12-18 month support

[[Co...]]

Drew.  Yum..  sea bass...grilled...with rice.  I made popcorn and oranges.  Keep on cooking friend....you sound like you are out of your wave.  Perfect....coop

[[Gr...]]

Green ... stamina seems okay ... usually takes me a while to get going, and it often seems I have to walk through some kind of wall ... and then things level out ... legs get tired usually after an hour and half or so ...

 

Wow, you're doing really good!  An hour and a half, that's great.  Yes, it takes me a while to get going, too.  Mornings are hard.

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi Green,...Glad to hear the bridal shower went well...yep, I need a decent hair cut so badly....I have just been trimming along on it for months.  You can imagine what a great look that is...Three days ago I was feeling good enough to think about going in for a cut...and I went shopping with my daughter for some summer things...the day after ..back in acute. .Months 13/14/15 were so much better...It just knocks me back that things that I used to do without thinking are now major accpmplishments...having vented that....I am committed to month 24..5 more months for me...I am reserving all giving up u til then, but I will be doing plenty of whining, crying ,  complaining , venting and stomping around until the 2 year mark..  I am trying...really trying to go with, it is what it is u til it isnt...I found myself thinking about getting a script for vistaril for bad anxiety...but now I am rethinking that. Before ativan I never needed anything  to go to Mass...or the grocery store,or my grandsons' classrooms.. or my own kitchen first thing in the morning...I think I am trying to do this because I want to be that person again....I don't ever again want to need a drug to go to the grocery. But I was just thinking about this the other day. I have a friend who has fibro. ...and COPD...and she smokes...she is on methadone, valium and oxysomething....this girl is 65...Happy as a lark...runs all over the place doing whatever she wants...but...her judgement is whacked, she can't figure out her smart phone, her kids are scared to death to let her drive...she doesn't see any of that ...she is just as happy as can be...no anxiety..no fear.....but she isn't close to the person she used to be...and I don't think she ever will be again....well that was a long rambling thing...If I can not be that person who needs ativan to live life...I can go another 5 months...it just seems like it won't end..

.....well, here's to wigs a diy haircuts for a little longer....coop

 

Coop, that friend of yours isn't living, not only is her judgment whacked, time is passing and she's not present in her head for any of it.  we've all been there to some extent.  These pills offer a little calm and steal our lives, our memories, and so much more.  The days when I have clarity, I realize how long I went in a fog, a long time. 

 

This is going to be worth it, we'll get there.  I was just whining a little myself.  The wig was a good idea, and I got through a bad day just fine.  So many have healed before us, and they all come back and say the same thing, healing happens, life resumes, and there's not enough hours in the day to accomplish everything.  And that's going to happen for us.

Sleep is still very off, I'm waking up every two hours.  I haven't done that in a while.  It's very slow getting started in the morning.  Another thing that was improved.  As you said, months 13, 14, 15, I was much better physically, I had more energy, more motivation, could just do a lot more.  Now I'm challenged on good days, and just don't go or do on bad ones.  but the mental clarity, people noticing, that's big healing, Coop,  that's exactly what Baylissa talked about in her final months.  we're close, but damn, withdrawal is like a dog hanging off your a$$ by its teeth.  It truly does not want to let go.

 

Just checking in on your posts, but I really had to repost Sue's latest drop of wisdom !! 

 

This image resonates with me, it really does.

 

I am going to bed now, I have been prioritizing my naps and my sleep in general, trying to get as much rest  as possible, when possible. Today  I had a nice, joyful day, but now, the clouds are descending again, and I am back in my doomed world of wd. Today was good, but the last two days were really, really bad, scarily bad. So, I am being super cautious now.

 

Tiredness is a problem, I feel like my legs are made of stones. So even things  I really like doing, like biking, have become too much for me to do, which is a pity, this spring is  gourgeous, just right for a nice ride.

 

I am sorry, I have not responded to any of your posts, I meant no disrespect.

 

I am going to bed now, wish you all a peaceful evening. 

 

Sky, I'm applauding your good days and booing the bad ones.  I'm right there with ya.  No energy, legs made of stones.  Today was scary rough,  the best thing I can say about today is that it's over!  Awful, horrible dawg day of withdrawal!! Woof, woof, woof, go the benzo dawgs.

 

Feel better.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Nova...yep...one more day..me too...the morning started out ok...then the cough thing started....it's almost exactly as you say, like asthma....feel kind of breathless during the cough. It had been going away later in the day, but now it comes in the afternoon too.  Brings anxiety with it. I don't understand why I am getting a strong bout of chemical anxiety somewhere in each day...it is, as you say , what it is until it isnt....It does get boring.  Still hanging out with the Waltons in the afternoon ...really fatigued by then. I had a chest x-ray on thursday...nobody called me yet about anything so I am assuming it was ok...how are your breathing/coughing issues....I would like to see this one go pretty soon ....Remember when "boring" was improvement?...We have come a ways my friend...sending some sunbreaks.....coop

 

Coop, the fatigue is murder, isn't it?  Today was one of the worst days.

 

I'm so sorry about the cough.  Could it be allergies?

 

I feel congested but don't cough.  I do get this weird thing where my throat gets very itchy and it causes me to panic.  I happened 2-3 times.  I had to stay very calm until the "itch" passed.  I don't know what made me panicky about it?  afraid I was choking?  I don't know. 

 

Today was so bad I'm just so grateful that it's over.  Hope tomorrow is better, for all of us.  I have a nail in my tire.  Slow leak.  couldn't deal with it today.  it will keep until tomorrow.

[[Gr...]]

Well Beulah....I ain't no nova but I just finished grilling Chilean sea bass, roasted Brussels sprouts, and some tasty rice.

 

nice, very nice.  did you use balsamic vinegar on sprouts?  that's a very nice recipe.

[[Ko...]]

Korbe...wow...a flight...I had trouble flying before benzos.  Going for a 10 day trip is huge...yes, I think your mom is right...go easy and do what you can...It sounds like it will be so worth it to see all of your family.

....I know you are feeling iffy, but the fact that you can even contemplate going is so encouraging. ...Reading your post gives me hope...so glad you posted...Wishing you more and more better days...coop

 

Thanks Coop for your kind words. I've really been suffering today, but luckily I had no plans. Spent the day in bed. Glad this didn't happen on Sat or I would have had to cancel my flight. Hoping for a better day tomorrow. It's my birthday. Turning 70. That's unbelievable to me.

Hope you get over the cough asthma thing and everything else.

 

Many Windows for you, you so deserve them.

 

[[Gr...]]

Korbe...wow...a flight...I had trouble flying before benzos.  Going for a 10 day trip is huge...yes, I think your mom is right...go easy and do what you can...It sounds like it will be so worth it to see all of your family.

....I know you are feeling iffy, but the fact that you can even contemplate going is so encouraging. ...Reading your post gives me hope...so glad you posted...Wishing you more and more better days...coop

 

Happy Birthday, Korbe!

 

Thanks Coop for your kind words. I've really been suffering today, but luckily I had no plans. Spent the day in bed. Glad this didn't happen on Sat or I would have had to cancel my flight. Hoping for a better day tomorrow. It's my birthday. Turning 70. That's unbelievable to me.

Hope you get over the cough asthma thing and everything else.

 

Many Windows for you, you so deserve them.

[[Ko...]]

Hi to all my 12 18 months buddies.

Just read all your posts. Wow we are really suffering in a terrible wave that seems to not want to end.  I'm right there with you wondering what the hell, I should be better by now.

 

On my trip to Seattle for the Flumazenil treatments I learned I could fly without flipping out, so I decided to fly to Salt Lake City to visit my family. I haven't seen my dad or brothers and sisters for over 3 years. My mom came to Califirnia to see me.  The flying part was fine, even brought my little dog. But, since I arrived, I was hit with more terrible Benzi Belly pain, burning legs & sleepless nights.

My mom says to just do what I feel I can. I'm usually good for a couple of hours in the afternoon until the pain get bad. I've got 10 days and that should give me enough time to visit with everyone. Just taking it slow and easy. At least seeing my family makes me happy even though I feel like hell. It's a good distraction too.

 

Hope all of you get some happy times and some relief from this awful wave.

 

Korbe, you're my hero.  With all of that nerve pain, you're on planes flying.  Good for you.  Im so glad you could visit with family.  Fear of being up all night (and other fears, lol ) has kept me from flying anywhere, spending nights anywhere other than my own bed.  I'm going to Atlanta in July, and that's hell or high water, so there is improvement here.

 

I noticed you're two weeks behind me, I'm Nov. 15.  I think things are going to get better for all of us around the same time, we're all so close in jump dates, that's why we all get hit so hard at the same time

 

Hoping we all have a better day today.

Hi Green, I don't know what happened to the post I wrote you earlier it just seems to have disappeared.  Can't remember what I said exactly, but not to think of me as a hero I just take chances. But usually buy insurance in case I have to cancel the flight. Also, I recommend getting wheelchair service. It really help to ease the pain & anxiety. I was lucky I wasn't to sick to fly this time, cuz I'm really sick now that I'm here. Just waiting for this to ease up so I can at least function. Been in bed all day today. You should be able to do your trip to Atlanta by July.

Yes, We should be getting better soon.

[[be...]]

Well Beulah....I ain't no nova but I just finished grilling Chilean sea bass, roasted Brussels sprouts, and some tasty rice.

 

drew..thank you..that does sound yummy. What kind of rice do you use? I also had Brussels for dinner.. and some perch.

I just don't have much of an appetite anymore and it seems like it needs to be jump started.

When I read people talking about food I start getting a little hungry.

I think I could just eat soup for the rest of my life.

 

[[Co...]]

Korbe....Happy Happy Birthday...I am right behind you at 65...I wanted to be doing other things at 65....I was on the couch most of yesterday too...I have been trying to keep up with some easy yoga, but it didn't happen yesterday. 

... just keep going Korbe...I think you sound like many of the w/d sx are fading ...but it seems like the ones that hang on are really tough and persistent.....

.....You are not alone...we are all in the same row boat...we will all get there together....Wishing you a much better day....coop

[[Co...]]

Beulah...me too...smoothies are all I want...but I pack em with tons of healthy stuff...takes me all morning to work through one. ...sending you thoughts for a good day....coop

[[be...]]

Korbe- Happy Birthday to you 🎶 Happy Birthday to you🎶 Happy Birthday dear Korbe🎶

Happy Birthday to you🎶 Yeah Yeah...I know I was out of tune..but I love to sing🎶

I went shopping for your Birthday..got you a pretty pink dress 👗with matching shoes👠 and purse👛 

I hope you have a peaceful day.Hugs.

[[Fi...]]

Koreb--Happy Birthday.  I so admire your spirit.  You're way braver than I am.  Let's hope your spunk is rewarded soon!

 

 

 

[[be...]]

Beulah...me too...smoothies are all I want...but I pack em with tons of healthy stuff...takes me all morning to work through one. ...sending you thoughts for a good day....coop

 

Coop, I love smoothies...but I think I'm getting a little tired of them...gonna try changing them up a little.

This morning's smoothie was ..kale, avocado,vanilla kefir with a splash of almond milk...and I'm still working on mine.

[[Sk...]]

Korbe- Happy Birthday to you 🎶 Happy Birthday to you🎶 Happy Birthday dear Korbe🎶

Happy Birthday to you🎶 Yeah Yeah...I know I was out of tune..but I love to sing🎶

I went shopping for your Birthday..got you a pretty pink dress 👗with matching shoes👠 and purse👛 

I hope you have a peaceful day.Hugs.

 

Beulah, you brought  a smile to my face ! 

 

Korbe, happy birthday,  :happybday:you are  a very brave person. I really don't know how you did that treatment, but most of all, you were so wise about it not working, I would have ripped my hair out.

[[Gr...]]

Hi to all my 12 18 months buddies.

Just read all your posts. Wow we are really suffering in a terrible wave that seems to not want to end.  I'm right there with you wondering what the hell, I should be better by now.

 

On my trip to Seattle for the Flumazenil treatments I learned I could fly without flipping out, so I decided to fly to Salt Lake City to visit my family. I haven't seen my dad or brothers and sisters for over 3 years. My mom came to Califirnia to see me.  The flying part was fine, even brought my little dog. But, since I arrived, I was hit with more terrible Benzi Belly pain, burning legs & sleepless nights.

My mom says to just do what I feel I can. I'm usually good for a couple of hours in the afternoon until the pain get bad. I've got 10 days and that should give me enough time to visit with everyone. Just taking it slow and easy. At least seeing my family makes me happy even though I feel like hell. It's a good distraction too.

 

Hope all of you get some happy times and some relief from this awful wave.

 

Korbe, you're my hero.  With all of that nerve pain, you're on planes flying.  Good for you.  Im so glad you could visit with family.  Fear of being up all night (and other fears, lol ) has kept me from flying anywhere, spending nights anywhere other than my own bed.  I'm going to Atlanta in July, and that's hell or high water, so there is improvement here.

 

I noticed you're two weeks behind me, I'm Nov. 15.  I think things are going to get better for all of us around the same time, we're all so close in jump dates, that's why we all get hit so hard at the same time

 

Hoping we all have a better day today.

Hi Green, I don't know what happened to the post I wrote you earlier it just seems to have disappeared.  Can't remember what I said exactly, but not to think of me as a hero I just take chances. But usually buy insurance in case I have to cancel the flight. Also, I recommend getting wheelchair service. It really help to ease the pain & anxiety. I was lucky I wasn't to sick to fly this time, cuz I'm really sick now that I'm here. Just waiting for this to ease up so I can at least function. Been in bed all day today. You should be able to do your trip to Atlanta by July.

Yes, We should be getting better soon.

 

Korbe, it will ease up.  As bleak as I feel the last few days, even I know, it always eases up.  That is the nature of our waves.

 

The hero part.  It's not about age or getting insurance or what kind of shape you're in when you get there.  It's your spirit, that no matter how hard withdrawal kicks a$$, you get up and you try.  That's what I applaud.  I think I've let withdrawal cow me, I've lost that spirit to fight back.  But you are an inspiration to me.  As I said, I'm going to Atlanta in July, no matter what, even if I have to get an ambulance to get to the airport, lol.

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Tuesday, May. 19

 

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

 

Margaret Mead

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

Had a terribly disheartening day yesterday.  More than just the usual can't get off the couch stuff.  Really sad and worried that this isn't going away.

 

I'm so glad I read Korbe's post about going to Salt Lake.  For the longest time, I have had to curb my urge to fight withdrawal, for the obvious reasons, that I will not win, withdrawal is too big and too bad, it will crush me, punish me if I push against the symptoms, try to fight them  I had to learn acceptance, which I definitely wasn't good at before, which is a good thing in some ways.  actually, it's hard to think about fighting when you feel as weak as a kitten.

 

but the downside of this experience is I fear I've lost my fighting spirit.  Where i'm at right now, I'm not doing any fighting, lol, but it's something to think about, maybe setting small goals -- I did this last year!  why do I feel like I'm doing everything I did last year all over again!  Arrrrr!  I need to break out of this wave prison I'm in.  I hate it.  I'm so uncomfortable in my own body and my own mind, and I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

I'm sorry, I am such a downer today.  Feel better, everyone.

[[No...]]

Hi ... well ... the old fool has done it again ... woke up this morning and feeling lousy ... in a fed up sort of mood I just went out and walk for three and a half hours ... and felt pretty good most of the time ... got home ... had a bite to eat and got slammed ... and I ache all over ...

 

Oh well ... that means I get to spend a quiet afternoon "recovering" ... 

[[No...]]

Food ... Clean Out The Fridge Chicken Chili ...

 

Leftover roasted chicken ...

 

Some brown lentils ... from the freezer ...

Some kidney beans ... from the freezer ...

 

Onions ... celery ... carrots ... garlic ... and any left over red, green or yellow peppers ...

 

Stewed tomatoes ... and tomato paste ... and the leftover ketchup bottle ... and any left over tomatoes ...

 

Cumin ... oregano ... and basil ...

 

Big pot ... cook slow ... season to taste ... and eat ... and if there is a good deal left over, freeze a container for down the road ...

 

[[No...]]

Green ... sorry you had such a lousy day yesterday ... and ... the spirit will come round again ... and ... you ain't a downer ... you just is ... 

[[Sk...]]

Hi ... well ... the old fool has done it again ... woke up this morning and feeling lousy ... in a fed up sort of mood I just went out and walk for three and a half hours ... and felt pretty good most of the time ... got home ... had a bite to eat and got slammed ... and I ache all over ...

 

Oh well ... that means I get to spend a quiet afternoon "recovering" ... 

 

Hey don't you dare call my buddy an " old fool " !

 

Sorry you had this happen to you, but you are not foolish, you just want to live a little !  You like to live dangerously...  A 3 hour walk? what were you thinking of ? 

[[No...]]

Wasn't thinking ... just ambling along ... and seems I ambled a bit too far ... besides, now I can sneer at the beast and say "see, I can do it" ... even if I get slammed afterwards ...

 

Just kind of got in a zone and kept walking ... a good distraction ... and ... was probably going to get slammed anyway ... 

[[No...]]

Happy birthday, Korbe ... keep truckin' ... we are getting there ... 

[[Sk...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

Had a terribly disheartening day yesterday.  More than just the usual can't get off the couch stuff.  Really sad and worried that this isn't going away.

 

I'm so glad I read Korbe's post about going to Salt Lake.  For the longest time, I have had to curb my urge to fight withdrawal, for the obvious reasons, that I will not win, withdrawal is too big and too bad, it will crush me, punish me if I push against the symptoms, try to fight them  I had to learn acceptance, which I definitely wasn't good at before, which is a good thing in some ways. actually, it's hard to think about fighting when you feel as weak as a kitten.

 

but the downside of this experience is I fear I've lost my fighting spirit.  Where i'm at right now, I'm not doing any fighting, lol, but it's something to think about, maybe setting small goals -- I did this last year!  why do I feel like I'm doing everything I did last year all over again!  Arrrrr!  I need to break out of this wave prison I'm in.  I hate it.  I'm so uncomfortable in my own body and my own mind, and I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

I'm sorry, I am such a downer today.  Feel better, everyone.

 

I know what you mean. But I believe we have a very clichè version of fighting back in our minds. Take the weak kitten, for example.  Even when he is weak, he still puts in a hell of a fight.

 

We have to revise our idea of fighting. I don't see you as losing your spirit at all, you just sound tired. And tired is not conducive to good thinking, especially in wd.

 

You go to the theatre, you drive, you went to a bridal shower, do I have to go on ? You are not doing the comparing thing again ? Don't, please don't.

Anyway, we don't call wd Groundhog day for nothing, so your feeling is normal.

 

Try to imagine all the people, ordinary people, out there  having to put up with half of what you are putting up with. They could not. Not for a second, they would go nuts and break down. NOt us, we are way too cool for that !

 

What you are doing is nothing short of amazing. You are just looking at it from a different perspective.