12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... got some sleep ... no flu this this morning ... feeling kind of mellow at the moment ...

 

And yes, for me this flu stuff or whatever has nothing to do with "pushing the boundaries" ... this stuff just is right now ... so I will keep pushing ... seems to be the task for me at this point ...

 

It is feeling like I am going around a house that has not had its windows opened for a very long time ... and getting one window open at a time ... and even though I am still having sick days, the windows are staying open ...

 

Enduring sick days is still enduring sick days ... and ... day by day, it feels like things are getting lighter ...

 

May we all be well ... 

[[No...]]

Hi ... you know, it is beginning to feel like the return of something ... perhaps we can call it "balance" or "equilibrium" ... or for a medical term, "allostasis" ...

 

Once again, this is a reflection, a meandering around in this stuff ... I certainly do not understand this stuff, I am only experiencing it ...

 

At the heart of this is my body's ability to restore health ... without my direct intervention ... it seems to me that all I have had to do, and at most times during this process, all I could do, was hang on ... trust the process, endure the process, and with as much outside reassurance as I could find, trying not to get tangled up in "health fears" ...

 

Perhaps the core of the stress I experience during this recovery is the seesawing back and forth between this trust and this fear ... and this informs me of the importance of this community ... the constant giving of reassurance to each other while we move through the days of our recovery ...

 

Many months ago the word "weathering" appeared in the conversation ... and I feel it is still useful today ... individually, we all experience our own "weather" during this process ... and it may be here, posting about our local "weather", reading about the "weather" others are experiencing, day in and day out ... that the blessing of our community manifests itself ...

 

May we all be well ... 

[[Co...]]

Good morning Nova, happy to hear that your day is starting out with mellow ...yep...an equalibrium ...something solid underneath the remaining sx. ...I agree, the sx are what they are regardless of what I do or don't do. ...Hopefully this is a notch up on the progress continuum. 

....have goid day Nova.  coop

[[Co...]]

Hi Korbe....hope you had better sleep last night.  Yep, I do think that we are closing in on the last long mile of this particular marathon from hell. ...I think the next few months will bring us more healing. Are you down to one or two significant sx?  ...what a band of friends we are...onward ...we are making headway.. Wishing you sunbreaks today...coop

[[...]]

Hi everyone, pleased everyone seems to be doing better. Drew, what you said about a wave is totally spot on, and that is where I am now ie. This will never get better, this has to be something else and I’ll have to live with this pain forever yada yada. Can you further alongers relate to this a 14 months? I think this could be also compounded by the lack of understanding from my close family (mother) and then the guilt at withdrawing from them just to save yourself the stress and then them taking it personally. There is so much to battle in recovery from benzo’s.

 

Anyway the neigbours…….. An Husband and wife who I had always been on friendly terms. Always though he is a bit odd but if we were all the same…………… Oh and by the way, they hate each other. Anyway couple of summers ago I walked into my back garden and noticed he was in his, not totally out in the open but not tucked away. When I looked over to say good morning as I was walking to my back gate, to my horror he was completely naked with his back to me. From the movement of his arm it was very apparent what he was doing. I was shocked to say the least (this was in my tapering time). He looked over his shoulder to see me standing there although briefly, it felt like a long time. I had to get away, so I hurriedly continued to exit my back gate, hyperventilating.  When I came back he had gone inside. I didn’t know what to do and was scared as to why someone would do this. I had also quite recently lost my Sister and Dad 3 months apart very suddenly so I was a mess and didn’t want confrontation; if I spoke to the wife he would just deny it. I left it a week, waiting for an explanation or apology. Nothing, so I reported him to the police who were very supportive and said I had done the correct thing. Needless to say we don’t communicate anymore after she verbally attacked me, as of course he had denied it both to her and the police. I just wanted him to know this was not acceptable especially as I am a single Mum of 2. They are vile and I detest them. When I am through withdrawal I hope to be able to laugh at them. For now it is still difficult at times.

 

Did I do the right thing? 

 

[[Sk...]]

Coop, you get the health fear, I get social anxiety, I get the mental obsessions about people, awkward social interactions -- I think that might be the DR -- I get paranoid, think most people are bad, malevolent, and just feel downright exhausted from a day of trying to relate -- just normal human interaction, talking to people, any people, order a cup of joe at Dunkin Donuts, torment.  Going over the conversations of the day in my mind, replaying them endlessly, what did I say that was a faux pas, what did someone else say that insulted me, that was insincere, endless. it's pure torment.  I know it's a symptom.  I should just not leave the house on days like this. :'(  hopefully it passes soon.  it's not as bad as acute, the mental sx, but they still pack quite a punch, make the day a challenge.  Actually, it's definitely much better, but it's really best when it's gone!!  Mental symptoms begone!

 

Drew, congrats on getting through that wedding in one piece.  That's quite an accomplishment.

 

FJ, congrats on your success story.  and your success.

 

Sky, hope you're doing better.

 

Green, you describe this one symptom so well. It's this shadow of malevolence in every thing under the sun, a disgusting cloud over facts and people. ANd I spend my time after, wondering over and over how it went, and analzying every detail.

 

Exhausting, really and it leaves me feeling a little sullied.

[[...]]

Maybe I shouldn’t have posted this as typing it out and thinking about it has put me in a state of panic 

[[be...]]

Morning all,

 

It seems everyone is feeling a bit better this Monday morning...including myself.

I have some company coming over later this afternoon...so I've been doing some last minute cleaning and worrying. I'm so not looking forward to this visit..it's some of my husband's family..I love them very much..but they have no idea of what I'm going through and I need to do a lot of faking.

We have run out of excuses as to why no visiting with them for two yrs.

 

I put a beef chuck roast in the crock pot for some beef barbecue sandwiches..my husband picked up some premade cole slaw and a strawberry shortcake....I hope they eat fast.

 

Use to love visits like these...not so much now. I'm hoping this goes well..for my husband's sake.

 

Hope you all have the best day you can.

[[Fi...]]

Marj--you did the right thing!  But I relate to your wondering if you should have written it out.  Often while recalling and essentially reliving stressful scenes to write in my memoir, I'd notice my blood pressure would spike.

 

But yes, that was the right thing.  He shouldn't think he can get away with that stuff.  They have problems, obviously.  You don't need to be drawn into being an unwilling observer to his little pranks. 

 

And by the way, this would upset  somebody NOT in benzo withdrawal!

[[...]]

Marj--you did the right thing!  But I relate to your wondering if you should have written it out.  Often while recalling and essentially reliving stressful scenes to write in my memoir, I'd notice my blood pressure would spike.

 

But yes, that was the right thing.  He shouldn't think he can get away with that stuff.  They have problems, obviously.  You don't need to be drawn into being an unwilling observer to his little pranks. 

 

And by the way, this would upset  somebody NOT in benzo withdrawal!

 

FJ - Thank you so much for replying, it means a lot  I know this is quite personal but I want to process it and not bury it. Sometimes when I am in a wave, like now, it bothers me so much I think I will never get over it. The wife said some pretty nasty things to me in relation to my losses. I really don't like having such feelings about someone and then at other times I can hold my head high. 

[[Co...]]

Hi Marj.  You will get through this wave.  Try to stay in the moment as much as possible ( so not easy) and distract with anything that holds your thought for even 30 seconds...This is not forever. Galea wrote a truly inspiring encouraging success story...it has been holding me together the entire weekend.  Come onto the thread as much as you need to for support. .Don't waste time feeling guilty...what you are doing...getting off benzos is the most difficult thing most of us will ever have to do. Our families have no way of understanding this....no one can understand this unless they have gone through it. ..

We are here for you..  no need to feel guilty at all about the difficulty and pain of this. 

.  THE NEIGHBORS....oh myyyy....so sorry that happened to you...Of course you did the right thing.  You have little children ...protecting your children from incidents such as this is always the right thing to do...not to mention how disturbing it is for yourself to have perverted neighbors. 

  ...marj you have my huge respect for going through this while raising little children.  When you get to the end of this you will be so glad that you got off of these drugs.  your children will have thier whole mom back forever

.....Wishing you sunbreaks....coop

[[Co...]]

Beulah.  I totally get where you are at.  ..planning something social for people who you really love and have had many happy events together.....and dreading it.  and worrying about it and hoping they will go home early. Things like this just make me so mad ..  benzo has taken so much from us and it's such a fierce battle to get pieces and scraps of our lives back....Faking it until you make it is exhausting mentally and physically....Isolating is depressing and socializing is anxiety .. I truly believe that it won't always be this way.  Until then we can only do what we can do.  ...I hope it is a short visit.. and glad your husband is there with you to hold up the conversation. I have a really tough time keeping up a conversation.  for some odd reason it makes me feel claustrphobic.  If visits get too long my anxiety and d/r set in and I just want to get back on the couch ....alone and get my anxiety under control.  I used to love seeing friends. It has been 2 years since I have seen my bookclub...

.....Glad to hear that otherwise you are feeling on the up side.

...it's going to be good Beulah.  Come back on tonight and let us know how it went..  at least enjoy the sandwhiches...sounds so good.  sending big support.  coop

[[dr...]]

Morning all,

 

It seems everyone is feeling a bit better this Monday morning...including myself.

I have some company coming over later this afternoon...so I've been doing some last minute cleaning and worrying. I'm so not looking forward to this visit..it's some of my husband's family..I love them very much..but they have no idea of what I'm going through and I need to do a lot of faking.

We have run out of excuses as to why no visiting with them for two yrs.

 

I put a beef chuck roast in the crock pot for some beef barbecue sandwiches..my husband picked up some premade cole slaw and a strawberry shortcake....I hope they eat fast.

 

Use to love visits like these...not so much now. I'm hoping this goes well..for my husband's sake.

 

Hope you all have the best day you can.

 

  Beulah-thank you for the morning laugh. I'm picturing you running about and clearing their dishes as soon as they put the fork down   

 

Marj-we are here to reassure you and remind you as much as you need it.  Lord knows I was there up until two days ago.

Nova-you sound much better...as a matter of fact we all seem to except for Marj today. 

 

I am not back to baseline but so far everything seems SNAFU for me.  When I talk to someone or have to have a conversation my brain gets all weird and buzzy.  I remember when I first jumped and many times after whenever I even answered the phone I could hardly breathe and my adrenaline would flood through me.  So while this is really bad it is different and I am healing.  I had a very minor surge andno ear hissing which tells me this wave is dissipating.  I am trying to go with the flow and be one with the symptoms.  In my canoe trying not to fight the physical and mental stuff as it will be there regardless.  Really working on accepting the symptoms instead of fighting....hard to do and I found myself doing it again.  it is just human nature...I feel bad how can I fix it?  The answer is to just continue what I am doing and wait it out and being kind to myself until then. 

 

Carry on....

[[Gr...]]

Green, yes we both have that crazed obssessive thought loop.. different lyric. ...same music. I think this might be our last major sx....a doozy for sure.  but I feel a lot of improvement underneath the crushing endless health anxiety. It feels like a lot of what I had going on through year one is dropping off..  the problem for me is the health obssessions have expanded to fill every minute space vacated by the sx that are dropping off....The social anxiety sounds awful.  It is all w/d Sue....none of that is you.  Where can we sign up to have our brains rebooted.  I want this file deleted.

    Wishing you sleep.  coop

Coop, obsessive crazed thought loop, that's it.  Analyzing, over analyzing every person and every interaction I have with them throughout the day.  I'm sure hoping it's the last. 

 

The DR, cog fog, and whatever else this mental symptom is.  I woke up not feeling physically terrible, just not so good, mainly because I'm not myself, very detached -- weird, I do have physical sx, sweats, some body pain, but it's like it's happening to someone else. -- ok, this is DP, that's why I'm so whacked in the head

Glad I came here, for a nice reality check. 

 

Coop, how is the cough?  Are  you getting any relief from that?  The people on the other side say these symptoms just quietly disappear, one at a time.

 

[[Gr...]]

Glad you're back Coop, I missed you. I can't believe you do all your posting with a smart phone. I use an I-Pad and still have problems with the spelling thing.

 

I had a tough night, akathesia, stinging legs, & no sleep. Consequently, I slept all day. I think I got close to eight hrs sleeping from 8 to 5, waking occasionally to go the bathroom.  I think sleep really helps.  I know I feel so much better tonight.  Probably won't sleep, but that's ok as along as Im not suffering.

 

Finally Joining wrote her success story and I think she said she is  22 months off.  That gives me hope since I'm at 19 off.  I keep hoping I'll wake up be completely healed.  I'm sleeping more now, so I take that as a positive sign.

 

Tomorrow I weigh to see if my new eating plan as had an effect.

 

Windows for all!

 

Korbe, I'm waiting, too, lol.  Besides the weight loss aspect, it's got to be empowering to focus on something besides withdrawal, to focus on a body that behaves normally, loses weight when it's given less calories.  I'm waiting, too!

[[dr...]]

green-the dp and dr stuff send me into high alert and all mental symptoms ramp up.  I wonder which is the result of which.  Doesn't matter I suppose.

[[No...]]

Drew ... yep ... how can I fix this? ... I can't ... so I just wait it out ... wish I hard "learned" that and had it down pat before I even started my taper ... oh well ... water under the bridge ...

 

Back in this benzo flu stuff ... not miserable, just lousy ... had a long meandering walk this morning, about 3 hours or so ...

 

Going on one tomorrow, the longest one I have been on in over two years ... not all that far, maybe 8 or 9 km, but there is a beginning point and an end point and no way off in between ... should be fun ... won't be able to call a cab ... and I am taking a lunch ...

 

Another day in paradise ... 

[[Gr...]]

Morning all,

 

It seems everyone is feeling a bit better this Monday morning...including myself.

I have some company coming over later this afternoon...so I've been doing some last minute cleaning and worrying. I'm so not looking forward to this visit..it's some of my husband's family..I love them very much..but they have no idea of what I'm going through and I need to do a lot of faking.

We have run out of excuses as to why no visiting with them for two yrs.

 

I put a beef chuck roast in the crock pot for some beef barbecue sandwiches..my husband picked up some premade cole slaw and a strawberry shortcake....I hope they eat fast.

 

Use to love visits like these...not so much now. I'm hoping this goes well..for my husband's sake.

 

Hope you all have the best day you can.

 

We always worry about how our being sick has affected someone else!  You've been through hell.  You're entitled to take good care of yourself when you're traveling through hell, walking on the red burning coals.  No explanations necessary.  Enjoy your day.  pulled beef and strawberry shortcake, sounds good.

[[No...]]

Green ... talk about d/r ... saw a couple of deer this morning ... we just stood there and stared at one another ... maybe for 5 minutes or so ... was kind of weird and actually quite engaging ... a lot of energy going back and forth ... and no sound so no stress ... then I turned away and left them to whatever deer do this time of day ...

 

[[Gr...]]

Coop, you get the health fear, I get social anxiety, I get the mental obsessions about people, awkward social interactions -- I think that might be the DR -- I get paranoid, think most people are bad, malevolent, and just feel downright exhausted from a day of trying to relate -- just normal human interaction, talking to people, any people, order a cup of joe at Dunkin Donuts, torment.  Going over the conversations of the day in my mind, replaying them endlessly, what did I say that was a faux pas, what did someone else say that insulted me, that was insincere, endless. it's pure torment.  I know it's a symptom.  I should just not leave the house on days like this. :'(  hopefully it passes soon.  it's not as bad as acute, the mental sx, but they still pack quite a punch, make the day a challenge.  Actually, it's definitely much better, but it's really best when it's gone!!  Mental symptoms begone!

 

Drew, congrats on getting through that wedding in one piece.  That's quite an accomplishment.

 

FJ, congrats on your success story.  and your success.

 

Sky, hope you're doing better.

 

Green, you describe this one symptom so well. It's this shadow of malevolence in every thing under the sun, a disgusting cloud over facts and people. ANd I spend my time after, wondering over and over how it went, and analzying every detail.

 

Exhausting, really and it leaves me feeling a little sullied.

 

Sky, we've shared this particular symptom before.  It's hell, isn't it?  It's a time when a lot of the physical symptoms fall off, it's so disappointing, because instead of being able to enjoy a little window break from the intense physical stuff, we're dealing with mental torment.  No, friend, we truly don't get many windows. 

 

And you've commented before about feeling "sullied," from it, I think you used that exact same word.  I know that's an accurate statement, but I'm afraid to explore it further in my present mental state!!

[[Gr...]]

green-the dp and dr stuff send me into high alert and all mental symptoms ramp up.  I wonder which is the result of which.  Doesn't matter I suppose.

 

Drew, as long as I've been dealing with this, for the life of me I can't figure out the real difference between DP and DR, I just know I get 'em both, and yes, you're right, it's high alert, pretty solid paranoia, and each mental symptom I have jumps in for a ride on the crazy train!

 

I will offer some hope, though, and say as bad as it is, this far out it's more manageable.  In other words, I used to get extremely crazy, now more moderately crazy.  So you have something to look forward to.

 

The other funny thing is I come here for relief, I don't get that disconnected feeling with the people here, I connect here, with all you people, my peeps, even when the symptoms are intense.

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning ... got some sleep ... no flu this this morning ... feeling kind of mellow at the moment ...

 

And yes, for me this flu stuff or whatever has nothing to do with "pushing the boundaries" ... this stuff just is right now ... so I will keep pushing ... seems to be the task for me at this point ...

 

It is feeling like I am going around a house that has not had its windows opened for a very long time ... and getting one window open at a time ... and even though I am still having sick days, the windows are staying open ...

 

Enduring sick days is still enduring sick days ... and ... day by day, it feels like things are getting lighter ...

 

May we all be well ... 

 

Nova, after reading your post, I'm thinking wobbly, brave, hopeful, the beginning of the end.  Sick days are still sick days, but this is going to end, for you, for all of us.  Yes, things are getting lighter.  The windows are staying open, there is light.  To me, most of the waves in this journey have felt like being in darkness, alone, and now, yes, there is light.

[[dr...]]

I don't know the difference either...I mean I read the descriptions but all I know is I feel like I am on another planet metally and my brain feels extra weird.  Also, my health fears, looping what if thoughts, etc...skyrocket.  I am NOT following in your footsteps on this    It is already much better for me.  even on my bad days which are waaaay less now it seems to lift for a few hours.  I now have many days at a time without this crap. 

 

I really need to use spellcheck all the time.

[[Gr...]]

Hi everyone, pleased everyone seems to be doing better. Drew, what you said about a wave is totally spot on, and that is where I am now ie. This will never get better, this has to be something else and I’ll have to live with this pain forever yada yada. Can you further alongers relate to this a 14 months? I think this could be also compounded by the lack of understanding from my close family (mother) and then the guilt at withdrawing from them just to save yourself the stress and then them taking it personally. There is so much to battle in recovery from benzo’s.

 

Anyway the neigbours…….. An Husband and wife who I had always been on friendly terms. Always though he is a bit odd but if we were all the same…………… Oh and by the way, they hate each other. Anyway couple of summers ago I walked into my back garden and noticed he was in his, not totally out in the open but not tucked away. When I looked over to say good morning as I was walking to my back gate, to my horror he was completely naked with his back to me. From the movement of his arm it was very apparent what he was doing. I was shocked to say the least (this was in my tapering time). He looked over his shoulder to see me standing there although briefly, it felt like a long time. I had to get away, so I hurriedly continued to exit my back gate, hyperventilating.  When I came back he had gone inside. I didn’t know what to do and was scared as to why someone would do this. I had also quite recently lost my Sister and Dad 3 months apart very suddenly so I was a mess and didn’t want confrontation; if I spoke to the wife he would just deny it. I left it a week, waiting for an explanation or apology. Nothing, so I reported him to the police who were very supportive and said I had done the correct thing. Needless to say we don’t communicate anymore after she verbally attacked me, as of course he had denied it both to her and the police. I just wanted him to know this was not acceptable especially as I am a single Mum of 2. They are vile and I detest them. When I am through withdrawal I hope to be able to laugh at them. For now it is still difficult at times.

 

Did I do the right thing? 

 

Marj, a man who stands naked in the garden where neighbors can see him doing what he was doing is either a low level sex offender or has other mental problems.  If I had children and lived next door, I would have done the same, if not more.  Warn your children.  I think you handled it very well.

[[dr...]]

Drew ... yep ... how can I fix this? ... I can't ... so I just wait it out ... wish I hard "learned" that and had it down pat before I even started my taper ... oh well ... water under the bridge ...

 

Back in this benzo flu stuff ... not miserable, just lousy ... had a long meandering walk this morning, about 3 hours or so ...

 

Going on one tomorrow, the longest one I have been on in over two years ... not all that far, maybe 8 or 9 km, but there is a beginning point and an end point and no way off in between ... should be fun ... won't be able to call a cab ... and I am taking a lunch ...

 

Another day in paradise ... 

 

That's an incredible walk!  especailly with no out.  I am not nearly up to that.  My max is 5-6km.  Proud of you.