12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Drew ... crazy stuff, eh? ... you seem to do a lot of what I do ... when it gets too loud you shut down for a while until it passes ... it always does ...

[[No...]]

Sky ... the hamster in the wheel ... I know where you are ...

 

And ... you are sounding and writing well ... even though I know you are feeling lousy ... we are getting there ...

[[No...]]

Coop ... I enjoy soup when it is in me ... not so much when I am in it ... 

 

Salad days are here again ... this year's greens and stuff have arrived at the market ... gonna switch to rabbit mode ... 

[[Co...]]

Oh Drew....damn this stuff...I hate to see friends suffering.  Going low and slow sounds like a good path to take. You have the brain sx, I continue with the breathing/ cough sx.  I too am trying to rein in health fear with corrective statements...takes all my concentration.  Some corrective imaging.  Some walks outside with the dog....a sweet morning with my daughter.. Benzo wants to intrude on all of it.  ...So low and slow here too...just holding on to the very edge of manageable and in control of my thoughts.. Closing in on month 19, but counting months has lost its motivational hopeful spark...now it is just what it is on any given day

....Drew....hope things are leveling out for you... you are so faithful with good self care....it has to pay off in the long run as well as long term....it seems like this wave should be starting to roll out for you....onward.. . coop

[[Sk...]]

Oh Drew....damn this stuff...I hate to see friends suffering.  Going low and slow sounds like a good path to take. You have the brain sx, I continue with the breathing/ cough sx.  I too am trying to rein in health fear with corrective statements...takes all my concentration.  Some corrective imaging.  Some walks outside with the dog....a sweet morning with my daughter.. Benzo wants to intrude on all of it.  ...So low and slow here too...just holding on to the very edge of manageable and in control of my thoughts.. Closing in on month 19, but counting months has lost its motivational hopeful spark...now it is just what it is on any given day

....Drew....hope things are leveling out for you... you are so faithful with good self care....it has to pay off in the long run as well as long term....it seems like this wave should be starting to roll out for you....onward.. . coop

 

 

Coop, every time you mention your walks with your dog, I think of this  image I found on facebook ! Hope it will make you smile a little, you have little yogi living with you, see ? 

http://i60.tinypic.com/14mgbad.jpg

[[No...]]

Sky ... the image says it all ... thank you ... 

[[Co...]]

Sky.  It is really hard to do this without BB support....I would not be where I am in w/d without BBs...We are all here for you, but like you say, we are on the wrong side of the moon . You cam pm me any time....I am awake throughout the night.

. Really sorry to hear that fear and intrusive gloom was bobbing around above your head..  It's so suffocating ...fear and gloom...Yes, I get on here and cry and rant and worry and wail.  My daughter is only 22 and I don't want her to remember her wedding planning as difficult and sad because her mother was flat out crazed. I figure there are tons of people on BBs ...enough to spread my misery over....rather than scare my girl...and burn her our with a bunch of w/d misery.

....you are so strong, you never seem to waiver even in long waves... even though you can't be on more during the week, we are supporting you every day..  ..love to you Sky..  coop

 

[[Ko...]]

Hi Benzo Buddies,

 

I've returned from my trip to SLC.  I had a nice time, but it was tough going everyday. My sx got a little worse especially the insomnia. Perhaps it was the change in altitude. I always managed to pull myself together for a couple of hours each day to do something with a family member. Believe me it was a struggle most days, but I hadn't seen my family for over 3 years, so I was motivated to struggle through.  I had one day I couldn't get out of bed and had to cancel lunch with my father. It was the day before flying home and  I was afraid I would be able to fly the next day. The wave lifted just enough so I could handle the flight. Glad I went, but I was in pain the whole time.

 

I've read your posts, the good, bad and the ugly. I'm sorry that you are all struggling so much in the final month of our healing process.  I don't have breathing issues, but I do have sinus issues. It's like terrible allergy attacks. I've resorted to taking an antihistamine or I'd be sitting and blowing my nose all day.  My other sx are the same terrible burning lower legs, Benzo belly pain and pressure. If the legs don't sting I can sleep but otherwise I get little sleep. And of course, I'm totally off balance 24/7.

 

I believe we are all healing. It just that these waves are so strong and can last what seems like forever, that we forget all the improvements we've made.  I'm just 3 days from starting my 19 month and hoping it will be the start real healing with many windows.

 

 

[[Co...]]

Sky, yes... getting my dog out every morning has been like yoga to me.  And just like the image, once I am out at 7am rain or shine, my mind , for the most part is distracted and emptied of sx by the new sun, or the rain, or the cold.  And it allows my mind to roll along aimlessly for awhile, unless I am having such a terrible morning that I am consumed with physical sx. Now that it is summer and my daughter is out of school for the summer...she often joins us. That's really wonderful. Getting the dog out keeps me in my routine. Once we are back in I rarely go back to bed and am at least able to go through the motions of a somewhat normal day. I get completely lost in days that don't have routine and structure. 

. .Thank you so much for posting the image...it really is a perfect visual for what it means to be mindful

.....coop

[[Co...]]

Korbe, you and I are within a day of each other for jump dates. You did great on your trip. I think I am about where you are...Functional but really struggling still. I couldn't have gone on a trip I don't think...I am helping my daughter with all of her wedding plans , and like you I am so glad to be doing this with my girl but some days I am just hanging on by my non-existent fingernails....and a great deal of the time I feel detached and distant and trying to hide my anxiety, but so worth it.  ...It's such a long haul and I think living our lives the best we can, like taking trips to see family, or planning a wedding , or going to work, or to the market to get things to cook, or getting out to plays...taking the bike out to go look at poppies...all of the things we can do to show ourselves we are still living and doing our best to get back to ourselves

....Your post encourages me Korbe.  Onward we go....coop

[[je...]]

Sky.  It is really hard to do this without BB support....I would not be where I am in w/d without BBs...We are all here for you, but like you say, we are on the wrong side of the moon . You cam pm me any time....I am awake throughout the night.

. Really sorry to hear that fear and intrusive gloom was bobbing around above your head..  It's so suffocating ...fear and gloom...Yes, I get on here and cry and rant and worry and wail.  My daughter is only 22 and I don't want her to remember her wedding planning as difficult and sad because her mother was flat out crazed. I figure there are tons of people on BBs ...enough to spread my misery over....rather than scare my girl...and burn her our with a bunch of w/d misery.

....you are so strong, you never seem to waiver even in long waves... even though you can't be on more during the week, we are supporting you every day..  ..love to you Sky..  coop

 

 

Coop,

If your daughter is only 22 then you had her at 43? This gives me a little hope as I'm 40 years old and still want another child. Another thing benzos has robbed from me... Deep down I'm still hopeful that i will heal and still have a chance before I get too old.

[[je...]]

Jenny, reread spunky success story, she healed at 25 months, and was still wavy at 20 months questioning her healing. When you read the success stories so many heal at the 2 year mark. You are closer than you think, just getting so worn out. I understand. You are still leading the way for me, lead me to the finish line, OK?

 

Always, cindy

 

 

Thank you Cindy, I just read it-- very encouraging. I just wish I would see some improvements its been nothing for almost 6 months now..

[[dr...]]

Jenny-I'm trying to have a child w my fiancé. She is 40 and I'm 46. I too feel robbed. I've been so sick it's been hard to have relationships.

 

Okay...venting time...how the hell could I have just had two more panic attacks on a 1.5 mile walk!  I've been able to do hiking and all other stuff but now I'm revving just bring inside my house.  I thought getting out for a short walk would help...wrong! 

 

This wave came on like a ton of bricks. It is so hard to do over and over.  I felt again the worst was behind me(which it probably is) but each wave feels soooo bad.  I know I'm preaching to the choir but I need to say it. I have a life to live and a damn wedding in a foreign country in six months

 

I'm figuring on feeling a bit better at nineteen months or at least I thought these type of waves would be less but I haven't seen much to give me hope.  Ugh!

[[je...]]

Drew, I feel ya.. Its very discouraging when we still get hit this far out. You know the drill, just try and take it easy and it will pass. Thinking of you, jenny 

[[Co...]]

Jenny, I know maNY people who have babies in thier 40s. A very good friend of mine had her second son at age 44...I think they had a little infertility assist, but not the complicated hoopty-do stuff....As for me, I was unable to conceive a second child at 42...My daughter is adopted...I often forget that she is adopted. We had a lovely birth mother choose us as adoptive parents. We have had a very successful open adoption. My daughter has had a loving free flowing relationship with both of her  birth parents....and both sets of birth grandparents. It wouldn't work for everyone, but it just happened that everyone involved wanted what was best for our daughter and was mature enough to stay focused on that. We adopted her at birth...although we were not at the birth, I have always felt that the birth of a child is sacred and belongs singularly to that mother and child. We waited 3 days ( with bated breath) to give our daughter and her birth mother time to settle. We took a 6 week moritrium in which we requested private time to get our feet on the ground and bond with a newborn ( my son was 13 at the time)....It took some initial work and a little counseling ( her birth mother was only 16 as well as the birth father)...and one set of birth grandparents were grieving because they wanted to adopt her, but her very mature and brave birthmother did not want it to go that way. We have never been sorry, our daughter grew up with so many people who love her ( although we were always very clear in our boundaries about parenting and setting the ground rules). ....It truly made some of the psychological challenges of being an adopted child easier for our girl.  She is all grown up now and still has close relationships with her birth families....especially the birth mother and birth mother's parents. It is uncanny how alike she is to the birth mother's mother...I can easily see striking personality similarities...truly much of our personalities are genetic...

....Well, that was long...and totally off topic...really fun to write about something besides sx and w/d

....I hope you conceive another child...babies rock...and make our lives sweet and hopeful and sacred....

.....How are you doing ? ...I am low and slow today ...just barely holding my own...but hanging on...coop

[[je...]]

Nova,

Great to see you back here, we all missed you! This thread isn't the same without your thoughtful words and encouraging posts. Jenny 

[[je...]]

Coop,

What a beautiful story, thank you so much for sharing. Sounds like your daughter has an absolutely wonderful support from everyone, she is blessed. I would be open to adoption if I couldn't have my own, I'm still holding out hope that I can have my own but my body feels pretty broken at the moment. I'm just blessed to have my two boys, always wanted a third-- its a dream of mine.. Im feeling okay today, still can shake this head pressure and sinus stuff. I went to my sons end of the season soccer party today, surprisingly I didn't have much anxiety and was able to talk to a few parents, my sons coach and felt fine. You sound better Coop, maybe you don't feel it, but I hear some healing in your posts. Love ya, jenny

[[Co...]]

Drew,...so sorry ...I hate this stuff so much...Getting hit with panics after being free of them for a while is the cruelest part of this....I think....I was having cascading anxiety and panic all of last week....as you know, I was on my knees

....I know this doesn't work for everyone, and we all heal according to our individual systems, but for me....when I am wavy...really wavy I approach it like the flu...I accept that I am sick and proceed accordingly...I don't push much...do all of those you mentioned earlier ( except massage...I tried it and wanted to scream and fly off the table...partly because of my RA)  I lay around...do mindless things...eat what I can...go slow and low as Beulah says. I don't know if it makes it easier or not...a wave is a wave and is miserable no matter what.

....I am thinking of you...panics are so terrible...Sending love to you and hopes for a quick roll out of this wave.

....I think you are going to be good by the time your wedding is on the calender....and happy baby thoughts ..They are life's joy.....coop

[[dr...]]

Thx Jenny n coop!

 

I just finished rereading for the 100th time baylissa's book. It is such a comfort while in the worst of the waves.  I don't feel physically better but I'm in a slightly better place mentally. Not as hopeless. We have to keep our guard up against the benzo lies. 

 

Coop-you have her book?  To me it's the best

 

[[Co...]]

Jenny, that is wonderful that you were able to go to the soccer game and be social without anxiety...you are healing too....it's the up and down ...good one day ( or hour) and in despair the next...I am just tired....and beaten down by this...I really want my life back...we all do.

....You have been taking excellent care of yourself with your nutrition etc...I would bet your body is not too broken for another baby.....thank you for the encouragement...I needed it today....coop..

[[Co...]]

Drew, yes I have her book and sleep with it some nights...I am just in that awful place of thinking there is something seriously wrong with me....even though all the tests I had in the last 10 days say I am fine. Being quiet today has helped...I am anxious to start therapy for obssessive compulsive health fear, but couldn't get an appointment for 3 weeks out.  I didn't even have it like this in the first year.  I feel a little crazy ...really, if that would let up I think I would be at a decent baseline and strong enough to keep moving forward. .Time Time Time....keep reminding myself that so much healing could happen in the next 6 months...

....hold on Drew, you are go all the way...coop

[[dr...]]

Coop-I think that's a difficult part in the second year is the set backs(or whatever you want to call them). . You all spoke of it but until it happens....you know the story.  I now unfortunately I know it.

 

I don't want to follow in everyone's footsteps unless those footsies are healed!

[[je...]]

Coop,

Maybe your health fears are worse this second year because we are so far out, so subconsciously you are thinking "this can't be w/d,  I must be dying". I haven't had health fear at all during w/d except for this second year and because I'm so far out now, my mind just goes to the worst case scenario. I think the therapy will be helpful for you, your gonna get through all this and be stronger than before..

[[Co...]]

Jenny, I agree...and my sx are so intensely physical in this second year. In the first year, excepting some b/p spikes I had mostly mental sx. This breathless cough thing totally did me 9n for health fear...I think when that is over I will have more confidence that I do not have a serious health issue. It just angers me because I have never had this. I never ran to doctors or feared for my health.....and I don't trust the tests ..and feel that my doctors don't take me seriously because "anxiety" is up front on my problem list......crazy I know...yes I think the therapy will help. Drew is making big progress with his health fears with his CBT tools.  ..

.....I just read Spunky's success post...she said all of her fears just left...really hoping for that

....thanks Jenny....yes, I think we will all get through this ..with the help and support of each other.

....Enjoy your great sunbreak Jenny...it has been a long wait for you....coop

[[dr...]]

It feels like I used to do so much more during my taper and when I first jumped.  I'm not sure how much is fact of that though.  I knew I felt horrendous in my taper but my mind wants to tell me I'm doing less.