12-18 month support

[[...]]

Green,  I believe anxiety to initially be mental and then physical. I'm having a lot of physical right at this moment, however my anxiety is not too high.

 

Last night I was looking at spa breaks in Marrakesh for me and my daughter (not that I could afford it,  it was a nice thought though). Today I limped to work and can barely cook a meal.  Just so unpleasant 

 

Marj, I used to take the brochures of travel agencies and make plans for future trips, it helped me hugely. I would even check the dates and all. I was in acute, but it did help me a lot.

 

You  just brought back some memories.

 

I plan to take many holidays when my bank account has healed from wd ! 

 

Anyway, hang in there. Sorry you are having it so bad today.

 

I am going to bed now.

 

It's been a pleasure, as always reading your posts, we should do this more often.

 

Sweet dreams, if you are able  to sleep, and see you soon, same time, same place. 

 

 

Aww Sky  To be able to go away (to be able to pay for it). Just relax and let go, with no crappy symptoms and a calm mind. If things let up for a bit I can imagine it, even pretend plan it and then at bad times it would be impossible.

 

I was hanging on by the skin of my teeth yeasterday, I made it though. So many tears, I don't recognize myself. And no I didn't sleep, however it's better today, this afternoon............... for now

 

Keep cycling

[[be...]]

Serenity, everything Coop just said about God and religion is where I'm at.

While I have not lost my faith I have lost the ability to be able to connect with anything spiritual..for now, I have gone back and fourth with this for some time.

I was attending church after a year off..but into my second year things started to change..not really feeling connected to anything or anyone spiritual.

 

I do keep the faith that what is lost now..Will return!!

[[Co...]]

Serenity ... hmmm ... I would perhaps not use the word "crisis" ... I might choose to use "adventure" ...

 

And the feeling or sensation for me that seems to be sputtering to life in the background is "waking up" ...

 

After 25 years or so of being drugged and recovering, my sense is that I am waking up ... and it is often a bit Rip Van Winkelish ...

 

I remember my life before the drug ... and I remember what transpired on the drug and through recovery ... sort of ...

 

And as someone else once mentioned ... we have given ourselves the possibility, the gift, of a life without the drug ...

 

And so ... a caution ... for myself, I have learned to not take any significant personal decisions while on the drug and recovering ... I accepted that I am/was in a kind of limbo ... and often not connected to my environment is a healthy way ... that is changing ... my brain seems to be a good deal of the way "back" ... and most importantly, I am beginning to trust my discernment and judgment again ...

 

It all takes time ... and a lot of kindness towards myself ... much of this now feels like a process of "re-collecting" ... a kind of recollection ...

 

Hope this helps a bit ... I have sort of wandered all over the place ... 

 

 

....Nova. ..spot on and beautifully said. ...I see all of what you describe reflected in so many of our posts over the last few weeks..." A waking up".  exactly. For me , in the good hours it is like my spirit is coming back home to settle in my body again.  ..Thank uou Nova for these words of pure hope. I am so absolutely joyous for you that you are feeling the healing....carry on...love to you....coop

[[...]]

Hello everyone,

 

Thank you for asking Nova and it’s good to have you back Coop. 

 

Yesterday the wave turned into a tsunami. I just had so much rage inside me and new as soon as I got up (prized myself out of bed) it was going to be difficult. The anger and rage made me so fearful that it would be so easy to lose it if I didn’t have to hold it together and go to work. That is a huge trouble for me; I don’t like being alone and I hate it. I was always so content in my own company but now it’s like I don’t trust myself to keep my spirits up and I will freak out. Does this familiarise with anyone?

 

As soon as I left work the tears started; honestly I could have filled several buckets recently. Went for a lie down and listened to Belleruth Naparstek (thanks FJ). Later I went to pick up my son from football and he just made a remark that sent my thoughts racing.  That was it, the buckets were overflowing, the thoughts were all negative and I believed I am stuck like this forever. When like this I just berate myself so badly and it worries me what this is doing to my kids; to see me relatively ok the evening before, then to a total wreck the next.

 

I talked to them both to reassure them, calmed and went to bed. Needless to say not much sleep and felt like I had toxins running through my veins in the night.  I’ve perked up today but feel shell shocked and worried, oh and a bit zombiefied.

 

Really don’t want to put a dampener on all your healing.  You are all doing so well

 

[[No...]]

Marj ... you cannot put a damper on my or anyone's healing ... healing is always happening whether we feel it or not in the moment ...

 

Perhaps some of what you are feeling these last few days is your body's reaction to any type of stressor ... and many of us have experienced the same thing ...

 

In the beginning it is very disturbing to be "set off" by the slightest intrusion ... and it gradually gets better ...

 

Some call it the "fainting goat" symptom ... I had it really hard for a while and it has gotten better ... and it is still there sometimes ... all I could do is recognize it, disengage if I could for a while, and then come back ... 

[[Se...]]

Back from the walk.    Perfect sunny day outside.  Heavy breeze.  One of the neighbors hired one of those lawn companies to spray their massive lawn, and as I approached the guy spraying, I could smell something (sense of smell is very keen in waves), so I covered my nose & mouth and gunned it past the place... my lead legs were pumping on this 48-yr. old body that's been sedentary for over a year.    Same thing happened last week; except that neighbor was definitely spraying an herbicide; smelled like roundup or something.  It was wafting into my face with the wind.  Crossed to the other side of the street and ran past then, too.  The by-laws here prohibit this stuff, but, as with everything, there are always the rebels, or the ignorant.  I never used to be so sensitive to all this junk... smells, chemicals, etc., but I know it's very common in benzo w/d.

 

Coop, Nova and Beulah... thank you for replying re:  the spiritual/existential stuff.  Good to know others are journeying down that path and questioning everything as well.  Yes... the thoughts I have about this stuff are now VERY intrusive, especially as I've done a fair amount of spiritual reading/work prior to benzo w/d.  It's as if my poor brain is working overtime to solve the mysteries of the Universe!  Oh, my.  I'll not beat myself up for it, though.  I can't help it, I have to go through it obviously (or else it wouldn't be happening), and it will pass eventually.  Coop, you're right; in a partial window, I don't have these plaguing feelings/thoughts to nearly the insane degree as in waves.

[[Fi...]]

marj--glad you found the Belleruth Naparstek CD helpful.  I do want to point out that there have been plenty of times when I felt so bad, like you did yesterday, that I absolutely couldn't believe her and couldn't listen!  She's definitely not a cure-all, but sometimes when I'd be feeling a little better, listening to her would give me a bit of traction.  I recognize my own healing (and freaking out in the middle of it) in your stories. 

[[...]]

Marj ... you cannot put a damper on my or anyone's healing ... healing is always happening whether we feel it or not in the moment ...

 

Perhaps some of what you are feeling these last few days is your body's reaction to any type of stressor ... and many of us have experienced the same thing ...

 

In the beginning it is very disturbing to be "set off" by the slightest intrusion ... and it gradually gets better ...

 

Some call it the "fainting goat" symptom ... I had it really hard for a while and it has gotten better ... and it is still there sometimes ... all I could do is recognize it, disengage if I could for a while, and then come back ... 

 

Nova, many thanks or your words of wisdom 'glasshopper'    Seriously, your thoughts are comforting and trustworthy.

 

I know I can't really dampen any healing, as even when I/we are freaking out, we are healing. it's just a lot of people on here are making good progress and I don't want to be the damp squid, changing the 'up' tone because I am not there yet.

 

blessings

[[Gr...]]

Hey Green, I'm in Ohio, the land of the Amish.

I love hearing of the breeze blowing in your face, the little things we took for granted before..

This morning the ducks from the pond came quacking at my door, they don't usually come in the summer months because they have plenty of land food around to eat...but they came right up to my door and whacked as if they were just wanting me to see them, I just loved it, like never before!!!

I know after I'm healed I will continue to take it low and slow, just so much to take in that I never before.

Slow down..smell the roses, feel the breeze on my face, look at ducks.

Taking it all in.

 

Wow, your bucket list makes me tired looking at it. You must be young, I'm not...lol.

I think I'm in pretty good shape for getting ready to turn 60. Till this happened I was still swimming, walking, bike riding.

You go girl.

 

Beulah, Ohio, ok, wow, I didn't know the Amish were even in Ohio.  I thought it was Pa.  Makes sense though, a lot of settlers kept going West until they found a place they liked.

 

No, I'm not young, I'm 57, and God only knows what shape I'm in, what I'll be able to do.  I'm realistic, I don't think I'll be able to go as fast as I used to, but I can still do it, lol, just low and slow.  I kept my membership in AMC, American Mountain Club, and they had hikes for all levels, all ages.  Some of the older people were the strongest hikers, they had experience and knew how to pace themselves.  Everything I want to do I know people in their sixties and seventies can do.  Just not as fast

 

But what I really want is what you say, to enjoy the simple things, breezes, ducks at the back door, the smell of flowers, just to feel well again. 

Enjoy the day.

[[Gr...]]

I will be 68 next month ... and my wife retires next June ... so ... them happy days, they are a comin' ...

 

And ... we have all been blessed with this healing ...

 

And for those of us still struggling day to day right now ... it gets better ... and better ... and better ...

 

We are giving ourselves a gift ... and we will get to celebrate and enjoy it ... I promise ... 

 

Nova, I got goose bumps reading this.  Your birthday, wife retiring, starting that new life.  I think as horrible as withdrawal is, the gift is when we start to feel better we are amazingly grateful for simply feeling good, smelling flowers, almost like we died and came back, were given a second chance. 

 

Good posts today.

[[...]]

I'd like to ask... is, or has anyone here undergone a sort of spiritual crisis or awakening during this process?

 

In short, I was raised Catholic, but dropped out of organized religion years ago.  Even declared myself an atheist for a few months (lol).  But now... whoa.  Existentialism Supremo!  All I think about (besides the symptoms) is the Universe, my connection to it, the meaning of our lives, the "afterlife", the complete picture... the way this experience is unfolding and fitting with a higher reason, etc.

 

Serenity, I am much more aware of the Universe too and it's incredible powers. I was brought up Roman Catholic and have always had some sort of faith, however now I feel quite spiritual and use it for ways to cope with losing my Sister and Father very suddenly. I believe they are willing me on to get through this, especially as it was their deaths that brought me to my knees initially. Whenever I am outside, mostly walking and I'm feeling like I don't know how much more I can take this, I see a Robin Redbreast. I can't tell you how many times this has happened, literally every time, they just appear right in my line of vision or I hear a loud bird singing, look up and there he is. On my birthday this year, I was walking on my lunch break as I do every day, I saw 2 together  It just made my day 

 

I pray now and mean it. All those times in Church growing up, it was just words.

 

hugs for you 

[[Gr...]]

Wow, Nova... that's some good healing happening there.  How wonderful to hear!  Here's to all of our respective healing.    Enjoy your day.

 

Still in bed (on laptop) here, with one cat balled up against my right thigh, snoring away.  Ahhh... to be a cat.  'Tis the life.  Ha.

 

Managed to force myself into the shower last night, and washed my hair.  Things had been getting a little... ripe.  I certainly feel better about that now.   

 

Going to go for a walk soon.  Need to do something constructive, even though my motivation to do anything is hovering around zero these days.

 

Onward and upward, I guess.

 

Serenity

 

Ah, Serenity, why is it so hard to get into the shower in withdrawal?  One of the mysteries of the universe.  We may never know, lol.  But I really struggled with that.  Thank goodness I sleep alone!  And for cold northeast winters!

 

Part of healing is in the last month or so I really want to take a shower, really enjoy it.  I can even wash my hair in the shower now at the same time!  (I was splitting that task, showering, and then washing my hair in the sink at another time!)  I'm laughing, but also shaking my head at how unbelievably debilitating this whole thing is. 

 

 

[[Gr...]]

I'd like to ask... is, or has anyone here undergone a sort of spiritual crisis or awakening during this process?

 

In short, I was raised Catholic, but dropped out of organized religion years ago.  Even declared myself an atheist for a few months (lol).  But now... whoa.  Existentialism Supremo!  All I think about (besides the symptoms) is the Universe, my connection to it, the meaning of our lives, the "afterlife", the complete picture... the way this experience is unfolding and fitting with a higher reason, etc.

 

Absolutely!  This experience is so intense it's life changing, it changes us, in good ways, absolutely, real psychic change, maybe change we needed in our lives?  I don't know, it's different for everybody, that change.

  I caught on to that early on, reading the success stories, I would hear how the person's life changed, how the person had changed.  And the more suffering, the greater the psychic change.  You can hear it.  That did not help me much going through withdrawal, though, I still had to crawl through hell. 

 

We're all getting there!

[[Gr...]]

Serenity ... hmmm ... I would perhaps not use the word "crisis" ... I might choose to use "adventure" ...

 

And the feeling or sensation for me that seems to be sputtering to life in the background is "waking up" ...

 

After 25 years or so of being drugged and recovering, my sense is that I am waking up ... and it is often a bit Rip Van Winkelish ...

 

I remember my life before the drug ... and I remember what transpired on the drug and through recovery ... sort of ...

 

And as someone else once mentioned ... we have given ourselves the possibility, the gift, of a life without the drug ...

 

And so ... a caution ... for myself, I have learned to not take any significant personal decisions while on the drug and recovering ... I accepted that I am/was in a kind of limbo ... and often not connected to my environment is a healthy way ... that is changing ... my brain seems to be a good deal of the way "back" ... and most importantly, I am beginning to trust my discernment and judgment again ...

 

It all takes time ... and a lot of kindness towards myself ... much of this now feels like a process of "re-collecting" ... a kind of recollection ...

 

Hope this helps a bit ... I have sort of wandered all over the place ... 

 

Nova, very well said.

[[Co...]]

What IS it with the fear of the bath and showe.. it seems to be a universal sx across the board....At 19.5 months out I still get bouts of it in a wave. I can't figure out what I am afraid of ...what I think is going to happen to me while soaking in a nice hot lavender Epsome salts bath.......it's not funny at all, but I have these visions of all of us in various bath modes.  Bird Baths at the sink, washcloth baths...spritzes...no baths until we can't stand it...in and out like a flash showers.....

...at least we are cleaning up once in awhile ...

...here's to a full 30 minute hot shower some day soon....coop

[[Gr...]]

Good afternoon, everyone!

 

I'm channeling Nova with symptoms, things still percolate, but overall there's healing and I can feel it.  Except there's always that one symptom, that but for this I wouldn't feel half bad (remember the health fear, Coop?)  and for me that's bad insomnia.  I'm falling asleep each day at daylight, and it's been going on for so long now, I'm starting to dread the night, bedtime is again that stressful time when I have to negotiate should I tuck in a 2, or is that too early, better to wait for 3-4?

 

I'm fortunate because I'm able to catch a few hours once the sky lightens.  But I'm waking up at 11, 12, 1, and half the day is gone.

 

Just kvetching a little, as they say in NYC.  Otherwise, doing better, fighting to get that walk in, and truly believing healing is happening.

 

Coop, Nova, Beulah, Jenny, you all sound really good. 

Have a wonderful day, everyone.

[[Se...]]

How is everyone's diet?  Mine is not the best.  I'm feeling the next step for me here will be some dietary improvement.  No radical change, though, and no "dieting".  I do the green smoothies every day, and that's likely saving me in this area, but I'll often find myself gobbling down a chocolate bar from time to time because I'm so hungry but can't find anything healthier to eat.  I can't tell you all how many fast-food meals and restaurant food my family and I have eaten in the past year. 

 

I sure wish I could hire a live-in cook right now.  But since that isn't happening, I'm struggling with making meals... making meals for me is like taking a shower.  Extremely challenging.  I just cannot seem to do it.  To be honest, I've never enjoyed it, so the dislike is exaggerated now.  Husband doesn't really cook, either.  Kids make their own stuff a lot (soups, sandwiches, cereal.)  It's far from ideal.

 

Ideas?  Thanks.     

[[Mi...]]

This is the best post I have ever read.  Almost made me tear up.  As you might remember one day I felt this exact same way for a couple hours, it was beyond words.  I believe I described it as feeling almost god-like as I was running my errands.  I couldn't take in enough of the world and people around me.  Enough about me, read this if you haven't already.

 

(By FLIPRAIN)

 

I'm moving some of my last progress log post here for encouragement....

 

30 months after taper...

 

I no longer count days and only note it in months because it shows up as a monthly repeating event on my calendar. Sometimes I feel hesitant to come here and write. So many people continue to suffer and it feels like a I dishonor them by saying I feel well. It is not my intention. Still, telling the truth remains my unshakable intention.

 

I have been in a place of near magic lately. Somewhere I read an account of someone having a spiritual experience and he called it a thin place as in the space between being human and being spiritual is gossamer thin. I remember a couple of years ago when I entered therapy Dr. BB asked me what my goals were and I said I wanted to love life before I died. Well, I do. Love life. It's the oddest thing. It has practically no connection to events or things. It is about people and relationships and how I feel in the world. I feel an ease inside my skin that I think I have not felt since pre-adolescence. Things feel right and on purpose.

 

Today I walked my neighborhood mile twice just because it felt so great to do it. It felt great physically, mentally and emotionally.  I feel  healthy and flexible and alive. Yesterday I was stuck in traffic and I didn't care. I felt interested in the mechanics of it and completely removed from the inconvenience. I feel patient and present. I do not remember being any happier in my life.

 

Maybe life brings us all to our knees in order to heal us. My knee bending episode happened to be benzo illness. At least one of them. Without it, I'm not sure I would have stopped my headlong dash that was largely unconscious in its direction. I was living life happily most of the time, but it was missing a level of awareness that I now have. Maybe age itself would have brought that awareness, but I doubt it.

 

The big things that are different for me are that I have come to expect and accept loss as a normal part of life, including my own decline and death; I feel safe in the world for the first time ever; I feel like I am not alone, and I feel like there is purpose in things that happen. I feel like the world is bright for me according to my perception at the time, and lately I have been given these gifts of seeing those thin places and feeling so hopeful.

 

Sometimes the tinnitus is very faint. Sometimes it is a low whine. Sometimes it's a hiss. It's only on the right side. That's where I often get a headache, right in that space between my ear and my eye. It's there right now, the hiss and the headache. These things keep me grounded and I do not resent them. They remind me. They remind me of where I used to be and I feel such profound gratitude that I want to whisper so as not to disturb fate and draw attention to myself.

 

I am at the oasis. I wish I could come back and bring water to all of you who are still traveling. I wish I could come back and walk a few miles for you, carry you, even. I wish I could walk along side you and murmur low words of hope and encouragement that it does get so much better, that the colors are brighter and the air is sweeter and sometimes even this 60 year old body wants to skip or run or dance or throw itself on its backside in the grass and find shapes in the clouds and giggle with awe. There is ease ahead. There is rest.

[[dr...]]

yeah mike....it's a wonderful thing when we all get flashes of being in the flow with things....I have had a good run of about a week with several of the days being effortless.  going to and fro to all types of things such as work, restaurants, rehearsal, etc...and experiencing no anxiety.  I mean none!  Today I Had a bit for maybe thirty minutes and I just sat with it until it passed.  My DR is gone and no headaches for now.  What a difference having no DR makes!  Hoping this continues.  It was amazing that I didn't even have the urge to check on BBs.  I am usually checking on twenty times a day and I went several days which was a record. 

My sleep has been very poor as usual.  I fall asleep within ten minutes but wake up many times throughout the night.  On Wednesday I took a 1/2 unisom(take maybe once a month when I got super exhausted) to just get a good night.  I slept 8.5 hours which I haven't done since taper time.  I woke up feeling refreshed and with energy!  I have only experienced that maybe a handful of times that I can remember in my life.  I know eventually that will be the norm without any unis om for me and I look forward to the day.  Great sleep is usually the last to return.

 

Some good news on healing here which I am overjoyed to read.   

[[je...]]

Good morning Nova

You are sounding really good, and I'm happy to hear you are seeing some improvements.. This is such a long process, longer than any of us thought, but we are getting there slowly but surely. Jenny

 

......Hi Jenny....really nice to see you this morning....you sound GOOD....Are you still holding at a very good place?..After your vacation I thought you sounded like you turned a definite corner....thinking of you....have the best day....coop

 

 

Hi Coop,

Yes I think my baseline is still holding. I felt so good yesterday that I actually felt healed-- my brain felt clear , and I felt like my  old self..  Something felt different yesterday, like it wasn't a window-- I actually felt healed--. Today, Im still dealing with head/sinus pressure and light headedness, I don't have any anxiety though  so that is good. Coop you are sounding much better too, how is the anxiety? Thinking of you, jenny

[[Co...]]

Good morning Nova

You are sounding really good, and I'm happy to hear you are seeing some improvements.. This is such a long process, longer than any of us thought, but we are getting there slowly but surely. Jenny

 

......Hi Jenny....really nice to see you this morning....you sound GOOD....Are you still holding at a very good place?..After your vacation I thought you sounded like you turned a definite corner....thinking of you....have the best day....coop

 

 

Hi Coop,6

Yes I think my baseline is still holding. I felt so good yesterday that I actually felt healed-- my brain felt clear , and I felt like my  old self..  Something felt different yesterday, like it wasn't a window-- I actually felt healed--. Today, Im still dealing with head/sinus pressure and light headedness, I don't have any anxiety though  so that is good. Coop you are sounding much better too, how is the anxiety? Thinking of you, jenny

 

Jenny.  That is wonderful!  I am so happy to hear this. I have been getting glimpses of that exact same feeling... like it more permanent and more my old self than a window.. There are a lot of us going in this direction..  Jenny,you have been through hell, you so deserve this.

  .I am still up and down....but the good is so much better than the usual 'good'..  No health fears in the good.. or at least only whispers of health fear. The bad is still awful, but I can almost count on at least part of each day being better. I seem to have an every other day good/pattern like Sky's.

... It is just wonderful to see people on this thread moving into healed lives... .so happy for you.....coop

[[je...]]

Coop,

We are all getting there, I think by the 2 year mark we will all see big improvement. It's crazy how just a few weeks ago I thought I was never going to get better-- I think the up and down is wat is so incredibly hard. Love ya, Jenny

 

 

Does anyone know what vitamin or food we are deficient in if we are getting lots of bruises? The last month I'm just covered in bruises everywhere.. I thought it was potassium, but I eat a banana everyday, maybe I need more. Thanks buddies, jenny

[[dr...]]

Vitamin C can be it.  Have to perform soon. Sorry to be brief.

[[mr...]]

Jenny,

 

I had a time period where I was bruising easy in withdrawal! It has stopped recently. Although, I don't know if I was just bruising easier, or if I was just clumsy from brain fog & boatiness

 

So glad to see you feeling better!! Healing is so much closer than we realize

 

Mrs.

[[Sk...]]

Coop,

We are all getting there, I think by the 2 year mark we will all see big improvement. It's crazy how just a few weeks ago I thought I was never going to get better-- I think the up and down is wat is so incredibly hard. Love ya, Jenny

 

 

Does anyone know what vitamin or food we are deficient in if we are getting lots of bruises? The last month I'm just covered in bruises everywhere.. I thought it was potassium, but I eat a banana everyday, maybe I need more. Thanks buddies, jenny

 

Jenny, so glad to hear you are feeling better.

 

About bruises, I think it's just our body healing. I had the same thing in tolerance. So, I think it's just a matter of time before we see improvement there too.

 

BUt I am curious about others using some supplement to limit the damage.

 

Way to go girl !