12-18 month support

[[...]]

Hi Marj,

I just want to echo that it gets better. I still deal with mental symptoms at 18.5 months, some real humdingers but I can keep them in a box for the most part. My mind is not so completely saturated in the yuck on many days and that's a fairly recent development. I am in summer go mode with my family. Lots of travel, events, house projects and get togethers. And mostly I am thankful for the distraction and even having moments of real gratitude. It's a long journey and you are doing an amazing job. Every day. It will get better. Stay here on this thread with us. This crew is amazing. Because no one gets left behind.

 

Peace2

 

 

Peace, I just noticed this post. I am so grateful to you or saying this, especially as you said it's a fairly recent development. This is wonderful news and I am so pleased for you. I cannot wait to be where you are, actually enjoying things. I am at a point where it feels like it will never end, I had a little break last night where things eased off a bit but hey ho, back to it today. I will stay here as this crew is wonderful and have helped me no end

[[...]]

marj--in fairness, I pretty much excused myself from the rest of the world during this, just stayed home on the farm, so I never had to overhear normal life going on.  I'd have been as annoyed as you, I'm sure.  Last October, I left the house a total of three times in a month--twice for acupuncture and once to see my therapist.  That's it.  I'm not exaggerating.  That's the point where I signed on to the BB board and suddenly felt less isolated.  But then, on BB, I'm only reading stories about other people going through the same thing, so I don't have to worry about envy.  People manage this all different ways, some, like Drew, insisting on staying as engaged with life as possible.  And everybody hasn't had the luxury I've had of just sidelining myself from life for the duration.  It's what worked for me, though.  Somebody started a regrets thread, where they were detailing how bad they felt about their behaviour  to others during withdrawal.  I've got no regrets because I tried to limit the number of people I was inflicting myself upon and vice versa!

 

I continue to be amazed that you can hold down your job.  Highly admirable.

 

FG, that's what I am like at weekends. Apart from doing the food shopping which I have to psyche myself up for, I just survive by myself. I don't want to see anyone apart from my kids. I chat to the neighbours briefly (the nice ones) through a fake smile. Ii know what you mean about inflicting yourself on others. I apologize to my 2 all the time, but we love each other unconditionally.

 

The work thing......some can, some can't. I know every weekend and particularly at this time on a Sunday I do not know how I am going to make it to work. Some how I do and it gets me out of bed five days a week. I am lucky I don't have to arrive until 10.30 as it literally takes me 2 hours to get ready, not because I am beautifying myself but I put my make up on and do my hair every week day and I can only do this at snail pace. On a weekend I barely brush my hair. Some are aware at work what I am going through, although I do wonder if they just think I am a flaky, anxious wreck. Hell, I can't wait to show them the real me. Many times I think, I can't do this, it's too hard. The alternative for me would be to lose eveything.

 

Do you know I have never felt or understood envy before, until now. I envy anyone with a normal simple life now and I can't wait till that leaves with all the other crap. Right now, I'm scared it never will. Another benzo lie 

[[dr...]]

Marj-the envy thing can take its toll and as FJ said we know nothing of what burdens anyone carries around.  People probably look at me and think I'm golden. On the outside the facade is golden.  Actually, I'm golden except for this health situation which is temporary.

 

I look at how exciting and appreciative I will be of life once I'm healed instead of envy.  I envision the shape I want to be in and how I can make myself better in every way. Nothing and I mean nothing is taken for granted by me. I'm already adopting behaviors and I will be a force to be reckoned with in a positive way.  This is the silver lining to this mess.  We will all have a rare appreciation for life that only comes from a harrowing experience.  Best yet is the fact we probably will be better than ever in most cases. 

[[...]]

I agree Drew, this envy thing is alien to me and I only get it when I'm in a bad wave (like now). I see people all the time who I admire for what they have to deal with in life. I know that when I am over this I will be a different person in a much more positive way. I have moments where I too envision what and who I want to be, just not at the moment as I'm in survival mode. I think the envy thing comes to play when work colleagues are getting exited about their holidays and when they ask ''doing anything nice at the weekend'' ? Usually I just blag my chit chat regarding these topics, only I'm a bit worn down lately, you know the score as they say;hanging on by the skin of my teeth. We all visit here from time to time and it will pass. Plus the weather here has been typically British rain and more rain and I'm better when I can be outdoors. In other words, I'm cranky 

 

This is the silver lining to this mess.  We will all have a rare appreciation for life that only comes from a harrowing experience.  Best yet is the fact we probably will be better than ever in most cases. YES!! I am going to write this and post it all over my house

[[Fi...]]

Drew--yes, this: "I look at how exciting and appreciative I will be of life once I'm healed instead of envy.  I envision the shape I want to be in and how I can make myself better in every way. Nothing and I mean nothing is taken for granted by me. I'm already adopting behaviors and I will be a force to be reckoned with in a positive way.  This is the silver lining to this mess."

 

 

This has been the kind of thinking that got me through!

[[63...]]

Good Morning, Robert ... hope you are doing well today ... I am having a bit of a ride down the rocky road these past few days ... not terrible just lousy ...

 

Oh well ... it is what it is until it isn't ... 

 

Nova, good to see you...good afternoon! Yes, a ride down the rocky road sums it up nicely for me today as well. Take good care my friend!

[[pe...]]

Sooooo. My husband has supported me through this nightmare, been a truly loyal cheerleader and help. Now that I'm 'waking up' I'm reminded of all the things that do not work in our relationship and really not willing to settle. What's that about? Turns out waking up is hard to do.

 

Peace2

[[be...]]

Peace- It's healing, that's all it is. Before you go doing anything irrational don't trust the negative thoughts.

I'm here to tell you that one day I love my husband and everything is fine, the next day I hate him and everything in my life is wrong.

I swear I wouldn't blame my poor husband if he walked out on me. I have picked at this poor man more than I care to admit.

Just this morning I carried on for hours of why he just can't replace the toilet paper roll, he always forgets and then I have to do it. I hate being like this but I do know that relationships can really suffer when we start withdrawal and wake up.

My advice would be to step back..take a deep breath and wait for more healing.

It's really not as bad as it seems.

[[Gr...]]

Thanks, green & Beulah! 

 

Husband talking about going back in a week for another (shorter) trip.  I've decided to go, unless I really get dragged across the broken glass of w/d the preceding days - ha.  I seem to be in some sort of limbo, but at least it's not severe depression or anxiety.  Don't know what to call it.  (Surviving & breathing?)  Anyway... yeah, just letting the unpacking & laundry sit for a bit.  I'm regrouping now.  Or something. 

Don't question the lulls!  Just appreciate them.

Beulah, a family reunion is not for the faint of heart at the best of times!  Congrats to you for being able to swing that.  Wow! 

[[Gr...]]

marj--in fairness, I pretty much excused myself from the rest of the world during this, just stayed home on the farm, so I never had to overhear normal life going on.  I'd have been as annoyed as you, I'm sure.  Last October, I left the house a total of three times in a month--twice for acupuncture and once to see my therapist.  That's it.  I'm not exaggerating.  That's the point where I signed on to the BB board and suddenly felt less isolated.  But then, on BB, I'm only reading stories about other people going through the same thing, so I don't have to worry about envy.  People manage this all different ways, some, like Drew, insisting on staying as engaged with life as possible.  And everybody hasn't had the luxury I've had of just sidelining myself from life for the duration.  It's what worked for me, though.  Somebody started a regrets thread, where they were detailing how bad they felt about their behaviour  to others during withdrawal.  I've got no regrets because I tried to limit the number of people I was inflicting myself upon and vice versa!

 

I continue to be amazed that you can hold down your job.  Highly admirable.

 

FG, that's what I am like at weekends. Apart from doing the food shopping which I have to psyche myself up for, I just survive by myself. I don't want to see anyone apart from my kids. I chat to the neighbours briefly (the nice ones) through a fake smile. Ii know what you mean about inflicting yourself on others. I apologize to my 2 all the time, but we love each other unconditionally.

 

The work thing......some can, some can't. I know every weekend and particularly at this time on a Sunday I do not know how I am going to make it to work. Some how I do and it gets me out of bed five days a week. I am lucky I don't have to arrive until 10.30 as it literally takes me 2 hours to get ready, not because I am beautifying myself but I put my make up on and do my hair every week day and I can only do this at snail pace. On a weekend I barely brush my hair. Some are aware at work what I am going through, although I do wonder if they just think I am a flaky, anxious wreck. Hell, I can't wait to show them the real me. Many times I think, I can't do this, it's too hard. The alternative for me would be to lose eveything.

 

Do you know I have never felt or understood envy before, until now. I envy anyone with a normal simple life now and I can't wait till that leaves with all the other crap. Right now, I'm scared it never will. Another benzo lie 

 

Marj, when this is over, you will have a spine of titanium.  You have suffered terribly and managed to hold on to everything.  And you're going to feel very, very good about yourself for that. 

 

and that day does come, when we don't look crazy anymore, we are us again, strong and powerful.  that's the word, that's how I felt, strong, intelligent and powerful.  the symptoms made me so weak mentally for so long that I had lost all my confidence, my sense of self, and when "I" came back, it was amazing. 

not that every day is great.  I still have plenty of physical stuff going on, I still get moody and cranky, but getting 'self' back, major miracle of healing.

 

you and Peace, hold on, watch for it, wait for it, it's coming.  soon.

[[Gr...]]

Sooooo. My husband has supported me through this nightmare, been a truly loyal cheerleader and help. Now that I'm 'waking up' I'm reminded of all the things that do not work in our relationship and really not willing to settle. What's that about? Turns out waking up is hard to do.

Peace2

 

Waking up, yes.  and I had this intense clarity going on when I was about where you are, I was seeing things so clearly, the air was rarified, way too intense, and I found I couldn't overlook or pretend about anything.  Everything was so clear it was right in my face.  Instead of that feeling that people could see inside me, I felt I could see inside them.  that passed, thank goodness

 

Go slow with major decisions, and major conversations, because things really do settle down

[[Gr...]]

Peace- It's healing, that's all it is. Before you go doing anything irrational don't trust the negative thoughts.

I'm here to tell you that one day I love my husband and everything is fine, the next day I hate him and everything in my life is wrong.

I swear I wouldn't blame my poor husband if he walked out on me. I have picked at this poor man more than I care to admit.

Just this morning I carried on for hours of why he just can't replace the toilet paper roll, he always forgets and then I have to do it. I hate being like this but I do know that relationships can really suffer when we start withdrawal and wake up.

My advice would be to step back..take a deep breath and wait for more healing.

It's really not as bad as it seems.

 

What she said!  Ditto!

[[mr...]]

Peace- It's healing, that's all it is. Before you go doing anything irrational don't trust the negative thoughts.

I'm here to tell you that one day I love my husband and everything is fine, the next day I hate him and everything in my life is wrong.

I swear I wouldn't blame my poor husband if he walked out on me. I have picked at this poor man more than I care to admit.

Just this morning I carried on for hours of why he just can't replace the toilet paper roll, he always forgets and then I have to do it. I hate being like this but I do know that relationships can really suffer when we start withdrawal and wake up.

My advice would be to step back..take a deep breath and wait for more healing.

It's really not as bad as it seems.

 

What she said!  Ditto!

 

Thirded!!! 

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

Hi ... this intensity of clarity ... and the return of clarity ...

 

Perhaps one way to experience clarity is to remember how yeast works when making a loaf of bread ...

 

You prepare some warm water and add some honey ... when the temperature is good you add the yeast ... and some time passes and then the yeast blooms ... quite marvelous and surprising in its own way ... a phenomenon in its own right ... and it is not the loaf of bread we are working towards ...

 

More ingredients and more time is required to bring the loaf out of the oven ... warm and nourishing ...

 

The loaf requires the yeast and all its gifts ... we celebrate yeast ... and we need to remember it is one stage in the process of bringing the loaf to life ...

 

 

 

[[Sk...]]

marj--in fairness, I pretty much excused myself from the rest of the world during this, just stayed home on the farm, so I never had to overhear normal life going on.  I'd have been as annoyed as you, I'm sure.  Last October, I left the house a total of three times in a month--twice for acupuncture and once to see my therapist.  That's it.  I'm not exaggerating.  That's the point where I signed on to the BB board and suddenly felt less isolated.  But then, on BB, I'm only reading stories about other people going through the same thing, so I don't have to worry about envy.  People manage this all different ways, some, like Drew, insisting on staying as engaged with life as possible.  And everybody hasn't had the luxury I've had of just sidelining myself from life for the duration.  It's what worked for me, though.  Somebody started a regrets thread, where they were detailing how bad they felt about their behaviour  to others during withdrawal.  I've got no regrets because I tried to limit the number of people I was inflicting myself upon and vice versa!

 

I continue to be amazed that you can hold down your job.  Highly admirable.

 

FG, that's what I am like at weekends. Apart from doing the food shopping which I have to psyche myself up for, I just survive by myself. I don't want to see anyone apart from my kids. I chat to the neighbours briefly (the nice ones) through a fake smile. Ii know what you mean about inflicting yourself on others. I apologize to my 2 all the time, but we love each other unconditionally.

 

The work thing......some can, some can't. I know every weekend and particularly at this time on a Sunday I do not know how I am going to make it to work. Some how I do and it gets me out of bed five days a week. I am lucky I don't have to arrive until 10.30 as it literally takes me 2 hours to get ready, not because I am beautifying myself but I put my make up on and do my hair every week day and I can only do this at snail pace. On a weekend I barely brush my hair. Some are aware at work what I am going through, although I do wonder if they just think I am a flaky, anxious wreck. Hell, I can't wait to show them the real me. Many times I think, I can't do this, it's too hard. The alternative for me would be to lose eveything.

 

Do you know I have never felt or understood envy before, until now. I envy anyone with a normal simple life now and I can't wait till that leaves with all the other crap. Right now, I'm scared it never will. Another benzo lie 

 

Marj, as I  have just been plunged in a wave from hell, your post resonated with me. Especially the part on envy.

 

I understand the make up part. I have never been much about make up, but when days were really bad, 5-6 months ago, the worst I felt, the more I put on, in an effort to hide my sickness to myself.

 

And the slow motion thing, I don't think I still have that, but it used to drive mr Sky nuts, I have always been the fast one and he the slow one ! 

[[Sk...]]

Drew--yes, this: "I look at how exciting and appreciative I will be of life once I'm healed instead of envy.  I envision the shape I want to be in and how I can make myself better in every way. Nothing and I mean nothing is taken for granted by me. I'm already adopting behaviors and I will be a force to be reckoned with in a positive way.  This is the silver lining to this mess."

 

 

This has been the kind of thinking that got me through!

 

The envy thing must be about wd though, we can't actually be this petty. 

[[Sk...]]

Peace- It's healing, that's all it is. Before you go doing anything irrational don't trust the negative thoughts.

I'm here to tell you that one day I love my husband and everything is fine, the next day I hate him and everything in my life is wrong.

I swear I wouldn't blame my poor husband if he walked out on me. I have picked at this poor man more than I care to admit.

Just this morning I carried on for hours of why he just can't replace the toilet paper roll, he always forgets and then I have to do it. I hate being like this but I do know that relationships can really suffer when we start withdrawal and wake up.

My advice would be to step back..take a deep breath and wait for more healing.

It's really not as bad as it seems.

 

Couldn't help but laugh at the image of Beulah reading the riot act to her  husband about the toilet paper.

 

Unfortunately, this kind of thing, can actually  be quite infuriating !

 

I think our husbands are busy taking deep breaths and trying not to do anything rash as well !

[[...]]

Sky,

 

I’m so sorry you have been thrown into another wave. You have come a long way and this will be over for you soon. This is ridiculously hard. You are very brave and strong even though it probably doesn’t feel like it. This WD makes us feel so insecure and fragile when infact we are very courageous, especially when in a fierce wave and our minds are telling us it will never end. Like I said, I have never felt envious in my life before. It’s mainly at work when you have to hold it together somehow and WD is just there in the background, I just envy anyone who doesn’t have that….. you know what I mean. We have to keep telling ourselves that soon that will be us, wow can you imagine?

 

Keep at it

[[Fi...]]

I don't think envy itself is a WD symptom per se, like health fears.  But who wouldn't envy the well and healthy when they're slogging through this hell?  It's just another thing to cope with when our resources for coping are stretched extremely thin. 

[[je...]]

Envy is part of the process.. I had it so bad for the first year that I couldn't go on fb anymore because I would get so depressed and jealous of people living their lives.. It does pass in time. Promise

 

 

Coop- thinking of you 

Peace-- everything Beulah said is spot on

 

[[be...]]

Peace- It's healing, that's all it is. Before you go doing anything irrational don't trust the negative thoughts.

I'm here to tell you that one day I love my husband and everything is fine, the next day I hate him and everything in my life is wrong.

I swear I wouldn't blame my poor husband if he walked out on me. I have picked at this poor man more than I care to admit.

Just this morning I carried on for hours of why he just can't replace the toilet paper roll, he always forgets and then I have to do it. I hate being like this but I do know that relationships can really suffer when we start withdrawal and wake up.

My advice would be to step back..take a deep breath and wait for more healing.

It's really not as bad as it seems.

 

Couldn't help but laugh at the image of Beulah reading the riot act to her  husband about the toilet paper.

 

Unfortunately, this kind of thing, can actually  be quite infuriating !

 

I think our husbands are busy taking deep breaths and trying not to do anything rash as well !

 

Sky, thinking of you picturing me laying into my husband over the toilet paper..made me laugh.

 

I hate myself on days like that..and I know my husband does. I owe him big time when I'm well. :thumbsup:If he's still around.

 

[[...]]

Envy is part of the process.. I had it so bad for the first year that I couldn't go on fb anymore because I would get so depressed and jealous of people living their lives.. It does pass in time. Promise

 

 

Coop- thinking of you 

Peace-- everything Beulah said is spot on

 

 

I still won't go on FB. But then I find something oddly fake about people gushing on FB all the time. It's like, if you are so fabulously busy and jet set,  how do you find the time to plant it on the internet constantly. But that might be the FB WD symptom talking  Bitter me? Noooo

[[...]]

marj--in fairness, I pretty much excused myself from the rest of the world during this, just stayed home on the farm, so I never had to overhear normal life going on.  I'd have been as annoyed as you, I'm sure.  Last October, I left the house a total of three times in a month--twice for acupuncture and once to see my therapist.  That's it.  I'm not exaggerating.  That's the point where I signed on to the BB board and suddenly felt less isolated.  But then, on BB, I'm only reading stories about other people going through the same thing, so I don't have to worry about envy.  People manage this all different ways, some, like Drew, insisting on staying as engaged with life as possible.  And everybody hasn't had the luxury I've had of just sidelining myself from life for the duration.  It's what worked for me, though.  Somebody started a regrets thread, where they were detailing how bad they felt about their behaviour  to others during withdrawal.  I've got no regrets because I tried to limit the number of people I was inflicting myself upon and vice versa!

 

I continue to be amazed that you can hold down your job.  Highly admirable.

 

FG, that's what I am like at weekends. Apart from doing the food shopping which I have to psyche myself up for, I just survive by myself. I don't want to see anyone apart from my kids. I chat to the neighbours briefly (the nice ones) through a fake smile. Ii know what you mean about inflicting yourself on others. I apologize to my 2 all the time, but we love each other unconditionally.

 

The work thing......some can, some can't. I know every weekend and particularly at this time on a Sunday I do not know how I am going to make it to work. Some how I do and it gets me out of bed five days a week. I am lucky I don't have to arrive until 10.30 as it literally takes me 2 hours to get ready, not because I am beautifying myself but I put my make up on and do my hair every week day and I can only do this at snail pace. On a weekend I barely brush my hair. Some are aware at work what I am going through, although I do wonder if they just think I am a flaky, anxious wreck. Hell, I can't wait to show them the real me. Many times I think, I can't do this, it's too hard. The alternative for me would be to lose eveything.

 

Do you know I have never felt or understood envy before, until now. I envy anyone with a normal simple life now and I can't wait till that leaves with all the other crap. Right now, I'm scared it never will. Another benzo lie 

 

Marj, when this is over, you will have a spine of titanium.  You have suffered terribly and managed to hold on to everything.  And you're going to feel very, very good about yourself for that. 

 

and that day does come, when we don't look crazy anymore, we are us again, strong and powerful.  that's the word, that's how I felt, strong, intelligent and powerful.  the symptoms made me so weak mentally for so long that I had lost all my confidence, my sense of self, and when "I" came back, it was amazing. 

not that every day is great.  I still have plenty of physical stuff going on, I still get moody and cranky, but getting 'self' back, major miracle of healing.

 

you and Peace, hold on, watch for it, wait for it, it's coming.  soon.

 

 

Wow Green,

 

I read this first thing this morning and did I need it!! Thank you ever so  I read it over and over as I can relate to everything you have said.

 

My day has improved, just left with concrete head/brain and rigour mortis for now.

 

I have made a positive plan in that as soon as I can I am going to take my daughter to New York. I went for my honeymoon in 1996 and she is desperate to go. Better get saving 

[[Fi...]]

I think Facebook is poison for EVERYBODY.  Just watch the younger generations doing their break-ups in public and then eating their hearts out as they watch their exes post pictures of their thrilling new relationships. 

 

I've never signed on and never would.  I listen to friends upset that their daughters-in-law post pictures of their own mothers with the grandkids and not so many with them.  Why would they even go there?  Who needs that?

 

I think it would be even worse for somebody in benzo withdrawal.  Anything is going to look better than what we've gone through.

 

In my opinion, reading other people's Facebook pages during this is putting yourself in harm's way.  Your boss (you) shouldn't let you do it!

[[Gr...]]

marj--in fairness, I pretty much excused myself from the rest of the world during this, just stayed home on the farm, so I never had to overhear normal life going on.  I'd have been as annoyed as you, I'm sure.  Last October, I left the house a total of three times in a month--twice for acupuncture and once to see my therapist.  That's it.  I'm not exaggerating.  That's the point where I signed on to the BB board and suddenly felt less isolated.  But then, on BB, I'm only reading stories about other people going through the same thing, so I don't have to worry about envy.  People manage this all different ways, some, like Drew, insisting on staying as engaged with life as possible.  And everybody hasn't had the luxury I've had of just sidelining myself from life for the duration.  It's what worked for me, though.  Somebody started a regrets thread, where they were detailing how bad they felt about their behaviour  to others during withdrawal.  I've got no regrets because I tried to limit the number of people I was inflicting myself upon and vice versa!

 

I continue to be amazed that you can hold down your job.  Highly admirable.

 

FG, that's what I am like at weekends. Apart from doing the food shopping which I have to psyche myself up for, I just survive by myself. I don't want to see anyone apart from my kids. I chat to the neighbours briefly (the nice ones) through a fake smile. Ii know what you mean about inflicting yourself on others. I apologize to my 2 all the time, but we love each other unconditionally.

 

The work thing......some can, some can't. I know every weekend and particularly at this time on a Sunday I do not know how I am going to make it to work. Some how I do and it gets me out of bed five days a week. I am lucky I don't have to arrive until 10.30 as it literally takes me 2 hours to get ready, not because I am beautifying myself but I put my make up on and do my hair every week day and I can only do this at snail pace. On a weekend I barely brush my hair. Some are aware at work what I am going through, although I do wonder if they just think I am a flaky, anxious wreck. Hell, I can't wait to show them the real me. Many times I think, I can't do this, it's too hard. The alternative for me would be to lose eveything.

 

Do you know I have never felt or understood envy before, until now. I envy anyone with a normal simple life now and I can't wait till that leaves with all the other crap. Right now, I'm scared it never will. Another benzo lie 

 

Marj, when this is over, you will have a spine of titanium.  You have suffered terribly and managed to hold on to everything.  And you're going to feel very, very good about yourself for that. 

 

and that day does come, when we don't look crazy anymore, we are us again, strong and powerful.  that's the word, that's how I felt, strong, intelligent and powerful.  the symptoms made me so weak mentally for so long that I had lost all my confidence, my sense of self, and when "I" came back, it was amazing. 

not that every day is great.  I still have plenty of physical stuff going on, I still get moody and cranky, but getting 'self' back, major miracle of healing.

 

you and Peace, hold on, watch for it, wait for it, it's coming.  soon.

 

 

Wow Green,

 

I read this first thing this morning and did I need it!! Thank you ever so  I read it over and over as I can relate to everything you have said.

 

My day has improved, just left with concrete head/brain and rigour mortis for now.

 

I have made a positive plan in that as soon as I can I am going to take my daughter to New York. I went for my honeymoon in 1996 and she is desperate to go. Better get saving 

 

That sounds like a wonderful trip.  I live outside the city, but go in frequently, and it really is amazing.  expensive!  but there are ways to cut corners.  (just don't eat or sleep, lol!)