12-18 month support

[[Se...]]

(Musing)  Man... Trying not to be hard on myself, because beating myself up repeatedly will not aid in my healing.  But, I really need to get past the notion I'm a victim.  It's really not doing me any favors if I can't forgive myself for ever taking a benzo.  I will need to, at some point, try and forgive the two ignorant doctors who prescribed me this garbage, because I know intuitively that full healing occurs when there has been forgiveness... forgiveness of self and of others.  I think it's just too early in the game yet, though.  I think I need more recovery under my belt first.  I am so confused... every minute, every day.  The looping thoughts slay me.  Thoughts like this race around in my brain just about every waking moment.  If a power source could hook up to my thought processes, I could probably provide enough energy to power a small town.

[[...]]

Sorry Drew, for how this hits us, it's just the nervous system out of sync. It will pass. This will not hurt you and one day soon it will be over. 15+ months is done now. I spoke to Bristol TP today and they have lots of people at this stage exactly the same level of suffering. He said this is perfectly normal and he wouldn't expect anything else. The ones that heal quicker are definitely the minority in their experience and that is vast,years and years. Just like Baylissa. They cannot be wrong 

 

Thanks for posting this, marj.  It gives me hope today.  I have to believe it is truth.  How nice it must be for you to have the telephone support from experts who can reassure.  How I wish we had something similar here.  Alas, North America is far behind in this regard.

 

Serenity, they are a God send. I seriously don't know how I would get through each day at work. I have been literally crying to them every lunchtime recently. It's normal behaviour to them, they are also very busy, the phone never stops ringing. Those 10 minutes of being told the same thing just get me through. When I ask for the umpteenth time 'do people really get better' I am told, of course, or there would be no point doing this job. Also they are either healed themselves or have direct experience of someone who has. It's unbelievable there isn't anything in the US. Stay strong 

[[je...]]

Just lost my whole post.. Ugh!

Drew-- great news about your cholesterol! I hope your massage helps and you start to feel better, migraines are the worst and make it hard to function.

Marj and sky-- thanks for reassuring me about my eyes, its quite scary. I hope both of you get a break from your waves..

Nova-- its frustrating.. Hard to believe that people still don't know anything about benzo w/d. More and more people are joining BB, its affecting more and more people. I think it's just a matter of time, it might take 20-30 years but I do think one day people will be aware of how dangerous these drugs are. That is my hope anyway..

[[No...]]

Green ... sorry you are in the physical soup ... I woke this morning pretty calm and chipper ... gradually slid off into my head pressure stuff again ... and I seem to have some of the eye stuff that is going around ...

 

The clarity is here to stay for me ... and my brain is working pretty well ... now when my body catches up that will be grand ...

 

My goal with my "community stuff" is rather simple ... five years ago I found no resources locally that would help me to make any decisions ... and I have nothing "vested" in this process ... it does not matter to me that generally people do not care ... and that folks are going down other paths when it comes to their mental health ...

 

If I can assemble an "information package" and deposit it somewhere the public has access to ... that will be enough ... if this "work" generates other possibilities then I will sit with them if and when they arise ...

 

Within the Twelve Step tradition ... Step 12 has a resonance for me ... I have never had cause to engage in the Twelve Steps, however I acknowledge and accept their value in the community ...

 

Be Well, my friend ... 

[[be...]]

thx for chiming in marge...

 

I slept pretty well as I am really working on sleep hygiene and still using the tryptophan.  No negative side effects I can notice plus it's supposed to help with migraines.  We shall see.  At three weeks since last visual aura.  Even with the good sleep my heart palp/breathing trouble, anxiety switch flipped on in the car this am.  reminded myself to do the breathing stuff and positive talk. It might be a hard day but I will make it as always.

 

I dd stop in quick to get my test results on my cholesterol and the nurse practitioner believed I could still feel crappy after 15 months..YAY!  When I said I was shocked she didn't tell me like most other Dr's it only will last a month she said she has done a lot of reading on it lately.  May I dare say there is progress being made?  She did say why not take lexapro or something else to make it easier but when I said no she understood and didn't push.  She respected what I was doing.

 

I got great news on my cholesterol.  I dropped  50 on the bad cholesterol and all my numbers are extremely healthy now.  I know i will only get better when I feel better and can do more to improve my body.  That is all.

 

Good news on the cholesterol.

I had a good checkup today also. I didn't have to body slam my doc today and no arguments.

[[No...]]

Beulah ... there must be a Bizzaro cartoon somewhere depicting body slamming your doc ... 

 

Glad you had a good check up ... 

[[No...]]

Serenity ... the confusion will gradually lift ... clarity is coming ... while we wait, these awarenesses regarding what we will need to do down the road are helpful ... we can gently accept them for now and place them on the back burner until the time is right ...

[[dr...]]

Nova-so happy your clarity is back. Mine is so much better now too but still have a ways to go.

 

Beulah-you made laugh w the body slam comment.

 

My crazy anxiety passed for now.  The headache is here but I'm pretty sure the massage soon will work.

 

I think we always need the constant reminders that where we are at this is still normal and we aren't behind in our healing.

[[No...]]

Drew ... I don't believe we are ever "behind" in our healing ... and it can be uncomfortable and distressing when this stuff keeps coming round again ... and it always lets up for while ...

 

Good to hear you are feeling better ... have a good massage ...

[[No...]]

Hi Jenny and Marj ... busy thread this afternoon ... hope you both have a quiet evening ... 

[[Se...]]

Serenity ... the confusion will gradually lift ... clarity is coming ... while we wait, these awarenesses regarding what we will need to do down the road are helpful ... we can gently accept them for now and place them on the back burner until the time is right ...

 

Thank you, Nova.  That makes me feel better.  The brain heals in mysterious ways... I've felt more clarity overall early-ish in the 1st year.  Or maybe I actually didn't... it may have all been a benzo illusion.   I won't truly know more until I'm further out.  This limbo-land is a disconcerting place to be. 

[[Si...]]

Hi everyone. I was feeling decent the last few weeks so haven't been on much. I've only missed 4 nights of sleep this month. One was last light for some unknown reason. It's basically been one night a week. I'm super worn out after work today. Had a massive multimillion $ job that I've been working on for a week and a half. The bid had to go out tonight. Sorry to hear everyone else are still having some issues. Take it easy drew when you can bud.

[[Gr...]]

I'm right there too Drew, hold on, I am doing my best. 

 

Went to pick my daughter and my nieces up after I finished work, was shaky then. One of my nieces was sick in the back of my car OMG. it was already late, I'm not good with sick under normal circumstances but had to sort her as she lost her Mum (my sister). I am literally shaking, can't see clearly or breathe. Thank God my daughter is here to help me cook or us.

 

Sorry Drew, for how this hits us, it's just the nervous system out of sync. It will pass. This will not hurt you and one day soon it will be over. 15+ months is done now. I spoke to Bristol TP today and they have lots of people at this stage exactly the same level of suffering. He said this is perfectly normal and he wouldn't expect anything else. The ones that heal quicker are definitely the minority in their experience and that is vast,years and years. Just like Baylissa. They cannot be wrong 

 

Marg, two things.  first, dealing with a child who lost her mom, and then throwing up in the car, and then it's your sister, I'm freaking even without withdrawal.  that's a very, very hard situation to get through.

 

Two.  why do the Brits have so much community support for withdrawal?  we have nothing!

[[Gr...]]

Green ... sorry you are in the physical soup ... I woke this morning pretty calm and chipper ... gradually slid off into my head pressure stuff again ... and I seem to have some of the eye stuff that is going around ...

 

The clarity is here to stay for me ... and my brain is working pretty well ... now when my body catches up that will be grand ...

 

My goal with my "community stuff" is rather simple ... five years ago I found no resources locally that would help me to make any decisions ... and I have nothing "vested" in this process ... it does not matter to me that generally people do not care ... and that folks are going down other paths when it comes to their mental health ...

 

If I can assemble an "information package" and deposit it somewhere the public has access to ... that will be enough ... if this "work" generates other possibilities then I will sit with them if and when they arise ...

 

Within the Twelve Step tradition ... Step 12 has a resonance for me ... I have never had cause to engage in the Twelve Steps, however I acknowledge and accept their value in the community ...

 

Be Well, my friend ... 

 

the 12 steps borrowed 'giving back' from somewhere, I'm sure you already know where, I don't right now! 

 

Be careful how you disseminate information.  here in the states someone will get an injunction against you for helping anyone!  Seriously, it's dangerous, Nova, I'm not paranoid, there's definitely a conspiracy of silence.

 

And I'm glad to say my mind held, I haven't lost it again!  Just in such a tough place physically I'm wanting to cry like it's a wave.  does that happen?  yes, I guess so.

 

So wobbly from just physical symptoms I'm not doubting healing, I'm just very pessimistic on the timeline.

 

sounds like a busy day here.  feel better, everyone

[[je...]]

Green-- hope the physical let's up for you soon.. Is it fatigue or stiff muscles?

[[dr...]]

Hi everyone. I was feeling decent the last few weeks so haven't been on much. I've only missed 4 nights of sleep this month. One was last light for some unknown reason. It's basically been one night a week. I'm super worn out after work today. Had a massive multimillion $ job that I've been working on for a week and a half. The bid had to go out tonight. Sorry to hear everyone else are still having some issues. Take it easy drew when you can bud.

 

Siggy...what a nice post....seeing some real improvement.  Makes me happy.

 

 

Since speaking w Baylissas I decided to give up caffeine.  Of course I haven't been smart about it. Basically reduce by half for a few days then nothing.  I'm going to go back to half and slowly cut down over a few weeks.  Not even sure if it makes a difference but I want to try anything I can have some control over that may help. 

 

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Green-- hope the physical let's up for you soon.. Is it fatigue or stiff muscles?

 

Both.  I don't feel half alive until after dinner time.  and I don't have constant pain, I have very, very stiff muscles after sitting, even a short time.  like if I drive to the grocery, it's going to be painful getting out of the car.

 

I can't seem to break through that barrier of getting up reasonably early, like 9 a.m., with some energy, ready to do something.  I wake up tired at 11-12 p.m., don't even want to get out of bed.  Days I've gotten up early because I had to be somewhere, I felt quite ill all day, nausea, POTS, and not so good. 

I think this is a wave?  lol?

 

Enuf whining!  I should be happy to have my mind back!

[[be...]]

Beulah ... there must be a Bizzaro cartoon somewhere depicting body slamming your doc ... 

 

Glad you had a good check up ... 

 

Right!! Every time I go to the doc now.. while in the waiting room..I entertain myself by visioning body slamming him...a girls gotta do whatta girls gotta do.😈

[[Gr...]]

Did Baylissa suspend her phone sessions?  I didn't see that option on recover road. 

[[mr...]]

Hi everyone. I was feeling decent the last few weeks so haven't been on much. I've only missed 4 nights of sleep this month. One was last light for some unknown reason. It's basically been one night a week. I'm super worn out after work today. Had a massive multimillion $ job that I've been working on for a week and a half. The bid had to go out tonight. Sorry to hear everyone else are still having some issues. Take it easy drew when you can bud.

 

Siggy...what a nice post....seeing some real improvement.  Makes me happy.

 

 

Since speaking w Baylissas I decided to give up caffeine.  Of course I haven't been smart about it. Basically reduce by half for a few days then nothing.  I'm going to go back to half and slowly cut down over a few weeks.  Not even sure if it makes a difference but I want to try anything I can have some control over that may help.

 

Drew,

 

It's made a difference for me   No caffeine, no alcohol.  Period.  I am glad to hear that you're going to taper off of it, too.  Sounds like a reasonable plan

 

Hiya gang,

 

My apologies for not being a very active poster on the thread lately.  I'm trying to distance myself a bit and continue "reentry" as much as possible.  I just remember back in the thick of it all, really looking forward to the day where I could also "graduate" with the other "Senior classmen" buddies who had healed and moved on, "graduating" from posting on the website   I don't forget what this website and these people have done for me, however, and plan on being available and present with responses to PMs whenever they come in   My email is notified whenever I get a PM here, so I am always so excited to read and respond to them when they come

 

Anyways, lol...I just feel like I owe an explanation as to my lack of presence   Y'all are on my mind, and I still frequently "lurk" the thread and read everyone's posts   Love my buddies here, y'all   You are the best!

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

Did Baylissa suspend her phone sessions?  I didn't see that option on recover road.

 

She no longer does counseling via Skype or phone as far as I can tell. .  I offered to pay her for her time and she said no and even if I wanted to she wasn't doing pay sessions anymore. It seems she will respond out to people who have a reasonable question or two though.

[[dr...]]

Fly be free mrs

[[Gr...]]

Did Baylissa suspend her phone sessions?  I didn't see that option on recover road.

 

She no longer does counseling via Skype or phone as far as I can tell. .  I offered to pay her for her time and she said no and even if I wanted to she wasn't doing pay sessions anymore. It seems she will respond out to people who have a reasonable question or two though.

 

Thanks, Drew.  I checked Bloom in Wellness on FB, and it looks like she's taking time off. 

So glad at least you got to talk to her before she was gone.

Good luck on losing the caffeine.  I could never, ever do that. Even in acute, I had coffee

[[dr...]]

Did Baylissa suspend her phone sessions?  I didn't see that option on recover road.

 

She no longer does counseling via Skype or phone as far as I can tell. .  I offered to pay her for her time and she said no and even if I wanted to she wasn't doing pay sessions anymore. It seems she will respond out to people who have a reasonable question or two though.

 

Thanks, Drew.  I checked Bloom in Wellness on FB, and it looks like she's taking time off. 

So glad at least you got to talk to her before she was gone.

Good luck on losing the caffeine.  I could never, ever do that. Even in acute, I had coffee

 

Thanks. See how it goes. 

 

I know she had some problems with people saying she said things she never said but couldn't defend herself due to patient confidentiality. 

[[TA...]]

Sorry Drew, for how this hits us, it's just the nervous system out of sync. It will pass. This will not hurt you and one day soon it will be over. 15+ months is done now. I spoke to Bristol TP today and they have lots of people at this stage exactly the same level of suffering. He said this is perfectly normal and he wouldn't expect anything else. The ones that heal quicker are definitely the minority in their experience and that is vast,years and years. Just like Baylissa. They cannot be wrong 

 

Thanks for posting this, marj.  It gives me hope today.  I have to believe it is truth.  How nice it must be for you to have the telephone support from experts who can reassure.  How I wish we had something similar here.  Alas, North America is far behind in this regard.

 

Serenity, they are a God send. I seriously don't know how I would get through each day at work. I have been literally crying to them every lunchtime recently. It's normal behaviour to them, they are also very busy, the phone never stops ringing. Those 10 minutes of being told the same thing just get me through. When I ask for the umpteenth time 'do people really get better' I am told, of course, or there would be no point doing this job. Also they are either healed themselves or have direct experience of someone who has. It's unbelievable there isn't anything in the US. Stay strong 

Good morning buddies

Marj, thank you for reassuring post. It gives me hope. I'm 15 months off psycho meds and feeling hopeless and scared it never ends.

Wish you all good day