12-18 month support

[[...]]

[/img]it is Incapacitated!  That is the word.... :crazy:I can't talk very well, avoid all conversation if I can, and other weird brain stuff.  Apologies to anyone offended

 

drew, when this happens..and it does quite often..I call it my dummy down day...because my brain is to frozen to think of words past a fourth grade level.

This stuff happens..no apologies needed.....I'm in the same boat today.

 

Me too apparently, as I called you Belula instead of Beulah. Never mind cant speak, I can't read either 

 

I was calm at work this afternoon and then on the drive home I could feel anxiety trying to spoil things. I popped into supermarket and my vision was blurry. Luckily I had a list. Cooked Sea Bass and roast veg and baked the sponge for coffee cake. Completely wiped out ready for bed and then Groundhog Day.

 

Well done on reaching 19 months coop.... it won't be long for you until you are through this 

 

[[je...]]

Coop-- great job on month 19! I hope your okay, you haven't posted on here today. I hope your in a glorious window

Drew-- sounds like the dentist appt was a breeze for you, that so great! My last dentist appt sent me into an anxious tailspin.

That coffee cake sounds so good! I haven't had that in years, and I have the worst sweet tooth too, but no can do.. Here's to dreaming of sweets.....

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning ... had another night of poor sleep and the vibrations thingie ... tried to get more sleep a while ago ... turned toxic ... got up and made cookies ...

 

What the hell ... if I can't get good sleep I can get good cookies ... 

 

Poor sleep, vibrations.  My constant companions.  Are they going to be with us all the way through until the end?

 

Unfortunately, none of this has affected my appetite.  Gimme a cookie.

 

Sue, mr Sky is making ice cream, with almost no sugar and quite healthy, care for some ? We will be trying it later, it's the first time we try.

 

Benzo ice cream..  can you believe it ? 

 

He's making ice cream?  And he stayed with you throughout withdrawal?  OMG, Sky, that's a keeper.  I remember being similarly impressed when you posted he made his own pasta.  I was like man, oh, man, how great is that!

 

Sue, it seems to me, that wd is a school for cooks ! And many other things but that stands out.

 

School for cooks, school of hard knocks.  and many other things!

 

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning ... had another lousy night of sleep ... off and on ...

 

The rain stopped so I went out for a good long walk ... about 2 1/2 hours ... even did some fast walking off and on ... felt pretty good to do that ... could feel the endorphins bringing on a big smile ...

 

The healing stuff is going on and I can't seem to pinpoint anything ... so that is good for me ... I would appreciate a "not too loud" day ...

 

Yep ... another day in paradise ... 

 

Nova, this sounds very good.  I relate, awful sleep, vibrations, the whole band.  But not in half bad shape the next day.

 

Yay, you found your endorphins?  Or they found you?  Endorphins, big deal.  That's healing.

[[Gr...]]

[move]HAPPY MONTH 19!!!  YAY FOR COOP FOR MAKING IT TO MONTH 19! [/move]

 

I've been trying since 3 a.m. last night to paste you some flowers, wine, and chocolate.  I don't know why I can't get a jpg.  did something change?

 

doesn't matter.  Yay for Coop!

[[Si...]]

Hi everybody!

 

I slept maybe 45 minutes this morning. I had a dentist appt for tomorrow, but my tooth was hurting so bad last night I went in is morning as a walk in. Had to get a root canal / crown. That's my first one. Lesson in going to the dentist every year. It would have been a relatively minor cavity fill if I'd gone earlier. Oh well live and learn. Was prescribed Amoxycillin and RX Motrin.

[[Mi...]]

Thx all.  I'm overly emotional after the last few days and now have tears in my eyes from all the loving support here.

 

I was jumping out of my skin and was getting so much anxiety about an upcoming appointment that I just had it.  I went to the gym at lunch and said f&$k it...I'm exercising hard to work this out like taking a dog to the park.  I felt like I could die but I didn't care.  It worked for the most part.  I then went to my meeting and my anxiety spiked up but I wasn't going anywhere.  After thirty minutes it settled down. I got called on to go over a proprosal and I had trouble breathing but I pushed through and after a minute of shakiness I did great.  All my anxiety receded. This is my exposure therapy and it was a big boost to my confidence.  I faced my biggest current fear after my last meeting put me in the ER.  Thank you all again and I'm going to say to my self"I'm proud of me right now and everyone on this thread".  :smitten:

 

Welcome to the go hard or go home club!  Wicked proud of you!!  We need more tales of showing big balls on here.  Sometimes we have to expose ourselves to really rough shit so we don't develop anxiety or depression after choosing not to do something.  I love that you chose a "f**k it" attitude and pushed yourself so hard.  Say YES to everything pays dividends!  Sooo sooo awesome drew!  You duh man!  I feel like commending you over and over and over again but I don't want to sound like a freak.  JUST DO IT PEOPLE!

 

On a side note, my body and mind seriously felt like acute withdrawal for 8 hours today.  I was sorta scared and in so much f-in pain. I didn't want to say yes to anything.  I still took a 2 mile walk to prove to myself that I could fight back!  Take that benzo bitch!

 

Sorry for the language but SUPERSTAR DREW has me all worked up right now!!!  Yeah buddy!

[[Mi...]]

....and there's nothing wrong with saying you feel retarded.  You used a real dictionary word in an appropriate manner.  All of us here have felt less advanced mentally at many points of our journey. 

[[dr...]]

Thx mike!  Sometimes I just hit the limit and don't care what happens.  Other times I need to pull in my horns. That's today.  I was thinking of you today when we both had wonderful windows at the same time.  We both commented how fun it was food shopping and we both made easy conversation w people. That will be our normal.

 

Today I reverted back to a constant state of anxiety.  The only time it lessened was when I meditated.  Once I got up ten minutes later back in full force.  It also feels like someone has set five hardcover books on my head. Today is a day of acceptance and not beating myself up.  Today is a day of putting this in perspective. While this is so f'in miserable, it is temporary!  We are not dying.  This is a syndrome that everyone heals from.  This is our cross to bear and so many others in the world have problems or things they can never recover from. Don't forget this is temporary and we are healing. Keep our eye on the prize!

[[Co...]]

Dear 12-18 buddies.  You are all so dear. Thank you for the congratulations and tickers. ...If not for the friendship and support on this thread I wouldn't have made it after 6 months.  Seriously. ... What a wonderful gaggle of suffering and surviving peeps....

......I am loving all the banter and  humor going on here. Here we all are  suffering one thing or another ...or several ... eating ice cream and cookies .. .navigating international legal and justice systems.. .creating w/d friendly coffee cakes and supporting each other...I love every one on this thread. 

....I have been off the thread a little bit.. I have such mixed feelings about looking month 19 in the face. Yes, I am glad I have hung in there....and I could cry that I am not better than I am....so I took a day to cry and be sad and then gather up my sad sorry bundle of a self and dig in for the next 6 months...I know the healing is going on, but this breathing/coughing thing has become a huge boulder right in the middle of my w/d....If it would clear up I would have a decent baseline. I literally can not talk without coughing...however it's worse if I am thinking about it....and sometimes it disappears for 20-30 minutes. If I am silent it is much better. It completely dances a rumba with my health fears...takes all my mental energy to keep from being pulled into the undertow of panic. Totally taking things easy and quiet...don't hate me Mike...sometimes I can kick as like you....but many times not...please give me a pass for being old....

....DREW....I am exactly where you are...just trying to stay above the anxiety/fear....but mercy! man....a cleaning at the dentist!!....I am singing your praises along with Mike.. The day I go to the dentist is the day I know that I am healed.  You are going to get through this anxiety wave...we both are. I am learning to accept that for now, in my ' healing life' , in my ' normal for now"...some days I can function with and in spite of anxiety....and some days I can't ...and some days the best I can do is bolt myself to the bed to keep from going to er ..this will pass...this was not me before benzos...like a cast on a broken arm....it will fall away..

.....NOVA..  .what a great morning you had...sorry about the head pressure...that one drives me crazy ...I feel like I am trying to think through cement...even distraction is a chalkenge. I hope your evening is better....What are you hearing from the Houge...what kind of cookies did you make? You really are sounding good Nova...carry on...I am trying to follow the cookie crumbs....right behind you....I would appreciate a chocolate chip or two along the way. 

...BEULAH... I miss the happy mornings too...I used to fly out of bed so ready for the day...total morning person ( but completely not good for anything after 730p).  Morning is (was ) my favorite part of the day...I find the same pattern, if I have a full day one day...the next day has less wind in the sails and if I push it I pay for it....I hope the day opened up to some great sunbreaks for you. 

.MARJ..I could have written your post myself...you are right on track.. You are doing great...you have more grit than I do.  You have more good days coming...We are all supporting you all the way through.

....GREEN....I can be bought if the cookies and round trips are fancy enough. 

.....I know I missed some posts from yesterday...My mind won't work backwards that far.....I am thinking of everyone and wishing every single one of us relief, peace, clarity, big leaps forward and windows that never close ....coop

[[Fi...]]

Coop--so sorry you're having such a rough time.  Your very natural reaction--dismay--to hitting the 19th month mark is exactly why I've never been able to get on the birthday party bandwagon.  Who among us really feels celebratory at any given point when we aren't nearly as well as we hoped we'd be by then?

 

I saw an article in MORE Magazine today that made me think of you--"Decoding Baffling Medical Symptoms."  The very first one listed was "Nagging dry cough when you don't feel sick."  They called it a "recently identified condition called neurogenic cough."  Something in your system resets your cough reflex.  One doc said 8 out of 10 patients with this are women mostly peri-menopausal or post-menopausal.  This is probably stuff the docs were telling you when you went in, I expect.  The meds they mentioned are probably things you want to avoid, like neurotin.  I don't know, maybe the only comforting thing in this for you is that you are not the only person who has come up with this!  My guess is that it will resolve itself when you get through withdrawal.  Just a lousy bump in the road for you.

 

Mike--I like your spunky attitude.  I was telling somebody on the KK board about you and your approach to this.  She doesn't find the approach I've taken (signing off on life until well ) to be to her liking.  I told her about you and how some people do manage to play Russian Roulette with good days and bad days and plans they put on the calendar and have worked out fine as often as not.

 

Everybody's so different, though.  I suspect some symptoms are easier to power through than others.  I have found flat out benzo flu that keeps you on the couch is damned near impossible to ignore.  I never had a lot of the mental symptoms you all write about, so I don't know how hard those are to ignore and hide.

 

I'm recently feeling well enough to start doing things that I haven't done in a long time.  I can't take any "big balls" credit for it, though.  They're all things I always wanted to do but just couldn't because I was sick.  When I'm well, I can do them.  Not sure it would have done any good to push myself through them when I was  down.  As I get well and I can do in ten minutes what it would have taken me an hour to do sick, I really have to wonder about the wisdom of forcing yourself to get through odious chores.  I'm catching up fast as energy returns!

 

This doesn't count for precious family moments that you really hate to miss, of course.

 

Really hope to see everybody turning a big corner soon.  I'm at 21 months (not celebrating, just for comparison!) and I've felt I turned a big corner in the past month.  What's happened is, I've stopped having truly down days.  I'm now cycling between good days and middling.  I'll take it!!!    

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... another night of poor sleep ... and circling that rabbit hole of "is this me?" stuff ... fascinating and messy how my mind and the physical stuff I experience get tangled up ...

 

Maybe the Brits, who are good at "situational sitcoms" could do a series on a healing mind making attempts at discerning the "meaning" in all this this stuff ... 

 

Its Thursday ... another day in the books ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[Ko...]]

Congratulations Coop on month 19. I'm one day behind you. We're getting closer and closer to the end of this living hell. I'll hang in there if you will.

 

Korbe

[[Co...]]

Good morning Nova, .....let's pour a bunch of cement into that rabbit hole...or put a man hole cover on it. ...This is not you Nova...it's all w/d....just step awat from the rabbit hole...you are not a rabbit....I hope you can get some sleep this morning....remember Nova, ....nobody gets left behind....except Benzo.....this is not you....Wishing you a nice long walk this morning....coop

[[Co...]]

Thanks Korbe....we are getting there and I do celebrate each passing month. I celebrate that I am no longer dependent on a drug...that I have wonderful friends to make this travel with me....I celebrate that I am not alone in this. I celebrate that I am returning to my life....that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.....Yes, it's hard and I cry on some days, but to me there is much to celebrate and it means a great deal to me that I have friends who are themselves suffering yet take the time to be aware that another month of healing has passed for me and send me notes of congratulations and support...and I say congratulations to you Korbe, for having the strength and courage to keep walking this rocky winding road....It takes all the fortitude and focus we have. You are doing a great job with this.  A trip to see family , in my opinion, is a very big deal in the midst of healing.

....How are you doing ? .... I believe that we have come the furthest distance of this trek.  Wishing you big sunbreaks today.  coop

[[No...]]

[move]Korbe is 19 Today ... Marvelous[/move]

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... had a two hour walk ... not bad for an old fart ... gonna work on the rug pattern some more and maybe do some hooking ... it has been some time since I have done any ... maybe three years or so ... we'll se how it goes ...

 

I just ate the last cookie ... sorry ...

 

Hoping we all have a quiet day ... 

[[Co...]]

Nova..  you certainly stepped over the rabbit hole...2 hour walk.. and hooking..  carry on friend.. and please make some more cookies.  coop

[[No...]]

Green ... just for you ...

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KPplYp7K7M

 

A "doogies" are cattle ...

 

 

[[No...]]

Nova's Revenge ...

 

 

[[Mi...]]

Happy 19th COOP and Korbe!  An amazingly long time to hang in there, you should feel pride and strength from this.  We are all in the 99th percentile when it comes to toughness, nothing can stop us, we are officially unbreakable.

 

DREW, that's cool that you remember when we both had similar easy going days when everything was so easy and so enjoyable.  We hungered for as much life as we could spoon feed ourselves that day.  To many more like that!  Cheers.

 

FJ:  Nobody is asking you to do crazy off the wall intense tasks.  Don't put that pressure on yourself.  Hearing that you are starting to do things that you couldn't do before is awesome enough.  Congrats on that! 

 

We all know we want to do more.  For some, it's just not that feasible for whatever reason.  And that's ok!  In the meantime it doesn't hurt to read about folks who may play russian roulette with their days.  The message is certainly not a boastful one, the message tries to show others that strength in tough times is possible.  The most useful tool I've found is to turn my sorrow, sadness, and regret, into anger, and my anger into motivational energy.  I am so sad and pissed off I ended up in this position, that anger drives not to end up on the couch all day long.  (which is what my brain and body is telling me it wants to do)  Sorry benzo beast, it's not happening, I'm a fellow 99%'er!

[[Sk...]]

Green ... just for you ...

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KPplYp7K7M

 

A "doogies" are cattle ...

 

Nova, what  a pleasure to hear this great song ! Thanks for sharing.

[[Sk...]]

[move]Korbe is 19 Today ... Marvelous[/move]

 

Korbe, congratulations, you have been so brave and good things are coming.

 

Birthdays are important. Yes, we have not healed yet, but we have been off the drug for all this time despite horrifying symptoms and that has to be celebrated, it is truly worth it, nothing easy in that.

 

Expectations are like that, they can harm us, but what helps me on these occasions, is to go to my journals or speak to a loved one, they both are strongly away of how far we have come and can let us know that they don't give any of this for granted.

 

Come on guys, we are one month  closer to healing, what' s not to be happy about ?

[[Fi...]]

Mike--don't worry, I've got no problem with what I'm doing and how I'm managing my healing.  I was actually trying to write perhaps in defense of others on this thread who just CAN'T get out there quite yet.  But seriously, I've got to stop bothering.  The boss of me (me) says to give it up!!!

 

 

[[dr...]]

Good morning all...I say that as I woke up seven hours ago having a cortisol rush.  I decided today I needed a day of nothingness.  I stayed home from work and fell asleep on and off until 1pm!  For me that is unheard of.  I didn't have nightmares but many dreams.  I was just sooo tired of this wave I needed it.  I just didn't have the energy to get up. 

I have a performance tonight and then I'm away all weekend in a wedding. Being away all weekend and being IN the wedding has been stressing me out more while in this wave.  On the plus side, since I'm in a pretty bad wave once I do this weekend it should stop me worrying about my own wedding six months from now. 

 

Korbe-happy 19th

 

Mike/fm-I don't think anyone on this board takes how we say to go do things in an offensive manner.  We all know we are ALL doing the most we can do at any given time. This is hell.  If anyone does though they shouldn't.