12-18 month support

[[Gr...]]

Good morning buddies...

...here is my thought for the day...a paraphrase of a Georgia O'Keefe ,.  " I have been terrified every minute of my life, I have never let it stop from doing anything". 

....That's my new mantra... I am not going to stop living because I am afraid of dying... even if I on a long shot had any of the things that torture my mind, I would still want to go out on my feet doing something.

....Right now just getting up each morning at 7 and getting the dog out...having a bath, puttering around and getting my 0lace put together .. doing anything to stay busy and not get back on the bed .. at least until afternoon is my best because , like Georgia I am terrified every moment. ...It is not the life I want.. or the life I had, but as Beulah said , "it is our healing life"

....I am beginning to have  brief moments of believing my ' life threatening conditions' are only w/d.. .so this is what I know when I think about reinstating....first, it won't help me, second if it did help me...it would only treat my fear....not any of the catrastophes that I fear.. so why bother...It is so hard and my mind just does not turn off for more than a few moments at a time...I can't concentrate on much of anything  but I am standing my ground. 

.....I am wishing all of my courageous friends here big sunbreaks....coop

 

Coop, that up there sounds like CBT!  Trouble is, CBT works best when we're at least partially reasonable, when we can hear that little rational voice of reason in the din of the mental symptoms.  Trouble is, in a major wave we're not at all reasonable.  At least, I'm not.  That's part of my definition of "wave," I'm out of my mind.

I'm so glad you're in a place now where you can use those tools.

[[Gr...]]

Hello Buddies.  Happy Sunday, as my friend Nova likes to say.  (hope he's doing something fun today)

I have simple garden variety fatigue, I'm a blob on the couch, and, as Coop says, I'll take it!  Relief from the revving and anxiety, yes.  Even have a little depression.  It's fine, I'll take it!  sleep is still horrible, hover sleep and tossing and turning.  But I'm more hopeful now, thanks to Drew's copy-paste, I got a lot of hope from that.  Esp. when she talked about the horrific month 18 wave.  Just knowing there's an end in sight.

 

Feel better everyone, enjoy this weekend.

[[Co...]]

I am also staying off fb and the net for awhile...and other threads on the forum...not because there is anything wrong with any of those ...it's what my mind does while scrolling through things.  ..however there is one thread on this board.. the ' doing one thing you are afraid of every day' .  such a good idea...the things I am afraid of now are things that I used to do as easily as breathing...very tiny fish as compared to going to meetings, going to work, going out ...etc etc, but again....this is not the life I want. .or the life I had, but this is my healing life... and taking my dog out is terrifying again ...but I did it...and I will do it 2 more times today and again tomorrow ....putting the dishes away and making the bed makes me think I can't breathe, but I did it anyway.. etc etc ...maybe someday it will all translate into doing the things I really want to do..  coop

[[dr...]]

Coop-you sound much better today. 

 

I'm really glad that post helped so many. She or he went back and posted a success story yesterday

 

 

[[Co...]]

Hi Green...I am only barely rational...hanging on by the fingernails I don't have because I have bitten them all off.  I don't know if it's CBT or not...and I keep losing the resolve of it..have to remind myself every 5 seconds.. It feels like being pissed off..  I just can't stand being afraid all the time.. maybe I will always be afraid but I don't have give up ...I can stay in bed all day ( which I have been doing on some days) and be afraid or I can at least keep myself moving.  I am going to be afraid either way.  But yes in a panic I can not access one bit of this

....I am sorry you had no good sleep.. that ruins everything.. there is not enough CBT in the world right now that would enable me to go out to a play by myself.. .to me you are hugely brave.  I think k that is basically what CBT is.  It's how to be brave when you are terrified.. the problem is.. I am missing the pleasure and joy of life...even if I am trying to be brave and do things that I am afraid of....my mind is still filled with fear.  Maybe that will go away in time..  This is all so hard.. I guess surviving it is the first part and losing the fear comes along... ? ...I am like you, hanging on to SS's story.. hope it is all of us soon....coop

[[La...]]

Coop:

 

Just wanted to jump in here and tell you that I am rooting for you and a complete recovery. Sorry to read you are still struggling so much. As you may recall, I jumped from ativan just a short time after you did (I was a very short time user).

 

While I still have unequivocal benzo sxs at this juncture (16 months off), they are intermittent and usually only mild, though they can get severe, as is the case with intense fear and gloom/doom. Usually happens to me after a bad night of insomnia, hich I am still dealing with. The sound senstivity and brain zaps still come and go....at 16 months off? This experience is truly insane. But we cant change what is past and I savor my windows, which are fortunately frequent.

 

I totally empathize with what you describe, when the fear is so intense, we can physically do things we are supposed to do, but there is no joy in it.

 

I just learned a good friend of mine has late stage pancreatic cancer. Lets consider ourselves fortunate to be where we are. Best wishes to you!

 

laser 

[[No...]]

Hi ... just hanging out today ... tried to go out for a walk this morning and got slammed with the panic stuff ... pissed me off ... then I just shrugged and turned around and came home ...

 

Riding the wave some more ... get very tired of saying it, but, it is what it is until it isn't ...

 

As Coop says ... "my healing life" ... much better than a few months ago and still lots of doubt and fear and lousy stuff ...

 

Another Sunday in Beulah's "paradise" ... 

[[Si...]]

Sig-I was one of the ones mag revved.  Once I stopped I had a terrible rebound effect on my nerve and muscle pain.  That can definitely be it!!!

 

Thanks for the info Drew! I guess I'll lay off for a while. If my sleep gets desperate I may take some again and then deal with feeling the aftermath. I can't bring myself to take any other prescribed meds for sleep. Did the magnesium make you more depressed? I had slight depression, but it's gone through the rough the last two weeks.

[[Si...]]

Sig-I was one of the ones mag revved.  Once I stopped I had a terrible rebound effect on my nerve and muscle pain.  That can definitely be it!!!

 

 

Yeah, once I stopped magnesium all hell broke loose. I would be very cautious with it.

 

Thanks for th input Jenny!

[[Si...]]

Hi Siggy.. sorry to hear that you are having nerve pain.. Wonderful that you can hike 4 miles...I hope the nerve pain eases for you. I have heard different things about magnesium. ..some people say it helps....others say it revs thier sx.  ....Sig...hope your day is good in spite of your light sleep ...coop

 

Just watching movies and being lazy. Need to do some house work, but I don't feel like it right now. Hope you're feeling better today Coop!

[[Si...]]

Well my decent day was short lived as today I'm back in benzoland... I woke up to a headache and massive pressure in my head, feels like its connected to my sinuses. Everytime I breathe in through my nose it feels like my head pressure expands. I think it might be a histamine intolerance or something like that, I read about it on here before but don't really understand it.. I feel weird.. Another Buddie on here described it so well he said " I'm fully functional, but just don't feel right" that's exactly how I feel. I never feel "right" , I think it has to do with dp/Dr too. Who knows maybe it was all the chemicals I breathed in at the hair salon yesterday, my sensitivities have gotten way worse this second year. I'm rambling, sorry. Well off to the home improvement store with my hubbie, not my favorite store..

 

Hi jenny, sorry your window was short lived. I woke up to a headache too. I did get about 10 hours of sleep though. I usually think I should restrict my sleep some, but the few times I did it it didn't seem to matter, so I just get as much as I ca when I can. I now waking up with bad depression too. I can function too (usually) but you're right, I just don't feel "right".

 

Sig, that's exactly what I've heard, sleep as much as you can whenever you can.  your body needs it.  that morning depression is normal, it rolls in and out.  hope it passes quickly for you

 

I had that trance like sleep last night where I can't tell how asleep or awake I was. I know I slept at least some because I remember just briefly dreaming. My head is killing me though and the nerve pain is flaring up. We went walking for four miles by the Chattahoochee River. I didn't have much depression from this until all these terrible symptoms came back. I don't know if I feel worse because I took magnesium for a few days and then quit? I think it was helping me get to sleep when I desperately needed it. Hope everyone else is doing ok.

 

Hi.  I've heard it called trance sleep, hover sleep.  whatever the name, not a good rest!  you'll get there, it will get better.

 

It is one of the weirdest things. Probably because I slept 10 hours both nights before. Thanks I'm hoping to see some improvements soon.

[[Co...]]

Nova... don't know how the rickety falling apart row boat holds together, but it does.  Hop on in.. My wave continues with panic and raging health fears too. ..so sorry your panic hit while you were out.  At least you had the courage and motivation to go out.  I was busy all morning . Anxiety every single minute.  Now, like you I am just chilling out watching some stupid movie . .that I am not really watching. My anxiety just washes over me in one wave after another....but in between are moments of relief.  Trying to 'be with' it and remind myself that each wave of fear that washes in also washes out.  Just have to wait it out.. It was Beulah who said, " this is not my old life, or the life I want, but it is my healing life"  That really helped me to embrace whatever it is that I can do on a given day and not feel so hopeless about what I can't do on a given day. Today the best that I can do is endure my anxiety and not run for er...I am learning to value this process as very hard work in and of itself, and on some days surviving is the work of the day.

....Nova, are you having cycling panics or lasting anxiety ? ...How is the breathing and faux asthma cough.  ? .. Mine is still causing me anxiety, but maybe somewhat less.  .

.....Nova, I so hope your panic stays away and you find some rest and calm in ' just hanging'.  Thinking of you .  ...coop

[[Co...]]

Hi Laser, yes I remember you from when I first came onto the forum....Thank you for the very encouraging words. You sound like you are doing very well.  So happy for you.. It is encouraging to know that a buddie 16 months out is seeing a lot of healing.  I was doing pretty good until months 16/17/18.  Month 18 has been the worst since acute.. I thought I would be healed by now...hopefully by month 24..

....keep us posted .  ..positive healing stories from buddies in the second year of w/d keeps us going here..  Enjoy your healing improvements.....coop

[[be...]]

I am also staying off fb and the net for awhile...and other threads on the forum...not because there is anything wrong with any of those ...it's what my mind does while scrolling through things.  ..however there is one thread on this board.. the ' doing one thing you are afraid of every day' .  such a good idea...the things I am afraid of now are things that I used to do as easily as breathing...very tiny fish as compared to going to meetings, going to work, going out ...etc etc, but again....this is not the life I want. .or the life I had, but this is my healing life... and taking my dog out is terrifying again ...but I did it...and I will do it 2 more times today and again tomorrow ....putting the dishes away and making the bed makes me think I can't breathe, but I did it anyway.. etc etc ...maybe someday it will all translate into doing the things I really want to do..  coop

 

My dearest coop..so sorry you are suffering so much. Sometimes just the most simple things makes me think I can't breathe...as Nova says...it's a bear....when I showered this morning you would have thought I ran a marathon..I was so breathless.

I know the health fears are so hard to live with everyday...they consume you..even though you know it's part of withdrawal..you still have to feel and live it.

 

Rest your mind coop...maybe start an easy craft for distraction. I'm making yarn wreaths for the fourth of July...I need to keep the focus off of myself and hope the day goes fast because evenings are so much better.

 

Getting over the hump is hard...but you're doing it. Rest easy.

[[Co...]]

Thanks Beulah...I know you suffer with health fear too...it's a tough one. I am really liking the ' do one thing you are afraid of each day' thread...they talk about fear, and then like you, they share a positive they accomplished to meet the fear. Some are like I am right now and are only able to accomplish things like going outside for a walk , while others are accomplishing bigger challenges...but the goal is the same for all...facing the fear on some level

....I don't know how you got through health fear in one piece. It is overwhelming and requires so much self talk...I am the word's worst hobbiest...I have to keep moving ...Right now I love housework...well I don't exactly love it , but when I am moving I am more able to distract . I have always been a ' mover'...although on bad days movies and sitcoms and writing on BBs really help...

  .You are really in control, being able to maintain through breathlessness so bad that taking a shower revs it up...you are very strong Beulah....your support is immeasurable to all of us.  Christmas?...already....I still don't have my geraniums in...or the basil...last year I had an entire little patio garden...unbelievable that this year I haven't had enough good days to put one in.  ..maybe if I get some basil and geraniums in by June 1 some of it will take...

...Beulah....Wishing you big sunbreaks. ...love to you....coop

[[Sk...]]

Sig-I was one of the ones mag revved.  Once I stopped I had a terrible rebound effect on my nerve and muscle pain.  That can definitely be it!!!

 

 

Yeah, once I stopped magnesium all hell broke loose. I would be very cautious with it.

 

This is so awful, so sorry to hear this. Is there nothing we aren't sensitive to these days ?  At this rate, we will have to watch out for water !

[[Sk...]]

Good morning buddies...

...here is my thought for the day...a paraphrase of a Georgia O'Keefe ,.  " I have been terrified every minute of my life, I have never let it stop from doing anything". 

....That's my new mantra... I am not going to stop living because I am afraid of dying... even if I on a long shot had any of the things that torture my mind, I would still want to go out on my feet doing something.

....Right now just getting up each morning at 7 and getting the dog out...having a bath, puttering around and getting my 0lace put together .. doing anything to stay busy and not get back on the bed .. at least until afternoon is my best because , like Georgia I am terrified every moment. ...It is not the life I want.. or the life I had, but as Beulah said , "it is our healing life"

....I am beginning to have  brief moments of believing my ' life threatening conditions' are only w/d.. .so this is what I know when I think about reinstating....first, it won't help me, second if it did help me...it would only treat my fear....not any of the catrastophes that I fear.. so why bother...It is so hard and my mind just does not turn off for more than a few moments at a time...I can't concentrate on much of anything  but I am standing my ground. 

.....I am wishing all of my courageous friends here big sunbreaks....coop

 

Coop, that up there sounds like CBT!  Trouble is, CBT works best when we're at least partially reasonable, when we can hear that little rational voice of reason in the din of the mental symptoms.  Trouble is, in a major wave we're not at all reasonable.  At least, I'm not.  That's part of my definition of "wave," I'm out of my mind.

I'm so glad you're in a place now where you can use those tools.

 

Sue, so we have figured out what CBT is, in two short sentences ? 

 

Coop, thanks for being so articulate about the life of fear wd has put you in. Fear is hard to fight, it may be the worst symptom.

 

For the moment, I am don't have it anymore, luckily. I could not handle fear on top of everything else. That fear you talk about, I project it on my loved ones. And they aren't about to rush to the doctor so that is settled.

 

Yesterday, in bed, I started having crazy thoughts, among which, I tried to imagine my house, how quiet it would be, if mr Sky died. Then it got worse.

 

The point is, this fear is horrible and very real. Our brains are wounded, and the wounds trigger our fear response. Our fear response should be something healthy that keeps us alive, but not now.

 

This far out, it's really awful.

 

Sue, by the way, I saw your flower in your progress log, very uplifting, I don't know if that was your intention. 

[[mr...]]

Sig-I was one of the ones mag revved.  Once I stopped I had a terrible rebound effect on my nerve and muscle pain.  That can definitely be it!!!

 

 

Yeah, once I stopped magnesium all hell broke loose. I would be very cautious with it.

 

This is so awful, so sorry to hear this. Is there nothing we aren't sensitive to these days ?  At this rate, we will have to watch out for water !

 

Sky: :2funny:

 

I know that magnesium can be tricky for some, but for me it proved to be very helpful.  It never ceases to amaze me how different we all are!  I have definitely learned from all of this that each and every one of us is individual, and I am much more accepting of the decisions others make for themselves than I ever was.  It used to be like I'd almost expect others to decide how I did or something.  Yeeshk.   Anyways.  Glad I'm a bit more "tempered" now

 

Coop & Nova, just keep on.  You're right on the cusp of a breakthrough.  Those ugly waves far out always usher new levels of healing   I'm excited to hear of your new baseline.

 

Jenny    How doing, girl?

 

Good to see you here Siggy   It's a heck of a good group here!

 

Green, beulah, Laser...all y'all... thinking of you mucho   Just sent a facebook message to a former coworker; she'd just posted about feeling in a challenging spot due to insomnia...mentions being on 9mg Xanax per day for over 20 years and unsure why things feel "worse" now...I was like   9mg is a large prescription!  Anyways, I told her a bit of my story, and talked about this forum tons.  I hope she comes and checks it out.  Hopefully, some day, these drugs will no longer be available...for now, the unfortunate "legacy" of withdrawal continues on to the next generation of "withdrawalers".  Praise GOD for this website existing ~ to help us all get to where we want to be.

 

Okie dokes, I'm heading in to work for now   Take care buddies!  Love you lots.

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Sky,...I can not even tell you how happy I am for you that you are not suffering under fear anymore. I think fear of our loved ones dying is just as miserable as fearing for our own lives.

..I know you are still struggling with other sx...so not having intense fear on top of it is a very good thing....Hope you are having a day with some sunbreaks...coop

[[Co...]]

Green, I just read your last progress entry too.....well said sista!!....This is crap....and damn hard ...damn hard every day!...I am crying right along with you.. every day. You are so not alone . I don't think we should put pressure on ourselves to be positive when we feel beaten down and wondering how we will get through the day. To me,there is a difference between negative and hopeless. What I hear from you....every time...even in your worst days is...utter hope and belief in this process. Not one time have I ever heard you say that you didn't think that you...and the rest of us would heal. It doesn't matter how we rant and cry and wail...as long as we keep going. The thing that keeps us going is hope and you always come in with hope and spread it around to the rest of us.

......the truth is...this is miserable stuff and we all hate it ...better days are coming.  I really love that you say it the way it is....love to you....coop

[[Co...]]

Mrs, ....wow...nice to see you...you sound great. I just read Kay2020's success story on the success board...she did a long slow taper like you did,and she got all the way to the bottom and out without major w/d sx...great story

....thanks for the encouragement..

..keep us posted ...we love all the good news....love to you girlie....coop

[[je...]]

Hi Mrs! Good to hear from you  you sound like your doing great!

[[Gr...]]

Hi Green...I am only barely rational...hanging on by the fingernails I don't have because I have bitten them all off.  I don't know if it's CBT or not...and I keep losing the resolve of it..have to remind myself every 5 seconds.. It feels like being pissed off..  I just can't stand being afraid all the time.. maybe I will always be afraid but I don't have give up ...I can stay in bed all day ( which I have been doing on some days) and be afraid or I can at least keep myself moving.  I am going to be afraid either way.  But yes in a panic I can not access one bit of this

....I am sorry you had no good sleep.. that ruins everything.. there is not enough CBT in the world right now that would enable me to go out to a play by myself.. .to me you are hugely brave.  I think k that is basically what CBT is.  It's how to be brave when you are terrified.. the problem is.. I am missing the pleasure and joy of life...even if I am trying to be brave and do things that I am afraid of....my mind is still filled with fear.  Maybe that will go away in time..  This is all so hard.. I guess surviving it is the first part and losing the fear comes along... ? ...I am like you, hanging on to SS's story.. hope it is all of us soon....coop

 

Coop, I've had some very desperate days, some pretty decent days, and everything in between.  Try not to despair, I know this will pass.  This is not who you are.  this is temporary

[[Gr...]]

Good morning buddies...

...here is my thought for the day...a paraphrase of a Georgia O'Keefe ,.  " I have been terrified every minute of my life, I have never let it stop from doing anything". 

....That's my new mantra... I am not going to stop living because I am afraid of dying... even if I on a long shot had any of the things that torture my mind, I would still want to go out on my feet doing something.

....Right now just getting up each morning at 7 and getting the dog out...having a bath, puttering around and getting my 0lace put together .. doing anything to stay busy and not get back on the bed .. at least until afternoon is my best because , like Georgia I am terrified every moment. ...It is not the life I want.. or the life I had, but as Beulah said , "it is our healing life"

....I am beginning to have  brief moments of believing my ' life threatening conditions' are only w/d.. .so this is what I know when I think about reinstating....first, it won't help me, second if it did help me...it would only treat my fear....not any of the catrastophes that I fear.. so why bother...It is so hard and my mind just does not turn off for more than a few moments at a time...I can't concentrate on much of anything  but I am standing my ground. 

.....I am wishing all of my courageous friends here big sunbreaks....coop

 

Coop, that up there sounds like CBT!  Trouble is, CBT works best when we're at least partially reasonable, when we can hear that little rational voice of reason in the din of the mental symptoms.  Trouble is, in a major wave we're not at all reasonable.  At least, I'm not.  That's part of my definition of "wave," I'm out of my mind.

I'm so glad you're in a place now where you can use those tools.

 

Sue, so we have figured out what CBT is, in two short sentences ? 

 

Coop, thanks for being so articulate about the life of fear wd has put you in. Fear is hard to fight, it may be the worst symptom.

 

For the moment, I am don't have it anymore, luckily. I could not handle fear on top of everything else. That fear you talk about, I project it on my loved ones. And they aren't about to rush to the doctor so that is settled.

 

Yesterday, in bed, I started having crazy thoughts, among which, I tried to imagine my house, how quiet it would be, if mr Sky died. Then it got worse.

 

The point is, this fear is horrible and very real. Our brains are wounded, and the wounds trigger our fear response. Our fear response should be something healthy that keeps us alive, but not now.

 

This far out, it's really awful.

 

Sue, by the way, I saw your flower in your progress log, very uplifting, I don't know if that was your intention. 

 

Sky, that flower is a testament that my brain is getting better.  I could not copy and paste flowers on the laptop, so I figured out how to do it on the phone.  Now I just need the next anniversary to demonstrate my new skill

 

The fear, yes.  And the insane thoughts.  I used to fear my sons would kill me.  The only reason I share that is because it was an absolutely irrational fear, with absolutely no basis in fact.  My two sons are pleasant, quiet, non violent young adults.  The worst thing they do is leave a mess in the bath for me to clean. We don't even raise our voices.  There is no conflict, no reason.  So when I look back at something like that, I marvel at how out of my mind I was, and still can be when mental symptoms hit.

 

I can be quite paranoid, mistrustful of people -- I was in a place where I thought most people were evil, bad, malevolent. 

and my fear can get so bad I have to drop to my knees and pray for it to be taken from me (I'm not particularly religious)  an overwhelming existential fear of everyone, anything, and nothing.

 

Coop, the fear is a mental symptom.  And it's out of control because glutamate is probably flooding your brain, all that anxiety.  My mental symptoms are much worse when I'm in a wave, or when I have anxiety.  When the anxiety passes, so will the fear.  You just need to hang on a bit longer.

[[Gr...]]

Sig-I was one of the ones mag revved.  Once I stopped I had a terrible rebound effect on my nerve and muscle pain.  That can definitely be it!!!

 

 

Yeah, once I stopped magnesium all hell broke loose. I would be very cautious with it.

 

This is so awful, so sorry to hear this. Is there nothing we aren't sensitive to these days ?  At this rate, we will have to watch out for water !

 

Sky: :2funny:

 

I know that magnesium can be tricky for some, but for me it proved to be very helpful.  It never ceases to amaze me how different we all are!  I have definitely learned from all of this that each and every one of us is individual, and I am much more accepting of the decisions others make for themselves than I ever was.  It used to be like I'd almost expect others to decide how I did or something.  Yeeshk.   Anyways.  Glad I'm a bit more "tempered" now

 

Coop & Nova, just keep on.  You're right on the cusp of a breakthrough.  Those ugly waves far out always usher new levels of healing   I'm excited to hear of your new baseline.

 

Jenny    How doing, girl?

 

Good to see you here Siggy   It's a heck of a good group here!

 

Green, beulah, Laser...all y'all... thinking of you mucho   Just sent a facebook message to a former coworker; she'd just posted about feeling in a challenging spot due to insomnia...mentions being on 9mg Xanax per day for over 20 years and unsure why things feel "worse" now...I was like   9mg is a large prescription!  Anyways, I told her a bit of my story, and talked about this forum tons.  I hope she comes and checks it out.  Hopefully, some day, these drugs will no longer be available...for now, the unfortunate "legacy" of withdrawal continues on to the next generation of "withdrawalers".  Praise GOD for this website existing ~ to help us all get to where we want to be.

 

Okie dokes, I'm heading in to work for now   Take care buddies!  Love you lots.

 

Mrs.

Bye, bye Mrs.  Happy Memorial Day.  Wow, 9 mg.  I wouldn't want to try to come off that!