12-18 month support

[[dr...]]

I find The Facebook a useless distraction but I do use it to promote my theater shows. 

[[Fi...]]

Yeah, Drew.  I get that.  I say I hate Facebook and don't do it, but I'm forced to maintain a website as a writer.  Even had to do a bit of a blog.  People expect it.  But I rarely update my blog and have made a point of NOT getting into personal stuff about withdrawal.

 

But I have definitely made a point of steering clear of other writers' websites during BW.  No need to stir up possible envy!

[[Sk...]]

Envy is part of the process.. I had it so bad for the first year that I couldn't go on fb anymore because I would get so depressed and jealous of people living their lives.. It does pass in time. Promise

 

 

Coop- thinking of you 

Peace-- everything Beulah said is spot on

 

 

I still won't go on FB. But then I find something oddly fake about people gushing on FB all the time. It's like, if you are so fabulously busy and jet set,  how do you find the time to plant it on the internet constantly. But that might be the FB WD symptom talking  Bitter me? Noooo

 

I don't think that is wd, I think you are spot on instead !

 

Fb, should be avoided like the plague, and people who echo that trend in general.

[[Sk...]]

 

 

I am in such a wave now, I have been feeling awful for two, three days. But what worried me, was having depression, negativity and paranoia back in my life.

 

Well, back from acute. Paranoia is awful and mine is mild, I can't imagine the real thing. I have the malevolent feeling again, remember the one Sue  described so accurately ?

 

My vibrations are stronger than uusal and my heart is beating quite fast.

 

Mr Sky knew something was wrong when I didn't start banging on about going out for our evening bike ride !

 

And I am so lucky depression has not been my dominant symptom. I fear health fears, depression and exhaustion.

 

So, I have been quite lucky to not have had them as badly as you guys have.

 

When things are bad, I try to run a list of what things are good. sometimes it works, other times it doesn't, my brain just has to go to dark places.

 

And I am slower minded as well. Hard to imagine being any slower minded than I already was, but there you are .

[[Fi...]]

Drew-another thought.  My website has actually acted as a firewall for me because on the "Appearances" page, it basically says, I'm not doing any, so don't ask!  So that's kind of the opposite of a Facebook page ostensibly inviting everyone into my private world.

[[Gr...]]

 

 

I am in such a wave now, I have been feeling awful for two, three days. But what worried me, was having depression, negativity and paranoia back in my life.

 

Well, back from acute. Paranoia is awful and mine is mild, I can't imagine the real thing. I have the malevolent feeling again, remember the one Sue  described so accurately ?

 

My vibrations are stronger than uusal and my heart is beating quite fast.

 

Mr Sky knew something was wrong when I didn't start banging on about going out for our evening bike ride !

 

And I am so lucky depression has not been my dominant symptom. I fear health fears, depression and exhaustion.

 

So, I have been quite lucky to not have had them as badly as you guys have.

 

When things are bad, I try to run a list of what things are good. sometimes it works, other times it doesn't, my brain just has to go to dark places.

 

And I am slower minded as well. Hard to imagine being any slower minded than I already was, but there you are .

 

Sky, I am so, so sorry you're getting a visit from this horrible symptom.  You are starting month 22 just around now?  Hopefully this will pass very quickly.  Isn't it funny, odd funny, how the intense mental symptoms are accompanied by anxiety type physical symptoms?  by that I mean the heart stuff you have, the upper type symptoms.

 

I mean I have zero anxiety, thoughts are calm, but I can't move off the couch, so tired.  not the worst. I'll get up eventually.  but I have all the downer kind of symptoms

 

This kind of sx cycling is like a pendulum swinging back and forth, isn't it? 

 

Feel better, Sky.  Maybe try to track how long this wave lasts.  They're supposed to be shorter now, aren't they?

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Hello everyone!

 

Still physical stuff, mainly.  I was getting into funky mood mode, dissatisfied, wanting to be 100%, and then when I woke up this morning I felt okay, and I remembered all those days I woke up with dread and fear and cortisol rushes and anxiety and depression.  And I don't have that.  So I'm sticking with gratitude and low and slow.

Funny, while I was going through the worst of it, I had trouble isolating symptoms so I could write them down, just to keep a record.  Now, as they pass, I remember very, very well how bad it was.  I don't remember in a ptsd way, where it's scary or painful, but I remember it was very, very bad.

Who knows, maybe this is a window I never had?  Only I have significant physical stuff, I'm very, very stiff, so it's not a window like that.  And I get easily tired.  so, no, not a window.  just what I said, the mental lifted.  I would love to heal on a dime, but I get the feeling it's going to be gradual for me.  who cares.  as long as we heal, right?

 

And, Nova, a piece of clarity bread!  with a little honey butter, please!

 

Have the best day possible, everyone.

[[be...]]

Hi ... this intensity of clarity ... and the return of clarity ...

 

Perhaps one way to experience clarity is to remember how yeast works when making a loaf of bread ...

 

You prepare some warm water and add some honey ... when the temperature is good you add the yeast ... and some time passes and then the yeast blooms ... quite marvelous and surprising in its own way ... a phenomenon in its own right ... and it is not the loaf of bread we are working towards ...

 

More ingredients and more time is required to bring the loaf out of the oven ... warm and nourishing ...

 

The loaf requires the yeast and all its gifts ... we celebrate yeast ... and we need to remember it is one stage in the process of bringing the loaf to life ...

 

 

Nova, I love your writings and analogies.

[[Sk...]]

 

 

I am in such a wave now, I have been feeling awful for two, three days. But what worried me, was having depression, negativity and paranoia back in my life.

 

Well, back from acute. Paranoia is awful and mine is mild, I can't imagine the real thing. I have the malevolent feeling again, remember the one Sue  described so accurately ?

 

My vibrations are stronger than uusal and my heart is beating quite fast.

 

Mr Sky knew something was wrong when I didn't start banging on about going out for our evening bike ride !

 

And I am so lucky depression has not been my dominant symptom. I fear health fears, depression and exhaustion.

 

So, I have been quite lucky to not have had them as badly as you guys have.

 

When things are bad, I try to run a list of what things are good. sometimes it works, other times it doesn't, my brain just has to go to dark places.

 

And I am slower minded as well. Hard to imagine being any slower minded than I already was, but there you are .

 

Sky, I am so, so sorry you're getting a visit from this horrible symptom.  You are starting month 22 just around now?  Hopefully this will pass very quickly.  Isn't it funny, odd funny, how the intense mental symptoms are accompanied by anxiety type physical symptoms?  by that I mean the heart stuff you have, the upper type symptoms.

 

I mean I have zero anxiety, thoughts are calm, but I can't move off the couch, so tired.  not the worst. I'll get up eventually.  but I have all the downer kind of symptoms

 

This kind of sx cycling is like a pendulum swinging back and forth, isn't it? 

 

Feel better, Sky.  Maybe try to track how long this wave lasts.  They're supposed to be shorter now, aren't they?

 

Green,  read your log, so sorry to hear about your exhaustion and tiredness. That is an awful symptom, I have had it once or twice, and it's really bad.

 

But you have your mind, that's good.

 

We are complementing our symptoms, aren't we ?

 

I had a bad moment of benzo belly tonight, really painful, I could not help screaming in pain. I am sure I did not eat anything wrong, it' s just meant to happen, as you have said in the past.

 

If I had to pick a favourite  month of wd,  I would say that month 18 was the best. I remember this feeling of optimism, of quiet joy. I knew things were going to get better, even if my symptoms were still quite present.

 

That is so important, it gives you the strength to face anything.

 

I think that many here have good memories of month 17- 18, right ?

 

Which would you guys say your " best " moment of wd was  ?

 

 

Anyway, what Drew was saying about thinking about himself, what a better person he is going to be after this, that projecting yourself in the future, is a great coping technique.

 

Baylissa recommends it, if I understood correctly.

 

I like to do it myself, it helps me deal with the present. But in these last two days, I just could not do it, I could not imagine myself in the future and better, being a better person and doing many nice things and making the world a better place.

 

And that is really bad, usually I am always able to do that, even with palps and vibrations, and benzo belly.

 

 

I do not see  you Nova, hope everything is ok with you ?

 

By the way, I don't remember,  when exactly is Coop's daughter getting married ?

 

I will be going to bed shortly, another day in the books, no point making it any longer.

 

Hope I won't have yesterday's insomnia, that really brings me to dark places.

 

Everybody, heal on and take care. 

[[No...]]

Sky ... the marriage was this past weekend ...

 

I am okay ... just wading through the usual muck today ...

 

Had a major argument with the weather today ... every time I tried to go out for a walk it started pouring ... went home and it stopped ... went out three more times and it did the same thing ... it is evening now and the sun is shining ... something out there is more of a nuisance than I am ... 

[[...]]

Sky,

 

You will feel better soon and I hope it is sooner rather than later. Try not to think of what you can't see yourself as at the moment. You say you have been able to before, so you will again, just not at the moment. Your brain won't let you because it's busy righting itself. You are in a horrible wave and we are not ourselves when this happens. This time last week I seriously thought I had lost it and I was finished, infact I kept saying I was done, finished, nothing left. I still haven't recovered and it was the beginning of a hellish wave. I wish I could give you a hug as you are suffering at the moment. You must recognize how far you have come and everything you have got through on the way. i am proud of you.

 

There is a new success story if you've not seen it by Passion. More proof of the hell we have to go through but all is well in the end. Stay strong brave Sky, you are amazing and this too shall pass. You will get your life back, we all will

[[dr...]]

Just read you are suffering sky...you are in my thoughts and I know you will pull out of the wave like we all do.

 

 

My latest thing is my symptoms of brain frying ramp up when even just talking to people now instead of just in meetings.  weird...feels like I am going backwards with this symptom.

[[je...]]

Sky-- sorry you are having such a rough time, thinking of you 

 

 

Hi all,

So, my right eye is still twitching and my eyes feel dry and sore.. This is w/d right? Someone please reassure me. Also, I'm getting floaters, I know you can get them as we age and they are harmless, but are they part of w/d too or no?

[[Co...]]

Hi 12-18 buddies,... I don't have a snowball's chance of catching up here....just going to jump on with update...

......All went well with the wedding. I am just now recovering from the great emotion that I knew it would be.

  .....I am amazed at how absolutely normal and present I felt through the entire 2 days of activities and celebration . .  I really could not have imagined that it would go so well. The drive to the venue was a 90 minute drive each way.  We did that 4 times total. I have not been on a road trip in 2 years and even pre-benzos I was mildly phobic about cars, ( only on the freeway or traveling at speed), planes, boats etc.  I only had one bout of car fear and that was on the way back feeling tired ,emotional and vulnerable to panic...no panic just some fear that passed. The first night we went up for the rehearsal. I had some ' normal' nervousness that anyone would anticipating thier child's wedding. The day of was wonderful. I had a few moments of head pressure and anxiety just as guests started coming in all of a sudden in  ig groups. Seemed like at least 75 people waited until 20 minutes before the ceremony to flow in like a sea of people.  I thought I was going to be lost in d/r during the ceremony, but the few moments of anxiety let up. I enjoyed every moment of the ceremony crystal clear, present, happy and sad and intensely emotional.  Perfectly normal. I enjoyed every single moment. The family photos...the dinner.  a few hours of the reception and party. I talked with people with a clear happy engaged mind, truly connected, hugged about 100 people, ate at least some of the dinner and had some wine....all with no ill effects. I really can't believe it..  I have to say that having my ex at my side ( I drove all trips with him and we went through the whole thing together.  Actually we were there with and for each other, I was able to be supportive and present for him too). All in all a wonderful memorable happy time. No way could I have done this even 3 months ago.

  ...I have had some depression and sadness in the 2 days following, but I believe it is 'normal' grieving for my daughter's childhood and all those things we feel when our children are no longer children......all intensified by the last (hopefully) lingering w/d s/x.

    ...I hope I won't be smacked down brutally, but I have to say that I feel at least 85%  done.. Even my health fear seems to be ranging in the 'normal' with only worry and frustration regarding the reflux.  I ate some yummy stuff at the wedding , but I was pretty careful.  No real reflux even with the wine, but the next day I was really hungry at dinner and ate a too large meal of salmon, pasta and green beans ( I forgot Beulah's rule of not letting myself get too hungry)  I had discomfort all night.  I won't be making that mistake again. I will be seeing a gastrointerologist on the 6th , but I am not dreading it or catrastopheing about it.

..  ..There is so much that is better.  My ability to be with people , be connected and be in true conversation is 90% back....I really can't believe it.  I am getting bored with the routines and distractions that I have been clinging to for 2 years. I am completely losing my fear of going out to meet friends for coffee or lunch..or a movie.  Mornings are still a little rocky with a little hodge podge of sx such as anxiety or depression or waking up with some cortisol surges health fear or fatigue.  But it is consistently letting up by at least noon. I am beginning to think about what I want to do with my life now that I am feeling better. I feel that I still have quite a ways to go before that 85% -90% is reliable ....at least another 6-9 months.  But it feels so manageable . 

    .Well.  that was a very long update... Wishing all of you big sunbreaks.  I will go back over the posts and try to catch up.  coop

[[Co...]]

Hi ... this intensity of clarity ... and the return of clarity ...

 

Perhaps one way to experience clarity is to remember how yeast works when making a loaf of bread ...

 

You prepare some warm water and add some honey ... when the temperature is good you add the yeast ... and some time passes and then the yeast blooms ... quite marvelous and surprising in its own way ... a phenomenon in its own right ... and it is not the loaf of bread we are working towards ...

 

More ingredients and more time is required to bring the loaf out of the oven ... warm and nourishing ...

 

The loaf requires the yeast and all its gifts ... we celebrate yeast ... and we need to remember it is one stage in the process of bringing the loaf to life ...

 

 

Nova, I love your writings and analogies.

 

...Nova...this is so beautiful.....Sorry you got rained on.  We have had a lovely sumner rain here too.  .keep baking that bread... the aroma of it is so comforting ....sending you thoughts of healing and healed days....coop

[[Co...]]

Sky....so sorry that you are having tough times....It will lift Sky.  It is just so disheartening to keep getting pulled under by the waves when we are this far out....

  ...My best month was month 19 I think....in spite of unresolved health fear, I think all the rest of it became so much more manageable even though sx were still present. I think the biggest improvement that became more reliable in month 19 was a return of clarity. 

    I am thinking of you Sky and wishing you a release from this wave. ...coop

[[Co...]]

Elle....welcome to the thread...you are more than welcome here. You will find unfailing support and encouragement here.

...How are you doing?  How is the belly pain? .  Was your scope negative of any problems ?...I hope so.

  ..6 months was a very challenging time for me. I refer to it as acute 2.  It didn't last long ( about a month I think) and things returned to more of a typical w/d pattern of waves/sunbreaks and windows . ....I hope you are feeling better.  coop

[[Gr...]]

Hi 12-18 buddies,... I don't have a snowball's chance of catching up here....just going to jump on with update...

......All went well with the wedding. I am just now recovering from the great emotion that I knew it would be.

  .....I am amazed at how absolutely normal and present I felt through the entire 2 days of activities and celebration . .  I really could not have imagined that it would go so well. The drive to the venue was a 90 minute drive each way.  We did that 4 times total. I have not been on a road trip in 2 years and even pre-benzos I was mildly phobic about cars, ( only on the freeway or traveling at speed), planes, boats etc.  I only had one bout of car fear and that was on the way back feeling tired ,emotional and vulnerable to panic...no panic just some fear that passed. The first night we went up for the rehearsal. I had some ' normal' nervousness that anyone would anticipating thier child's wedding. The day of was wonderful. I had a few moments of head pressure and anxiety just as guests started coming in all of a sudden in  ig groups. Seemed like at least 75 people waited until 20 minutes before the ceremony to flow in like a sea of people.  I thought I was going to be lost in d/r during the ceremony, but the few moments of anxiety let up. I enjoyed every moment of the ceremony crystal clear, present, happy and sad and intensely emotional.  Perfectly normal. I enjoyed every single moment. The family photos...the dinner.  a few hours of the reception and party. I talked with people with a clear happy engaged mind, truly connected, hugged about 100 people, ate at least some of the dinner and had some wine....all with no ill effects. I really can't believe it..  I have to say that having my ex at my side ( I drove all trips with him and we went through the whole thing together.  Actually we were there with and for each other, I was able to be supportive and present for him too). All in all a wonderful memorable happy time. No way could I have done this even 3 months ago.

  ...I have had some depression and sadness in the 2 days following, but I believe it is 'normal' grieving for my daughter's childhood and all those things we feel when our children are no longer children......all intensified by the last (hopefully) lingering w/d s/x.

    ...I hope I won't be smacked down brutally, but I have to say that I feel at least 85%  done.. Even my health fear seems to be ranging in the 'normal' with only worry and frustration regarding the reflux.  I ate some yummy stuff at the wedding , but I was pretty careful.  No real reflux even with the wine, but the next day I was really hungry at dinner and ate a too large meal of salmon, pasta and green beans ( I forgot Beulah's rule of not letting myself get too hungry)  I had discomfort all night.  I won't be making that mistake again. I will be seeing a gastrointerologist on the 6th , but I am not dreading it or catrastopheing about it.

..  ..There is so much that is better.  My ability to be with people , be connected and be in true conversation is 90% back....I really can't believe it.  I am getting bored with the routines and distractions that I have been clinging to for 2 years. I am completely losing my fear of going out to meet friends for coffee or lunch..or a movie.  Mornings are still a little rocky with a little hodge podge of sx such as anxiety or depression or waking up with some cortisol surges health fear or fatigue.  But it is consistently letting up by at least noon. I am beginning to think about what I want to do with my life now that I am feeling better. I feel that I still have quite a ways to go before that 85% -90% is reliable ....at least another 6-9 months.  But it feels so manageable . 

    .Well.  that was a very long update... Wishing all of you big sunbreaks.  I will go back over the posts and try to catch up.  coop

 

Coop, how wonderful for you!  It couldn't have gone any better! So glad for you.  Glad withdrawal did not rob you of this magical day. And so happy for how well you're feeling.  All I can do is smile and say and think how wonderful, and all this wonderful could not happen to a better, more deserving person than you! 

[[Gr...]]

 

 

I am in such a wave now, I have been feeling awful for two, three days. But what worried me, was having depression, negativity and paranoia back in my life.

 

Well, back from acute. Paranoia is awful and mine is mild, I can't imagine the real thing. I have the malevolent feeling again, remember the one Sue  described so accurately ?

 

My vibrations are stronger than uusal and my heart is beating quite fast.

 

Mr Sky knew something was wrong when I didn't start banging on about going out for our evening bike ride !

 

And I am so lucky depression has not been my dominant symptom. I fear health fears, depression and exhaustion.

 

So, I have been quite lucky to not have had them as badly as you guys have.

 

When things are bad, I try to run a list of what things are good. sometimes it works, other times it doesn't, my brain just has to go to dark places.

 

And I am slower minded as well. Hard to imagine being any slower minded than I already was, but there you are .

 

Sky, I am so, so sorry you're getting a visit from this horrible symptom.  You are starting month 22 just around now?  Hopefully this will pass very quickly.  Isn't it funny, odd funny, how the intense mental symptoms are accompanied by anxiety type physical symptoms?  by that I mean the heart stuff you have, the upper type symptoms.

 

I mean I have zero anxiety, thoughts are calm, but I can't move off the couch, so tired.  not the worst. I'll get up eventually.  but I have all the downer kind of symptoms

 

This kind of sx cycling is like a pendulum swinging back and forth, isn't it? 

 

Feel better, Sky.  Maybe try to track how long this wave lasts.  They're supposed to be shorter now, aren't they?

 

Green,  read your log, so sorry to hear about your exhaustion and tiredness. That is an awful symptom, I have had it once or twice, and it's really bad.

 

But you have your mind, that's good.

 

We are complementing our symptoms, aren't we ?

 

I had a bad moment of benzo belly tonight, really painful, I could not help screaming in pain. I am sure I did not eat anything wrong, it' s just meant to happen, as you have said in the past.

 

If I had to pick a favourite  month of wd,  I would say that month 18 was the best. I remember this feeling of optimism, of quiet joy. I knew things were going to get better, even if my symptoms were still quite present.

 

That is so important, it gives you the strength to face anything.

 

I think that many here have good memories of month 17- 18, right ?

 

Which would you guys say your " best " moment of wd was  ?

 

 

Anyway, what Drew was saying about thinking about himself, what a better person he is going to be after this, that projecting yourself in the future, is a great coping technique.

 

Baylissa recommends it, if I understood correctly.

 

I like to do it myself, it helps me deal with the present. But in these last two days, I just could not do it, I could not imagine myself in the future and better, being a better person and doing many nice things and making the world a better place.

 

And that is really bad, usually I am always able to do that, even with palps and vibrations, and benzo belly.

 

 

I do not see  you Nova, hope everything is ok with you ?

 

By the way, I don't remember,  when exactly is Coop's daughter getting married ?

 

I will be going to bed shortly, another day in the books, no point making it any longer.

 

Hope I won't have yesterday's insomnia, that really brings me to dark places.

 

Everybody, heal on and take care. 

 

Sky, I am not in any distress!  Just can't overdo it or I pay a stiff price. 

 

Hope you lose the insomnia pretty quick, it stinks!  Hopefully this passes before you know it. 

[[Gr...]]

Sky, to answer your question, my best month?  Last summer when I thought I could go to the gym?  No, not really.

 

I would say now, early July when I went to Atlanta.  Even though I was far from 100%, I knew it was going to be okay.  like Coop, I regained my clarity, those mental symptoms left.  I still get foggy days.  Like today I needed to go to E-Z Pass.  I drove to the DMV.  That's not me.  That's the sx.  but I noticed I was able to talk and get directions, etc., very easily, no intense weirdness and dp/dr.  (I still get a little white t.v. snow on bad days, but nothing like before.)

[[dr...]]

Coop....what a fantastical update

 

I don't know my best month. I seem to have some good weeks throughout though.  I'm passing the time. Got annoyed w how long this takes a little while ago.  My brain is getting stimulated too easily and it's exhausting. As Coop would say "if this one thing was gone..."  Well we know how it ends.    I had a decent day of work.  Minor flare of panic that lasted a minute and trouble with over stimulation talking on the phone and w colleagues.  To me that's decent. I come home and literally just lie in bed and do nothing for over an hour. I'm too tired mentally to do anything.  Even move. Guess this is healing. My body and brain saying take it easy. Do others get this?  I'm now getting my second wind to move to the couch.

[[je...]]

Coop!! I'm thrilled for you!!! You so deserve all of this, and more proof that indeed we are healing... Look how far you've come in the last 3 months, its amazing!

[[63...]]

Coop....fantastic news. I so glad to hear that the wedding went well and that you were able to enjoy it. You are sounding really good...long may it continue!!!

[[pe...]]

Coop,

Thank you for sharing your good news with us! It sounds like it was an amazing wedding and one you were beautifully present for. It's so nice to hear that you're doing so well.

 

Congratulations .... And get some rest!

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Sky,

I am definitely thinking of you. This thing is so difficult and we just keep on. Things are going to look up and you know what to do in the meantime. We're here for you.

 

Peace2