12-18 month support

[[Si...]]

Siggy.  I didn't follow the entire conversation comparing benzo sites.  But I am glad you post here with us and I am glad orion is still going forward.  Wishing you sleep.  Sleep sleep the elusive healing escape.  I am back to waking up each morning at 4 instead of 6/630.  I hate it.  Hoping for better..  coop

 

Thanks as always Coop! The sleep issues are 100% my worst symptom. If that went away, I'd feel nearly healed actually. Some of the other things I'm dealing with are directly related to the not sleeping. The depression would disappear if I were sleeping better. I'd still have some other s/x, but most of those are probably not nearly as bad as everyone else here. My anxiety mostly comes from not sleeping. So that would reduce greatly if I could just sleep better. I'm sure it's a vicious circle though of anxious about sleep so I don't, and then back again. I use to relax very easily at bed time as I'd just daydream until I drifted off. No matter how much I daydream while trying to sleep now, it doesn't work anymore. 

 

Hope you can start eating some foods you like soon. I've mostly restricted myself on the food and drink front too. Almost no sweets or junk food for about 5 months now. I did eat pizza and buffalo chicken poppers last night. Back to the brown rice, salmon and green beans for lunch today. You'll get there one day to eat what you want again. 

[[dr...]]

Hi all...wishing a good nights' sleep to everyone!

 

well...I did very well with my performance last night even with migraine symptoms.  It seems the day after my anxiety is very low but my brain is totally cog fogged.  I got up on stage and blanked on simple introductions twice!  Feel like Alzheimer's or dementia   At 46?  I know it isn't and I have no health fear over it just feel dumb.

 

Today I am back to getting my weird brain and then surges on schedule at around 11am.  It is amazing how we think we have it licked until they hit and it's the same ol same ol....I did not change my schedule around and did my work stuff even though I wanted to run home.  I know within an hour it will pass.    It just pulls my confidence rug out form under me after having it sky high after performance.  I did keep saying a mantra of "This is necessary to heal" over and over.  I know this isn't preexisting condition anxiety and I can roll with it for now.  Just not happy about wave that has been with me again for over a week.

 

My folks are visiting for the weekend.  Should be a nice break and they are the most supportive of me in this endeavor.

 

As I finish this post the yucky surge is fading.

 

[[Sk...]]

Hi buddies.  Just checking in to catch up with everyone. ...

....I have been up and down and around the past few days, but it seems to be leveling off....I have been so busy with my daughter as her wedding is 2 weeks away.  It has been a great distraction and I have had to push myself just enough. The mornings have been consistently difficult with either benzo flu and/or anxiety /health fear. I get up feeling like I can't do anything ,but having made promises to my daughter I go anyway. It pans out to inevitably not feeling worse, not dying and usually feeling better.

.  The belly pain seems to be gradually improving. The Gaviscon turned on me and started making me feel worse with headaches and terrible trips to the loo. So I did what I said I wouldnt.  I googled it. It does not come without side effects ( surprise surprise)  I decided to go off and see if I could manage without. Peace sent me some great alternative remedies that I am trying ..  and accepting that for right now there will not be any 'fun with food'  Small loss considering the last 20 months, although I freely admit to missing the things I love like coffee in the morning and a potato chip from time to time.  I see the oncologist next week for follow up and I do not want to hear the words 'scope' or 'scan'.  So banana/cocanut, yogurt smoothies .  mashed potatoes and plain toast .. ( I am not thinking that I have had any recurrence of cancer. I am seeing the oncologist as she followed up on the reflux at my yearly check up so she will continue to follow the reflux...).

.....I truly believe that if not for the health issues and health fears I would be very consistently at 80%....and some days 90%  with some windows and effortless mind sunbreaks.

.....I had a great time with my grandsons when they came to swim.  I was tired at the end of the day, but having said that my stamina is improving.

....I am sure that I will not heal in that magic month 24, but I am very confident that I will be done in the third year and I can accept that. As much as I want to be done, I am realizing that it is all life.. the good days ...the bad days.  and I am trying to live the best I can each day without timelines...

.....It's been a busy week so today I am just puttering at home with the dog.  ...and trying to catch up on the posts.  Wishing everyone a day of sunbreaks and encouragement. ..  coop.

 

Puttering around the house with your dog sounds just great,  and you sound rather well too, even though you still have so many health fears.

 

Coop, I too and starting to think that month 24 is not going to be my magical month.

 

But that is not bad, it does not mean that I will be in the agony of acute, or the first year. I believe this, because I don't think my brain can heal by then.

 

Everybody tells me, I sound fine, and I know what they mean. Like when I tell you, you sound great. You do of course, but there are still  so many unsolved problems, right ?

 

I had some accidents in the last days, very embarassing accidents, that were due to my cog fog. At 20 months, I just think it might take my brain a little longer.

 

But I can bear the thought today.

 

Funny that you were thinking the same thing.

 

Nice seeing you back, Coop !

[[Sk...]]

Sky..  Are you in a good day?.  The feeling of being whacked in your sleep has to be wierd .  Poor Mr. Sky for being suspect.  How is the house search?.. I am sure that I have missed your last post, but I just wanted to catch up with you . Wishing you sunbreaks and a chance to get out on your break and go 'beauty hunting'.    coop

 

 

Really ? It scares me a little, because it reminds me of the madness of tolerance and acute.

 

I can accept some aspects of healing might take more than 24 months, but this is something I want healed now !

 

In tolerance, mr Sky would hear me walk all night long, and I would not remember any of it and I believed he was putting me on. And somehow, in all that, I fell and ruptured my appendix and did not feel anything. I just had these bruises all over my body.

 

Who could have imagined ? I was actually quite lucky. And when my appendix was ruptured, I did not feel any pain whatsoever. And that was so dangerous, I only went to the hospital at the very end.

 

My doctors when they  operated on me, said if I had waited any longer, I would not have survived.

 

That poison, that's what it is, was not letting me feel any pain ? How sick is that ?

 

Ok, I am stopping my whining. Mr Sky has just made some ice cream, let's see how it has come out ! 

 

[[dr...]]

Ugh...parents are visiting and I'm nauseous as hell. Have no appetite and then I get ravenous.  I hate this. Lots of sweating too.

[[He...]]

Ugh...parents are visiting and I'm nauseous as hell. Have no appetite and then I get ravenous.  I hate this. Lots of sweating too.

 

Hang in there, Drew.  You've got this!  Are they there for a few days or is it just this evening? 

[[He...]]

Hi buddies.  Just checking in to catch up with everyone. ...

....I have been up and down and around the past few days, but it seems to be leveling off....I have been so busy with my daughter as her wedding is 2 weeks away.  It has been a great distraction and I have had to push myself just enough. The mornings have been consistently difficult with either benzo flu and/or anxiety /health fear. I get up feeling like I can't do anything ,but having made promises to my daughter I go anyway. It pans out to inevitably not feeling worse, not dying and usually feeling better.

.  The belly pain seems to be gradually improving. The Gaviscon turned on me and started making me feel worse with headaches and terrible trips to the loo. So I did what I said I wouldnt.  I googled it. It does not come without side effects ( surprise surprise)  I decided to go off and see if I could manage without. Peace sent me some great alternative remedies that I am trying ..  and accepting that for right now there will not be any 'fun with food'  Small loss considering the last 20 months, although I freely admit to missing the things I love like coffee in the morning and a potato chip from time to time.  I see the oncologist next week for follow up and I do not want to hear the words 'scope' or 'scan'.  So banana/cocanut, yogurt smoothies .  mashed potatoes and plain toast .. ( I am not thinking that I have had any recurrence of cancer. I am seeing the oncologist as she followed up on the reflux at my yearly check up so she will continue to follow the reflux...).

.....I truly believe that if not for the health issues and health fears I would be very consistently at 80%....and some days 90%  with some windows and effortless mind sunbreaks.

.....I had a great time with my grandsons when they came to swim.  I was tired at the end of the day, but having said that my stamina is improving.

....I am sure that I will not heal in that magic month 24, but I am very confident that I will be done in the third year and I can accept that. As much as I want to be done, I am realizing that it is all life.. the good days ...the bad days.  and I am trying to live the best I can each day without timelines...

.....It's been a busy week so today I am just puttering at home with the dog.  ...and trying to catch up on the posts.  Wishing everyone a day of sunbreaks and encouragement. ..  coop.

 

Coop, you are sounding so good!  You really are close, despite the health fears.  Those will go away also, and I believe that they will start fading fairly quickly.  I can't wait to hear about your daughter's wedding.  What a special time for the two of you! 

Big hugs and celebration for you!!  Things are getting better and better. 

[[dr...]]

Ugh...parents are visiting and I'm nauseous as hell. Have no appetite and then I get ravenous.  I hate this. Lots of sweating too.

 

Hang in there, Drew.  You've got this!  Are they there for a few days or is it just this evening?

 

They're here for a few days.  They are great.  It's the damn neural storm from the migraine aura stuff.  I am sitting in jacuzzi bath to distract me because my "crazy thoughts'" just came swirling into my head.  Happens each time and I know the pattern but it doesn't make it much easier.  They are starting to pass.  These migraine things are present in waves and I never had these thoughts or feelings with the migraine stuff before jumping.  My mom says "please just don't kill me...I'm a good person"    they're just a dark foreboding thought. The "dreadsies" as nova called them.

 

Hope your still doung well. 

[[He...]]

Hi guys,

I guess that last 2% of being healed leaves enough of a window open for a wave to roll in.  I'm in the middle of one now, though it isn't too bad.  I'm sure it is caused by stress as we are moving into a more permanent home, leaving the short-term rental we have been in since March.  Tomorrow is the day we need to be out and there is still quite a bit to be done.  I have started my masters classes back up, so it's back to the routine of writing papers every week.  I have a large one due on Sunday.  Oh yeah, also started my period.......I guess it's the trifecta of probable causes for a wave to come back. HOWEVER, my wave isn't anything compared to the waves of the past.  I always can tell that it's withdrawal related when it feels like I would imagine fibromyalgia would feel like...nerve/body pain.  The tell-tale squeezes have returned, along with some health anxiety.  Blah.  Here I am, 10 days past the 2 year mark and in a wave.  So, for those of you who don't think you'll quite be done at 24 months, it's OK....I'm not quite done, either, but I'm really good 98% of the time.   

 

I do realize that the uncertainty in my life right now would suck for anyone, let alone one with a still somewhat sensitive nervous system. 

 

Love to you all and wishing you all quick healing!

HH

[[He...]]

Ugh...parents are visiting and I'm nauseous as hell. Have no appetite and then I get ravenous.  I hate this. Lots of sweating too.

 

Hang in there, Drew.  You've got this!  Are they there for a few days or is it just this evening?

 

They're here for a few days.  They are great.  It's the damn neural storm from the migraine aura stuff.  I am sitting in jacuzzi bath to distract me because my "crazy thoughts'" just came swirling into my head.  Happens each time and I know the pattern but it doesn't make it much easier.  They are starting to pass.  These migraine things are present in waves and I never had these thoughts or feelings with the migraine stuff before jumping.  My mom says "please just don't kill me...I'm a good person"    they're just a dark foreboding thought. The "dreadsies" as nova called them.

 

Hope your still doung well. 

 

:laugh: Always good not to kill the 'rents!  :laugh: I'm glad the crap is starting to pass.  The dreadsies suck....as does it all. 

I'm sure you'll have some good times with your folks while they are visiting.  It's always somewhat stressful having house guests, though.  I'm doing good, but my impending move (tomorrow) has been causing me some angst.  It will be positive, but moving still sucks.

Big hugs!

[[Co...]]

Hi buddies.  Just checking in to catch up with everyone. ...

....I have been up and down and around the past few days, but it seems to be leveling off....I have been so busy with my daughter as her wedding is 2 weeks away.  It has been a great distraction and I have had to push myself just enough. The mornings have been consistently difficult with either benzo flu and/or anxiety /health fear. I get up feeling like I can't do anything ,but having made promises to my daughter I go anyway. It pans out to inevitably not feeling worse, not dying and usually feeling better.

.  The belly pain seems to be gradually improving. The Gaviscon turned on me and started making me feel worse with headaches and terrible trips to the loo. So I did what I said I wouldnt.  I googled it. It does not come without side effects ( surprise surprise)  I decided to go off and see if I could manage without. Peace sent me some great alternative remedies that I am trying ..  and accepting that for right now there will not be any 'fun with food'  Small loss considering the last 20 months, although I freely admit to missing the things I love like coffee in the morning and a potato chip from time to time.  I see the oncologist next week for follow up and I do not want to hear the words 'scope' or 'scan'.  So banana/cocanut, yogurt smoothies .  mashed potatoes and plain toast .. ( I am not thinking that I have had any recurrence of cancer. I am seeing the oncologist as she followed up on the reflux at my yearly check up so she will continue to follow the reflux...).

.....I truly believe that if not for the health issues and health fears I would be very consistently at 80%....and some days 90%  with some windows and effortless mind sunbreaks.

.....I had a great time with my grandsons when they came to swim.  I was tired at the end of the day, but having said that my stamina is improving.

....I am sure that I will not heal in that magic month 24, but I am very confident that I will be done in the third year and I can accept that. As much as I want to be done, I am realizing that it is all life.. the good days ...the bad days.  and I am trying to live the best I can each day without timelines...

.....It's been a busy week so today I am just puttering at home with the dog.  ...and trying to catch up on the posts.  Wishing everyone a day of sunbreaks and encouragement. ..  coop.

 

Coop, you are sounding so good!  You really are close, despite the health fears.  Those will go away also, and I believe that they will start fading fairly quickly.  I can't wait to hear about your daughter's wedding.  What a special time for the two of you! 

Big hugs and celebration for you!!  Things are getting better and better. 

 

....HH.  Thank you so much for that encouragement! .  So caring of you to to take the time to post that to me. ...Today was a little rebound wave. ...even a moderate panic, but I weathered it pretty good. Benzo can't bully me anymore....I have been around that block too many times. I hope the health fears do let up. This year has been all about physical sx....that in turn trigger all my health fear.. 

....I am looking forward to my daughter's wedding.  We are having a good time with all the w horahrah that goes along with it. 

......You have no idea how many times I read your success story...lol....it literally keeps me going HH....that and all the buddies on this thread who are experiencing all the same stuff.. .and making good progress despite sx.

    Love to you dear friend. You deserve every moment of your renewed life and thank you so very much for coming back from time to time to give us hope.....coop

[[Co...]]

Ugh...parents are visiting and I'm nauseous as hell. Have no appetite and then I get ravenous.  I hate this. Lots of sweating too.

 

Hang in there, Drew.  You've got this!  Are they there for a few days or is it ju

 

st this evening?

 

.....So sorry Drew, Will you be able to steal moments away to breathe and do your healing mantras?....or is it beyond that? ....Is it the pressure of having company or that the company is coming at the tail end of a tough week with not enough time in between to get your feet on solid ground again?.  Are your parents supportive of your w/d?.  I hope once they get there and get settled your sx will lighten up and you can enjoy the visit. Company , for me, is still a crap shoot......good luck....coop

[[Co...]]

Drew,...I missed your previous post.  Sounds like you are goid with supportive family. I understand the dreadsies.  Every time I get a physical sx all the horrible catastrophic thoughts flooding in..  Doesn't make any difference how many times I have been through it, each time feels just like the first and my best defense is just to survive. I also didn't have this before benzos. I believe HH when she says it goes away with healing.      Can't be soon enough.  ..I really hope your evening goes well.  coop

[[Co...]]

Hi guys,

I guess that last 2% of being healed leaves enough of a window open for a wave to roll in.  I'm in the middle of one now, though it isn't too bad.  I'm sure it is caused by stress as we are moving into a more permanent home, leaving the short-term rental we have been in since March.  Tomorrow is the day we need to be out and there is still quite a bit to be done.  I have started my masters classes back up, so it's back to the routine of writing papers every week.  I have a large one due on Sunday.  Oh yeah, also started my period.......I guess it's the trifecta of probable causes for a wave to come back. HOWEVER, my wave isn't anything compared to the waves of the past.  I always can tell that it's withdrawal related when it feels like I would imagine fibromyalgia would feel like...nerve/body pain.  The tell-tale squeezes have returned, along with some health anxiety.  Blah.  Here I am, 10 days past the 2 year mark and in a wave.  So, for those of you who don't think you'll quite be done at 24 months, it's OK....I'm not quite done, either, but I'm really good 98% of the time.   

 

I do realize that the uncertainty in my life right now would suck for anyone, let alone one with a still somewhat sensitive nervous system. 

 

Love to you all and wishing you all quick healing!

HH

 

.....HH....it's ok...you still have this.  You have a lot on your plate. The great thing is that you know it's going to let up pretty soon.  .Moving alone would stress anyone.  Considering your " trifecta", you are weathering it exactly like the healed buddie that you are.  Come back on for support ....there are soany of us who would be thrilled to circle around you..  coop

[[dr...]]

Hh-I missed your post of being of being in a wave.  Boo!!!

 

Coop-the dreadsies passed.  My brain is still very weird.  It's like super DR but clears a bit each day. This is the worst day in the pattern and I'm almost through it.  Those dreadsies are so scary. 

[[Co...]]

Hh-I missed your post of being of being in a wave.  Boo!!!

 

Coop-the dreadsies passed.  My brain is still very weird.  It's like super DR but clears a bit each day. This is the worst day in the pattern and I'm almost through it.  Those dreadsies are so scary.

 

....well...good...now your mom is safe....yes, the d/r...mine is deep and is part of whatever anxiety/panic wave I have going on...Won't it be great when our heads just behave like everyday heads instead of something that doesn't belong to us?....Enjoy your evening with your parents.....coop

[[Ko...]]

I maybe slept between 2-4 hours last night. Typical not able to fall asleep in bed, so went down to our couch. I'm not sure if it was the morning light coming in or the obnoxiously loud birds outside that woke me up around 5:30am. I guess at least I did sleep some and it wasn't a 0 night. I'm so ready to be done with this insomnia. Hope everyone else is doing ok this morning.

 

 

Hi Siggy,

I too suffer from insomnia. It's been especially bad recently where I was only getting maybe an hour or two in 24 hrs.  I was going to try Unisom like GreenIce is doing, but read about another method using Tryptophan. Tryptophan is an amino acid so I thought it might be better.  I took 2000 mg last night. I fell asleep 45 min after taking it, which is what is supposed to happen, but I woke 1/12 hrs later and couldn't go back to sleep.  You're supposed to take A time release 5 mg Melitonin when you go to bed. I didn't do that because I fell asleep to soon.  I'm going to try it again tonight.  I didn't get any hangover feeling from it & I did sleep more today.  It supposed to help if you're llow in Seritonin.

I don't know if I am, but something is clearly wrong with my brain if I can go for days and not sleep.

 

Hope you start to sleep soon. I think it's a key to our healing.

Korbe

 

[[Ko...]]

Hi 12-18 Buddies,

 

Think we should rename our group with so many of us now past 18 months.  I just wanted to say to all of you that I don't agree with you (Coop) saying you're not going to heal by 24 months. That's 3 to 4 months away and a lot can change in that time. So Im still hoping that I'll start to see improvement in a couple weeks at 21 months and begin getting better and better like so many have done before us.

We gotta keep the faith.

 

HH,

So sorry you're in a little wave. Seems that a lot of stress hit about the same time. I sure it will go away soon.  Keep posting when you can, you give me hope.

[[Gr...]]

I maybe slept between 2-4 hours last night. Typical not able to fall asleep in bed, so went down to our couch. I'm not sure if it was the morning light coming in or the obnoxiously loud birds outside that woke me up around 5:30am. I guess at least I did sleep some and it wasn't a 0 night. I'm so ready to be done with this insomnia. Hope everyone else is doing ok this morning.

 

 

Hi Siggy,

I too suffer from insomnia. It's been especially bad recently where I was only getting maybe an hour or two in 24 hrs.  I was going to try Unisom like GreenIce is doing, but read about another method using Tryptophan. Tryptophan is an amino acid so I thought it might be better.  I took 2000 mg last night. I fell asleep 45 min after taking it, which is what is supposed to happen, but I woke 1/12 hrs later and couldn't go back to sleep.  You're supposed to take A time release 5 mg Melitonin when you go to bed. I didn't do that because I fell asleep to soon.  I'm going to try it again tonight.  I didn't get any hangover feeling from it & I did sleep more today.  It supposed to help if you're llow in Seritonin.

I don't know if I am, but something is clearly wrong with my brain if I can go for days and not sleep.

 

Hope you start to sleep soon. I think it's a key to our healing.

Korbe

 

Korbe, I've been very, very cautious and conservative with supplements, don't even take vitamins. I was desperate to take the Unisom.  Good luck witht he tryptophan.

[[dr...]]

I took up to 3000mg trypto early on during my taper.  I decided I didn't want to be a supplement Guinea pig after my homeopathic dr also gave mr amino acids which increased glutamate.  I was also taking theanine.  Not sure if it helped or hindered.  I think I'm getting more migraines since stopping but I'm trying not to mess w anything in the brain.

 

 

On another note, I know it's not true but I feel like I'm stuck like this today.  Damn waves.

[[Gr...]]

I had a tough day today, fatigue, nausea, and I couldn't do too much, very little energy.  In spite of that, I feel better.

 

I'm just wondering, and I guess I'm directing this to Beulah, when do you declare yourself healed?  My mental status is very good.  That's when Baylissa said she was healed.  But I have days where I can't get out the door, still struggle with the energy for housework and everything else, still get nausea, the sweats, it's just not as bad or as long as it used to be.  still have nights where I don't close my eyes at all.  What is the standard for healed?

 

Beulah, the first time you healed, how did you know you were healed?  What went away and what was left when you decided you were healed?

And FJ and HH, maybe you guys could weigh in on that, too.  What made you think you were healed?

[[Gr...]]

I took up to 3000mg trypto early on during my taper.  I decided I didn't want to be a supplement Guinea pig after my homeopathic dr also gave mr amino acids which increased glutamate.  I was also taking theanine.  Not sure if it helped or hindered.  I think I'm getting more migraines since stopping but I'm trying not to mess w anything in the brain.

 

 

On another note, I know it's not true but I feel like I'm stuck like this today.  Damn waves.

 

Drew, you're doing very well in spite of what you're going through.  Believe me, this ends, I swear.  When you turn the corner, you will know.  Until then, blind faith, baby!  Healing happens!

[[Fi...]]

Green--you're healed when you're not thinking about it.  You wake up thinking about what you're going to DO, not how you FEEL.  You do not have to take a head to toe inventory.  I would guess that if you're asking this question, you're not there yet.  But you'll get there.

[[Gr...]]

Green--you're healed when you're not thinking about it.  You wake up thinking about what you're going to DO, not how you FEEL.  You do not have to take a head to toe inventory.  I would guess that if you're asking this question, you're not there yet.  But you'll get there.

 

TY!  My mind is there, my body didn't get the message yet!

[[Ko...]]

Hi GreenIce, the

 

I know what you mean about supplements. I really don't want to take anything, but I figured if my serititonin is low, then maybe that's why I can't sleep and the tryptophan would help me.  At least it didn't rev up my symptoms last night.  I'm gonna try it for a while. If it doesn't work then Ill go to Unisom. Insomnia is the reason I was prescribed a benzo in the first place. It started after menopause.

 

Sorry you got hit with a wave after your trip. It well get better. You were brave to go to Atlanta.  Sounds like you have mostly physical symptoms as do I. Mentally I'm ready to go, but my body just won't cooperate. Legs especially are weak with muscles cramping and just plain hurting for no reason.

Stinging lower legs and feet keep me awake.  Then of course the huge benzo belly hurts with its muscle squeezing thing. Finally, the boatiness is always there.  I keep thinking that if I could just sleep for 3 or 4 hours in a row that that would help my brain heal faster.

 

Hope you sleep tonight.