12-18 month support

[[Fi...]]

Green--if I just went by the "having my mind back" criteria, I could have written my success story five months ago.  It's the physical symptoms that have dragged out, and actually, just since I had my mind back that I started to get racing heart etc.  It's tough to live your life if you're lying there feeling like you have the flu.  Everyone's so different.  Some people seem better able to ignore whatever their symptoms are and carry on.  I couldn't.  Not when it was physical.

[[He...]]

Marj,

 

    "Can I ask if anyone's anxiety and fear ramped up to you want to 'jump out of your skin' at 14 months? This wave is scaring the life out of me. I don't know if it's intensified by some stress over the weekend that caused a major meltdown. Every nerve in my body is on fire. Sorry to be negative on such a positive stretch :'("

 

The answer is yes.  I would get that awful anxiety and fear where all I wanted to do was jump out of my skin.  I had a large wave around 15 months. It will get better.  One thing that helped me some during the times when my anxiety was really revving up was to take a large dose of vitamin C.  I would take a packet or two of Emergen-C, which contain 1000mg. 

 

I'm sorry you are getting slammed with a scary wave!  Hang in there.  It will get better. 

[[...]]

Marj,

 

    "Can I ask if anyone's anxiety and fear ramped up to you want to 'jump out of your skin' at 14 months? This wave is scaring the life out of me. I don't know if it's intensified by some stress over the weekend that caused a major meltdown. Every nerve in my body is on fire. Sorry to be negative on such a positive stretch :'("

 

The answer is yes.  I would get that awful anxiety and fear where all I wanted to do was jump out of my skin.  I had a large wave around 15 months. It will get better.  One thing that helped me some during the times when my anxiety was really revving up was to take a large dose of vitamin C.  I would take a packet or two of Emergen-C, which contain 1000mg.

 

I'm sorry you are getting slammed with a scary wave!  Hang in there.  It will get better. 

 

 

Thank you so much for replying. I'm hanging on to your success story today, it is amazing  I can relate to every single word. YOU MADE IT 

[[He...]]

Thank you all for the sweet support of my success story!    It was interesting to write and to think back on how far I've come.  I had to got back and look at old posts to remember some of the stuff.  It's amazing to me how our bodies can right themselves....even though it takes such a long time.  Part of my resistance to writing one for so long is a fear of "jinxing" myself somehow, that the Benzo beast would laugh and come roaring back.  So far, so good. LOL!

 

I don't know when I'll be 100% done with this, but I suspect it will be past the 2 year mark.  It's just some random stuff anymore, little aches and pains, some boatiness that comes and goes.  Nothing too bad.

 

Speaking of house cleaning, mine is finally being kept up!    I shudder to think of the state of our old house, with the years of me being benzo-sick taking their toll.  It's so nice to be able and have people over again!! We are going to be moving again within the month.  We found a better rental house that will be available for us to rent for several years.  Friends of ours own it, which is nice.  I'm not looking forward to moving again (twice since March? UGH!) but it will be worth it in the end. 

 

Love to you all! 

[[je...]]

Hi marj,

The answer to your question is yes.. My anxiety had been gone for months but picked up around the 15/16 month mark-- it was horrible. I hope you start to see some relief soon

[[Sk...]]

Thank you all for the sweet support of my success story!    It was interesting to write and to think back on how far I've come.  I had to got back and look at old posts to remember some of the stuff.  It's amazing to me how our bodies can right themselves....even though it takes such a long time.  Part of my resistance to writing one for so long is a fear of "jinxing" myself somehow, that the Benzo beast would laugh and come roaring back. So far, so good. LOL!

 

I don't know when I'll be 100% done with this, but I suspect it will be past the 2 year mark.  It's just some random stuff anymore, little aches and pains, some boatiness that comes and goes.  Nothing too bad.

 

Speaking of house cleaning, mine is finally being kept up!    I shudder to think of the state of our old house, with the years of me being benzo-sick taking their toll.  It's so nice to be able and have people over again!! We are going to be moving again within the month.  We found a better rental house that will be available for us to rent for several years.  Friends of ours own it, which is nice.  I'm not looking forward to moving again (twice since March? UGH!) but it will be worth it in the end. 

 

Love to you all!

 

The benzo beast would come back laughing .. ." How funny we all have this same image of him, laughing at us !

 

Everybody, I still feel a lot of good energy here.

 

So that's what it is ? Our brains start to work and that ramps up our anxiety ? Well, then it's a good thing, in a way, it means we are much closer on our way to healing.

 

I sure don't feel smarter, but what do I know ?

 

I just finished watching a very censored, by me, version of Game of thrones. I read the spoilers first and only watched the scenes I could watch, which of course left very little.    But that's ok, I would rather be well and sleep, I can always catch up later.

 

I had a nice day with MR Sky. We went house hunting . Today is my bad day and my vibrations were off the charts and my heart too was insane but I managed and we had many laughing moments.

 

We were even able to avoid a sunstroke.

 

Seriously, mr Sky has really become a pro at this wd thing !

 

Anyway tomorrow should be my good day, which usually means strong anxiety. I liked how HH described it, this pain around the chest. I can't do her justice of course, I can't remember exactly what she said.

 

But it was terribly close to what I feel.

 

Oh well, we are getting there.

 

I am off to bed, speak soon.

 

Green, I dream of going to all those NY theaters. It sounds so romantic, a lone woman healing in the streets of New York, thanks to the theater scene. 

 

One day, I too  will go to New York and go to quite a few shows. That has just made my "to do after healed " list ! 

[[Sk...]]

Hi marj,

The answer to your question is yes.. My anxiety had been gone for months but picked up around the 15/16 month mark-- it was horrible. I hope you start to see some relief soon

 

Hi Jenny, nice seeing you around !

[[Co...]]

"A lone woman healing on the streets of NYC"...I love that...it's pretty poetic....Sky...Happy to hear that you had a pretty good day in spite of vibrations and a thumping heart. It's pretty amazing the things we learn to live with.. Sending you good wishes for your ' good ' day tomorrow....anxiety and all....

...If anxiety is an indication of healing on the way, I am almost there.. .

....rest well......coop

[[Mi...]]

Very quick check-in.  Completed month 20 five days ago, just occurred to me now.  Duh....guess it's just a number at this point, right?

 

Lot of upbeat posts I just finished reading, so awesome.  I'm here to add another.

 

Have felt pretty much 75% for three days straight with no major shifting.  Had a good weekend, had two beers saturday night without a problem.  Hardly any intrusive thoughts, just really laid back feeling....not many cares at all.  Is this what life is really like?  I can DIG IT!

 

Have a good night,

 

Lurker Mike

 

PS:  Cheers DREW, I caught the wine thing a few pages back.  Right on 

[[Co...]]

Mike....wonderful!!....so happy to hear this...The thread is full of hope and encouragement today....We have all waited a long time to see so many posts of 'better'....keep lurking . ..and keep us posted..  Here's to healing.....coop

[[Co...]]

Chiming in with some positive.  2 very nice sunbreaks today. This morning when I had the dog out, the health fears were very quiet.  Huge respite.  I could actually feel the healing that has been under the surface of this awful health fear of the last 2 months..  Later this afternoon.  another nice sunbreak.  Thinking about my daughter's wedding without dread and fear. ...my appetite showed up and my stomach didn't hurt .  still mashed potatoes but I actually enjoyed them

.....trying not to think about what tomorrow will look like. ...I had a feeling that things were improving under the health fears.  hope it holds.

    Very happy to hear of everybody's better days.. We are healing... .coop

[[je...]]

Coop,

This is great news! I'm so very happy for you

[[be...]]

Chiming in with some positive.  2 very nice sunbreaks today. This morning when I had the dog out, the health fears were very quiet.  Huge respite.  I could actually feel the healing that has been under the surface of this awful health fear of the last 2 months..  Later this afternoon.  another nice sunbreak.  Thinking about my daughter's wedding without dread and fear. ...my appetite showed up and my stomach didn't hurt .  still mashed potatoes but I actually enjoyed them

.....trying not to think about what tomorrow will look like. ...I had a feeling that things were improving under the health fears.  hope it holds.

    Very happy to hear of everybody's better days.. We are healing... .coop

 

Coop, very good news.

Yes, underneath all of the layers of suffering healing is going on.

One layer at a time being peeled back..till their are none..

Mashed potatoes are healing to me.

[[dr...]]

Fantastical news coop!!!  You are overdue

[[Gr...]]

Hey Green.  I agree....let those dogs lie....they are barkers.

...thanks for the encouragement...I am arriving at the same conclusion....nothing I can do about then except survive them and try to do the best that I can until they are gone. Yes, Sky also said that she at one time could not eat and breathe at the same time...much like my 'can't talk and breathe at the same time'. ..JRod also mentioned it in his post above.  I am having more times of being able to be somewhat rational about as opposed to just flying off into catastrophic scenarios. I truly know that this has been the worst part of my entire w/d.  Well, acute was pretty much a blue hell but this is right up with it.  I forgot to mention also that my head pressure is much better..So much is better, but I feel just as sick and crazed as I did when they were all on board.  ...5 more months.. .I think you are right to stay low...get some traction on it before you push through too much... enjoy the low and slow side of life today.. I am trying to distract with the ever present neurotic house puttering and binge watching Hallmark Mysteries.  So sad, I used to have an agile curious energetic mind.  I used to write policy for infant/toddler early care and education.  Now I watch silly mysteries.....will my mind come back....will it want to stay if it does?...I can't think about it..  coop

 

Coop, you still have an agile, curious mind!  And you'll be reunited with it very soon!

No, I agree, get some traction.  I'm low and slow... and I have the distinct feeling if I overdo it, things could go south pretty quick.

 

What's good for me?  The housework part of my brain unfroze a little and I've been puttering around the house -- more than puttering.  I scrubbed the bathroom pretty good, in sections, a little at a time. but was able to keep going back and get it finished.  this is a good thing, for me, it was a terrible struggle to do anything in the way of housework, for the longest time, except basics, dishes, toilets, cooking. The house was really neglected while I went to those shows.  I just could not do it.  I was able to pick up my keys and go, do errands, mindless errands with a list, go to a few stores (weekdays!) but I have had so much trouble doing chores, tasks, the yard.    So I'm low and slow, but i'm cleaning and straightening.  This is a wonderful thing.  don't know if it's here to stay, but the bathroom is clean, anyway.   The desire to do it, and the energy. Yay.

 

My God, how sick we've been that we're grateful to feel good enough to clean the house!  To feel the desire and interest and have the energy to clean the bath.

 

Coop, I don't want to sound hopeful, cuz I know those benzo hounds are still sniffing around, but maybe it won't take five months, maybe sooner.   Dang, it sure feels nice to be a little normal.

 

Sue, I think it is a  big step. I know I will have healed, when I can do things like these without the painful planning and endless lists.

 

I am really happy for you.

 

Hope away, please do. 

 

Funny, Sky, I wrote in my progress log many moons ago I would declare myself healed when I could clean this whole house from top to bottom.  How ironic to have to wait for healing to clean the house. 

And remember those early days on the thread?  How sick/crazed/ out of it we were?  If anyone had told me this would take two years, I would have jumped off my little ledge!

But here we are.  Hopefully we'll all be writing our stories soon, one after another.

Happy house hunting.

[/quote

 

This is what I say to myself all the time; I will know I am making progress when I can clean from top to bottom. Sometimes I can do the odd little bit. I hate it that my home is neglected, so trivial I know.  I'm so envious of your shiny bathroom.

 

Can I ask if anyone's anxiety and fear ramped up to you want to 'jump out of your skin' at 14 months? This wave is scaring the life out of me. I don't know if it's intensified by some stress over the weekend that caused a major meltdown. Every nerve in my body is on fire. Sorry to be negative on such a positive stretch  :'(

 

Marj, jump out of your skin, or sometimes I was waiting for Alien to jump out of my chest.  The intense anxiety is my most feared symptom.  I mean, I don't love any of the symptoms, but the intense anxiety brought me to me knees.  Yes, 14 months, definitely.  Then I had nice breaks.  Hang on, it will recede.  and don't worry about the house.  that's the least of our worries.

[[Gr...]]

Green--if I just went by the "having my mind back" criteria, I could have written my success story five months ago.  It's the physical symptoms that have dragged out, and actually, just since I had my mind back that I started to get racing heart etc.  It's tough to live your life if you're lying there feeling like you have the flu.  Everyone's so different.  Some people seem better able to ignore whatever their symptoms are and carry on.  I couldn't.  Not when it was physical.

 

We're all different, and so is the intensity of the particular symptoms.  I could say mental symptoms are okay, until they become my primary and they're debilitating. 

For me, I hated the anxiety, because I had it so bad I thought Alien was going to jump out of my chest, I didn't know how I could make it from one minute to the next.

 

But the fatigue can be very very, very bad, too.  I've had some tough bouts with fatigue in this withdrawal, but it wasn't my worst, in terms of I was able to get out the door, get to a store if I had to.  I only had 4-5 times over the last two years where I really couldn't get up off the couch, had to stay in bed all day.

 

while, in tolerance withdrawal, back in 2004, when I was benzo clueless, had no idea what was going on, the fatigue was debilitating.  I couldn't stand up.  I had to crawl on all fours to use the bathroom.  I was bedridden, couldn't function, couldn't get my kids off to school, couldn't do anything.  I couldn't talk on the phone. I was so unbelievably sick.  and I had the benzo flu.  I had diarrhea, lost a lot of weight. and that was in tolerance, when I had been taking the drug less than two years, and at relatively low doses.  and because I was sleeping so much, because I was so sick, I stopped the Xanax and got even worse.  but the symptoms were so, so different then, no anxiety at all.  I never, ever made the connection it was the Xanax.  I googled my symptoms and came up with CFS.

 

So this is a dangerous, dangerous drug.  It's a total crapshoot -- once we've gotten sick, been in tolerance, I don't think we can ever take it safely again.  I can't, anyway

[[Gr...]]

Thank you all for the sweet support of my success story!    It was interesting to write and to think back on how far I've come.  I had to got back and look at old posts to remember some of the stuff.  It's amazing to me how our bodies can right themselves....even though it takes such a long time.  Part of my resistance to writing one for so long is a fear of "jinxing" myself somehow, that the Benzo beast would laugh and come roaring back.  So far, so good. LOL!

 

I don't know when I'll be 100% done with this, but I suspect it will be past the 2 year mark.  It's just some random stuff anymore, little aches and pains, some boatiness that comes and goes.  Nothing too bad.

 

Speaking of house cleaning, mine is finally being kept up!    I shudder to think of the state of our old house, with the years of me being benzo-sick taking their toll.  It's so nice to be able and have people over again!! We are going to be moving again within the month.  We found a better rental house that will be available for us to rent for several years.  Friends of ours own it, which is nice.  I'm not looking forward to moving again (twice since March? UGH!) but it will be worth it in the end. 

 

Love to you all!

 

HH,    Yay.  Yes, you and I connected on that messy house issue, didn't we?  I have no idea why I could not clean and straighten.  Totally beyond me.

 

So glad you're getting a more permanent place.  And, like Sky, it will be nice to start over in a place that has no bad benzo memories.

 

Love to you, too

[[Gr...]]

Thank you all for the sweet support of my success story!    It was interesting to write and to think back on how far I've come.  I had to got back and look at old posts to remember some of the stuff.  It's amazing to me how our bodies can right themselves....even though it takes such a long time.  Part of my resistance to writing one for so long is a fear of "jinxing" myself somehow, that the Benzo beast would laugh and come roaring back. So far, so good. LOL!

 

I don't know when I'll be 100% done with this, but I suspect it will be past the 2 year mark.  It's just some random stuff anymore, little aches and pains, some boatiness that comes and goes.  Nothing too bad.

 

Speaking of house cleaning, mine is finally being kept up!    I shudder to think of the state of our old house, with the years of me being benzo-sick taking their toll.  It's so nice to be able and have people over again!! We are going to be moving again within the month.  We found a better rental house that will be available for us to rent for several years.  Friends of ours own it, which is nice.  I'm not looking forward to moving again (twice since March? UGH!) but it will be worth it in the end. 

 

Love to you all!

 

The benzo beast would come back laughing .. ." How funny we all have this same image of him, laughing at us !

 

Everybody, I still feel a lot of good energy here.

 

So that's what it is ? Our brains start to work and that ramps up our anxiety ? Well, then it's a good thing, in a way, it means we are much closer on our way to healing.

 

I sure don't feel smarter, but what do I know ?

 

I just finished watching a very censored, by me, version of Game of thrones. I read the spoilers first and only watched the scenes I could watch, which of course left very little.    But that's ok, I would rather be well and sleep, I can always catch up later.

 

I had a nice day with MR Sky. We went house hunting . Today is my bad day and my vibrations were off the charts and my heart too was insane but I managed and we had many laughing moments.

 

We were even able to avoid a sunstroke.

 

Seriously, mr Sky has really become a pro at this wd thing !

 

Anyway tomorrow should be my good day, which usually means strong anxiety. I liked how HH described it, this pain around the chest. I can't do her justice of course, I can't remember exactly what she said.

 

But it was terribly close to what I feel.

 

Oh well, we are getting there.

 

I am off to bed, speak soon.

 

Green, I dream of going to all those NY theaters. It sounds so romantic, a lone woman healing in the streets of New York, thanks to the theater scene. 

 

One day, I too  will go to New York and go to quite a few shows. That has just made my "to do after healed " list ! 

 

Sky, you sound good!   If you get a nice house, we can swap -- you can go to the theater and I'll relax in sunny Italy!  Of course you really need to wait for me to heal completely so I can clean the house first!

[[Gr...]]

Mike....wonderful!!....so happy to hear this...The thread is full of hope and encouragement today....We have all waited a long time to see so many posts of 'better'....keep lurking . ..and keep us posted..  Here's to healing.....coop

 

Yes, Mike!

[[Gr...]]

Chiming in with some positive.  2 very nice sunbreaks today. This morning when I had the dog out, the health fears were very quiet.  Huge respite.  I could actually feel the healing that has been under the surface of this awful health fear of the last 2 months..  Later this afternoon.  another nice sunbreak.  Thinking about my daughter's wedding without dread and fear. ...my appetite showed up and my stomach didn't hurt .  still mashed potatoes but I actually enjoyed them

.....trying not to think about what tomorrow will look like. ...I had a feeling that things were improving under the health fears.  hope it holds.

    Very happy to hear of everybody's better days.. We are healing... .coop

 

Coop, I'm so happy to hear things are finally lightening up for you.  It's been a tough ride, hasn't it?

 

I'm still low and slow, seems like I've got the alternate day thing, like Sky.  Today was my tired day.  Sometimes I get the threat of very bad anxiety, extremely tight chest, but it passes, I breathe, refuse to panic, and it passes.  So far, so good.

 

Let's hope we can stay in this nice low and slow place until we are home free.

[[be...]]

Green, I agree..cleaning is the least of my worries. It's funny though, on a good day that's all I do.

This morning I was unloading the dishwasher and it took me forever..one dish at a time..and a sit down break in between.

Sometimes I'm to stiff to unload the lower rack and hubby has to do that. I felt like I did a days work.

Also I caught myself humming the other day while folding some laundry..haven't done that in forever.

I was humming to the tune " White Christmas" ..lol..I don't know why.

 

🎶🎶 Just whistle while you work🎶🎶😃

[[Gr...]]

Green, I agree..cleaning is the least of my worries. It's funny though, on a good day that's all I do.

This morning I was unloading the dishwasher and it took me forever..one dish at a time..and a sit down break in between.

Sometimes I'm to stiff to unload the lower rack and hubby has to do that. I felt like I did a days work.

Also I caught myself humming the other day while folding some laundry..haven't done that in forever.

I was humming to the tune " White Christmas" ..lol..I don't know why.

 

🎶🎶 Just whistle while you work🎶🎶😃

 

Beulah, that's so funny!  As soon as I felt a little better, that's the first thing I wanted to do!  It felt like reclaiming my life, somehow, I was delighted to do those little domestic chores.

 

Yes, the fatigue is still very much present, it comes and goes, doesn't it?  And I still get a lot of body stiffness, also.  But somehow we seem better, don't we?  Even though that fatigue and body stiffness can still be crippling, there's definitely a change. And more good days.

 

Whistle while you work, huh.  When we're scrubbing the floor and screaming show tunes at the top of our lungs, we'll write the success stories.

[[Co...]]

Green and Beulah.  Happy to hear that your better days are holding.  The house cleaning thing is a cunundrum...I cling to my little routine of straightening, fussing, dusting, sweeping etc etc. .I think I feel like if I am moving my body and clinging to my Groundhog Day routine I must be ok.  It's also something I can do without a functioning mind.  . Yet I would be totally unable to put anything in the garden or go to a play.  I still have a hard time sitting in a movie.. or even sitting long enough for having dinner with friends.  Once I get through my little routine I am lost.  Having said that though, I am doing more simple simple things like shopping with my daughter.  God, I sound like I am recovering from a brain injury and am learning the basics of rehabilitative life.. oh, yeah...I am. 

  ...Planting the garden and going into the city to see some shows are so generative.  Way more meaningful than making the bed and cleaning the oven..

    Green.  Yes, the anxiety is , imo, one of the worst sx.  You just can't get away from it .. it's so physical and mental at the same time.  I am really glad it's letting up for you.

    I definitely think we are all sounding on the upswing.  Hoping hoping that it holds for everyone.  coop

[[Sk...]]

Very quick check-in.  Completed month 20 five days ago, just occurred to me now.  Duh....guess it's just a number at this point, right?

 

Lot of upbeat posts I just finished reading, so awesome.  I'm here to add another.

 

Have felt pretty much 75% for three days straight with no major shifting.  Had a good weekend, had two beers saturday night without a problem.  Hardly any intrusive thoughts, just really laid back feeling....not many cares at all.  Is this what life is really like?  I can DIG IT!

 

Have a good night,

 

Lurker Mike

 

PS:  Cheers DREW, I caught the wine thing a few pages back.  Right on 

 

Wow, this sounds very promising MikeJee ! 

 

Thanks for sharing, we need to hear updates like this one. 

[[Sk...]]

Chiming in with some positive.  2 very nice sunbreaks today. This morning when I had the dog out, the health fears were very quiet.  Huge respite.  I could actually feel the healing that has been under the surface of this awful health fear of the last 2 months..  Later this afternoon.  another nice sunbreak.  Thinking about my daughter's wedding without dread and fear. ...my appetite showed up and my stomach didn't hurt .  still mashed potatoes but I actually enjoyed them

.....trying not to think about what tomorrow will look like. ...I had a feeling that things were improving under the health fears.  hope it holds.

    Very happy to hear of everybody's better days.. We are healing... .coop

 

Coop, that is wonderful news ! Hope you will let us in on all the details of the wedding, I am so curious.

 

Btw, I think when you heal, a jumbo sized bone might be in order for your dog. He has been such a babe, supporting you in all this !