12-18 month support

[[Fi...]]

 

Well, Jenny, thanks for asking!  I was just coming on here to report the results of my little experiment.  To recap, I have been sticking to my personal protocol of one glass of wine a day ever since I got off my Oxycodone.  Just last week I began to wonder if the heart palps I was having in the evening were related to this habit, so for five days I abstained.  I wasn't completely free of heart palps (Especially when my mother called and pushed my buttons and sent me to 109 just sitting there!) but I seemed better.  Today I just thought I wanted that little relaxing happy hour and since I wasn't sure about the correlation, I poured myself a glass.  Jenny, I enjoyed it.  It relaxes me.

BUT......a couple of hours on, my heart's doing 101.  End of experiment.  I poured the rest of the bottle out.  It's not a problem for me to not drink it when I can see it's giving me trouble.

[[Gr...]]

 

Article about Stevie Nicks

 

 

 

Thanks, Greenice.  I'm curious.... where was this article published?  This is the most I've heard her talk about specific symptoms.  I really wish she would talk about it more.

 

PB, I'll check, but it was fairly recent.  You're right, she didn't seem to say much, but she's talking now.  She's furious, about how many years of her life she lost, that she might have met someone, had a baby.  This is surely the drug of the lost years.  The time you were on that you don't remember, the tolerance w/d, and what we're dealing with now.

[[Gr...]]

Peace, you are very much in my thoughts.  I lost my father 4 years ago and only now I realize that these years have been spent reacting to it. In wd I relived his final moments continuously, every single day.

Now that I am at my mother's place, it has all come back but much worse.

 

After the initial shock of changing house,changing bed, seeing my mother sicker, I have started feeling better but my  amygdala is really wild. I feel so lost, confused and mr Sky has to help me out even more than usual. This is so confusing.

 

Thanks for the support. It is discouraging to see so many months of healing, calm, disappear in no time at all, just crumble in a second.

 

I am always so scared of every single thing even though I am close to 14 months. It will go away, I know that, the novelty will wear out but I would have loved to handle the change a little better.

 

I also am getting brutal catastrophic thoughts, it all reminds me of the first days of my Ct, which I had hoped to have left very much behind.

 

I would like to do so much, that is my mistake, but I am not well yet, I really have to give myself time. I have not seen my mom in 11 months, there is tons of stuff she needs to get done and can't do herself. So that is some pressure that I put on myself, my mom just wants me to be here, happy.

 

And the crazy train seem to be always quite close, I never ever want to this close to madness ever again.

It is easy to want to do normal things, I had never realized how easy it actually is. But normal at Christmas may be too much for us now.

 

Hugs to everybody.

 

Yes, Sky, Christmas is too much for me, too, and I didn't travel far from home as you did.  You're my hero, GF.  Take it slow.  You will get some good days.  When are you coming home?

[[Gr...]]

Thanks G and FJ...I am not a hot mess right now but it is in teh back of my mind. 

 

Drew, I agree with those gals, G and FJ, I've had ovarian cysts, lumps on my neck -- everything resolved.  I think this will be fine.  And it sounds like you have a good doctor.

[[Gr...]]

 

Article about Stevie Nicks

 

 

 

Thanks, Greenice.  I'm curious.... where was this article published?  This is the most I've heard her talk about specific symptoms.  I really wish she would talk about it more.

 

 

FB, here's the full article, it's 2007, but there were some more current ones.

 

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CCAQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.telegraph.co.uk%2Fculture%2F3667803%2FStevie-Nicks-a-survivors-story.html&ei=xSCZVNSsDsOlNs6fgvAN&usg=AFQjCNEYLGY7B4cMr3ChIAJz3zhPrfiSQg&bvm=bv.82001339,d.eXY

[[Sk...]]

Peace, you are very much in my thoughts.  I lost my father 4 years ago and only now I realize that these years have been spent reacting to it. In wd I relived his final moments continuously, every single day.

Now that I am at my mother's place, it has all come back but much worse.

 

After the initial shock of changing house,changing bed, seeing my mother sicker, I have started feeling better but my  amygdala is really wild. I feel so lost, confused and mr Sky has to help me out even more than usual. This is so confusing.

 

Thanks for the support. It is discouraging to see so many months of healing, calm, disappear in no time at all, just crumble in a second.

 

I am always so scared of every single thing even though I am close to 14 months. It will go away, I know that, the novelty will wear out but I would have loved to handle the change a little better.

 

I also am getting brutal catastrophic thoughts, it all reminds me of the first days of my Ct, which I had hoped to have left very much behind.

 

I would like to do so much, that is my mistake, but I am not well yet, I really have to give myself time. I have not seen my mom in 11 months, there is tons of stuff she needs to get done and can't do herself. So that is some pressure that I put on myself, my mom just wants me to be here, happy.

 

And the crazy train seem to be always quite close, I never ever want to this close to madness ever again.

It is easy to want to do normal things, I had never realized how easy it actually is. But normal at Christmas may be too much for us now.

 

Hugs to everybody.

 

Yes, Sky, Christmas is too much for me, too, and I didn't travel far from home as you did.  You're my hero, GF.  Take it slow.  You will get some good days.  When are you coming home?

 

Sue, thanks for your reply, I am in a bad shape.

 

I am receiving constant catastrophic images,  intrusives and I am always agitated. Now, even if all the  horror I seem to be foreseeing were to be true, isn't that all the more reason to live in the moment ? But I am not, and I feel awful. I have fleeting moments in which I am ok, but most of the time, I am having a hard time concentrating, or doing anything else. I am always panicking, and getting easily upset and every single thing reminds me that we are in a valley of tears !! It al most seems worse than right after my ct, because now I do know better.

 

Sorry to give all these negativity. All last night I was just thinking, " if I can get on BB and tell this it will be better " !

 

I wanted to upload my XMas cards to wish you guys a Merry CHristmas but my benzo brain would have none of it,, and now it seems like it's really a lot of trouble.

 

Talk later,

 

Sky

[[Fi...]]

Sky--so sorry you're in such distress.

[[dr...]]

Sky-so sorry

 

hi all...I need support today...with all thehealth anxiety I am now in the mother of all fear/panic waves. The funny thing is I don't even think I am going to have a heart attack anymore.  This fear has now just taken on a life of its own.  I woke up at 5am and it has been adrenaline rush and fear non stop.  I came into work but I am sitting here trying to type I am having trouble even typing.  Please tell me this ends.  I know it does but boy oh boy is this process hard. Sorry for being so needy.

[[...]]

Drew, my organic fear has improved some! It's not gone, but better! I wasn't afraid of anything specific, just fearful!

 

It will end! I hope you improve soon!

 

[[Be...]]

I'm joining too if thats ok. I need friends lol.

 

I don't say much I'm mostly pissed off and grumpy, which might even be a Germans nature lol.

 

No it isn't. I've just had it. Worst symptom is akathisia and the complete utter terror than comes with it

[[...]]

Welcome, we jumped about the same time I see!

 

Wish this would end!

 

[[Be...]]

Yes me too! Maybe you jumped on my birthday?

 

I haven't seen any improvements. ....trying phenergan 7 weeks ago set me in to right hell....I just wanted to sleep

[[He...]]

Sky-so sorry

 

hi all...I need support today...with all thehealth anxiety I am now in the mother of all fear/panic waves. The funny thing is I don't even think I am going to have a heart attack anymore.  This fear has now just taken on a life of its own.  I woke up at 5am and it has been adrenaline rush and fear non stop.  I came into work but I am sitting here trying to type I am having trouble even typing.  Please tell me this ends.  I know it does but boy oh boy is this process hard. Sorry for being so needy.

 

Hi Drew,

(((Hugs))) It gets better. I know you know this, but it's hard to remember in the middle of a wave. You are simply having a temporary chemical storm in your body right now. I use the word "simply" not to negate how terrible it feels, but to illustrate that is all it is. Nothing more. It will go away.

How do you do with taking vitamin C? That helps me tremendously when I get those awful waves of fear and anxiety. It gets rid of the extra cortisol rushing through your body.

 

Hang in there, my friend. It DOES get better, I PROMISE you! 

[[mr...]]

Sky-so sorry

 

hi all...I need support today...with all thehealth anxiety I am now in the mother of all fear/panic waves. The funny thing is I don't even think I am going to have a heart attack anymore.  This fear has now just taken on a life of its own.  I woke up at 5am and it has been adrenaline rush and fear non stop.  I came into work but I am sitting here trying to type I am having trouble even typing.  Please tell me this ends.  I know it does but boy oh boy is this process hard. Sorry for being so needy.

 

Hi Drew,

(((Hugs))) It gets better. I know you know this, but it's hard to remember in the middle of a wave. You are simply having a temporary chemical storm in your body right now. I use the word "simply" not to negate how terrible it feels, but to illustrate that is all it is. Nothing more. It will go away.

How do you do with taking vitamin C? That helps me tremendously when I get those awful waves of fear and anxiety. It gets rid of the extra cortisol rushing through your body.

 

Hang in there, my friend. It DOES get better, I PROMISE you! 

 

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

The storm has resided a bit.  I made it for now   Just very uncomfortable which is non crisis feeling. 

 

Healing...Vit C adds distress to my tummy.  I did take a very small dose of propronal at 5am when I knew I was in for a doozy but it didn't help too much.  I take less than they say I should and only use it maybe once a month when these situations arise.  Thanks for the help and I am sure I have a few more storms ahead during this wave. 

 

On the positive side I didn't fight the feeling or give in to it.  I just came to work and said I will feel different very soon just kept going.     

[[He...]]

The storm has resided a bit.  I made it for now   Just very uncomfortable which is non crisis feeling. 

 

Healing...Vit C adds distress to my tummy.  I did take a very small dose of propronal at 5am when I knew I was in for a doozy but it didn't help too much.  I take less than they say I should and only use it maybe once a month when these situations arise.  Thanks for the help and I am sure I have a few more storms ahead during this wave. 

 

On the positive side I didn't fight the feeling or give in to it.  I just came to work and said I will feel different very soon just kept going.   

 

This is BIG, Drew!! 

 

[[dr...]]

HH-it's a fine balance that I tangle with when I get hit.  Do we push ourselves even though it is a chemical storm?  Sometimes I do and other times I just stay in.  every bone in my body told me to stay in bed and just ride it out.  I didn't have to work today but I figured my goal was to shower, drive to the office, and work one hour.  It was so crazy hard but I preach to everyone else to pass the time in 30 minute blocks so I didn't want to be a hypocrite   I have now been here 2 hours

[[mr...]]

HH-it's a fine balance that I tangle with when I get hit.  Do we push ourselves even though it is a chemical storm?  Sometimes I do and other times I just stay in.  every bone in my body told me to stay in bed and just ride it out.  I didn't have to work today but I figured my goal was to shower, drive to the office, and work one hour. It was so crazy hard but I preach to everyone else to pass the time in 30 minute blocks so I didn't want to be a hypocrite   I have now been here 2 hours

 

Its this stuff, drew -- you keep me inspired and motivated to push through and move forward. Thanks for that, buddy.

 

You are awesome! 

 

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

Thinking of you Drew!

[[Fi...]]

I admire you, Drew.  I, too, debate whether to push myself or not.  Mostly I've chosen not, since I don't have to.  I try to talk to myself and say I'll just SEE IF I CAN MAKE A LITTLE PROGRESS ON THIS OR THAT.  That way, it's experimental.  If I doesn't work out, I can quit.  Of course this approach does limit itself to things around the house and farm that I CAN quit if I'm not well.  I'm still reluctant to make commitments to other people.  I guess that's the thing--I just hated being the flake who couldn't show up consistently and I got tired of having to explain myself and apologize.

[[No...]]

I have only ridden a horse once in my life ... and it was quite unpleasant ... don't mind talking to them, walking with them, feeding them, or cleaning up after them, just not going to ride them ...

 

Okay, what's the old fella way out east getting at now? ...

 

If the horse does not want to be ridden, it seems quite wise to get off, walk away, and let the horse settle down ... there are always other chores to do ... and when the horse settles down, it will come back around and look for some attention ...

 

This may be a bit of a stretch ... and ... our bodies are often like that horse ... it has horse things to do ... and being ridden right now just isn't one of them ...

 

I have a card from an old pen pal from the Caucus region ... the card shows a young man standing on the back of a horse, which is galloping across the Steppes, the young man is reading a newspaper ... maybe you have seen it ... it is not uncommon ...

 

When we are healed, we will be riding that horse, if we chose, with or without a newspaper ...

 

For now, it is probably best to let the horse be itself and find another chore to do ... when the horse is in a "better mood" it will come back around to be fondled, fed, groomed, loved ...

 

[[No...]]

Well ... 14 months off today ... still living with this cold ... waxes and wanes just like a wave ... and there are waxing and waning waves in the background ...

 

Nothing for it but to keep moving towards the "finish line" ...

 

That's what we do ... give ourselves enough time to be "finished" ...

 

Be well, Folks ...

 

Michael

 

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Tuesday, Dec. 23

 

In the silence of listening, you can know yourself in everyone, the unseen singing softly to itself and to you.

 

Rachel Naomi Remen

 

[[dr...]]

Happy 14 months Nova!  You are doing it. 

 

Well...I'm off the horse and now in my bed.  As I was leaving work I got hit again but not as intense as the morning.  Guess it's one of those days that I'll just accept the comfort of my bed.  I don't have much planned for the holiday and no work until Friday.  I have some downtime now.

[[No...]]

Sky ... Merry Christmas ...

 

And yes, that is one of the "tortures" of where we are now ... we "know" so much more ... and most of the time this knowledge is of no "use" in the moment ...

 

So, we "go slow" ... meandering through our "disorientation" until the next moment of clarity arrives ... be kind to yourself ... you are where you are right now, doing your "visiting" ... and that can be very hard work ... and remember, it is not "endless" ... you will get through these moments ...

 

Your steadfastness is a wonder to behold ... as are you ...

 

Michael