12-18 month support

[[Co...]]

yup...my morning yucks on coming on cue...when they hit it's almost always around 9-10am and lasts about an hour or so and thenslowly fades.  I get in by 7:30 and really try to knock out all my important stuff for the day.  My brain just seems to shift, trouble breathing, HR picks up along with anxiety and fear....not too bad yet and I this is part of the process.  I just really wonder what is going on that it hits the same time.  Rhetorical question.

 

.....Drew, this is exactly where I was in month 16/17....it was almost like clock work. Every morning from 830 to noon....anxiety, dizziness, d/r ,cof fog and fear....and like clock work....the afternoons felt like healing....this will fade...

....NZ....wow.  great ' wedding vunue'. ...You are going to have a beautiful wedding...and 3 months more healed.  Onward....coop

[[Gr...]]

Drew, I don't know if I'm in the home stretch, but I can see that it will end one day because when my thinking clears up I can see how I am healing. I felt like I was getting worse from month 15-19, but now I can look back and see that I was healing the whole time.. Hang in there!

 

Jenny, I totally relate.  There are times in this second year where the physical symptoms are so much worse than the first that it's easy to think we're getting worse.  But we are getting better. 

The last few days have been tough for me, and I can't figure out why.  which makes me think I'm still getting mental wave-like activity but it just doesn't get as bad as before.  How I'm feeling is different from normal irritability, frustration and moodiness, it's definitely similar to the old horrible waves, just not as intense, like maybe a distant cousin wave, 5th cousin 5x removed.  But the feeling of being out of sorts is still impacting my day

I loved Ian Singleton's comment from Marj's post, what whatever weakness you have, withdrawal will find it and exacerbate it.  I think that goes for mental stuff, too. 

And I loved your post about how long we've all been together on this journey.  I'm so grateful that I had all of you, that we all had each other.

 

Okay, I'm feeling mildly crazy today, I have to sign off before it starts to show!

 

[[Gr...]]

Peace ... we have all come a long, long way ... and we still probably do not recognize how much we have each accomplished ...

 

Yesterday I was pushing that damn rock up the hill all day ... had five hours of quiet, restful sleep and feel much better right now ... and who knows what the rest of this day brings ...

 

As Green says, I struggle each day "not to project", I try to be peacefully with whatever is present ... and I am often cranky and discouraged, and sometimes very lost ...

 

For some of us the drug captured us so completely that in many ways we just never realized how thoroughly our lives have been hijacked ...

 

And I marvel, every day, at the resilience and steadfastness of everyone here ... each of us are a blessing to ourselves, our families and our communities ... and that is often very difficult to acknowledge and to fully feel during this process ...

 

The "tornado" of the drugs has ransacked our lives ... for some of us it has torn everything we cherish and aspire to apart ... and we wake up each day perhaps wondering how we have survived this maelstrom ... and we have survived ... and in the aftermath of this storm many of us are still stumbling around, confused at what the hell happened ... often anxious and depressed and overwhelmed ...

 

And with gentle love and compassion we are rebuilding our lives, coming, over and over again, into the present moment of right here, right now ...

 

As some of our companions on this journey have said ... we are healing ... day by day ... we know there is a light at the end of this tunnel ... so we keep going, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time ...

 

Be well, my precious friend ... you are cherished and loved ... we hold each other's hand while we travel this path of healing ... until the day, with a blessing, a smile, and a tear, we can let go and wave good bye ... nobody gets left behind ... 

 

Nova, this is a beautiful post.  I have to take my own advice to Peace, I simply cannot look back, not yet, anyway, and for some reason I can't look into the future, I can't see myself -- it just occurred to me my thinking is a little off today, a little crazy, a little negative, lol.  I need to stop thinking at all!  It's dangerous.

 

I will come back to this after the crazy cloud passes

 

Enjoy your day, Nova.  So glad you got some good sleep and you're off to the market

[[Gr...]]

Hey Sky ... you are finally 21 ... 

 

Hope things settle down for you real soon ... be well, my friend ... 

 

Yeah ! Now, I get to go to clubs and stuff. 

 

But, I am already in the most exclusive club on earth, you don't get any cooler than this thread do you ? 

 

Sky, my thinking is so skewed today!  for a moment I thought you were out clubbing, lol!  I was thinking, damn, she had better write her success story!

I think my thinking is where yours was last week.  all the intrusive, negative stuff.

 

Oh my, as Drew says, I need to find a hole in the ground so I can stick my head in it

[[dr...]]

Coop-exactly!!!  that is what I get.  My therapist seems to feel that since it always happens when I am at work it's work stress.  i tell him no...I get it on the weekends too and sometimes another dose in late afternoon.  My evenings are ALWAYS the best.  When I am in a window I have none of these intraday waves.  thx dear.  

[[Fi...]]

Yes Green, Rx for you today--please stop thinking!  You were expressing much more positive stuff about yourself a while back.  What you've got going today is JUST CHEMICALS.  Do not let them have power over you.  You're a strong, smart woman and you will be well when you well and not before.  In the meantime, stop smacking yourself!

[[dr...]]

Hey Sky ... you are finally 21 ... 

 

Hope things settle down for you real soon ... be well, my friend ... 

 

Yeah ! Now, I get to go to clubs and stuff. 

 

But, I am already in the most exclusive club on earth, you don't get any cooler than this thread do you ? 

 

Sky, my thinking is so skewed today! for a moment I thought you were out clubbing, lol!  I was thinking, damn, she had better write her success story!

I think my thinking is where yours was last week.  all the intrusive, negative stuff.

 

Oh my, as Drew says, I need to find a hole in the ground so I can stick my head in it

 

Dont worry Green...I'm right there with you. 

[[dr...]]

FJ-I just want to give you props.   Now that you're healed you have stuck around to give insight to us. In addition, I often see you helping others in the general area. 

[[Gr...]]

Hi Green ... yep, crankiness ... didn't even go out today ... this head pressure and breathing stuff ... makes for a lousy day ...

 

Oh well ... tomorrow is Friday ... 

 

Nova, no head pressure for me.  (I hesitate, afraid now it will come!)  but that breathy feeling, like I'm slightly out of breath, and feeling a little intense, wired, but no energy and disorganized.  It feels like a very mild version of my old waves.  I forced myself to focus and try to accomplish something.  That used to work.  The heat has kept me from walking.  Hope to get back into a routine. 

 

Maybe we're feeling cooped up?  Have we lost our groove, lol? 

 

How did that paint job end up?  Hoping for a better day tomorrow.  I seem to be saying that a lot?

;

 

 

Green, this is a perfect description of me today with some head pressure. My muscles are tightening so much i have some numbness in my arms and hands.

 

Yes, I am calmer for now. I have learnt never to believe how am am right now will last, and that applies to good and bad.

 

I also have questioned the small dose of vallium I was on and how I have been hit numerous times. Apparently, it doesn't matter. It's more the fact I took it for nearly 2 years and you are right, I must be very sensitive. I was thinking about this last night and can think of instances where I have reacted badly to meds. One antibiotic made my face swell so much I was unrecognizable. Strange as I have no other allergies or sensitivities.

 

I have no updates today as Bristol don't work Fridays. I will post things when I think it will be helpful. A lot of the stuff is repetative, as you all know we are sort of stuck in a loop in this where we get reassurance, then we forget and so on.

 

I do remember someone, actually two people saying to me that benzos bind to fat cells and when we have sx it is the body throwing more of the drug out of us and the body then trying to adjust to this. I don't know how true this is. I suppose the only sure thing is every day is a day closer to healing  We will all get there in the end 

 

Marj, I've heard the binding to fat theory, and I don't know that I buy that.  Neuro adaptation makes the most sense.  Although it's possible.  what's disturbing is that no one knows.  all we're doing is speculating.  I do think the drug companies know plenty, but they're not telling.

 

The two years on the drug.  Actually, when I was on .5 for sleep only, I got hit with a tolerance that was brutal, and that was after only two years.  I was even misdiagnosed with CFS.  So all of us here need to be careful with medication.

 

 

 

I remember taking Zoloft once, when I was in my twenties.  A child's dose gave me hives and left me without sleep for two days.

 

learning that how I feel right now won't last, that's actually a good coping skill once we're better.

 

have a better day.

[[Gr...]]

Yes Green, Rx for you today--please stop thinking!  You were expressing much more positive stuff about yourself a while back.  What you've got going today is JUST CHEMICALS.  Do not let them have power over you.  You're a strong, smart woman and you will be well when you well and not before.  In the meantime, stop smacking yourself!

 

Yes Green, Rx for you today--please stop thinking  Is there a good way to do that?  lol. 

 

rough day, but manageable. I'm fixing to stop thinking right about now!  ty. have a good day.

[[Co...]]

Coop-this is most encouraging news.  Seriously...you being another who is hit with health anxiety you are my shining hope   How is the health anxiety?  I woke up with a bad tummy and sweating and thought heart attack   I rationally knew it but my mind kept thinking it.  I didn't even have any chest pain or heart palps   I know it is the benzo thoughts and I can't wait until they lighten.

 

.......Drew....my health fear cycles now rather than constant. When I am experiencing health fear the tone is different....it is more like worry and less like the panic of feeling like a catrastophe is immenent. ..I don't know if that makes sense. It's the difference between feeling like I AM (or might be) seconds away from a heart attack or stroke ( my repetitive health fears) and just having bouts of mental worry about health. I think one thing that is helping so much is that I am having so much less physical panic and jarring physical sx. Even with reflux and some tests coming up next week I feel mostly rational about it....with moments of 'what if', but not that suffocating sense of doom. ....Drew, it's so much better. It has been my worst year 2 sx especially in months 16-20. It started getting better around month 20.5. Even though I still worry it is so completely different. Even the looping irrational fear of stroke and heart attack has let up so much and morphed into just a normal worry that anyone who is my age might have regarding  things like that. The awful thing about health fear in w/d is that we get w/d sx that mimick exactly the sx of serious health conditions and then there we are in a spiral....making things worse it continues to happen over and over ....that part no longer happens as much for me.  I would say 85% less. ..it is just fading away..  knock on wood. ...I will probably always have some moderate health fear.  I am wired for leaning in that direction and had doctor fear and hospital fear before w/d....but nothing at all like where my mind went in w/d and panics.  ...Drew, when your physical w/d sx lessen your health fears will change in tone too.. well, that was rambling and circular.  Hope it made some sense.

......You are going to be so much better.....Standing in solidarity with you against w/d health fear.  Your hypochondriac friend.....coop

[[Co...]]

Coop-exactly!!!  that is what I get.  My therapist seems to feel that since it always happens when I am at work it's work stress.  i tell him no...I get it on the weekends too and sometimes another dose in late afternoon.  My evenings are ALWAYS the best.  When I am in a window I have none of these intraday waves.  thx dear.

......Yep, I think that is the litmus test.. if it disappears in a window. I will say that my faux sx would appear right on cue during stress, especially social stress, like simple conversations made me get that scared feeling of dread.  Having said that, it was the w/d causing both the stress and the sx..  In a window ( and 80% of the time now) I talk and function socially as I did before w/d. ....I think the sx show up intensely at work and social situations because we worry and cross our fingers and hope so hard that they won't show up when we are with other people.  .especially at work. It has been only this month that I can go out for dinner and be mostly normal....I still can't stay too much more than an hour or so.  This will get better for you. . A few more months....You are handling it all so well.  I would not have been able to do half of what you do. ....You are going to have your life back.  .and we will all do the best happy dance for you.....coop

[[dr...]]

Coop-this is most encouraging news.  Seriously...you being another who is hit with health anxiety you are my shining hope   How is the health anxiety?  I woke up with a bad tummy and sweating and thought heart attack   I rationally knew it but my mind kept thinking it.  I didn't even have any chest pain or heart palps   I know it is the benzo thoughts and I can't wait until they lighten.

 

.......Drew....my health fear cycles now rather than constant. When I am experiencing health fear the tone is different....it is more like worry and less like the panic of feeling like a catrastophe is immenent. ..I don't know if that makes sense. It's the difference between feeling like I AM (or might be) seconds away from a heart attack or stroke ( my repetitive health fears) and just having bouts of mental worry about health. I think one thing that is helping so much is that I am having so much less physical panic and jarring physical sx. Even with reflux and some tests coming up next week I feel mostly rational about it....with moments of 'what if', but not that suffocating sense of doom. ....Drew, it's so much better. It has been my worst year 2 sx especially in months 16-20. It started getting better around month 20.5. Even though I still worry it is so completely different. Even the looping irrational fear of stroke and heart attack has let up so much and morphed into just a normal worry that anyone who is my age might have regarding  things like that. The awful thing about health fear in w/d is that we get w/d sx that mimick exactly the sx of serious health conditions and then there we are in a spiral....making things worse it continues to happen over and over ....that part no longer happens as much for me.  I would say 85% less. ..it is just fading away..  knock on wood. ...I will probably always have some moderate health fear.  I am wired for leaning in that direction and had doctor fear and hospital fear before w/d....but nothing at all like where my mind went in w/d and panics.  ...Drew, when your physical w/d sx lessen your health fears will change in tone too.. well, that was rambling and circular.  Hope it made some sense.

......You are going to be so much better.....Standing in solidarity with you against w/d health fear.  Your hypochondriac friend.....coop

 

It already does coop.

 

oh yes coop...I used to only be able to be in a restaraunt for 30 minutes...then an hour...my limit is about 1.5 hours now.  when in a wave it's home meals

[[Co...]]

Drew, I don't know if I'm in the home stretch, but I can see that it will end one day because when my thinking clears up I can see how I am healing. I felt like I was getting worse from month 15-19, but now I can look back and see that I was healing the whole time.. Hang in there!

 

Jenny, I totally relate.  There are times in this second year where the physical symptoms are so much worse than the first that it's easy to think we're getting worse.  But we are getting better. 

The last few days have been tough for me, and I can't figure out why.  which makes me think I'm still getting mental wave-like activity but it just doesn't get as bad as before.  How I'm feeling is different from normal irritability, frustration and moodiness, it's definitely similar to the old horrible waves, just not as intense, like maybe a distant cousin wave, 5th cousin 5x removed.  But the feeling of being out of sorts is still impacting my day

I loved Ian Singleton's comment from Marj's post, what whatever weakness you have, withdrawal will find it and exacerbate it.  I think that goes for mental stuff, too. 

And I loved your post about how long we've all been together on this journey.  I'm so grateful that I had all of you, that we all had each other.

 

Okay, I'm feeling mildly crazy today, I have to sign off before it starts to show!

 

......Green....me too....still some wavy days....but the wave is so diluted from what they used to be. Feelings and fears that are still w/d but very wimpy ....benzo is starting to die....finally

.......Green, it's just the last dregs of this ....I wanted to be one of those who just woke up one day completely healed....HA!...To me this feels like when you get over pneumonia .  you finally feel better ....do some things for a few days and then you are down again for a day....goes on like that for months. At this stage I forget on a daily basis ...the cardinal rule of w/d...healing is circular. ...I am fatigued today and found myself , like you, wondering " what the hell...I felt good yesterday and had pretty good sleep"..  oh, yeah....I  not done yet and w/d is here today all dressed up as fatigue.

....We still have a few more months to go to month 24....but we are definitely almost there....you are not sounding crazy.  you are sounding almost there.....go easy sista....coop

[[Co...]]

Drew ... pizza is for Friday ... she who must be obeyed insists on Pizza Friday ... I see it is the same in Ohio ...

 

Got to the market and back ... home about an hour and the contraction head and sinus stuff started up ... oh well, got a few hours away from it ...

 

The pizza will help a little later ... always does ... 

 

.....Nova.....so sorry some sx landed on you after you got back....Glad that your walk to the market was without sx

.....yes, pizza....that soothes most everything....I hope your day opens up again to sunbreaks......carry on friend......coop

[[dr...]]

coop-I am about to head out of work but I just wanted to say you sound AMAZING

[[Fi...]]

FJ-I just want to give you props.   Now that you're healed you have stuck around to give insight to us. In addition, I often see you helping others in the general area.

 

Well, thanks for noticing, Drew.  I do try.  It's part of my own final healing whenever I feel like I've helped somebody, and it feels like such a gift to be confidently well enough to be able to remind people without equivocating that they, too, will get through this.

 

Green--as for the not thinking--my go-to Rx was watching How I Met Your Mother and now Friends.  I'd hunker down with my heating pad and wear headphones to give the illusion that these other voices were going straight into my head and maybe bypassing my own sick train of thought.  You're right, you can't NOT think about a pink elephant in the room. But you can distract.  I watched plenty of other stuff too, but somehow those two shows served up just the right about the fast past humor that never got into anything heavy.  I could watch feeling safe that nothing scary or disturbing would be brought up.  I think the writers of those shows and the comic timing of the actors is just spot-on.  Lots of laugh-out-loud moments, which is the real barometer of success in a show for me at this point!

[[je...]]

Feel better Drew and Green! Thinking of you

Coop! You sound so good 👍

[[be...]]

Beulah, sorry you woke up to the nerve pain and burning belly-- no fun! I've had many days like that myself.. I hate the nerve pain, I can't wait till that sx is gone.. I asked my husband last night to massage my arms for me because they were burning, and I couldn't feel them-- can be so painful still. I hope you feel better, Jenny 💕

Thanks Jenny!! We both have been around and around with the nerve pain. :tickedoff:

I seem to be using that little angry guy a lot lately, maybe I have anger issues..oh yeah..come to think of it ..I do!!!!! I'm angry that my life is on hold for so long. Just had to throw that little rant in their

Yep, sometimes the numbness goes along with the burning..they are an evil pair.

They say the physical can be the last symptoms to leave..nerve pain..be gone!!!!!

Hope this eases for you.

[[be...]]

Beulah ... sorry you woke up in the soup ... and as you said, this one will pass, just like all the others ...

 

Sent the rabbit to Ohio ... he got fired from our market ... ate too many carrots ...

 

Hope your day levels out for you ... 

 

 

Ahhh Nova,😈  But you probably forgot about Mrs Bunny and their little bunnies..I have one..you have many🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰. What will you ever do?

[[No...]]

Beulah ... sent all of them to the farm ... I know several rabbit holes I have been down over the last few months ... perhaps they can find a comfy home there ...

 

Well ... today was a whole lot better than yesterday ... no crazy woollies today ... just even tempered ones ...

 

Hope you have a good evening ... 

[[be...]]

Hey Sky ... you are finally 21 ... 

 

Hope things settle down for you real soon ... be well, my friend ... 

 

Yeah ! Now, I get to go to clubs and stuff. 

 

But, I am already in the most exclusive club on earth, you don't get any cooler than this thread do you ? 

 

Sky, my thinking is so skewed today!  for a moment I thought you were out clubbing, lol!  I was thinking, damn, she had better write her success story!

I think my thinking is where yours was last week.  all the intrusive, negative stuff.

 

Oh my, as Drew says, I need to find a hole in the ground so I can stick my head in it

 

Green, I know what you mean about the thinking feeling skewed up. I used to wouldn't post here from the  fear of my brain not understanding and making sense. Sometimes I see old posts that I made and I cringe..the mind was really skewed up.

 

We just have to keep reminding ourselves..this is all temporary.

[[No...]]

Drew ... the intense health fears seem to be a thing of the past for me ... they just sort of faded away sometime, don't know exactly when ...

 

I still do my standing on one leg routine ... in Tai Chi ... the Golden Rooster pose ... always dispels any lingering thoughts of stroke or heart attack ...

[[No...]]

Sky ... we is all way cool ... we are a club unto ourselves ... 

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... the crazy temperature/humidex got to 95 F around here this afternoon ... holy heat wave batpeople ...

 

Hope you are enjoying your day ...