12-18 month support

[[Gr...]]

Green ... talk about d/r ... saw a couple of deer this morning ... we just stood there and stared at one another ... maybe for 5 minutes or so ... was kind of weird and actually quite engaging ... a lot of energy going back and forth ... and no sound so no stress ... then I turned away and left them to whatever deer do this time of day ...

 

 

Nova, I am seeing the deer, feeling the quiet moment between you both.  I absolutely believe this neuro adaptation process has transformed some of us, in a very good way.  I believe in that kind of energy.

 

I am so excited and hopeful to hear of your rambles, to think of you out there for hours with your sticks. I'm right behind ya. 

[[Gr...]]

I don't know the difference either...I mean I read the descriptions but all I know is I feel like I am on another planet metally and my brain feels extra weird.  Also, my health fears, looping what if thoughts, etc...skyrocket.  I am NOT following in your footsteps on this    It is already much better for me.  even on my bad days which are waaaay less now it seems to lift for a few hours.  I now have many days at a time without this crap. 

 

I really need to use spellcheck all the time.

 

Sounds good.  It's not that we misspell, the  spellcheck rewrites.  I'm thinking of turning mine off.  I can spell on my own now!

[[No...]]

Yes ... for me, this is now about things "coming back" ... I have never had any "fear" in the bush ... even in the high mountains out West ... lots of caution and common sense, yes, and I have never been "lost" ... many times did not know where I was exactly, and never felt lost ... trusting in my "senses" ... a stirring of the return of "trust" in my being ... 

 

I have been comfortable in the bush ... and I want that comfort back ... it feeds me ... nourishes me ...

 

Also, did some rug hooking this weekend ... the motor skills are returning ... the motion memory, the technique memory are there again, a little rough around the edges and that is okay for now ... getting that sense of "zone" back ... moving from pattern to hook, a rhythm, back and forth ...

 

A quiet whisper of joy ... 

[[Co...]]

Green, yep.. analyzing.. questioning and imagining impossible possibilities..  Thank you for reminding me the other day that these are INTRUSIVE fears.. w/d.  That helped me so much identify them as a w/d sx..  and as such will eventually go away..  Yes, the d/r d/p at least gives us a little buffer from the physical/looping thoughts ....My cough is still bothering me, but not quite as much...it is now back/rib/ chest pain...pain everywhere really, but mostly ribs/chest...scares me....my culture results should be in tomorrow.  hopefully it hasn't grown anything and I can stop the antibiotic. Its not bothering me much except for some mild nausea.  I guess that's one good thing about all of the uti drama.. . I  have stumbled on to an antibiotic that I can tolerate.. wish it would make the cough /chest /back pain go away. I hope those who have had this are right....that eventually it goes away. I would have better luck reining in the run away health fear if the physical sx would give it a rest..  Today I am in that mode of if I am quiet and resting and distracting I am holding my own.. just. So I guess that's what my day will look like a lot today.  Not too much of a loss as it is 98 outside.  Everybody in my city is laying around the house in the coolness of central air

    Here's hoping the looping crazed thoughts give us a break...a few more months Sue.  We have done 24 ( counting taper).  we can go another 6..  onward....coop

 

[[No...]]

Coop ... 98 outside ... yikes ... I would be inside with the cool air as well ... we are having the wonderful high 60s and low 70s ... my kind of weather ... with a nice breeze ... and big hazy sunshine ...

 

We are getting through this ... we will enjoy this Summer in between bouts of stuff ... I say it will be so ... 

[[Gr...]]

Yes ... for me, this is now about things "coming back" ... I have never had any "fear" in the bush ... even in the high mountains out West ... lots of caution and common sense, yes, and I have never been "lost" ... many times did not know where I was exactly, and never felt lost ... trusting in my "senses" ... a stirring of the return of "trust" in my being ... 

 

I have been comfortable in the bush ... and I want that comfort back ... it feeds me ... nourishes me ...

 

Also, did some rug hooking this weekend ... the motor skills are returning ... the motion memory, the technique memory are there again, a little rough around the edges and that is okay for now ... getting that sense of "zone" back ... moving from pattern to hook, a rhythm, back and forth ...

 

A quiet whisper of joy ... 

 

We really do get ourselves back.  A little older, but us all the same, a better version of us.

[[Gr...]]

Green, yep.. analyzing.. questioning and imagining impossible possibilities..  Thank you for reminding me the other day that these are INTRUSIVE fears.. w/d.  That helped me so much identify them as a w/d sx..  and as such will eventually go away..  Yes, the d/r d/p at least gives us a little buffer from the physical/looping thoughts ....My cough is still bothering me, but not quite as much...it is now back/rib/ chest pain...pain everywhere really, but mostly ribs/chest...scares me....my culture results should be in tomorrow.  hopefully it hasn't grown anything and I can stop the antibiotic. Its not bothering me much except for some mild nausea.  I guess that's one good thing about all of the uti drama.. . I  have stumbled on to an antibiotic that I can tolerate.. wish it would make the cough /chest /back pain go away. I hope those who have had this are right....that eventually it goes away. I would have better luck reining in the run away health fear if the physical sx would give it a rest..  Today I am in that mode of if I am quiet and resting and distracting I am holding my own.. just. So I guess that's what my day will look like a lot today.  Not too much of a loss as it is 98 outside.  Everybody in my city is laying around the house in the coolness of central air

    Here's hoping the looping crazed thoughts give us a break...a few more months Sue.  We have done 24 ( counting taper).  we can go another 6..  onward....coop

 

Coop, that back, rib and chest pain is exactly, precisely what HH complained of, especially at the end it was very bad for her, even she, HH, was rattled by it.  Coop, it's def'l a wd sx, there's no doubt in my mind.  that being said doesn't make it any easier for you.  I know, my mental sx remain a torment.  Nova is doing so much better, Beulah, too, we're next!

[[Co...]]

Drew, take it from me...Auto correct is not your friend. ..lol.

....you are sounding gooood my friend.  I think all of us have moved forward on the surreal board game of w/d.. it's all in the roll of the dice whether we move forward or take 3 steps back, but eventually we find enough good rolls to get us out of this game of crazy. 

  So glad you are here with us Drew, ...love your posts and your story.. ..coop

[[Co...]]

Nova, your ramblings sound so idllyic. ..I used to hike too.. for me, it was like a walking meditation...I miss it. We have some beautiful parks in my city.  ..many of then accessible for wheelchairs so I still do those ( on good days).and we have 35 miles of a river walk that is entirely paved for bikes and wheelchairs.  I haven't done any of that yet this year.  It's a beautiful trek right on the river. Deer live 9n the hillside behind my complex, they come down to the yards in the middle of the night and try to get in the community gardens, but the gardens are behind 10 feet of mesh fencing. ...The deer are so gorgeous and graceful. 

. ...Nova, I know you are having your share of 'sick days', but overall you are sounding so much better than you did this winter.  ..I agree with Drew.  You are brave...a long ramble of no way out but through.  can't wait to hear about it.  sending wishes for big sunbreaks.  coop

[[Co...]]

Green, actually having someone affirming for me that this pain is w/d does make it easier to handle ...keeps me from going over the cliff. I remember when HH had some panics last winter and was scared for her heart and got very courageous and went to the doctor. ..I remember her saying that she got up....put on her grown up dress and high heels and went to the doctor. ..and all was well.  And I remember her towards the end of winter begging her husband to take her to er.  but got through the night without going to er...all of that was right before she turned a big corner.  Do you remember if she said how long this chest/back pain went on. This is scary because it's not like a sore achey back and chest...this is a painful back and chest, but I will say that it is better at rest.. My rational mind says it's w/d.. ..my health fear crazed mind says it's a heart attack waiting to happen....in spite of 3 recent ekgs ....crazed.  thanks Green for that reminder....coop

[[Co...]]

Nova, " things coming back"....what we are all waiting for.  .such a good thing....so happy to hear that this piece of healing is manifesting for you.....coop

[[Ko...]]

Hi Team,

 

I'm not very talkative today, but Ibwanted to report 2 lb loss last week and 5 lbs since I stopped eating waffles in the night 

 

Hope you all gave window soon.

[[Fi...]]

Okay, I'm envious, Korbe.  Good for you.  Today I've ridden my stationary bike, done yoga in the backyard, beat it back to the gym for the first time in eight months and now.....I'm getting ready to eat strawberry shortcake.  Gee, I wonder which part of this plan will sabotage my weight loss goals?

[[BJ...]]

I hit the "one year" mark today.  Still a long way to go to heal, but it feels good to make it to this point.  Compared to a year ago, I've come a long way.  Looking forward to what another year of healing can bring.  Best wishes to you all!

[[...]]

Thank you for your support kind friends,  this weekend has been really tough,  I feel thoroughly miserable,  like Ive forgotton how to be happy. I'm sure you've all been there from time to time.  I am telling myself it is just a wave and will pass. Its totally unreal how you forget when you felt better.  My brain just feels sick full of negativety.  Ive made it through bad times before so will do it again.

 

Coop your compassionate words sooth me,  you are a lovely person,  thank you 

[[Sk...]]

Marj--you did the right thing!  But I relate to your wondering if you should have written it out.  Often while recalling and essentially reliving stressful scenes to write in my memoir, I'd notice my blood pressure would spike.

 

But yes, that was the right thing.  He shouldn't think he can get away with that stuff.  They have problems, obviously.  You don't need to be drawn into being an unwilling observer to his little pranks. 

 

And by the way, this would upset  somebody NOT in benzo withdrawal!

 

 

Marj, I can' t find your original post on the topic.

 

Unfortunately, the madness of the world does not stop because we are sick. You were brave and you did the right thing.

 

How infuriating.

 

And about the wife, women will go to great lengths to defend their husbands of horrid things, it must be to save their own face, maybe.  ANd the best defense seems to be to attack, all the more violently if you are wrong.

 

I trust my brain so little, I did not think I had understood your post correctly, that's how unbelievable the incident is.

FJ - Thank you so much for replying, it means a lot  I know this is quite personal but I want to process it and not bury it. Sometimes when I am in a wave, like now, it bothers me so much I think I will never get over it. The wife said some pretty nasty things to me in relation to my losses. I really don't like having such feelings about someone and then at other times I can hold my head high.

[[Sk...]]

Green ... talk about d/r ... saw a couple of deer this morning ... we just stood there and stared at one another ... maybe for 5 minutes or so ... was kind of weird and actually quite engaging ... a lot of energy going back and forth ... and no sound so no stress ... then I turned away and left them to whatever deer do this time of day ...

 

 

NOva, thanks for giving us this beautiful image. A deer is just what I needed to think of, on a day like today. 

[[...]]

Marj--you did the right thing!  But I relate to your wondering if you should have written it out.  Often while recalling and essentially reliving stressful scenes to write in my memoir, I'd notice my blood pressure would spike.

 

But yes, that was the right thing.  He shouldn't think he can get away with that stuff.  They have problems, obviously.  You don't need to be drawn into being an unwilling observer to his little pranks. 

 

And by the way, this would upset  somebody NOT in benzo withdrawal!

 

 

Marj, I can' t find your original post on the topic.

 

Unfortunately, the madness of the world does not stop because we are sick. You were brave and you did the right thing.

 

How infuriating.

 

And about the wife, women will go to great lengths to defend their husbands of horrid things, it must be to save their own face, maybe.  ANd the best defense seems to be to attack, all the more violently if you are wrong.

 

I trust my brain so little, I did not think I had understood your post correctly, that's how unbelievable the incident is.

FJ - Thank you so much for replying, it means a lot  I know this is quite personal but I want to process it and not bury it. Sometimes when I am in a wave, like now, it bothers me so much I think I will never get over it. The wife said some pretty nasty things to me in relation to my losses. I really don't like having such feelings about someone and then at other times I can hold my head high.

 

Thanks Sky,

 

Yes you are right,  there is a lot of madness in the world. Sometimes peoples true colours shock us.

 

My brain is untrustable too,  it took me about 20 seconds to recall the words 'watering can' this evening 

[[Co...]]

Marj.  It is a wave..  your brain will remember again how to be happy. It is so true and absolute classic w/d that when in a wave we can not connect with what we feel in a window. You have come such a long way....you are healing.  and your life is going to come back.  Time is the great healer for us...you just have to survive.  Get from one day to the next.  We are here for you.  As often as you need support. ...

  .I think you did the right thing for yourself in writing about the experience with your neighbor. Processing events is important in this crazy w/d.  Having support and 'reality checks' from trusted friends is a huge help in making sense of the things that happen to us.  ...

...Your posts have been helpful and reassuring to me too.  We are all in this together.  helping each other through this

.....thinking of you....coop

[[...]]

Coop  Im so glad I joined this group,  great support. Its comforting and I believe in safety in numbers 

[[Sk...]]

I hate doing this, I have to bother you with details from my offline life. They are probably going to affect my wd.

 

The house, we just accepted an offer on it. It's an incredibly low offer, but that is all we can get at a time like this.

 

I feel weird about the whole thing. I came to live here in this town, 6 years ago under benzos and I would have liked to leave it cured, in order to know what it really was like.

I know some bad things have happened here, mr Sky never really liked it in the end and as of today, I still don't have any real honest to God friends.

I guess that after a certain age, it gets harder and harder to make friends from scratch. People our age are busy devoting their time to family and don't seem too interested in making friends with new people, at least that is what my very  general, maybe sick, impression is.

 

Anyway, there are a lot of mixed emotions. We had a long series of unfortunate events happen here and we do need a bigger house, closer to our new needs.

 

But I am scared, of  the change, of all the logistical problems we will be facing and those will be quite a few.

 

I wanted to  be healed, in order to do all these things but that won't happen. So I am anxious. We have to look for another house, move our things and in all this, I will have to try to keep on  working and also visit my mother before we move in.

 

We want to get a house that, in a pinch, would accomodate my mother  as well,

 

I had started seeing this town for the first time with any clarity, in wd, a year ago. How ironic. 

 

Yesterday, because of this, I had a bad attack of anxiety. So, I started looking into CBT, to see if I can cope with these moments. I checked out a website and I found some material online, I am working on trying to understand it with my benzo brain.

 

I found a anxiety worksheet, and I had a look.

 

I am including this quote, I thought it was interesting.

 

Switching worry topics: Research on worry has found that people often “hop” from

one worry topic to another. They think about one worry, which makes them feel

anxious, and then they switch to another worry. The problem with this approach is

that you never get to fully “digest” your fear, and really clearly see what it is that

you are afraid of. Instead, you are avoiding upsetting thoughts and feelings by

constantly “switching” your worries. The problem with this strategy is that

avoidance doesn’t work in the long run. So how is a worry script different? Rather than putting all of your energy into avoiding

upsetting thoughts and images, you can instead face your fears head on! By writing

about your biggest worry, you will be facing those negative thoughts and bad feelings.

You will also get a clear picture of what it is you are really afraid of, which will give you a

chance to “digest” your anxiety and change how you think about your fear. People who

write a worry script for a few weeks report that they feel less anxious and worried about

the worry topic they were working on.

The Good News…

Although you might have many worries about hypothetical situations, they usually fall

under one or two themes. That is, different worries might involve a similar idea.

For example, worries about losing your job, problems in your relationship, and concerns

about your personal health might all involve a theme of personal failure (that is, “what if I

don’t succeed in life, and others see me as a failure?”). When you work on one worry

script, your worries about a similar theme will also go down.

 

I think there are some interesting considerations here, for all of us and I am going to work on a worry script. Some points above, do apply to me.

 

Excuse me for such a long post.

 

Another thing, I sometimes do not respond to all the posts I read, but for one reason, I feel so stupid, I do not know what to say.

 

LIke Coop's UTC. I could not remember one single thing on the topic and even though, I was worried, I did not respond. I feel bad about that, sometimes I understand some posts, long after they have been written.

 

I don't know where I am going with this. Actually, I do. Now, I am going to bed, I have to wake up early tomorrow. 

 

Thanks for listening, hope to receive some advice on how to cope with my anxiety. 

 

Night and happy healing.

[[Co...]]

:Sky....I am so sorry that you have to move...moving makes us anxious even when we are not w/ding ...I moved during my taper. .It was difficult but not as hard as I thought it would be. None of the things I feared a out moving ( not being able to go confidently in my new neighborhood, not feeling at home in my new apartment, losing contact with my small circle of friends)...none of these things happened...it took a little while but things sorted themselves out.

...The logistics of moving took careful planning ...as I could not at that time in acute plan much of anything my son made a plan and a time line of tasks ...each single day had a list of things to be accomplished...we put the ideas for the plan together jointly....but my son sorted out the details and the time line. In the end I just looked at one day at a time and did the tasks rote. My son had to do much of the financial organizing and transactions...I tried to think of only each day singly. My mind often ran away with me, but if I kept coming back to the daily task plan I could find my place again. Often the list was so simple a first grader could do it...ie...empty dresser drawers and pack contents.."...we tried to not have too many tasks on a given day.. but you may be more pressed for time...It's going to be ok Sky...No doubt your anxiety will be engaged...but it's going to be ok. You have Mr Sky at your side and you know we are all here to support you through it.

...I am really glad you brought this to the thread. W/D effects our entire lives...There will be a lot of good and helpful ideas here for you about navigating a move.

....I think there are so many good things about CBT, but some of it is time consuming and requires exercises and learning new strategies...it can be easy to fall into the mind trick of feeling like you are 'not doing it right' or you ' forgot' certain strategies....If it were me, I would just take the bits and pieces that appeal to you in the moment and focus on those and maybe think about CBT as a whole after you are a little more settled...that is just my thought. Drew would be the one to really share thoughts about CBT training with you...I just know it can be involved. 

...Sky, dear friend....you are so far away from being anything less than hugely intelligent, bright, reflective, lovely lovely person. Benzo w/d tells us so many lies about ourselves. Sky, there is no way that I could have worked during w/d ...and traveled to spend 3 weeks with a fragile mother and less than understanding relatives.  Sky...you are an amazing person. Nobody on this thread gives a whit if you remember details of our posts.. you always bring support and compassion and insight and humor to us. We would not be the little band of friends that we are, who have come so far together if you were not bringing all the gifts that you offer to the table.

  ..You are very smart...and hugely competent Sky.  We will all help you through your move one day at a time. 

...I know all the buddies here will post back with great encouragement ...The most helpful thing to me when I moved was the same as in w/d.  One day at a time.  And knowing that tomorrow is another day and another chance to move forward..  and btw.  I am still not making new friends. . maybe in the third year.  or maybe when I am 70.  I can not yet handle verbal conversations...

  .We're with you Sky . Love to you.  coop

[[Gr...]]

Hi Team,

 

I'm not very talkative today, but Ibwanted to report 2 lb loss last week and 5 lbs since I stopped eating waffles in the night 

 

Hope you all gave window soon.

 

Korbe, that's wonderful news!  So happy for you.  5.  Great.

[[Co...]]

Korbe.  It's a big deal to give up a comfort while still in w/d.  I can put away half a bag of ruffles potato chips in a sunbreak.....waffles and butter and syrup...that would be a tough one to let go of...yay for you.. .carry on girl....coop

[[dr...]]

Well...I made seven weeks without my visual aura but I just had one.  I'm not upset as I used to get many more and this is the longest period between them I can remember.  I also only got a stiff neck for a short while and not many other usual symptoms.  They seem to be lowering in frequency and intensity along with everything else. I'll know more by tomorrow if my anxiety shoots up along w a headache.  For some reason I'm not what iffing it. 

 

On a funny note....these auras and migraine things are heavily genetic and I was wondering why I didn't know of anyone else in my family who gets them.  I was just chatting w my dad and he causally mentions he's had them without the headache for around thirty five years!  What an ass for him never telling me. I've complained in panics thinking I was having a stroke when I first got them.  He said he never thought to mention it.