12-18 month support

[[Si...]]

Just dropping in the say hi. Haven't been on much in a few days. Glad you had a window Coop! You totally deserve it.

[[dr...]]

Fantastic news coop!  Enjoy your window. 

 

I just logged on to see what's up w everyone but didn't feel the "need" to log on. I've had two days of terrible sleep but I had no other symptoms that usually come with poor sleep.  Just a bit of tingling and other stuff.  I was expecting to be hit w anxiety and all the other stuff.  Nope... Just tired as expected and still did my 3.5 mile hike.

 

Didn't read back too far but hope everyone is ok.

[[Mi...]]

COOP!!!!!! 

[[Gr...]]

Green and Beulah.  Happy to hear that your better days are holding.  The house cleaning thing is a cunundrum...I cling to my little routine of straightening, fussing, dusting, sweeping etc etc. .I think I feel like if I am moving my body and clinging to my Groundhog Day routine I must be ok.  It's also something I can do without a functioning mind.  . Yet I would be totally unable to put anything in the garden or go to a play.  I still have a hard time sitting in a movie.. or even sitting long enough for having dinner with friends.  Once I get through my little routine I am lost.  Having said that though, I am doing more simple simple things like shopping with my daughter.  God, I sound like I am recovering from a brain injury and am learning the basics of rehabilitative life.. oh, yeah...I am. 

  ...Planting the garden and going into the city to see some shows are so generative.  Way more meaningful than making the bed and cleaning the oven..

    Green.  Yes, the anxiety is , imo, one of the worst sx.  You just can't get away from it .. it's so physical and mental at the same time.  I am really glad it's letting up for you.

    I definitely think we are all sounding on the upswing.  Hoping hoping that it holds for everyone.  coop

 

Coop, I agree, the anxiety is probably the worst.  They're all bad when the volume is turned up, but max volume intense anxiety is the worst one.

 

I'm so glad you're getting a little break.  I've got a good feeling, Coop, for all of us.

[[Gr...]]

Beulah.  Yay for waves that go away overnight. ...Eggs and bacon. ...eat up friend...You sound good Beulah.  More and more you sound good.  Thank you for shining a light...I am trying to follow..  Sending you hopes for big sunbreaks in the rain... .coop

 

Beulah, you do sound good, very good.  Eggs and bacon.

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning Folks ... woke up with what I can only call the "flu" this morning ... yuk ... dizzy and wonky ... tried to go for a walk ... took the bus home ... those four bananas weighted about 20 pounds, or so they felt ... 

 

Another day in the salt mines ...

 

Yep, another go slow, quiet day ... gonna start raining and then maybe a storm later today ... whoopee ...

 

Have a good one everybody ... 

 

Nova, yes, the bad days still pack quite a punch.  I woke up lousy today, too.  It burned off by midday. It's hard to get a really bad day when we've had a taste of good days, of days where we feel like our old selves, feel strong and healthy.  It's coming, Nova, it's coming.

[[Gr...]]

Hi guys,

Things are still holding well for me since the trip. I spent yesterday unpacking and doing laundry, catching up on a pile of mail.. I normally would feel stress or pressure from all that's on my to do list, but I've felt none of that-- completely stress free. My sleep has been great, I'm falling asleep early and sleeping all through the night. Nerve pain has been gone for a while now, just a little numbness now and then, my head still has some head pressure and tingly feelings but I'm dealing with it. I can really see now that all those months of not feeling or seeing any progress that I was healing underneath it all. I don't know why it works that way, but healing is happening everyday even when we can't see it. Jenny

 

Jenny, wonderful, wonderful to hear!  I'm so happy for you.  I think we're going to be seeing some more success stories here

[[...]]

5

Beulah.  Yay for waves that go away overnight. ...Eggs and bacon. ...eat up friend...You sound good Beulah.  More and more you sound good.  Thank you for shining a light...I am trying to follow..  Sending you hopes for big sunbreaks in the rain... .coop

Yes Coop, I will continue to shine the light..don't get lost in the darkness.

You are getting there my friend...just very slowly.

 

🎶🎶 This little light of mine🎶 I'm gonna let it shine🎶

 

.....Thanks  Beulah....your light is bright..  2 more blocks of windows today. I went wedding shopping with my daughter and had lunch with her and my ex...I had a wonderful time!.  I was clear, present and engaged....and HUNGRY. We had so much fun...I am home.  and still feeling good.  I know I will be back in the pumpkin instead of the carriage at any time.. but I am taking this and running with it. I felt...and do still feel 85% my old self....sort of unsettling in a way.  I don't quite know what do with the rest of my very good day...puttering in the house and watching The Waltons are completely boring to me today....thank you Beulah....We are all looking so much better.. coop

 

Coop , I'm thrilled you most certainly deserve this blessed day! May the coming days only get better.

 

[[Ko...]]

Can I recommend this to anyone interested. I came across this on Baylissa's Bloom in Wellness. Not sure if the link will work; She is littlemissperfect on YouTube, really helped me.

 

 

 

 

http://www.google.co.uk/url?url=http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DwqthcNhm4ng&rct=j&frm=1&q=&esrc=s&sa=U&ved=0CBcQtwIwAGoVChMIn7S9grSUxgIVBIHbCh322QBr&usg=AFQjCNHYFThZCKqWE4pzux6pF6Bu74ZRdA

 

 

Marj,

Thanks for posting the info about "littlemissperfect" on YouTube. She has another YouTube post called Benzo Bullies-you're not crazy. It's even better than the first one.

Sorry you're feeling so lousy with all the anxiety.  This is awful to be tortured this way. Hang in there and de-.stress  where you can. It well get better in time.

Korbe

[[No...]]

Coop ... good news ... see you when we see you ... and I hope you have a wonderful few days ... 

[[No...]]

Green ... yep it is coming ... and it is hard slogging through today's mud when you can see the sunshine just over the hill ... 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... still doing the "flu" ... so staying slow and quiet ... wishing us all a good Wednesday ... 

[[...]]

Hi Nova,

 

That flu thing is awful, this whole thing is such a zig zag of awfulness, with an occasional glimmer just tease us. It’s like dangling the carrot scenario. I can’t get out of my head today, trying to distract with work but finding it hard to concentrate. Hope thing lighten up for you 

 

[[Se...]]

Hi, all.  Sitting here, after getting kids off to school on the bus (an excruciating task 1st thing in the morning!) and putting a line of laundry out... and wondering why these things seem so much harder now, at nearly a year off, than they did at three months, and then again at the 5-6 mo. mark.  I know healing is anything but linear, but just "wow".  The only difference between now and acute seems to be that I can walk now, am not hallucinating heavily (as far as I can tell) and I'm not having night sweats that soak the bed.  Otherwise... the difference is negligible.  The depression is sinister.  It is telling me some awful things.  Sometimes I manage to talk back to it.

 

Things I'm now doing to try and help myself:  Don't push it.  I gardened heavily three weeks ago, and that may (who knows) have contributed to this wave.  I didn't feel much better by gardening; I just wanted to distract, but it became obsessive and I did too much, I think.  It is a very fine line to be walked at this perilous stage, and I don't really think there IS any real balance.  We just need to put in more time and heal more.  Drink a big green smoothie every day.  This is easy because I'm addicted to them.  They're delicious and nutritious.    Sleep as much as I can.  I am grateful that I can sleep, so I'm taking full advantage.  Try to change the negative thoughts to positive ones; talk back to them.  It seems impossible, but sometimes I am successful... for a few moments.  Take a warm bath when I'm desperate.  The heat and water seems to help; the baths were a lifesaver in acute.  They are again helping me get through the day.  Read, read, and read some more.  Positive stuff only.  Lots of favorite authors... Louise Hay, Pema Chödrön, Caroline Myss, Tsultrim Allione.  If it feeds my spirit with positivity, it's in.  I allow myself ONLY the positive.

 

There's other stuff, too.  I can't recall it.  I used to walk more, but walking is hard right now.  I get easily winded and fatigued, and legs/feet feel like lead.  The rage and depression (seems they are two sides of the same coin) are back again and I have to watch what I say to family members (esp. the kids).  If I feel I'm going to say something I'll regret, I leave the scene promptly and isolate.  If I need to take a drive in the car to get away, I do.

 

I do sense that I might be in for at least another year of this, but I try not to obsess over timelines.  It's really hard, though.  You all know what I mean.  Don't feel I will ever be "me" again because it's as if I'm living on Mars and am not even human many days.  I don't know what or who I am.  Just hanging on to what the healed folks always say, that we do heal eventually.

 

Good healing to all.

Serenity 

[[No...]]

Marj ... distracting ... tough to do sometimes ... and trying to do it at work when concentration is required can be tougher ...

 

Some days we just mark the hours until we can place another day in the books ...

 

I did an hour and half of rug hooking and now heading out for a walk ...

 

Hope you find some quiet hours today ... 

[[...]]

Well, things improved for me yesterday and that was with everyone’s help. Thank you all so much  don’t know what I’d do without the help. I left work with neck and shoulder tension. I called at the supermarket and as I was leaving I had a hot sensation through my body and it just melted away, it was strange, not had that before. Had a decent evening pottering about, a walk in the warm evening and today it is back to awfulness. My moods are all over, a lot of anger and frustration, mind racing which I think is driving the physical symptoms; rigour in upper body, head pressure from hell. I’m at work and I can usually wing it, but feel like I could do a face plant at any moment. I think the thing that’s really bothering me is the fear of myself and my own company has come back. Totally exhausted 

[[No...]]

Serenity ... good morning ... well ... that was quite a post ... and ... you are doing really well ... believe me or not ... 

 

You have a year in and some more time to put in for a while ... and you sound very positive, even though you are probably not feeling positive or find it hard to recognize how well you are doing ... that is one of the curses of this process ... we don't often see how well we are doing ... others need to remind us, sometimes every day ...

 

One day at a time, it is what it is until it isn't ...

 

Your post brought a smile ... I remember posting much as you have just done ... and others had to let me know how well I was actually doing ... and they still do from time to time ...

 

Wishing you as good a day as you can have right now ... 

 

 

[[...]]

Marj ... distracting ... tough to do sometimes ... and trying to do it at work when concentration is required can be tougher ...

 

Some days we just mark the hours until we can place another day in the books ...

 

I did an hour and half of rug hooking and now heading out for a walk ...

 

Hope you find some quiet hours today ... 

 

 

Bless you  and you are right, just mark it off. It's so hard sometimes to just do that and keep a lid on it. In other words not freak out. I did a little before I left home for work. Can't do that here  I'm going to take a stroll too at lunch, it usually helps. We do what we can, keep going 

[[No...]]

Marj ... I know the face plant feeling ... and I haven't managed one yet ... 

 

The fear and doubt are exhausting ... and sometimes we just need to turn away and move elsewhere if we can ...

 

Okay ... getting out of here ... 

[[be...]]

Good Morning ... still doing the "flu" ... so staying slow and quiet ... wishing us all a good Wednesday ... 

 

Nova, Sorry you still feel fluish. I remember back last year when I had it so much and couldn't get away from it...it ached me to the core.

Hopefully it will leave soon.

Yes, a low slow day sounds good.

[[be...]]

Good morning Serenity,

Looks like you have been busy in your garden. Sometimes when we do the things we love, we might tend to over do. I have done this many times and the end result is a few bad days.

 

You sure look like you're on track of taking care of yourself nutritionally..green smoothies are so healthy.

That spaced out feeling is awful, we have to keep reminding ourselves it's withdrawal..it will.pass.

 

Low and slow wins the race.

Keep healing!!

[[be...]]

Marj, Yep, the awful yesterday is gone!! We're putting in another day of struggling to get to the other side..the healed side.

 

That fear monster sure is busy lately..

. I say we give him a big push right out the window.

 

Just another day in paradise.

[[Se...]]

Thanks, Nova.  You are a kind soul.  I'm really not doing well, though.  I'm in bed a lot of the time when not doing the things I HAVE to do, like getting the kids off to school, to their activities, and feeding/watering (ha) the cats, etc. (everyone else always forgets about the cats; they have been my dear little furry buddies throughout this process, even though I couldn't look at or touch them until after a few months into w/d.)  I have extreme paranoia presently.  Had it during taper as well.  It feels like everyone has an ulterior, evil motive.  I was frightened of the setting sun and weird-looking clouds last week.  So hard to see the "good" in anything right now.  I have such bad ear issues.  Even talking about them causes me extreme anxiety, so I won't go on about them.  We're all in hell; our respective hells are just variable.

 

Thankful to be here, among you guys.  My spouse doesn't want to talk about benzos & withdrawal anymore, but I make him sometimes, when my symptoms are extreme.  Haha.  I tell him that I have you guys on here, but I also need to speak to a "real" person about this stuff now and then, and he needs to be that person for me, as there is no one else, save for my therapist whom I see every two weeks.  Then he listens more intently.  We really do need to find our assertiveness in order to ask for what we need during this time in our lives.  I divorced myself from my unhelpful, critical mother at the point this recent bad wave surfaced, and it has been a huge relief to not have to deal with her anymore.  We have to let go of the toxic people in our lives, for our own survival.

 

Beulah, thanks for your comforting words.  Means a lot.    I could not do this without this place.

 

Love to all,

Serenity   

[[Fi...]]

Serenity--

 

It sounds like you are doing everything right.  The bad news is, you have to keep doing it and you don't know for how long.  The good news is, you GET to keep doing it, you're going to get well at some point and, since you don't know when, you're entitled to hope that it may be sooner rather than later!

 

I probably sound like a broken record on this since I've posted this before, but I found Belleruth Naparstek's affirmations on Anger & Forgiveness incredibly helpful and comforting. It's definitely a positive.  Don't worry that you'll be lectured about your inability to forgive.  It's all geared very much toward helping you free yourself of the negativity.

 

I'm glad you've got a garden.  So healing.  At our place, it's my husband who makes everything grow.  I just go out there and weed, prune, pick up the plastic pots from whatever he's planted etc.  I'm looking back and I can't believe that a whole year ago, last summer, I managed to clean the moss off of and repaint all our whimsical screen door gates.  That shows you the non-linear nature of this, because after that I had a period of getting a whole lot worse and I couldn't even get up off the couch.

 

You're right that it's a fine line trying to figure out how much to do.  People are always writing about blaming themselves for having overdone it during times when they feel better.  They attribute the subsequent wave to whatever they did.  I'm of the belief that the waves come and go on their own schedule.  I am not in control; my brain is.  For me, although I've resisted making plans with others for fear of having to cancel, I'm glad, looking back, for all the times I felt good enough to go for it and get something done around here.  Now that I'm well, I'm not QUITE so far behind as I would have been.  I guess each person has to get to know themselves and how best to play this game, and if people really discover a close, obvious  correlation between working hard and subsequently taking a dive, it's not for me to try to dissuade them.  I'm just advocating for not missing the chance to function a bit more normally whenever you can.

 

I know it's appalling to you that you're not better this far out when, obviously, you expected to be.  But it's just the way this stupid thing goes, and you just have to hang in there.  Has your husband read the caregiver's section in Renewal and Recovery?  My husband had come around to understanding pretty well by the time he read this, but it still helped him, just to see it in words, that the person he was married to was actually just responding to this crisis pretty much the way everyone does.  It helped for him to see in words what I'd been trying to explain, that it didn't help me for him to try to argue me out of my situation.

 

I think, given your timeline, that you are very soon going to start seeing more periods of wellness well the suffering won't be quite so non-stop.  Hope so!

 

[[...]]

Serenity,

 

Reading your post, I could have written it myself. I understand everything you have said. I also like to garden when I can manage it and also get carried away when I feel a bit better. Pegging washing out, yep, with you on that one too, it's uncanny. We have to keep doing it, others have made it through this and we can too. We have done a year, me a bit longer and it WILL end, we will have our lives back   

 

The rage and depression is another, this morning I could have smashed everything in sight. I think it's frustration as you get a bit of relief only for it to just show up again the next day. Acceptance is very hard at times like this. I've just been for a walk and feel a little better, although totally exhausted I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Your tips are excellent and I am taking note. We can do this