12-18 month support

[[No...]]

PS ... and by all means rant on ... it is one of the sad aspects of this business that we may find ourselves in situations where we cannot communicate what we are going through ...

 

I need someplace where I know someone is listening ... and right now, that someplace is right here ... thank you all for being who you are, where you in your journey ...

 

[[Sk...]]

Hi 12-18 ( and beyond) buddies....just a quick update...

....My wide open window of last week has definitely dimmed down. Back to a good baseline of 80%- 85%....I would rather have the window....I would rather be done, but I will take the goid baseline. ...My fatigue is better, but still need to rest in the afternoon. The scary wierd heavy d/r passed after a day....thank goodness, I remember last year when it could go on for days at a time. My health fear is running at a 'nearly normal'  pace....just reasonable (for me) worry ( not full out anxiety) about why the reflux isn't just disappearing and the upcoming consult with the gastrointerologist. Feeling a little self shaming over the number of clinic visits I have put in over the past 3 months. I have never seen the doctor so much in my entire life. I am a little embarrassed as a BB on this thread because everyone else seems to be much more able to have good faith in the process and ability to wait out the sx. ...I know..  no good comparing....and my single goal in all of this is to stay off of benzos and survive....any way that I can..Still...I am having a bout of ' sheepiness'....lol...so one more reflux follow up ....which might lead to another ultrasound of my gallbladder and a barium swallow test. If it were not for the reflux I would be at a solid 90% ....I know it will eventually end....but it seems like it does not want to redolve...just w/d or a medical issue that needs a correct diagnosis?.....round and round my mind goes....

....Wishing everyone a day bright with sunbreaks...and decent energy to enjoy it.....coop

 

Coop, you have a symptom, health fear. It's a symptom, just like palpitations and exhaustion.

 

I had it shortly, nothing like you and I count my blessings, I don't have it now, it sounds awful.

 

I had it projected to other people and I wanted to send my mom and mr Sky to have continuous check ups ! think how much fun it was for them to have to listen to me panic about them being about to drop dead any minute ! 

 

What I mean, is that it's not rational, it's not you who is not accepting the process. On a good day, you do accept it, so it's just a symptom, it's not you.

 

Btw, thanks for your nice words about haggling. They cheered me up and I stopped worrying after that, can you believe it ? Magical.

 

Anyway, we got a more reasonable price on the house yesterday, mr Sky did his best.

 

So today, we continued our packing and I just got proof I can't do exercise anytime soon !!! today, it nearly killed me, I didn't realize it, I tried to help a little and really felt very sick afterwards. Scary. 

 

Anyway, on Friday, we are going to my mother's, in the south of Italy. She will be broken hearted to hear we are not staying all of August, but I hope she realizes that we willl be seeing each other more often.

 

The house we are getting, needs a lot of work which we can't afford now. We will work on it slowly, very slowly. But it has tons of space, an appartment for her as well, she can come to visit and stay a long while. That's why we chose this house.

 

Who knows how it will go.

 

Now, I have  UTI. Probably the stress. There is a lot going on right now, so it's understandable.

 

I remember Coop having it, so I am not worried. Only yesterday was it really bad in the car, it was so painful.

 

Otherwise, it's same old, same old. Bad day, good day, on and on, feels like forever.

 

In the evenings, my thoughts go nuts, just nuts.

 

 

Nova, your dragon poem, I really liked it. I wanted to bookmark it, but I can't find it anymore.

 

Did you write it ?

 

 

I am going to bed now, speak soon, thanks to everyone for your advice and support, you are helping me enormously. 

 

Heal on, everybody.

 

[[No...]]

Sky ... I sent it to you in a PM ... yes, I am guilty, I cobbled it together ... 

[[No...]]

Sky ... glad to hear the good news about the house ...

 

Enjoy your trip to your mom ...

 

BTW ... you are sounding so much clearer lately in your posts ... another good sign ... 

[[No...]]

TM ... sorry I don't have any experience with the salivary glands ...

 

However ... I do have experience with inflammation and the lymph nodes ... mine seem to act like balloons every once in while ... I did have it checked out and of course the medicos said the benzos could have nothing to do with them ... blah, blah, blah ...

 

Hope you can get this figured out ... 

[[No...]]

Robert ... I have found it really tough to recognize how much better I am getting, month to month ...

 

I feel part of that is that I really had no idea how totally messed up I was on the drug ... this has been a real eye opener for me ...

 

Slowly I feel the drug fella is gradually merging into the recovering fella ... and some days it is hard to even discriminate between the two ...

 

I suppose nothing is ever completely discrete ... most of the time things are tumbled together ...

 

Have a good evening ... 

[[Te...]]

Thanks Nova.....for reply....I'm just trying to figure out if I really have Sjogrens or it's some weird benzo symptom.......so many of my persistent symptoms seem benzo related but sjogrens can also effect nerves.....so wondering if I'm getting hit by two things.....when no doctors understand benzo it's hard to know.....just wondering if someone else is the same situation...

TM

[[mr...]]

Hiya Robert,

 

No one can tell you whats best for you besides you of course. I will let you know that, for me, every symptom I've experienced in this process (however odd they may be) has turned out to be nothing at all, and chalked up to "withdrawal" for me. This includes the "normal" withdrawal symptoms like elevated heartrate, panic attacks, anxiety, fear, sweating, nausea, weight loss, etc. But, for me, it also included some "not-so-common" stuff, like: from December '13 through September '14, I had a breast that was leaking fluid that contained blood in it. I had the leaky duct removed in mid September to be biopsied, only to find that nothing was wrong with it. Lol. Also, I had ridges in my nails appear on some of my nails around the same time my breast started leaking fluid. Stuff like that

 

Obscure weird stuff, for sure! I always felt it a good idea to get things checked out, andvif I had to do it again, I'd still get it all checked out, but for me, it all turned out to be nothing (whew!) I remember someone recently saying that they've been a part of the forum for a couple years now, and of all the posts of folks who got this checked out and that checked out, no one had ever come back with whatever they "thought" they had. I can attest to the same experience, as I've been a part of the forum for a couple years now Lol. This process is for the birds, for sure!!

 

I hope you're feeling better soon, buddy I always like to get things checked out, just for some mental rest, but feel free to do what you feel is best for you Either way, we are healing!! Take care buddy,

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

Mrs...that was FJ who said that and I concurred.

 

Well folks...my terrible headache is starting to fade.  This day is in the books for us. One to be forgotten for me.

[[be...]]

Hi Folks ... not too bad of a day ... things seem to have lightened up and I did enjoy my long walk this morning ...

 

Okay ... here it is ... we all know two things about this process ... we are going to get better ... and it will take as long as it takes for each of us ... no matter how long it took Fred, or Jack, or Sally, or Freda ...

 

I am not Fred, or Jack, or Sally, or Freda ... and neither are any of you ...

 

And ... it does not seem to matter how old we are, how long we took the drug(s), what colour our hair is, or how many toes we have ...

 

End of pep talk ... have a good evening everyone ... 

 

Nova, you are so right on!!!!  I used to look for stories of people that had gone through a second withdrawal and compare them to my own healing. I found plenty of stories, some people had gone through three or four benzo withdrawals with minimal symptoms and healed in under two years, others  took benzos for a very short time and have taken years to heal.

I look at my own story, took xanax everyday for 13 years, felt much better after a year off and healed at two..fast forward six years later..50 ativan in three yrs.My first withdrawal was a walk in the park compared to this on.

 

Although we share some of the same symptoms of withdrawal..we are all different..but we all heal in time.

[[je...]]

Drew, that's the reason I don't vent or talk to anyone in real life... I just can't take the looks and eye rolling anymore. I just vent to you guys now 😉 it makes me so mad too that benzo w/d is not recognized by the medical field.

 

 

I've been off the board for 2 days now because I'm just not thinking about w/d that much. I still have physical sx, but my mind feels like its back and I'm mentally stronger. I feel like my healing is accelerating and things are changing for the better. Thinking of all of you, Jenny💕

[[dr...]]

Whoever posted Eli's success story...thank you!!!  How did I ever miss that gem. 

 

Jenny-yup...that's the hand we've been dealt. So happy to read about your improvements again. 

 

After my rant today I feel like my spirit is coming back. 

[[Gr...]]

Sig ... you aren't complaining ... you are stating a fact ... THIS SUCKS ...

 

Hang on, my friend ... it will pass ... 

 

Yes, Nova, this def SUCKS.

 

How are you making out today?

[[Gr...]]

Possitive post ck it out;

 

http://www.beatingbenzos.com/365528017

 

did you read all of them?

[[Gr...]]

[glow=red,2,300][glow=red,2,300][glow=red,2,300][glow=red,2,300]

[/glow][/glow][/glow][/glow]

Green, so sorry you got hit with a punch wave. Are you better today? ....Getting hit so hard in these late months feels like defeat. I am happy to be your companion in the soup....no goid to be floundering around alone in the soup...grab a green bean and float along with me on my nice carrot raft...

......My fatigue was better yesterday, but I needed a rest by 2...my energy is still not where it was last week when I was still in a wide open window....I think Nova said that fatigue lands on us because simply ' going with' and enduring sx is exhausting and takes constant mental work ...unless we are going along in a window. I think that was the jist of what he said about fatigue....I have to agree....even this far out, maintaining our improvements is constant mental work...

  .We are rounding the.corner....year 2 is coming to an end. In some ways it has been worse than year one, but in so many ways it is so much better. Year 3, for me, I think will be the easiest and the year of healing....so I think the worst is ending...I never imagined 2 years and don't know how I am still marching on....but here we all are.....better than we were...

....Green....Wishing you enough ( and more) energy to get to a show today... love to you soup buddy.....coop

Coop, let's cap this at 2 years?  Not ready for 3.  You sound good. 

I'm better.  had a good cry.  this def takes too long. 

I know there's a lot of bad things that can happen to people, and THIS IS ONE OF THEM.

 

Feeling better, lol.  hope you are, too.

[[Gr...]]

Yup all it's one of those days where the frustration just boils over.  I have to keep my "game face" on and you know the story...the funny thing is I woke up and did all my affirmations that this is just symptoms and I am healing...blah...blah...blah...out the f'n window it all went.  So now I am going to vomit out all my pissed off emotions on this thread until my massage in one hour

 

Siggy...yeah...no figuring this out and I wouldn't believe us either.  It is inconceivable that the majority of Dr.s in the US flat out deny the possibility.  I mean flat out!!!!  We are told it's us by all the "smart people"  As my father says......."this dr. is very smart and knows his stuff"  Sure dad...how do you know that?  grrrr....    I sense the argument with my fiance is brewing so I am just going to keep quiet for a week or so if possible.  She says"you'll feel better by the wedding"...it's in four months and right now I don't see that happening.

 

Green-my therapist is great but I get the same thing that even though the benzos are contributing most of it is me....I actually started believing the chorus telling me that a few weeks ago.  You mean my brain feeling like it's frying in my head is me?  The painful scalp that feels like the pin cushion from hell? that's me....  When I had a day with no anxiety I got back on track in my belief in healing.  Then my therapist says it was just a lull that day....grrr#2

 

Robert-thanks brother

 

 

just a last random GRRRRRR#3

 

Rant f'n over!!!!!

 

Drew, first, when you don't feel well, anything you have to do in the future seems ominous, like I'll never be healed by then.  That's me and my cycling trip.  47 miles a day on a flat surface.  pre withdrawal I could do this sleeping.  now I have major fatigue, can barely pedal a couple of miles.  but it can and does change on a dime.  I had a day in year one, a good day, where I did a 26 mi roundtrip trail, pretty fast, 2-3 hours.  so we really go from very bad to very good, and vice versa, and it literally happens from one day to the next.  and you've been able to show up for all of the important events.  you'll be there, that much you know.

 

the therapist.  I think she's starting to be a believer.  She saw me stumbling around like Frankenstein, struggling to find words, speaking so slowly, exhibiting major psych symptoms -- and this was at 15 months.  so she's seen a miraculous improvement from month 15 to month 21.  she sees the improvement in cognition, reasoning.  so I had a little credibility when I had my meltdown today.  she said, you're really suffering.

 

this will happen for you, too.  Even though I'm having a tough couple of days, I didn't lose all my gains, the mental, esp.  And when your therapist sees the improvement, your healing, that will be your vindication, the last word. 

 

Doctors and shrinks suck.  not all.  but many.  but when you get better, that's the vindication.  then the family, the loved ones, the doctors, everyone, they all see we were right, we knew what we were doing, we knew how to heal ourselves.  And we did it holding hands with an online forum of total strangers across the globe

[[Gr...]]

Hi all...I had the heavey DR at night which is unusual but it led into my early am headache which now makes sense.  I am so tired of this and my fiance, family, and friends basically don't want to hear it.  I am trying not to mention how I feel to anyone.  it is difficult but I need to sheild them from my daily barrage of misery.  People just think we can "suck it up...it's not that bad" type of situation.  I ahve some anger right now about how we are so alone in this with no resources or support except from fellow sufferers. 

 

I had a 9:30am appt and I just told my client I am getting over a migraine and my eyes and head hurt a bit.  I said it nonchalantly and moved on.  It is the truth.  He was understanding.  My anxiety wasn't crazy panic but it was high. 

 

I am getting depressed reading some recovery stories because a lot of them take three years for the long term users which I am one.  I know it can be different but suffering form the"I am the one who won't heal"  Lots of cross current emotions of acceptance, anger, and frustration.        

 

Drew, From one long term user to another (Klonipin, 27 years), I totally get the "I will be the one never to heal, on the drug too long, too much damage" fear. But it is just that, w/d induced fear, as you well know. You are very strong, and I gain great inspriation from you in how you are living your life amidst this battle. Listen, I started catching a break  right about where you are now, around 15 months. I really began noticing some of the symptoms lightening up, some going away.  It is very gradual, so its easy for this improvement to escape notice. Your gonig to get this too, and it will help fuel your tank to get you to the end. Your not going to be a 3 years till healed person, you sound too good. Keep believeing in your story! I'm sorry if I am sounding preachey, but I'm speaking to myself too, trying to rally my sprits as well.

 

[move]HAPPY 16TH ANNIVERSARY, ROBERT!![/move]

[[Gr...]]

Drew....I feel the same way....thinking about quitting my part time job my husband to,f me to take a Advil and deal with th pain....he doesn't get it.....Advil doesn't work.....no one understands

 

Hey does anyone have burning mouth?

I've been going to a salivary specialist....for burning mouth.....salivary glands messed up....did a salivary oral test which didn't pass...my range was so off.....so had a piece of salivary gland cut out and they did a biopsy.....came back positive for Sjogrens ....but my Ana lab work came back fine....but was tod this can happen...have appt at the end of the month with a rheumatogist ....

 

Wondering if withdrawal could give me positive results for Sjogrens.....so at lost....anyone ever heard of such a problem?

 

Hugs!TM

 

TM

 

I don't get the burning in the mouth, but I've heard more than a couple of people having it here. 

the Sjogrens, I'm not surprised.  but I would have every test repeated after healing from withdrawal.  good luck

[[Gr...]]

Hi 12-18 ( and beyond) buddies....just a quick update...

....My wide open window of last week has definitely dimmed down. Back to a good baseline of 80%- 85%....I would rather have the window....I would rather be done, but I will take the goid baseline. ...My fatigue is better, but still need to rest in the afternoon. The scary wierd heavy d/r passed after a day....thank goodness, I remember last year when it could go on for days at a time. My health fear is running at a 'nearly normal'  pace....just reasonable (for me) worry ( not full out anxiety) about why the reflux isn't just disappearing and the upcoming consult with the gastrointerologist. Feeling a little self shaming over the number of clinic visits I have put in over the past 3 months. I have never seen the doctor so much in my entire life. I am a little embarrassed as a BB on this thread because everyone else seems to be much more able to have good faith in the process and ability to wait out the sx. ...I know..  no good comparing....and my single goal in all of this is to stay off of benzos and survive....any way that I can..Still...I am having a bout of ' sheepiness'....lol...so one more reflux follow up ....which might lead to another ultrasound of my gallbladder and a barium swallow test. If it were not for the reflux I would be at a solid 90% ....I know it will eventually end....but it seems like it does not want to redolve...just w/d or a medical issue that needs a correct diagnosis?.....round and round my mind goes....

....Wishing everyone a day bright with sunbreaks...and decent energy to enjoy it.....coop

 

Coop, you have a symptom, health fear. It's a symptom, just like palpitations and exhaustion.

 

I had it shortly, nothing like you and I count my blessings, I don't have it now, it sounds awful.

 

I had it projected to other people and I wanted to send my mom and mr Sky to have continuous check ups ! think how much fun it was for them to have to listen to me panic about them being about to drop dead any minute ! 

 

What I mean, is that it's not rational, it's not you who is not accepting the process. On a good day, you do accept it, so it's just a symptom, it's not you.

 

Btw, thanks for your nice words about haggling. They cheered me up and I stopped worrying after that, can you believe it ? Magical.

 

Anyway, we got a more reasonable price on the house yesterday, mr Sky did his best.

 

So today, we continued our packing and I just got proof I can't do exercise anytime soon !!! today, it nearly killed me, I didn't realize it, I tried to help a little and really felt very sick afterwards. Scary. 

 

Anyway, on Friday, we are going to my mother's, in the south of Italy. She will be broken hearted to hear we are not staying all of August, but I hope she realizes that we willl be seeing each other more often.

 

The house we are getting, needs a lot of work which we can't afford now. We will work on it slowly, very slowly. But it has tons of space, an appartment for her as well, she can come to visit and stay a long while. That's why we chose this house.

 

Who knows how it will go.

 

Now, I have  UTI. Probably the stress. There is a lot going on right now, so it's understandable.

 

I remember Coop having it, so I am not worried. Only yesterday was it really bad in the car, it was so painful.

 

Otherwise, it's same old, same old. Bad day, good day, on and on, feels like forever.

 

In the evenings, my thoughts go nuts, just nuts.

 

 

Nova, your dragon poem, I really liked it. I wanted to bookmark it, but I can't find it anymore.

 

Did you write it ?

 

 

I am going to bed now, speak soon, thanks to everyone for your advice and support, you are helping me enormously. 

 

Heal on, everybody.

 

Sky, congratulations on the house!  So, so happy for you.  Yes, life goes on.  So is your new house in the south, too? 

 

You sound very, very good. 

[[Gr...]]

PS ... and by all means rant on ... it is one of the sad aspects of this business that we may find ourselves in situations where we cannot communicate what we are going through ...

 

I need someplace where I know someone is listening ... and right now, that someplace is right here ... thank you all for being who you are, where you in your journey ...

 

 

Absolutely.  I am so grateful for every last one of you.

[[Fi...]]

 

Doctors and shrinks suck.  not all.  but many.  but when you get better, that's the vindication.  then the family, the loved ones, the doctors, everyone, they all see we were right, we knew what we were doing, we knew how to heal ourselves.  And we did it holding hands with an online forum of total strangers across the globe

 

Well said, Green.  When we show up well, having stuck to our guns about not reinstating or chasing zebras, they will have no choice but to believe us!

[[Gr...]]

 

Doctors and shrinks suck.  not all.  but many.  but when you get better, that's the vindication.  then the family, the loved ones, the doctors, everyone, they all see we were right, we knew what we were doing, we knew how to heal ourselves.  And we did it holding hands with an online forum of total strangers across the globe

 

Well said, Green.  When we show up well, having stuck to our guns about not reinstating or chasing zebras, they will have no choice but to believe us!

 

[[Sk...]]

Hi 12-18 ( and beyond) buddies....just a quick update...

....My wide open window of last week has definitely dimmed down. Back to a good baseline of 80%- 85%....I would rather have the window....I would rather be done, but I will take the goid baseline. ...My fatigue is better, but still need to rest in the afternoon. The scary wierd heavy d/r passed after a day....thank goodness, I remember last year when it could go on for days at a time. My health fear is running at a 'nearly normal'  pace....just reasonable (for me) worry ( not full out anxiety) about why the reflux isn't just disappearing and the upcoming consult with the gastrointerologist. Feeling a little self shaming over the number of clinic visits I have put in over the past 3 months. I have never seen the doctor so much in my entire life. I am a little embarrassed as a BB on this thread because everyone else seems to be much more able to have good faith in the process and ability to wait out the sx. ...I know..  no good comparing....and my single goal in all of this is to stay off of benzos and survive....any way that I can..Still...I am having a bout of ' sheepiness'....lol...so one more reflux follow up ....which might lead to another ultrasound of my gallbladder and a barium swallow test. If it were not for the reflux I would be at a solid 90% ....I know it will eventually end....but it seems like it does not want to redolve...just w/d or a medical issue that needs a correct diagnosis?.....round and round my mind goes....

....Wishing everyone a day bright with sunbreaks...and decent energy to enjoy it.....coop

 

Coop, you have a symptom, health fear. It's a symptom, just like palpitations and exhaustion.

 

I had it shortly, nothing like you and I count my blessings, I don't have it now, it sounds awful.

 

I had it projected to other people and I wanted to send my mom and mr Sky to have continuous check ups ! think how much fun it was for them to have to listen to me panic about them being about to drop dead any minute ! 

 

What I mean, is that it's not rational, it's not you who is not accepting the process. On a good day, you do accept it, so it's just a symptom, it's not you.

 

Btw, thanks for your nice words about haggling. They cheered me up and I stopped worrying after that, can you believe it ? Magical.

 

Anyway, we got a more reasonable price on the house yesterday, mr Sky did his best.

 

So today, we continued our packing and I just got proof I can't do exercise anytime soon !!! today, it nearly killed me, I didn't realize it, I tried to help a little and really felt very sick afterwards. Scary. 

 

Anyway, on Friday, we are going to my mother's, in the south of Italy. She will be broken hearted to hear we are not staying all of August, but I hope she realizes that we willl be seeing each other more often.

 

The house we are getting, needs a lot of work which we can't afford now. We will work on it slowly, very slowly. But it has tons of space, an appartment for her as well, she can come to visit and stay a long while. That's why we chose this house.

 

Who knows how it will go.

 

Now, I have  UTI. Probably the stress. There is a lot going on right now, so it's understandable.

 

I remember Coop having it, so I am not worried. Only yesterday was it really bad in the car, it was so painful.

 

Otherwise, it's same old, same old. Bad day, good day, on and on, feels like forever.

 

In the evenings, my thoughts go nuts, just nuts.

 

 

Nova, your dragon poem, I really liked it. I wanted to bookmark it, but I can't find it anymore.

 

Did you write it ?

 

 

I am going to bed now, speak soon, thanks to everyone for your advice and support, you are helping me enormously. 

 

Heal on, everybody.

 

Sky, congratulations on the house!  So, so happy for you.  Yes, life goes on.  So is your new house in the south, too?

 

You sound very, very good.

 

It's even more in the North of Italy, closer to Milan.

[[Sk...]]

Hiya Robert,

 

No one can tell you whats best for you besides you of course. I will let you know that, for me, every symptom I've experienced in this process (however odd they may be) has turned out to be nothing at all, and chalked up to "withdrawal" for me. This includes the "normal" withdrawal symptoms like elevated heartrate, panic attacks, anxiety, fear, sweating, nausea, weight loss, etc. But, for me, it also included some "not-so-common" stuff, like: from December '13 through September '14,miStuff like that

 

Obscure weird stuff, for sure! I always felt it a good idea to get things checked out, andvif I had to do it again, I'd still get it all checked out, but for me, it all turned out to be nothing (whew!) I remember someone recently saying that they've been a part of the forum for a couple years now, and of all the posts of folks who got this checked out and that checked out, no one had ever come back with whatever they "thought" they had. I can attest to the same experience, as I've been a part of the forum for a couple years now Lol. This process is for the birds, for sure!!

 

I hope you're feeling better soon, buddy I always like to get things checked out, just for some mental rest, but feel free to do what you feel is best for you Either way, we are healing!! Take care buddy,

 

Mrs.

 

How awful  Mrs, you were very brave !

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony.

 

THOMAS MERTON