12-18 month support

[[dr...]]

thx beulah...I ended up going to the gym even though I was still unsettled. i did 30 min areobic exericse and even sat in the hot tub for 10 minutes.  All of this caused my anxiety to spike because of the changes in HR, adrenaline, sweating,etc...I am fed up with it all and just tried welcoming the panic.  I don't care if it comes as I want to rid myself of all fear and the only way to do it is thorugh facing it head on. It didn't show   For now I am done even being passive about this for a bit.        The beast is trying to tell me the "brain symptom" is something deadly even though I went to the ER for it a few months ago when it happened during a meeting.  No wonder it only comes back in meetings now. 

 

Hope everyone in the soup is doing better.  Will catch up later on posts.

[[Gr...]]

thx beulah...I ended up going to the gym even though I was still unsettled. i did 30 min areobic exericse and even sat in the hot tub for 10 minutes.  All of this caused my anxiety to spike because of the changes in HR, adrenaline, sweating,etc...I am fed up with it all and just tried welcoming the panic.  I don't care if it comes as I want to rid myself of all fear and the only way to do it is thorugh facing it head on. It didn't show   For now I am done even being passive about this for a bit.        The beast is trying to tell me the "brain symptom" is something deadly even though I went to the ER for it a few months ago when it happened during a meeting.  No wonder it only comes back in meetings now. 

 

Hope everyone in the soup is doing better.  Will catch up later on posts.

 

Drew, a minor blip in my system can cause my ears to start ringing, the tinnitus.  It doesn't have to be major anxiety.  But you've been talking about client meetings being very stressful for you for a long time, and you're still uncomfortable with them.

 

Have you looked closely for the deep fear attached to the anxiety? 

 

Once I was able to identify my deepest fears, that was the beginning of real change, for me, anyway.  I know you have very good quality therapy. 

[[Gr...]]

Never left the couch.  Bad day.  Def'ly overdid. 

 

Nova, everybody, feel better.

 

[[dr...]]

thx beulah...I ended up going to the gym even though I was still unsettled. i did 30 min areobic exericse and even sat in the hot tub for 10 minutes.  All of this caused my anxiety to spike because of the changes in HR, adrenaline, sweating,etc...I am fed up with it all and just tried welcoming the panic.  I don't care if it comes as I want to rid myself of all fear and the only way to do it is thorugh facing it head on. It didn't show   For now I am done even being passive about this for a bit.        The beast is trying to tell me the "brain symptom" is something deadly even though I went to the ER for it a few months ago when it happened during a meeting.  No wonder it only comes back in meetings now. 

 

Hope everyone in the soup is doing better.  Will catch up later on posts.

 

Drew, a minor blip in my system can cause my ears to start ringing, the tinnitus.  It doesn't have to be major anxiety.  But you've been talking about client meetings being very stressful for you for a long time, and you're still uncomfortable with them.

 

Have you looked closely for the deep fear attached to the anxiety? 

 

Once I was able to identify my deepest fears, that was the beginning of real change, for me, anyway.  I know you have very good quality therapy.

 

Green-the meetings are very much like how driving on the freeway was for me. The driving one disappeared soon after I finished my taper and now only shows up in mega waves.  I've always been on benzos so not sure where the meeting stuff came form.  What gives me anxiety is the feeling of my brain doing really weird stuff. Almost like a acid or something on the brain. .  It's hard for me to even talk when this is happening. I've heard of others mention this but I couldn't get any confirmation when I posted on a support board. It has to be withdrawal since it only comes in meetings and also my ear hisses.  I know it's not dangerous as they ran a ct scan but I guess I'm not over it.im going to work w my therapist on this but when in a we'd open window it's nothing this bad. 

 

[[dr...]]

Okay...processing my day....in retrospect I'm being too hard on myself. When I first jumped I couldn't even talk to a client on the phone without hyperventilating.  I went into my meeting today and I completed it from beginning to end.  I was very symptomatic BUT at no time did I ever panic. That is huge.  The benzo beast was in my head saying "you felt terrible at the end of the meeting...what woukd have happened if it went on longer?"  Well...it didn't go on longer and if it did I'm sure I would have managed even if I had to step out for a moment. 

It is amazing how this process tries to diminish our small victories.

[[dr...]]

Boy...quiet here tonight.  Just got hit w a bit of health anxiety that the brain symptom is something really wrong w me.  I'll just accept that it's my overtaxed brain trying to mess w me. As I stated in my earlier posts it only happens in meetings and I had the CT scan.  I guess that no one else has this allows the beast to plant the seed of doubt.

 

Apologize for being high maintenance today.  Does this shit ever end.

[[Aq...]]

I hear ya Drew. Having a high maintenance day myself. It sounds like you had a quite an overloaded day. Don't let it get the best of you. You are fine. It is just your overtaxed brain. Good on you for facing your fears today.

[[Co...]]

Never left the couch.  Bad day.  Def'ly overdid. 

 

Nova, everybody, feel better.

 

 

Green.. so glad your trip went so well. ....Sorry about the sleep.  Do you think it will come back after you get settled back in ?.  .I am not surprised that you were on your couch all day..  .going on a trip is the ph.d of w/d... I am on the couch half a day after going grocery store. ....Green, this is such a thing of healing that you have done.  Hope you get sleep tonight and feel more settled tomorrow..  So glad to see you back.  ..coop

[[Si...]]

My wife understandably wants me to stay off the boards. I try, but nobody else understands what we're going through. Felt great this morning since I slept last night. The anxiety started ramping up around 2pm. Have a bad headache that ibuprofen didn't dent. Now I'm terrified of going to bed again. I have to break this cycle somehow. Sorry about your ramping anxiety drew.

[[Co...]]

Hi all...I slept pretty well and had dreams about my meeting which I suppose is in my unconscious.  I did all my reading on exposure therapy and felt ready for my appt.  I met with the client and we are pretty close so I told him of my situation(more of a cautionary tale of benzos).  I did the meeting and I promised myself I would not flee no matter what.  I must say my brain literally feels like it is "overheating" or something.  It is not "normal" anxiety or panic.  After my brain gets that way I feel the other symptoms.  My ears start ringing and even after my ears felt clogged.  I NEVER had anything in my life like this prejump.  This is a recent sensation that started less than a few months ago.  Before  I had anxiety and panic which was the usual stuff like sweating, racing heart, fear, etc...

 

I find client meetings the most stressful things even pre taper.  It must be my stress response is lessened but I still need to be able to function somewhat in meetings.  I felt I did okay but that feeling of brain overheating hit me towards the end of the meeting to and it made me question would I have been able to continue.  I did okay as it started to settle down as the meeting ended. 

 

I spoke to my therapist after and when he returns from vacation we are going to have "meetings" in these same conference rooms to try and habituate myself to getting comfortable in them.  He also wants me to just sit in the rooms without clients and meditate once a day.  I am all for this but I wonder how much is "me" and how much is benzos.  Whatever is going on isn't normal as my ears rang and then got very clogged.  I need to have meetings and I presume this is how my brain now responds to stressful situations until it doesn't.  UGH. 

 

.....Drew, you just described exactly what my sudden panics feel like. I get the immediate out of the blue ear ringing and loss of hearing..  .immediate d/r like out of body unreality, a head rush that makes me feel like I am blacking out and intense dissociation. ....It takes awhile to 'come back ' from it and leaves me tired and spacey .....Each time I am completely convinced that I am in the midst of a heart attack or stroke. It does feel very different than even my most intense anxiety as it usually comes on like a lightening bolt....I have to nail my feet to the floor to keep from going to er

......Drew..  it sounds like panic to me. You hung on ...and yes, it makes total sense that you would get hit in the same room that you got struck with the one that sent you to er..For me, those ' I am dying on the spot'  panics are traumatizing.  I love the exposure exercises and you are a warrior for doing them. .

......You are making it through this Drew.  Here's to going one on one with a 911 panic and winning....coop

[[Co...]]

Just a check in....I am encouraged today. My afternoon was back to 80%.  The morning was rocky with fatigue and d/r, but I pushed myself a little as I promised my daughter I would go with her for the last fitting of her dress.  It ended up being a very goid afternoon after a busy day of running around . I had some fleeting moments of intrusive health fear at lunch but backed them dow. Unbelievably the reflux was mild and I enjoyed lunch.. .as bland as it was ( just white rice and baked chicken)  It's late evening and I am still feeling normal. My grandsons are coming over to go swimming tomorrow and hopefully this will hold.  I feel so normal.  Crossing my fingers

. ..Wishing everyone decent rest and a better tomorrow.  coop

[[Co...]]

Hi ... pretty lousy day ... was out for a while this morning ... and just hanging around the rest of the day ... bloated like the michelin man again ...

 

Better days are coming ... 

 

    I hear ya Nova, 2 spoons of soup turns into a full thanksgiving dinner as soon as they hit my belly

So sorry your day was on the lousy side of w/d. It's good that you got outside for a little while before your day turned lousy.

    Rest easy Nova..  .coop

[[dr...]]

Coop-nothing like a new super panic to keep us on our toes.  Sorry you get this too.

 

Siggy-all our spouses would rather us not be on here but my spouse doesn't want to hear it all the time. No one normal does.  Without this site I would be on eight meds.

 

I'm okay all. Just"day of" trauma hangover. 

[[Si...]]

Another night of barely sleeping. Maybe 30 minutes of light sleep earlier. Came down to the sofa so my wife can sleep without my tossing and turning. Fell into light sleep again on sofa. No idea for how long though. I guess I just had too much adrenaline running through my body yesterday. I wish I had never gotten the flu 4 months ago. It really wrecked me though.

 

[[No...]]

Hi Floks ... going to take a few days off BB ... I am doing okay ... just need a break ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[Co...]]

See you when you come back Nova......will be thinking of you....coop

[[be...]]

Just a check in....I am encouraged today. My afternoon was back to 80%.  The morning was rocky with fatigue and d/r, but I pushed myself a little as I promised my daughter I would go with her for the last fitting of her dress.  It ended up being a very goid afternoon after a busy day of running around . I had some fleeting moments of intrusive health fear at lunch but backed them dow. Unbelievably the reflux was mild and I enjoyed lunch.. .as bland as it was ( just white rice and baked chicken)  It's late evening and I am still feeling normal. My grandsons are coming over to go swimming tomorrow and hopefully this will hold.  I feel so normal.  Crossing my fingers

. ..Wishing everyone decent rest and a better tomorrow.  coop

 

Ahh Coop, wonderful to read all of the stories of good days.

Your daughters wedding day is growing closer and you have some good distraction going on.

Bland food is blah..but my belly likes it.

 

Enjoy your day with the grandsons. Healing in progress. Keeping my fingers crossed.

[[be...]]

Hi Floks ... going to take a few days off BB ... I am doing okay ... just need a break ...

 

Be Well ... 

 

Ok Nova, I'm granting you permission for a few days off...but no funny business.😈

 

Keep on the healing side.

[[Gr...]]

thx beulah...I ended up going to the gym even though I was still unsettled. i did 30 min areobic exericse and even sat in the hot tub for 10 minutes.  All of this caused my anxiety to spike because of the changes in HR, adrenaline, sweating,etc...I am fed up with it all and just tried welcoming the panic.  I don't care if it comes as I want to rid myself of all fear and the only way to do it is thorugh facing it head on. It didn't show   For now I am done even being passive about this for a bit.        The beast is trying to tell me the "brain symptom" is something deadly even though I went to the ER for it a few months ago when it happened during a meeting.  No wonder it only comes back in meetings now. 

 

Hope everyone in the soup is doing better.  Will catch up later on posts.

 

Drew, a minor blip in my system can cause my ears to start ringing, the tinnitus.  It doesn't have to be major anxiety.  But you've been talking about client meetings being very stressful for you for a long time, and you're still uncomfortable with them.

 

Have you looked closely for the deep fear attached to the anxiety? 

 

Once I was able to identify my deepest fears, that was the beginning of real change, for me, anyway.  I know you have very good quality therapy.

 

Green-the meetings are very much like how driving on the freeway was for me. The driving one disappeared soon after I finished my taper and now only shows up in mega waves.  I've always been on benzos so not sure where the meeting stuff came form.  What gives me anxiety is the feeling of my brain doing really weird stuff. Almost like a acid or something on the brain. .  It's hard for me to even talk when this is happening. I've heard of others mention this but I couldn't get any confirmation when I posted on a support board. It has to be withdrawal since it only comes in meetings and also my ear hisses.  I know it's not dangerous as they ran a ct scan but I guess I'm not over it.im going to work w my therapist on this but when in a we'd open window it's nothing this bad.

 

My brain freezes shut in my support group sometimes, and it's very stressful, because I can generally handle public speaking just fine.  Sounds like a withdrawal issue, and it will get better as you heal.  you're getting close now.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Floks ... going to take a few days off BB ... I am doing okay ... just need a break ...

 

Be Well ... 

 

Nova, take care.  See you when you get back.

[[Gr...]]

Sounds like we're all a bit stuck.  I should be grateful for my good days.  Instead I'm mad that they're gone, I'm irritable, sick of dealing with withdrawal, want it to be over.

 

I took the two Unisom again and slept the night through.  Apparently it will not work when I'm revving.

 

Rough morning.  Aches, pains, body stiffness, head and face pressure, but I'm coping, I'm hopeful.  The fears come when the symptoms are bad.  I don't have health fear, but I do fear being like this forever, that's my major fear.

 

Coop, Beulah, Siggy, Drew, feel better.  Seems like the dawg days of withdrawal.

[[dr...]]

Thx green...brain freeze..lol  amazing how hard it is to describe how we feel until someone puts it down.  Yes...a very weird sensation that passes rather quickly but makes it difficult to ignore. 

 

Nova-hope you get a break and recharge

 

Coop-nice time yesterday for you.  yay!

 

Sigy-I know the sleep shuffle

 

I am doing okay this am. Thanks all for the support and chiming in yesterday.  You all know how helpful it is.  I took a 1/2 a unisom and it didn't do squat and I just was groggy this am.  Oh well...crapshoot.  I was just putting it all in perspective again this morning.  I am able to go through my day almost every day without feeling like I am dying.  I remember how bad I felt ALL the time.  The fear, constant adrenaline rushes, the panic,etc...  most of the time nowhere to be found.  This is key and I am trying to do it more and more is to concentrate on what is better not what is still wrong.  Hard to do but most of us probably are very hard on ourselves which puts us at risk for looking what is wrong instead of what is better.

 

 

[[Si...]]

Thx green...brain freeze..lol  amazing how hard it is to describe how we feel until someone puts it down.  Yes...a very weird sensation that passes rather quickly but makes it difficult to ignore. 

 

Nova-hope you get a break and recharge

 

Coop-nice time yesterday for you.  yay!

 

Sigy-I know the sleep shuffle

 

I am doing okay this am. Thanks all for the support and chiming in yesterday.  You all know how helpful it is.  I took a 1/2 a unisom and it didn't do squat and I just was groggy this am.  Oh well...crapshoot.  I was just putting it all in perspective again this morning.  I am able to go through my day almost every day without feeling like I am dying.  I remember how bad I felt ALL the time.  The fear, constant adrenaline rushes, the panic,etc...  most of the time nowhere to be found.  This is key and I am trying to do it more and more is to concentrate on what is better not what is still wrong.  Hard to do but most of us probably are very hard on ourselves which puts us at risk for looking what is wrong instead of what is better.

 

 

 

Yeah, my wife is constantly telling me she sees the improvements I've had over the last 4 months since I got the flu that brought me to my knees. I don't see it much though. I still feel like I'm teetering all over the place. I don't even feel like it's two steps forward three back. It's more like two steps forward, .6875 step at a 35 degree angle, spin real fast til you puke, cut yourself in half and send one half to the fourth dimension! LOL 

[[Si...]]

Sounds like we're all a bit stuck.  I should be grateful for my good days.  Instead I'm mad that they're gone, I'm irritable, sick of dealing with withdrawal, want it to be over.

 

I took the two Unisom again and slept the night through.  Apparently it will not work when I'm revving.

 

Rough morning.  Aches, pains, body stiffness, head and face pressure, but I'm coping, I'm hopeful.  The fears come when the symptoms are bad.  I don't have health fear, but I do fear being like this forever, that's my major fear.

 

Coop, Beulah, Siggy, Drew, feel better.  Seems like the dawg days of withdrawal.

 

For sure! We got a new quilt blanket for our bed last night. When I was at my mom's house, the bed had one on it and it was really comfortable. It has weight on it, but is thin with enough small holes to help it breath. It was comfortable as I thought it would be, but didn't enjoy it fully as I was barely sleeping last night.

[[Sk...]]

Thx green...brain freeze..lol  amazing how hard it is to describe how we feel until someone puts it down.  Yes...a very weird sensation that passes rather quickly but makes it difficult to ignore. 

 

Nova-hope you get a break and recharge

 

Coop-nice time yesterday for you.  yay!

 

Sigy-I know the sleep shuffle

 

I am doing okay this am. Thanks all for the support and chiming in yesterday.  You all know how helpful it is.  I took a 1/2 a unisom and it didn't do squat and I just was groggy this am.  Oh well...crapshoot.  I was just putting it all in perspective again this morning.  I am able to go through my day almost every day without feeling like I am dying.  I remember how bad I felt ALL the time.  The fear, constant adrenaline rushes, the panic,etc...  most of the time nowhere to be found.  This is key and I am trying to do it more and more is to concentrate on what is better not what is still wrong.  Hard to do but most of us probably are very hard on ourselves which puts us at risk for looking what is wrong instead of what is better.

 

 

 

Yeah, my wife is constantly telling me she sees the improvements I've had over the last 4 months since I got the flu that brought me to my knees. I don't see it much though. I still feel like I'm teetering all over the place. I don't even feel like it's two steps forward three back. It's more like two steps forward, .6875 step at a 35 degree angle, spin real fast til you puke, cut yourself in half and send one half to the fourth dimension! LOL 

 

Siggy, that's what mr Sky says to me too. I don't see it as much either, but we did not see the damage from the outside.

 

Brain freeze ? Mine is different, i get it with strong anxiety, I become incapable of taking any sany decision. I am literally a deer in the headlights.

 

Brain freeze is fine with me, it's 100 degrees here, so I would welcome any sort of cool ! 

 

Sorry for making a very bad joke, really needed to. 

 

I have been quite discouraged in these last two days.

 

my thought is that, faking it, can be a bad thing. If you fake too much, you forget you are sick, that is  good but can be bad, if you start comparing yourself to people who are not sick . Of course you get frustrated.

 

Speak soon, I am on the thread less. I am  avoiding the computer in general, it generates heat !!

 

Waiting for the temperature to go down. Should be tomorrow.

 

Heal on, everybody.