12-18 month support

[[He...]]

Hi friends!

Well, I finally did it.  I posted a success story.  It was a challenge to write, and I hope I did OK with it, but at least it's finally done.    I think of you all often! 

It's summertime and I am excited to enjoy this one! 

 

Tonight I'll be watching the NBA game and firing up the BBQ.  What do you have going on? 

Love to you!

[[Co...]]

HH. ..I just read your success story.. I really don't even have words to tell you how beyond happy I am for you. Your story made me cry buckets of happiness for you and hope for all of us. .. Thank you so very much for posting it.  You have your life back.  The reality of that must feel like a miracle. You deserve all the joy and peace that life offers.. Love to you HH.....coop

[[je...]]

Hi all,

 

I took a break from BB as I went on a family trip to Texas to visit my sister and family. I was gone for 10 days, and did fairly well.  We had stuff planned literally from sun up to sun down. I was surprised at how physically I was able to keep up, and the busyness of all the kids and activities was a huge distraction for me to where honestly I didn't have any bad moments at all. I had a few days of anxiety which one was the plane ride, for obvious reasons but it wasn't bad at all-- I was able to calm myself. This has proved to me that even though I'm still having bad days, I'm able to push through and still do things-- things that might have been much harder a year ago. I haven't been able to read the posts, so I'm not up to date on everyone although I was thrilled to see HH has wrote her success story. I hope your all doing well, I've missed you, Jenny 

[[Be...]]

Hi Guys,

 

I recently discovered this thread and posted some things a couple of weeks ago when I developed air hunger.  This persists and makes any sleep pretty tough as it feels like I'm suffocating all night.  This has now crossed over to the daytime as well.  I did a sleep study home test and found mild sleep apnea, likely, I think, from this withdrawal process. I'll be getting a CPAP device tomorrow and hope that it helps a bit.

 

I'd appreciate any thoughts about  what has been going on recently with my recovery.  I was in tolerance withdrawal for 5 years before I finally found out about the benzo issue.  During that time I had done 3 tapers of several months each from Xanax and Remeron which likely caused kindling.  I also had taken Lamictal and Zyprexa for a few months but stopped those over three years ago when I last stopped the xanax and Remeron, before reinstating those .

 

I then spent 17 months tapering from Klonopin (crossed over from Xanax to taper) , waited 5 months and then tapered Remeron for 10 months.  I finished Remeron last September, and while the tapers were pretty nasty, it was nothing compared to what ensued after finishing the Remeron.

 

I developed insomnia, weakness, fatigue, constant dizziness, nausea, and constant anxiety.  The dizziness is more than just the usual brain fog in that it hits me every morning once I'm up and around about 30 minutes after I'm up.  It's pretty debilitating and also is accompanied by a sickening queasiness and nausea. Not much helps with the nausea and makes eating tough, as it also creates a constant stomachache after eating anything.

 

So, I am now 23.5 months off Benzos and 8.5 months off Remeron.  I don't know what is causing all of this, the Benzo or the Remeron, but the symptoms seems to be getting worse, rather than better.  I've been having many days of almost panic attacks with very intense anxiety, set off by even the smallest stressors.    I have had significant stress lately with a family member in the final stages of pancreatic cancer.  This has required me to travel to see her, stay in a hotel with all these symptoms and not sleeping.  It's looking like I will soon have to make this trip again fairly soon once she passes and I have a lot of anxiety about traveling again like this.

 

So, every day is all about intense dizziness, nausea, stomachaches, weakness, fatigue,  and severe anxiety. I have many other physical symptoms such as muscle spasms, headaches, blurry vision, loss of taste, smell , hyper sensitive hearing , on and on.  So far, I have not had the mental stuff or depression that many have noted.  I have lost about 15-18 pounds so far as eating is difficult with the stomach pain that follows. 

 

I use MJ to sleep, but want to stop this ASAP once some of these symptoms abate so I can have a chance at natural sleep. The MJ helps with the stomach stuff and anxiety so I can fall asleep.  I don't think I would have a chance at sleep with all of the symptoms I have constantly,.

 

With MJ, I can get 3-6 hours of broken sleep and have to use it during the night as well if I want to get more than 3 hours of sleep.    It sucks, but I go downhill quickly if I don't get  a few hours of sleep. 

 

Right now, everything hurts my stomach, and I have been using a few stomach supplements like probiotics, DGL, Digestive enzymes, etc. I have discontinued all other supplements as I have no idea if they are making things worse or not. I had been taking  Tart cherry pills (melatonin), magnesium, fish oil caps, zinc, turmeric, and several others, but stopped everything. 

 

This has all ramped up since I stopped the Remeron, which I think had masked many of these symptoms. 

 

Since you guys are all in the same time frame that I am in, I was wondering if you think that this is just par for the course, how much longer these awful symptoms will persist, am I so damaged that this has a long way to go.......  Seems like this will never end and since things are getting worse, I tend to panic which brings on the anxiety even worse.    Any exertion at all brings on the extreme weakness and fatigue, the sickening nausea, and anxiety.  Help......

 

I appreciate any thoughts you may have.  Have others had all this stuff and still healed?  I had been better until the past 4 months or so when all of this ramped up.  I'm still functional, but my world is getting smaller, as I bump into walls and others as I try to continue to lead as "normal " a life as I can while going through this nightmare.   

 

Is this typical for 23.5 months off benzos and 8.5 months off Remeron?  I've had no windows in the 8 years Ive been going through this and is getting more and more difficult to practice "acceptance" and mindfulness. 

 

Sorry to be so negative, but this has been getting to be more than I can handle since it has gone on for so long.

 

Many thanks for any of your advice. 

 

[[Gr...]]

Hey Green.  I agree....let those dogs lie....they are barkers.

...thanks for the encouragement...I am arriving at the same conclusion....nothing I can do about then except survive them and try to do the best that I can until they are gone. Yes, Sky also said that she at one time could not eat and breathe at the same time...much like my 'can't talk and breathe at the same time'. ..JRod also mentioned it in his post above.  I am having more times of being able to be somewhat rational about as opposed to just flying off into catastrophic scenarios. I truly know that this has been the worst part of my entire w/d.  Well, acute was pretty much a blue hell but this is right up with it.  I forgot to mention also that my head pressure is much better..So much is better, but I feel just as sick and crazed as I did when they were all on board.  ...5 more months.. .I think you are right to stay low...get some traction on it before you push through too much... enjoy the low and slow side of life today.. I am trying to distract with the ever present neurotic house puttering and binge watching Hallmark Mysteries.  So sad, I used to have an agile curious energetic mind.  I used to write policy for infant/toddler early care and education.  Now I watch silly mysteries.....will my mind come back....will it want to stay if it does?...I can't think about it..  coop

 

Coop, you still have an agile, curious mind!  And you'll be reunited with it very soon!

No, I agree, get some traction.  I'm low and slow... and I have the distinct feeling if I overdo it, things could go south pretty quick.

 

What's good for me?  The housework part of my brain unfroze a little and I've been puttering around the house -- more than puttering.  I scrubbed the bathroom pretty good, in sections, a little at a time. but was able to keep going back and get it finished.  this is a good thing, for me, it was a terrible struggle to do anything in the way of housework, for the longest time, except basics, dishes, toilets, cooking. The house was really neglected while I went to those shows.  I just could not do it.  I was able to pick up my keys and go, do errands, mindless errands with a list, go to a few stores (weekdays!) but I have had so much trouble doing chores, tasks, the yard.    So I'm low and slow, but i'm cleaning and straightening.  This is a wonderful thing.  don't know if it's here to stay, but the bathroom is clean, anyway.   The desire to do it, and the energy. Yay.

 

My God, how sick we've been that we're grateful to feel good enough to clean the house!  To feel the desire and interest and have the energy to clean the bath.

 

Coop, I don't want to sound hopeful, cuz I know those benzo hounds are still sniffing around, but maybe it won't take five months, maybe sooner.   Dang, it sure feels nice to be a little normal.

[[Gr...]]

Hi all,

 

I took a break from BB as I went on a family trip to Texas to visit my sister and family. I was gone for 10 days, and did fairly well.  We had stuff planned literally from sun up to sun down. I was surprised at how physically I was able to keep up, and the busyness of all the kids and activities was a huge distraction for me to where honestly I didn't have any bad moments at all. I had a few days of anxiety which one was the plane ride, for obvious reasons but it wasn't bad at all-- I was able to calm myself. This has proved to me that even though I'm still having bad days, I'm able to push through and still do things-- things that might have been much harder a year ago. I haven't been able to read the posts, so I'm not up to date on everyone although I was thrilled to see HH has wrote her success story. I hope your all doing well, I've missed you, Jenny 

 

Jenny, I am so, so happy for you!  Able to take a plane trip and deal with kids and other people's kids and your sister (is that the same one that came to visit you?)

 

I know it's not perfect, but you're living a life and not thinking about withdrawal for long periods.  That is wonderful.

[[Fi...]]

Susan--you sound like you're on your way.  Please don't try to "NOT sound hopeful."  There's no  penalty for hoping, no such thing as false hope.  We LIVE on hope.  That's what a beloved doctor said to me years ago and he should know, having applied to Harvard Medical School while still incarcerated in a Japanese POW camp.  Boy were they surprised when he showed up for his first term!

 

Hope is fuel--eat it up.  There's no Judging Power waiting to say, "Oh, ha ha, you hoped you were done having waves but now you're not."  There's also no way to protect yourself from the inevitable disappointment when one comes.  Will it be any easier because you steadfastly refused to hope?  I doubt it. 

 

My healing looked like yours--just having more times of realizing I had the energy to go ahead and try to do something.  Hang in there.  It sounds like you're almost there.   I'm gonna go ahead and do some of your hoping for you!

[[dr...]]

Great news jenny.  Just reading your post tells me your close. 

 

I loved HH's success story and she started benzos for anxiety like me.  It's almost nonexistent for her.

 

I had a pretty good day.  I even had a few glasses of wine last night and no ill effects today.  Lots of exercise this weekend, ran a rehearsal w very little discomfort, ate out, and cooked some really good meals and felt "normal" for a lot of it.  By that I mean no nonstop inward thoughts.  Had some here or there but nothing too bad.  Also no morning yucks or surges and almost all head pressure dissipated again. 

 

As FJ says I will HOPE that was my last wave but continue on until one time my HOPE is realized. 

 

Carry on

[[Gr...]]

[move]HAPPY 19TH ANNIVERSARY TO ME!!![move][/move][/move]

 

 

 

 

 

[[No...]]

Jenny ... good to hear your trip went so well ... this is very encouraging ... 

[[No...]]

Benzotired ... sorry to hear you are experiencing this stuff day after day ...

 

I have no experience with anything except the drug I was on for so long ... I have not used any supplements except the occasional ibuprofen and the blood pressure medication I am on ...

 

Everything you describe sounds "familiar" ... and many folks describe getting hit hard several months after stopping a drug ...

 

And ... everyone heals ... sometimes it just takes a long time to recover from these drugs ...

 

The physical stuff is hard to endure day to day ... and that is what we have to do ... get through each day as best we can ... find our own rhythm and let time do its thing ...

 

There will come a time when this is all a memory for you ... and you have recovered ... in the meantime, hang on, post when you can ... and do not be concerned about being a whiner or a downer ... those are only unnecessary labels we place on ourselves ... they only describe where we are in the moment ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[No...]]

Green ... welcome to the 20 month side of things ... every day a little closer ... 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... once again shut down early and slept several hours last night ... feeling pretty blah after yesterday's little benzo storm ... want to get out and walk for a while today ... sitting on me arse and contemplating my navel is only one side of things for me ...

 

Hope we all have a good Monday ... 

[[Sk...]]

Hi all,

 

I took a break from BB as I went on a family trip to Texas to visit my sister and family. I was gone for 10 days, and did fairly well.  We had stuff planned literally from sun up to sun down. I was surprised at how physically I was able to keep up, and the busyness of all the kids and activities was a huge distraction for me to where honestly I didn't have any bad moments at all. I had a few days of anxiety which one was the plane ride, for obvious reasons but it wasn't bad at all-- I was able to calm myself. This has proved to me that even though I'm still having bad days, I'm able to push through and still do things-- things that might have been much harder a year ago. I haven't been able to read the posts, so I'm not up to date on everyone although I was thrilled to see HH has wrote her success story. I hope your all doing well, I've missed you, Jenny 

 

Jenny, great to see you.

 

What you did, is huge, and I do think you are almost there. I am so happy for you ! 

[[Sk...]]

Hey Green.  I agree....let those dogs lie....they are barkers.

...thanks for the encouragement...I am arriving at the same conclusion....nothing I can do about then except survive them and try to do the best that I can until they are gone. Yes, Sky also said that she at one time could not eat and breathe at the same time...much like my 'can't talk and breathe at the same time'. ..JRod also mentioned it in his post above.  I am having more times of being able to be somewhat rational about as opposed to just flying off into catastrophic scenarios. I truly know that this has been the worst part of my entire w/d.  Well, acute was pretty much a blue hell but this is right up with it.  I forgot to mention also that my head pressure is much better..So much is better, but I feel just as sick and crazed as I did when they were all on board.  ...5 more months.. .I think you are right to stay low...get some traction on it before you push through too much... enjoy the low and slow side of life today.. I am trying to distract with the ever present neurotic house puttering and binge watching Hallmark Mysteries.  So sad, I used to have an agile curious energetic mind.  I used to write policy for infant/toddler early care and education.  Now I watch silly mysteries.....will my mind come back....will it want to stay if it does?...I can't think about it..  coop

 

Coop, you still have an agile, curious mind!  And you'll be reunited with it very soon!

No, I agree, get some traction.  I'm low and slow... and I have the distinct feeling if I overdo it, things could go south pretty quick.

 

What's good for me?  The housework part of my brain unfroze a little and I've been puttering around the house -- more than puttering.  I scrubbed the bathroom pretty good, in sections, a little at a time. but was able to keep going back and get it finished.  this is a good thing, for me, it was a terrible struggle to do anything in the way of housework, for the longest time, except basics, dishes, toilets, cooking. The house was really neglected while I went to those shows.  I just could not do it.  I was able to pick up my keys and go, do errands, mindless errands with a list, go to a few stores (weekdays!) but I have had so much trouble doing chores, tasks, the yard.    So I'm low and slow, but i'm cleaning and straightening.  This is a wonderful thing.  don't know if it's here to stay, but the bathroom is clean, anyway.   The desire to do it, and the energy. Yay.

 

My God, how sick we've been that we're grateful to feel good enough to clean the house!  To feel the desire and interest and have the energy to clean the bath.

 

Coop, I don't want to sound hopeful, cuz I know those benzo hounds are still sniffing around, but maybe it won't take five months, maybe sooner.   Dang, it sure feels nice to be a little normal.

 

Sue, I think it is a  big step. I know I will have healed, when I can do things like these without the painful planning and endless lists.

 

I am really happy for you.

 

Hope away, please do. 

[[Sk...]]

[move]HAPPY 19TH ANNIVERSARY TO ME!!![move][/move][/move]

 

Wow, you are no longer a teenager anymore either ! 

[[Sk...]]

Excuse me guys, I have to tell you about something that happened to me yesterday.

 

Yesterday was really bad.

 

On top of that, I met a ghost from my past... I didn't really meet this ghost, he booked a Skype lesson with me.

 

This guy, I met him at the offline school I taught in, in the last year, 2013, before my CT. That awful sad year when I was simply floundering unwittingly in symptoms of tolerance.

 

All along, he had been trying to keep in touch with me and of course, I explained I was sick and didn't want to see anyone.

 

So, this felt really sneaky to me. But, I had the lesson all the same and tried to be as professional as possible. I was way too professional, almost cold.

 

At the end, he said he was sorry if he had annoyed me.

 

That's when I felt bad, but there was little I could do about it. He wanted to have a chat with the person he met in 2013 and I simply am not that person anymore.

 

At the end, he was telling me his mother was at the hospital because of a mild stroke, he had not been getting his salary for two months, he is obviously feeling lonely.

 

So, I felt bad about being cold or distant.

 

Anyway, it made me think.

 

I know I have changed a lot, but that conversation, made me see  how much.

 

But mostly, I just felt distant mentally. Not DR distant, just naturally distant, if you know what I mean.

 

Oh well, this is going to happen to all of us at some point.  It's only natural with all that has happened to us.

 

Sky...I think after such a long time it feels unnatural to try to resume an on line professional relationship . It would feel awkward whether you were in w/d or not. ...I think it was nothing that you should feel that you let him down in any way. To me it sounds like an awkward encounter. Hopefully he will follow your professional lead and find support for his worries from family/friends or a counselor.

...I hope you do not spend another second feeling bad about it. ....It is so important in our healing that we take care of ourselves....I know you posted previous today, but I missed the post and will go back and read it....all of sudden there were new posts all at once....rest well Sky....coop

 

Coop, I am not thinking about it at all, but thanks for getting back to me. You are right, it would have been awkward no matter what.

 

The thing I found interesting, was how far away I felt.

 

You see, 19 months does not feel like a lot to me at all, because I have been living in this bubble. But it has been and we are different people now, all of us.

 

And it may seem obvious, but you know how people say they have changed and haven't actually changed at all ?

 

Anyway, this has been a life changing experience and  we had to change otherwise we would have never survived. This may be only the beginning.

 

 

 

 

[[No...]]

Sky ... good morning ... hope you are having a good day ... 

[[Sk...]]

Nova, I am vibrating a a little but I do feel upbeat about it. Must be all the positive posts I have read on the thread ! 

 

We are almost there.

[[Co...]]

Good morning 12-18 month friends....Some very good things on the thread this morning...

. ..GREEN...20 months....what a trek...You sound so good ...an uptick in the mental energy ....Any changr, including new motivation I think is a very good sign. ...and the bathroom is sparkling. I get the hopeful thing..  it takes some time to trust our imptovements, they are so elusive, but you have been ceaseless in providing hope to all of us. " Nobody is going to be left behind".  .months and months ago you gave us that and it became our mantra.. Wishing you rock solid healing in month 20...

...JENNY.....You sound great!...It was only weeks ago that you were suffering crushing anxiety. A ten day vacation with activity packed days.. huge. I am so happy for you...That's where HH began to realize healing...a trip.. .I love hearing this from you.  Are you almost at 24 months?.. So very close

....DREW... A migraine....and on you sail right past it to all the things in your life that you love... a lesson there for me.. Your posts give me encouragement and hope every time. You are a source of light here....

....NOVA..  Hope your walk renews you....and inspires you to cook something wonderful today.  You sound like the day is starting out in a good place .  Thank you so much for being here with us every day. Your support and zen helps me get through these hard days.  Wishing you happy ramblings this morning....

.....SKY....sorry I missed your point on your post...I agree we are all different, yet the same people who started out months and months ago trying to leave a tiny pill behind.Wishing you a good day .....Wishing you sunbreaks and no vibrations...

....BEULAH.... You sound so close too...the thread has such a good tone today.  I think of you every day when I need to stay brave.  You are a constant source of encouragement for me...Here's to lavender tea and watching the garden come up

....MARJ.....I know you had a tough day yesterday...I hope you caught a breath and today is kinder to you...You have so much on your plate and you March forward everyday with sx...I have such huge respect for you

....I know I missed some posts along the way....Wishing everyone sunbreaks, encouragement and hope even when we don't feel it. I am holding on to HH's  incredible claim on healing. I have read it about 100 times. We are all going to be following behind in our own pace and time...It is hard to believe that we have in general been putting our feet on this road every day for nearly 2 years.  Yet difficult to realize that things are improving and and our lives are improving for the better.  coop

[[be...]]

Hi all,

 

I took a break from BB as I went on a family trip to Texas to visit my sister and family. I was gone for 10 days, and did fairly well.  We had stuff planned literally from sun up to sun down. I was surprised at how physically I was able to keep up, and the busyness of all the kids and activities was a huge distraction for me to where honestly I didn't have any bad moments at all. I had a few days of anxiety which one was the plane ride, for obvious reasons but it wasn't bad at all-- I was able to calm myself. This has proved to me that even though I'm still having bad days, I'm able to push through and still do things-- things that might have been much harder a year ago. I haven't been able to read the posts, so I'm not up to date on everyone although I was thrilled to see HH has wrote her success story. I hope your all doing well, I've missed you, Jenny 

 

Jenny, sooo sooo happy for you. Just a few weeks ago you were in a bad place..now, just look at you go.

Healing is happening!!!! 

[[No...]]

Coop ... good morning ... had a small walk and some stretching ... not so chipper right now ... feeling all stuffed up with congestion stuff and some air hunger ... oh well ... it will pass ... always does ...

 

Hope you got a good rest and have a "quiet" day ... 

[[Co...]]

Benzotired.....So sorry you are having such a hard time. Yes. many of us are still having tough waves months into this. I think you are right to suspect that the Remeron has been covering some of your w/d sx...The sx that you describe all seem classic for w/d ....miserable. The stress of a severely sick family member surely adds to the intensity of your w/d...

.....Things will get better...but it takes time...and time ....and more time...Self care is so important...extra rest, super nutritious food...massages, accupuncture/accupressure, exercise as you can tolerate, support, strategies for coping, hot bath soaks, meditation apps on your devices....all of these things help. Drew has had a lot of success with CBT..Taking each day on its own and dealing with only what that day brings ( hard to do) has helped me manage my stress and disappointment of not being more healed than I am. I am about 19.5 months out and trying to emerge from an 8 week wave... getting there, but gradually rather than experiencing the wave just lifting

.....Benzotired....come on the thread as much as you need to for support and encouragement.  I hope you get some breathers and sunbreaks soon.....coop

 

[[be...]]

Hi friends!

Well, I finally did it.  I posted a success story.  It was a challenge to write, and I hope I did OK with it, but at least it's finally done.    I think of you all often! 

It's summertime and I am excited to enjoy this one! 

 

Tonight I'll be watching the NBA game and firing up the BBQ.  What do you have going on? 

Love to you!

 

You did it. So happy for you!! Enjoy your summer to the fullest.

[[be...]]

[move]HAPPY 19TH ANNIVERSARY TO ME!!![move][/move][/move]

 

Way to go.

Keep healing.