12-18 month support

[[Si...]]

Slept for maybe 4 or 5 hours with a few wake ups. Really tired this morning. I'm glad to have gotten some sleep though. Woke up with the blood pounding through my head again. Really just ready to be done with all of this. Moving forward as best we can.

[[be...]]

Morning all,

 

Just another rainy Monday. I really like the rain and storms at night but not so much in the am.

 

Nova - Love the little dragon song, I was humming away to the the little teapot tune.

 

Sky-  Maybe facing the little dragons won't be as bad as facing the big ones.

 

Coop- Sorry your nice window is closing..it can be so discouraging. So happy you had some good days.

 

 

I'm hanging out in the kitchen today with my stiff sore muscles..I think they need a little bit of a workout. Trying out some new chicken recipes that I found on food network.

This time last year it was a struggle to boil eggs..what a year brings...good and bad..it's the nature of the beast.

 

Hope you all get some sunbreaks today.

 

 

[[Co...]]

Siggy... so sorry that you are having tough times. Not sleeping amplifies every single sx. ...I have used hot packs/wraps around my neck for head rushing. It helps...it at least provides a counter sensation to the pounding rushing misery.  You are getting there. Month 18 seems to signal a shift for many BBs . My shift came a little further out than that ( 20 months) , but I could tell things were beginning to change by 18 months.

.  Wishing you a better day today.....coop

[[Co...]]

Nova, it's already hot here too....the true dog days of Aug. ...Very thankful for ac....still it gets a little stir crazy having to stay in most of the day.  Sorry that it's a sick day for you.  You are a master at getting through then, although wish you didn't have to.. .wish none of us had to. ...carry on dear friend.....coop

[[Si...]]

Siggy... so sorry that you are having tough times. Not sleeping amplifies every single sx. ...I have used hot packs/wraps around my neck for head rushing. It helps...it at least provides a counter sensation to the pounding rushing misery.  You are getting there. Month 18 seems to signal a shift for many BBs . My shift came a little further out than that ( 20 months) , but I could tell things were beginning to change by 18 months.

.  Wishing you a better day today.....coop

 

Thanks Coop! It's a lot of us have all of a sudden have been hit by a wave. I was doing pretty good up until last Wednesday night. I was in a window for about 3 weeks and there were a few days where I felt better than I have than any time in the last 15 months. Thanks for the words of encouragement. It means a lot to me. Sorry you've been getting hit as well.

[[Co...]]

Siggy, I think you will start to see more of those ' best days yet' ( we call them Effortless Mind days) as you keep moving out. A 3 week window is an unbelievably wonderful sign of healing. I don't think I have had 3 consecutive weeks of window ever in my 21 months of healing.  ...You are going to get there and have your life back..  coop

[[Si...]]

Siggy, I think you will start to see more of those ' best days yet' ( we call them Effortless Mind days) as you keep moving out. A 3 week window is an unbelievably wonderful sign of healing. I don't think I have had 3 consecutive weeks of window ever in my 21 months of healing.  ...You are going to get there and have your life back..  coop

 

Thanks Coop! Yes always darkest before the dawn. While I'm really more tired than usual, especially for having slept at least a few hours, it's probably a good sign of healing actually (I guess .. I hope). Not long ago I was having many days of not sleeping at all and being tired but at the same time I'd be wired. Now I'm just mostly feeling tired. My symptoms are cycling really fast throughout the day too. One hour I'll be really wired and anxious and then later I'll be calm. 

[[Co...]]

Beulah..  so sorry you are trying to manage body aches pain and stiffness.  I hope the " little workout" loosens them up.

Chicken recipes....sounds so good. I love the food network. I am slowly adding a few more foods to my belly regime...baked chicken and baked salmon seem to be tolerable. Oatmeal is 0k... slow improvement with the reflux.. it's like the w/d..  circular...a goid day a bad day. The good news is that my appetite is returning. I lost another 5#  but I can see that being very temporary .

  ..Beulah ...I am thinking of you and wishing you a happy day in your kitchen.  Love to you .....coop

[[Co...]]

Sig.  Yep, the rapid cycling.  I remember just a month or so ago feeling good and as quick as 10 minutes later feeling intense anxiety... very common it seems in the second year.  It gets better. . ..coop

[[be...]]

Beulah..  so sorry you are trying to manage body aches pain and stiffness.  I hope the " little workout" loosens them up.

Chicken recipes....sounds so good. I love the food network. I am slowly adding a few more foods to my belly regime...baked chicken and baked salmon seem to be tolerable. Oatmeal is 0k... slow improvement with the reflux.. it's like the w/d..  circular...a goid day a bad day. The good news is that my appetite is returning. I lost another 5#  but I can see that being very temporary .

  ..Beulah ...I am thinking of you and wishing you a happy day in your kitchen.  Love to you .....coop

 

Yes Coop, I'm slowly adding in more foods also..so far so good..if it upsets..I'll back off.

I love oatmeal..but can't have it yet..every time I try to eat it I go into a wave. I searched to see if others had any problems with oatmeal...yep..it was up there on the list of something to do with the glutamate. I hate being this sensitive to foods..but it is what it is for now.

At my doc appointment last week they told me I lost four pounds since March. I would have thought this far out I would stop losing weight. I have gained back weight but still have not reached a point in my healing that it won't come off easily.

 

I smell chicken..gotta run.

[[dr...]]

Good morning all....praciticing really good sleep hygiene but it really doesn't do squat sometimes.  Tried these binaural beats thingies. Think it may be a crock but it's free.   

Woke up with the morning yucks but less...I just say any thought upon waking is a "benzo lie" and try and repeat mantras until I am out of bed. 

 

Feeling better today.  No major anxiety or rushes yet.  I am so crazy that when I have calm like this I usually get a migraine aura so trying to distract from that thought.  If i get one I will work through it like every other time.  The auras are completely harmless. 

 

Contacted the client who needed appt and told them I can meet today.  We decided on Wednesday.  So strange, when in the wave it was the most frightening prospect for me to meet with them.  Sent me into an irrational panic.  Now that nonstop anxiety has ended I can do it no problem.  Now I am back to not being sure if trying to overcome the supposed "meeting fear" is an issue.  I am sure as time goes by all this stuff will drop off and I think my approach is I will have to do it if I have to but I am not seeking meetings out to do exposure therapy. 

 

I read most but don't have much time to respond.  We are doing it my friends!

   

[[Si...]]

Good morning all....praciticing really good sleep hygiene but it really doesn't do squat sometimes.  Tried these binaural beats thingies. Think it may be a crock but it's free.   

Woke up with the morning yucks but less...I just say any thought upon waking is a "benzo lie" and try and repeat mantras until I am out of bed. 

 

Feeling better today.  No major anxiety or rushes yet.  I am so crazy that when I have calm like this I usually get a migraine aura so trying to distract from that thought.  If i get one I will work through it like every other time.  The auras are completely harmless. 

 

Contacted the client who needed appt and told them I can meet today.  We decided on Wednesday.  So strange, when in the wave it was the most frightening prospect for me to meet with them.  Sent me into an irrational panic.  Now that nonstop anxiety has ended I can do it no problem.  Now I am back to not being sure if trying to overcome the supposed "meeting fear" is an issue.  I am sure as time goes by all this stuff will drop off and I think my approach is I will have to do it if I have to but I am not seeking meetings out to do exposure therapy. 

 

I read most but don't have much time to respond.  We are doing it my friends!

 

 

Glad you're a little better today and that you can schedule the meetings. I don't really care for the binaural beats. I know some people swear by them, but they just annoy me. I'm still having some issues, but just marching along as I must. Pretty tired today, but at least I did sleep last night.

[[Gr...]]

Green ... it is like learning the comparative and superlative of a word ... like Father Bruno taught us ... "ill, sick, dead" ...

 

There is "okay, lousy, miserable" ...

 

I woke up lousy this morning, morphed into miserable for a few hours and has slid back to lousy late this afternoon ...looking forward to okay this evening or tomorrow ...

 

The copycat thingie ... I have often wondered about that ... gave up ... now I just call it "I am lousy too" ... 

 

Nova, in benzo lexicon, this is hysterical,  it is like learning the comparative and superlative of a word ... like Father Bruno taught us ... "ill, sick, dead" ...  

 

and okay, lousy, and miserable are the only things on the menu these days.  Seriously, how long does this go on?

[[dr...]]

lol green... hanging by a thread, falling, dead  

 

 

I had a productive morning and at 11am my glutamate storm or wave or whatever you want to call it hit.  it's now 11:33 and the worst is past as I expected.  One surge of panic that I didn't feed to make it last longer.  I have copied a post form Angel35 who jsut posted a 3 year update.  she was a bad case so it is very encouraging.  still has some issues but again it was bad for her.

 

here it is:

 

 

  Hi everyone,

I thought i would stop in and give an update..

I am now 3 years out and pretty much all my symptoms are gone. I am still battling with a few things, but not sure if they are related to WD. I started having pain as I feel like I have to go urinate 27/7, but it does not burn or hurt while I am going. They have checked for everything under the sun and cant find anything wrong. i did have blood in my urine for 2 months but that has seem to get better. It kind of comes and goes. I had this issue when I first detoxed, so not sure what is going on, but it sucks.

 

I still have issues taking meds. I am fine the first day but the next, not so much. I can take Advil but I get very short of breathe and dizzy the next day. I still have arm pain off and on too.

 

Besides all of this crap, I feel pretty good. I am getting ready to take my first vacation in a long time. I have anxiety about it and checked to make sure a hospital is not to far away.

 

If any of you remember me, I was one of the worst cases. Multiply hospital visits and panice attack. Fear of death was very high and I was sure I was going to die. I made it this far and I have no clue how it did it. I never turned back once I  stopped. O man was it a bad ride.I had every strange thing you could imagine happen to me. Let me know if you have any questions. i will be happy to answer them for you.

[[Gr...]]

Robert-the cooking is my savior too. Very rarely does it not make me focus less on my symptoms.

 

Green-today is no anxiety just super DR. I'm in another reality whilst glimpsing the world through my eyes. Without the anxiety though I can do things from a place of calmness.  I ran many errands today, did 13 minutes of a px90 tape(feel so weak and I even took it so slow), and am going to make BBQ oysters w wild salmon for dinner.  If the adrenaline rushes and anxiety are calm I can deal w almost everything else. 

 

Robert 2-when in a wave I feel it's me and when in a window I feel it's the benzos. 

 

"when in a wave I feel it's me and when in a window I feel it's the benzos" 

 

Wow, that's totally me too ! 

 

Siggy, by the way, thanks for your stories about Russia. That is such a coincidence, because tonight, I have just gotten back from  theatre show by a Russian playright.

 

Ok, tomorrow we are going to make an offer for a house, that seems practically just right. 

 

I was never good at haggling, even pre benzos. So, that leaves Mr Sky, who is even worse than me at it. But that's another thing about wd, he has had to be the one in charge of everything for 21 months and that is forcing him to take on roles  he normally would have avoided.

 

We officially started packing today. And I am terrified, of course. At the best of times, it would have made me panic, I am like a cat, I hate seeing my things moved in my house.

 

It's going to be a crazy month, we are visiting my mom in a couple of days and then we have to move.

 

Of course, today I am wavy, but that seems the least to me. I refrained from writing a much more panicky post earlier. I went out with my bike and that made a world of difference.

 

Hope you are all okish, speak to you soon. 

 

Wish me well !

 

Sky, you sound so good!  I am so happy to hear you living.  how much to offer on the house, that's what I call a luxury problem after withdrawal.  If we can get our minds and our health back, the rest will fall into place, and the devil in the details will hopefully no longer be so important as it used to be.  Life tends to fall into place. 

Good luck with the house, and enjoy this time.

[[Si...]]

I'm still having a tough day today. I can't shake the feeling that this will never go away. I'm trying to read success stories, but they don't seem to resonate with me. Sorry for my complaining.

[[Gr...]]

Hi 12-18 (and beyond) buddies.  .Wow, you just can't blink on this thread without it getting crazy busy....I just skimmed through 5 pages of posts and have now forgotten everything I read. My mind is full of gaps. 

....SKY.  great that you found a house. Moving is so difficult even if you are not in w/d. You sound like you really have a grip on it.. .even though you are terrified. You and Mr Sky will be fine with the haggling.  I don't think anyone is really good at haggling except the realtor agents. So glad you found one that is practically perfect.  I see so much i.prove mentioned in your posts. ...21 months...We have put in our time.....

......NOVA....I so get the 'slow'  post....it is the mindfulness and intentional thing ...it works every time. I think that's why endless repetitive house tasks were ...and are still such a big part of getting through this for me. Washing each tine of each fork, hand drying each plate, going step by step in preparing a place at the table for lunch, getting the dog out each morning.  Going through the morning routines in an ordered manner each day....it sounds OCD , but it is intentional and really got me through so many bad mornings . If I focused on each little thing I was doing and the 'routine' it re-focused my mind ( I had to re-focus' about every 30 seconds and keep bringing my mind back to the 47 individual steps of putting dog food in a bowl and setting it out for the dog)  It didn'take my anxiety go away, but it got me through the anxiety so many times.

  I hope your 'lousy' is easing out. I agree with your wife, your posts are sounding so even ...in spite of the 'lousy'. ..Wishing you sunbreaks and rambling....and cooking. 

.....GREEN....boy, I am with you....thank god for your post about not being able to get off the couch. I got hit yesterday and today with immovable fatigue ...exactly like you described, I couldn't get off the bed in the afternoon if there was a nine alarm fire in my building. Mine had a weakness and that scary d/r ' other world ' feel that Drew described. I truly felt like I wasn't inhabiting my body.. wierd scary. Since I have experienced this  before I didn't get panicky, but it scared me that it lasted most of the day both today and yesterday I am glad you got out to the play.  I made it out to the kitchen and the mailbox...lol....Is your fatigue letting up at all?....Do you feel like you literally can not move ?...I swear we are getting to the end of this. All of us...just like you said. ..Wishing you and me both a little energy...at least enough to get off the couch...

  ..DREW.  I hope your wave is peaking and lifting. You are so right the anxiety is intense and consuming and then it just fades into acceptance.  I have gone around and around too with the ' I am sure I should have an mri because surely the ct was not detailed enough to pick up my probable life threatening overlooked 'pancreatic cancer'.  I had a long bout of health anxiety yesterday and it finally burned out today. Some day we won't have this.  Until then we need to start 'Hypochondriacs Anonymous. . (H.A. !!)    Hope you enjoyed your dinner out....Wishing you windows...

 

..I know I missed some posts...but I am wishing some long days of guiet sx for all of us... onward.  ..coop

 

Coop, yes, literally cannot move, and when I do gravity is sucking me into the ground.  It passes, so weird.  I've had this in varying intensity since I got back from Atlanta, that was July 6.  It's not always so intense, but it's always there, and it's starting to get me down.  or else it's just getting worse, which is more likely.  last couple of nights I'm back to major cortisol surges starting at 3 a.m.  I don't mind not sleeping until dawn, but withdrawal always amps it up, so it's not just not sleeping, it's where it's a physical torment lying in bed.  I started getting up and going downstairs for Vit. C.  I don't know if the C works, but taking the trip breaks up the inner core vibration and that psychic discomfort.  I don't have the words to describe how uncomfortable this inner thrumming is.  others talk about it, but no one describes it as a torment, which it is to me. It was one of my worst symptoms when it was full throttle.  thankfully, whatever is going on now is not full throttle, it's not crazy-making, it's miserable-making, ala Nova.

 

Wish I were more positive today.  Just had too many hard days and lost my groove.

 

[move]HAPPY 15 MONTH ANNIVERSARY, SIG[/move]

[[Gr...]]

Just an update.  My window is definitely dimmed . Just as Green said ....the minute I think I might be almost done I get hit. Yesterday I started out with waking up to pretty intense health fears. I went out to brunch anyway as my daughter's god parents were flying back home and we wanted to see them one more time.  My daughter and new son in law had just returned from thier trip so it was the last family wedding get together .I am so glad I don't have any more children who will want weddings in the future. ...I didn't do nearly as well as I did over the two days of the actual wedding. I made it through brunch with anxiety, d/r, health fear and a panic nipping at my ankles..  really disappointing. My grandsons were a wonderful distraction. ...I am sure it is to be expected and this time last year it would have been excruciating if not impossible, but it shook up my self confidence.

  ..Today the debilitating fatigue and down right scary d/r and dissociation flattened me to my bed all afternoon...Dissociation so thick I literally could not think. No clarity what so ever.  The clarity returned this evening, but I haven't had an entire day of d/r and dissociation for quite sometime. .  After good days sx like this never fail to hit me off gaurd.  I know the good days will return.  Just venting and whining.  .. Some day all of us will be done with this.  ..Hoping tomorrow is very good day for all of us.    coop

 

Coop, as sorry as I am that you are swimming in my bowl of soup, I must be honest and admit I'm so grateful for the company.  And when I'm deep in it, I'm not so accurate at describing the misery.  you are very good at nailing it.  I was thinking last night that this is a wave, the misery snuck up on me a day at a time and I crossed the line between handling mounting symptoms to I can't deal with this anymore.  Still not so bad as the really bad ones we've gotten, but it has a punch and plenty of staying power.  The wave of month 21.

 

I didn't think I was done, I knew I wasn't, but I thought the symptoms would gradually disappear, I didn't think I was going back to bed  :'(

 

Feel better, everyone.

[[Si...]]

Hi 12-18 (and beyond) buddies.  .Wow, you just can't blink on this thread without it getting crazy busy....I just skimmed through 5 pages of posts and have now forgotten everything I read. My mind is full of gaps. 

....SKY.  great that you found a house. Moving is so difficult even if you are not in w/d. You sound like you really have a grip on it.. .even though you are terrified. You and Mr Sky will be fine with the haggling.  I don't think anyone is really good at haggling except the realtor agents. So glad you found one that is practically perfect.  I see so much i.prove mentioned in your posts. ...21 months...We have put in our time.....

......NOVA....I so get the 'slow'  post....it is the mindfulness and intentional thing ...it works every time. I think that's why endless repetitive house tasks were ...and are still such a big part of getting through this for me. Washing each tine of each fork, hand drying each plate, going step by step in preparing a place at the table for lunch, getting the dog out each morning.  Going through the morning routines in an ordered manner each day....it sounds OCD , but it is intentional and really got me through so many bad mornings . If I focused on each little thing I was doing and the 'routine' it re-focused my mind ( I had to re-focus' about every 30 seconds and keep bringing my mind back to the 47 individual steps of putting dog food in a bowl and setting it out for the dog)  It didn'take my anxiety go away, but it got me through the anxiety so many times.

  I hope your 'lousy' is easing out. I agree with your wife, your posts are sounding so even ...in spite of the 'lousy'. ..Wishing you sunbreaks and rambling....and cooking. 

.....GREEN....boy, I am with you....thank god for your post about not being able to get off the couch. I got hit yesterday and today with immovable fatigue ...exactly like you described, I couldn't get off the bed in the afternoon if there was a nine alarm fire in my building. Mine had a weakness and that scary d/r ' other world ' feel that Drew described. I truly felt like I wasn't inhabiting my body.. wierd scary. Since I have experienced this  before I didn't get panicky, but it scared me that it lasted most of the day both today and yesterday I am glad you got out to the play.  I made it out to the kitchen and the mailbox...lol....Is your fatigue letting up at all?....Do you feel like you literally can not move ?...I swear we are getting to the end of this. All of us...just like you said. ..Wishing you and me both a little energy...at least enough to get off the couch...

  ..DREW.  I hope your wave is peaking and lifting. You are so right the anxiety is intense and consuming and then it just fades into acceptance.  I have gone around and around too with the ' I am sure I should have an mri because surely the ct was not detailed enough to pick up my probable life threatening overlooked 'pancreatic cancer'.  I had a long bout of health anxiety yesterday and it finally burned out today. Some day we won't have this.  Until then we need to start 'Hypochondriacs Anonymous. . (H.A. !!)    Hope you enjoyed your dinner out....Wishing you windows...

 

..I know I missed some posts...but I am wishing some long days of guiet sx for all of us... onward.  ..coop

 

Coop, yes, literally cannot move, and when I do gravity is sucking me into the ground.  It passes, so weird.  I've had this in varying intensity since I got back from Atlanta, that was July 6.  It's not always so intense, but it's always there, and it's starting to get me down.  or else it's just getting worse, which is more likely.  last couple of nights I'm back to major cortisol surges starting at 3 a.m.  I don't mind not sleeping until dawn, but withdrawal always amps it up, so it's not just not sleeping, it's where it's a physical torment lying in bed.  I started getting up and going downstairs for Vit. C.  I don't know if the C works, but taking the trip breaks up the inner core vibration and that psychic discomfort.  I don't have the words to describe how uncomfortable this inner thrumming is.  others talk about it, but no one describes it as a torment, which it is to me. It was one of my worst symptoms when it was full throttle.  thankfully, whatever is going on now is not full throttle, it's not crazy-making, it's miserable-making, ala Nova.

 

Wish I were more positive today.  Just had too many hard days and lost my groove.

 

[move]HAPPY 15 MONTH ANNIVERSARY, SIG[/move]

 

Thanks for the anniversary banner! Sorry your'e having a rough time too. This wave I'm in is getting me down. I haven't had one like this since about 2 months ago. Usually after I sleep, even a few hours, I feel a lot better. But that isn't the case for the last couple of days. I'm on the Internet now at work when I should be working. Ugh! I know that inner vibration torment too. Mine is in my head and spine these days though. I still have the burning down my spine. Pretty unpleasant. I'm REALLY hoping it starts turning around for you green. 

[[Gr...]]

I'm still having a tough day today. I can't shake the feeling that this will never go away. I'm trying to read success stories, but they don't seem to resonate with me. Sorry for my complaining.

 

Sig, you're not complaining, you're not whining, you're in a wave.  It's okay, it's going to pass, you just have to survive as best you can until it passes.  And remember, thinking that this will never go away is a symptom in itself.  hang on.  it will pass.  they all do.

 

Sig, I just read your response above.  Yes, this wave will pass for us both.  I didn't realize you got those vibrations in the spine! ugh.  I get them in the gut and pelvic core, if that's any kind of description.  usually when I get these vibes, that means cortisol revving is in full throttle, and everything goes, including the thinking, esp. the thinking!  these surges cause mental symptoms for sure.  I'm so far out I can actually imagine I feel the neurochemicals squirting in my brain and the off the wall thinking that follows.

 

Hang in there, buddy, this is going to pass for both of us. 

[[No...]]

Hi Green ... yep, the month 21 - 22 wave ... mine has been ramping up since last week ... in full throttle today ...

 

BORING ... plain and simple ...

 

We will get out of this one just like all the rest ... 

[[No...]]

Sig ... you aren't complaining ... you are stating a fact ... THIS SUCKS ...

 

Hang on, my friend ... it will pass ... 

[[dr...]]

sounds like a quote form Lost Dog won't harm us...

 

 

For some reason, 12 to 18 months was the most difficult. I think it’s because you’re so exhausted and feeling hopeless. After 18 months it begins to get better but you feel like you’ll never be the way you were before, that there will always be some lingering symptoms. For me it began to really accelerate at around 20 months. I could tell I was beginning to get better but I had given up on being the person I once was.

I have been waiting to write this until I was positive I was completely healed.

I am.

Thank you everyone for all your help and support during the last two years. It made all the difference to know I wasn’t alone. Neither are you. You will get better. I promise.

[[Si...]]

Thanks everyone!

 

I'm trying my best today. Just overall feeling very worn down. Heading home soon. 

[[dr...]]

Take it easy siggy...you earned it.

 

Had a few glutamate storms throughout the day. Out of nowhere boatiness, palps, dr, hard to breathe.  Anxiety goes up. They pass in about an hour total.  I could deal a lot better if they showed up at the same time each morning and afternoon so I could plan around them.  Benzo beast is laughing at my request. 

 

I got home and pushed myself to workout.  Since I'm wavy I'm trying to see if it makes it worse, better, or no difference.  I did an exercise dvd and didn't kill myself. Hopefully it will help. Curious as I usually won't push exercise when feeling like this. 

 

Settling in for the evening w heavy DR.  I will wait this funky feeling of unreality to fade and not freak. No dinner either as the damn fish market is closed on Mondays.  The inhumanity of it all.