12-18 month support

[[dr...]]

good morning all...I woke up with a headache an it will usually  amp up really bad in the next few hours and then fade.  Trying not to think wether or not this will turn into more migraine madness.  I truly hope not.  I felt okay last night.  My adreanline rushes seem much less in intensity which is a sign things are dying down.  Heart palps very minor.

 

I did try some tryptophan yesterday evening.  I performed last night so I got to bed late.  I only woke once at 3 to use the bathroom.  I fell back to sleep and the alarm woke me up at 6;30.  I am ALWAYS up before my alarm.  I will keep you posted.

 

Why are these waves so intense this far out?  I know it's normal but this is crazy. 

 

Peace-I hit that point the other night of just not minding if I die.  It is scary that we are pushed to this point.  It doesn't happen too often.  Maybe 3-5 times in my whole ordeal.  We all have to keep going

 

everyone else....continue to just survive each day and not think beyond the immediate. 

 

   

[[No...]]

Peace ... 

 

Be Well, my friend ...

 

And you will get through this "phase" just like you have gotten through all the others ...

 

Will be thinking about you especially tomorrow ...

[[No...]]

Drew ... yep ... this is crazy stuff ... think I read that somewhere in the fine print ... 

[[No...]]

Beulah ... tending in the kitchen ... my favourite distraction ... have a good day ... 

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... I went up town ... had to get an rx refill from my doc for my blood pressure meds ... things were pretty energized for a while ... then settled down to a dull buzz ...

 

Went over to the hospital where they have a Friday market to see some folks who market there and pick up this week's veggies ... by the time I got home things have settled down to my "normal" yuk ...

 

It is hot here in the sun, but there is a cool breeze and the shade is very pleasant ... the sun itself feels very "hot" this year ... perhaps that is just me ...

 

Enjoy your day ... smile at the doc for me ... 

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ...

 

Well ... I am either getting better or have completely lost it ... had a chat this morning with one the farmers that vend at the markets around Halifax ... I have bought from them for probably 15 years ... met them when they were just starting out ... good people ...

 

A smaller market opened a few weeks ago and these folks are having issues with getting folks to tend their stall for them at this market ... this is one of the retirement thingies I have thought of doing one day but I know I still could not handle being at the big market here for 9 hours every Saturday ...

 

So I spoke up and asked if they would consider me for the small market for 5 hours every Saturday ... and by the way I only work for food, not money ... we are going to talk again and they will look into this possibility ...

 

So, old Nova has opened his mouth and hopefully not fallen off the deep end ... we will see how this may unfold ... quietly I am excited and a little scared ...

 

Hope we all have a good day today ... 

[[Gr...]]

Hi Folks ...

 

Well ... I am either getting better or have completely lost it ... had a chat this morning with one the farmers that vend at the markets around Halifax ... I have bought from them for probably 15 years ... met them when they were just starting out ... good people ...

 

A smaller market opened a few weeks ago and these folks are having issues with getting folks to tend their stall for them at this market ... this is one of the retirement thingies I have thought of doing one day but I know I still could not handle being at the big market here for 9 hours every Saturday ...

 

So I spoke up and asked if they would consider me for the small market for 5 hours every Saturday ... and by the way I only work for food, not money ... we are going to talk again and they will look into this possibility ...

 

So, old Nova has opened his mouth and hopefully not fallen off the deep end ... we will see how this may unfold ... quietly I am excited and a little scared ...

 

Hope we all have a good day today ... 

 

Nova, I just got on and yours is the first post I saw.  And I cannot tell you how happy I am.  I think this is so great.  And free food!  Omg, it doesn't get any better.  seriously, food is expensive, lol.

 

getting better or completely lost it.  or said screw you fear, I'm moving on with my life?  That's what happened to me before Atlanta,  I refused to let the fear of how I might feel stop me.  (but, remember, we feel better enough to think that.  before we do, it wasn't possible.  withdrawal was never mind over matter, no way)

 

One of the first steps of healing is telling the fear to piss off.  So happy for you.  Fresh veggies.  wonderful.  I've got a good mind to come up one Saturday and shop

[[Gr...]]

Green!!!....HAPPY HAPPY MONTH 20....boy , it's been a long tough travel....but here we are getting better one day at a time. ....You are so close. ...How is the fatigue? ....I think you said you were able to leave the couch yesterday.  I remember this winter when all of our couches had permanent butt indents ....We are moving forward....I honestly never thought I would make it to month 20...foolishly I didn't think I would have to....imagine......coop

 

Coop, permanent butt indent.  lmao.  That's my living room couch, lol.  (I'm not kidding!)  First thing I should do in healing is get a new couch,

 

I'm doubling back to read the posts I missed.  I just saw Nova's new job.  And I'm so happy for him.

 

The trip to Atlanta, priceless for giving me confidence, for letting me know I don't have to quake in my boots, fearful of the benzo beast.

 

However, I've been mired in fatigue and some body aches, pains, stiffness.  Not one thing terribly unmanageable, but when we add up all the sx they take their toll.  I don't have a heck of a lot of energy,  have to really push myself to do anything, and there I'm slightly apathetic, don't have the desire to do much.

 

but in spite of this (maybe b/c I took the trip and it went well)  I'm very, very hopeful that I'm getting better.  I have supps for the fatigue but refuse to take them, my gut is telling me don't add anything to the mix, healing is happening, and I think my system is still very sensitive.  For me, I think it would be a big mistake to have a drink, or take any supps that might rev me.  even though I sense the supps would help. First time in my life, I'm listening to my own healthy good instincts, intuition, whatever we want to call it.

 

How are you, my dear Coop?  Getting ready for the big day?  Darn, it seems like yesterday we were talking about it and it was months away, and here we are and it's happening.  The paradox of withdrawal, time drags when you're suffering, but, dang, time seems to fly so fast at the same time.

 

I am sleeping, I toss and turn a bit and then sleep until 12 p.m.  Not ideal, but the sleep keeps me out of depression.  that terrible insomnia was wreaking havoc with my ability to cope.  first, we need sleep.  and then, after a day in withdrawal, we desperately need a break, need to clock out for awhile.

 

Korbe, I hope you're getting a little sleep these days.

[[Gr...]]

Hi buddies,

I had to take my son to his Dr for a check up and make sure he's all healed since surgery, I had anxiety all morning as I despise going to any Dr appt... I survived and felt fine once I was out of the office. Tonight we have dinner plans with friends and I'm already dreading it. I just hate the fact that I don't enjoy anything, everything I do is me pushing through and just getting through it, but I don't find any joy in it. My POTS sx are in full effect and I just feel so sick today, just want to lay down. Do you guys have a hard time even being able to tell if your better? When I'm in a wave like now, I can't see any healing, which I know isn't true. Does anyone else feel like that?

 

Green-- happy month 20! I felt a lot better in that month

Drew-- hope your feeling better!

 

Jenny, thank you!  I relate, I have been dealing with awful fatigue and POTS since I came back from my trip.  I'm at the very beginning of month 21, and I had it a week before that.

 

I'm scheduling very little in my life, being selfish, but what I do have to do, no way I look forward to it, I just get myself there, like a job.  And this is not me.  I remember enjoying a lot of stuff, lol.  I think I avoid anxiety by not expecting myself to enjoy things, just get the body there, and hopefully the mind will follow.

 

Hope you feel better soon.  so glad you're little boy is doing well.

[[Gr...]]

Mrs-I'm holding on for dear life.  I'm in a bad way.  My dad is telling me to go on an an AD.

 

Drew, when I almost went on an AD, I was in a terrible way.  People here talked me down.  It passed.  I'm glad I never took the AD.  I have heard of people taking them and doing okay, but they didn't help for very long.  I've also heard of people getting started on that track and ending up poly drugged again and taking years to heal.  it's a tough decision.  I opted to wait it out, and it passed, and I'm glad I did.

 

I know someone who took an AD in withdrawal, and she's not doing any better than I am.  Listen to your inner voice.  Feel better

[[Gr...]]

Drew... you are some kind of warrior. You have huge respect from me. It occurs to me that you are only slightly behind where Green and I were when we got so slammed we couldn't function. I am pretty sure we were both somewhere around 16 months. I had been doing really good for awhile and had just had a 5 day stretch of windows....and then bam!.  I felt like I was in acute again just getting slammed and slammed before I could not even catch my breath before I got slammed again . ...My baseline got better after I survived that. ...I am betting that yours will too.

. ..I know the terrible freaky scary thoughts that benzo is screaming through your brain.....non-stop, I know... but you are right it's all w/d.  I am so sorry that this wave has been so wicked ....thinking of you Drew.... coop

 

Yes, Drew, Coop is right, that was a terrible time, we did get slammed.  But it was the beginning of real healing, I believe.  Because when I finally came out of that storm, there was tremendous healing.  Hang in there, and take good care of yourself.

[[No...]]

Green ... the "job" is not a done deal yet ... and I hope it comes to pass ... I am looking at this not as a "job" but as a responsibility ... my first post-drug responsibility ... so, I will wait and see what transpires ...

 

Engagement ... is another way that I am looking at this ...

 

Hope your fatigue passes soon ... 

[[Gr...]]

Hi everyone. I guess it's time for an update. I have not posted on here in so long! I am now a little over 25 months off. Today, I feel great! I am raising 2 kids on my own and running a business, so that says a lot.

 

I have recently recovered from a nasty 3 month wave that kicked my ass! I thought it was never going to end! It was so hard to accept that after being well for so long that I was now desperate again. When you are in a wave, your mind goes right back to despair and you are convinced that you will never get better. It's hard to think of anything positive when you feel like dying. I just spent 3 months with extreme vertigo/dizziness, terrible insomnia, dp/dr, blurred vision, fear, stomach problems, lots of nausea and lack of appetite, fatigue, and just a weird chemical feeling.

 

I'm happy to say that my mind is clear again. I had a difficult time working these last 3 months because in order to help my clients, I need to be strong. (I counsel people with anxiety and those in withdrawal). Thankfully, my clients understand exactly what it's like to get hit with a wave.

This post is from more chocolate, I think we all need to hear this today, I know I do.

 

 

For those of you who are far out and stuck in a wave, it will pass! For those of you who think you will be dizzy forever and never heal.....you will! You are all very strong and I know you can do it. If you hold on a little longer, I promise it will get better. 

 

Jenny, this is very good to hear.  Also, it reminds us we're all exactly where we should be.

[[Gr...]]

Hi everyone. I guess it's time for an update. I have not posted on here in so long! I am now a little over 25 months off. Today, I feel great! I am raising 2 kids on my own and running a business, so that says a lot.

 

I have recently recovered from a nasty 3 month wave that kicked my ass! I thought it was never going to end! It was so hard to accept that after being well for so long that I was now desperate again. When you are in a wave, your mind goes right back to despair and you are convinced that you will never get better. It's hard to think of anything positive when you feel like dying. I just spent 3 months with extreme vertigo/dizziness, terrible insomnia, dp/dr, blurred vision, fear, stomach problems, lots of nausea and lack of appetite, fatigue, and just a weird chemical feeling.

 

I'm happy to say that my mind is clear again. I had a difficult time working these last 3 months because in order to help my clients, I need to be strong. (I counsel people with anxiety and those in withdrawal). Thankfully, my clients understand exactly what it's like to get hit with a wave.

This post is from more chocolate, I think we all need to hear this today, I know I do.

 

 

For those of you who are far out and stuck in a wave, it will pass! For those of you who think you will be dizzy forever and never heal.....you will! You are all very strong and I know you can do it. If you hold on a little longer, I promise it will get better. 

 

Hi Jenny, I also haven't posted here in a long time.  June 22nd I believe.  I read a few posts just now but not all.  I don't have the mental energy.

 

Glad to hear you are having an awesome day today.  Right now your message is slightly inspiring so I figured I'd quote you. Very happy to hear where you are at right now, congrats!

21+ months for me at this point.  I have felt like absolute SHIT for 3-4 weeks now.  Longest bad run in a row I can remember besides months 1-5.  The body fatigue, muscle fatigue, pain, strain, everything hurts so bad.  I have been taking 3 hour naps most days on accident.  I'll be sitting here and then I just pass out.  I still cut the lawn and go for walks here and there but it takes every ounce of mental pushing that I can muster.  For a week straight no matter what I eat turns to gas and crampy feelings.  I'm living in a complete dream that just will not let up.  I have literally had only a few hours of windows in the last 3 or so weeks.  I don't know how I can keep functioning like this, but I do.  I know it's just a passing phase but I hate this depressed feeling.  I'm always upbeat so I can't stand feeling like a drip ass who wants to mope around and sleep all the time.  I still say YES to everything but lately good times just seem to be around me, not part of me. 

 

What's throwing me an interesting curve is that the 3 of us are leaving for our big vacation in Virginia Beach early Saturday morning.  I pray that I snap out off this crap any second now and can enjoy this awesome vacation.  I have a feeling that even if I don't feel well when we get there the ocean will heal my mental state.  The ocean has always acted as my higher power for as long as I can remember. Even as a kid I felt a spiritual connection to it.  Whenever I am near it, life is good.  Just something about it that assures me everything is going to be alright.

 

Sorry I haven't been around in so long.  No thoughts of taking drugs again don't you worry....just in a huge rut.

 

Ok, I'm going to go look for my brain now, take it easy everyone.  Maybe I'll check in from VA Beach in a few days. 

 

Love to all.

 

PS:  Drew, sorry you are also in a rut.

 

Mike:

 

21+ months for me at this point.  I have felt like absolute SHIT for 3-4 weeks now.  Longest bad run in a row I can remember besides months 1-5.  The body fatigue, muscle fatigue, pain, strain, everything hurts so bad.  I have been taking 3 hour naps most days on accident.  I'll be sitting here and then I just pass out.  I still cut the lawn and go for walks here and there but it takes every ounce of mental pushing that I can muster.  For a week straight no matter what I eat turns to gas and crampy feelings.  I'm living in a complete dream that just will not let up.  I have literally had only a few hours of windows in the last 3 or so weeks.  I don't know how I can keep functioning like this, but I do.  I know it's just a passing phase but I hate this depressed feeling.

 

You just described exactly how I feel for the last two weeks, since I got back from Atlanta.  Everything to a T.  Except my mood isn't bad.  I'm not worrying.  Sometimes I do, a little, but I've been reading Lostdog's success story, and he describes that the fatigue, apathy, and wanting to sleep all the time was his last symptom, it was the last to go.  Maybe I'm foolish for not worrying more   I really think this is a sign of healing.  That said, it's debilitating, no doubt. 

Go low and slow.  I think we're getting there.

[[Gr...]]

No H. Pylori. I was so relieved. Then a couple hours ago my left hand got numb and crampy. I have the slightest discomfort on my left side. My brain jumps to heart attack. Is that ridiculous. I've been at both urgent care and the doctor this week due to the reflux. Both checked pulse, blood pressure, listened to heart. No one in my family, save for one uncle who has very poor eating habits, has ever had heart problems.

 

Is this just benzo brain health fear? Ugh.

Peace2

 

Left sided tingling and numbness is vey common in withdrawal.  I also get faux weakness and little stabbing pains in the hands and joints, esp the knees.  No, Peace, you cannot make this stuff up.  Remember, the second year is VERY PHYSICAL.  People who struggled mainly with mental in the first are caught unprepared.  It's frightening.  Don't be scared.  Stay calm.  Believe it or not, this is going to start winding down and you will be done.

 

I read a few posts from the woman with the Liz Taylor avator, I love her, and she's got this great response to the remaining symptoms, like so what, who cares? 

 

I loved that response, because, even though the success stories don't say it, at some point we will be ready to say so what, who cares.  which translates to me, acceptance of whatever is left, I'm not waiting anymore, I'm moving on with my life.  Of course we have to get there first.  And you will get there. 

[[Gr...]]

Thanks for helping me through last night. I'm still alive, so that's good. I just got to the point last night where I surrendered to God's will. People die. I'm one of them. It's going to happen someday. I can chase down every sensation or I can stay (relatively) calm and spend my days focusing on my children/family/friends and our happiness. So that when I do die there will be happy memories and not just terrified mommy memories. I'm under incredible stress right now. Tomorrow I give my dad's eulogy. Just gonna try to go low and slow. Guessing the tingling is carpel tunnel from holding my phone so much.

 

These health fears are amazing. I always thought- what is that all about?!? Now I guess I know. My fears use to be all about hurting myself or doing something 'crazy'. Those thoughts have burned off and seems the new fears are not about me losing control, but about having no control. Oh to be a mere mortal.

 

Hoping everyone is feeling a bit better or at least a bit more accepting of the places we find ourselves in.

 

Peace2

 

I'm still alive, so that's good. I just got to the point last night where I surrendered to God's will. People die. I'm one of them.

 

That's how I try to deal with it.  surrender control over what I can't control.

[[Gr...]]

Green ... the "job" is not a done deal yet ... and I hope it comes to pass ... I am looking at this not as a "job" but as a responsibility ... my first post-drug responsibility ... so, I will wait and see what transpires ...

 

Engagement ... is another way that I am looking at this ...

 

Hope your fatigue passes soon ... 

 

Nova, whether it comes through or not, just the thinking is the healing, thinking that you can do it, the first post-drug responsibility.  I think it's a milestone

[[Gr...]]

So I'm channeling MikeJee's symptoms, what he described exactly, except I'm older, lol, more broken, and therefore more accepting   Actually, I'm older and I have less to do.  little kids, job, social stuff, I don't deal with that stuff.  And I'm so grateful. I don't know how you younger people do it.  jobs, small children. 

 

I'm working hard to stay in the moment, trying not to project, not to let the fear get me, so I have mental horse blinders on, keeping my eyes on the road, hands on the wheel.  going low and slow.  a walk.  then the second half of Druid Shakespeare. 

 

Have the best day possible, everyone.

[[je...]]

Thanks for helping me through last night. I'm still alive, so that's good. I just got to the point last night where I surrendered to God's will. People die. I'm one of them. It's going to happen someday. I can chase down every sensation or I can stay (relatively) calm and spend my days focusing on my children/family/friends and our happiness. So that when I do die there will be happy memories and not just terrified mommy memories. I'm under incredible stress right now. Tomorrow I give my dad's eulogy. Just gonna try to go low and slow. Guessing the tingling is carpel tunnel from holding my phone so much.

 

These health fears are amazing. I always thought- what is that all about?!? Now I guess I know. My fears use to be all about hurting myself or doing something 'crazy'. Those thoughts have burned off and seems the new fears are not about me losing control, but about having no control. Oh to be a mere mortal.

 

Hoping everyone is feeling a bit better or at least a bit more accepting of the places we find ourselves in.

 

Peace2

 

 

 

I love this Peace, I'm trying to do this myself right now. I just need to let go of trying to figure this whole thing out, I'm not in control. The only thing I do have control over is eating good food, exercise, and self care. I need to let the rest go, easier said then done...

[[gi...]]

at month 16 and still miserable with shin, knee, and thigh pain. its intense, all day, everyday, sucks big time. Fatigue is unbelievable, in bed 13 hours a day, working one day a week now. I need some hope, please tell me it will get better. Sounds like a country song: girl friend left me, no money, depressed, weak, migraines, tremors, and have no life.

[[dr...]]

Nova-brilliant stuff!  I think you'd do wonderful.

 

Today was hard for me.. I spoke with two of my people on my team. I told them at this point I'd like help in my face to face client meetings until things improve. I'm doing well on all other aspects but the meetings are tough. They were both really understanding and said whatever it takes but I feel I keep losing parts of my life.  At this point I thought I'd be regaining them.

[[No...]]

Drew ... eventually the rock stops rolling down hill ... then what seems to have been lost or given up should start returning ... just a case of some more time ...

[[mr...]]

Drew ... eventually the rock stops rolling down hill ... then what seems to have been lost or given up should start returning ... just a case of some more time ...

 

This exactly!

 

 

 

Drew, it went "back & forth" like that for me too. Still does, at times, I can tell you that the "back & forth" gets less frequent, less intense, and life gets more awesome Just keep doin' what you gotta do to "let the water roll off your back", like a duck, man! Its ain't no big deal It will pass, and it will be great! Love to you bro

 

Mrs.

[[Ko...]]

Green Ice,

 

I'm in insomnia hell. 36 hrs no sleep. I've tried everything that I can and nothing works. It's very strange though, I can be sitting and reading and just fall asleep sitting up. I wake up because I stArt to fall over. So then I lie down and can't go to sleep.  The last 24 hrs I've been suffering with extreme burning & aching shins. When they are this bad it prevents me from sleeping. So I'm essentially being tortured with sleep deprivation and burning legs. The CIA should use this. Oh, I think they do.

 

Distraction helps, like watering the plants or going to the store, but I'm really tired today, so not sure I can even distract. I'll try to keep a positive attitude.

 

Sounds like your still underwater too. Glad your sleeping, it helps.

 

Take care

 

 

[[Si...]]

I know all to much about the falling asleep and jerking right awake. That's a terrible feeling. I've done way too many 36 hour awake stints to even count. Probably totals 3 months added up over the last 14 months. I had a 0 hour night this past Thursday. The insomnia is terrible and it's absolutely 100% my worst symptom overall. I did have a few day window before my Thursday break down. I felt almost at 100% Monday - Thursday. The terrible depression I've hadj for 6 weeks just lifted away. It's only back now slightly. So hopefully my baseline has improved. The 0 hour nights are strarting to become more infrequent. I maybe have had 4 or 5 this month. Some nights I only get 2 or 3 hours and sometimes 4-6. That's luxury compared to 0 though.

 

Sorry drew that you're getting hit hard. Maybe after this wave you're baseline will improve? I've had to ask for assistance at work too because of this. Which sucks because it's usually the other way around. Even my boss and previous managers would come to me and ask to help with something or give advice on the best way to accomplish something. Don't feel bad about it though. I'm sure your coworkers feel privileged that you asked for assistance.

 

Greek food food last night was amazing. I'm glad we went and it was good to hang out with my friends for a while. If anyone is in Atlanta and you want great Greek food, check out Taverna Plaka.