12-18 month support

[[be...]]

Beulah ... the faux asthma is a bear ... I get some wheezing from time to time ... today I have the throat pressure under my chin ... I suspect a muscle contraction type cause ... who knows ...

 

 

Yes Nova..it is a bear😈

[[No...]]

Beulah ... throat stuff disappeared again ... sometimes I think the muscle contractions actually tilt my head to the side .. I loosen things up and they always move back to tight eventually ... this too shall pass ...

[[be...]]

Beulah ... throat stuff disappeared again ... sometimes I think the muscle contractions actually tilt my head to the side .. I loosen things up and they always move back to tight eventually ... this too shall pass ...

 

Nova, this muscle stuff is so weird. My wheezing has stopped for now. I get the muscle contractions in my face and throat..sometimes around my ears and it feels like an instant ear ache.

I can feel the muscles and nerves pulling around my face...the left side of my upper lip draws up and it freaks my husband out when he sees it.

 

Yes...this too shall pass..

[[Gr...]]

Nova, I'm with you, the last two nights I'm falling asleep late, even for me, 7!  but sleeping until 12:30.  But I'm noticing I don't feel as bad in the morning, like I can handle it better now.

 

Coop, I get hit with anxiety throughout the day, never can tell.  I find myself trying to "gently push" myself into doing little things, similar to the first year, when I first started getting out the door.  This last wave feels so much like a setback, but there is real healing going on, I can feel my brain returning in leaps and bounds.  It's hard to tell when you're suffering with other stuff at the same time, but it's happening.  I had to feel a little better before I could say that

 

For me, mental symptoms have been very tough, M17-18.  I'm uncomfortable socially again -- I had gotten past that! --  now I find it hard to be around people, except my closest ones.  I don't feel so comfortable in my own skin sometimes, which is probably the anxiety.  The anxiety is the big culprit for my mental sx, I guess.  Mild paranoia.  The belief that many people are bad!  mildly malevolent.  this is so weird.  I think it's the DR?  but definitely pulling away from social stuff.  wanting to keep close to home.  mild agoraphobia?  yeah, I think so.

I write this because I thought I was done with this!  this was one of the things I dealt with first after acute, getting out the door, attempting to be around people.

Other than that, still tired, but better, my mood is better.  the morning wake-up is not so good.  a little fearful.  not anxiety, fear.  the need to jump out of bed quickly. 

 

Nova, I don't think we get spring weather anymore!  The temp was high 80s for Mother's day.  Yesterday we needed AC, today, too, mid 80s.  that's kind of high for this time of year.

 

Hope everyone is doing a little better today

 

I totally identify with the "I thought this was over" scenario.

 

We went straight from cool weather into, geez it's hot! It's not even summer yet. I'm in Atlanta. The beginning of Spring was unusually cool here, so the heat feels like it jumped up even more than it normally would have. Hope your returning symptoms sputter out soon.

 

I'm in a suburb outside NYC.  Spring has been slowly disappearing since I was a kid.  Maybe we're going to have three seasons now?  It was 86 today.  which is ridiculous.  it's May 12. Atlanta, you guys have that MAJOR HUMIDITY going on.  when this is over, I'm going to think about living someplace with gentle seaons

[[Si...]]

Nova, I'm with you, the last two nights I'm falling asleep late, even for me, 7!  but sleeping until 12:30.  But I'm noticing I don't feel as bad in the morning, like I can handle it better now.

 

Coop, I get hit with anxiety throughout the day, never can tell.  I find myself trying to "gently push" myself into doing little things, similar to the first year, when I first started getting out the door.  This last wave feels so much like a setback, but there is real healing going on, I can feel my brain returning in leaps and bounds.  It's hard to tell when you're suffering with other stuff at the same time, but it's happening.  I had to feel a little better before I could say that

 

For me, mental symptoms have been very tough, M17-18.  I'm uncomfortable socially again -- I had gotten past that! --  now I find it hard to be around people, except my closest ones.  I don't feel so comfortable in my own skin sometimes, which is probably the anxiety.  The anxiety is the big culprit for my mental sx, I guess.  Mild paranoia.  The belief that many people are bad!  mildly malevolent.  this is so weird.  I think it's the DR?  but definitely pulling away from social stuff.  wanting to keep close to home.  mild agoraphobia?  yeah, I think so.

I write this because I thought I was done with this!  this was one of the things I dealt with first after acute, getting out the door, attempting to be around people.

Other than that, still tired, but better, my mood is better.  the morning wake-up is not so good.  a little fearful.  not anxiety, fear.  the need to jump out of bed quickly. 

 

Nova, I don't think we get spring weather anymore!  The temp was high 80s for Mother's day.  Yesterday we needed AC, today, too, mid 80s.  that's kind of high for this time of year.

 

Hope everyone is doing a little better today

 

I totally identify with the "I thought this was over" scenario.

 

We went straight from cool weather into, geez it's hot! It's not even summer yet. I'm in Atlanta. The beginning of Spring was unusually cool here, so the heat feels like it jumped up even more than it normally would have. Hope your returning symptoms sputter out soon.

 

I'm in a suburb outside NYC.  Spring has been slowly disappearing since I was a kid.  Maybe we're going to have three seasons now?  It was 86 today.  which is ridiculous.  it's May 12. Atlanta, you guys have that MAJOR HUMIDITY going on.  when this is over, I'm going to think about living someplace with gentle seaons

 

Ha ha yes very true. Our humidity here is crazy. You can walk outside for 30 seconds and be drenched with sweat. The wife and I have chopped back our bushes a few times already. Chop them down and 2 weeks later they are back to where they were. 

 

My wife's sister lives in NYC. She's about to move to New Jersey though I think. Cheaper rent.

[[Gr...]]

Nova, I'm with you, the last two nights I'm falling asleep late, even for me, 7!  but sleeping until 12:30.  But I'm noticing I don't feel as bad in the morning, like I can handle it better now.

 

Coop, I get hit with anxiety throughout the day, never can tell.  I find myself trying to "gently push" myself into doing little things, similar to the first year, when I first started getting out the door.  This last wave feels so much like a setback, but there is real healing going on, I can feel my brain returning in leaps and bounds.  It's hard to tell when you're suffering with other stuff at the same time, but it's happening.  I had to feel a little better before I could say that

 

For me, mental symptoms have been very tough, M17-18.  I'm uncomfortable socially again -- I had gotten past that! --  now I find it hard to be around people, except my closest ones.  I don't feel so comfortable in my own skin sometimes, which is probably the anxiety.  The anxiety is the big culprit for my mental sx, I guess.  Mild paranoia.  The belief that many people are bad!  mildly malevolent.  this is so weird.  I think it's the DR?  but definitely pulling away from social stuff.  wanting to keep close to home.  mild agoraphobia?  yeah, I think so.

I write this because I thought I was done with this!  this was one of the things I dealt with first after acute, getting out the door, attempting to be around people.

Other than that, still tired, but better, my mood is better.  the morning wake-up is not so good.  a little fearful.  not anxiety, fear.  the need to jump out of bed quickly. 

 

Nova, I don't think we get spring weather anymore!  The temp was high 80s for Mother's day.  Yesterday we needed AC, today, too, mid 80s.  that's kind of high for this time of year.

 

Hope everyone is doing a little better today

 

I totally identify with the "I thought this was over" scenario.

 

We went straight from cool weather into, geez it's hot! It's not even summer yet. I'm in Atlanta. The beginning of Spring was unusually cool here, so the heat feels like it jumped up even more than it normally would have. Hope your returning symptoms sputter out soon.

 

Year two is so weird.  Really the healing is amazing, you can actually feel that mental clarity, sharp thinking.  Whatever I had at 12 months, it was nothing compared to now.  I can feel myself like I was before I ever took a benzo!  Long time ago!  which is amazing.  but then there's the milestone waves that can be very challenging.  and certain stubborn symptoms.

 

Year two is not difficult for everyone,  for some more than others.  No matter how mild or severe the symptoms, year two brings great healing.  The important thing is to remember we're still healing.  I've seen people on this thread go through hell in year one, only to pick up, reinstate, in year two.  It sounds crazy, but it happens.  People get discouraged and just give up.  I've been in that place myself, twice, in challenging waves, month 12.  And I'm am so, so grateful I made it through, didn't reinstate, didn't take psych meds.  So hang in there.  It gets better.  And there's a rainbow and a pot of gold at the end of this.

[[Gr...]]

This came from Eastcoast62, Things I learned on BB and found to be true, and it's a goto for me in waves, when I start thinking is this me?  I'm going to repost for some of the newer people, and for me!

 

Sig, smart lady, moving to NJ.

 

"-I was told that time alone would heal me.  True

-I was told to stay away from supplements, other psychiatric drugs, and certain antibiotics  True

-I was told to accept that it was "just" withdrawal, nothing else  True

-I was told about the "benzo lies" and how they can fool us    True

-I was told to start learning how to cope with my symptoms, learn techniques to help them  True

-I was told how benzos affect our bodies, and how the entire system has to adjust in order to heal    True

-I was told to keep posting and asking for reassurance    True

-I was told to get moving, not to just sit around felling awful    True. "

[[Si...]]

Great list! Yeah, I won't ever take a Benzo again that's for sure. When I took them my plan was only to be on them 2 or 3 weeks to get me through a rough spot. Didn't work out like that though. Put in a worse spot than what I was taking them for. Lesson learned I suppose. One of the good things that came out of it was it allowed me to give my mom the advice to not take an A/D. She had two separate doctors (oncologist and GP) pushing them on her. She filled the prescription, but never took any. She had no business being put on something like that. I know they help some people, but my mother's depression was situational (much like my anxiety at that point). My step-dad had passed way and of course we were all taking it hard.

[[Sk...]]

Sorry I have not been around on the thread, these days have been busy.

 

There are some new people on the thread, it's great having you, you are in a very soothing place, this thread is very supportive.

 

I am about to go to bed, this is just a quick update from my log.

 

Yesterday and day before, I felt happy, I really did. I had this giddy feeling that all was going to be well.

 

Was it a window ? I don't know, because my heart was still racing, my vibrations were through the roof, my thoughts were rambling and my writing was like today, bad and I could not really concentrate.

 

But if felt nice, I felt full of love and appreciation for life.

 

Today, I do not feel bad but there have been so me developments. My right salivary gland hurts and is swollen. Maybe tomorrow I will put in the BB search engine and see what comes up. Then, my mouth is full, really full of sores. So full I have beeen eating soft foods, no solids.

 

I went through the list of symptoms in Recovery and Renewal. I found that some things were officially benzo wd symptoms, like my c reaking bones. Other two symptoms were from tolerance,which might mean I was in slight withdrawal in tolerance ? Or is that why they call it tolerance ?  Anyway the list included my bruxism and my lack of periods.

 

My bruxism was really bad, my dentist used to say to me " What is going on with you ? why are you so agitated ? "

 

I knew that these were provoked by wd, but seeing it written on paper does make a small difference.

 

About the creaking bones, it is so bad, I couldn't imagine ever doing exercise again. Now I know it will get better.

 

I hope to catch up with the thread in the next days. I go to bed early even if I do not sleep. Then I take as many naps as possible, it helps so much.

Nova, was it you that used to have this jolting feeling on falling asleep ?

 

The minute I am about to fall asleep , I feel this sense of falling and vertigo and then,  I wake up. Oh well, why am I even surprised ?

 

Be well, speak soon, heal on. 

 

 

[[Fi...]]

Sky--glad you're feeling better.

 

Just want to say that the falling feeling right before you go to sleep is very common for people even when they aren't in withdrawal.  I remember reading about it somewhere.  Although I tend to ascribe just about everything to withdrawal, maybe here is one that isn't!

[[be...]]

Sky--glad you're feeling better.

 

Just want to say that the falling feeling right before you go to sleep is very common for people even when they aren't in withdrawal.  I remember reading about it somewhere.  Although I tend to ascribe just about everything to withdrawal, maybe here is one that isn't!

 

I've also read about it..but forgot what it said. I have had it here and there all of my life. I jump so hard when it happens...it scares me.

 

I also blame everything on withdrawal..because I'm sure most of it is. I'm sure I get aches and pains that aren't withdrawal...but this goes much deeper.

[[Co...]]

Hi buddies, ...just checking in. I have been trying to stay as busy as possible during the day as it helps my anxiety and intrusive thoughts and fears. ...My energy is returning after almost 4 weeks of of one kind of disabling sx or another following the eye exam from hell and the wave of vertigo and nausea.

.....Nova and Green, I seem to be in your zodiac...now waking up too early ( 4/5) , with the kind of anxiety, fear, dread and existential doom that tortured me in acute. Like Green, I jump out of bed before my eyes are open to shake off the gloom and anxiety. I am pretty good for an hour or so and then it changes in an eye blink ....anxiety ...that mind crushing anxiety, ( although the shaking and shuddering is gone excepting a tremor in one hand) , health fear from hell and d/r. ...Then by 10 am or so ( I can almost set my clock by it) it lifts again. I had 4 hours again of almost window like disappearance of sx.....then late in the afternoon the health fear comes back. Even with 2 er trips in acute I don't think my health fear was this bad in acute. In acute I just took it for granted that everything was acute. Now my mind is on overtime remembering every single article or conversation of health horrors I ever read or overheard years ago...it just melts my brains...Right now the anxiety and health fears are my worst and most persistent sx...and usually come with d/r.

.....I am very grateful for the sunbreaks on and off through the day. Today was better than yesterday..but still feeling "safe' mostly in my apartment. I clean and fuss like a mad woman during the 4 hours of anxiety ...and watch The Waltons..lol...My sense of calmness and safety has now transferred to that program...hilarious...In the morning anxious hours I remind myself that it is only x number of hours until it comes on. ( at least I am not recording them...I would be watching them all day). .Green goes to shows and plays and concerts...I watch The Waltons. 

....I have an ENT appointment tomorrow ...I love this doctor ( although he is the one who introduced me to ativan...he is not one bit open to the idea of benzo w/d or reading Ashton...but he doesn't push me. I am just going for followup on the crazy vertigo/nausea I had a few weeks ago and I have one eye that is 'batting'...consistent with Meniers....there is nothing to do about it except wait it out. I think I just need the reassurance that it is my ears and not my brain ...He will offer me mclazine and I will decline I will have my hearing tested and come home knowing that it is merely Meniers and/or w/d....and give me practice in not avoiding medical appointments. ..

......I feel like there is healing going on, but the anxiety and health fears are worse and rooted ...

.....So thankful for this day that was hard but still better than the last 6 weeks....Wishing everyone a peaceful night.

[[Co...]]

Sky...so happy to hear that you are feeling healing through your sx. That has to be a great indication of healing. Your posts are sounding so much lighter, even though I know you are still suffering. I have experienced that sensation of falling just as I am drifting into sleep. I had it more throughout early acute...I still get it from time to time

....Sleep well and wishing you another day with happiness tomorrow....coop

[[Gr...]]

Hey Green, I still have the mild paranoia. I have a shy side and when I'm face to face with people I barely know I can feel panic building in me and the need  to walk away from that person quickly.

I'm not a social butterfly but I used to love talking with people and would strike up a conversation with a total stranger...can't do that now...I sure do miss socializing.

 

At least we have the cyper socializing going on here.

 

Does anyone have wheezing with their faux asthma? Some weird noises coming from my chest.

 

I know, Beulah, I used to be able to strike up a conversation with anyone, people on the checkout line, in stores, I was very friendly.  Now I'm just weird   Hope this passes.

[[Gr...]]

Hey Green, I still have the mild paranoia. I have a shy side and when I'm face to face with people I barely know I can feel panic building in me and the need  to walk away from that person quickly.

I'm not a social butterfly but I used to love talking with people and would strike up a conversation with a total stranger...can't do that now...I sure do miss socializing.

 

At least we have the cyper socializing going on here.

 

Does anyone have wheezing with their faux asthma? Some weird noises coming from my chest.

 

I hate, hate, hate the paranoia. I identify with what Green said about seeing people as mildly malevolent. I am having a hard time spelliing today, does anbydoy have this as well ?

 

I hate having paranoia with Mr Sky and my mom and my students. It makes me feel dirty. My biggest sympathy goes to people who have the real thing, it's really bad.

 

Sky,  know!  I feel so guilty about some of the things that go through my mind!  I really thought I was done with this!  It's shocking with all of this mental clarity, that these kinds of mental symptoms are still here.  I mean we're pretty far out!

[[Gr...]]

Sorry I have not been around on the thread, these days have been busy.

 

There are some new people on the thread, it's great having you, you are in a very soothing place, this thread is very supportive.

 

I am about to go to bed, this is just a quick update from my log.

 

Yesterday and day before, I felt happy, I really did. I had this giddy feeling that all was going to be well.

 

Was it a window ? I don't know, because my heart was still racing, my vibrations were through the roof, my thoughts were rambling and my writing was like today, bad and I could not really concentrate.

 

But if felt nice, I felt full of love and appreciation for life.

 

Today, I do not feel bad but there have been so me developments. My right salivary gland hurts and is swollen. Maybe tomorrow I will put in the BB search engine and see what comes up. Then, my mouth is full, really full of sores. So full I have beeen eating soft foods, no solids.

 

I went through the list of symptoms in Recovery and Renewal. I found that some things were officially benzo wd symptoms, like my c reaking bones. Other two symptoms were from tolerance,which might mean I was in slight withdrawal in tolerance ? Or is that why they call it tolerance ?  Anyway the list included my bruxism and my lack of periods.

 

My bruxism was really bad, my dentist used to say to me " What is going on with you ? why are you so agitated ? "

 

I knew that these were provoked by wd, but seeing it written on paper does make a small difference.

 

About the creaking bones, it is so bad, I couldn't imagine ever doing exercise again. Now I know it will get better.

 

I hope to catch up with the thread in the next days. I go to bed early even if I do not sleep. Then I take as many naps as possible, it helps so much.

Nova, was it you that used to have this jolting feeling on falling asleep ?

 

The minute I am about to fall asleep , I feel this sense of falling and vertigo and then,  I wake up. Oh well, why am I even surprised ?

 

Be well, speak soon, heal on. 

 

Sky, you sound so good today, I am so glad to hear you're getting those feelings of pure happiness.  That's a real treat in the dog days of this long recovery.

 

Yes, it's reassuring to see those symptoms written down in a book.  I felt that way when I read about the mental symptoms, which can be torturous for me.  They were better for awhile. 

 

Actually, I remember the paranoia from last year, it was very bad for  me in acute.  I would think that people might do me harm, or want to kill me.  Oh, yes, I had a very bad acute!  never stop your medication abruptly, lol (I know you relate, dear buddy.)

[[No...]]

Sky ... yes that is a symptom for me ... and it has gotten much better ... this sense of some kind of vertigo and the fear and the jolt ... was quite bad for a while, especially if I tried to nap ... now, more often than not it is now just a sense of vibration and I am able to fall asleep after it shows up ...

 

I still get the big jolt once in a while ... and it is another improvement ... 

[[Si...]]

It's almost one am and can't sleep again. I was nearly passing out in the sofa earlier around 9pm. U should've just tried to go to sleep when that happened. Ugh I hate this so much.

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... 2 AM here ...shut down very early last night ... got a big sleep ... feel good ...

 

As Green mentioned ... these dog days of recovery ... I hear good things for you all ... we are getting there ...

 

Like the kids in the back seat of the car ... all through the trip ... "are we there yet?" ... and the constant response ... "almost" ...

 

[[No...]]

Hi Siggy ... it is lousy when you can't sleep ... and it sometimes really plays on my mind ... hope you get some rest tonight ... 

[[Si...]]

I guess at least I was feeling sleepy. That isn't typical for a day after I slept either. This happened before each time I've come out of the insomnia. Hopefully a sign that this will pass in a week or two? I slept great last night too. On this one day on one day off ridiculousness.

[[Si...]]

Hi Siggy ... it is lousy when you can't sleep ... and it sometimes really plays on my mind ... hope you get some rest tonight ... 

 

Thanks sorry you're up too. I guess I at least have someone to talk to. Was watching the news about the terrible train wreck in Philadelphia.

[[No...]]

Siggy ... many mention this kind of cycling ... and that does not help a lot in the moment ... it still sucks ...

 

I had a different kind of trajectory with the insomnia stuff ... started during my taper ... I went many months, perhaps about 14, of almost no sleep ... and that too is a common symptom for some ... and the most surprising part was that it didn't seem to bother me physically all that much, the distress was all mental ... and it gradually turned around ...

 

I worked full time during that whole stretch .... got through the days ... I seemed to be using work as another distraction ... I retired last October ... long after the constant insomnia cleared up ...

 

One day at a time, my friend ... we get through this stuff ...

[[No...]]

Siggy ... I shut down very early last night ... I was tired ... slept 7 hours ... woke up around 1:30 AM here ... feel pretty good right now ...

 

I do that ... when I am feeling tired, I sleep ... no matter the time ... and sometimes the insomnia still hits me ... last night I had some stormy insomnia for several hours and did not sleep until early in the morning ...

[[Si...]]

Siggy ... many mention this kind of cycling ... and that does not help a lot in the moment ... it still sucks ...

 

I had a different kind of trajectory with the insomnia stuff ... started during my taper ... I went many months, perhaps about 14, of almost no sleep ... and that too is a common symptom for some ... and the most surprising part was that it didn't seem to bother me physically all that much, the distress was all mental ... and it gradually turned around ...

 

I worked full time during that whole stretch .... got through the days ... I seemed to be using work as another distraction ... I retired last October ... long after the constant insomnia cleared up ...

 

One day at a time, my friend ... we get through this stuff ...

 

I'm working too and barely have missed any days somehow. It's mentally and physically terrible for me. Sorry it took 14 bad months for you. It's just terrible. I'd love to be in slumber land next to my wife instead of tossing and turning in our guest bed. I still think it's weird I had five great months though. I don't know how I can get sleepy earlier in the night and then it just goes away? I'll have to try and sleep next when it hits me, even if it is early evening. Even a few hours is better than nothing. Congrats on the retirement. I'm 41 so have a while to go.