12-18 month support

[[pe...]]

Marj-

I am so sorry you are still in it. I have a bit of a break from work but I remember ticking away the hours on many days, trying to keep the tears at bay. I remember thinking that the only upside of my father's death in December was having a reason to look so harried and for crying at odd moments. It is so challenging. I've lived every word of your post and could have written it myself. We are all in it together. It is a huge blessing to not have to do this alone.

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Coop!

Congratulations on marrying off your daughter! 

I dream of turning my sons over to other women who want to wash their socks and make their toast! I hope your daughter has years of happiness and that you sparkle during this joyful time!

 

Love you,

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Nova-

22 months. That's a major journey and you've moved through it with such grace and wisdom. Painting the apartment, entertaining a job, seeing the big view. So grateful for all these steps toward your healing. Push on, dear friend.

 

Peace2

[[be...]]

Just an update....I am still feeling 80-85% done... except for the return ...or continuation of the belly pain/breathing/ coughing issue that stirs up my anxiety to acute levels. Managing to ride the anxiety out. No test results back yet, referral to gastrointerologist but no appointment yet. I am trying to just set it all aside  so I can enjoy my daughter's wedding. The work and chaos of all the planning and preperations are over...now just the celebration and fun. I am looking forward to it with the '2 selves' that Nova describes...the self that is better and so much more functional, and the wrecked self that is anxious and fogged still at times and can not quite "merge" with the more healed self. Where the heck is the merge lane, I need to find it soon.

  ...I know I will make another jump forward when my test results come back normal ( like they all do) and this last physical hurdle is behind me...On the very up side....all my cancer yearly checks came back normal and healthy.  So onward....

....BEULAH...yes the site was down all day yesterday...Freaked me out a little.. all must be well because here it was back ...with all my buddies this morning. It was good to see everyone this morning. I had a ' moment' yesterday of thinking  what if something happened to the site and I never got to talk to any of you again...or know that everyone landed on thier feet and went on to have big happy lives. ..so glad you are all here this morning....you are what keeps me put together through this..  ...love to all of you....coop

 

Coop, it's not even my daughter getting married and I'm getting emotional reading of the upcoming wedding. I think my heart feelings were held hostage for so long by the beast that the heart will find any excuse to let me feel emotions again....I would this is healing.

 

Yes coop, you know the tests will come back normal and you can put that health fear to rest..lock it up and throw away the key.

 

Keep feeding me with everything wedding...I want to hear it all.

[[Co...]]

Beulah, you are such a dear. I grieved for months when my son got married. He married young too... to his highs chook sweetie. They were each other's first loves...from the beginning of thier sophomore year of high school. Inseparable. ...went to university together... they were like an old married couple by the time they graduated...they were only 21/22.  .. They are still together and happy 3 little boys, 2 post graduate degrees , a mortgage and 14 years later.

.....It really hit me this weekend when my ex and I took my daughter out for breakfast at this train car restaurant that we used to take her to when she was little... with all the things that she had going on this week it was the last time she was going to be all ours..  I cried my eyes out that afternoon. I am hoping that I can keep my tears in check at her wedding. She was my little 'maybe baby' as we waited for her birth parents to sign her relinquishment ....I am excited and happy for her , but my heart breaks from missing my little redheaded sweetie girl. She was a beautiful little girl.  She is still beautiful.  But you get it..  for me there were times when my kids reached milestones I felt such a loss for thier childhoods. .. Well, that was a little self indulgent yammer

  ..I will share all of the tidbits that I remember after the wedding . My brother is coming in this evening. He is such a kind lovely person ...we grew up very close..  so glad to be seeing him.  ...Well, off I go into wedding land...I will probably post something later tonight as I will need some support. Tomorrow is the rehearsal dinner.  ....off we go ..  an end and a beginning..  ....coop

[[be...]]

Ahh Coop, I totally get it!!!! We're so happy for our children and all of their milestones of growing up, graduation, college, marriage, starting families of their own. Sometimes I think we feel lost after our kids have started their own lives and we wonder where we fit into life now.

Seems to be a lot of learning to accept what life deals us...in good times and in bad..we have accepted..and we move on.

 

Yes, you come here and cry all you want...tears of joy and sadness...we will cry with you.

 

 

[[Co...]]

Beulah.  Love to you fellow mama of grown up kids.. thank goodness for grandchilren...My daughter was only 7 when my son got married and I had a Montessori preschool in my home to keep me happily surrounded by little kids and my teaching that I loved.  .this time it's a little more difficult...but you are right....life keeps us moving along and we accept and embrace our new horizons and learn a little more about loving others and ourselves

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning ... starting 22 months out today ... hoping I am in the home stretch ...

 

I have had a rough couple of days with the physical stuff ... and sitting with it I am realizing that I can accept this physical stuff until it finally all goes away ... there has been so much improvement for me over the last six months or so ... if I give myself the acknowledgment I deserve I know this is coming to an end ... I will heal from the drug ...

 

Also, I am getting an awareness that the underlying anxiety that brought me to the drug is still present ... often I am sensing that there are two people present ... the one healing from the drug and the one emerging from this healing ... the one healing and the one who carries my history, my story ... I believe another sign of my healing is that these two are gradually merging ... and that feels right ...

 

So ... one lesson I have taken from my healing process is this "go slow" choice ... my anxiety has the characteristic of wanting to speed things up when it is present ... create a cloud of dust ... mask things ... hide its presence ... distract with confusion ... somewhat like a tantrum ...

 

Now, as I move through these next months it feels good to know this and to invite my anxiety to the table ... accept it, get to know it ... integrate it into my day to day journey ... seems this is much like what I had to learn and had to do with my healing ... nothing new under the sun ...

 

Wishing we all have a good day ... 

 

Nova, what a beautiful post.  well written, such great insight.  knowing ourselves, for me that is the beauty of this journey, self awareness, and self acceptance.  not trying to change myself so much.  I swear I think I spent my life trying to ram my square self into a round life hole.  That's how I ended up where I am.

 

The weather is better, isn't it?

[[Gr...]]

I adore you Green.

I'm so glad the mental symptoms are noticably better for you. I'll look towards the coming months and hope for healing. Some of the mental stuff is certainly better but it's all still there. Day by day by day is how I do this thing. Hardest thing I've ever done.

 

 

Thanks, green.

Peace2

 

More than noticeably better.  They're gone.  I'm me.  I would write a success story but for the leftover fatigue and sleep issues. and an assortment of odds and ends. Now it's all physical for me. 

 

That's how bad my mental was!  It was so bad I didn't know how bad it was, until it lifted.  And it truly did, almost in one day.  Not one day.  but over a very short period of time healing accelerated. 

Healing really happens.  hang on, Mighty Girl.  LuvU2!

 

 

Green/Peace

 

Your posts just helped me this morning as I am in a wave from hell  after some heavy duty stress. The stress is sorted but the wave is rolling with physical and mental symptoms. I slept reasonably but got up with the worst anxiety I’ve had in a while. I started thinking,  this isn’t WD, it’s me just having a breakdown. At 15 ½ months I’m trying now to convince my mind that this is normal at this stage and that more time is needed and that my brain is still freaking out.

 

What I find so harrowing, and I’m sure that everyone feels this, is when things calm usually in the evening, you start to have faith again only to get up the next day with crap. Unfortunately my symptoms have seemed worse all week, hence my believe starting to waver that I will ever recover. Peace, you are totally right to say this is the hardest thing we have ever had to do, however our desire to come out the other side and to recover is so much stronger than WD and at the moment too, living day by day by day is the way to get through. It is a put one step in front of the other sometimes. I don’t know if it is true that when symptoms are raging it is a sign of healing going on.  My brain feels like has red hot glass stuck in it, if that makes sense and it feels very ‘poorly’. Yes I am at work but concentrating is very hard, it keeps some normality in my life though although I let my mask slip on Tuesday and cried when someone asked me if I was ok. This fake it till you make it thing has being going on a long time now, never would I have believed it could be still this awful.  I know I am not alone and that is comforting

 

Marj, my favorite withdrawal quote:  Churchill.  when you're going through hell, don't stop  (think that's it.)  that's what it feels like.  try to think as little as possible.  one foot in front of the other.  this is a difficult time.  it's going to get better, a lot better.

[[Gr...]]

Coop!

Congratulations on marrying off your daughter! 

I dream of turning my sons over to other women who want to wash their socks and make their toast! I hope your daughter has years of happiness and that you sparkle during this joyful time!

 

Love you,

Peace2

 

Peace, I hate to break this to you, but those boys are not so anxious to leave!  and these young girls are not so anxious to wash their socks and make their toast!  there's probably a connection there! 

 

I may get them mail order brides if they're still home at 30, lol!

[[Gr...]]

Beulah, you are such a dear. I grieved for months when my son got married. He married young too... to his highs chook sweetie. They were each other's first loves...from the beginning of thier sophomore year of high school. Inseparable. ...went to university together... they were like an old married couple by the time they graduated...they were only 21/22.  .. They are still together and happy 3 little boys, 2 post graduate degrees , a mortgage and 14 years later.

.....It really hit me this weekend when my ex and I took my daughter out for breakfast at this train car restaurant that we used to take her to when she was little... with all the things that she had going on this week it was the last time she was going to be all ours..  I cried my eyes out that afternoon. I am hoping that I can keep my tears in check at her wedding. She was my little 'maybe baby' as we waited for her birth parents to sign her relinquishment ....I am excited and happy for her , but my heart breaks from missing my little redheaded sweetie girl. She was a beautiful little girl.  She is still beautiful.  But you get it..  for me there were times when my kids reached milestones I felt such a loss for thier childhoods. .. Well, that was a little self indulgent yammer

  ..I will share all of the tidbits that I remember after the wedding . My brother is coming in this evening. He is such a kind lovely person ...we grew up very close..  so glad to be seeing him.  ...Well, off I go into wedding land...I will probably post something later tonight as I will need some support. Tomorrow is the rehearsal dinner.  ....off we go ..  an end and a beginning..  ....coop

 

Coop, how beautiful!  your memories, your joy, your bittersweet!  All these feelings.  That's a gift of healing.  Enjoy this wonderful special day with your family!

[[dr...]]

Holy rapid thread moving!

 

Green-another one of us writing a success story soon.  this is getting good

 

coop-have a great time at the wedding. 

 

Nova-I was just thinking about old/new issues merging...I'll explain below...

 

Hi all...I just completed the meeting which has caused me so much anxiety and anticipation on catastrophe.  I ended up doing great!  I went to the gym before the meeting to try and burn off any anxiety but of course I couldn't.  I did practice changing my negative thoughts whenever one popped into my head to "I will do great..I will be nervous but that is a normal response at this time".  I was wonky in the meeting and my voice was shaky at times but I persevered.  I said "no damn it I will not be scared by you irrational fear/anxiety".  I had several big spikes but they died down.  The prospect said "most helpful and a very professional presentation"...this from a CEO of a company!!!  Not a two person company either like Coop and I being the CEO of health anxiety inc  

 

I do feel while much of the anxiety is from my brain not having the capability to handle added stress I always had trouble in meetings.  So wether it is the majority of one or the other it doesn't matter.  I am practicing CBT and exposure therapy to move past this.  If it gets better does it really matter which anxiety it is? 

 

Very proud and relieved.  Sounds silly typing that but we have to take any victory/feel good moment we can get. 

[[...]]

Marj... so sorry you are in that exhausting up and down and all around mind crushing throw around with benzo w/d. Green and Nova and myself all went through it for a few months this spring....The good news is that it lifts for you in the evenings. It will sort itself out into a vague pattern eventually. I don't know how you get through work without crying every day. Peace and HH and Drew have worked all the way through as well. Maintaining that 'I am ok...' ... 'let's look normal' mask just takes super human powers....You are really holding on and progressing.  Go slow and low as much as you can and take all the support you need from the thread.. We are all here for you.....Wishing you some rest .. some time off...and some long sunbreaks....coop

 

Thank you coop, the support from you and everyone I have got to know through BB is invaluable. There's just no one otherwise who truly knows how thoroughly heinous this is. Holding on yes, at the moment I don't feel much progress but time is the progress for now.

 

You definitely sound stronger and helping your daughter with wedding stuff takes super human powers too 

 

[[...]]

Marj ... "when things calm usually in the evening, you start to have faith again only to get up the next day with crap" ... yep ... that is a cycle some of us have found ourselves in ...

 

You are doing well ... and sure, sometimes it doesn't feel like it ... so, one day at a time ... we will get there ... 

 

Thanks Nova, 22 months and nearly there  It's funny (well not really) but I just can't imagine this ever not being here and I believe everyone going through this feels the same. All the healed say they never thought they would get over it. 

[[...]]

Marj-

I am so sorry you are still in it. I have a bit of a break from work but I remember ticking away the hours on many days, trying to keep the tears at bay. I remember thinking that the only upside of my father's death in December was having a reason to look so harried and for crying at odd moments. It is so challenging. I've lived every word of your post and could have written it myself. We are all in it together. It is a huge blessing to not have to do this alone.

 

Peace2

Oh peace, it is such a challenge. I've just come home from work and I'm so done but my emotions are all over so I'm going to have to go or a walk to 'clear'. This thing makes me so bad tempered.

 

Thank God we have each other. 

it was my dad's anniversary on Monday....... seems like last week  :'(

[[63...]]

Wow....this thread is really moving today.

 

I thought I would chime in here, really just to say hello to all of you and to let you know that I'm right here with you all, 15 1/2 months out, experiencing the same things as all of you are. Hands down, withdrawal is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through and it far surpasses anything that i could have ever imagined.

 

I can't begin to tell you all here how impressed I am with the mutual support and friendship that i see in this thread...it really is something, quite touching! If having to endure symptoms isn't bad enough, we are usually so misunderstood by the people and loved ones around us in our day-in, day-out lives, such that they can't even begin to get their heads around what we have to endure.  Support like this thread here is so invaluable!

 

I'm sorry to not have posted here much. I was far more active in the 6 to 12 month thread. Its difficult for me to write, something to do with typing on the keyboard...it is much easier for me to write with pen and paper...yet another bizarre w/d symptom! I have continued to stop by this thread to see how you all are doing, and to match my experience against yours. That has been very helpful.

 

I have healed quite a bit, especially over the last two months, but I still have some really nasty symptoms. Most of what remains in mental; agitation, anxiety (terror), DP/DR. My sleep still sucks, alas! What is huge for me, though,  is that I think that my heart palps are gone, and that was a real severe symptom for me, really for many years. Also, I achieved a personal milestone in healing last month by being able to get on a airplane and fly, half way across the country,  to visit firends and family out in California. I couldn't even dream of doing this for about two years, when i was still in my taper.

 

Anyhow, please know that my thoughts and prayers all with all of you here. We are all getting there, slowly but surely!

[[dr...]]

Hi Robert...great to hear from you...

 

 

Just wanted to update you all....I just got off the phone with Baylissa and she stressed many times that many people heal very quickly.  It can happen at any time.  She was very reassuring and she slapped me for having a glass of wine about once a week.   She said she it is the same to her as taking a benzo.  I know the jury is very mixed on that but It'snot make or break for me so I can forgo it.  I will give up my morning coffee again :'( as she said it can have a cumulative effect.    Lastly, she agrees with my therapist that my performances aren't probably good for me right now as my brain is too sensitive to wether it is good or bad stress.  Maybe I will take a limited role next run but I still don't want the process to claim that passion.  oh...on exercise she stressed to keep it simple.  Overall, a great call as she is an angel to help us all.

[[63...]]

Hi Robert...great to hear from you...

 

 

Just wanted to update you all....I just got off the phone with Baylissa and she stressed many times that many people heal very quickly.  It can happen at any time.  She was very reassuring and she slapped me for having a glass of wine about once a week.   She said she it is the same to her as taking a benzo.  I know the jury is very mixed on that but It'snot make or break for me so I can forgo it.  I will give up my morning coffee again :'( as she said it can have a cumulative effect.    Lastly, she agrees with my therapist that my performances aren't probably good for me right now as my brain is too sensitive to wether it is good or bad stress.  Maybe I will take a limited role next run but I still don't want the process to claim that passion.  oh...on exercise she stressed to keep it simple.  Overall, a great call as she is an angel to help us all.

 

I'm so pleased to hear that you were able to talk with Baylissa! She helped me out several times in April/May when i was in a real bad stretch. Yes, she really is an angel in helping us all.

 

Regarding excercise, ii am finding that the best thing for me in withdrawal is walking. I think that there is a line that I cross when i try to go for too much intensity or too much time during excersise that stresses my nervous system too far in its withdrawal state. A good 30 - 40 minute walk (not run!) or hike seems to work best for me. really, its just listening to your body....

 

 

[[No...]]

Drew ... good job today ... hanging in and getting done what needs to be done ...

 

I don't drink at all, so no comment on whine (wine) ... I only drink decaf and will NOT give it up ... I know caffeine sends me over the moon ...

 

Keeping exercise simple I think is wise ... I know it is for me ... had to give up body surfing in the bathtub ... the splashing was to much stress ...

 

Baylissa sounds like a wise and compassionate person ... she has certainly been around the benzo block ...

 

 

[[No...]]

Marj ... I often wonder what not dealing with this stuff will be like ... my constant response is good riddance ... 

 

Hope you are having a quiet evening ... 

[[No...]]

Robert ... thank you for letting us know you have found this thread helpful and encouraging ...

 

Yep ... one day at a time ... we are all getting there ... and as long as we stay with it, nobody gets left behind ...

 

Drop by whenever you can ... good to hear from everyone ... 

[[No...]]

Green ... after four days of humid off and on rain we have had a blustery sort of sunny day ... not hot, thank goodness ...

 

Still wading through this head pressure ... gets pretty loud now and then ... seems to like it here ... oh well, it will get bored and move on eventually ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[je...]]

Green-- your sounding really good, I'm so happy for you... And can I confess a little jealous

Coop- I understand how your feeling with your daughter.. It's bittersweet. I feel the same way with every birthday that passes for my boys. Happy they are growing, but sad at the time  and memories that are now gone.. Have fun at the wedding, when is it?

[[je...]]

Drew-- that is so cool that you talked to baylissa! So, you can just wake up one day and be completely healed?? I thought it was more of a gradual improvement over time??

Marj-- I get those same feelings in a wave, the mind plays a lot of tricks on us in w/d..

Nova-- head pressure is with me today too.. Ugh

Beulah-- the site was down for a while yesterday, I guess it's getting so busy here that they need more space on the website.. Coop, I also had the fear that I would never hear from all of you again..

 

[[dr...]]

nope...She said to me.  It usually is gradual but it can happen the other way too.   Maybe she meant four or five days? Either way sign me up!!!!!