12-18 month support

[[Sk...]]

Good Morning ... just getting worn down ... the physical stuff ... not terrible ... just almost constant ... no real breaks ...

 

And any stress seems to set things off pretty loud for a couple of hours ...

 

And my mood really sucks ... which I am not very fond of ...

 

So ... low and slow and quiet ...

 

Sorry I haven't been very active lately ...

 

 

Don't worry, that's ok, Michael. It's been a bad day for me too, hope you get better, until then, take all the time off the thread you like.

 

A big hug to you.

[[dr...]]

I'm going to join the rant today...I'm just tired of it all today.  Not being in a wave just the entirety of this whole f'd up situation.  I mean I'm not having terrible anxiety or panic right now it's more just being tired of not being well.  Even on my "good" days I usually have something bothering me or some benzo horror situation is only a thought away.  I know I do lots of things that others don't but it's rare when I forget about the situation.  It's survive the task/event/meeting and hope the next one is better. I don't look forward to the events and feel relief if they cancel.  It is all consuming.  I guess it's just this far out and much further for most of you we are so over it. 

I don't remember how I felt prebenzo but I sure hope it's better than this.  I fully do expect to get better as time passes though. Everyone ahead of us(not counting horror stories which I must avoid) says so and I know they were just like us. 

Just needed to type this shot out to get my frame of mind back.

 

I was  undecided about dinner tonight because it's hard for me to make plans.  Dine in or eat out. I'd like to make it a game time decision as I never know how I'll feel. Well...she can't stand not knowing the plans(which I get). I tried explaining and then I vented about how long this all is...or tried to...Her quote "I just don't want to hear it".

She believes what I'm saying but she says she doesn't have the bandwidth.  I just love the added bonus of adding relationship discord

 

[[je...]]

Drew,

I so "get it".. This whole situation is just extremely tiring, so feel free to vent. It's so hard when we're just going through the motions, but not really enjoying life like we should be. I've said it before, but the farther out we are the harder it gets-- not because the waves are worse, but because we are just so damn tired of dealing with all this. Just remember this all passes I hope you can enjoy the rest of your night. Jenny 

[[No...]]

Drew ... I know the feeling ... just so damn tired of it all ... and my feeling of restlessness ... just wanting to walk away from all of this ...

 

And ... hell, I don't know if I have the "bandwidth" ... that is one of the things going on for me these last few days ... "I am tired of hearing this, living this, breathing this ... "

 

And I know that this is just another phase of whatever may be going on ... and just the getting through another day ...

 

And as Jenny reminds us, this too will pass ... 

[[No...]]

Jenny ... "the farther out we are the harder it gets" ... yep ... couldn't agree more right now ...

 

Seems this has become a bit of a mental endurance contest for me ... and when I look around there is the thought that there is nothing else to do, no where else to go ... so just keep going forward ... the remedy is right now, right here ... there is nothing I have done in the past that will be useful to see me through this ...

 

And there is the overwhelming awareness of the mess these drugs have made of my life ... and the awareness that I will get through this ... the awareness that everyone who has stuck with the process has gotten through this ...

 

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

The future is not some place we are going, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made. And the activity of making them changes both the maker and their destination.

 

JOHN SCHAAR

 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... I sure know what the fella who kept pushing that rock up the hill only to have it roll back down again feels like ...

 

And he trudges back down the hill ... and starts pushing it back up again ...

 

I am struggling with the mental stuff these past days ... a severe case of "why bother" ... and the looping thought of "nothing matters" ...

 

Well, guess what silly man ... I matter ... we all matter ...

 

And I did have a glimpse of why this matters a couple of nights ago ... woke up in the middle of the night ... and everything was clear as a bell ... and I just relaxed into that feeling for a few moments, pure joy, and then fell asleep again ... and woke about a couple of hours later and had to push that rock back up the hill again ...

 

So ... another day in paradise ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[je...]]

Jenny ... "the farther out we are the harder it gets" ... yep ... couldn't agree more right now ...

 

Seems this has become a bit of a mental endurance contest for me ... and when I look around there is the thought that there is nothing else to do, no where else to go ... so just keep going forward ... the remedy is right now, right here ... there is nothing I have done in the past that will be useful to see me through this ...

 

And there is the overwhelming awareness of the mess these drugs have made of my life ... and the awareness that I will get through this ... the awareness that everyone who has stuck with the process has gotten through this ...

 

[/qJenny

 

 

Nova,

It was a mental game for me too when I had a straight 5 months of no improvement, in fact I felt I was getting worse.. Sadness, regret, and I said "why bother" on many occasions. These drugs have stolen so much from us, but I'm positive when we get to the other side that not only will we feel better, but we will be better people. Your in a funk right now, I recognize it because I've been there myself, and not that long ago either... Everything your thinking is the benzo beast trying to break your spirit, we're not gonna let him do that Jenny

[[dr...]]

Good morning all...still in bed so we shall see what the day brings...

 

Nova-yes you matter as you know.  We'll keep pushing the rock.

[[be...]]

Good Morning ... I sure know what the fella who kept pushing that rock up the hill only to have it roll back down again feels like ...

 

And he trudges back down the hill ... and starts pushing it back up again ...

 

I am struggling with the mental stuff these past days ... a severe case of "why bother" ... and the looping thought of "nothing matters" ...

 

Well, guess what silly man ... I matter ... we all matter ...

 

 

Yes Nova, You Do Matter!!!! We All Do!!!

 

🎶🎶Just what makes that little ole ant think that he can move that rubber tree plant..cause he's got high hopes..he's got high hopes.🎶🎶

 

When the benzo beast comes knocking at your door...don't answer it.

 

This too..shall pass...always does. Hugs

 

 

And I did have a glimpse of why this matters a couple of nights ago ... woke up in the middle of the night ... and everything was clear as a bell ... and I just relaxed into that feeling for a few moments, pure joy, and then fell asleep again ... and woke about a couple of hours later and had to push that rock back up the hill again ...

 

So ... another day in paradise ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[Gr...]]

Hi Everyone!

 

I'm still in Atlanta and hanging in there.  There are some symptoms but I'm able to ignore them and get on with it.

 

Big thing.  Sleep.  I took Unisom the first night, 1 pill.  Then said to hell with it and took 2.  The Unisom with doxy. And that's what I'm doing, at least until I get home.  It makes a big difference, sleeping in a solid block.  I don't feel so weak and spaced out.  I know better than to think this is the magic bullet, the cure, but it has helped, I'm sleeping by 1-2, and up sort of early, anywhere from 7-10. 

 

I've been keeping busy and enjoying feeling like a normal human being for the first time in a long time.  Getting where I'm going and walking I have down pat.  I tried a bike tour and it was a terrific challenge, barely got through, even with many stops.  Even so, I stay grateful, I'm fully aware of how disabled I've been for so long.  So this is a gift of recovery, being able to function on a little vacation, sleep in a hotel (I had terrible fear about sleeping somewhere other than my own bed)

 

I'll be coming home tomorrow.  Will catch up with you all then.  Hope everyone is feeling better, hanging in as best possible.

sue

[[Sk...]]

I'm going to join the rant today...I'm just tired of it all today.  Not being in a wave just the entirety of this whole f'd up situation.  I mean I'm not having terrible anxiety or panic right now it's more just being tired of not being well.  Even on my "good" days I usually have something bothering me or some benzo horror situation is only a thought away.  I know I do lots of things that others don't but it's rare when I forget about the situation.  It's survive the task/event/meeting and hope the next one is better. I don't look forward to the events and feel relief if they cancel.  It is all consuming.  I guess it's just this far out and much further for most of you we are so over it. 

I don't remember how I felt prebenzo but I sure hope it's better than this.  I fully do expect to get better as time passes though. Everyone ahead of us(not counting horror stories which I must avoid) says so and I know they were just like us. 

Just needed to type this shot out to get my frame of mind back.

 

I was  undecided about dinner tonight because it's hard for me to make plans.  Dine in or eat out. I'd like to make it a game time decision as I never know how I'll feel. Well...she can't stand not knowing the plans(which I get). I tried explaining and then I vented about how long this all is...or tried to...Her quote "I just don't want to hear it".

She believes what I'm saying but she says she doesn't have the bandwidth.  I just love the added bonus of adding relationship discord

 

You have to give your girlfriend credit for finding a cool way to say she was tired of it all ! 

 

Btw, I too don't have the    bandwith  !

 

I am so tired as well, Drew, I really am. Tired of having to fight for every single thing.

[[Sk...]]

Good Morning ... I sure know what the fella who kept pushing that rock up the hill only to have it roll back down again feels like ...

 

And he trudges back down the hill ... and starts pushing it back up again ...

 

I am struggling with the mental stuff these past days ... a severe case of "why bother" ... and the looping thought of "nothing matters" ...

 

Well, guess what silly man ... I matter ... we all matter ...

 

And I did have a glimpse of why this matters a couple of nights ago ... woke up in the middle of the night ... and everything was clear as a bell ... and I just relaxed into that feeling for a few moments, pure joy, and then fell asleep again ... and woke about a couple of hours later and had to push that rock back up the hill again ...

 

So ... another day in paradise ...

 

Be Well ... 

 

Wow, that sounds great !  What I would do for one second of clarity ! So glad you had it, and that you came here to share with us !

[[Sk...]]

Hi Everyone!

 

I'm still in Atlanta and hanging in there.  There are some symptoms but I'm able to ignore them and get on with it.

 

Big thing.  Sleep.  I took Unisom the first night, 1 pill.  Then said to hell with it and took 2.  The Unisom with doxy. And that's what I'm doing, at least until I get home.  It makes a big difference, sleeping in a solid block.  I don't feel so weak and spaced out.  I know better than to think this is the magic bullet, the cure, but it has helped, I'm sleeping by 1-2, and up sort of early, anywhere from 7-10. 

 

I've been keeping busy and enjoying feeling like a normal human being for the first time in a long time.  Getting where I'm going and walking I have down pat.  I tried a bike tour and it was a terrific challenge, barely got through, even with many stops.  Even so, I stay grateful, I'm fully aware of how disabled I've been for so long.  So this is a gift of recovery, being able to function on a little vacation, sleep in a hotel (I had terrible fear about sleeping somewhere other than my own bed)

 

I'll be coming home tomorrow.  Will catch up with you all then.  Hope everyone is feeling better, hanging in as best possible.

sue

 

Yay !!!!  :highfive:

 

You are really doing it, so happy to hear it. Even a bike tour, wow ? Did you make any friends or are you keeping away from people  ?

[[No...]]

Green ... so good to hear you are enjoying your holiday ... hope you have a good flight back home ... 

[[No...]]

Sky ... these "clear as a bell" minutes is probably what keeps me going day after day ... I can see and feel the possibility is this process ...

 

Be Well ...

[[Co...]]

Good Morning ... I sure know what the fella who kept pushing that rock up the hill only to have it roll back down again feels like ...

 

And he trudges back down the hill ... and starts pushing it back up again ...

 

I am struggling with the mental stuff these past days ... a severe case of "why bother" ... and the looping thought of "nothing matters" ...

 

Well, guess what silly man ... I matter ... we all matter ...

 

And I did have a glimpse of why this matters a couple of nights ago ... woke up in the middle of the night ... and everything was clear as a bell ... and I just relaxed into that feeling for a few moments, pure joy, and then fell asleep again ... and woke about a couple of hours later and had to push that rock back up the hill again ...

 

So ... another day in paradise ...

 

Be Well ... 

 

.....Nova.  yes. That is exactly how I was nearly every day from the end of March through the end of June. It was so much worse and I was so depleted. My greatest relief was on the days that I literally did not care if I lived or died ( sorry for the dramatic share but that was exactly how I felt)  In the last 10 days or so things are picking up a pattern of good days/not so good days.  The good days are gradually becoming a little longer and brighter, some hours of windows. In those 3 months I was pretty sure the rest of my life was going to be just years and years of misery. ..  Things are improving

......Nova, you are an extrordinary human being.....you matter so much to this world. Your desire to recover and provide on the ground awareness and help to those in your community recovering from benzos is so needed and so worth the unbearable unchanging days when the best we can do is survive.

......I also started having some of those wake ups in the middle of the night in which I felt absolutely normal .  as normal in before benzos...like waking up to a mini window ( instead of a mini panic. ...That happened for me in Feb right before I had a string of 5 window days, and it has happened for me a few times in these last 2 weeks. 

....I am so sorry you are in this wave of ' all that is possible is survival'.. I agree , it comes from absolute weariness of mind, body, spirit and soul. ... I am thinking of you Nova and wishing you some relief from endlessness of this.  Love to you..  coop

[[...]]

It sound as if there is a lot of suffering here, well if there's room can I jump on board with my thick brain fog, head pressure, body tension and scary thoughts that I am about to go mad. It's just so exhausting.

 

Drew, I understand every word of your post. It's the toing and froing; you feel like you are making progress (which we are, every single day) and then off we go again. It will be pure bliss not to be aware of wd ever again. There has never been a set of people who just want to get on with their lives. And that is what keeps us going, we know we are in wd and it will end. I've been reading HH success story and some of her posts and it's all so familiar. Look at her now  and Jenny, dear Jenny  we've all seen her go from such pain and suffering to a total transformation. It's amazing how this can change so quickly.

 

Nova, you handle this so well and we have to hold on to those moments of clarity we get along the way. Soon they will be permanent, we just don't know when, apart from generally this takes around 2 years, give or take. I get that told to me time and time again from people who support people like us day in day out. They know their stuff first hand and when I ask them over and over, are you sure this is wd, I am told over and over, absolutely, no doubt whatsoever.

 

Green, you are on your way. Amazing  If someone sent me on a fabulous holiday at the moment, I could not do it. And are you doing this on your own? Many 'normal' people could not do that.

 

Sky, you are doing great. You don't give yourself enough credit. Teaching a foreign language, moving home, riding your bike. Keep slogging it out.

 

Don't know what everyone's weather is like but it's been hot and humid here and I don't think it helps. the 'normals' are complaining about it draining. Really? Anyway we just had a storm and I decided to lay down as my head was about to explode. Just thought sod it! It was pleasant listening to the rain and thunder. Now I'm trying to function again.

[[No...]]

Coop ... so good to hear things are picking up for you ... I had a humungous 10 window early last August ... hoping for one again ... bottom line, like all of us, I need a break ...

 

I had thought the Summer would be a break ... and it started well and now has returned to a sort of benzo Winter ... and like every season, this too will change ...

 

We are getting better each day, I know this in my bones ... and knowing and being are sometimes very far apart ...

 

Hope you are having a good day ... 

[[No...]]

Marj ... I know the exploding head thing ... yuk ... warm here again today ... so hanging out and letting this day move at its own pace ...

 

Be Well ...

[[Co...]]

Hi Everyone!

 

I'm still in Atlanta and hanging in there.  There are some symptoms but I'm able to ignore them and get on with it.

 

Big thing.  Sleep.  I took Unisom the first night, 1 pill.  Then said to hell with it and took 2.  The Unisom with doxy. And that's what I'm doing, at least until I get home.  It makes a big difference, sleeping in a solid block.  I don't feel so weak and spaced out.  I know better than to think this is the magic bullet, the cure, but it has helped, I'm sleeping by 1-2, and up sort of early, anywhere from 7-10. 

 

I've been keeping busy and enjoying feeling like a normal human being for the first time in a long time.  Getting where I'm going and walking I have down pat.  I tried a bike tour and it was a terrific challenge, barely got through, even with many stops.  Even so, I stay grateful, I'm fully aware of how disabled I've been for so long.  So this is a gift of recovery, being able to function on a little vacation, sleep in a hotel (I had terrible fear about sleeping somewhere other than my own bed)

 

I'll be coming home tomorrow.  Will catch up with you all then.  Hope everyone is feeling better, hanging in as best possible.

sue

 

.....Green....wow!....I think your vacation is a huge jump into better healing. Traveling and seeing in a hotel would have been impossible for you at this time last year..  I think we have all declined physically from this grueling process. My stamina is a lot less than it was last year.

....I wouldn't worry about the Unisom .  I don't think we need to be medication free.  My goal is benzo free. A person can only go so long without sleep.  A big whoop whoop for you, I couldn't do it yet at this point....Yay for you Green....have a great trip home..  thanks so much for the post...it gave us a big shot of hope and encouragement....coop

[[Co...]]

.."knowing and being are so far apart". 

....yep....that says it all...thanks Nova ...

[[Co...]]

I'm going to join the rant today...I'm just tired of it all today.  Not being in a wave just the entirety of this whole f'd up situation.  I mean I'm not having terrible anxiety or panic right now it's more just being tired of not being well.  Even on my "good" days I usually have something bothering me or some benzo horror situation is only a thought away.  I know I do lots of things that others don't but it's rare when I forget about the situation.  It's survive the task/event/meeting and hope the next one is better. I don't look forward to the events and feel relief if they cancel.  It is all consuming.  I guess it's just this far out and much further for most of you we are so over it. 

I don't remember how I felt prebenzo but I sure hope it's better than this.  I fully do expect to get better as time passes though. Everyone ahead of us(not counting horror stories which I must avoid) says so and I know they were just like us. 

Just needed to type this shot out to get my frame of mind back.

 

I was  undecided about dinner tonight because it's hard for me to make plans.  Dine in or eat out. I'd like to make it a game time decision as I never know how I'll feel. Well...she can't stand not knowing the plans(which I get). I tried explaining and then I vented about how long this all is...or tried to...Her quote "I just don't want to hear it".

She believes what I'm saying but she says she doesn't have the bandwidth.  I just love the added bonus of adding relationship discord

 

....Drew, ...rant away...to me it is a coping 'skill' ...and there is a whole group of people here who get it and have endless capacity to listen in ways that our friends and family cant, because they are not going through it.  ...I know the tedious ness of ' getting through it '.  whatever it is.  Not connected or engaged or even clear, but getting through without panic or high octane anxiety or mind numbing d/r. As Nova once said, " It's better, but not better enough"... You are right, it's exhausting.  and discouraging......I hope your day today is better... You are well on your way Drew.  Rant all you want.  coop

[[Co...]]

Marj.  Thanks for the encouraging post.. I think we all needed to hear your words today..Taking a break to listen to the thunder and rain is exactly what we need to do

...I am sorry that your morning was full of intrusive scary thoughts and head pressure. If it was just one sx or even two we could deal.  but the waves just drown us in a swirl of sx . So hard to sort them all out. 

  Wishing you a better evening with some sunbreaks...coop

[[Co...]]

Beulah, I am low and slow with you today.  Like you, I think I did too many happy things yesterday and the day before.  It was worth it....I feel as though I might be sliding toward a wavy afternoon, but so far holding on with the 'slow and low'  Beulah survival playbook. My morning was iffy with some intrusive health fear ( that I was able to distract from), some physical fatigue and burning feet and ankles, and mild depression. ...But none of that can ruin how good the last couple of days have been. Not rocking the boat with pushing against the sx....just going easy.  Hope you are good today Beulah.  coop