12-18 month support

[[be...]]

Yes Coop, all of the panic just stopped. I was getting so depressed in thinking it would never end.

I prayed to God to take me if I had to live like that. I kept reading on the benzo forum that I joined back then..they said that if I didn't have panic before..that it's withdrawal and it would go away..I clung to that..read it everyday.

Of course all of the docs wanted to medicate me with more drugs..but I stuck to my guns..barely.

This is what I keep telling you coop..if you didn't have it before...it will go away..everything goes back to normal..you even grow a little stronger...having gone through this.

 

Next month I will be two years off..my first withdrawal I was healed at two years..can't see it happening this time...but I know I will heal..no doubt it...it will just take a little longer.

 

Put your doubts to rest..you will heal from it all.

 

I'm no super hero..lol..my daughter was pregnant with my granddaughter..that was my motivation.

[[Co...]]

Beulah...you are one determined strong willed girl...It is hugely reassuring to hear that your panics just stopped and your first w/d was done in 2 years.  I think this one won't be that much behind that. 

...I love your story ...It is so rock solid and encouraging ...

..........coop

[[dr...]]

Hi all...today not as good as yesterday but I did another 3.5 mile trail hike, went about all my errands, and had a fine dining out experience.  Did okay but not optimal. Not overthinking it and it's another day in the books. 

 

Welcome serenity!

 

Everyone else my thoughts and love as always. 

[[No...]]

Hi ... can't seem to settle down ... slept a little ... today was a little weird ... felt like I was going down a check list ... a "review" of the many symptoms I have been through ... a little of this, a little of that ... revving up and dropping off over a couple of hours ...

 

Thinking back on that dream fragment ... "this is about coherence, not meaning" ... 

[[No...]]

Hey Drew ... yep, another day in the books ... no money in overthinking ... one day at a time ... 

[[No...]]

Green ... doing the low and slow thing feels more grounded than the feeling of treading water ... more the sense of healing than just surviving ...

 

We are getting through this stuff ... maybe there really is an end in sight ... 

[[No...]]

Coop ... for me this feels like building a little stamina ... and the stress and exhaustion are still there ... hope we all find some quiet and some rest ... 

[[No...]]

Hi ... no quiet and rest around here ... this has morphed into heavy bunch of stuff ... nice way to spend a Sunday ... 

 

Nothing new ... same old stuff, different day ... 

[[...]]

Difficult day here too.  Heavy is a good word to describe it.  Lots of fear,  fatigue and spacey dizzy.  The what ifs are screaming.  Cant get out of my head

[[Co...]]

Good morning Nova and Marj.  I see you have the row boat out ...hand me an oar..  same here.. up at 430 with mini panic ( faux can't breathe.. what if...what if..  etc etc)...giving my strategies a whirl....a little reality testing, a little breathing, a little ' one minute at a time'...a little remembering that yesterday I was feeling the healing underneath the anxiety.. some distraction..  Seems like all those mental gymnastics would be enough to back it down. Just getting the dog out this morning is an act of pushing through..

.....Nova and Marj....looks like we are sea mates today...I am sure that I will be on here today.  I am here for venting, lammenting, knashing of teeth, crying, cursing, joking, philosophizing  etc etc....Here's to getting through one more day ( looks like one hour at a time for me) ...one day closer...

....We have all had some sunbreaks in the last week.  Hold on to those..  thinking of you both.....coop

[[No...]]

Yep ... heavy stuff today ... has not been this loud in a few weeks ... letting this one be is sort of hard when it is this loud ... and we have gotten through worse stuff ...

 

Marj and Coop ... we just hang out and keep things slow ... no point in getting hijacked with this stuff ... doesn't do any good anyway ...

[[be...]]

Morning all,

Looks like some of you are having  a rough Sunday morning.

My morning is actually not to bad. Friday morning was a bad one, yesterday and today not so bad.

Hoping this pattern lasts for me for a while.

 

Hope you guys get some let up later today.

 

Keeping it low and slow.

[[No...]]

Hi Beulah ... I am in the thick soup today ... so will just muddle along until this one passes ... that's what we do ...

 

Good to hear you are having a quiet morning ... 

[[...]]

Hey everyone:

 

Would appreciate your thoughts.

 

In a few days I'll be @ 18 months off benzos and close to

(13 months off remeron 3.75 mg from jan to may 2014 -5 months total).

 

I continue having a hard time coping with this recovery. Hard to believe it can be still this extreme. Except for the tinnitus, some back, chest & shoulder pain, the physical stuff is minimal.

 

The relentless stuff is all mental.

 

The old mental symptoms I still deal with are the following ;

 

1)Depression/hopelessness/despair , (2-3 times a week,not consecutive)not as dark and scary as 6-8 month ago but still very bad.

 

2)Raw Anxiety is much better but when it hits it hits hard.

 

3)Morning doom and gloom (anxiety)somewhat better but still here.

 

4) dizziness comes and goes.

 

5) not as much looping thoughts but still with me.

 

6) normal stresses can still debilitate me

 

7) The, this will never end thoughts

 

occasional nausea

 

9) occasional short crying spells from the above mainly the depression/hopelessness

 

 

Fairly new symtoms;

 

1) extreme fear/terror (anxiety?)

 

2) sleep somewhat starting to suffer again

 

 

I'm sure I'm not alone but all the mental stuff continues to cycle & is still so extreme with very few breaks. I do get breaks, not windows just less badness.

 

 

I'm still working ,traveling domestic and international. Most of the time on auto pilot but doing it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm pushing too much? Then there's times that I realize without the work there would be very little distraction and distraction is what has gotten me this far. I also workout (not extreme) 4-5 times a week

 

I admit there has been improvement but I'm no where near I'd thought I'd be at this time. Maybe has to do with my ct maybe some kindling maybe years of alcohol maybe not. All I know is that this is relentless and even though I'm 18 months off of benzos, 2years off of alcohol and take nothing but (2mg of vistaril)2-3 times a month, seems like I'm in for much more time in this slop.

 

I just feel stuck with little to no improvement. Also I feel like I'm one of the more extreme WD cases which creates a more sense of hopelessness.  Don't mean to be a downer but those are the facts.

 

Can anyone relate to something similar? Can this still be so difficult this far out?

 

Thk u all

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[be...]]

Hi Green, ...I did a search but only came up with a couple ...there is one over on the post w/d board, but it is mostly regarding difficult breathing and air hunger. Nobody seems to have the cough with it. Beulah comes the closest with her bronchitis, cough and shortness of breath. I am playing the game like you and Nova...doing a little but staying very low and slow in my safe zone...also not stirring the beast. I take 12 mg of benedryl when I start head g towards panic with the back/chest pain. I am sure it's w/d , but my fears pull me in....I am using everything I used in acute...mindless tv, BBs,..fb, If it wasn't for this I would be so much more hopeful.

...My grandsons were over earlier for hoagies and ice cream after they saw Jurassic World...I was somewhat ok and enjoyed them so much....but was tired and ramped when they left....I am getting closer but I am so tired of living on the edges of normal....5 more months...I do feel the healing underneath consistently...I just feel like I am tip toeing around life....will be so happy to see this fear go....who has the 'Fear Be Gone'...I need it for a few days....

.....How was your day Green?.  ..I still can't believe you used to pass out in your first w/d and learned how to overcome it....if you can do that I can go another 5 months....coop

 

Coop, low and slow, yes, that's a perfect way to put it.  All three of us in the same place, me, you, Nova, low and slow. 

 

But that stupid cough.  Beulah had bronchitis, which is different.  You're coming up clean on all of your diagnostics.

 

I remember Jennie had trouble breathing for a long time, I don't know if there was a cough, but she just couldn't breathe.  did you talk to her?

 

Coop, does the cough/breathing issue come and go the same way as all of our symptoms?  Do you have it all the time?  Or does it completely disappear for periods of time?  Also, is it a dry cough or a productive cough?

 

P.S.  That was Beulah who passed out in withdrawal.  Me, I just drove my car into a retaining wall eight weeks out.  (no one hurt.  just damage)  I got some kind of muscle jerking thing and literally drove the car into a half wall.

 

Oh, you just drove your car into a retaining wall..that's all..omg. Glad nobody was hurt.

I've done some weird things because of the muscle jerking..but nothing like that.

 

Yes, my coughing was different when I had bronchitis. I recognized the difference between bronchitis coughing and breathing vs withdrawal coughing and breathing. They are both bad but with the bronchitis it was coughing around the clock with no let up. The withdrawal breathing I got some breaks..some for many days.

I can breathe fine till I go into a wave. I still have these funny sounds that come from my lungs.

We shall overcome!!

 

Low and slow.

 

[[...]]

Not been able to do anything except lie down. Not felt this bad in a while,  it feels so permanent. Going to try a walk, it may help with the breathing.  I need to get out as my hortible neighbour has had his power washer on ALL day and its raining!

[[Co...]]

Beulah....so happy to hear that you are having a good day.  And....it gives the rest of us hope to read it....Enjoy your Sunday Super Power Girl....Wishing you all the things you love to do on a good day.....coop

[[Co...]]

Not been able to do anything except lie down. Not felt this bad in a while,  it feels so permanent. Going to try a walk, it may help with the breathing.  I need to get out as my hortible neighbour has had his power washer on ALL day and its raining!

 

......Marj..  Yep, a lay down day here too.  They come and go.  You are going to get some more better days pretty soon. Sometimes low and slow gets us through and it's good to listen to what your body wants. Some thrive better on pushing through ...some have to push through , like you, to support thier families.  some of us are on and off bed or couch ridden...it's all so individual and even changes from one wave to the next in the same person. ...

......It's not permanent Marj..  but it feels like it is.. I hope you get a few sunbreaks today to keep you going....it doesn't help to have a whack a doodle neighbor.......copp

[[Co...]]

Hey everyone:

 

Would appreciate your thoughts.

 

In a few days I'll be @ 18 months off benzos and close to

(13 months off remeron 3.75 mg from jan to may 2014 -5 months total).

 

I continue having a hard time coping with this recovery. Hard to believe it can be still this extreme. Except for the tinnitus, some back, chest & shoulder pain, the physical stuff is minimal.

 

The relentless stuff is all mental.

 

The old mental symptoms I still deal with are the following ;

 

1)Depression/hopelessness/despair , (2-3 times a week,not consecutive)not as dark and scary as 6-8 month ago but still very bad.

 

2)Raw Anxiety is much better but when it hits it hits hard.

 

3)Morning doom and gloom (anxiety)somewhat better but still here.

 

4) dizziness comes and goes.

 

5) not as much looping thoughts but still with me.

 

6) normal stresses can still debilitate me

 

7) The, this will never end thoughts

 

occasional nausea

 

9) occasional short crying spells from the above mainly the depression/hopelessness

 

 

Fairly new symtoms;

 

1) extreme fear/terror (anxiety?)

 

2) sleep somewhat starting to suffer again

 

 

I'm sure I'm not alone but all the mental stuff continues to cycle & is still so extreme with very few breaks. I do get breaks, not windows just less badness.

 

 

I'm still working ,traveling domestic and international. Most of the time on auto pilot but doing it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm pushing too much? Then there's times that I realize without the work there would be very little distraction and distraction is what has gotten me this far. I also workout (not extreme) 4-5 times a week

 

I admit there has been improvement but I'm no where near I'd thought I'd be at this time. Maybe has to do with my ct maybe some kindling maybe years of alcohol maybe not. All I know is that this is relentless and even though I'm 18 months off of benzos, 2years off of alcohol and take nothing but (2mg of vistaril)2-3 times a month, seems like I'm in for much more time in this slop.

 

I just feel stuck with little to no improvement. Also I feel like I'm one of the more extreme WD cases which creates a more sense of hopelessness.  Don't mean to be a downer but those are the facts.

 

Can anyone relate to something similar? Can this still be so difficult this far out?

 

Thk u all

 

.......JR.....So sorry to hear that month 18 is so difficult...So many of us are going through practically another acute in months 16-20....stinks.

.....I am in month 19+ 10 days....I have been in a wave since yje end of March....Having said that , many of my sx have fallen away, but anxiety has increased by 10,000...actually debilitating and drives health fear lIke I never knew existed at such brutal intensity.......So I hear ya..  What the heck....

.....I have no words of great encouragement....just know that you are not alone. There are 3 or 4 of us rowing for all we are worth across this wave....I do believe it ends, but it seems like it ends only after we have rowed across two oceans shore to shore in a rickety fragile row boat with sometimes more suffers than it was meant to ferry....

.......You have my heart...I know how bad you feel on all counts....This is what is keeping me together today....Beulah used to get such bad panic attacks that she passed out...even in her car....she pulled to the side of the road, passed out and continued driving after her panic was over. This story is going to become the legend of w/d land. ...and she has endured 2 withdrawls....I guess I can go 5/6 more months

......You ( and all of us)

.... are going to wash up on the the shore.  on the other side of the ocean....beat to hell but healed.

........coop

 

 

y

[[Gr...]]

Green. ...it WAS Beulah!!!....I got lost in the posts and quotes and thought it was you....Man...that girl has true Super Powers...and ...she suffered from health fears in her first w/d too.....You drove your car into a divider?....Glad you were ok..

...the cough...it comes and goes throughout the day...talking and eating cause me to cough and lose my breath. If I am calm and in my safe zone it is less...my back and chest hurt and my upper abdomen hurts if I eat a y thing more than yogurt or mashed potatoes....praying it's not gall bladder...Hong it's esophogitis.. in a panic I am sure it's a heart attack....then I take 1/4 of a benedryl...I know...I would rather not take benedryl but it keeps me from begging my daughter to come and get me and take me to er...I just have to get to Tuesday and be evaluated again in a sane rational manner....as opposed to the craziness of er. ...I do feel that the rib/chest pain gets worse over the day...well blah blah blah....health fear looming.. 

....I don't think we will always have to be low and slow, but for right now it's keeping me put together

...I couldnt do this without you and Nova and Beulah and Sky and everyone here..  Hope you are cozier down in your zone...Are you still doing the geneology?....I want to be Italian, but I am not...I am French and Irish....I would rather be Italian.......Wishing you a peaceful night in your safety zone....coop

 

Coop, I think Beulah is right, I think it's withdrawal.  I'm not crazy about doctors, but they're smart and they find things when something is wrong.  Diagnostic tests don't lie. 

The rib, chest and back pain is the deciding factor for me, believing it's withdrawal, because I distinctly remember HH complaining about the exact same thing, that precise symptom.  I didn't have it, and so I remembered wondering about it.

[[Gr...]]

Beulah...you are one determined strong willed girl...It is hugely reassuring to hear that your panics just stopped and your first w/d was done in 2 years.  I think this one won't be that much behind that. 

...I love your story ...It is so rock solid and encouraging ...

..........coop

 

Me, too, Beulah, I'm stunned by what you've been through.  Although when I sit down and think about it, I have more than a decade long dance with the benzos myself, including a number of failed attemts at getting off.

 

I hope you're going to write a success story.  I think it would be powerful and motivate a lot of people.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Green, ...I did a search but only came up with a couple ...there is one over on the post w/d board, but it is mostly regarding difficult breathing and air hunger. Nobody seems to have the cough with it. Beulah comes the closest with her bronchitis, cough and shortness of breath. I am playing the game like you and Nova...doing a little but staying very low and slow in my safe zone...also not stirring the beast. I take 12 mg of benedryl when I start head g towards panic with the back/chest pain. I am sure it's w/d , but my fears pull me in....I am using everything I used in acute...mindless tv, BBs,..fb, If it wasn't for this I would be so much more hopeful.

...My grandsons were over earlier for hoagies and ice cream after they saw Jurassic World...I was somewhat ok and enjoyed them so much....but was tired and ramped when they left....I am getting closer but I am so tired of living on the edges of normal....5 more months...I do feel the healing underneath consistently...I just feel like I am tip toeing around life....will be so happy to see this fear go....who has the 'Fear Be Gone'...I need it for a few days....

.....How was your day Green?.  ..I still can't believe you used to pass out in your first w/d and learned how to overcome it....if you can do that I can go another 5 months....coop

 

Coop, low and slow, yes, that's a perfect way to put it.  All three of us in the same place, me, you, Nova, low and slow. 

 

But that stupid cough.  Beulah had bronchitis, which is different.  You're coming up clean on all of your diagnostics.

 

I remember Jennie had trouble breathing for a long time, I don't know if there was a cough, but she just couldn't breathe.  did you talk to her?

 

Coop, does the cough/breathing issue come and go the same way as all of our symptoms?  Do you have it all the time?  Or does it completely disappear for periods of time?  Also, is it a dry cough or a productive cough?

 

P.S.  That was Beulah who passed out in withdrawal.  Me, I just drove my car into a retaining wall eight weeks out.  (no one hurt.  just damage)  I got some kind of muscle jerking thing and literally drove the car into a half wall.

 

Oh, you just drove your car into a retaining wall..that's all..omg. Glad nobody was hurt.

I've done some weird things because of the muscle jerking..but nothing like that.

 

Yes, my coughing was different when I had bronchitis. I recognized the difference between bronchitis coughing and breathing vs withdrawal coughing and breathing. They are both bad but with the bronchitis it was coughing around the clock with no let up. The withdrawal breathing I got some breaks..some for many days.

I can breathe fine till I go into a wave. I still have these funny sounds that come from my lungs.

We shall overcome!!

 

Low and slow.

 

Beulah, you've been through hell and back, I guess we all have. 

 

The breathing, I've had faux asthma, but not the legitimate bronchitis.  And you're right, you can tell the difference when it's not withdrawal.  I had pneumonia in 2012, and you can absolutely tell.

 

No, no one was hurt.  I did a lot of damage to the car, though.  If I think about it, I did more crazy stuff the year after I jumped than all the years I was on the stuff, lol.  I threw a lot of clothes and household stuff in the garbage.  I still have no idea why I would do that.

 

Having been through this before, and being close to the two year mark, do you feel like you're close?  Were the symptoms any different this time than the first withdrawal?

[[Gr...]]

Hi all...today not as good as yesterday but I did another 3.5 mile trail hike, went about all my errands, and had a fine dining out experience.  Did okay but not optimal. Not overthinking it and it's another day in the books. 

 

Welcome serenity!

 

Everyone else my thoughts and love as always. 

 

Even if it's not optimal, just keep going and living as best you can. 

[[Gr...]]

Good morning Nova and Marj.  I see you have the row boat out ...hand me an oar..  same here.. up at 430 with mini panic ( faux can't breathe.. what if...what if..  etc etc)...giving my strategies a whirl....a little reality testing, a little breathing, a little ' one minute at a time'...a little remembering that yesterday I was feeling the healing underneath the anxiety.. some distraction..  Seems like all those mental gymnastics would be enough to back it down. Just getting the dog out this morning is an act of pushing through..

.....Nova and Marj....looks like we are sea mates today...I am sure that I will be on here today.  I am here for venting, lammenting, knashing of teeth, crying, cursing, joking, philosophizing  etc etc....Here's to getting through one more day ( looks like one hour at a time for me) ...one day closer...

....We have all had some sunbreaks in the last week.  Hold on to those..  thinking of you both.....coop

 

Coop, just think, this wave could be your last.  That's where we're at now, when we get a wave, it's a good possibility it's our last. 

[[Sk...]]

Hey everyone:

 

Would appreciate your thoughts.

 

In a few days I'll be @ 18 months off benzos and close to

(13 months off remeron 3.75 mg from jan to may 2014 -5 months total).

 

I continue having a hard time coping with this recovery. Hard to believe it can be still this extreme. Except for the tinnitus, some back, chest & shoulder pain, the physical stuff is minimal.

 

The relentless stuff is all mental.

 

The old mental symptoms I still deal with are the following ;

 

1)Depression/hopelessness/despair , (2-3 times a week,not consecutive)not as dark and scary as 6-8 month ago but still very bad.

 

2)Raw Anxiety is much better but when it hits it hits hard.

 

3)Morning doom and gloom (anxiety)somewhat better but still here.

 

4) dizziness comes and goes.

 

5) not as much looping thoughts but still with me.

 

6) normal stresses can still debilitate me

 

7) The, this will never end thoughts

 

occasional nausea

 

9) occasional short crying spells from the above mainly the depression/hopelessness

 

 

Fairly new symtoms;

 

1) extreme fear/terror (anxiety?)

 

2) sleep somewhat starting to suffer again

 

 

I'm sure I'm not alone but all the mental stuff continues to cycle & is still so extreme with very few breaks. I do get breaks, not windows just less badness.

 

 

I'm still working ,traveling domestic and international. Most of the time on auto pilot but doing it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm pushing too much? Then there's times that I realize without the work there would be very little distraction and distraction is what has gotten me this far. I also workout (not extreme) 4-5 times a week

 

I admit there has been improvement but I'm no where near I'd thought I'd be at this time. Maybe has to do with my ct maybe some kindling maybe years of alcohol maybe not. All I know is that this is relentless and even though I'm 18 months off of benzos, 2years off of alcohol and take nothing but (2mg of vistaril)2-3 times a month, seems like I'm in for much more time in this slop.

 

I just feel stuck with little to no improvement. Also I feel like I'm one of the more extreme WD cases which creates a more sense of hopelessness.  Don't mean to be a downer but those are the facts.

 

Can anyone relate to something similar? Can this still be so difficult this far out?

 

Thk u all

 

.......JR.....So sorry to hear that month 18 is so difficult...So many of us are going through practically another acute in months 16-20....stinks.

.....I am in month 19+ 10 days....I have been in a wave since yje end of March....Having said that , many of my sx have fallen away, but anxiety has increased by 10,000...actually debilitating and drives health fear lIke I never knew existed at such brutal intensity.......So I hear ya..  What the heck....

.....I have no words of great encouragement....just know that you are not alone. There are 3 or 4 of us rowing for all we are worth across this wave....I do believe it ends, but it seems like it ends only after we have rowed across two oceans shore to shore in a rickety fragile row boat with sometimes more suffers than it was meant to ferry....

.......You have my heart...I know how bad you feel on all counts....This is what is keeping me together today....Beulah used to get such bad panic attacks that she passed out...even in her car....she pulled to the side of the road, passed out and continued driving after her panic was over. This story is going to become the legend of w/d land. ...and she has endured 2 withdrawls....I guess I can go 5/6 more months

......You ( and all of us)

.... are going to wash up on the the shore.  on the other side of the ocean....beat to hell but healed.

........coop

 

 

y

 

Coop, you are right, it's as if, when the other symptoms subside the anxiety gets stronger. Much stronger.

 

My anxiety today was off the charts, for instance. It gets so strong, it feels like a veil of pain wrapping and squashing my heart and my stomach.

And it comes to me, mid day. Morning and evening it abates, at least I get that.

 

J-Rod, you are at a bad month,  but your wd is not incurable at all, that is just a benzo lie. You are not a special case. You are going to heal just like the rest of us.

 

Coop, is it you who is getting chest and rib cage pain ? very very strong and sudden? I have been having that in these last days, it's a little scary, I have to say.