12-18 month support

[[63...]]

Well I'm just sitting in my garden,  trying ignore my thoughts saying I should be doing this and that. The exhaustion wont let me, however I will go for a walk soon before I go to the supermarket. Every saturday I say I cant do it but I always do. My moods are swinging like a monkey in a tree, all driven by thoughts. The thing is in this, we want to live a normal life so much and it is just impossible when in WD. Doing what we can is so bloody hard to accept sometimes, especially when you can hear and see people just being able to get on with it. Hopefully when this is over we will never take life for granted, ever. I know there is so much I would like to do with my life, only my brain wont let me yet. It needs to escape from this prison and just accept thats where we are right now. Ugh, not easy!

 

Hi Peace,  hope you are doing ok. We will make it to the other side

 

Thinking of you Marj...

 

You and i jumped at the same time...15.5 months out. I could have written what you have said here myself. But all of us here know the drill; be patient, accept, and live each day as best as we can while we await for these damaged brains to heal....

[[...]]

FG,  yes I know everyone has their shittiness going on: I know that too well, my niece has a job interview next week and messaged that she didnt know what to wear. Simple enough you would think. No not with this going on. If I was not in wd I would be all over it, taking her under my wing. I'm just pissed off with day after day tripe. People at work are all exited about their holidays/weekend plans and it just gets my goat when in survival mode. Sometimes its hard not to compare and I understand its best to just detattch and let go. I really hate being so self absorbed. Thanks for reminding me it doesnt help

[[pe...]]

Hi Marj,

I just want to echo that it gets better. I still deal with mental symptoms at 18.5 months, some real humdingers but I can keep them in a box for the most part. My mind is not so completely saturated in the yuck on many days and that's a fairly recent development. I am in summer go mode with my family. Lots of travel, events, house projects and get togethers. And mostly I am thankful for the distraction and even having moments of real gratitude. It's a long journey and you are doing an amazing job. Every day. It will get better. Stay here on this thread with us. This crew is amazing. Because no one gets left behind.

 

Peace2

[[...]]

Well I'm just sitting in my garden,  trying ignore my thoughts saying I should be doing this and that. The exhaustion wont let me, however I will go for a walk soon before I go to the supermarket. Every saturday I say I cant do it but I always do. My moods are swinging like a monkey in a tree, all driven by thoughts. The thing is in this, we want to live a normal life so much and it is just impossible when in WD. Doing what we can is so bloody hard to accept sometimes, especially when you can hear and see people just being able to get on with it. Hopefully when this is over we will never take life for granted, ever. I know there is so much I would like to do with my life, only my brain wont let me yet. It needs to escape from this prison and just accept thats where we are right now. Ugh, not easy!

 

Hi Peace,  hope you are doing ok. We will make it to the other side

 

Thinking of you Marj...

 

You and i jumped at the same time...15.5 months out. I could have written what you have said here myself. But all of us here know the drill; be patient, accept, and live each day as best as we can while we await for these damaged brains to heal....

 

 

Thanks Robert,  yes I remember you from 6-12 months. Its great you are joining us. Never thought this would still be going on did you? When I learned it goes on for 2 yearsish,  I said nah, no way. Pft, well here we are at 151/2 months still in sicko lumber. We've come a long way, we will make it, although its been hard to believe this week. Patience and acceptance, you are correct. Not easy eh

[[Lo...]]

hi everyone I hope all is well. I have not checked in here in a very long time. This Thursday will be 15 months off for me and I'm still grappling with a few symptoms. A couple of them seem to have really flared up. The rocky boat sensation and my head feeling like it's all over the place. That is by far the worst symptom that I have (balance issues drama). Anyone else see a resurgence of symptoms after they feel kind of okay? Just a week ago I was out and about and having lunch by myself and feeling pretty good. I guess too I had a lot of lab work done yesterday and I think that really threw me off. it's nice to have good days. I remember once upon a time ago I didn't have any of those. Praying all is well with all of you and I pray for my benzo buddy friends every single day and night for total and complete healing. 

[[Fi...]]

marj--in fairness, I pretty much excused myself from the rest of the world during this, just stayed home on the farm, so I never had to overhear normal life going on.  I'd have been as annoyed as you, I'm sure.  Last October, I left the house a total of three times in a month--twice for acupuncture and once to see my therapist.  That's it.  I'm not exaggerating.  That's the point where I signed on to the BB board and suddenly felt less isolated.  But then, on BB, I'm only reading stories about other people going through the same thing, so I don't have to worry about envy.  People manage this all different ways, some, like Drew, insisting on staying as engaged with life as possible.  And everybody hasn't had the luxury I've had of just sidelining myself from life for the duration.  It's what worked for me, though.  Somebody started a regrets thread, where they were detailing how bad they felt about their behaviour  to others during withdrawal.  I've got no regrets because I tried to limit the number of people I was inflicting myself upon and vice versa!

 

I continue to be amazed that you can hold down your job.  Highly admirable.

[[Se...]]

Hi, all.  Well, I survived the week-long "vacation".  I think the distraction, the inlaws, the comings and going and change of scene offered me valuable distraction.  I didn't stop long enough to really worry about the symptoms, although they were always there.  I kept pushing ahead, trying to keep busy despite how I felt.  There really IS something positive to say about distraction.  Unfortunately, I've never been a great self-distractor, so now that I'm back home, it feels like I'm back in a familiar rut.  Plus I'm just tired.  Tired of all of this.

 

After a year in withdrawal, I know I'm always changing... some things have left, some have intensified (unfortunately), and some things are seeming pretty static.  But life is about change, so I'm never NOT changing.  This is the thought I'm working with, at least for the moment.

 

Sending everyone lots of warm healing wishes.

 

Serenity 

 

 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... feeling like death warmed over this morning ... got in a walk so I guess I am not dying ... 

 

I seem to be in a cycle of waking up in the soup these last few mornings ... don't know what that means, probably doesn't mean squat ...

 

I suppose this is just another wave ... and it is all physical ... mentally I seem to be just fine ... cranky and smiling, my new normal these days ...

 

Have a good day Folks ... 

[[No...]]

Serenity ... glad you had a "distracting" vacation ... and it can be kind of a drag to come back to where we were when we left ...

 

And your sense of "changing" will be helpful, perhaps ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[...]]

Please forgive me, I hope it is ok that I write on this thread.  I am hoping to get some hope from those of you that have gone before me.

 

I just finished month 6 and the last 4 straight weeks (29 days straight) things have gotten so extreme.  I have been bedridden for two years suffering.  I finished my taper and my acute phase lasted 4 horrific months.  I thought I was finally starting to see some light, I was able to go for very short walks in month 5 and was finally out of bed for an hour a day.  Then the worst wave has hit leaving me scared and hopeless.  I mean Im really wondering where to go from here??  I have always been at least able to sleep a few hours during this until now.  Now, I go many nights in a row with absolutely NO sleep, not even 1 minute.  Im burning head to toe as if Im lit on fire all day everyday.  The anxiety/panic is the worst and is eating me alive literally.  so many symptoms raging at once with NO RELIEF at all.  I have tried my hardest to endure and just self talk that this will end soon, but after 4 straight weeks (i had one day with a few hours of a little relief) but this wave is by far much worse than my acute (and I cannot believe it could get worse)  did anyone else experience this after 6 months off?  how much longer could a wave of this intensity last?  Im starting to hallucinate from lack of sleep (which doesn't scare me but the anxiety does)  Any reassurance anyone could offer would mean the world to me.  Im so weary and not sure how much more I can hold on.  I have no where to turn.  and no relief in sight.  thank you for any kindness you can offer.  Im so sorry if I am not allowed to write here.

[[63...]]

Please forgive me, I hope it is ok that I write on this thread.  I am hoping to get some hope from those of you that have gone before me.

 

I just finished month 6 and the last 4 straight weeks (29 days straight) things have gotten so extreme.  I have been bedridden for two years suffering.  I finished my taper and my acute phase lasted 4 horrific months.  I thought I was finally starting to see some light, I was able to go for very short walks in month 5 and was finally out of bed for an hour a day.  Then the worst wave has hit leaving me scared and hopeless.  I mean Im really wondering where to go from here??  I have always been at least able to sleep a few hours during this until now.  Now, I go many nights in a row with absolutely NO sleep, not even 1 minute.  Im burning head to toe as if Im lit on fire all day everyday.  The anxiety/panic is the worst and is eating me alive literally.  so many symptoms raging at once with NO RELIEF at all.  I have tried my hardest to endure and just self talk that this will end soon, but after 4 straight weeks (i had one day with a few hours of a little relief) but this wave is by far much worse than my acute (and I cannot believe it could get worse)  did anyone else experience this after 6 months off?  how much longer could a wave of this intensity last?  Im starting to hallucinate from lack of sleep (which doesn't scare me but the anxiety does)  Any reassurance anyone could offer would mean the world to me.  Im so weary and not sure how much more I can hold on.  I have no where to turn.  and no relief in sight.  thank you for any kindness you can offer.  Im so sorry if I am not allowed to write here.

 

 

elle,

 

Your are perfectly welcome to write here...this is an awesome group of people! Please feel free to post any time!

 

I am coming up on 16 months off and it is so much better....please hang in there. My worst wave hit at about where you are right now, 6 months after finished my taper. I was mentally unprepared for it, thinking that I had gone through the worst. It is common for people to have their worst wave some months after they have jumped off the drug. Case in point, one of the people who posted regular in this thread and who has now pretty much healed had no real symptoms unitl 5-6 months off and then was hit by a wave from hell. Sometimes, that's just how w/d can go for many people.

 

Please hang in there. I know its hard. Try to only concern yourself with getting through this moment, this day. Dont worry about the future. Your job is to continue to nurture yourself as you allow your nervous system to heal. You are in my thoughts! -R.

[[No...]]

Elle ... you are welcome here ...

 

This very confusing and hard stuff we are doing ... and we get through it ...

 

Many of us have been where you are now, and we survived, as you will ... some days it is only about survival, getting through this moment, this day ...

 

We just hang on and live through what is in front of us ... and if we do that we will get better ... nobody gets left behind ...

 

Many of us have been surprised at how much we can endure ... we never thought it could be this rough ... and we got through it, as you will ... 

[[No...]]

Good Morning, Robert ... hope you are doing well today ... I am having a bit of a ride down the rocky road these past few days ... not terrible just lousy ...

 

Oh well ... it is what it is until it isn't ... 

[[Mo...]]

Please forgive me, I hope it is ok that I write on this thread.  I am hoping to get some hope from those of you that have gone before me.

 

I just finished month 6 and the last 4 straight weeks (29 days straight) things have gotten so extreme.  I have been bedridden for two years suffering.  I finished my taper and my acute phase lasted 4 horrific months.  I thought I was finally starting to see some light, I was able to go for very short walks in month 5 and was finally out of bed for an hour a day.  Then the worst wave has hit leaving me scared and hopeless.  I mean Im really wondering where to go from here??  I have always been at least able to sleep a few hours during this until now.  Now, I go many nights in a row with absolutely NO sleep, not even 1 minute.  Im burning head to toe as if Im lit on fire all day everyday.  The anxiety/panic is the worst and is eating me alive literally.  so many symptoms raging at once with NO RELIEF at all.  I have tried my hardest to endure and just self talk that this will end soon, but after 4 straight weeks (i had one day with a few hours of a little relief) but this wave is by far much worse than my acute (and I cannot believe it could get worse)  did anyone else experience this after 6 months off?  how much longer could a wave of this intensity last?  Im starting to hallucinate from lack of sleep (which doesn't scare me but the anxiety does)  Any reassurance anyone could offer would mean the world to me.  Im so weary and not sure how much more I can hold on.  I have no where to turn.  and no relief in sight.  thank you for any kindness you can offer.  Im so sorry if I am not allowed to write here.

 

Elle,

 

Welcome to the boards.  I'm so sorry you are suffering.  This path is a rough road.  First WOW!!!!  You did it!!  You tapered and got of the BEAST!  Congratulations.  That in itself is a huge accomplishment.  This might take a few years from us but staying in the drugs steals more.

 

I was not on the meds long but was shocked at the severity of my experience.  I didn't find BB until after my taper and then found myself ready to check into the nut house.  My first year off was worse then the taper.  Your body needs to continue healing for quite awhile.

 

I found more mental then physical stuff the first year out.  You sound 'normal' in the progression of things. 

 

One of the most powerful things I learned was to divide my physical/chemical storm sensations from the lie my brain was saying. 

 

I personally had to do my best to fill my mind at all times with other stuff.  I watched Joel Osteen for his 'you can do it' sermons and then Joyce Meyers because she had been thru everything including cancer and physical abuse but survived by Gods grace.  I went to counseling first 2x a week, then 1x a week and now I go biweekly.

 

I did watch the news or listen to any mood music other then happy stuff.  In fact, many times the only way hubby could coax me out of bed was to blast the happy song.

 

For laughs I YouTubed Jimmy Fallon skits..

 

It is a 'one day at time' process.  Try not to forecast or get ahead of yourself on the potential duration of a wave.  Sometimes you might even need to cut the day in half.  Focus on just getting thru daylight hours and completing in the must do tasks.

 

Night can be rough I know.  I have slept sitting up leaning over on the couch arm.  Get the hours where you can.  The insomnia and funk are really common.  Turning on the tv to nonsense shows like kids tv or the hallmark channel helps. 

 

I kept a constant clatter in my home.  Hubby was onboard with whatever needed to be done. 

 

If I was crazy in the early am hours I marched around my living room speaking out against whatever thoughts came my way.  Everyone has their own thing.

 

Burning limbs I did not experience but hot flashes and night sweats.. Yes. 

 

It's very disruptive.  There are lots and lots of success story's to fill your mind.  Many who suffered at length.

 

Health fears is also huge.  Probably because we have so many aches and pains that we have to ignore to stay out of the ER.  Heck ... I've already called my Dr this morning asking if I should go to the ER because of some long lasting s/x I've had over the past few months.

 

This does wind it's way down but it can take awhile. 

 

Look for your progression over months and not days or weeks. The biggest accomplishment is getting the drugs.... Then it's staying off.

 

You are not alone in this process.  If you are a person of faith, that can really help to. 

 

Hugs Ella. 

[[Se...]]

Serenity ... glad you had a "distracting" vacation ... and it can be kind of a drag to come back to where we were when we left ...

 

And your sense of "changing" will be helpful, perhaps ...

 

Be Well ... 

 

Thanks, Nova. 

 

Change is the only constant... isn't that what they say?  Well, then, I'm changing... slowly & surely for the better overall, even though the endless potholes (more like fissures at this point) regularly derail me. 

 

Warm healing wishes to you & all other friends here. 

[[Gr...]]

:smitten:Hi Marj,

I just want to echo that it gets better. I still deal with mental symptoms at 18.5 months, some real humdingers but I can keep them in a box for the most part. My mind is not so completely saturated in the yuck on many days and that's a fairly recent development. I am in summer go mode with my family. Lots of travel, events, house projects and get togethers. And mostly I am thankful for the distraction and even having moments of real gratitude. It's a long journey and you are doing an amazing job. Every day. It will get better. Stay here on this thread with us. This crew is amazing. Because no one gets left behind.

 

Peace2

 

:smitten:

[[Gr...]]

Hi, all.  Well, I survived the week-long "vacation".  I think the distraction, the inlaws, the comings and going and change of scene offered me valuable distraction.  I didn't stop long enough to really worry about the symptoms, although they were always there.  I kept pushing ahead, trying to keep busy despite how I felt.  There really IS something positive to say about distraction.  Unfortunately, I've never been a great self-distractor, so now that I'm back home, it feels like I'm back in a familiar rut.  Plus I'm just tired.  Tired of all of this.

 

After a year in withdrawal, I know I'm always changing... some things have left, some have intensified (unfortunately), and some things are seeming pretty static.  But life is about change, so I'm never NOT changing.  This is the thought I'm working with, at least for the moment.

 

Sending everyone lots of warm healing wishes.

 

Serenity 

 

Glad it worked out well.  Now take a well deserved rest!

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning ... feeling like death warmed over this morning ... got in a walk so I guess I am not dying ... 

 

I seem to be in a cycle of waking up in the soup these last few mornings ... don't know what that means, probably doesn't mean squat ...

 

I suppose this is just another wave ... and it is all physical ... mentally I seem to be just fine ... cranky and smiling, my new normal these days ...

 

Have a good day Folks ... 

 

Yes, Nova, cranky and -- not smiling!  just cranky.  what's that about?  I'm irritable.  sick of living in my new little box.  want to bust out.  afraid there'll be hell to pay!

[[Gr...]]

Please forgive me, I hope it is ok that I write on this thread.  I am hoping to get some hope from those of you that have gone before me.

 

I just finished month 6 and the last 4 straight weeks (29 days straight) things have gotten so extreme.  I have been bedridden for two years suffering.  I finished my taper and my acute phase lasted 4 horrific months.  I thought I was finally starting to see some light, I was able to go for very short walks in month 5 and was finally out of bed for an hour a day.  Then the worst wave has hit leaving me scared and hopeless.  I mean Im really wondering where to go from here??  I have always been at least able to sleep a few hours during this until now.  Now, I go many nights in a row with absolutely NO sleep, not even 1 minute.  Im burning head to toe as if Im lit on fire all day everyday.  The anxiety/panic is the worst and is eating me alive literally.  so many symptoms raging at once with NO RELIEF at all.  I have tried my hardest to endure and just self talk that this will end soon, but after 4 straight weeks (i had one day with a few hours of a little relief) but this wave is by far much worse than my acute (and I cannot believe it could get worse)  did anyone else experience this after 6 months off?  how much longer could a wave of this intensity last?  Im starting to hallucinate from lack of sleep (which doesn't scare me but the anxiety does)  Any reassurance anyone could offer would mean the world to me.  Im so weary and not sure how much more I can hold on.  I have no where to turn.  and no relief in sight.  thank you for any kindness you can offer.  Im so sorry if I am not allowed to write here.

 

Elle, I'm so sorry you're suffering so terribly.  Good news is, it's withdrawal, and it will end.  the other news is no one can predict how long it takes each of us to heal, and you need to carve out a peaceful place in your mind and try to hunker down as best you can. 

You can always come here, but you may not be comfortable because a lot of us are past where you are now and we may not be able to support you as well as those who are where you are.

 

But it does get better, everyone gets better, and you will, too

[[be...]]

Afternoon all,

 

Welcome elle, As the others said, we have been through and some still going through as you describe.

All of this can be frightening and discouraging at times, but we seem to keep making it.. day by day.

Yes, the process is so very slow, but all of us here are seeing improvements..as you will.

Keeping it low and slow seems to be working for us. Hoping windows are right around the corner for you.

[[be...]]

Nova- Cranky and not smiling..yep that's me today.

Went to the family reunion yesterday and over did things.

This too..shall pass.

 

Serenity- Welcome home!! Glad you had some nice distraction going on for your vacation. I think that's healing in itself when we're able to distract from the symptoms.

Now, sit back relax and let the unpacking go for now.

You now have some good memories to get you through for a while.

[[Se...]]

Thanks, green & Beulah! 

 

Husband talking about going back in a week for another (shorter) trip.  I've decided to go, unless I really get dragged across the broken glass of w/d the preceding days - ha.  I seem to be in some sort of limbo, but at least it's not severe depression or anxiety.  Don't know what to call it.  (Surviving & breathing?)  Anyway... yeah, just letting the unpacking & laundry sit for a bit.  I'm regrouping now.  Or something. 

 

Beulah, a family reunion is not for the faint of heart at the best of times!  Congrats to you for being able to swing that.  Wow! 

[[...]]

Robert, Nova, Mommy, Green & beulah:

 

Tears are streaming as I read your posts.  Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.  I never thought this could get so much more severe.  I understand the window wave thing but I always thought that they would get less extreme the further out??  Can any of you tell me when it seems most turn a corner to either less extreme waves or maybe shorter in duration?  I cant even begin to wrap my head around enduring more of these.  I know to stay in the moment, but that is so hard to do in a wave when there is no relief in sight.

 

thank you from my heart for your kindness.  I wish you all fast healing.  all my love elle

[[No...]]

Elle ... for all of us, our timelines are a constant surprise ... we never know what is going to happen day to day, sometimes hour to hour ... and that is distressing ...

 

I believe what each of us have come to accept is that we are healing .. every hour ... no matter what is going on, or for how long it has gone on ...

 

Coming to a place where sometimes all we can hold onto is this acceptance ... we all heal ...

 

And knowing all the times we have said to ourselves and each other "I can't do this anymore" ... or ... "this is too much" ... or ... "why this, why now" ... all these "can'ts" and "toos" and "whys" seem to often only add to our confusion and distress ...

 

You are in a very difficult place ... and you will get through it ... we all have ... your kindness towards yourself, your acceptance that this is your healing, day after day will help see you through this suffering ... this is a gift we are giving ourselves, the possibility of living a life without these drugs ...

 

We can only be where we are, right here, right now ... and we have come to know that many before us have gotten through this and so will we ...

 

Many of us went through a time when all we could do was survive this hour, this day ... this time will pass for you, you will get through it ... and no one can say when that will be ... all the generalities are just that ... empty statements that cannot be felt as helpful because we are all blessedly unique ... and precious ...

 

[[No...]]

Beulah and Green ... glad I am not the only "crank" around here ...