of us are still getting pounded.  Count me in.  BUT I'm having major awakenings throughout... spiritual awakening, insights I didn't have before... hard to explain.  Exciting, but terrifying at the same time because I've realized my life will never be what it was.  I've changed tack over the past year.  I am a different person now, with a different agenda... my destination uncertain, but this is my journey, I've accepted.  Still sucks the biggie because it's a very unpleasant journey at present, with no detours allowed.

 

You're all in my thoughts & prayers.  Continued good healing to all of us.

 

(ETA:  I really like this support group; it's full of hope, humour, love, positivity and solid, helpful info.  Thanks, everyone.)

 

Serenity 

 

[[No...]]

Good Evening ... I have come to the conclusion that I am far enough along that is doesn't matter how lousy I feel I can just do what I need to do each day ...

 

Throwing away my moping sitting cushion ... seems I don't feel worse if I want to get up and about and do my chores or go walking or whatever ... so I might as well do what I want to do ... for me, seems "doing" does not trigger anything ... so why not? ...

 

I may not feel like it but I will do it anyway ... I have a good idea where my boundaries are now and what does trigger me these days ...  those will be avoided for now ...

 

I reckon this is another sign of where I am at ... a good sign ... attitude is everything for me right now ...

 

So ... onward for now ... 

[[dr...]]

Good news nova....I've had the same feeling about most things.  The exception being the super high strss meetings and heavy exercise.  A drink, a coffee, going to the supermarket doesn't make a damn difference. I can feel crappy at home or crappy sites acting myself somewhere.

 

Had a fun one today...got a true panic attack.  Not the normal high anxiety that ramps into one. I mean I was okay and I got a weird leg sensation and then wham-o!  I'm amazed how quickly my system is wired to react. It literally had to be less than a second.  Rush, brain weird, legs weak, shaking, etc...I just kept walking and let the panic die down.  The bad part was about two minutes.  I didn't feed the fear at all.  Just knew what it was and it took about thirty minutes to get back to my normal for now. That would have sent me reeling in the past. Not even a worrisome event on my radar now.

[[BJ...]]

I haven't had a panic attack in many months.  I don't miss them.  Awful feeling.

[[No...]]

Drew ... unless the lion is really chasing you, and you are on the menu ... panic is just a chemical rush ... and the rush has its own time line for clearing out ... mine is a bit longer, about 50 minutes ... a very individual thing and worth recognizing for oneself ...

 

Many moons ago I found the Claire Weeks books ... a woman from Australia ... taught me that the panic sensation is "safe" ... and when we are grounded and in a clear place mentally we just need to let the chemical rush pass ... or ... I can keep the process going by panicking because of the panic ... and trigger another chemical dump ... and on a bad day doing it over and over again ...

 

Why panic? ... who knows ... ten thousand possibilities ... the only one I have ruled out is that I was not born clonazepam deficient ... 

 

Seems this is part of the "re-entry" stuff ... recognizing where we have been ... and choosing how we are going to respond today if we can ...

 

Another day in paradise ... 

[[dr...]]

Nova-Claire and I are old friends.  I listened to her tapes about ten years ago while in tolerance.  That's where I learned not to add to the initial rush.  Maybe thirty minutes is an exaggeration.  .

[[Gr...]]

Good Evening ... I have come to the conclusion that I am far enough along that is doesn't matter how lousy I feel I can just do what I need to do each day ...

 

Throwing away my moping sitting cushion ... seems I don't feel worse if I want to get up and about and do my chores or go walking or whatever ... so I might as well do what I want to do ... for me, seems "doing" does not trigger anything ... so why not? ...

 

I may not feel like it but I will do it anyway ... I have a good idea where my boundaries are now and what does trigger me these days ...  those will be avoided for now ...

 

I reckon this is another sign of where I am at ... a good sign ... attitude is everything for me right now ...

 

So ... onward for now ... 

 

I hope you're right.  I'm three weeks behind you and hope that comes in the mail for me!

I think when we get these, oh, the hell with it moments, I may as well go about my business moments after a long stint of doing little, it's a sign of wellness, that something got better.  At least I hope so.  and I hope I follow!

[[Gr...]]

Wow! 1000+ pages!

 

http://www.buildering.net/2011/1000cake.jpg

 

Love that cake!  Happy 1000 pages, 12-18.  While I never expected to be here this long, lol, I'm deeply grateful this thread was here.

 

Neither did I .

 

I kept seeing myself in August, going to the beach and being almost healed.

 

We are a lot closer to healed, make no mistake, but I had had something else in mind. So did wd. 

 

I have had some really nice days, since my arrival.  But, in all this, also lots of painful anxiety, anxiety that grabs my stomach and chest and stops my breathing and just hurts.

 

Yesterday was wavy and I had my first attack of hyperventilation. It was while discussing some anxiety generating topics with mr Sky, I was trying to get my point across and I found myself stuck hyperventilating.

 

Luckily, mr Sky did the right thing and started saying soothing things and hugging me. My doggy rushed in too, trying to give some help as well.

 

Scary, to say the least.

 

But, last time I was here was in April, for Easter and I do see some healing, quite a lot. Can't quite pin it down, but things are a little more focused.

 

I am going to bed shortly, I wish you all a better day full of healing.

 

Sky, I'm with you, this is not how I planned to spend August.  Still, things have improved.  but bad days can be very tough.  and yes, we are so much more focused, more clear.

 

beaches are overrated anyway.

[[No...]]

Green ... don't count on the mail ... I am sending it pony express ... this really cute guy rides his horse to New York once a week ...

 

Yep ... I don't know what any of this means ... other than we are getting better ... and I know that is true because I read it on the back of a cereal box ...

 

Went for a three hour walk this morning ... in general felt like crap ... and there were good moments ... so ... sitting on my duff or walking?, a no brainer ...

 

This past weekend really got under my finger nails ... and twisted a bit ... so ... onward and upward ... 

[[Gr...]]

Nova,

 

I copied and pasted your reply to Drew, to my son.  He's 25, gets panic attacks. 

 

I managed to keep both my kids off of kiddie psych meds, although the pressure  was def on.  and with all I'm reading now about the pharma conspiracy to target children, I'm so grateful I protected them.  One has panic/anxiety, and the other has dyslexia, and had mild behavioral issues as a kid which probably resulted from falling behind in school cuz of his learning issues. they both grew up, and they're fine.  the one with anxiety/panic feels it's holding him back, and it is.  and I've struggled to 'stay out of it' as mom, while he's trying to set up appointments with psychiatrists.  Truth is, I'm scared sick for him.  I know what they will give him. I'm trying to steer him toward CBT and whatever else is out there.  Any feedback would be appreciated.  Also, he has insurance, but it seems like any doctor offering CBT is not accepting insurance.  Are we living in 1984 now?

 

As  said, any feedback is appreciated.  I had mild to mod. situational anxiety, meaning it was mainly brought on by my inability to manage stress, set limits, people, places and things.  I never had a real panic attack in my life until this wd.

[[Gr...]]

Green ... don't count on the mail ... I am sending it pony express ... this really cute guy rides his horse to New York once a week ...

 

Yep ... I don't know what any of this means ... other than we are getting better ... and I know that is true because I read it on the back of a cereal box ...

 

Went for a three hour walk this morning ... in general felt like crap ... and there were good moments ... so ... sitting on my duff or walking?, a no brainer ...

 

This past weekend really got under my finger nails ... and twisted a bit ... so ... onward and upward ... 

 

Good for you.  I am waiting for the cute cowboy.  Although, in withdrawal, I don't have much use for cute cowboys!   I will snatch my mail and slam the agoraphobic door in his face. 

[[No...]]

Green ... couple of things come to mind ...

 

The Claire Weekes books offer a very straightforward explanation of panic and how we can choose to respond to it ... she has a really good, no nonsense voice on her audio tapes ... a grandmother telling you straight ...

 

Next ... if one is so inclined MBSR is a good practice to work on stress reduction and awareness ... Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction ... this course is wide-spread in the States ... this is Jon Kabat-Zinn's legacy ...

 

This is only my opinion ... CBT will only be of value if one is motivated ... as with most things, CBT is hard work ...

 

If anything else comes to mind I will pass it on ...