12-18 month support

[[je...]]

Beulah-- I get the ear pressure too, and yes I agree its all w/d.

Peace-- the burning and aching sound like benzo belly, but I've never had it with sweats.. I don't like going to a Dr unless I'm dying, so I would wait and see if it passes. It might just be a double whammy w/d sx.

Mommyr-- sorry your still dealing with all this, but the anxiety is normal even as far out as you are, and yes it comes on strong for no apparent reason. I had about a 5 month stretch of daily intense anxiety. I hope it dies down for you..

Sky-- I hear ya with the heat, its been 110 degrees and I'm very intolerant to the heat... It stinks.

Green-- thank you for telling me your dealing with this head cold crap too, it helps to know I'm not alone. And yes my POTS is really bad at the moment too, I had it even worse in tolerance, but still when I get bouts like this I get so lightheaded when I stand up-- its ridiculous..

Drew-- so sorry your getting slammed.. Your in that 14/15 month range when a lot of us went through hell. And yes, I so "get" the angry part, I'm feeling that way myself today. Drew, I'm so impressed that you've held down a job through all this, your quite tough-- I know I could not have done it. Stay strong.

[[Gr...]]

I'm just so flabbergasted that I can have three days of basically nonstop anxiety/fear/breathing issues. A day here or there...maybe two....benzo beast didn't get the memo I'm well passed acute stage.  Add in the other head stuff and I'm whooped right now.  This is the worst wave I think since month ten or so. 

I need relief or something.  This is so hard. I'm very upset.  Even though I know it will pass I have responsibilities that I must attend to. I know withdrawal doesn't care but I do. I've been reading Baylissas book and when she got crushed at 18 months or so she just stayed in bed and let the symptoms do what they do.  I'm trying that as much as possible. 

 

Sorry guys for bummer posts but you all know how it is.  I feel very high maintenance right now. 

 

Drew, when things get really bad, it's okay to take care of yourself.  do you have vacation time on the books?  sick time?  so far you really haven't taken any time off?  it will pass, for sure.  but I remember in the second year the waves started to feel longer.  not feel.  they waves were longer.  The name of the game is self care in the second year.  I know you are good with exercise and diet.  but self care where if you don't feel well, don't push yourself so hard.

 

It will pass.

[[Gr...]]

Beulah-- I get the ear pressure too, and yes I agree its all w/d.

Peace-- the burning and aching sound like benzo belly, but I've never had it with sweats.. I don't like going to a Dr unless I'm dying, so I would wait and see if it passes. It might just be a double whammy w/d sx.

Mommyr-- sorry your still dealing with all this, but the anxiety is normal even as far out as you are, and yes it comes on strong for no apparent reason. I had about a 5 month stretch of daily intense anxiety. I hope it dies down for you..

Sky-- I hear ya with the heat, its been 110 degrees and I'm very intolerant to the heat... It stinks.

Green-- thank you for telling me your dealing with this head cold crap too, it helps to know I'm not alone. And yes my POTS is really bad at the moment too, I had it even worse in tolerance, but still when I get bouts like this I get so lightheaded when I stand up-- its ridiculous..

Drew-- so sorry your getting slammed.. Your in that 14/15 month range when a lot of us went through hell. And yes, I so "get" the angry part, I'm feeling that way myself today. Drew, I'm so impressed that you've held down a job through all this, your quite tough-- I know I could not have done it. Stay strong.

 

Jenny, I know you've struggled with POTS in the past, as have I.  And, yes, it's ridiculous.  Every time I get up, I need to go back down.  I'm drinking an electrolyte replacement drink, and it's having no effect.  I was thinking about taking some supps, but my instinct is to ride it out.  Hope it doesn't last much longer,  it's been six days already.

 

Feel better!

[[No...]]

Drew ... when the sledding gets heavy one can always slow things down ... and some things may not get done right now ... "high maintenance" may signal where you are right now ... pushing may or may not be helpful ...

 

I have found the only useful expectation is to be where I am ... compassion and kindness seem to be more helpful than "wishing" ...

 

This too shall pass ... 

[[No...]]

Jenny ... so ... many of us seem to be having a hanging out day ... letting things be as they are and sloshing through the day ...

 

Another day in the books ... 

[[Se...]]

Does anybody else here have kids still living at home?  I find it so challenging to be doing this while the kids are still dependent on me.  I'm jealous of people who can do this alone.  Spouse is not much help.  Gosh, it's hard.  My 11 yr. old has meltdowns every other day due to mounting frustration and from living with all this ongoing familial dysfunction.  She probably thinks things will never get better, even though I try to assure her as much as possible that they will (while still not knowing the outcome myself.)  :'(

 

Today, I missed a phone call from one of daughter's friends.  I'd forgotten the friend called (memory sucks), so mentioned it to her a couple hrs. later so she could call friend back.  When she texted friend back, friend was already at her cottage (she'd called earlier to invite my daughter to her cottage for a swim.)  Daughter burst into tears and went into a rage, blaming me and calling me a complete loser and shitty mom.  I had to shut all the windows so the neighbors wouldn't call the police!  Oh, it was bad.  I broke down.  I just lost it.  Too, too much, on top of everything else.  Hard enough to do this all by oneself, let alone with kids.  So... I had to drive daughter to this cottage, which was 1/2 hour away, but we kept getting lost and going in circles because my cognition & sense of direction is so bad.  A/C broken in car, gas tank nearly empty, and I just about fainted from the heat.  Then, we watched in shock & horror as a truck in opposing lane smashed through a road sign on road's shoulder, then leveled a telephone pole.  Truck totaled.  The sight & sound was sickening.  We didn't stop because I was in shock, and I don't have a cell phone.  The truck behind the smashed truck stopped right away.  Daughter was bawling.  It was all like a nightmare, in slow motion.  I really hope the driver of that truck is ok; hope it wasn't a DUI; we could have both been killed.  I think I am done for the day.  Cooked.  Well done.

 

Impossible to believe at times like this that things will ever get better.  It seems I keep attracting only negative things.  I am so confused right now.

 

Thanks for listening, guys.  :'(

[[je...]]

SN,

Yes I have a 6 and 7 year old, and it is very challenging. I've been sick the entire life of my 6 year old, he doesn't even know what having a healthy mom is. The worst part for me is I became a mom to enjoy raising my kids, and make memories. 90% of the time I'm just going through the motions, but not enjoying my life or time with my kids. My memory is so bad, that I have no memories of even raising my kids, the last 6 years have been one big blur. It's tough..

[[Fi...]]

Wow.  Serenity, what a story.  Great job of dramatizing what it's like trying to function during withdrawal.  I really feel for you.  My kids are grown and I have so often wondered how I would have fared if I'd been trying to do this while being their primary caregiver.  Would I have risen to the occasion and found them a distraction?  Actually, I doubt it.  I went through a bad depression when I was around thirty and had to take care of my two-year-old.  I look back and feel kind of proud of myself that I did as well as I did, one time taking him on a special train ride on my own.  But much of the time I was in a fog and feel I kind of missed a certain party of his childhood.  He says he doesn't remember anything being amiss, so I guess I faked it okay, but it was HARD.  Now we take care of HIS little boy each morning, but my husband has taken on the primary responsibility and there've been times when I've had to tell him to just keep the baby away from me because I do not want the way I am to be anywhere implanted in his brand new little brain.

 

Everybody has their own set of circumstances.  I guess I'd say that an 11-year-old daughter is pretty rough.  Old enough to start heading into teen angst and yet light years away from being able to offer support to you.  I think teen daughters tend to hate us there for a few years no matter what is going on! :D   I know mine did!

 

All you can do is hang in there and try to fake holding it together as best you can.

[[Se...]]

SN,

Yes I have a 6 and 7 year old, and it is very challenging. I've been sick the entire life of my 6 year old, he doesn't even know what having a healthy mom is. The worst part for me is I became a mom to enjoy raising my kids, and make memories. 90% of the time I'm just going through the motions, but not enjoying my life or time with my kids. My memory is so bad, that I have no memories of even raising my kids, the last 6 years have been one big blur. It's tough..

 

Jenny, I'm so sorry.    I know exactly what you mean.  Going through the motions.  It makes me weep at times.  My heart aches to be a present & engaged mom as I once was, to feel what other moms do when interacting and sharing memories with their kids who are growing up so quickly.  I can only hope & pray that I'll come back fully from this and make up for lost time.  I wish it for both of us, Jenny.

[[Se...]]

FJ - Yes.  Faking it.  Some times I can even manage to do that... 

 

What other alternative is there.  None.

[[Sk...]]

Does anybody else here have kids still living at home?  I find it so challenging to be doing this while the kids are still dependent on me.  I'm jealous of people who can do this alone.  Spouse is not much help.  Gosh, it's hard.  My 11 yr. old has meltdowns every other day due to mounting frustration and from living with all this ongoing familial dysfunction.  She probably thinks things will never get better, even though I try to assure her as much as possible that they will (while still not knowing the outcome myself.)  :'(

 

Today, I missed a phone call from one of daughter's friends.  I'd forgotten the friend called (memory sucks), so mentioned it to her a couple hrs. later so she could call friend back.  When she texted friend back, friend was already at her cottage (she'd called earlier to invite my daughter to her cottage for a swim.)  Daughter burst into tears and went into a rage, blaming me and calling me a complete loser and shitty mom.  I had to shut all the windows so the neighbors wouldn't call the police!  Oh, it was bad.  I broke down.  I just lost it.  Too, too much, on top of everything else.  Hard enough to do this all by oneself, let alone with kids.  So... I had to drive daughter to this cottage, which was 1/2 hour away, but we kept getting lost and going in circles because my cognition & sense of direction is so bad.  A/C broken in car, gas tank nearly empty, and I just about fainted from the heat.  Then, we watched in shock & horror as a truck in opposing lane smashed through a road sign on road's shoulder, then leveled a telephone pole.  Truck totaled.  The sight & sound was sickening.  We didn't stop because I was in shock, and I don't have a cell phone.  The truck behind the smashed truck stopped right away.  Daughter was bawling.  It was all like a nightmare, in slow motion.  I really hope the driver of that truck is ok; hope it wasn't a DUI; we could have both been killed.  I think I am done for the day.  Cooked.  Well done.

 

Impossible to believe at times like this that things will ever get better.  It seems I keep attracting only negative things.  I am so confused right now.

 

Thanks for listening, guys.  :'(

 

Serenity, so sorry, what an AWFUL experience.

 

There is no way you could have predicted what happened today. Just be very kind on yourself today, for the rest of the day.

 

I am worried this might revv up your symptoms on top of everything else.

 

Things will get better, just maybe can you avoid driving for a while ?

 

And I know this sounds crazy, but I alwasy go around with a block note at all times. A real paper note book in which I take note of any info I might need for future reference with drawings and markers to highlight priorities. It has helped so much, no matter how neurotic it appears from the outside. My memory and cognitive abilities are that bad, I really can't trust myself without is. Do you think it might help you ?

 

You could just use it for things like your daughters phone calls.

 

Hang in there, you are doing the best you can, given the circumstances, and that is a lot. 

[[Se...]]

 

Serenity, so sorry, what an AWFUL experience.

 

There is no way you could have predicted what happened today. Just be very kind on yourself today, for the rest of the day.

 

I am worried this might revv up your symptoms on top of everything else.

 

Things will get better, just maybe can you avoid driving for a while ?

 

And I know this sounds crazy, but I alwasy go around with a block note at all times. A real paper note book in which I take note of any info I might need for future reference with drawings and markers to highlight priorities. It has helped so much, no matter how neurotic it appears from the outside. My memory and cognitive abilities are that bad, I really can't trust myself without is. Do you think it might help you ?

 

You could just use it for things like your daughters phone calls.

 

Hang in there, you are doing the best you can, given the circumstances, and that is a lot. 

 

Thank you, Sky.  I'm taking it easy, yes.  Made hubby take daughter to her horse riding tonight.  I couldn't do it.  He wasn't happy about it, but too bad.  I'm not the only parent in this family.

 

Your notebook idea is great.  Actually, I keep one on the kitchen counter and refer to it daily, as well as a big wall calendar that I mark up with everything.  Like you, I'd not remember most things without these items.  They are essential. 

 

So many of us have compromised memory & cognition.  Does it ever improve, I wonder?

[[Si...]]

Wow sorry everyone is getting crushed right now. I slept a few hours last night. We had crazy storms with thunder that shook our windows. My wife of course fell asleep within about 5 minutes even with all that going on, LOL! It took me considerably longer to fall asleep. I woke up sometime in the night. Not sure what time it was, but it was still pitch dark outside. I resisted the urged to look at the clock. Fell back asleep sometime. Not sure how much later. Then of course my alarm goes off. A bit groggy today, but way better than 0 sleep. My day at work flew by somehow. I did have a doctors appt. with a new GP. He did the regular physical work up. Thought it was a good idea to test for thyroid problems since it's very prevelant in my immediate family. Will have to wait for results.

 

Drew hope you're crud passes soon! I know it's tough dealing with this while having to work.

[[Fi...]]

Serenity--yes, your cognition will improve.  May I offer a bit of cognitive therapy?  That is, changing the way you think about things?  My rule for my life that I have to keep teaching myself over and over is this:  never waste your envy.  You have your story; you don't really know what's going on with other people.  It's not productive to compare your current state of misery to the idealized version you have of the other mothers you mention.  You don't know what they have going on now and you don't know what may be visited upon them down the road.  You drew this card and it's a bitch, but your prognosis is good.  You will be well eventually as long as you don't re-instate, no matter what degree you manage to fake.

 

But hey, what's with your husband?  I agree, he's not the only parent.  How does he manage to be annoyed at doing horse class duty?

[[dr...]]

Hi all... Thx for the kind words and support. 

 

-while I thought I was surrendering this week to the symptoms I wasn't. I did feel I was by taking a day off but that day turned out okay. It's the next ones that got me. My parents are here and while they ask nothing of me, I kept trying to push through things.  Even if it's making a big dinner which I usually love but can't handle right now.  Tonight we are ordering in.  I also contacted one of my work partners and explained what's going on if I don't seem myself or miss a day or two this week. I'm not thinking of all the catastrophic scenarios of me not being able to work, function, etc.. I've pulled out strong every time.

 

  It is such a fine line of pushing oneself so you don't feel the beast will win. Yet, by pushing through this time the beast won anyway. Time for me to do a tactical retreat.  I'm in my bath now

[[pe...]]

Coop!

The urgent care doctor said reflux and wants me to try malox. I declined.  He also told me to follow up with my primary doctor tomorrow. Anything natural help anyone's reflux?

 

Is reflux a benzo thing?

 

Peace2

[[No...]]

Drew ... perhaps not a retreat ... how about a tactical pause ...

 

We don't seem to go backwards ... although it may feel like it ... sometimes we just use the pause button ...

 

Hope your evening settles down a bit ... 

[[No...]]

Peace ... I have had good luck with an otc acid reducer ... Ranitidine  150 mg ... when my teas do not seem to be helping and I need some relief ...

 

I use a ginger tea which is often helpful ... also some folks use a peppermint tea, does nothing for me ...

 

And there seems to be a predilection for mashed potatoes around here of late ... 

[[je...]]

Peace,

Reflux is a w/d thing, and I see so many people getting on stuff when in reality its just like every other sx-- you just need to ride it out. Adding more meds IMO just makes everything worse. Probiotics help me sometimes with my benzo belly, and other times it doesn't help at all. A good natural thing to try is Bragg's apple cider vinegar ( it needs to have the "mother" in it) about a tbs mixed with water and honey, it helps a lot and its all natural. Keep us posted, I hope you feel better soon 

[[mr...]]

Hiya gang,

 

I am 8 months free from benzos today ~ whoa!  I almost missed it, actually!  

 

I find myself still healing (like many of us!).  The "fear" continues to peel away, losing frequency and intensity more and more as time passes, in the usual ebb-and-flow pattern we experience.  The remaining others (anxiety, mild tachycardia, mild dp/dr, cog-fog, dizziness, mild infrequent headaches, etc) also continue this "peeling away" pattern as well. I find that I no longer experience "windows" and "waves", but more of a general pattern of gradually (slowly?) getting better and better as more time passes.  I think that this lack of window/wave experience can create a deceptive impression that "this is as good as it gets" or may tempt to ask the question "is this just me" or "is this as good as it gets".  But we should not be fooled by this deception ~ it is only the perception we experience from the slow unfolding and ebb/flow patterns of a healing brain. 

 

The "fears" I developed in withdrawal continue to waver and diminish ~ partly from diligently working on facing them, and partly due to the passage of time and more healing occurring.  Both elements (me working on things, and me "not" working on things I don't control) do seem to make a difference, for me personally.  I do still find myself with a response to things my body reads as "stimuli" ~ both the 'good' and 'non-good' kinds of stimuli.  I do experience what appears as a random "intense" slap of symptoms from time to time over the past couple months, and I see where people use the term "acute" to describe it.  Intuitively, I know that it is not truly like acute at all, but that I merely have the perception of this type of intensity because of the stark contrast between my normal day-to-day medium and this brief "intense slap".  The "response" my body/mind has at times becoming more manageable all the time, and I find solace in controlling my response to the "response".  'Controlling my response to the response' means, to me, keeping focused on the positive, keeping faith in healing, and saying a collective "no thank you" to fear.  Overall, I am very grateful and amazed at how far I've come, and am looking forward to the remainder of healing manifesting in the next couple months.

 

I hope this helps display accurately how I am feeling today!  I do many things that I temporarily "delayed" doing while I was in the midst of taper and post-withdrawal, such as travel, hang with friends, work a part-time "fun" job outside of my full-time job, babysit, exercise longer, spend time in heat outside (summer months), and on and on!  Things truly do continue to get better and better, friends.  We are healing, everyday in every way!  Getting closer all the time (thank God)!!

 

Take care buddies, I hope this helps you a little to know where I'm at

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

Mrs ... good to hear you are doing well ... we just keep going and all this messy stuff will clear up eventually ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[je...]]

Hi Mrs!

I really relate to your feeling of " is this as good as it gets" I've had those thoughts so many times. I've gone through periods of no real waves or windows, but just steady healing and its very hard at times to figure out what's what... You sound really good! Jenny

[[be...]]

Coop!

The urgent care doctor said reflux and wants me to try malox. I declined.  He also told me to follow up with my primary doctor tomorrow. Anything natural help anyone's reflux?

 

Is reflux a benzo thing?

 

 

Peace2

 

Yes, reflux is a benzo thing..but also a real life thing. I use Tums or rolaids and they seem to help.

Might want to look into eating a low acid diet till this clears up.

Yep, mashed potatoes are my best friend through all of this.

If I keep food on my stomach it keeps the acid down.

If your not hungry in the mornings just try getting some toast or crackers in your belly till you can eat..it helps absorb the acid.

Citric fruit and juices can worsen it..also tomatoes.

 

Hope you feel better.

[[Gr...]]

Peace ... I have had good luck with an otc acid reducer ... Ranitidine  150 mg ... when my teas do not seem to be helping and I need some relief ...

 

I use a ginger tea which is often helpful ... also some folks use a peppermint tea, does nothing for me ...

 

And there seems to be a predilection for mashed potatoes around here of late ...

 

Peace,

I use OTC Nexium.  I've had reflux since a year after I started taking benzos.  I know you don't like to take anything, but it's important not to let the reflux get out of control.  When I was sick with reflux, I had bad gut pain, and pebbly-you know-whats/alternating diarrhea.  I think it's all  benzo related for sure.  Good luck

 

p.s.  a short term otc ppi?

[[Gr...]]

[move]HAPPY 8 MONTHS MRS.!

[/move]