12-18 month support

[[Si...]]

Siggy, that must be lots of fun for your wife 😊 do you know what the movie is called?

 

I'm sure she mentioned it, but I don't remember. She just did a weeklong shoot for a Jamie Foxx movie. She played a casino dealer. It's ironically titled "Sleepless Night"!

[[dr...]]

Drew, I get the painful scalp and tingly brain too... I don't even let myself go there, I know its my brain healing!

 

I know Jenny and thanks for the reassurance.  As we all have to battle the rational vs benzo mind  :pokey:thing it takes its toll.  I just woke up from a much needed doze w loud ear hissing.  This is definitely withdrawal. 

 

Siggy-they're all minor until they're not.    It comes with other symptoms for me too. I know you weren't belittling my symptom so it's all cool. 

[[Si...]]

Drew, I get the painful scalp and tingly brain too... I don't even let myself go there, I know its my brain healing!

 

I know Jenny and thanks for the reassurance.  As we all have to battle the rational vs benzo mind  :pokey:thing it takes its toll.  I just woke up from a much needed doze w loud ear hissing.  This is definitely withdrawal. 

 

Siggy-they're all minor until they're not.    It comes with other symptoms for me too. I know you weren't belittling my symptom so it's all cool. 

Oh yeah def not making small of that symptom for you or anyone else! I have it too. For me it's just a lesser thing to deal with when compared to the insomnia I have.

[[je...]]

Siggy, that must be lots of fun for your wife 😊 do you know what the movie is called?

 

I'm sure she mentioned it, but I don't remember. She just did a weeklong shoot for a Jamie Foxx movie. She played a casino dealer. It's ironically titled "Sleepless Night"!

 

 

Lol! Siggy, ya gotta live the irony in that title 😁

[[Gr...]]

Hello, everybody.

 

Nova, that cycle post you had, above, that's where I am.  yesterday intense surges of something, whatever it was made me paranoid, intense, wired, and weird.  fell off at 7 a.m.  slept deeply until 2 p.m.  got so nauseous from a bowl of breakfast oatmeal.  and no way I'm moving off this couch.  couldn't if I wanted to.  I get POTS, dizzy, nauseous every time I get up and have to keep coming back to it.  Yesterday I tried going out, had to come right back home.  When I got the surge, I went back out again, rode the bike a little, and walked a little.  came home, dinner, which made me nauseous for hours.

 

this sounds worse than it is because I'm telling myself it will pass, and everything is cycling wildly, and my mental, my mood, is decent (because I still believe I'm healing)

 

I'm not in despair, I'm more like WTH?  it's all cycling so fast

 

I have a ticket to miss Julie tonight, in Russian, lol, with subtitles.  If the energy doesn't roll in soon, it's not happening.

like Coop, even with all this crazy stuff, I've got the feeling that it's healing, almost like you can feel your brain rapidly changing.  I sure hope so.

 

Peace, good for you, eat plenty of pizza.

 

Sig, this is not your life.  and when you heal, you're going to have a new found appreciation for your life and health, so that your life will be richer than it was before.

 

now I have to figure out a way to get the hell off this couch.

 

Hi green, hope you get your second wind tonight so you can make it to the movie you want to go to. My wife and two cats are all taking a nap now. This is after my wife slept about 8-½ hours last night too. Amazing to me now really. I use to be able to do that, and now it's a totally different situation for me. I feel so agitated and just coursing blood pumping through my brain. I'm really hoping to be healed soon (just like everyone else). I'll certainly have a much better appreciation for everything.

 

That's interesting that the movie is subtitled in Russian. My step-dad worked in Russia for probably nearly a decade. I made a few trips over there. Really interesting country.

 

Sig, I did get my second wind and went.  It wasn't a movie, it was a play, it was in Russian with English subtitles.  It was very good, and I'm so glad I dragged myself out.  I seem to be pretty good late in the afternoon/evening.  I love going to these things because, like Coop, I'll be damned if I let withdrawal take every single thing away.

 

You're in a bad space Sig, don't worry, it's all going to come back.  Insomnia was a major problem for me all the way through, and I feel it shifting.  When you're going through it, it's very hard.  No one wants to face that whole night, especially when you have to get up in the a.m.  it will sort out.

 

how interesting you got over to Russia a few times.  I went only once, I think in 2012.  A very nice trip, I just wish I had had more time.  It's an interesting society, wouldn't you say?  The theater was filled with Russian-speaking people, and I was remembering these were the people who burned a city to the ground rather than let Napoleon take it.  Was it Moscow?  St. P?  can't remember.

 

don't worry, sig, you will sleep again.

[[Gr...]]

Hey Green ... whoa ... gotta slow things down if you can ... that's what I always need to do ... the cycling can get away from me so darn easily ... then I am toast for a while ...

 

The nausea thing is really hard ... I get messed up in a place with that sometimes and I feel like I have no where to turn ... crazy making ...

 

Hope you can get out tonight ... that could get you out of where you are for a while ...

 

 

Nova, slow things down?  I laid on the couch the entire day.  If I go any slower, I'll lose my pulse

 

I did make it out, thanks for asking.  But it was a very tough day, major nausea, rocking boat seasick.  I was thinking I was going to turn around and go home.

 

Nova, it's shocking, the kind of physical stuff that's going on so far out!  Why didn't you tell me what was happening three weeks ahead of me?! :'(

  Buddy, I sure do hope we're getting close.  These are some trying times.

How is the market?

[[Gr...]]

Siggy ... how are you doing? ... still in that revving place? ...

 

Yes basically all day today. Felt pretty somewhat jacked up last night, but it's really hit me today. My window basically closed on Wednesday. Felt pretty good for about three weeks. I felt like I was coming down with a cold so I started taking more vit c and some zycam (basically a zinc lozenge). I'm not sure if this is the benzo flu or not? I haven't had hat before except maybe 2 months ago I felt the same way. Just very agitated feeling and like I can't escape the feeling in my body. I suppose this is akethesia? Usually I feel a good bit better after sleeping even a few hours. Anyone else get a pounding blood pumping through their brain? I feel like when I have the worst symptoms there's a brick or something in the front of my brain. Sorry for the rambling. I guess I should be thankful I did have a few weeks of feeling ok. I've had dry mouth for months too. Didn't have that until I got the flu in March. It doesn't matter how much water I drink. I did take the 50,000 iu Vutamin D2 I was prescribed. My level is at 25.6. It doesn't seem to make a difference in how I feel. I know it won't help right away, but was a little worried about it maybe making me feel worse. I'm outside on our patio now with our cats getting some sun.

 

How's your day going now?

 

Sig, I call my brick in the brain my Neanderthal brain.  I know that feeling!  and the dry mouth, that cycles for me, I get an insatiable thirst and all I want is ice cold carbonated drinks.  hope this passes for you soon.

[[Gr...]]

Ugh to all

 

Siggy-the head stuff can be debilitating.  I call it more like something I can't identify flowing through my brain. Almost like a brain freeze at times and others just tingling. Especially in the front.  Brick in front?  Yup... I also get a book on top of head or like someone is pressing down w nails and my head is a pin cushion.  Fun stuff!

 

Green-take it easy!!!  No reason to be a hero.  Now if only I could listen to that advice.

 

Nova-sounds like you're doing ok within our crap zone.  Just same stuff but not intense for you

 

 

I went to get a massage and it was tough. Couldn't sit still and twitching. Hard to breathe and really heavy DR.  When I get the DR that heavy I know it's usually peak or within spitting distance of peak wave day for me. Hope that's the case.

 

Right now drinking a caffeinated coffee on my deck under the umbrella.  Nice breeze to boot.  Have a 7pm reservation w the gal for gluten free Filipino food.  Yay

 

Enjoy your dinner. We were originally going to go to a birthday party tonight, but I'm not feeling up to it. Also had another really good friend text me about wanting to go out to eat tonight at a restaurant nearby and I had to decline. I really hate that since I use to hang out with him all the time. I think today is one of the worst days I've had in a long time. I'm hoping that the worst the wave is the better the next window will be.

 

Sig, you're around 14 months.  the nausea is so common.  hopefully it won't last too long.  I was thinking today that the symptoms mean I'm healing, that my brain is healing.  If nothing was going on, we would just stay as we are, brain damaged, lol.  the symptoms are a signal that we are healing. we're going to be bigger and badder and smarter than ever!

[[Gr...]]

Siggy, that must be lots of fun for your wife 😊 do you know what the movie is called?

 

I'm sure she mentioned it, but I don't remember. She just did a weeklong shoot for a Jamie Foxx movie. She played a casino dealer. It's ironically titled "Sleepless Night"!

 

Wow, is she quitting her day job yet?  that's very exciting.

[[Sk...]]

Siggy ... I have the same problem ... my wife sees the improvement ... I am usually a few weeks behind seeing it ...

 

Only a few weeks ? Well, that's good then ! I am a few light years behind seeing it ! 

[[No...]]

Sky ... light years aren't a problem for us ... we are Time-travelers ... 

[[No...]]

Green ... my prognosticating hat blew away in one of those benzo winds ... 

 

Glad you made it to the play ...

 

And yes, these are trying times ... and they say close only counts in horseshoes ...

 

We will get there ... 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... had another good sleep ...

 

Woke with the nausea stuff and the head pressure ... another day in paradise ... 

[[be...]]

Morning all,

 

I see a few of you have the nausea stuff going on..it's a rough one.. The nausea plagued me for many months and still pops up from time to time. This time last year I was hit with the nausea and dizziness very badly..but it's different now when it comes on..short lived and not so bad.

Soda crackers and ginger ale were a big part of my diet.

 

Happy Sunday to all..a day to rest.

 

 

[[No...]]

“Going Slow” ... (again, this is a bit long-winded) ...

 

This practice is not about shutting down, doing nothing, or sitting on the couch ... rather, it is quite an active practice ...

 

For me, it refers to shifting my attention from whatever “symptom storm” I am focussed on to something else ...

 

The goal is to stop “feeding” the present storm with the additional energy of my attention ... 

 

I believe this is the usefulness of the often mentioned practice of “distraction” ...

 

Attention is a powerful process and employs a great deal of “energy” ... (I don’t know exactly what energy means ... however, I do know when it is flowing and sustaining me, I feel it) ...

 

I believe much of the “distress” I experience during recovery is generated by my experience of the speed at which “information” is generated ... information about my surroundings, information about my bodily sensations, and information about my struggle to make sense of this flow of information ...

 

Hence, my sense of being overwhelmed so often during my process of recovery ... I believe my brain simply has difficulty processing information in what I have come to accept as a “normal” manner during my recovery ... this seems to generate additional stress for me and may well be my experience of “cog fog” ...

 

And ... I believe there is nothing wrong with this “speed” ... the speed itself is normal ... I believe the issue lies in my present experience of this speed ... if I wasn’t in a recovery process the experience of the speed likely would not matter at all ...

 

So ... borrowing a bit from the mindfulness basket ... “Going Slow” ...

 

This practice involves two things ... (well, two things that I am aware of anyway) ... first, shifting my attention away from whatever it is presently focussed on, directing it elsewhere ... and secondly, engaging my attention on something I can do slowly ... an intentional, exaggerated slowness ...

 

I have found that engaging my senses will usually be a pathway into this slowness ... sight, smell, touch, hearing, whatever I usually find pleasant ...

 

For example ... the process of preparing and drinking tea has often been useful for me ... and everything is done intentionally slowly ... and my attention becomes only focussed on the process of the preparing and the drinking of the tea ...

 

I decide to make some tea ... I get up slowly ... I walk to the kitchen slowly ... strengthening my intention to prepare tea ... I look around the kitchen ... I locate the kettle ... and stop there ... I take in the kettle with my eyes ... examine it’s shape, it’s colour, it’s kettle-ness ... I pick it up and feel it ... touch it ... slowly ... with the kettle in hand I turn to the sink ...

 

Looking at the sink and the taps ... taking it in with my eyes ... seeing this sink-ness ... placing the kettle under the tap, I turn on the tap slowly ... letting the water flow slowly ... listening to the water enter the kettle ...

 

Doing this intentional slow procedure with everything that is needed to make the tea ... and when the tea has steeped, drinking it ... again, the intentional slowness and attention to everything ... the feel of the cup, the heat of the tea, the smell of the tea ... all the way to tasting the tea slowly ... feeling the tea infuse me ...

 

The significance of this type of process for me is its slowness and its intention ... while the symptom storm may still be going on, my attention has shifted to a place of calmness ... and ... my attention usually gets a period of respite from the symptom storm ...

 

The storm or distress may continue or abate ... it is on its own track ... and for a while I can soothe myself with something else ...

 

I can untangle my attention from my recovery process and be elsewhere for a while ...

 

Hope this helps a bit ... 

[[dr...]]

Good morning all...

 

Nova-funny I was going to write it's a "go slow" day for me and you posted the above. Thx.

 

I slept poorly and had the usualyuckiness of the whatever nighttime rushes we get. At 4am and now at 7am. I have absolutely nowhere to be and nothing to do.  Probably just watch sports on the couch. I know this will pass.  In a decent frame of mind with acceptance

 

I also chose not to respond to that short notice request for an appt that I received Friday afternoon. I decided there is no need to be on my email on the weekend and I can respond tomorrow. It isn't an urgent need the client requires and if I feel this way tomorrow I probably won't work. Surprisingly I'm not "what iffing".  Again, after a few days of a wave all the unintentional fighting and trying to push through(hoping it's not one) just fades into acceptance. 

 

Hope everyone is doing as well as can be in their current situation.

[[...]]

Interesting Nova. I must admit I did interpret low and slow to mean generally taking it easy, which I am doing today as there is no choice in the matter. Fatigue is so bad it is scary. Slept ok too, lots of dreams, woke up about 6 for the loo, went back to sleep and woke at 11!! I feel weird and I think its because my mind is focusing on my symptoms. Im too tired to walk at the moment so just sitting in the garden freaking a little that this is never going to get better: same old eh. My neck and shoulders are so tight its causing dizziness. Ok walk to the kitchen slowly to get some more water and notice the pretty flowers I have planted and breathe.

Im so sorry some of you are feeling pretty much the same. We just have wonky brains that are fixing themselves and we do what we can. And here come the tears  :'(

[[Si...]]

Drew sorry you didn't sleep well. It makes the next day that much harder. I thought I might not sleep last night, but I did drop off rather easily (which is unusual for me). No wake ups during the night either. Luckily no bad dreams like the night before. Feeling a little better today, but still in a depressive funk. Do what you need as far as work goes. I don't blame you for waiting to answer the email sent on Friday. While I do get work emails on my phone and will read then outside of work, I usually only respond to them when I'm at work.

 

Green, I went to Russia back in the early 2000's. This wasn't to long after their whole economy crashed. So it was shocking to see some of the stuff I'd never seen before. We rode a train from Lappeenranta, Finland (parents lived in Finland at the time) to St. Petersburg, Russia. It's about a 3-½ hour train ride. We would pass by large apartment buildings. Some of them had whole sides of the building missing and people would hang rugs across the open side of their apartment to try and block out the weather. And obviously it gets REALLY cold there.

 

The nausea has passed for now, but it pops up now and then. My wife made me some rice porridge for dinner, which helped some. She's already left for her movie extra job. She has time to go to these now because she's a school teacher and is still on summer break until next week. Not sure what I'll do today. Probably watch some movies on Netflix. Do some laundry and dishes. Maybe hang out in the patio and get some sun with the cats.

[[63...]]

marj...hang in there my friend! I know only too well the symptom that you describe. As you know, it wll pass. You are in my thoughts!

 

Nova...that was a very insightful post regarding going slow. Thank you! the experience you describe in preparing tea is what I have felt when I cook, especially at the end of the day, preparing dinner for my wife and kids. Cooking dinner has been something that I have been able to do and give back to my family during my withdrawal journey, even on the darkest days. It is a task that in going slow, it pays me back ten-fold in being able to get out of my head and of symptoms, even if for a llittle bit, and intune with somthing far bigger than I am, i guess. At least, that can be how it feels.

 

I have been sturggling with the "is it me or is it withdrawal" crazyness over the last few days. For me, it is like rocket-fuel for anxiety/panic. I am able to get a little glimpse from time to time is that is is just another variation af withdrawal-induced fear/terror. Still, it is hard to keep this insight going, so i just try to accept and endure how ever I can. The mental stuff has been intense for me of late...ugh!

[[be...]]

Nova- Nice and very informative post.."Going Slow".

 

In the early months off the slowing didn't feel like it was normal..but as my healing progressed it felt normal to take it slow and take in the small distractions. This was my logical way of thinking in order to help myself heal.

 

Turtles have a long life span. 🐢

[[Gr...]]

Good morning all...

 

Nova-funny I was going to write it's a "go slow" day for me and you posted the above. Thx.

 

I slept poorly and had the usualyuckiness of the whatever nighttime rushes we get. At 4am and now at 7am. I have absolutely nowhere to be and nothing to do.  Probably just watch sports on the couch. I know this will pass.  In a decent frame of mind with acceptance

 

I also chose not to respond to that short notice request for an appt that I received Friday afternoon. I decided there is no need to be on my email on the weekend and I can respond tomorrow. It isn't an urgent need the client requires and if I feel this way tomorrow I probably won't work. Surprisingly I'm not "what iffing".  Again, after a few days of a wave all the unintentional fighting and trying to push through(hoping it's not one) just fades into acceptance. 

 

Hope everyone is doing as well as can be in their current situation.

 

Drew, I'm noticing the change in your writing, you're getting better. 

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning ... had another good sleep ...

 

Woke with the nausea stuff and the head pressure ... another day in paradise ... 

 

Nova, my man, you give the term 'lousy' a whole new meaning.  I was thinking of that, of you, when I was wondering how to define how I felt today, lol.

 

That's the beauty of this thread.  you read things people post, and if/when it happens to you, it's like immediate recognition, the aha, oh, that's what he/she meant.

I once wondered whether I was getting copycat symptoms, that maybe the thread fueled my stuff.  after 20 1/2 months of monitoring, I can say for sure my symptoms and waves have minds of their own, no copycat, and grateful to know when this stuff happens that someone else had/has it and that, once again, it's just withdrawal, stupid. 

 

Didn't get a chance to read yet.  low and slow. i'll be back later

[[No...]]

Beulah ... my totem animal is the turtle ... 

 

The experience of this recovery process engulfs me so much some times ... I need to remember that I can step away from it for some respite whenever I choose ...

 

 

[[No...]]

Robert ... that is why I spend so much time in the kitchen ... that and the oatmeal cookies ... 

 

Having a place that I can go to give myself some calm respite is one of the necessaries of this process ... and the "doing" of cooking soothes me back to some sense of "normal" oftentimes ...

[[No...]]

Green ... it is like learning the comparative and superlative of a word ... like Father Bruno taught us ... "ill, sick, dead" ... 

 

There is "okay, lousy, miserable" ...

 

I woke up lousy this morning, morphed into miserable for a few hours and has slid back to lousy late this afternoon ...looking forward to okay this evening or tomorrow ...

 

The copycat thingie ... I have often wondered about that ... gave up ... now I just call it "I am lousy too" ...