12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Siggy ... yes, you did have five good months ... and you will have those good months again ...

 

You are a long way out ... you have stayed with this process ... and you will get to where you are fully recovered ... we all will ... nobody gets left behind ...

 

And we all have are own unique path through this process ... and we have the stories of all the folks that have gone before us and all the folks traveling with us ...

[[Si...]]

Thanks for the reassurances! My wife said she wouldn't be able to deal with withdrawal and would probably just stay on the meds for life if it was her. I'm very lucky that she at least is very empathetic even if she can't fully understand what I'm going through.

[[No...]]

Siggy ... it is hard for folks to understand what we are going through... and they probably do not need to ... if they can show us empathy then that is their blessing for us ...

 

This journey through recovery is very foreign to most of us ... we have never been in this sort of place before and for some us all we have to guide us is those who have come before us, those on the journey with us and ourselves ... and when we have loved ones who stand by us even though what we are doing is a mystery to them that is so helpful and reassuring ...

 

Trust is a very helpful thing during our recovery ... being trusted and trusting ourselves ...

[[...]]

My day picked up yesterday, I was able to cut my lawn before I took my son to his athletics club. Felt almost ‘normal’, even slept. Today I am here at work with intrusive thought telling me I’m going crazy and awful burning stinging pain. I feel afraid, fatigued and have rigor mortis, although it’s not as bad as it’s been before. When feeling relatively normal I cannot imagine feeling like this and when I feel like this I  cannot imagine feeling ok; it’s so confusing for our already scrambled brains. If I wasn’t at work I would just cry – don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. I will go for a walk soon, hopefully it will calm my mind enough to concentrate. I think my fear is from the thoughts that I will lose patience with this, lose control and get locked away, yet I would have laughed this off last night……………so cruel.

 

Green than you for posting things for ‘the newbies’

 

 

Nova, Yes trust is vital at the moment, however it is very teasing at times. I will never take this for granted again.

[[Co...]]

Marj.  I have written the same thing....several times..  In a window I can not even summon the intrusive thoughts and fears  that descend on me and hijack my mind in a wave. In a wave I can not summon my normal mind ....or have any real command of the mental/ emotional brutal pain. ...You are not alone, I think all of us experience exactly what you describe. We have 2 minds.  our own normal rational minds and the mean scary sad benzo mind. I know this will change for all of us. We will all return to our selves and our own minds. You will not go crazy, although we are living through a wild crazy process. ...I think crying helps....it releases some of the weariness of it all. ....

....I am very glad that you got a nice break from the hardness of it yesterday. More  sunbreaks are coming to you. We are in the home stretch. The only thing that helps me in a wave of intrusive thoughts is distraction. My intrusive thoughts and fears are relentless health fears ...I don't work, and have huge respect for those who do. I really don't know how anyone is able to work while going through this.

....Lately I have been just trying to do the things I would 'normally ' do...with or without sx....that works to a point. I can stay busy and distracted around my apartment and outside around my complex.  Going out and about has been impossible in this 6 week wave, but I am feeling somewhat ready to at least do some shopping etc with my daughter.

.....The only thing we can do is go one day at a time and do the best we can do with whatever kind of day shows up

.....Wishing you sunbreaks today....coop

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Wednesday, May. 13

 

The more you sense the rareness and value of your own life, the more you realize that how you use it, how you manifest it, is all your responsibility. We face such a big task, so naturally we sit down for a while.

 

Kobun Chino Otogawa Roshi

 

[[No...]]

Marj ... We do the best we can each day ... whatever shows up will always pass eventually, we know this ...

 

And ... we don't have to make a "deal" with this stuff ... there is no bargain to be struck ... totally not necessary ...

 

We are a success ... we will get there ... already guaranteed ... just takes some time ... and our staying with it ...

 

Quite simple really ... and in the meantime we get to have some very confusing and stressful times ... and they always pass ...

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... I slept for 8 hours or so ... was up for a while and felt good ... went back and had another three hours ... now feel like crap ...

 

Went out anyway ... don't want any of this agoraphobia stuff creeping in ...

 

How ar4e you doing this morning ... 6 AM your time ...

[[Co...]]

Hi Nova....Happy to hear that you are getting some sleep in spite of the early wake ups. I think you are right to sleep when you can . The too early wake ups are back for me too. I was getting some decent 1pm -7am sleep....until this wave. Now it's 12-5...but this morning the head pressure, tinnitus, fear, cortisol rush, intrusive thoughts and vertigo are taking a morning off...hoping it holds. There is no use in trying to go back to sleep. That just makes it worse...so just writing on BBs and listening to some tapes.  Trying to break the tv habit.

    It rained all night here.  Was nice to wake up to the sound of rain. .. Nova, I hope your day is good , without  breathing wonkiness or throat pressure. I hope you cook something wonderful in your kitchen and get some sunbreaks.....coop

[[Co...]]

* 11pm-7am*..  not 1pm to 7am...although that would have been one way to get through w/d. 

[[No...]]

Coop ... good to hear you are doing okay this morning ... seems I am falling into the soup ... just hanging on until this one passes ... another rocky ride ...

[[Co...]]

Sig, .. seems like several of us are getting a re-visit of sleep issues. I think it will be not the months and months of insomnia and disturbed sleep that we endured in the first year. It is so encouraging that you had 5 months of improvement. My improvement has been more gradual and erratic than that, but I will take any improvement I can get.

. ..It is unbelievable that people go to work through this.  There have been days in which I couldn't go as far as the kitchen in this mess. You have my great respect.

    You are going to get your baseline back Sig....and eventually your normal life. ..

......Wishing you some peace and sunbreaks today..  coop

[[Co...]]

Nova,.  That seems to be the rhythm of our days . Up...feel ok for a few hours a d then get hijacked by sx. I have been awake for a couple of hours with very quiet sx, but I hear them waking up and circling.  Mine usually lift again in the afternoon and/or evening. Once your sx land on you late in the morning do you get another break in the afternoon. ?

....Yep, the agoraphobia.. Green spoke of it too...it seems to be wanting to take up residence again . I am trying to ward it off to. I have some easy little going out and about things planned with my daughter this week .. and an ENT visit later this morning...working on positivity for the ENT appointment.  Very easy appointment...just a consult and hearing evaluation.. good practice if nothing else

  .happy 'going out ' to you Nova..  ..coop

[[Si...]]

I didn't sleep at all again last night. Now I'm at work and one of our sales reps was lazy and didn't specify the right product and I wasted a lot of time drawing a huge set of the wrong ones.

 

I'm so over this whole no sleep thing. It's really got me strung out. Sorry for complaining. I just don't have any other way to vent.

 

[[No...]]

Siggy ... vent away ... that's one of the reasons they built this place ... 

[[Co...]]

Sig...that's what this thread is for.  venting.  Any and all things you need to vent. Those of us going through w/d truly get what you are feeling. It helps to vent and find support here.. it also takes a little weight off our loved ones if we have a community of fellow travelers to lean on as well.

...I am sorry you were sleepless again. It is such a desperate feeling. Did you say that you are somewhat in an every other night pattern for sleep?...I hope you get some breaks throughout the day...coop

[[Si...]]

Sig...that's what this thread is for.  venting.  Any and all things you need to vent. Those of us going through w/d truly get what you are feeling. It helps to vent and find support here.. it also takes a little weight off our loved ones if we have a community of fellow travelers to lean on as well.

...I am sorry you were sleepless again. It is such a desperate feeling. Did you say that you are somewhat in an every other night pattern for sleep?...I hope you get some breaks throughout the day...coop

 

Yes kind of every other night. I've had a few here and there that were two nighters. I never had that in acute except the first week I dropped. I was totally sure I'd sleep every other night when I first had the insomnia in acute. Now I feel like I don't even have any hope of what's happening and when it will happen. I was yawing all yesterday early and then between 8 and 9pm last night I started to nod off and do that jerk awake thing. I don't know if going to bed at that point would have let me sleep or not. Just very confused about what I can even do to fix this.

[[Co...]]

Green..  thanks so much for posting the 'trueisms' from East. We all needed that list of hope.

....As always you sound about where I am. I don't have the paranoia.  My constant shadow is anxiety and health fears...and yes, my agoraphobia is back at an a most acute level, I am pushing against it gently...Doing some easy outings with my daughter, but I could never get through a show or play or concert as you do..My energy is better...driven by anxiety and the need to be busy for distraction. I have cleaned out every drawer, closet, cupboard, nook and cranny.  Running out of mindless cleaning projects. Time for my new life to show up, right now I trundle between obsessive house chores and The Waltons. This wave of total sickness and acute sx is not over, but it is lessening and I feel healing underneath it so trying to push carefully enough to see if my baseline will return.

....Green, this has been like a house landing on all of us. I am hoping with all my heart that this is the last tsunami wave for everyone here. ...I know it's going to take the entire 24 or some months for me to get really better...and probably another year to learn to live in the world again, but I would take that deal and move on with being a happy Nonni and teaching volunteer. ...I do believe we are on the last leg of this trek

.....sending you thoughts for sunbreaks and big healing.......coop

[[La...]]

Sig...that's what this thread is for.  venting.  Any and all things you need to vent. Those of us going through w/d truly get what you are feeling. It helps to vent and find support here.. it also takes a little weight off our loved ones if we have a community of fellow travelers to lean on as well.

...I am sorry you were sleepless again. It is such a desperate feeling. Did you say that you are somewhat in an every other night pattern for sleep?...I hope you get some breaks throughout the day...coop

 

Yes kind of every other night. I've had a few here and there that were two nighters. I never had that in acute except the first week I dropped. I was totally sure I'd sleep every other night when I first had the insomnia in acute. Now I feel like I don't even have any hope of what's happening and when it will happen. I was yawing all yesterday early and then between 8 and 9pm last night I started to nod off and do that jerk awake thing. I don't know if going to bed at that point would have let me sleep or not. Just very confused about what I can even do to fix this.

 

Hey Siggy, how did you sleep last night?

 

laser

[[Co...]]

Sig...you might try a hot lavender Epsome salts bath soak before bed..that has sometimes helped me for sleep...and/or anciety..I have also tried having some yogurt with tart cherries right before bed. The cherries have meletonin and the yogurt has tryptophan...both of which help sleep. I use full fat Greek yogurt.. organic and organic cherries. These tricks don't always help , but they do at least help with relaxation......coop

[[Fi...]]

Siggy--I had bad insomnia in acute, the first month out.  Then I started sleeping straight through the night.  The addiction doctor I consulted with one time at two months out even told me that if I was sleeping this well, I was probably past the worst of the benzo symptoms.  (I had also gone off opioids, which she said might give me continuing symptoms for longer.)  Of course this wasn't true, as far as how close I was to being totally healed since I am now at 20 months and still symptomatic.

 

For months I was sleeping really well, but at around 17 months I started to get some attacks of insomnia along with some new symptoms I hadn't experienced before.  I think when this happens it just shows that our brains are still making adjustments in our healing.  If you've slept okay during some of this, you will no doubt go back to that pattern.

 

I would really advise letting your own brain make its corrections and not get going on some kind of sleeping meds.  Try to have faith in your own brain's ability to eventually take care of things for you!  I'm just amazed at how I thought I was a person who needed to take a half a Xanax in the middle of the night occasionally when actually I was teaching my brain to need it.  I love the way I am sleeping straight through the night, every night now.  What's worked for me is strictly time and not being diverted into taking other meds.

 

Hang in there.  It's going to get better very soon, I predict.

[[Si...]]

Sig...you might try a hot lavender Epsome salts bath soak before bed..that has sometimes helped me for sleep...and/or anciety..I have also tried having some yogurt with tart cherries right before bed. The cherries have meletonin and the yogurt has tryptophan...both of which help sleep. I use full fat Greek yogurt.. organic and organic cherries. These tricks don't always help , but they do at least help with relaxation......coop

 

Thanks, I've tried all of them and sometime they help some. I have some magnesium supplements that I took a few times and they seemed to help some. Then I took on the fourth day and gave me the burning skin feeling. I may have to try it again though as I don't feel I have many options right now.

[[Si...]]

Sig...that's what this thread is for.  venting.  Any and all things you need to vent. Those of us going through w/d truly get what you are feeling. It helps to vent and find support here.. it also takes a little weight off our loved ones if we have a community of fellow travelers to lean on as well.

...I am sorry you were sleepless again. It is such a desperate feeling. Did you say that you are somewhat in an every other night pattern for sleep?...I hope you get some breaks throughout the day...coop

 

Yes kind of every other night. I've had a few here and there that were two nighters. I never had that in acute except the first week I dropped. I was totally sure I'd sleep every other night when I first had the insomnia in acute. Now I feel like I don't even have any hope of what's happening and when it will happen. I was yawing all yesterday early and then between 8 and 9pm last night I started to nod off and do that jerk awake thing. I don't know if going to bed at that point would have let me sleep or not. Just very confused about what I can even do to fix this.

 

Hey Siggy, how did you sleep last night?

 

laser

 

0 hours again. So terrible. How about you?

[[Si...]]

Siggy--I had bad insomnia in acute, the first month out.  Then I started sleeping straight through the night.  The addiction doctor I consulted with one time at two months out even told me that if I was sleeping this well, I was probably past the worst of the benzo symptoms.  (I had also gone off opioids, which she said might give me continuing symptoms for longer.)  Of course this wasn't true, as far as how close I was to being totally healed since I am now at 20 months and still symptomatic.

 

For months I was sleeping really well, but at around 17 months I started to get some attacks of insomnia along with some new symptoms I hadn't experienced before.  I think when this happens it just shows that our brains are still making adjustments in our healing.  If you've slept okay during some of this, you will no doubt go back to that pattern.

 

I would really advise letting your own brain make its corrections and not get going on some kind of sleeping meds.  Try to have faith in your own brain's ability to eventually take care of things for you!  I'm just amazed at how I thought I was a person who needed to take a half a Xanax in the middle of the night occasionally when actually I was teaching my brain to need it.  I love the way I am sleeping straight through the night, every night now.  What's worked for me is strictly time and not being diverted into taking other meds.

 

Hang in there.  It's going to get better very soon, I predict.

 

Yeah, I slept perfectly normal in months 5-10. No problems at all. Then I got the flu in March and it's totally screwed me over. The only ray of sunshine since then was a 3 week period at the end of April into May that I went back to sleeping every night. So basically 2-1/2 months of the garbage all over again. I think my initial bought of insomnia maybe was only about 6 weeks or so. I really hope this gets better soon, because I'm having a hard time sustaining it. My boss is all, why can't you just take some Ambien. UGH!

[[La...]]

Better than 0 for sure but still not normal by far.

 

 

No doubt that benzo recovery is impacting your sleep. But let me ask you, do you think you may have anxiety/fear over sleeplessness that may be exacerbating the problem? I know I did for quite a long time....that is until I totally surrendered to it all. Without adding extra fear/anxiety on top of the problem, it diminished in severity to some extent.

 

Its easy to get caught up in a self perpetuating negative-feedback loop with insomnia. We have the power to deconstruct this loop, thus exposing the core root problem w/o making it worse.

 

0 hours tells me you had trouble falling asleep. Why do you think you couldnt fall asleep? How did you feel at bedtime? Do you rigorously practice proper sleep hygeine? (e.g. after 20 min [30 min tops] of not being able to fall asleep, get out of bed; only return to bed when you are sleepy).

 

When you cant sleep, worrying about not getting sleep compounds the problem. You have to learn to totally give in and not worry/fret, even when you cant sleep. This is an imperative. Im not saying you dont have real physical, benzo-derived sleep problems, but I know the patterns well.

 

laser