12-18 month support

[[Co...]]

Nova, so glad to hear that you are feeling better.  Wanting to skip down the sidewalk is a very good thing.  I hope it holds through the day.  Through days and days.  Enjoy your walk.. coop

[[Co...]]

Well, my wave seems to be rolling back over me...Seems like the Benzo flu is here for a visit.  Big headache, tinnitus, nausea, motion sickness and the shakes.. boy do I hate this. And of course throw in some anxiety..

......nothing to do but 'be with ' it and rest.  Looks like a bed day ...maybe it will lessen by later in the day. 

  ....Hope everyone else is having a better day.  .coop

[[No...]]

Hi ... went for a walk to the market ... should have stayed home ... seems my lymph stuff is flaring and that usually means another bout of benzo flu ... achy and jittery ...

 

And things are looking better ... all that alligator skin stuff on my lower legs from the pedal edema has cleared up and the hair is growing back ... yippee ... if you see skinny hairy legs at a theatre near you, they might be mine ... 

 

Two steps forward ... one step back ... long weekend here ... our Victoria Day Weekend ... a marvelous mid-Spring day outside ...

 

Hang on Coop ... smack a Walton for me ... 

 

Hi Beulah ... have a good day ...

[[...]]

Marj...so sorry ...I know that beat down down feeling so well. Crying is a good thing...Are you raising 2 kids alone and working?....

.....I am right there with you today. I had 2 pretty good days.  and got up this morning back in benzo land. I am happy to hear that your sleep was better....We will take any i.prove mentioned that comes along. ....Marj...more better days are coming our way. We have to allow ourselves to feel what we feel , go gentle with our poor beat up spirits and keep putting one foot in front of the other. 24 months is a little ways out yet and a lot of healing can happen in the next 4-8 months...as Green reminded us from the beginning, " no one gets left behind". 

. ..Marj, I am thinking of you and hoping your day picks up for the better.  coop...

 

Hi there Coop, yes I am raising my kids by myself and they are great kids (17 and 15). Their Dad is in their lives, however I am the one that 'deals' with everything. There are plenty of others who have done it, so can I It pains me so much that I am not the lively independent Mum I have always been. I do what I can but have not cleaned my house much for ages. I know that is not really too important right now, it's just that I used to be a real multi tasker. Energy does not allow for all that at present. I'm going to potter in the garden for a bit, water plants, hang washing, stuff that doesn't take much 'doing'. then the dreaded shopping; if I go a bit later armed with a list it's quiet and it's usually a big sigh of relief when its done.

I do hope your day does get better for you, having 2 good days is such a good sign, just a big let down when awfulness returns. it's horrible what we are having to go through. We do though, even on those days when we think we can't take this anymore. Our need for survival, our spirit is stronger than this withdrawal. I have done a lot of crying recently, the tears come so easily which is a good thing.

Can't wait for the laughter to return though, so sick of feeling miserable and having to fake. Oh well, nothing can make this go away.......just time and patience (the patience runs very thin mostly) 

[[Co...]]

Hi Marj....I raised my so by myself...I know how hard that can be....but so worth it...somehow he managed to grow up happy and normal. He is a fireman/paramed. He has 3 little boys and a beautiful wife.

.....Your post is encouraging...as much as we don't want anyone to suffer with this, it is always reassuring to know that we are not alone. ...Yes, the shopping, even at 18 months out ,if I do major shopping on one day I usually get hit the next day. I went clothes shopping with my daughter ( I hate clothes shopping, but really needed to), so I shouldn't be surprised that my wave rolled back over me. ...This is definitely not for sissies.  So many brave and strong people on this thread and throughout the forum...I have huge respect for you and Peace and HH.  everyone parenting while going through w/d.

....It is hard to keep stay hopeful through the second year, but so many BBs report the majority of thier healing is solid somewhere around 24 months...We are so close...with so much of the race behind us.

....Are you getting some windows and/or improvements of your baseline? ...You sound really positive....that in itself is so strong....I hope your day brings you some bright sunbreaks....coop

[[Si...]]

I fell asleep around 11 last night and woke up a few times but as usual no problems falling back asleep. Finally was awake around 8:30am and then just snuggled with the wife while watching morning news. I wake up feeling depressed usually though as the fear of not sleeping tonight creeps in. I really need to work on that. It would help if my sleep would normalize though.

 

Sorry to hear some of you aren't feeling great. Just take it as easy as you can. We have Korean lessons tonight. 6 months of Saturday's. Only 7 more classes to go.

[[Sk...]]

Hi, I am having very strong anxiety and have been very tired all day, dangerously tired.  And this is my good day ! 

 

I had a moment that reminded me of acute, rather harmless, but I really don't want to be reminded of acute.

I was eating my favourite yogurt, and suddenly, it tasted like soap, I  threw it up. MR Sky, poor lamb, tasted it right before my  eyes and it was fine. So I gave it another try and still I threw up. So, for the moment, yogurt is out of the question. That happened to me a lot in acute.

I even had a spot of agarophobia at the library, and that was a corner I had hoped to have turned forever. Guess, it's just a reminder ! As if we are going to forget !

 

I am going to curl up with mr Sky watching some very mindless television and then, throw away the garbage. I have to tell you, this is my fun moment, I love doing it, can't say why ! It gives me a mindless errand to do and an excuse to walk down the road behind my house, it's so green,  it's gorgeous in Spring and  summer.

That's all the social life I can handle !! 

 

I just wanted to share with you this beautiful post by Fliprain, on the mentoring thread. Hope it gives you the comfort it gave me.

 

That was then and I'm no longer feeling those things. I have a little arthritis here and there but no residual muscle tightness. I did yoga this week and was as flexible as anyone there, more than most. My arthritis doc says the key to living well is to maintain a strong core and to keep the flexor tendons stretched, so yoga is excellent for both.

 

I am finding life so exciting! I've been absolutely grace-of-god-stroke-of-luck serendipitously dropped right smack down into the community of recovery. More and more opportunities are opening up for me and it is life giving to offer what I have learned in this journey to others. I feel like I'm in Flow some of that time, and during those truly sacred moments, I do not feel discomfort of any kind. If I had a lot of money and didn't have to work, I'd be volunteering in the recovery community until I couldn't anymore.

 

There was a time just 4 years ago, where I didn't commit suicide only because I didn't want to hurt my family. Today, I would live forever if I could. It seems like there is not enough time to crowd in all the lovely things, all the touching of souls, all the grateful looks and words, all the sighs of relief, all the hope, all the shared understanding, all the joy. My greatest desire is to live life until I die and to be engaged, imaginative, involved and connected right up to the last minute. I want to see the beauty in every situation and I believe it is there. Even the benzo journey has its beauty. Right now it probably looks like a crappy dirty piece of dog doodoo to most of you, but I promise that when you emerge from this everything is so sweet that it's practically indescribable.

 

Wasn't it Ghandi who said, "My life is my statement"? That is my fondest desire.

 

 

[[Co...]]

Nova.. yep...jittery, anxious, dizzy, chest bands, neck bands, head bands....1 step forward 2 steps back.  But as hobbled as that is it will get us there.

....Very glad to hear that your scales are falling off...that's always a very good sign...I will be on the look out for skinny hairy legs...sorry about the lymph getting in the way of your walk...

...I can not remember having these intense

physical sx and 24/7 anxiety. ...nothing to do but keep moving forward. This morning I wanted to go to er because of the chest bands and the faux asthma, but I backed it down The band's of tightness come and go so I am deciding it's anxiety. I have had some moments of let up ...and then it comes back and gets me. I had such good days on Wed/thurs...focusing on that....

.....Nova do you get lymph pt ...? I went last summer for lymph pt in my surgical site and it helped...but, yes walking is really good if it's in your legs...it really messes things up I know.....Wishing you some warm sunshine on your patio.....coop

[[Co...]]

Sky....yep big anxiety here too.. like you, its straight out of the acute playbook.  So sorry this is happening to you on your 'good' day....seems like such a cheat.

....Also eating issues here...just can't approach food ...thinking about eating triggers a wave of anxiety...nobody but buddies or hard core anorexics would begin to understand that....Getting some fruit smoothie in and some lemon/honey tea. 

    The mindless chores are such a nice distraction...putting away the dishes and taking the dog out briefly sometimes refocuses my mind.

....Your little corner of the world sounds truly beautiful. ...yes, a quiet easy day is my agenda for the day too.  Mindless quiet movies ...I don't even follow them ..it's just something to see and some chatter to distract my looping mind.

.....Sky...I hope your day improves. .although I think it must be night time now in Italy?.  Sending you wishes for another good day tomorrow...and many many good days.

......I love Flip's new thread.  Very encouraging. Flip's posts and blog were the first ones I read when I came on the forum months and months ago...maybe May or June of 2013. ..I never thought I would still be in w/d 2 years later.  None of us did....We are lucky to have her manning that thread.

.    Rest well Sky....coop

 

[[No...]]

Coop ... sorry you had such a rough day ... I am having one as well ... can't seem to settle today ... 5 minutes here, 5 minutes there ... oh well ...

 

For me, got the breathing issue stuff ... the rest is, well, sort of my normal stuff ... and it hasn't been the worst Saturday I have spent ... and I still want a refund ... 

[[No...]]

Hi Sky ... hope you get some relief in curled up evening ... 

[[Co...]]

Nova, when you say " breathing stuff' ...do you mean the faux asthma...? ..I think I have a new anxiety ( how many can there be? ...do I have to do time with every one of them?).....I get a ' faux' dry hacky cough with it and then feel that band around my chest and feel like I can't breathe. I think it is anxiety related....and Beulah said she had the cough with it too. ...Does any of that sound familiar?

Nova, mercy!..  Aren't we there yet? ...Did we miss the detour?....You and Sky and me...we are rowing this boat in wild waters the best we can.......I want out of the deep end of the ocean.....coop

[[be...]]

I just can't wait till we are all healed and posting about our wonderful days...so looking forward to this.

HealingHope is out there living and we need to stay encouraged by hers and others posts.

 

I'm having a downer day...a day of self pitty...I hate this. I had planned on going to my nephews graduation but I'm in the anxiety soup. I told my husband to please go without me and he did.

I can't stop crying...I want the withdrawal to be over so badly. I can't explain this to everyone and I'm running out of excuses of why I can't go here or there....today it was a stomach ache.

 

I'm so sorry everyone is in the soup today...wish I could make it better.

Maybe tomorrow will be better for us all.

Hugs.

[[No...]]

Coop ... the breathing stuff ... it feels like I am not breathing sufficiently ... and I am ... and it comes and goes during the day ... today my tightness is in the back ... very strange ...

 

And the doubt keeps coming and going ... and my neck feels swollen, and it is not ... and coughing a lot ... and sometimes the swallowing feels like it is not working ... and it is ... just crazy stuff ...

[[Co...]]

Beulah....so so sorry to hear that you are sailing the high seas  too. Jump in our rowboat....Nova and Sky and I are excellent rowers....It kills me to hear that benzo has made you cry today...and miss your grandson's graduation. .I miss things with my grandsons too. I call them and tell them I hated to miss the event and make plans to call them on my very next good day and take them out for a 'late celebration' of whatever I missed. I have a fairly believable 'out'.. vertigo.  I have explained to them what vertigo is and how it comes and goes with good days and bad days.. it still kills me to miss thier stuff...

....The day you hope for will come Beulah....I am so sorry you are having a bad day....you deserve so much better ( as we all do).  I hear ya with the anxiety...it has me on my knees crying today too...I wish you lived in my city....you could come over and watch 6 episodes of The Waltons with me and drink tea...and eat cookies.  .Whatever happened to my days of having a friend over for a full fledged movie and a beer and pizza....I want those days back....Or the days I could prepare an entire roast chicken dinner with all the extras and dessert for my whole family.....and do up all the dishes myself after. 

....I want all those days back too Beulah...and I think about it all the time....all the things I will be able to do again when I am better...

...A bit of irony....a big thunderstorm just moved in ....lightening and all the rumbling.  I hate ...hate thunderstorms.  But it is actually a break to focus my anxiety to something outside my body...

  ...I am thinking of you  Beulah ...so glad you are here with us.  ..love to you dear friend.  coop

[[Co...]]

Nova, I had that 'paralyzed swallowing' thing in year one.  Making yourself yawn ...or taking a drink of water will unparalyze it...but it is spooky ...all of a sudden it just won't work and then a bolt of fear. ....

....Thank you for describing your breathing sx to me. I just kind of got past the 'can't get a full breath' thing .. and now the tight bands around my chest, back, neck and head with the cough and asthma like sensation of 'I can't breathe'...yes, mine comes and goes throughout the day too. I tried the Arnica that you suggested on my neck and I do think it helps...also a hot pack on the back of my neck...

......It is all scary, it helps to know that I am not the only one 'not breathing'...although what I really want is for all of us to be well and living our lives....coop

[[be...]]

Ahh..thank you coop. I just need to get over this self pity...I hate it so much...it's not me.

Yesterday I had the faux asthma and low anxiety..today I can breathe fine and have high anxiety..this is crazy.

I know all about the trouble swallowing..I haven't had it in a while...it was like my swallow reflex wouldn't work and food would just lay in the back of my throat...so scary. I still take very small bites of food because I don't trust any of this stuff.

 

I don't like thunderstorms either and it's storming here..has been raining all day.

We had the -race for the cure- today downtown and my son and daughter in law ran in the rain...so proud of them.

 

Even though these symptoms are not us...it's still painful in so many ways.

 

Better days are ahead for all of us. Hugs

 

[[Co...]]

Beulah.  It is so painful and so scary. I benefit from your story every day. I remind myself every day that you healed completely in your first w/d. I take so much heart from knowing that Beulah....I think you said it was 24 months ...I think of that every time I think that I can't go one more day. ...Your story and HH's story keep me going

  .Beulah, I don't think it is self pity....I think it's w/d ...and total battle fatigue....Some of our worst waves are getting us after we have been at this for so long.. I cry almost every day. 

....How is your anxiety now?  Mine has dropped down half a notch, bit my health fears are badgering me..

    We are going to get there.. A few more months...and a little more serious healing.  Sending sunbreaks and love.  .coop

[[be...]]

Coop, my anxiety is better..usually gets better in the late evening. I have stopped crying..thank goodness. I think you're right ..It probably is the withdrawal...waring me down.

Some days I get so emotional and other days I can't cry or feel any emotion.

Glad your anxiety calmed a little.

Hey coop..have you ever had burning skin or burning nerve pain?..I've had it a lot today.

I hate to hear you are crying everyday..I don't mind the crying so bad..it's all of the emotional baggage that comes with it.

Those awful health fears are really beating you up...so sorry...it's hard to live with..I know!!!!

 

I wish you many Sun breaks!!!! Hugs

 

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Hi Beulah.  I have only had one or two episodes of what I think was nerve pain...just last week. It felt like an electrical shock that started at the top of one of my legs and just shot through my body up to my ribs.. so weird and painful. ..Is that what you mean by nerve pain?...

.....I do cry every day.. just so tired and miss my old life so much...but then I feel a little better. Yes, if it wasn't for the health fear triggered by every body sensation I would be much more functional. Time time time...

..I am feeling a little better tonight ...hoping it holds through tomorrow...

.....I am sorry Beulah, that you have that awful nerve pain...I can't imagine enduring that. ..I also haven't had very much burning skin. Sometimes at night my feet and legs burn but not for too long.....BTW.. I was reading over on the protracted board and there is a 5 page thread on the breathing issues.  we are not alone in that...not alone by a long shot. ..

....How do any of us do this?    When are you opening your Tropical Island Healing Commune.  I am willing to make beds and peel potatoes.  ....

  ..Beulah , our crying days will be over.  ..sending smiles...coop

 

[[Co...]]

Nova, ...how are you doing? ...I was just reading over on the protracted board...5 pages of thread on breathing issues.. seems that it is pretty common ...and irksome ...I can't remember who started the thread, but you have to scroll down a ways...just titled as ' breathing issues'  or something close to that...

....hope you are doing better...Wishing you good rest. It was a hard row today .....coop

 

[[...]]

Hello all;

 

Sorry to see many of us struggling.

Last few days  dealing with chest pains dizziness & shortness of breath. Gets worst when I phisicly do too much. Also cranks up anxiety. Blood presure ok and EKG normal although still difficult not to obsess thinking "might I have a serious cardio issue".

 

I've experienced this in the past but thought it was long gone,benzo WD  the gift that keeps on giving.

 

 

 

[[Si...]]

Hey Jrod what's going on? I'm back in insomnia hell. Sleeping one day and not the next. I was doing great until I got the flu in March. It got messed up after that. Looks like tonight will probably be 0 again.

 

PS I got some Ultra-mag, takes the edge off, but doesn't rally help me get to sleep.

[[je...]]

Hi guys,

Ive been too sick to post, just want you all to know I'm thinking of all of you. 

[[Si...]]

Hi guys,

Ive been too sick to post, just want you all to know I'm thinking of all of you. 

 

hey Jenny, thanks for stopping by. Sorry you've been feeling to sick to come around.