12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Hi Jenny ... I don't get much of the nerve/muscle pain anymore ... like some other things it just seemed to fade away a while ago ...

 

I still do the contraction thing in my shoulders, neck and head ... not pain, just annoying ... don't seem to get those zaps and fuzzies in the head anymore either ...

 

I guess that means more healing happened that I was not aware of until I go looking for it ...

 

We are getting there ... 

[[be...]]

Coop-this is most encouraging news.  Seriously...you being another who is hit with health anxiety you are my shining hope   How is the health anxiety?  I woke up with a bad tummy and sweating and thought heart attack   I rationally knew it but my mind kept thinking it.  I didn't even have any chest pain or heart palps   I know it is the benzo thoughts and I can't wait until they lighten.

 

.......Drew....my health fear cycles now rather than constant. When I am experiencing health fear the tone is different....it is more like worry and less like the panic of feeling like a catrastophe is immenent. ..I don't know if that makes sense. It's the difference between feeling like I AM (or might be) seconds away from a heart attack or stroke ( my repetitive health fears) and just having bouts of mental worry about health. I think one thing that is helping so much is that I am having so much less physical panic and jarring physical sx. Even with reflux and some tests coming up next week I feel mostly rational about it....with moments of 'what if', but not that suffocating sense of doom. ....Drew, it's so much better. It has been my worst year 2 sx especially in months 16-20. It started getting better around month 20.5. Even though I still worry it is so completely different. Even the looping irrational fear of stroke and heart attack has let up so much and morphed into just a normal worry that anyone who is my age might have regarding  things like that. The awful thing about health fear in w/d is that we get w/d sx that mimick exactly the sx of serious health conditions and then there we are in a spiral....making things worse it continues to happen over and over ....that part no longer happens as much for me.  I would say 85% less. ..it is just fading away..  knock on wood. ...I will probably always have some moderate health fear.  I am wired for leaning in that direction and had doctor fear and hospital fear before w/d....but nothing at all like where my mind went in w/d and panics.  ...Drew, when your physical w/d sx lessen your health fears will change in tone too.. well, that was rambling and circular.  Hope it made some sense.

......You are going to be so much better.....Standing in solidarity with you against w/d health fear.  Your hypochondriac friend.....coop

 

Hey Coop, just wanted to jump in here and let you know that you are sounding good.

I think most people outside of withdrawal has some mild health fears, docs, hospitals..this is pretty normal for most people..but in withdrawal this health fear hits the wrong nerve..which equals..catastrophe.

 

drew- Everything coop said!! Feel better.

[[Co...]]

Sky ... we is all way cool ... we are a club unto ourselves ... 

 

.......We are Da Club.....so glad to be part of this extrordinary group of lovely compassionate brave funny and wise peeps.

... We have come so far together.....as Jenny said.  Such a long time we have been together. Some of us from month 6.. I could not have done this beyond month 6 without the unfailing support of my friends here. Now we are healing together. Green told us so long ago, " no one gets left behind"....We are seeing the reality of that now and it makes me cry with happiness for all of us.  You have been such dear friends....thank you thank you....I love every one of you.  .coop

[[pe...]]

Peace ... we have all come a long, long way ... and we still probably do not recognize how much we have each accomplished ...

 

Yesterday I was pushing that damn rock up the hill all day ... had five hours of quiet, restful sleep and feel much better right now ... and who knows what the rest of this day brings ...

 

As Green says, I struggle each day "not to project", I try to be peacefully with whatever is present ... and I am often cranky and discouraged, and sometimes very lost ...

 

For some of us the drug captured us so completely that in many ways we just never realized how thoroughly our lives have been hijacked ...

 

And I marvel, every day, at the resilience and steadfastness of everyone here ... each of us are a blessing to ourselves, our families and our communities ... and that is often very difficult to acknowledge and to fully feel during this process ...

 

The "tornado" of the drugs has ransacked our lives ... for some of us it has torn everything we cherish and aspire to apart ... and we wake up each day perhaps wondering how we have survived this maelstrom ... and we have survived ... and in the aftermath of this storm many of us are still stumbling around, confused at what the hell happened ... often anxious and depressed and overwhelmed ...

 

And with gentle love and compassion we are rebuilding our lives, coming, over and over again, into the present moment of right here, right now ...

 

As some of our companions on this journey have said ... we are healing ... day by day ... we know there is a light at the end of this tunnel ... so we keep going, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time ...

 

Be well, my precious friend ... you are cherished and loved ... we hold each other's hand while we travel this path of healing ... until the day, with a blessing, a smile, and a tear, we can let go and wave good bye ... nobody gets left behind ... 

 

Oh, Nova. Your heart is amazing. Thank you.  I agree with Coop that when you feel up to it and if you would choose, you would be a great coach to people in wd or any person moving through this thing called life. I am blessed by your words and grateful that today was a shade better than yesterday. And that is a huge lesson for me. I think Green mentioned it, the ability to know that no feeling is permanent. This too shall pass.

And I am pissed and throwing caution to the wind. Tired of being so careful (or well enough to take the risks?). I'm in Chicago with my husband attending a conference. And pushing myself.... to have fun! Last night we went to an arcade and tonight we're getting deep dish pizza and I'm eating gluten, dairy, and tomatoes from the evil nightshade family. Bring it!

I'll probably be back tomorrow with my tail between my legs and my belly in a bigger mess than it is. But I don't even care about tomorrow. Right now I want gooey cheese and the slight buzz of being alive.

 

Thank you all for your steady support. Always.

Peace2

 

 

[[dr...]]

You go peace!!!! 

 

 

I had a client email me for an appt on Monday or Tuesday.  I already have two appts on Tursday and have been trying to limit them. I chose not to respond right away(as its late Friday when the email arrived).  I have a fear of the head pain and while I did okay in the last meeting it was very taxing. I figure I could respond in a day or so and hopefully I feel better than now. Feel sort of bad about that.

[[No...]]

Peace ... Chicago deep dish pizza ... I am truly jealous ...

 

Right now is where we are ... may we all be there ... 

[[Co...]]

Peace....yes!.  That is exactly where I was before my daughter's wedding.....I was sick and tired of being careful and pissed and determined to have a good time. I felt like I owed it to my family who have been on the short end of this stick since day 1....on this day above all others I was claiming it as mine even if it meant a battle to the teeth with benzo. The timing worked in my favor..  I think it was going to be a window day regardless....Like you I threw all caution to the wind and ate some foods not on the reflux list and had half a glass of alcohol as well..  I felt triumphant....more importantly it made my family happy.  So worth it

. ...You go MightyGirl....have a wonderful time.....and come back and tell us about it....love to you.....coop

[[Co...]]

You go peace!!!! 

 

 

I had a client email me for an appt on Monday or Tuesday.  I already have two appts on Tursday and have been trying to limit them. I chose not to respond right away(as its late Friday when the email arrived).  I have a fear of the head pain and while I did okay in the last meeting it was very taxing. I figure I could respond in a day or so and hopefully I feel better than now. Feel sort of bad about that.

 

.....Drew.....do not feel bad....take care of yourself.....I think it is entirely appropriate to see that client when it fits your schedule more comfortably....I think you are right to let your anxiety about the meeting settle before you respond. A late Friday e-mail could go until Monday morning ....imo...

.....it's Friday....let it go....let it go....let it go......coop

[[63...]]

Peace ... we have all come a long, long way ... and we still probably do not recognize how much we have each accomplished ...

 

Yesterday I was pushing that damn rock up the hill all day ... had five hours of quiet, restful sleep and feel much better right now ... and who knows what the rest of this day brings ...

 

As Green says, I struggle each day "not to project", I try to be peacefully with whatever is present ... and I am often cranky and discouraged, and sometimes very lost ...

 

For some of us the drug captured us so completely that in many ways we just never realized how thoroughly our lives have been hijacked ...

 

And I marvel, every day, at the resilience and steadfastness of everyone here ... each of us are a blessing to ourselves, our families and our communities ... and that is often very difficult to acknowledge and to fully feel during this process ...

 

The "tornado" of the drugs has ransacked our lives ... for some of us it has torn everything we cherish and aspire to apart ... and we wake up each day perhaps wondering how we have survived this maelstrom ... and we have survived ... and in the aftermath of this storm many of us are still stumbling around, confused at what the hell happened ... often anxious and depressed and overwhelmed ...

 

And with gentle love and compassion we are rebuilding our lives, coming, over and over again, into the present moment of right here, right now ...

 

As some of our companions on this journey have said ... we are healing ... day by day ... we know there is a light at the end of this tunnel ... so we keep going, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time ...

 

Be well, my precious friend ... you are cherished and loved ... we hold each other's hand while we travel this path of healing ... until the day, with a blessing, a smile, and a tear, we can let go and wave good bye ... nobody gets left behind ... 

 

 

Nova...this is just beautiful!  You are a very dear soul my friend!

[[pe...]]

I ate the pizza then suggested we walk down to see beautiful Lake Michigan. So many sailboats and wind surfers, children playing on the beach. I walked barefoot in the soft sand and we talked about the advice we'd give our younger selves. We could give three rules to live by. I chose always get at least eight hours of sleep, listen to your intuition, and move toward joy. Then I decided that my middle aged self will benefit just as much from such advice. So I'm going to take my own advice. Hard to do, but a good challenge.

 

Love to you all,

Peace2

 

And Drew, I agree with Coop. You probably have to meet with the client (I don't really know how these things work...) but that's a pretty quick time frame for scheduling and conducting a meeting. It would make sense that you're already booked and it sounds like you truly are. Push it out til later in the week and enjoy the weekend.

[[dr...]]

I'm better now. I mean my head symptoms aren't but I read the email when I was in a high anxiety state.  Believe it or not I had a coca cola for the first time in years!  It was a Mexican one with real sugar. Regardless it made me loopy. I never have that but I craved it.  Whatever. Lol

 

I'll meet with the client but I'll respond when feeling better. 

 

Btw-coop I got your dry throat cough.  Ugh.

[[63...]]

I ate the pizza then suggested we walk down to see beautiful Lake Michigan. So many sailboats and wind surfers, children playing on the beach. I walked barefoot in the soft sand and we talked about the advice we'd give our younger selves. We could give three rules to live by. I chose always get at least eight hours of sleep, listen to your intuition, and move toward joy. Then I decided that my middle aged self will benefit just as much from such advice. So I'm going to take my own advice. Hard to do, but a good challenge.

 

Love to you all,

Peace2

 

And Drew, I agree with Coop. You probably have to meet with the client (I don't really know how these things work...) but that's a pretty quick time frame for scheduling and conducting a meeting. It would make sense that you're already booked and it sounds like you truly are. Push it out til later in the week and enjoy the weekend.

 

Peace...it sound like your able to enjoy your vacation with your husband. I am so happy for you. But, at the same time, i know what a challenge it can be in the midst of difficult symptoms. I am suprised time and time again by what we can rally and "just do" even in the midst of intense symptoms. Take good care!

[[Co...]]

I'm better now. I mean my head symptoms aren't but I read the email when I was in a high anxiety state.  Believe it or not I had a coca cola for the first time in years!  It was a Mexican one with real sugar. Regardless it made me loopy. I never have that but I craved it.  Whatever. Lol

 

I'll meet with the client but I'll respond when feeling better. 

 

Btw-coop I got your dry throat cough.  Ugh.

 

.....Oh, man!....Drew....I hate it that you have that cough.  I so hope it is a brief passing sx. Chewing gum helped mine sometimes....although not a good look at work.  Relaxation breathing also helped......Wishing you a good weekend with big sunbreaks.  ..coop

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... another night of quiet, restful sleep ... hmmm ... another improvement? ...

 

Clear as a bell outside this morning ... sunshine ...

 

I feel a little foggy and kind of displaced ... perhaps a little un-anchored ...

 

Oh well, got to get to the library and rescue my stash ... holiday here on Monday ... Natal Day ...

 

Let's all have a good Saturday ... I insist ... 

[[No...]]

Drew ... Coca-Cola = caffeine ... if I ever want to visit the other side of the moon I just take in some caffeine ... rocket fuel for me ... 

[[No...]]

Hi Marj ... hope you are having a good weekend ... 

[[...]]

Hi there Nova,

Ive just been catching up on the thread. Lots of wisdom and encouragement going on, especially from you dear, kind man. This group is wonderful, I dont think I have ever been in the company of such support. Sometimes I imagine us all getting together in some wonerful location when we are all cometely well and having an amazing time laughing about all this. I already have a dear friend on here who I intend to visit at some point. Getting to know and receiving support from people who I have never physically met restores my faith in humanity. 

 

Well I managed to prize myself out of bed at 10 after some decent sleep and am so fatigued and not able to do anything since. Got the head, neck and shoulder thing going on that you are familiar with, some tingling and that full of lead feeling too, oh and blurred vision and fog. Basically if someone shouted 'fire' I would struggle Ive never particularly had health fears, however my mind is trying to say, maybe you have MS or CFS. I have a week off from work and it would be good to have a week off from this too. Im sure things will improve. Just like everyone, pissed off that life is passing by.

 

Yes,  I have seen Miss Potter and it is a lovely, sweet film 

[[No...]]

Marj ... yep, the health fear thing ... I think perhaps it is related to doubt and "just what the hell is going on?" ...

 

Perhaps it has a lot to do with the fact we are in a place we have never been before and very few people understand and acknowledge ... and the fact that the consequences of the drug(s) mimics so many things we are familiar with ...

 

Hence the creeping doubt ...

 

I was reflecting last night as I fell asleep that for me the first "loss" due to the drug was trust ... trust in the familiar, the everyday ...the trust we learned early on ... when my brain gets this messed up with the drug and this recovery the anchor of trust has disappeared ...

 

Gradually as I am emerging from this process trust seems to be returning ... quite tentative still ... and as the days come and go it seems to be getting stronger ... perhaps another sign of healing ...

 

Have a good weekend ... 

[[...]]

Yes Nova,  I do believe there are a lot of healing signs with yourself. It is so slow we dont notice it ourselves. Also, you of course are right a out the imitating of health issues. We know this and benzo takes advantage of our fragile minds to scare us.

 

Hope your weekend proves fruitful 

[[Si...]]

My window is definetly over. I did sleep last night, but had bad dreams all night and kept waking up. I guess I have the benzo flu as I just feel run down. I have the burning mostly down my neck and spine. I'm going to start my Vit D2 prescription today. We had to cancel on going to a birthday party tonight. I just don't feel like going. I guess at least it's Saturday.

 

Hope everybody is doing ok today.

[[No...]]

Siggy ... yep ... this can often feel like "flu" ... and that kind of dreaming is hard to take ...

 

Hope you have a quiet weekend and can relax for a while ... 

[[dr...]]

Good morning all....siggy and marj I'm right there with you.  I have head tingling and painful scalp spots. I also read by accident a post that a bb said she has frontal lobe epilepsy.  I stopped reading and didn't even google it but my health anxiety fears convinced me I might have it at 4am. Like nova says this has been going on so long we want to attribute it to other things. Our brains fill in the gaps. This stuff is so bizarre!  Brain and head tingling. 

 

While I can be rational and type out that these are all normal symptoms, our benzo brain does its own thing. I kept repeating affirmations all night that I'm healthy, healing, and these thoughts are benzo lies.  Really hate this but I have to remember at fifteen months this is normal. Part of me thinks I should be healed even though I say it's two years on average. As much as I want to be better, this is my reality. 

[[Si...]]

Good morning all....siggy and marj I'm right there with you.  I have head tingling and painful scalp spots. I also read by accident a post that a bb said she has frontal lobe epilepsy.  I stopped reading and didn't even google it but my health anxiety fears convinced me I might have it at 4am. Like nova says this has been going on so long we want to attribute it to other things. Our brains fill in the gaps. This stuff is so bizarre!  Brain and head tingling. 

 

While I can be rational and type out that these are all normal symptoms, our benzo brain does its own thing. I kept repeating affirmations all night that I'm healthy, healing, and these thoughts are benzo lies.  Really hate this but I have to remember at fifteen months this is normal. Part of me thinks I should be healed even though I say it's two years on average. As much as I want to be better, this is my reality.

 

Very true drew. It's especially hard after feeling nearly fine for two weeks. I just keep feeling like it will never end. I'm tempted to take half a magnesium in hopes that it may take the edge off. The depression that lifted is now back. Last weekend I was running around doing normal stuff. This weekend I'm stuck inside feeling terrible. So did you sleep at all last night?

[[dr...]]

Up since 4am with health fearand "what if"thoughts about how I'm going to get through my client meetings without having a medical problem. Even though my brain was checked out the lies say "that wouldn't show up on a ct scan".  It's my clouded benzo brain lying so I'm just distracting as best I can.  I always manage to make it through whatever I've had too.

[[dr...]]

This is just a post so I can rationalize my feelings right now.

 

  This will not last forever even though it feels like I won't be the one to heal. We all feel that way. The tingling and weird pains in and on my head are normal recovery symptoms.  I never had these before jumping from these drugs. They are also listed as side effects.  I had a CT scan and nothing bad showed up.  The benzo lies are telling me they missed something and I never had an mri which woukd show the bad stuff.

 

I know my mind is twirling with benzo lies right now and I know I've made progress even if it doesn't fell like it right now.  This has been a hard run with no wide open windows in a long time. Rinse and repeat until I'm washed of this burden.