12-18 month support

[[be...]]

My father died a week ago today.

I am so sick. Virus sick, benzo sick, heart sick. And there is a part of me that's ready to go be with him now. I don't know how to do this. My anxiety has been awful these last few days, a premenstral wave. I just can't believe how long this takes. 11 months is all. I've only made it 11 months. And my supporters are burned out and grieving.

 

  I just want to be free. I want my dad back.

 

Peace2   

 

Peace- I'm so sorry. I know you have a heavy heart and all this withdrawal is making you miserable.

I'm sending you many hugs and prayers.

[[He...]]

Peace,

I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your dad! There is nothing I can say to help, but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love to you,

HH

[[No...]]

Peace ... first, no words ... a hug ... a holding ... the silence of grief within your community of grief ... a breathing ...

 

***

 

And now, the words ... the anxiety of grief ... and the tears ... and the longing ... and in our grief this sense of rending ... the loss ... the emptiness ...

 

And in time ... we fill this emptiness with our memories ... within our brave, strong souls we slowly gather our memories and the cherished of our lives and for now we place them, gradually, lovingly, in that new place that is opening in our memories, just for them ... what we cherish, we remember ... and although we can no longer hold them in our arms, we can now hold them in our precious memories ... 

 

This communion of memories ...

 

Grief announces a changing ... and slowly, gradually, we incorporate this change into our bodies, into our souls, into our memories ... and all the while, we hold those close to us ... and those not physically close, we hold in our hearts ... and we breathe ...

 

Michael

 

[[...]]

Peace, my deepest sympathies!! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

 

[[Sk...]]

Peace, so sorry, this is really awful, I can't imagine anything worse.

[[ga...]]

Peace....So sorry for your loss.  I know the pain having been through it myself.  One thing you will always have is the cherished memories...you never will lose them....with you forever. 

 

My thoughts are with you....Garton

[[Gr...]]

Peace,

 

I am so sorry for your loss.  You are in my thoughts and prayers, you know that.  God, you're going through so much, I am so sorry.

 

Sue

[[Co...]]

Peace...we will never burn out on you...we are here for you whenever you need comfort. Let yourself greive. My experience with grief is that it is intense and excruciating in the beginning and then it comes and goes in unpredictable cycles. ..I found that I never " got over" losing my mother, but the grief became livable and far less intense with time.

    My heart is with you. ...we are here for you...coop

[[Gr...]]

 

Article about Stevie Nicks

 

"During the 10 or so years that she was addicted to cocaine - back in the days when Fleetwood Mac's album credits would include a 'thanks' to their dealer - Stevie Nicks estimates that she must have spent more than $1 million on the drug. 'At $100 a pop - that's a gram - and we were the ones who were buying it for everybody else; not only us, but all our friends.' Nicks thinks about this. 'Actually, I would say millions.'

 

It all came to end in 1986, when a plastic surgeon advised her that if she wanted her nose to remain on her face she should stop snorting coke immediately. (The legacy was a hole in her septum the size of a five cent piece.) So it was off to the Betty Ford Clinic in Palm Springs, which was like 'the army' - meetings from six in the morning until nine at night. 'Tammy Wynette was there, and one of James Taylor's backing singers.' After 30 days she had an epiphany, and that was it for the cocaine.

 

She hunches forward in her chair, sipping at her tea, which is about the strongest stimulant she indulges in these days. The dying afternoon sun is slanting through the window behind her, casting a halo around the blonde curls that tumble past her shoulders. 'So when I left Betty Ford, I felt that I was fine. But my world was terrified that I was not fine.'

 

Your world? 'The powers that be, the people around me. They were terrified I was going to start doing it again. I think everybody knew I wasn't an alcoholic, because I'm not; but I drank. And every-body thought I should go to AA, and in order to get out of that the next best thing in everybody else's eyes was for me to go see a shrink. I really didn't want to go. But I finally just said all right in order to get all of you off my back…'

 

The psychiatrist, she says, put her on a tranquilliser called Klonopin - 'he said to calm my nerves a little. I didn't want to do it. He said, "You're nervous." And I was nervous; I'm a nervous person. So I finally just said, all right.' Klonopin, Nicks says, is a member of the Valium family. 'It's a tranquilliser, right? And you think, what does tranquilliser mean? It tranquillises you!' Particularly when, as Nicks claims, the drug is radically oversubscribed. After a year, she realised she was beginning to put on weight and lose interest in her work. 'And the saddest thing, I did an interview in England, and somebody had sent the article to my mother and she read it to me over the phone. And it said, you could see Stevie Nicks in there, but she was very sad and very quiet and she was just a shadow of her former self. And that article broke my heart.

 

'And after that, it got worse, because he kept upping my dose. 1988 into '89, I'm now not even writing songs any more. I was living in a beautiful rented house in the Valley, and just pretty much staying home. Ordering take-in and watching TV. And I've gained 30lb and I'm 5ft 1in tall, and I'm so miserable. And I started to notice that I was shaking all the time, and I'm noticing that everybody else is noticing it too. And then I'm starting to think, do I have some kind of neurological disease and I'm dying?'

 

So 1993 comes rolling round, and Stevie Nicks is finally convinced that the protracted high dosage of Klonopin might be killing her. So she does exactly what you or I might do. She instructs her personal assistant, Glenn, to take her daily dose - just to see what effect it has.

 

'I said, it won't kill you, because it hasn't killed me, but I just want to see what you think. Because Glenn was terribly worried about me - everybody was. So I was taking two in the morning, two in the afternoon and two more at night. At that point if I could find a Percoset, because I'm so miserable, I'd take that, or I'd take a Fiorocet - anything.

 

'So Glenn proceeds to take all my medicine. He was setting up a stereo in the living-room. Well, after half an hour he was just sitting there. And he said, "I can't fix the stereo and I don't think I can drive home." And I said, "Well, good - just stay there, because I'm studying you." And he was almost hallucinating. It was bad. And I called up my psychiatrist, and I said, "I gave Glenn every-thing you've prescribed for me." And the first words out of his mouth were, "Are you trying to kill him?" And the next words out of my mouth were, "Are you trying to kill me?" '

 

Nicks admitted herself to the Daniel Freeman Memorial Hospital in Venice Beach. It took her 47 days to detox. 'Dallas Taylor, the drummer for Crosby, Stills and Nash, was there the whole time. I nearly died. I moulted. My hair turned grey. My skin started to completely peel off. I was in terrible pain.' She shivers at the memory. 'I think it's very good to talk about this to get the message out into the world about addiction to this particular drug. That was the worst period of my life. They stole my forties. It was eight completely wasted years of my life.' Here's the irony, she says: the 'powers that be' had sent her to the psychiatrist in order to keep her working, but the 'treatment' he gave her made work almost impossible. 'It's very Shakespearean. It's very much a tragedy."

 

 

[[pe...]]

Thanks for all the lovely thoughts. It is very difficult, on top of feeling bizarre -benzo sick, to grieve the loss of a truly awesome man. I'm really trying to keep my 'chin up' because that's what he would tell me to do.

 

Green- Stevie Nicks is my benzo hero. I love reading her story. My understanding is it took her two years to heal and she spent those two years 'hiding' at her brothers. But look at her now!

 

I hope you are all doing ok. We're always moving towards healing. I hope the healing is more apparent to you now. You are an amazing band of lovelies.

 

Wishing you the best,

Peace2

[[pa...]]

 

Article about Stevie Nicks

 

 

 

Thanks, Greenice.  I'm curious.... where was this article published?  This is the most I've heard her talk about specific symptoms.  I really wish she would talk about it more.

 

Peace, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I lost my dad a few years ago, and it's a really difficult thing to come to terms with.  I can't imagine dealing with it on top of benzo w/d.  You are a very brave and strong woman.

[[Sk...]]

Peace, you are very much in my thoughts.  I lost my father 4 years ago and only now I realize that these years have been spent reacting to it. In wd I relived his final moments continuously, every single day.

Now that I am at my mother's place, it has all come back but much worse.

 

After the initial shock of changing house,changing bed, seeing my mother sicker, I have started feeling better but my  amygdala is really wild. I feel so lost, confused and mr Sky has to help me out even more than usual. This is so confusing.

 

Thanks for the support. It is discouraging to see so many months of healing, calm, disappear in no time at all, just crumble in a second.

 

I am always so scared of every single thing even though I am close to 14 months. It will go away, I know that, the novelty will wear out but I would have loved to handle the change a little better.

 

I also am getting brutal catastrophic thoughts, it all reminds me of the first days of my Ct, which I had hoped to have left very much behind.

 

I would like to do so much, that is my mistake, but I am not well yet, I really have to give myself time. I have not seen my mom in 11 months, there is tons of stuff she needs to get done and can't do herself. So that is some pressure that I put on myself, my mom just wants me to be here, happy.

 

And the crazy train seem to be always quite close, I never ever want to this close to madness ever again.

 

It is easy to want to do normal things, I had never realized how easy it actually is. But normal at Christmas may be too much for us now.

 

Hugs to everybody.

[[...]]

Peace truly feel for you.

My dad was the foundation of our family and we miss him everyday.

It's really hard pls keep going and do everything possible to continue healing for yourself and family.

 

All the best

 

 

[[Fr...]]

Dear Peace,

 

I'm so sorry about your dad. He sounds like such a wonderful man and will be so greatly missed.  I wish you were feeling better too.

 

Lisa

[[dr...]]

i wish Stevie Nicks would take up our cause and Pound the table more.

 

I went to the doc for our follow up this am on my change in EKG since my stress test in February.  I am going to see a cardiologist in the New Year.  My doctor felt bad about sending an email as he knew I would freak out.  He said we just have to rule everything out and we start with worst case scenarios and work backwards.  It is an inverted T wave which means it MAY be showing less blood flowing out of the heart or something.  It isn't a sign of an impending heart attack.  He said my stress test in Feb was perfect so even if it was something it wouldn't be major heart disease.  Of course I ignore all that and focus on the fact that he said don't exercise too hard.  Moderate is fine but stop immediately if you have chest pain.  He has to and should say that.    The scary part for me is I always have chest tightness around the whole area.  he said I would know the difference as the pain would be way worse.    Why that's all I can focus on is ridiculous. 

 

I really get ashamed of how poorly I deal with any health news.  I am basically dead in my own mind.  I catastrophize to no end.  The Dr. said he was concerned because it has changed but he thinks it will turn out to be nothing.  he would not be doing his job if he didn't follow up.  He said a cardiologist will rule out everything and give us reassurances as it is beyond his knowledge/expertise why it changed.

On  the other side, my dad said if it was something else we should thank the heavens we found it early before it was really dangerous.  I know I should think like that but all I keep thinking is I'll drop dead before I see the dr.  and it would be death if I have anything wrong with me.  The truth of it is that I know this is all irrational and I am sure I will be fine in a bit as the appt is fresh.  I am even planning on doing a light workout at the gym.       

 

Thx for letting me vent.

 

[[dr...]]

Oh...I should add all the complete fatigue and no energy all the time is not helping the matter.  I think it's now from a defective heart

[[...]]

Well, it sounds like good news Drew! I'm sure everything will turn out fine at the cardiologist!!

 

Sorry about the fatigue! I hope improves soon!!

 

Be well!

 

[[Fi...]]

Drew--I completely sympathize with the shame you feel for how you react to health news!  I'm the same way and always beat myself up for not being able to  handle things better.  Yes, always the catastrophizing!  I think we are just wired this way!  Other members of my family seem perfectly capable of assuming good outcomes.  I am trying to get better about this and I will say that, over the years (I'm 63)  having watched lots of people (including myself) have tests for things that COULD be alarming, it almost always turns out to be nothing!  I've really come to feel the docs are forever covering themselves while they get us nervous types alarmed!  I think I've done better during withdrawal at just assuming everything is withdrawal and will get better.  I've had lots of disturbing chest pains and pains in other places that come and go.  Last night it was my left armpit?  OH, no!  Lymph nodes?  But it's gone today.  And that's how it's gone with everything.  I think it sounds like you DO need the reassurance and that's probably what you're going to get.  Hang in there!  I'm rooting for you!

[[dr...]]

Thanks G and FJ...I am not a hot mess right now but it is in teh back of my mind. 

[[Fi...]]

Hot mess here too!  Guess I bragged too soon about never visiting the pit again.  But I didn't feel as bad as long so maybe my inherent resilience is making a comeback. 

[[dr...]]

Yes...our baselines are always improving. I seem to pull out of it quicker too.  Okay...no more shame for me today. Join me in that FJ. No shame day!

[[Wi...]]

So maybe that is improvement?  It's still very intense but it doesn't last as long?

[[dr...]]

Wwwi-Ah it's a long process this recovery...I'm definitely better more of the time but when I trip up it can be as bad as ever.

 

 

...one of my clients who is a retired cardiologist gave me some reassurance.  He said people don't just drop dead from inverted T waves. He also said since my stress test and Echo came back fine in Feb that he would be very surprised if it was anything but benign and the ekg can change from many things. Told me get the test and don't worry.  A little reassurance is helpful.  I need to retread this a hundred times. Thx for listening. 

[[Fi...]]

Okay, Drew.  Deal.  No shame.  But I'm saying that as I have a glass of wine after I said I would knock off my one a day habit  when I thought maybe it was giving me heart palps in the evening.  Well, call this an experiment.  I need to get just slightly hammered here.  If I have heart palps, I'll knock it off again.

[[je...]]

Fj- how does the wine make you feel? Does it give you any sort of buzz or relaxation? Last time I had one was about 5-6 months out and it made my brain feel like jello, but I got no buzz at all.