12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Well ... did an hour and half walk and only 16 pseudo face plants ... 

 

Tough sledding this week after a good week of walking last week ... oh well ... it is summer at 1:38 PM this Sunday here in Halifax ... might be delayed elsewhere or already shown up ... 

 

As Ms Beulah says ... slow and easy until we land on Planet Healed ... 

[[Se...]]

Hi, FJ.

 

I appreciate the support, as always.  I do have to work on forgiveness.  Mainly, forgiveness toward myself, for getting myself here, and forgiveness toward others as well, who have probably assisted in getting me here.  I'll check out Belleruth Naparstek's anger & forgiveness affirmations.

 

Yes; gardens are healing.  I've planted mine from scratch, after a hurricane ten years ago that levelled all the trees on our property.  I told my therapist last week that I have my healing "trifecta" (after she asked me what my main anchors in recovery were.)  My garden, my reading material (positive books on healing) and my two cats.  Of course there are more things, but I consider those my most outstanding and non-judgemental.  My wonderful family, of course, is another anchor, although they are stressors, too; that's double-edged and more complex.

 

Glad you're continuing to heal and do so well.

 

Serenity

[[Fi...]]

Serenity--I agree--families are double-edged swords in this!

 

My trifecta for healing (when I can manage it) is jumping on my trampoline in the early morning sunshine while listening to positive affirmations!  Better go do that now!!!!

 

Wow, so sorry you had all your trees flattened by a hurricane. 

[[Se...]]

Serenity,

 

Reading your post, I could have written it myself. I understand everything you have said. I also like to garden when I can manage it and also get carried away when I feel a bit better. Pegging washing out, yep, with you on that one too, it's uncanny. We have to keep doing it, others have made it through this and we can too. We have done a year, me a bit longer and it WILL end, we will have our lives back   

 

The rage and depression is another, this morning I could have smashed everything in sight. I think it's frustration as you get a bit of relief only for it to just show up again the next day. Acceptance is very hard at times like this. I've just been for a walk and feel a little better, although totally exhausted I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Your tips are excellent and I am taking note. We can do this

 

Dear marj:  I am glad you can identify... I know it counts for much in this process... that others are going through it the same as you and feel similarly, because they are and they do.  We are NOT alone in this! 

 

If anyone cares for the recipe of this "mighty kale" (the "Jugo Juice" franchise recipe), here it is.  It's challenging for me to eat well all the time, so I'm hoping the daily green smoothie makes up for that  :

 

- 1 cup fresh spinach

- 1 cup fresh kale

- 1 cup frozen pineapple

- 1 cup frozen mango

- 1/2 cup orange juice

- 1/2 cup apple juice

 

Add all juice to blender.  Add fresh ingredients (spinach & kale), blend until smooth.  Add frozen ingredients, blend until smooth.

 

This concoction is terrific.  My whole family is addicted! 

 

Have to head out to pick up spouse.

 

Love & peace to all,

Serenity 

[[Gr...]]

marj--I feel bad for you.  I remember things like what you've just gone through feeling like it had just pushed me over the edge.    As healing went on, I realized I was probably heading for a wave anyway when those things happened, and it wasn't actually circumstances and other people who were flipping me out.  Your brain just can't handle stress like this the way it would have in the past...and will in the future!  As you get well you'll start noticing times when you'll thinking--hey, wait, wouldn't that have flipped me out six months ago?  I'm sure you're already trying to avoid stress as much as possible,  right?  But we don't get to tick off "Dishwasher won't break" on some kind of a checklist as we proceed in healing. 

 

Finally, you are sounding so good!!!! I was reading a post you made earlier about the mental vs the physical...that's where I'm at in my healing. The little bit of mental that I have left is nothing compared to the physical. I could easily write my success story if based only on the mental.

 

The physical is holding me back..but I'm still encouraged by all of the positive posts lately.

Keep healing!!!!

 

And I could write mine if based only on the physical symptoms ! 

 

Hey Sky, my first withdrawal I had very little nerve pain..mostly mental.

 

I didn't know you're in Italy. If I could visit anywhere in the world that's where I would love to go.

Have you lived there all your life?

 

Most of it.

 

Today my anxiety is off the charts !! I can't wait for tomorrow. My bad day has officiallly  become better than my good day ! 

 

I feel like someone very strong is squeezing my chest and stomach, it's awful, I had rather have vibrations and palps  at this point !!

 

And when I have high anxiety, my intelligence, what is left of it, is impaired.

 

Oh well, this too shall pass.

 

So is anxiety a physical or a mental symptom?  We're told it's mental, but it sure does kick the hell out of our bodies?

[[Gr...]]

marj--I feel bad for you.  I remember things like what you've just gone through feeling like it had just pushed me over the edge.    As healing went on, I realized I was probably heading for a wave anyway when those things happened, and it wasn't actually circumstances and other people who were flipping me out.  Your brain just can't handle stress like this the way it would have in the past...and will in the future!  As you get well you'll start noticing times when you'll thinking--hey, wait, wouldn't that have flipped me out six months ago?  I'm sure you're already trying to avoid stress as much as possible,  right?  But we don't get to tick off "Dishwasher won't break" on some kind of a checklist as we proceed in healing. 

 

Finally, you are sounding so good!!!! I was reading a post you made earlier about the mental vs the physical...that's where I'm at in my healing. The little bit of mental that I have left is nothing compared to the physical. I could easily write my success story if based only on the mental.

 

The physical is holding me back..but I'm still encouraged by all of the positive posts lately.

Keep healing!!!!

 

And I could write mine if based only on the physical symptoms ! 

 

Hey Sky, my first withdrawal I had very little nerve pain..mostly mental.

 

I didn't know you're in Italy. If I could visit anywhere in the world that's where I would love to go.

Have you lived there all your life?

 

Most of it.

 

Today my anxiety is off the charts !! I can't wait for tomorrow. My bad day has officiallly  become better than my good day ! 

 

I feel like someone very strong is squeezing my chest and stomach, it's awful, I had rather have vibrations and palps  at this point !!

 

And when I have high anxiety, my intelligence, what is left of it, is impaired.

 

Oh well, this too shall pass.

 

Sorry Sky, the anxiety is rough. I use to have the chest squeezing , I still have it in my stomach..had it so bad yesterday I couldn't hardly eat...today it's gone.

I always say " if this symptom would leave I could deal with the others," well it leaves and I say the same thing.

Hope your good day is not your bad day.  Keep healing.

Beulah, I didn't have the words to describe that! Stomach squeezing.  A very uncomfortable symptom.  Yes, I get it, and I find it very disturbing, beyond being physically uncomfortable.  I guess this ain't over 'til it's over.  I guess it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings!

[[Gr...]]

5

Beulah.  Yay for waves that go away overnight. ...Eggs and bacon. ...eat up friend...You sound good Beulah.  More and more you sound good.  Thank you for shining a light...I am trying to follow..  Sending you hopes for big sunbreaks in the rain... .coop

Yes Coop, I will continue to shine the light..don't get lost in the darkness.

You are getting there my friend...just very slowly.

 

🎶🎶 This little light of mine🎶 I'm gonna let it shine🎶

 

.....Thanks  Beulah....your light is bright..  2 more blocks of windows today. I went wedding shopping with my daughter and had lunch with her and my ex...I had a wonderful time!.  I was clear, present and engaged....and HUNGRY. We had so much fun...I am home.  and still feeling good.  I know I will be back in the pumpkin instead of the carriage at any time.. but I am taking this and running with it. I felt...and do still feel 85% my old self....sort of unsettling in a way.  I don't quite know what do with the rest of my very good day...puttering in the house and watching The Waltons are completely boring to me today....thank you Beulah....We are all looking so much better.. coop

 

Coop, so glad to hear you're having a good day.  and I'm still chuckling with my pumpkin carriage visual.  I have to avoid the rats pulling that pumpkin because that's one of my intrusive scary thoughts visuals, lol!

[[Gr...]]

Green ... yep it is coming ... and it is hard slogging through today's mud when you can see the sunshine just over the hill ... 

 

Nova, how is that flu?

 

[[Gr...]]

Well ... did an hour and half walk and only 16 pseudo face plants ... 

 

Tough sledding this week after a good week of walking last week ... oh well ... it is summer at 1:38 PM this Sunday here in Halifax ... might be delayed elsewhere or already shown up ... 

 

As Ms Beulah says ... slow and easy until we land on Planet Healed ... 

 

But you're still out there.  Not going as long and hard as you'd like, as you know you can, but you're still out there.  That's healing.  What you said, that window that does not close completely.

[[Gr...]]

Nova, I relate to where you're at.  I'm not feeling great, but I'm plugging away.  the window has not totally closed.  Have a nice walk, and I will try to do the same. 

 

The rain finally stopped, and it's a beautiful day.  I was standing by the sink, and there was a breeze coming in from the open window, and I was realizing how long it's been since I felt pleasure from something as simple as a cool breeze touching my face.  That sounds so crazy.  It makes me think there are so many levels, so many things that are wrong or missing in withdrawal, I that can't even begin to explain what's wrong, or what's missing, so many basic things we take for granted.  and when they start to come back, it's a miracle.

Have a wonderful day, everyone

Coop, you have the best day ever!

[[No...]]

Green ... for me anxiety is physical ... and there is always the thought that everything is physical ... my brain is in my body ... anyway ... keep the window open and smell the breezes ...

 

Lilacs and azaleas and rhododendrons are all in bloom here ... wonderful ... 

[[Se...]]

The rain finally stopped, and it's a beautiful day.  I was standing by the sink, and there was a breeze coming in from the open window, and I was realizing how long it's been since I felt pleasure from something as simple as a cool breeze touching my face.  That sounds so crazy.  It makes me think there are so many levels, so many things that are wrong or missing in withdrawal, I that can't even begin to explain what's wrong, or what's missing, so many basic things we take for granted.  and when they start to come back, it's a miracle.

Have a wonderful day, everyone

 

WOW.  That really touched me, GreenIce.  Esp. about there being "so many levels, so many things that are wrong or missing in withdrawal..." that you don't even know are missing until they come back.  Wonderfully put.  Our brains have a lot of connections to rebuild and restore... millions (billions?) upon millions.  I'm no scientist, but think about it... multi-layered, multi-pronged, systemic healing and re-growth.  That's a lot of work!  No wonder this takes so freaking long. 

 

For me, when my bare feet landed upon a friend's soft, woolen area rug a while back, I nearly started crying at the wonderful sensation of the snuggly rug under my feet.  I realized it was kind of like returning to toddlerhood and having to re-learn the essential, basic perceptual joys in life all over again. 

[[...]]

Green,  I believe anxiety to initially be mental and then physical. I'm having a lot of physical right at this moment, however my anxiety is not too high.

 

Last night I was looking at spa breaks in Marrakesh for me and my daughter (not that I could afford it,  it was a nice thought though). Today I limped to work and can barely cook a meal.  Just so unpleasant 

[[Sk...]]

Hi, all.  Sitting here, after getting kids off to school on the bus (an excruciating task 1st thing in the morning!) and putting a line of laundry out... and wondering why these things seem so much harder now, at nearly a year off, than they did at three months, and then again at the 5-6 mo. mark.  I know healing is anything but linear, but just "wow".  The only difference between now and acute seems to be that I can walk now, am not hallucinating heavily (as far as I can tell) and I'm not having night sweats that soak the bed.  Otherwise... the difference is negligible.  The depression is sinister.  It is telling me some awful things.  Sometimes I manage to talk back to it.

 

Things I'm now doing to try and help myself:  Don't push it.  I gardened heavily three weeks ago, and that may (who knows) have contributed to this wave.  I didn't feel much better by gardening; I just wanted to distract, but it became obsessive and I did too much, I think.  It is a very fine line to be walked at this perilous stage, and I don't really think there IS any real balance.  We just need to put in more time and heal more.  Drink a big green smoothie every day.  This is easy because I'm addicted to them.  They're delicious and nutritious.    Sleep as much as I can.  I am grateful that I can sleep, so I'm taking full advantage.  Try to change the negative thoughts to positive ones; talk back to them.  It seems impossible, but sometimes I am successful... for a few moments.  Take a warm bath when I'm desperate.  The heat and water seems to help; the baths were a lifesaver in acute.  They are again helping me get through the day.  Read, read, and read some more.  Positive stuff only.  Lots of favorite authors... Louise Hay, Pema Chödrön, Caroline Myss, Tsultrim Allione.  If it feeds my spirit with positivity, it's in.  I allow myself ONLY the positive.

 

There's other stuff, too.  I can't recall it.  I used to walk more, but walking is hard right now.  I get easily winded and fatigued, and legs/feet feel like lead.  The rage and depression (seems they are two sides of the same coin) are back again and I have to watch what I say to family members (esp. the kids).  If I feel I'm going to say something I'll regret, I leave the scene promptly and isolate.  If I need to take a drive in the car to get away, I do.

 

I do sense that I might be in for at least another year of this, but I try not to obsess over timelines.  It's really hard, though.  You all know what I mean.  Don't feel I will ever be "me" again because it's as if I'm living on Mars and am not even human many days.  I don't know what or who I am.  Just hanging on to what the healed folks always say, that we do heal eventually.

 

Good healing to all.

Serenity 

 

Serenity, great  list.

 

About the gardening, I have to say that I am avoiding household chores for this reason, I become manic, obsessive and overdo it.

 

 

[[Sk...]]

Green ... yep it is coming ... and it is hard slogging through today's mud when you can see the sunshine just over the hill ... 

 

I am reposting this, it's how I feel today. 

 

And walking, even biking was very hard, I felt so weak, I was not so sure I could make it back.

[[Sk...]]

Hi, FJ.

 

I appreciate the support, as always.  I do have to work on forgiveness.  Mainly, forgiveness toward myself, for getting myself here, and forgiveness toward others as well, who have probably assisted in getting me here.  I'll check out Belleruth Naparstek's anger & forgiveness affirmations.

 

Yes; gardens are healing.  I've planted mine from scratch, after a hurricane ten years ago that levelled all the trees on our property.  I told my therapist last week that I have my healing "trifecta" (after she asked me what my main anchors in recovery were.)  My garden, my reading material (positive books on healing) and my two cats.  Of course there are more things, but I consider those my most outstanding and non-judgemental.  My wonderful family, of course, is another anchor, although they are stressors, too; that's double-edged and more complex.

 

Glad you're continuing to heal and do so well.

 

Serenity

 

A garden and two cats ? It sounds like you have your back covered then !  Seriously, you are very lucky to have these anchors, you will be fine.

[[Sk...]]

marj--I feel bad for you.  I remember things like what you've just gone through feeling like it had just pushed me over the edge.    As healing went on, I realized I was probably heading for a wave anyway when those things happened, and it wasn't actually circumstances and other people who were flipping me out.  Your brain just can't handle stress like this the way it would have in the past...and will in the future!  As you get well you'll start noticing times when you'll thinking--hey, wait, wouldn't that have flipped me out six months ago?  I'm sure you're already trying to avoid stress as much as possible,  right?  But we don't get to tick off "Dishwasher won't break" on some kind of a checklist as we proceed in healing. 

 

Finally, you are sounding so good!!!! I was reading a post you made earlier about the mental vs the physical...that's where I'm at in my healing. The little bit of mental that I have left is nothing compared to the physical. I could easily write my success story if based only on the mental.

 

The physical is holding me back..but I'm still encouraged by all of the positive posts lately.

Keep healing!!!!

 

And I could write mine if based only on the physical symptoms ! 

 

Hey Sky, my first withdrawal I had very little nerve pain..mostly mental.

 

I didn't know you're in Italy. If I could visit anywhere in the world that's where I would love to go.

Have you lived there all your life?

 

Most of it.

 

Today my anxiety is off the charts !! I can't wait for tomorrow. My bad day has officiallly  become better than my good day ! 

 

I feel like someone very strong is squeezing my chest and stomach, it's awful, I had rather have vibrations and palps  at this point !!

 

And when I have high anxiety, my intelligence, what is left of it, is impaired.

 

Oh well, this too shall pass.

 

So is anxiety a physical or a mental symptom?  We're told it's mental, but it sure does kick the hell out of our bodies?

 

Sue, I think you are on to something.

 

Anyway, I  my anxiety is just there and just as suddenly it goes away. Meditations or self talk don't affect it, it does not seem to come from the mind. But then, it softens a little if I take my bike but the minute I stop, it catches up.

 

I am stumped on this one.

 

Very confusing.

 

And in the last days, my legs have been feeling like stone, everything was so hard. Uff, I will finish reading the thread and then go to bed. Can't wait to get this day done and over with.

 

As Nova says, another day in the books. 

[[Sk...]]

Nova, I relate to where you're at.  I'm not feeling great, but I'm plugging away.  the window has not totally closed.  Have a nice walk, and I will try to do the same. 

 

The rain finally stopped, and it's a beautiful day.  I was standing by the sink, and there was a breeze coming in from the open window, and I was realizing how long it's been since I felt pleasure from something as simple as a cool breeze touching my face.  That sounds so crazy.  It makes me think there are so many levels, so many things that are wrong or missing in withdrawal, I that can't even begin to explain what's wrong, or what's missing, so many basic things we take for granted.  and when they start to come back, it's a miracle.

Have a wonderful day, everyone

Coop, you have the best day ever!

 

I was thinking this myself yesterday. If I felt better, I would be able to add something to the sentiment, but that is not the case, it's not even humanly possible for me at the moment.

 

So, I will just say I  totally agree with you !

[[Sk...]]

Green ... for me anxiety is physical ... and there is always the thought that everything is physical ... my brain is in my body ... anyway ... keep the window open and smell the breezes ...

 

Lilacs and azaleas and rhododendrons are all in bloom here ... wonderful ... 

 

Just the other day, in the street behind my house, there has been  this smell of pollen in the air, and it was just mind blowing.

 

And now, I am noticing them and  funny thing, it's rubbing off on mr Sky too and he is seeing the nice things through my eyes and noticing these things too and appreciating them as well.

 

Just as long as the bad things  of wd don't rub off on him as well. 

[[Sk...]]

Green,  I believe anxiety to initially be mental and then physical. I'm having a lot of physical right at this moment, however my anxiety is not too high.

 

Last night I was looking at spa breaks in Marrakesh for me and my daughter (not that I could afford it,  it was a nice thought though). Today I limped to work and can barely cook a meal.  Just so unpleasant 

 

Marj, I used to take the brochures of travel agencies and make plans for future trips, it helped me hugely. I would even check the dates and all. I was in acute, but it did help me a lot.

 

You  just brought back some memories.

 

I plan to take many holidays when my bank account has healed from wd ! 

 

Anyway, hang in there. Sorry you are having it so bad today.

 

I am going to bed now.

 

It's been a pleasure, as always reading your posts, we should do this more often.

 

Sweet dreams, if you are able  to sleep, and see you soon, same time, same place. 

[[be...]]

Ok, I've been busy today, working on building an Ark....rain rain go away.

We've had four days of steady rain and not a sun ray in sight.

Got a lot of flooding going on around here, a lot of people's gardens flushed from the ground.

 

Curious minds want to know.

 

If you woke up healed in the morning what would you spend the day doing?

 

I will go first

 

The very first thing I would do is jump in the car and go driving, the radio playing and the wind blowing my hair.

Then I would visit my family and friends.

Go eat whatever I wanted till I was stuffed..oh no ..I take that back..I would save room for dessert.

Take a long nap

Have my hair done

Ok, I'm putting it out there..I would have SEX 

A good night's sleep with snoring!!!!!

 

[[Gr...]]

Green ... for me anxiety is physical ... and there is always the thought that everything is physical ... my brain is in my body ... anyway ... keep the window open and smell the breezes ...

 

Lilacs and azaleas and rhododendrons are all in bloom here ... wonderful ... 

 

Nova, I agree, mind, body, major connection.

 

Yes, the blooms, and everything is green, green, green after all the rain.

[[Gr...]]

The rain finally stopped, and it's a beautiful day.  I was standing by the sink, and there was a breeze coming in from the open window, and I was realizing how long it's been since I felt pleasure from something as simple as a cool breeze touching my face.  That sounds so crazy.  It makes me think there are so many levels, so many things that are wrong or missing in withdrawal, I that can't even begin to explain what's wrong, or what's missing, so many basic things we take for granted.  and when they start to come back, it's a miracle.

Have a wonderful day, everyone

 

WOW.  That really touched me, GreenIce.  Esp. about there being "so many levels, so many things that are wrong or missing in withdrawal..." that you don't even know are missing until they come back.  Wonderfully put.  Our brains have a lot of connections to rebuild and restore... millions (billions?) upon millions.  I'm no scientist, but think about it... multi-layered, multi-pronged, systemic healing and re-growth.  That's a lot of work!  No wonder this takes so freaking long. 

 

For me, when my bare feet landed upon a friend's soft, woolen area rug a while back, I nearly started crying at the wonderful sensation of the snuggly rug under my feet.  I realized it was kind of like returning to toddlerhood and having to re-learn the essential, basic perceptual joys in life all over again.

 

Yes, Serenity, the human brain is such a marvel, isn't it?  After being so sick and so broken, I thought it was forever, that as I start to heal, feeling breezes and soft woolen rugs, it truly is a miracle, the plasticity of the brain, its ability to heal itself.  And each one of us here on this site, healing, we're all miracles.

[[Gr...]]

Green,  I believe anxiety to initially be mental and then physical. I'm having a lot of physical right at this moment, however my anxiety is not too high.

 

Last night I was looking at spa breaks in Marrakesh for me and my daughter (not that I could afford it,  it was a nice thought though). Today I limped to work and can barely cook a meal.  Just so unpleasant 

 

Marj, you're getting there.  I checked your signature.  16?  There's major, major healing between 18-20, for many.  I've heard a lot of people say it, and it's been my experience.

 

When you start to heal, just sitting in the sun, healed, will be better than any vacation, better than a million dollars.  Just you wait.

[[Gr...]]

Ok, I've been busy today, working on building an Ark....rain rain go away.

We've had four days of steady rain and not a sun ray in sight.

Got a lot of flooding going on around here, a lot of people's gardens flushed from the ground.

 

Curious minds want to know.

 

If you woke up healed in the morning what would you spend the day doing?

 

I will go first

 

The very first thing I would do is jump in the car and go driving, the radio playing and the wind blowing my hair.

Then I would visit my family and friends.

Go eat whatever I wanted till I was stuffed..oh no ..I take that back..I would save room for dessert.

Take a long nap

Have my hair done

Ok, I'm putting it out there..I would have SEX 

A good night's sleep with snoring!!!!!

 

Beulah, I love your when I'm healed bucket list!

 

I have to think about mine.  I'm still very excited about my little "summer breeze."

 

You're northeast?  You mention Lancaster sometimes.  I'm Staten Island.  And, yes, there's been a ridiculous amount of rain.

 

Things I want to do when I'm healed.

I want to hike.  I want to drive to the mountains, wear my hiking boots, and go on an all day, sweaty hike. I want to climb, go up and down, and sweat a lot.

 

I want to swim laps at the Y.

 

I want to take a strenuous yoga class.

 

I want to take a spin bike class.

 

Thing is, I'm 10 years older and somewhat fatter than I used to be, lol.  But, baby, I know I'm still strong!!  Yes, Nova, we can still go, go, go!