12-18 month support

[[Sk...]]

Superb news FJ!  I read it last night while trying to recover my brain from all the stimulation of the wedding. So happy another one gets out of this.

 

It was hard this weekend but I did it and I had some real good periods of feeling ok mixed in. I haven't seen a lot of these people for a few years and I have to say I had mixed emotions. I have changed and I can never go back so it can be awkward. They stay up drinking or doing some drugs(never big for me) and I just value the good health I don't have yet to do any of that. The thing is I find myself getting angry? or something towards them that they are wasting their lives or medicating through them.  It's not their fault and I don't like feeling this way.  They are all not like this all the time but cutting loose at a big wedding party.  Maybe it's jealousy that I can't live like that anymore. That part of my life is gone and maybe being around all of them has shown me what I lost and how unhappy I was from being so sick for so many years.    Trying to process this all but it's not their fault as they probably never had anything like this and none of them get it.  Didn't really try and explain.

 

Off to a great breakfast soon in wine country and then home. Be well all.

 

Drew, I had not understood that the wedding thing had already taken place.

 

I know what you mean, about that anger, I have felt it too. Maybe it's wd, at least the anger part, the indignation part. But we have changed, that is out of the question.

[[dr...]]

It was a whole weekend wedding thing   I am home now. I did it!  Brain fried a couple of times but that's to be expected.  Still stinks.  Have nothing ahead of me the rest of the day except a walk, bath, and a nice dinner.  I paid my dues to the beast during this wave so be gone!

[[Sk...]]

Coop hase been missing for a few days now, hope nothing is wrong. Anybody checked in on her ?

 

It's not like her to just disappear, or maybe she announced she wanted to keep off the boards awhile and I missed it ?

[[dr...]]

I was just catching up and wondering the same thing.  Coop???

[[pe...]]

Even when Coop goes off, she usually responds to a pm. I'll try that now.

[[be...]]

Coop hase been missing for a few days now, hope nothing is wrong. Anybody checked in on her ?

 

It's not like her to just disappear, or maybe she announced she wanted to keep off the boards awhile and I missed it ?

 

I checked on her yesterday..her daughter is with her and they are doing the wedding plans.

[[Co...]]

Are you guys the most caring peeps a person could have for friends?  Yes....thank you so much for caring. I am ok...things are beginning to level out.  .I think . I had a couple arguments with the ARNP a out antibiotics for a uti.. I declined the ' Ebola' strength antibiotics..  pissed off the ARNP ..she agreed to bactrim...threw that up all over the place.  That frustrated her. The pharmacist suggested macrobid...no problems with that except some nausea..  hoping the culture comes back minimal or nothing and I can stop it. Still obsessing over air hunger, coughing and chest/back tightness....working very hard on breaking up the obssessive intrusive health fear tboughts....please please please make them go away. ...I am isolating somewhat because I have depleted the few drops of encouragement I had left after this stinkin 8 week wave...I am not good company....especially for others who are suffering...Having said all of that, if ( a very big if) it wasn't for the health fear dragon I would be at a pretty good 80% baseline. ..I finally got to that point of, .  fine if I die I die...obsessing over one catastrophic intrusive scenario won't change anything. I got up determined to do all the things I would do in a normal day.  ...My ex and I took our youngest grandson out for 'nonni ' date. I was only partly clear and present for most of it... almost panicked on my way out the door, but things improved from there.  So glad I went...cog fog d/r and all....I still connected to those little 6 year old freckles and excitement about ' going out'.  Nothing like Drew's adventures out in the real world, but it was what I wanted to do, it was what I would have done in my pre-benzo days ....so I will take it. ...It is so wierd, part of me feels so much better and this other huge corner of myself feels so much worse.  I am afraid that I now have permanent hypochondria and looming health fear....6 more months.....hopefully

  ...I haven't sifted through all of the posts yet, but I hope everyone is having better days and feeling the healing. 

.....FJ....congratulations on your success story...very happy for you.

......will read back through posts and be back on a little later. . So much love to all if you.....coop

[[Co...]]

Nova, sorry you had a sick day yesterday.  Was today better.  ? .  I envy you the cooler weather...we are all of a sudden in the 90s .  overnight. It was hot out this morning at 730 am.  Thank goodness for air conditioners. 

  ....carry on Nova....it seems like in spite of some every day sx , you are also having more 'better' days ....see you later on the thread....coop

[[Co...]]

Marj.  Yes.  Please.  .dish on the neighbors.  It is so much fun to read about the other parts of our lives from time to time. It reminds me that our entire lives are not really all about sx, waves, windows, progress, backsteps.. etc etc.  Normal lice does March on ...with or without us.  coop

[[Co...]]

Drew,....wow...hurculean effort on your part. Could you be my clone at my daughter's wedding?.  I am really trying to not start getting panicky about it yet.  It's still 7 weeks away. ..

..month oh man, you have more than earned a massage, kick back couch time and a really yummy dinner.  I couldn't do an entire weekend of wedding ...even when I was 30....and it was my wedding.  Well done buddy..  coop

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... just checking in before I shut down ... spent the day in benzo flu land ... sick again today ...

 

Good to hear things are leveling out for you ...

 

Hope you get some cooler weather ... 

[[Co...]]

Green.  How was Dr. Faustus?....very glad to hear that you got to see it.  How are you doing today after making a push yesterday....I hope you are getting some peace from the lingering sx.  Most of us are doing more than we did last summer.. that's progress.  Progress sprinkled with crappy sx, but still.  Moving forward.  . coop

[[Co...]]

So sorry Nova..  rest easy friend.  I hope it's a very short bout.  I will probably be on the thread later tonight if you are up after some sleep... feel better....coop

[[dr...]]

Coop -you'll do fine.  The anticiportoty anxiety was way worse than the actual anxiety.  Got close to and had a panic or two but they were brief. You'll be fine. You're getting this monster wave out of the way.

 

  I read an interesting description of the wave.  Anything we think we learned such as we can handle it, I'm not stuck like this, I'm healing, etc...get completely wiped from our brain during a wave and no matter how hard we try to access those reassuring thoughts we can't.  They are gone. Even if someone reassures us and we feel better, twenty minutes later we may need to be reassured again.  So spot on.

 

My wave hopefully is starting to retreat.  I will know for sure when I return to work tomorrow.  I ended up running errands, shopping, and doing a 3.5 mile hike.  If I can get rid of this weird brain stuff and anxiety I'd be in good shape as almost all my other physical stuff is gone.  It's interesting our comments all seem to say "if I just got rid of X I'd be so much better".  That shows me how far we've all come. Holy cow-just realized two days with no major surges!

 

Sleep well nova!

[[Co...]]

Hi Drew,.  You are just doing so great. Yes, I have noticed the same thing..." if only I could get over sx x,y, or z...I would be so much more healed".  ..nerve pain, vibrations, fatigue, health anxiety, brain wierdness, etc etc.  we each seem to have one or two persistent difficult sx standing in our way of healing. 

....I think we are all getting very close to moving a big leap forward. ....hope your day tomorrow is without any residual sx.  You are such a great mentor to us for living our lives with and in spite of sx.  Have to say though, glad the wedding weekend is over for you....coop

[[dr...]]

I have so much anxiety I invented a new one....anticiportoty 

[[Fi...]]

Yeah, I wondered about that!

[[Gr...]]

Yes, Sky, quiet day on the thread.  I guess that's a good sign.  I'm off to see Dr. Faustus with Chris Noth.  I'm tired, don't want to go into the city, but I'm going to drag myself and go.  Trying to live as best I can until the next wave.  Have the best day possible, everyone.

 

Wow, that sounds nice.

 

How is Chris Noth looking these days ? Is he still handsome ?

 

He's getting older, as are we all, but, yes, still very, very handsome.

[[Gr...]]

Green.  How was Dr. Faustus?....very glad to hear that you got to see it.  How are you doing today after making a push yesterday....I hope you are getting some peace from the lingering sx.  Most of us are doing more than we did last summer.. that's progress.  Progress sprinkled with crappy sx, but still.  Moving forward.  . coop

 

Hi, Coop,

 

Dr. Faustus was amazing!  And Chris Noth is still very handsome, and a good actor.  He graduated from the Yale School of Drama, even though he's done T.V. most of his career.  Also, the guy that played David Lee on The Good Wife had a part, he was excellent.

But tired the next day, very tired, with tons of DR.

 

But, as you say, we're doing more than we did last year (even if I feel more tired this year)  We're doing more, we're more hopeful, and we try, I try.  Since that really bad fatigue let up, and the last bad wave passed (18.5) I push as much as I can tolerate.  I'd love to think we're finished with the mega waves, and we're just going to limp into the healed zone 

[[Gr...]]

Marj.  Yes.  Please.  .dish on the neighbors.  It is so much fun to read about the other parts of our lives from time to time. It reminds me that our entire lives are not really all about sx, waves, windows, progress, backsteps.. etc etc.  Normal lice does March on ...with or without us.  coop

 

Coop, you are a Mrs. Malaprop of the modern spellcheck day.  Anyone remember her? Normal lice. 

[[Gr...]]

Hi Coop ... just checking in before I shut down ... spent the day in benzo flu land ... sick again today ...

 

Good to hear things are leveling out for you ...

 

Hope you get some cooler weather ... 

 

Nova, I'm so sorry, benzo flu.  I hope not the whole day.  I've been getting it in the evening, only, not every day.  It can be mild, or quite nasty.  Hope yours gets better soon.

 

I don't think it's from walking.  I don't think you overdid it.  Because I get it either way, if I walk a little, or do nothing, I still get it. 

 

Feel better.

[[Gr...]]

Coop, you get the health fear, I get social anxiety, I get the mental obsessions about people, awkward social interactions -- I think that might be the DR -- I get paranoid, think most people are bad, malevolent, and just feel downright exhausted from a day of trying to relate -- just normal human interaction, talking to people, any people, order a cup of joe at Dunkin Donuts, torment.  Going over the conversations of the day in my mind, replaying them endlessly, what did I say that was a faux pas, what did someone else say that insulted me, that was insincere, endless. it's pure torment.  I know it's a symptom.  I should just not leave the house on days like this. :'(  hopefully it passes soon.  it's not as bad as acute, the mental sx, but they still pack quite a punch, make the day a challenge.  Actually, it's definitely much better, but it's really best when it's gone!!  Mental symptoms begone!

 

Drew, congrats on getting through that wedding in one piece.  That's quite an accomplishment.

 

FJ, congrats on your success story.  and your success.

 

Sky, hope you're doing better.

 

[[Co...]]

Green.  lol.  I am terrible about proofing my posts.  I do all my posting off of my smart phone and the touch pad is tiny even on my note 4 which is a little bigger than my last phone.  Yes.  normal lice as opposed to benzo lice....lol...so sorry.

...I have to agree with you.  I think this endless wave is beginning to loosen it's death grip. It's so difficult to articulate that in some ways I feel worse than I did last summer, but in terms of overall healing I feel better.  I think you are saying the same thing. I just read a post from Peace on another thread and she is at 16/17 months and just getting hit hard with that same kind of fatigue that you had. She can't get off the bed and is afraid too. .  I am really excited to see the next 6 months unfold for all of us.  I think we are going to see a lot of healing going on.  ...My cog fog and d/r cleared up almost as soon as I got in my door today so I know it's all about anxiety.  Goid things on the thread tonight.  Except Nova is having a go around with benzo flu.  Big collective chicken soup to you Nova.    coop

[[Co...]]

Green, yes we both have that crazed obssessive thought loop.. different lyric. ...same music. I think this might be our last major sx....a doozy for sure.  but I feel a lot of improvement underneath the crushing endless health anxiety. It feels like a lot of what I had going on through year one is dropping off..  the problem for me is the health obssessions have expanded to fill every minute space vacated by the sx that are dropping off....The social anxiety sounds awful.  It is all w/d Sue....none of that is you.  Where can we sign up to have our brains rebooted.  I want this file deleted.

    Wishing you sleep.  coop

[[Ko...]]

Glad you're back Coop, I missed you. I can't believe you do all your posting with a smart phone. I use an I-Pad and still have problems with the spelling thing.

 

I had a tough night, akathesia, stinging legs, & no sleep. Consequently, I slept all day. I think I got close to eight hrs sleeping from 8 to 5, waking occasionally to go the bathroom.  I think sleep really helps.  I know I feel so much better tonight.  Probably won't sleep, but that's ok as along as Im not suffering.

 

Finally Joining wrote her success story and I think she said she is  22 months off.  That gives me hope since I'm at 19 off.  I keep hoping I'll wake up be completely healed.  I'm sleeping more now, so I take that as a positive sign.

 

Tomorrow I weigh to see if my new eating plan as had an effect.

 

Windows for all!