12-18 month support

[[dr...]]

Well...well...well...its visual aura time.  My first aura in over a month happened at my desk. Tried breathing through it but panic did set in. Got all shakey and scared.  I knew it would pass. It passed and my vision came back after twenty minutes.  I felt a "feeling" I get on Monday that this might have been coming.  Add in the head pain, that meeting brain freeze, stir it a bit....bake brain at 350 and in two days you get a migraine!  Took off rest of day and took Tylenol, aspirin, and caffeine.  Head feels weird w minor pain but this too shall pass.  I can also take tomorrow off if needed.

[[Si...]]

Well...well...well...its visual aura time.  My first aura in over a month happened at my desk. Tried breathing through it but panic did set in. Got all shakey and scared.  I knew it would pass. It passed and my vision came back after twenty minutes.  I felt a "feeling" I get on Monday that this might have been coming.  Add in the head pain, that meeting brain freeze, stir it a bit....bake brain at 350 and in two days you get a migraine!  Took off rest of day and took Tylenol, aspirin, and caffeine.  Head feels weird w minor pain but this too shall pass.  I can also take tomorrow off if needed.

 

Yep my head was killing me last night before going to bed. I was worried that not sleeping would make it worse (it usually does). I think the very brief half sleep stuff kind of help it not be as bad for today. What's weird is I have less s/x the day after I don't sleep. It's the days that I do sleep that the anxiety and depression show up. Most likely because I'm dreading the off night. Hope your issues subside soon drew! My wife rubs lavender oil on my temples and it helps with the head aches. Also doing some yoga stretches can help minimize the funk. Cold compress on the back of the neck is a good one too.

[[Si...]]

Thx green...brain freeze..lol  amazing how hard it is to describe how we feel until someone puts it down.  Yes...a very weird sensation that passes rather quickly but makes it difficult to ignore. 

 

Nova-hope you get a break and recharge

 

Coop-nice time yesterday for you.  yay!

 

Sigy-I know the sleep shuffle

 

I am doing okay this am. Thanks all for the support and chiming in yesterday.  You all know how helpful it is.  I took a 1/2 a unisom and it didn't do squat and I just was groggy this am.  Oh well...crapshoot.  I was just putting it all in perspective again this morning.  I am able to go through my day almost every day without feeling like I am dying.  I remember how bad I felt ALL the time.  The fear, constant adrenaline rushes, the panic,etc...  most of the time nowhere to be found.  This is key and I am trying to do it more and more is to concentrate on what is better not what is still wrong.  Hard to do but most of us probably are very hard on ourselves which puts us at risk for looking what is wrong instead of what is better.

 

 

 

Yeah, my wife is constantly telling me she sees the improvements I've had over the last 4 months since I got the flu that brought me to my knees. I don't see it much though. I still feel like I'm teetering all over the place. I don't even feel like it's two steps forward three back. It's more like two steps forward, .6875 step at a 35 degree angle, spin real fast til you puke, cut yourself in half and send one half to the fourth dimension! LOL 

 

Siggy, that's what mr Sky says to me too. I don't see it as much either, but we did not see the damage from the outside.

 

Brain freeze ? Mine is different, i get it with strong anxiety, I become incapable of taking any sany decision. I am literally a deer in the headlights.

 

Brain freeze is fine with me, it's 100 degrees here, so I would welcome any sort of cool ! 

 

Sorry for making a very bad joke, really needed to. 

 

I have been quite discouraged in these last two days.

 

my thought is that, faking it, can be a bad thing. If you fake too much, you forget you are sick, that is  good but can be bad, if you start comparing yourself to people who are not sick . Of course you get frustrated.

 

Speak soon, I am on the thread less. I am  avoiding the computer in general, it generates heat !!

 

Waiting for the temperature to go down. Should be tomorrow.

 

Heal on, everybody.

 

I liked the joke! Definitely keep cool.

 

I'm in part of the US that is not only really hot, but it's extremely humid too. You can walk outside and in 30 seconds be drenched with sweat.

[[Se...]]

Hi, folks.  Have been off boards for a bit.  Just reading back a little bit here.  Sorry that so many of us are still ill.    How do you guys do it, even further out than I?  Unfathomable.

 

My husband wants me off BB, too.  Says it's not good to be on it all the time.  He's right.  He took the laptop and hid it well, with my blessing.  Having a few days off was good.  Changing up the routine is good, no matter how limited the routine is still.  But I am sooooo weary of this process and want off this charging train, as we all do.  Enough is enough.  Unfortunately, I have little choice in the matter.  That's what so hard to comprehend.  It's so difficult to surrender to this process.  I wonder if I will ever be able to.  Does anybody here feel they've succeeded somewhat in their acceptance of this?  Because you probably know that acceptance is supposed to help immeasurably, and I'm 100% sure it does, if one can get there.

 

Heading out for a walk with hubby, who's growing more irate with me by the day.  This is very hard on him, too.  He's suffering from caregiver burnout.  Sending you all warm healing wishes.

 

Serenity 

[[Fi...]]

Serenity--this may have come up before, but have your read Renewal and Recovery?  And has your husband read the short section for caregivers?  Even though my husband had already started catching on when he read it, I think it really helped him to read in words that the way I was acting and feeling was just par for the course in benzo withdrawal.

 

I think I DID achieve a certain level of acceptance as this process went on.  Of course, that was always easier to claim on the days when I felt better and thought surely I was almost well anyway.  I definitely did get past the angry struggling against the whole thing that a lot of people here seem stuck with.  This is where we've landed, and there's no tribunal of fairness to give you a pass if you present evidence that you never signed up for this! . Always, in my darkest hours, I was extremely angry.

[[Se...]]

FJ, I've read R & R just about weekly for past number of months.  On one hand, I appreciate it, yet on the other, sometimes it bugs me, TBH.  I find her positivity almost impossible to comprehend, and can't identify with her enthusiasm or hopeful messages in the least when I'm this low.  Of course, she wrote it when she was recovered, so it makes sense she was in a positive headspace.

 

Again, today, I'm questioning if all of us truly do heal.  I think when people swear that we do, it's a lie, because all of us do not.  I think some people just eventually drop off the radar, or exit life.

 

That's just where I am today. 

[[dr...]]

Serenity, I have practiced and succeeding in using acceptance a lot more now.  It takes the pressure off.  I use the mantra"this is my normal for now" which takes away the expectations of feeling better.  i push forward when I can and pull back when I have to.  For example, my visual aura hit today. I know from my patterns I've learned tomorrow will be the most symptomatic day for me. I already took off work tomorrow.  No need to push through when I know it isn't something I can change.

 

Once in a while I get extra frustrated.  That day was yesterday and I rebound from it quicker than ever.

Hoping you get a break soon.

[[Se...]]

Serenity, I have practiced and succeeding in using acceptance a lot more now.  It takes the pressure off.  I use the mantra"this is my normal for now" which takes away the expectations of feeling better.  i push forward when I can and pull back when I have to.  For example, my visual aura hit today. I know from my patterns I've learned tomorrow will be the most symptomatic day for me. I already took off work tomorrow.  No need to push through when I know it isn't something I can change.

 

Once in a while I get extra frustrated.  That day was yesterday and I rebound from it quicker than ever.

Hoping you get a break soon.

 

"This is my normal for now".  It's good, drew.  Thanks.  I've been saying a lot of positive affirmations as well, although they tend to ring false for the most part.  You know what?  I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I felt lots better at month 3 & 4 than I do now.  I can't understand why this happens to so many people in w/d.  It's like, in order to heal, you have to regress continually?

 

It really seems you're on the home stretch.  Bet it won't be too much longer for you, esp. as you're rebounding more quickly.  Are most of your symptoms also less severe now?

[[dr...]]

Serenity-me close?    from your lips to gods ears.  I'm not even religious but I can use any help I can get. I'm better but far from healed.    When I look in totality from where I was in the first few months to now I've made great strides.  My day to day is definitely better.  The waves still suck but they do seem less bad now or maybe I just deal with them better. Not sure.  What choice do I have to be hopeful. 

 

Btw-I had a horrendous wave right about where you were.

[[be...]]

FJ, I've read R & R just about weekly for past number of months.  On one hand, I appreciate it, yet on the other, sometimes it bugs me, TBH.  I find her positivity almost impossible to comprehend, and can't identify with her enthusiasm or hopeful messages in the least when I'm this low.  Of course, she wrote it when she was recovered, so it makes sense she was in a positive headspace.

 

Again, today, I'm questioning if all of us truly do heal.  I think when people swear that we do, it's a lie, because all of us do not.  I think some people just eventually drop off the radar, or exit life.

 

That's just where I am today.

 

Serenity, I healed in my first withdrawal. I can see why you might doubt the healing..I think all of us have at one time or another. Because the suffering  and the healing are so long the little doubts and fears start dancing in our heads..benzo beast is working his magic.

 

Maybe some people do drop off the radar or exit life...because they never accepted the withdrawal nor hung in there. This isn't an easy thing to go through..but it's doable and we should never give up.

We do get better and we do heal...please believe it...let the doubts go.

 

I think your just in a bad place right now..maybe a bit wavy. When I'm wavy the negative thoughts try to consume me....I punch em in the face and show them who's boss.

 

Keep on healing...you got this!!!!

[[be...]]

Serenity, I have practiced and succeeding in using acceptance a lot more now.  It takes the pressure off.  I use the mantra"this is my normal for now" which takes away the expectations of feeling better.  i push forward when I can and pull back when I have to.  For example, my visual aura hit today. I know from my patterns I've learned tomorrow will be the most symptomatic day for me. I already took off work tomorrow.  No need to push through when I know it isn't something I can change.

 

Once in a while I get extra frustrated.  That day was yesterday and I rebound from it quicker than ever.

Hoping you get a break soon.

 

Good post drew.

[[Fi...]]

Serenity--no, we don't just continually regress.  We get worse for awhile and then we get better.  I got WAY worse at 14 months.  Then I got better and healed.  You will heal whether you ever "wrap your head around it" or not, but you'll make it easier for yourself if you stop trying to demand the whole thing should make sense.  It just doesn't.  You've noticed, right?  The whole thing is one big shit show for everybody. You just have to look at all the different bizarre stories of healing and the circuitous or roller-coaster paths people negotiated.

 

I, too, wonder  what happened to people who drop off the board.  Like Orionbash!  My guess, just from following the stories of people debating what they're thinking of doing, is that people just give up and reinstate or  take some other drug.  Naturally they don't want to show up on this board where everybody's trying to tough it out all the way to well and encouraging others to do the same.

 

Nobody can talk you out of believing that we don't all heal if that's what you're going to choose to believe, but apply some cognitive therapy to the situation, the question would be, is believing that we don't all heal helping or hurting you? 

[[je...]]

Yeah, I think orionbash probably reinstated.. Honestly I think that a lot of people we don't hear from gave up and reinstated.  If we hang in there and don't give up, we heal.

[[Fi...]]

Jenny--this is what I believe, too.

[[be...]]

Yep, I agree!!! I have never heard of anyone in withdrawal forever, it has to end sometime.

[[al...]]

Yeah, I think orionbash probably reinstated.. Honestly I think that a lot of people we don't hear from gave up and reinstated.  If we hang in there and don't give up, we heal.

 

jenny and FJ orionbash didn't reinstated he is still fighting the battle... we are close friends..

[[Fi...]]

Allbymyself--you guys are close real life friends?  I thought you had just signed onto BB more recently.  In any case, I wish him well and I'm glad to hear that he hasn't given up and reinstated!  I hope he comes back and writes a success story as he has been fighting quite the battle and it would be inspiring to others to see him win.

[[al...]]

I did but I was on another forum before that called bluelight.org where he is now. I came to this one because it is more support-oriented whereas bluelight is more the science behind what is going on and everyone tries different methods to heal themselves. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt.

 

i will let him know.

[[Fi...]]

I took a quick look at that site.  It definitely doesn't look like BB, a group to support people who want OFF benzos.  Lots of discussion threads about "using" this or that etc.  Stories of people dying of accidental overdose.

[[al...]]

The vast majority of people on bluelight are people that took drugs for recreational purposes. its not a support-oriented site at all. people dont talk about their symptoms like they do here. instead they find ways to cure themselves, if they can. the new thing right now is niacin. thats why orion recommended i come here instead.

[[Fi...]]

That's interesting.  I'm glad you came here.  It seems to me the "cure" for being hooked on drugs is stopping them and then surviving whatever suffering you have to endure while your brain heals.  I'm guessing it's the same process whether you got hooked using recreationally or by prescription, but people who got started recreationally are more invested in somehow thinking they can "cure" themselves with yet another pill or supplement.

[[al...]]

its really hard to say if they are really curing themselves of benzo wd. some people have had great success by finding out what they are low in and torturing themselves taking the supplement, but then some of the seem to magically wake up cured. its really scary but its interesting to see the results. it seems no different than the ginkgo experiment, but its with things like niacin, MSG, and anything else others come up with. someone wrote there a month ago that benzo wd hits everyone differently and its a matter of finding out what was thrown out of whack when you quit the benzo and to reverse it as quick as possible. that person said that the gaba issues are resolved within 90 days for most people and that protracted withdrawal is just a deficiency and you wont heal until you restore that deficiency. i was always scared to try anything so i never did. but i have made some progress regardless so i feel like mine may be strictly gaba issues. i dunno.

[[Sk...]]

FJ, I've read R & R just about weekly for past number of months.  On one hand, I appreciate it, yet on the other, sometimes it bugs me, TBH.  I find her positivity almost impossible to comprehend, and can't identify with her enthusiasm or hopeful messages in the least when I'm this low.  Of course, she wrote it when she was recovered, so it makes sense she was in a positive headspace.

 

Again, today, I'm questioning if all of us truly do heal.  I think when people swear that we do, it's a lie, because all of us do not.  I think some people just eventually drop off the radar, or exit life.

 

That's just where I am today.

 

Serenity, I healed in my first withdrawal. I can see why you might doubt the healing..I think all of us have at one time or another. Because the suffering  and the healing are so long the little doubts and fears start dancing in our heads..benzo beast is working his magic.

 

Maybe some people do drop off the radar or exit life...because they never accepted the withdrawal nor hung in there. This isn't an easy thing to go through..but it's doable and we should never give up.

We do get better and we do heal...please believe it...let the doubts go.

 

I think your just in a bad place right now..maybe a bit wavy. When I'm wavy the negative thoughts try to consume me....I punch em in the face and show them who's boss.

 

Keep on healing...you got this!!!!

 

That's my girl ! 

[[Sk...]]

Sounds like we're all a bit stuck.  I should be grateful for my good days.  Instead I'm mad that they're gone, I'm irritable, sick of dealing with withdrawal, want it to be over.

 

I took the two Unisom again and slept the night through.  Apparently it will not work when I'm revving.

 

Rough morning.  Aches, pains, body stiffness, head and face pressure, but I'm coping, I'm hopeful.  The fears come when the symptoms are bad.  I don't have health fear, but I do fear being like this forever, that's my major fear.

 

Coop, Beulah, Siggy, Drew, feel better.  Seems like the dawg days of withdrawal.

 

Sorry to hear the Unisom is not working now, but I think it might, once you are not revved up. If I understood your post correctly, and that is a big if ! 

 

I keep having this thing, while I sleep, I feel something punching me softly in my sleep, I wake up thinking mr Sky did it, get angry with him, and then, I can't fall back to sleep ! My sleep is so light these days! But, here's the thing, mr SKy, says he has not done anything.

 

So, sadly, there is still a lot of healing to do. Our sleep is the most delicate thing, apparently our senses are still quite in alert at that time, so it means our amygdala is still out of synch. Hope I made sense, words are more difficult some days.

 

Everybody, I am sending healing thoughts. 

[[...]]

I’ve not been able to post recently as I’ve been so busy at work and had other stressors going on which has put me in a wave (or maybe I’m just in one). I do know I’ve wondered, wondering how much more of this I can take. The work thing  I’m finding really tough especially this week; my head feels like a concrete block, including my eyes. Brain feels numbed like it's been to the dentist. Actually my body is very rigid at the moment and I thought this was easing off. Only the other day I said ‘’ooh, I’ve not cried for a while’’. Well last night the flood gates opened and I wailed ‘’just make it stop’’. I’m exhausted and having a hard time concentrating. The only thing to be done is to just try to carry on a normal as possible. Sleep is crap too and when I do I dream that I can’t either see or breathe.

Yes I wonder if this gets worse (15 months this weekend). I think it’s just different and it feels worse because it goes on for such a horrific length of time and no one knows the hell we are having to put up with and I feel like screaming at them sometimes.

All this stuff about a deficiency also makes me mad. Yes we can eat well, avoid certain irritant/toxic foodstuffs maybe, take gentle exercise if you are able. However there is not a supplement, pill, whatever that will make this get better. Time is the answer, avoid stress (difficult sometimes) and just believe we will get better, because we WILL 

Sorry for the rant but I’m sure you lovelies understand I AM PISSED OFF 

 

Keep going, you are all heroes